The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies Review Part 3
However for the hardcore fans of the book there was also a lot of really dumb stuff to annoy the crap out of you. Weirdest of all was the appearance of Shai Hulud for no apparent reason. Azog the Destroyer (another character featured heavily in the book-not) somehow managed to import some sandworms from Dune and have them do…nothing? They were digging tunnels or something but then before they could do anything fell back into the Well of Bad Ideas that Peter Jackson seems to drink from. In fact all the most annoying parts of the last two movies (from a book perspective) are here in force including:
- The forbidden love between Dwarf and Elf. Oh, yeah the female Elf.
- Radagast the Brown and his Magical Bunny Sled. I don’t care if every child on the planet cries for a month there is no excuse for this Jar Jar-esque turd to be on the screen.
- Galadrial, Saruman, Elrond, and an epic battle against Sauron and the Nazgul.
Um, if these three fought against Sauron like a mere 40 years before the events in the LOTR why is everyone so shocked in the Fellowship when he rears his ugly head? Image from the movie t shirt category. - Legolas. Orlando Bloom is all over this film like a fly on fly food and has gone from a minor cameo scene in the last film to pretty much the protagonist. I guess the producers still lie awake at night in terror that we the idiot audience will forget that this film comes from the same people as the LOTR (actually based on quality and story that is a reasonably fair assumption to make) and need to be reminded every three minutes of its origin. In a rare example of artistic integrity Viggo Mortenson refused to do Aragorn for this film based on the fact that having any character in this film from the last series besides Gandalf, Bilbo, and Elrond was stupid but I guess Orlando was sick the day they did story continuity. As an aside they managed to shoehorn in a reference to Aragorn at the end with all the grace and subtlety of an M1 Abrams tank trying to fit into a compact parking space.
Some new Bad Ideas included flying bats (who joined the sandworms in making like two appearances and then shuffling off the screen like a kid in a 3rd grade play who just wet himself on stage), goblins who are bigger and badder than the baddest Urik-Hai you’ve ever seen, cata-trolls, and a long lost elf treasure.
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The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies Review Part 4
This movie suffers from the “We have to make this one biggerer and badderer than the last ones!” disease and has the net result of being kind of stupiderer. For every cool battle scene there were five that were plain dumb (mostly involving Legolas). Suspension of disbelief is one thing but we all know how gravity works so the more you warp that the less real the scenes look and feel. You can’t stick two broken ends of a bow into a log and use it to launch a ballistae bolt. You can’t run up falling rocks or launch yourself through ice 10 feet in the air. The coolest things about the LOTR battle scenes is they were epic without being ridiculous. This film lost all that. It also had a lot of the action smothered under the PG-13 rating like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s next but that is to be expected. Heaven forbid we make this film less accessible to the kiddywinks or require parents to make an active determination what entertainment is appropriate for their kids.
They need to be bigger hit the visuals as well. The first series had 12 foot trolls and you know what would be cooler than that? 30 foot trolls! Oliphants? Pshaw. We have giant Graboids (nerd cred if you know where that came from. No Googling). We definitely need to have another city under siege just like Gondor so look out Dale! Remember that desperate battle between Éowyn and the Witch King? Now we have an even more desperate battle between Thorin and Azog. 
You can almost see the storyboard artists desperately trying to think of ways to insert things from the LOTR but more epic like a kid trying to improve a classic music t shirt with a Bedazzler.
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The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies Review Part 5
I’m not going to bother with the story recap. This film more closely follows the book than any of the Hobbits and honestly if you didn’t read the book I don’t know why you are even reading my blog. I’m sure there is a Jason Stratham movie coming out soon that you will enjoy.
2.5 of 5 Meh
So good or bad? Honestly as much as I rail against this whole series I have to say you should probably watch it. If you saw the first two then for sure. It got a 60% on Rotten Tomatoes and I’d say that’s probably fair. Do yourself a favor and don’t watch any of the LOTR movies prior or you will end up hating it. The difference is I have two copies of each of the LOTR movies on DvD (regular and deluxe extended version) and am good to watch any of them about once a year but will never go out of my way to see this film or either of its predecessors again. It just won’t stick like the other ones. Take the kids so they can learn valuable lessons about solving conflict through brutal violence and then flush it down with every minute of reality TV you have watched in your life. Oh, yeah spare yourself the extra $3 for 3D. I saw it in 3D and barely noticed. I think normal screen resolution has gotten to the point of illustrating what a bogus scam 3D really is. 2.5 of 5 phasers.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I haven’t posted anything in 8 days but the Holiday rush has been killing me. Lots of people needing t-shirts apparently. 
I guess it’s a decent gift although I sold a large amount of Jaws t shirts. Not sure how that fits into the holiday spirit. Things have slowed so I will get back on the horse for sure. Talk to you soon.
the Infamous Dave Inman
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Horrible Bosses 2 Review Part 1
A film that basks comfortably in the warm glow of lowered expectations.
I have nostalgic feelings for the first Horrible Bosses as it was one of the first films that taught me that Rated R was not an automatic comedy success story. I found it lame and pedestrian with very few funny moments but otherwise relatively unremarkable. It wasn’t as bad as the Change Up but you wouldn’t be wrong to put the two movies in the same paragraph. I walked into this theater expecting more of the same Chef Boyardee pasta with sawdust in place of Parmesan cheese.
Imagine my surprise when I found myself honestly laughing out loud on a fairly continuous basis. I guess in the time since the first movie Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day have figured out how to work together without trying to remake the Three Stooges. Either that or I have been so barraged with bad movies in the last couple years that my own taste has shifted from “I want to see something good” to “I want to see something that compares favorably to being staked out over a red ant pile and covered with honey”.
Regardless of motivation I found this movie to be shockingly entertaining. The story no longer focused on an incredibly lame and nonsensical revenge plot and everyone had a motivation that I could relate to (which of us hasn’t dreamed of faking our own kidnapping in order to test our parents love?). The jokes were better and the villains more worthy of what came to them. 
I also am a huge fan of Jennifer Aniston, Christoph Waltz, and Jonathan Banks (Mike from Breaking Bad. Los Pollos Hermanos image courtesy of our Breaking Bad t shirts)
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Horrible Bosses 2 Review Part 2
The thing that bugs me is the part that really made this movie work was Rex Hanson as played by Chris Pine. Regular readers (hi mom!) should know by now that I consider the two recent JJ Abrams Trek-ish flicks to be the ruination of my most beloved franchise and I see Chris Pine as the face of that abomination. Therefore it is hard for me to say anything about him without unloading a lifetime of hatred and scorn (the fact that the dude probably gets laid all the time adds an element of jealousy to that hatred) but the fact is his character really made the movie fun. He was exactly the kind of arrogant, rich, egotistical, mentally unstable villain any film needs as the bad guy and his bizarre interaction with the other three dudes was time well spent. I will never say the man can’t act but he will need to do about 100 more of these films and get me hooked up with a hot chick to make up for the first JJ Abrams Trek film (there aren’t enough good films and hot chicks in the universe to make up for Into Darkness).
This is not to say this film is a triumph. It is merely competent but when compared to the first one that makes it a film capable of shaking the pillars of Heaven. If the first film were a swift kick in the balls then this one is only a mild slap on the face and if you go into the theater expecting testicular impact you will actually quite enjoy it. 
Acting was decent, cast quite good, and while the story was not something to write home about (ah ha ha ha) it also did not inspire me to kill the next person who used the word “your” incorrectly (“Your welcome”. Shakespeare image courtesy of the funny t shirt category).
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Horrible Bosses 2 Review Part 3
The story. The three doofuses from the first film are back and now they have an invention they are trying to manufacture and sell. They get called in by Rex to talk about their invention and Bert (Christoph Waltz) orders 100,000 units. He later rips them off completely and plans to not only take over their business by also ruin them financially. The boys decide to kidnap Berts son Rex (Chris Pine) and hold him for ransom. They opt out but it turns out that Rex has serious daddy issues and wants to fake his kidnapping in order to get some of his dads money and prove that daddy loves him. Elaborate plans are cooked up and then go awry. Crosses are doubled and a couple of twists pop up. The film ends modestly smothered under a blanket of deus ex machina but it is at an acceptable level.
So worth seeing? In a normal month probably not but honestly with the Hunger Games scaring all the rest of the fish out of the water it is not a bad choice. You will laugh. You won’t gain a lot of insight into the transient nature of existence but you will laugh. 
This film would work really, really well with about half a bake on so try to get partially drunk or partially stoned before seeing it. Or just down a sixer of Schlitz and play X-Box all night. Either would be about the same level of entertainment. (Image courtesy of our Bob Marley t shirt collection).
Thanks for reading. I know I’ve been not writing a lot lately but this holiday business is kicking the crap out of my movie viewing time. I’ll try to see something good this week and write it up. Do social media stuff with us on Facetwitpinagram etc. Thanks.
The Infamous Dave Inman
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Watching the 100 while I’m working. Not bad but not great.
So I am working my cute little butt off and have been looking for something to watch while doing so. I just finished S3 or Lillihammer and am now going through the 100. There are a few thoughts I have had on it so far and would like to share.
While it’s not horrible it does have a lot of problems shared by Hollywoods dive into young adults. First and foremost the idea that everyone in the future is both young and good looking. 
Every show since Heroes has done it (except, ironically, for Hiro. Image courtesy if the Heroes t shirt collection). I know they wrote in a premise of why all the 100 had to be kids under the age of 18 but where are the nearsighted dorks or the kid with the near terminal case of acne? In 100 kids there is going to be one or two that have an odd nose or lopsided jaw. Also if the space station has limited resources how is it these kids all have perfect teeth? I doubt orthodontia would get much priority.
Then there are the usual dystopian stereotypes that Hollywood ascribes to. Somehow no one can let go of the idea that if there were a nuclear war the survivors would descend into primitive savages in about a week. It’s only 97 years in the future and everyone has forgotten how to use guns and radios and instead look like Native Americans with armor made out of old tires. I hate to ruin someone’s thought process but reloading used bullet casings is not rocket science. I’m not saying it’s a bad stereotype (hey, I played a lot of Gamma World back in 7th grade) but it’s just so lacking in imagination. Kind of lazy really.
Anyway, I’m enjoying the show. It is definitely ticking off the sci fi stereotype one at a time (my prediction is sometime in the next few episodes I see the giant mutated bear creature and the human with ESP and/or three of something we normally have two of (in Total Recall it was breasts. Best mutant ever!)) but there is a reason those stereotypes became so rote. I only have a few more in this season so maybe I’ll do a post show wrap up. Back to work!
the Infamous Dave Inman
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 8 Miri
Fun episode, although as a kid I remember being totally grossed out by the lesions. Of course at age 8 the idea of all adults dying and leaving me to live hundreds of years playing with my Legos sounded pretty cool.
Of course one problem I have with this episode is it shows the foolishness of the Enterprise crew ever transporting down to an alien planet in less than full NBC gear. Seems like any given planet could be home of a bunch of diseases that could wipe out the human race. Kirk and Lt. Tormolen wore protective suits when they beamed down to Psi 2000 in the Naked Time. 
I read a book called Expendable which had explorers who would land on a planet wearing effectively a body suit that was biohazard, hasmat, and personal body armor and they still died left and right. (suit image courtesy of the Iron Man t shirt collection) Seems like a prudent precaution.
I’m also pretty sure the outside scene were the same set they used for the Returns of the Archons (and possibly a Piece of the Action) with junk piled up. Sometimes I wonder if stories were actually driven by whatever set they had available that month.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 9 Dagger of the Mind
I quite enjoyed this episode. Who doesn’t love stories about psychopaths and the criminally insane? It is wonderful to see someone completely nuts if only to give our own psychosis perspective. I mean, Joker is completely bonkers and we love him. What about Patrick Bateman from American Psycho? Mr. Blonde from Reservoir Dogs? 
Dexter from Dexter (image from our collection of Dexter t shirts).
I also liked this one because Kirk was totally sucked in . When he proves fallible that actually makes him more likable. No one wants to watch God solve problems by snapping his fingers or Cthulu wreak havoc by being nigh indestructable. When a human makes a human mistake we end up identifying with him more. “Hey, Captain Kirk was totally fooled by Dr. Adams yet I too would have been fooled. In that regard he and I are very similar!” See how that works?
Also kudos to the prop department for putting together the very cool Neural Neutralizer out of a dentist char and some spare light parts. I love it when they cobble together something cool. Of course this was Season 1 when they still had a budget but honestly it didn’t look any worse than most modern sci fi props.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer Part 1
I’m kind of mixed.
So I watched the new trailer a few times today and I think I need to write out my feelings to really understand them. I’m sure you, my beloved readers, will appreciate this insight into my thought process.
Casting my mind down memory lane I remember how it was to see the trailer for the Phantom Menace. I, like most Star Wars fans, was unbelievably excited. “OMG a new Star Wars! I’m gonna start waiting on line now!” Of course there were certain signs that in retrospect I should have seen for the dead mine canaries they were. 
Mainly WTF was up with the title and who is this dopey kid looking like the worst child actor in the history of child actors? (Ralph Macchio image from the Karate Kid t shirt collection) However my natural enthusiasm helped me turn a blind eye to the danger like a heroin junkie looking at a used needle.
Then I saw the film and it was like someone had set my hair on fire and punched me in the balls for 136 minutes. I couldn’t believe how awful it was and how far off the track of what makes Star Wars great it had gone. Stunningly bad, and almost bad enough to make me question my love of some of the original three (most specifically Return of the Jedi).
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