- Barney Stinson
- The bartender at MacLaren’s Pub who never says anything.
- Any of the hot bimbos Barney hooks up with from any episode ever.
- Lily Aldrin
- Any of the chicks Ted Mosby dates on his way to meet his dream girl.
- His future wife who has yet to be seen or heard from.
- Marshal Erikson.
- Any of my imaginary friends who populate any TV show I watch (most of them are Vulcans).
- Any crew member from the production company not in front of the camera.
- Robin Scherbatsky
- Any of the dudes Robin dates for a while.
- The entire population of New York City.
- The entire population of the world.
- Any venomous snakes, rabid rats or other dangerous animals and vermin who might be in the alleys and sewers in and around MacLaren’s pub.
- The cockroach Robin smashed with her hand in one episode.
- The ebola virus.
- Ted Mosby.
15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 11 of 15
5. Scotty from Star Trek
I know what you are thinking. I am such a fan boy why would I not choose Kirk or Spock? Well, to be honest Spock is not exactly a barrel of laughs to hang out with and Kirk would score with every chick in the place human or otherwise leaving you walking morosely home alone. Also he seems to be kind of a mean drunk. Scotty, on the other hand, is a party even when he’s not drinking and when he has a few watch out! In short order we could be singing Irish ballads, making inept pick up attempts at hot green girls, and getting into barroom brawls with Klingons. Also never forget that at one point he was almost convicted of being a serial killer and if that isn’t the coolest story to tell chicks at a bar I don’t know what is.
Why would Scotty want to be my friend? Well, I am part Irish and have a deep appreciation of his accent. I’m not much of a drinker myself and would therefore give him the lions share of the Romulan ale. 
Plus while I don’t get drunk a lot I always have a lot of fun watching drunk people stumble along and fall on their face (Alcohol image comes from the funny t shirt category). In my defense I am also really good about making sure my drunk friends get home safe, so Scotty would definitely be in his bunk in one piece.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 12 of 15
4. Daryl Dixon from the Walking Dead
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I am a fan of white trash culture. Well, maybe not the music but I have any number of relatives who live in trailer parks and have eaten squirrel. It’s not something I broadcast but I do get along with all kinds of people if you know what I mean. I think Daryl would be very cool to hang out with, zombie apocalypse or no. He’s just got that good ole boy vibe that I dig. You can sum up why he is cool in one word: crossbow. He’s also tough as hell, something I truly respect.
Why would Daryl want to be my friend? Well, if this were a zombie apocalypse (fingers crossed) anyone with a pulse who is not trying to steal all your guns would be cool. If I were on the show I think I would be the guy who always sleeps in the car in case of a quick getaway and I would definitely stop for Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, Michonne, and Rick (sorry Carl. I hope there’s room in the next car. The rest of you post Gov adds can hoof it too).
Daryl image courtesy of the Walking Dead t shirt category.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 13 of 15
3. Jayne Cobb from Firefly
Does this one even need an explanation? What thinking nerd doesn’t want to be friends with Jayne? His is super cool, super fun, a hero in a town that produces mud, and has excellent taste in headgear. He says some of the best lines ever (“Pain is scary”) and has a very direct approach to problem solving that I wish more of my actual friends would adapt. Plus he is a family man and cares for his mother and sister. You can’t help but respect that.
Why would Jayne want to be my friend? Good question. He is not exactly the friendly type. I have the feeling earning Jayne’s friendship is a lot of work and can be dropped for the right amount of money. He is a mercenary through and through and I wouldn’t count on him doing anything for friendship. I think the best I could hope for would be a friendly acquaintance. In truth I would be happy with that.
This image is from one of my all time favorite Firefly tshirts. I think it is awesome and says everything you ever needed to know about Jayne.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 14 of 15
2. Bruce Wayne
Not Batman, but rather the billionaire party boy that hangs out with super models week long. What part of that doesn’t sound awesome? I wish I had some really, really rich friends. I have several who are well off but if I had one friend who had the capability of owning his own island that would be pretty cool. Of course, the fact that he’s secretly Batman means I would always be safe(er) with him around. Plus it would be hilarious if I showed up at a party at stately Wayne Manor wearing this Batman hoodie.
Why would Bruce Wayne want to be my friend? Well, when it comes to sucking up to rich people I think would have a talent. Also I’m always very respectful to help and I think I would get along really well with Alfred. Plus if Bruce were getting super tired from partying all the time and then fighting crime all night long and needed someone to take care of all the super models and ballerinas I think I could take some of that burden on for him. I’m just that much of a giver.
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15 Fictional Characters I wish were real life friends of mine: 15 of 15
1. Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China
Of all the guys on this list Jack Burton is the guy I most want to party with. He’s loud and boisterous but a lot of fun. Plus he gets drunk and makes outrageous bets that he loses so I could totally take his money. He has a super cool truck and most women find him incredibly annoying so you know you could pick up the aftermath in his wake. He tends to end up at oddball places and things and if you hang around long enough you might see spirits and magic.
Why would Jack Burton want to be my friend? First off I love doing weird bets so we could totally gamble on whether you can cut a bottle in half with a sword or not. I like truckers and big trucks. I like to think that we would just get along great.
Pork Chop Express image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category.
That’s my list. I’m sure there are a few I forgot so feel free to post comments or email me on it. Also if any of you happen to know that these fictional characters were based on real people and know where I can find them email me immediately. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
the Infamous Dave Inman @nerdkungfu
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Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 27 the Alternative Factor
So we are headed into the final stretch of of this run and to be honest I have had a blast writing them. In retrospect I am very glad I opted to do them back to front so I can end on a high note with some of the best Season 1 episodes.
That being said there are some S1 episodes that aren’t all golden. The Alternative Factor is not really one of the worst (nor even the worst of S1) but it is no Galileo Seven. I kind of liked the idea of Lazarus and Anti-Lazarus fighting in the corridor for eternity but honestly this story has a lot of dopey plot holes.
First of all if Anti-Lazarus is from the anti matter universe does he really have to encounter the body of Lazarus in order to destroy the universe? Wouldn’t any part of him or the air in his lungs be enough to encounter matter and destroy the universe? He could come though the ship and his next fart could end causality (an ending I think anyone with a sense of humor would find hilarious). The human body more or less changes all it’s molecules every seven years or so. What if anti Lazarus came to our universe and got a job somewhere as a pastry chef eating all of our food? In seven years he and Lazarus could have had full on intercourse without destroying any universes. Also what is it about alternate universes that the people over there automatically have to be evil or insane? 
Why can’t it be the alternate universe where Walter White survived and Jesse died in Breaking Bad or they made twerking punishable by death but are otherwise fine people? Walter White image courtesy of the Breaking Bad t shirt category.
Also when Kirk jumps through the flying saucer to the other universe wouldn’t he automatically destroy that universe because anti Kirk lived there? Or did he have to wrestle anti Kirk? I guess they avoided that issue simply because they had already beaten that dead horse with The Enemy Within.
I’ve often wondered why they named the character Lazarus. In the Bible he is the saint Jesus raised up from the dead after 4 days. Normally Star Trek has some kind of hidden meaning behind such things but I cannot figure out why they thought this name would work for a guy with an evil twin. This name might have worked a lot better for the main character in Requiem for Methuselah.
Anyway, kind of a meh episode but fun nevertheless.
the Infamous Dave Inman
@nerdkungfu
How I Met Your Mother Season 9 is up on NetFlix and I’m conflicted #howimetyourmother
So yes I have watched all 8 prior seasons and yes I will probably watch season 9 but the question is whether I am excited to watch them or whether I’m secretly dreading it. I guess just by asking that question I have answered it for you but I kind of see it as getting an ex girlfriends name tattoo lasered off: you know it’s going to be painful and every minute you spend in that chair will be another agonizing reminder of her but at the end you will be glad it’s done and you will have regained whatever dignity you can dredge from the bottom of the septic tank of your life.
The thing is this: I started watching the show because I have yet to see Neil Patrick Harris do something bad (well, except for that whole Dougie Howser MD thing. Early 90’s television sucked) and in truth it is his character that keeps me coming back. However the rest of the cast collectively make being dragged behind a pickup truck by a rope for a couple miles look fun. In fact, let me summarize my feelings about the cast by putting them in my favorite order with this handy dandy numbers list that I just found out my blog can do:
Yes, he is the perfect example of a man who has managed to suck his testicles back into his body with force of will alone. Normally when I see a character that I want to push his face in with my fist that badly I just drop the show, but the combination of Barney Stinson, the hot chicks that seem to crawl out of the woodwork at MacLaren’s on any given night, and the super hot Colby Smoulders (I hate her character but would still marry Colby as long as she agreed to reserve her unsolicited comments to things like “Run, Dave! The volcano is erupting!”) keeps me coming back. Remember the scene in Time Bandits where Robin Hood is giving each of the peasants something valuable and after they accept it the other guy punches them in the face? That’s what watching this show is like.
Oh well. I will for sure watch it if only to see who they finally cast as Ted Mosby’s poor wife. That marriage will for sure last until death because
there is no way any woman could live that that whiner for more than a couple years before poisoning his cornflakes. Also I still enjoy Barney a lot and let us never forget that in spite of his anti nerd sex appeal image he is a huge Star Wars fan, making him at least part nerd (Stormtrooper image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category). I just don’t know how much I am destined to enjoy it.
A Walk Among the Tombstones Review #AWalkAmongtheTombstones
Not exactly a tiptoe through the tulips.
I often say things like “I am a fan of so and so” or “I enjoy this persons movies” typically as a prelude before explaining exactly why I hate that persons latest role or movie. Rather then say I am a fan of Liam Neeson I am going to say I am a fan of Liam Neeson when he plays the right role. What is that role you ask? That role is a desperate loser on the dirty end of the poo stick of life desperately trying to save someone or find some kind of redemption. It is very specifically NOT when he is playing any form of Jedi or other super James Bond Superman. He was good as a desperate loser in the Grey. He sucked as an indestructible super spy in Taken 2. He was good as an alcoholic loser in Non Stop. He sucked as an admiral in Battleship. So I am a fan of his in the right role.
So was this the right role for him? Yes. He plays an ex alcoholic ex cop trying to do the right thing in a bad situation. I enjoyed his character a lot. 
Superman is hard to cheer for when you know there is a limited list of material in the universe that can actually hurt him but seeing Liam Neesons character get his guts stomped out but still keep on struggling makes us identify with him more and more (image courtesy of the Superman t shirt category). I worry for the future of cinema based on the whole anti-bullying campaign kids are subjected to these days. You can’t really root for the underdog unless you have been forced to eat dirt off the ground by a kid three years and 40 pounds heavier than you. Oh well. Sorry kids you are being raised to be wimps.
So how about the film, Dave? Decent but not great. This movie didn’t just drink the noir punch; it hooked a tanker truck full of noir punch to it’s food hole and turned the spigot to full blast until dark angsty crime drama was gushing from every pore and orifice. There was not a single character in this film that couldn’t have shifted from good to bad at the drop of a hat except for maybe the 14 year old girl. The film is basically a Scooby Doo mystery complete with a big chunk of deus ex machina but there is a reason we love good mysteries. However the mystery was solved with the linear approach normally reserved for drawing lines from point A to point B. No real twists and no real depth. “Some guys are kidnapping and killing women. Now we find them by finding out who their next victim is. Now we end the film.”
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 28 The City on The Edge of Forever #StarTrek
This is one of the greatest Star Trek episodes of all time, and arguable one of the greatest TV show episodes of all time. I’d put it up there against any one episode from any other series. Star Trek was not all amazing but when it was it really was.
This was the first really good time travel episode and had far reaching effects in that the acclaim it garnered caused us to get Return to Tomorrow and the awful Assignment: Earth (suck it, Gary Seven). 
Furthermore whenever the newer series started scraping the bottom of the barrel for story ideas they always seemed to pull up time travel. This would be cool if Star Trek had pioneered time travel on TV (and were called Time Trek) but Doctor Who had been doing it for six years prior to this episode (Van Gogh Tardis image courtesy of the Doctor Who T shirt category)
Anyway, this is the episode that made me realize how hot Joan Collins was in her day. The rumor has always been that Edith Keeler was Kirks one true love and all the other green chicks he hooked up with were to help him forget her. I think that is one medicine I would enjoy taking. This is one of the few time Kirk cusses when he says “Let’s get the hell out of here” (another time would be when Kirk says “Go to the devil” in Day of the Dove). It was also the source of a lot of controversy when Harlan Ellison sued for royalties. I guess they settled but I read his original treatment and if anything I think he owes Roddenberry some money for that train wreck.
So a great episode and everything Star Trek is supposed to be about. Of course in the movie with the whales they managed to just bring a chick home with them but whatevs. I’m sure if they use this episode for a new reboot movie Kirk will need to save Edith Keeler so she can become an American super spy who guns down Nazi’s wholesale but really at this point I’m so burnt out on those I can’t even be bothered to speculate. Suck it J.J. Abrams.
the Infamous Dave Inman
The Maze Runner Review #MazeRunner
Lost meets Lord of the Flies.
And by Lost I mean Lost in every way good and bad. Remember how Lost drew you in with a cool, weird situation and interesting characters? How it sucked you deeper into it’s plot with the smoke monster and all the other stuff? How every episode raised another intriguing question that you sought the answers for in a desperate belief that if you could understand what was going on with Lost you might understand what was going on in your own life? Remember how the producers headed by bane-of-all-things-cool J.J. Abrams swore on a stack of Bibles big enough to rival the Great Pyramid if Giza that they had a plan and answers to all your burning questions would be produced by the final denouement?
Then remember how when time came to give you those answers the producers instead shot us all in the face with a firehose loaded with excrement? Well, that’s pretty much the Maze Runner.
By the way, in order for me to do this movie review justice I am going to have to spoil the crap out of it so SPOILER ALERT.
I admit it sucked me in. Not the trailers of course. I am too much a veteran of the inane YA novel movie genre to be fooled by a bland brunette girl with a 1,000 yard stare and a posse of sizzle chested man boys to expect anything other that the dregs of cinema. No, the movie itself sucked me in. The first half of the film was REALLY FREAKING COOL. The aforementioned man boys actually looked like they might have shared one or more testicles, acting was shockingly good, and the setting was awesome. The whole premise was fun and intriguing and like Lost I found myself drawn into the mystery of what this maze was and who was torturing and killing these kids. Was it some kind of sick snuff reality show? 
Were the parents of these boys political criminals who were being punished by being forced to watch theirs sons being eaten by Tyranids? (Punisher image courtesy of the Punisher t-shirt collection) Was the lone survivor of this show destined to become king of the world or turn into a stud to engender a new generation of super survivors? I was honestly wracking my brain coming up with cool possible explanations. The story did what is almost impossible for me in that I got involved in the plot.
