Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 1
I’m kind of mixed.
So I watched the new trailer a few times today and I think I need to write out my feelings to really understand them. I’m sure you, my beloved readers, will appreciate this insight into my thought process.
Casting my mind down memory lane I remember how it was to see the trailer for the Phantom Menace. I, like most Star Wars fans, was unbelievably excited. “OMG a new Star Wars! I’m gonna start waiting on line now!” Of course there were certain signs that in retrospect I should have seen for the dead mine canaries they were. 
Mainly WTF was up with the title and who is this dopey kid looking like the worst child actor in the history of child actors? (Ralph Macchio image from the Karate Kid t shirt collection) However my natural enthusiasm helped me turn a blind eye to the danger like a heroin junkie looking at a used needle.
Then I saw the film and it was like someone had set my hair on fire and punched me in the balls for 136 minutes. I couldn’t believe how awful it was and how far off the track of what makes Star Wars great it had gone. Stunningly bad, and almost bad enough to make me question my love of some of the original three (most specifically Return of the Jedi).
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 2
What came to pass…
Then came Attack of the Clones and I felt like maybe there was hope yet. No more dopey kids, what looked like Stormtroopers, and Natalie Portman’s midriff. I thought perhaps the Phantom Menace was just destined to be the one bad one so that when fans had to make a list of best to worst there would be no drama or nerd rage. I walked into the theater with both hope and fear. Of course Clones sucked as bad if not worse than Phantom Menace and I felt my respect for the entire franchise slip another 8 notches or so. 
I went back and rewatched the original series and came to the startling conclusion that Return of the Jedi is kind of a mediocre film and the only really good film in the series is the Empire Strikes Back (sorry fan boys. I admit the Vader/Luke/Palpatine scene is super cool but there isn’t enough coolness in the universe to make up for the inclusion of the Ewoks. ESB image from the movie t shirt category).
Finally we got Revenge of the Sith and by this point I was burnt out on hope. I had had my dreams squelched by Lucas too much already and really only went to see the film from some kind of nerd obligation. It’s was like looking for your missing dog and following a blood trail from the freeway to the bush where he died. You really don’t want to see the mangled remains of your dear pet but you have to be sure and take care of it. In this sense Revenge of the Sith did not disappoint. I expected it to suck and it did. I will agree it was the best of the three but winning that contest is like winning a self flagellation contest. Being the best of the worst is not the same as being good.
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 3
So that is my mind state as I watch the trailer for Star Wars Episode VII: the Force Awakens. Sure it looks cool, seems to have Stormtroopers, has a distinct lack of dopey racist CGI cartoon comic relief (DIE JAR JAR BINKS DIE!), and the Millennium Falcon. (Trooper image courtesy of the Star Wars t-shirts category) However I have been burned by this license so badly in the past that all the subtle clues that I missed in the Phantom Menace warning me of impending suckage receive laser focus. A three pronged lightsaber? (that one saber and two mini bite sized lightsabers, in case you wanted to carve your turkey or something) A droid that looks like a yellow and white soccer ball with a Roomba on top of it? A jet bike that looks like a flying refrigerator? Why does that pilot still have the Rebel Alliance symbol on his helmet? Shouldn’t the Rebel Alliance formed an actual government and either taken the old Republic symbol or just come up with a new one? Then there is the uber ominous quote. “There has been an awakening. Can you feel it?”
The whole thing really feels of trying too hard. Star Wars and ESB had no pretensions of being anything other than a fun story in space. With ROTJ Lucas decided he was making the epic of the century and ironically created the worst of the three as a prelude for the worst ever. However I think I need to get into the specifics of this trailer down on this screen to really think about it.
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 4
Well do this plus and minus style ok?
Plus: It’s a Disney production production rather than a Lucas Arts one.
I have had my issues with the Mouse but have more or less turned around in the last few years. Films like Wreck It Ralph and Guardians of the Galaxy have reminded me that the thing Disney does better than anything else is make good films. When they focused on dopey princess stories it was easy to deride them but since they have stepped into my preferred genres I have to say I like what they do. They know how to please both fans and non fans and most importantly respect a license, keeping idiot writers and directors from marking up a beloved character like a dog urinating on a tree.
Minus: George Lucas is still listed as a writer.
The irony of listing the creator of Star Wars as a major detractor is not lost on me but if there were ever a war crimes trials for nerds Lucas would have been lined up against a wall and shot for Jar Jar alone (right next to Joel Schumacher and anyone associate with the production of the Host. Batman image courtesy of the comic book t shirts). He wrote the basic treatment for these films and is somehow listed as the writer for the credits so I am really afraid he is going to be all over this film like a sexual predators DNA at a crime scene.
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 5
JJ Abrams.
More pluses and minuses
Plus: JJ Abrams.
JJ Abrams has been known to do the occasional decent film and is most importantly a fan of Star Wars. He has said for a long time he loves this franchise and I truly hope he will put a lot of effort into not screwing up.
Minus: JJ Abrams.
Personally I think he did an absolutely cretinous job with Star Trek (both of them) and has the habit of reforming things in his own image. Also there is a reason fan fiction is hardly ever used by shows and movies and I don’t know if a fan boy is the best guy for the job. 
If I had written the script for the last Star Trek movie it would have certainly not had all the canon destruction and bad casting for Kirk but the temptation to take Kirk and Spock on a fantasy joyride where they destroy the entire Romulan Empire might have been hard to resist. (Romulan symbol is one of the very cool novelty t shirts from the fantasy logo collection) I think fans can make decent directors but a true fan might end up making his favorite character into some kind of super god. Sometimes a little restraint is not a bad thing.
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 6
The greatest star ship ever.
Still more pluses and minuses.
Plus: the Millennium Falcon.
If I could choose a vehicle to be buried in it would be the Falcon. It is so freaking cool and true classic Sci Fi nostalgia not to mention the true symbol of Star Wars. In a real sense I was glad it wasn’t ruined by appearing in Episodes I-III and am glad to see it reappear here. I look forward to seeing it again. (Image from the Star Wars t-shirts collection)
Minus: all the other techno crap in the trailer.
This film is falling into the same trap that sucked the prequels into and that is EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SEE HAS TO REFERENCE SOMETHING FROM THE ORIGINAL 3! The problem is like the Uncanny Valley for non humans: the stuff looks almost right but is just off enough to make you not like it. Is that an X-Wing fighter? Yeah, sort of but not really. Oh, look! Stormtroopers. Wait they changed the helmets. Let’s feature a jet bike! But what would make it cooler is if we glued one of the giant steamer trunks from Joe vs the Volcano to the front of it. I’m not saying I dislike change (although really, I do) but sometimes it’s OK to come up with something original. If the war is still going on 20 years later (Rebel symbol and Stormtroopers kind of implies it) the technological advancement should have been tremendous. We don’t need to be constantly reminded of where this story came from. It says so in the title with the words Star Wars.
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 7
The cast, the Force, and the title.
Plus: they pulled the original cast for the film.
I do get a nostalgic feeling at the idea of seeing Princess Leia (or perhaps Queen Leia) and Luke again. (Image courtesy of the Star Wars t-shirts)
Minus: they pulled the original cast for the film.
When I went to my 20 year high school reunion I spent the entire night asking “What happened to all the hot chicks I went to high school with and who are all these middle aged housewives?” I don’t know if I’m ready to see Carrie Fisher 30 years later. I’d like to keep some of the fantasy of her in the metal bikini alive.
Plus: looks like they are bringing back the Force.
The opening line “There has been an awakening. Have you felt it” implies that we are finally done with midiclorians and can can repress that memory like the time my mothers suitcase fell open and a large sex toy rolled out. It will always be “that bad idea” that only survived one movie and was buried under the burning bile of 22,000,000 Star Wars fans.
Minus: the title of the film.
“The Force Awakens” is exactly the kind of ambiguous garbage “the Phantom Menace” was. The good films all had pretty clear titles. The Empire Strikes Back was about the Empire striking back. What do they mean the Force Awakens? Was it asleep? I thought Darth Vader returned balance or something? Is the Force now sentient? The title absolutely reeks of design by committee and as such implies so is the movie. Potentially very bland.
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 8
Lightsabers…
Uh oh. I think I’m out of pluses but still have a minus.
Minus: the three pronged lightsaber.
I honestly believe that overuse of lightsabers was one of the downfalls of the prequels. In the original movies the lightsaber was an exotic weapon. It was hardly ever used but when it was you knew it was serious. Darth Vader did not use his lightsaber to deflect Han Solo’s blaster bolts in the dinning room in Cloud City. The Emperor even derided the weapon. He seemed to think it was more like a toy and that the pure Force was the true weapon. On Dagobah Yoda didn’t even teach Luke anything about the lightsaber. It was all about inner control and the flow of the Force. 
In the prequels they used the lightsaber to at the drop of a hat, or the possibility of someone dropping a hat, or the presence of someone wearing a hat, or someone who has a head that could potentially wear a hat (Jayne beenie, the best hat in the ‘verse, I found among our collection of Firefly tshirts). It got tired and way overdone and now it looks like they are going to lightsaber the crap out of this film. Also remember what I said about trying too hard? The three pronged lightsaber is where that came from. In the Phantom Menace we had the awkward to use double ended lightsaber for Darth Maul. “No way we are going to not do better than that! You know what is better than a lightsaber with two blades? A lightsaber with THREE blades! Ha ha ha hahahah!”
Also can you seriously look at at that lightsaber and not envision a situation where you could totally give yourself an accidental appendectomy? Also what is up with red lightsabers for Sith and the Rainbow Coalition for Jedi? Does using the Dark Side turn your lightsaber red or does all that evil make you naturally inclined to go with shades of black and red? Maybe the Dark Side midichlorians (JJ Abrams may have forgotten about them but I have not) causes a vitamin deficiency that only red light can fulfill? If you were a Jedi trying to infiltrate some Sith would a shopping trip to Hot Topic and a color changed for your saber be enough to party with them? Is there some kind of color setting dial on the saber? I’d go with hot pink just to screw with the canon.
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Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 9
In conclusion…
Honestly I don’t know. I have listed all the pluses and minuses a couple hours of thought can generate and still can’t make up my mind. It could be awesome. It could suck like a sarlacc. My biggest worry is that is could be just plain mediocre.
There is one thing I am certain of and that is I won’t be sucked in again. You stick your hand in fire a few times and you learn to not get burned (thanks dad. I’ve always appreciated your Darwinian approach to child rearing). I refuse to let my pulse get amped up until I am sitting in the theater and saying “Hey this is pretty cool”. 
I expect the special effects and CGI to be amazing and flawless so the only things this film has to distinguish itself from any given Micheal Bay Tranformers movie is going to be the story and the characters (Decepticon logo courtesy of the Transformers t shirt collection). JJ more or less had a crap story in both of the Star Trek films and his characters were pale parodies of existing characters so I honestly think he needs to truly step it up a lot to impress me. Regardless of these factors I’m sure it will be a commercial success so I guess I am just tilting at windmills again.
However to be fair they’d have to screw up pretty major to do worse than George Lucas did.
the Infamous Dave Inman
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