Lucy Review
Ever wonder what Limitless would have been like if Bradley Cooper had breasts and was a hot(ter) chick? Wonder no more.
Before I get into this I want to talk a bit about these reviews. I have been evaluating my time and what the results are. These reviews take hours to write and since I don’t get a lot of readers anyway I think I am going to cut back a bit. No other reviews I read go as deep into it as I seem to so I will follow their lazier example. Maybe I’ll get even more readers? Who’s to say. I will also focus on the fun parts I enjoy: seeing the film, complaining about Hollywood, bitching about my love life, coming up with bizarre entertainment conspiracies, unlikely analogies, and making an ill informed recommendation based on zero qualifying experience. The parts I will skip are the ones that take a lot of time and aren’t even that much fun to read: detailed story recap, listing every actor along with a filmography, and my overly complex stars and black hole rating system. I’ll go to the traditional 0-5 star rating system but instead of stars let’s call them Phasers in honor of my love of Star Trek.
So Lucy. Of the laundry list of things I am disappointed with in Hollywood and the crap they keep pushing out (oh, yeah, I’m definitely not giving up on the subtle biological, scatological, and obscene jokes) has to be the decline of certain movie producers I used to respect. Highest on this list is probably Luc Besson (Wait a minute! Luc + y = Lucy! You clever egomaniac!), whom I used to think was one of my top guys in film but now I approach his movies with the same enthusiasm a finalist in a hot dog eating contest would his 47th hot dog: it probably has some good flavor were this the first one but honestly all you have is an amalgam of random animal parts and rat excrement just like the last 46 and your reward for finishing will be…another hot dog.
So what makes this movie different for Luc is that instead of mining his own old movies in hopes of finding an unused gem he is now ripping off other people’s movies. This film is pretty much the Buddhist female lead version of Limitless with a super healthy dose of the Matrix and a big chunk of Akira floating around like a beer bottle in a swimming pool. Also for some reason Tree of Life dominated the visuals. Since Limitless was kind of a rip off of Charly (which was based on Flowers for Algernon) that makes this the least imaginative story premise ever. I’d also like to point out that the theory that we only use 10% of our brain was developed by two nutjobs in the 1890’s and has since been disproven over and over again. The “science” behind this film is at all times laughable.
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 34 the Apple
So this episode was a red shirt bloodbath with three guys dying in the first 10 minutes (poisoned plant dart, explosive rock, and lightning). This is also another one where Checkov almost gets his girl and is totally aced out by the script. He has the worst dating luck since…me I guess. I wonder if he ever went on a date with a girl who turned out to have been born a man?
I supposed I could talk about this episode and how it technically is a huge violation of the Prime Directive, the hair styles that most have been what inspired Flock of Seaguls, or the fact that no one in the episode was wearing a shirt but you know what I always used to wonder about as a kid when I saw this one? I always wondered it was like inside the mouth of Vaal. When the Feeders of Vaal go in was there a conveyor belt or chute to drop the explosive rocks down, or did they go down a stair case to some kind of chamber with a furnace or something? Also if they had been feeding Vaal rocks for centuries wouldn’t they eventually run out of rocks just lying around? How do they find more? What if they find a big one but it’s too big to carry or fit in Vaal’s mouth? How do you break one up without blowing yourself up? Could they mine them somehow? Wouldn’t you constantly be in danger of blowing up the whole planet?
The woman who played Checkov’s love interest Yeoman Landon is Celeste Yarnall. I know this because I see her at every single Star Trek convention I go to. She’s a nice woman but seems to think the Apple was the best episode ever and doesn’t understand why I don’t have 150 Apple t-shirts in addition to this one from the tv show t shirt category or can’t just print up one with her on it. The subtle nuances of licensing are more or less missed by her. Still, she is very sweet and I wish her continued success in selling her Apple autograph photos.
the Infamous Dave Inman
