The Identical Review
That is, a review of the movie the Identical. Not a direct copy of one of my other reviews.
This may come as something of a shock to you, my gentle readers, but I am apparently not the only person in the world who goes to movies and then writes his or her opinion on whether the movie is good or bad. Lord knows it was a shock to me. It even appears that some of them have somehow scammed newspapers and other media sources into actually paying them money for the service (I’m really at a loss as to how that happens. I can only assume some kind of grift so complex and convoluted that it makes a Ponzi scheme look like a shell game with only one cup). However, do not worry for me as imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and it appears I am being flattered by every paper and web site in the country.
Rather than rail against the injustice of it all I have learned to use all of these lesser reviewers as sort of a bird dog, pointing out easy prey for me to go after (or, more appropriately, like a canary in a mine warning me of fatal fumes by passing out and dying) and when I see a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4% it’s like Commission Gorden lighting up the Batsignal, causing me to change into my super hero reviewer costume (Dickies shirt, jeans, and a “don’t sit next to me” scowl that goes over extremely well in kids animated films and romances) and dash off in my Batmobile (i.e. my silver Crown Vic) to the local theater (I mean crime scene).
So I was really, really hoping for a movie that was so bad it was good. However, this film is a double failure in that it is only just really bad. It is not The Room bad. It is not Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is not even Ice Pirates bad. I’d put it on the badness level of the Warriors Way, a film that started out with some cool ideas and a decent cast but fell on it’s own sword from lack of resources (the main one being decent writers). It has zero originality, zero actual conflict, and a story that looks like it was written by someone who was locked in a room with copies of Great Balls of Fire, Dead Ringers, and a worn out biography of Elvis.
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 30 Amok Time
Of course when you think of Star Trek the Original Series this is one of the first episodes that come to mind and for good reason. It has some very cool Spock development, is a perfect example of the bond of friendship that was such an important part of this series (and kind of lacking in all the latter shows. In almost all of them the friendship was just assumed and kind of perfunctory, while in this show it seemed truly genuine) and let’s see. I think there’s one more thing that’s escaping me. Hmm. What is it? Oh, yeah. THE GREATEST FIGHT SCENE IN TV OR MOVIE HISTORY.
I will argue this to my grave. In truth it wasn’t the best choreographed (although it was brilliantly choreographed) nor was it the most athletic or brutal, but the greatest dramas occur when you see stuff happen to characters you care about and you know are in a bad spot. In this sense you can’t let this one go with less than the top prize. Kirk knows he doesn’t really have a chance against Spock nor does he want to hurt him. Spock is frenzied and actively trying to kill Kirk but you know he really doesn’t want to while McCoy stands helpless to the side. A more dramatic fight scene you won’t find.
Sure, you can talk about the fight scenes from They Live, or Enter the Dragon, or the Empire Strikes Back as brilliant fight scenes (and they are. They Live image courtesy of the Horror Movie T-Shirt category) but put all the camera and chroreography on a level playing field and you will not ever find a better, more engaging fight. Of course it is all set to the greatest fight music song off all time in my humble opinion (as an aside, should you ever come to trade fisticuffs with me and for some reason the Star Trek fight music is playing in the background prepare to have your ass handed to you six ways to Sunday. There isn’t a song in the world that gets my blood pumping harder or my aggression more up. On the other hand if you manage to get something by One Direction or Justin Bieber playing I will probably just roll up into a fetal position and let you kick me in the stomach until I puke up my small intestine).
Anyway, if you want to see the power of this scene watch it and then go watch Cable Guy again (one of Jim Carrey’s most underrated films). Also, while this observation probably won’t go over with all two of my female readers but this fight, like most brutal fist fights between best friends (and casual acquaintances) is all the girls fault. Just saying.
the Infamous Dave
When the Game Stands Tall Review
A good play that was sacked at the line of scrimmage.
So I have said that, while I really have no interest in watching football, baseball, hockey, tennis, golf, badmitten, curling, soccer, lacrosse, polo, dwarf tossing, dachshund racing, or bowling (actually soccer is kind of exciting to watch. I kid, I kid. Soccer sucks too) I quite enjoy a good sports movie. Major League, 42, Rollerball, A League of Their Own, Slapshot, Field of Dreams, Jerry McGuire, the Hunger Games; these are all sports movies that draw me in. While I might not be interested in watching muscular grown men sweat and strain while slapping each others behinds in real life the story of how they got there is really fascinating.
Even Peter Parker wanted out of high school.
So why did I not enjoy this film? Well first of all as the main character says frequently “It’s only high school football”. Caring about high school sports that do not involved your own kid in some way (quarterback, cheerleader, water boy) is something only creepy single middle age men with no lives do from the comfort of their parents basement (and before any of you say anything I DO NOT live in my parents basement) as a means of pretending they have things going on. As I learned the hard way high school is merely a diving board from which you launch yourself into college, the Army, or the deep fryer at your local McDonalds. A week after you graduate your sum accomplishments will have all the weight and sticking ability of a fart on a windy night. High school is not something to be enjoyed so much as endured and watching a bunch of teenagers talk about how this is the greatest moment of their lives actually left me feeling sorry for them all (Spiderman for class pres image courtesy of the Spiderman t-shirt category). The net effect leaves this film clawing desperately for a point.
Secondly movies about sports generally are good when they have a story, and this movie didn’t bother with such minutia. I’m not going to say all movies should have a standard three act structure with a protagonist, an antagonist, and some kind of main story line but if you are going to divert off that path odds are you should have some idea of what else you are going to do, rather then move from unconnected plot point to plot point like a single cell in a Brownian movement. There was a definite tone or feel to this film but in truth if felt like six different 20 minute after school specials about God and sports. It is rarely the sign of good movie when the big bad monster the hero has to slay is introduced, confronted, and defeated in the last 30 minutes of a 115 minute film.
Star Trek Retrospective: Episdoe 31 Who Mourns for Adonais #StarTrek
I’ve always had a warm spot for this episode. It a weird way it really makes sense, and the tragedy of Adonais at the end of the show really tugs at you. Plus it’s one of those great episodes where the crew have to do something horrible that they later feel bad about it like when Kirk had to let Edith Keeler die in the City on the Edge of Forever. The best line in the show was McCoy saying “I wish we hadn’t had to do this” after they burned down the temple.
It was also a very cool use of the horrible special effects they had back then. I remember looking at this episode as a kid and really believing that Adonias was holding the Enterprise in his hand, or that he really did grow up huge and fade to nothing. People who say TNG is better then TOS because of the special effects are idiots. That’s like saying an iPhone is better then a retro 70’s rotary phone. The phone might suck, but in 1970 it was state of the art. Also phones back then could be used as deadly blunt instrument and more than one person was strangled with the cords. They made those old phones to last.
Anyway, I got this image from the Star Trek category, but honestly when I look at it for some reason I think of the new Attack on Titan t-shirts. Not just the size of Adonias but the framing and positioning. I wonder if the Attack on Titan makers are fans of Star Trek?
If I Stay Review #IfIStay
The perfect movies for girls who wish all boys were anatomically Ken dolls (and the guys who agree with them).
Ho hum. We are now in the dregs of the season movie wise. Too late to be a summer blockbuster, too early to be a Christmas release. This is where movies that the studios know don’t have the chops to compete in with the big boys surface like a bloated corpse in a dank bog. The movies that really couldn’t deal with going to school like a regular kid but hopes they can be the coolest kids on the short bus. You know, big fish in the little pond.
If I Stay is a perfect example of that, as well as a few other lame movie phenomena. It is another attempt to capitalize on the Young Adult book market (I keep seeing other reviewers abbreviate this to YA, which I find infuriating, but will use as long as I can follow it with “, it was a crappy movie”) only without any of the gravitas or imagination that makes other YA book/movies (BMs?) successful (eww. I just implied that Twilight has some imagination. Time to go flagellate myself for an hour (and if you think I just said something dirty you need to go back to high school)). Not that the more successful YA BMs are particularly imaginative (being almost all rip offs of other, better stories or just lore) but at least there was the hint of something interesting in vampires glowing in the light.
No so this film. It rips off pretty much every mediocre ghost/invisible story ever and merges it with a really dumb young love plot. However if you are in the market to see a dull movie I will say this film is particularily economical: for the price of a single boring movie you actually get three! It is a boring ghost story, a really boring teenage love/angst story, and an astounding exciting story about a girl learning to play cello (I hope your sarcasm detectors are working). Such a value!
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 32 the Changeling #StarTrek
This was an episode that didn’t really excite me as a kid but now as an adult I love it. The entire concept was fascinating; an Earth remote probe meets up with an alien probe and the two of them merge into a super monster with a bizarre twisted mission to find perfection and sterilize anything found less then perfect. If you are a fan of the Berserker series by Fred Saberhagen this might resonate with you.
Plus any episode where Spock gets to use his mind meld is plus for me. Of course in later series’s any time a Vulcan showed up on the screen you know it’s only a matter of time before they trot out the old mind meld again. Sometimes it’s ok to come up with something original instead of milking the old cow for the stuff the fan boys crave.
You know, that makes me wonder a lot about mind melds. Can all Vulcans do it? Seems like so. Spock is only half Vulcan, so does that mean Tuvok is twice as good, or is it a training thing? If a Vulcan truly mind melds with someone does that mean the person they are melding with also gets into the Vulcans head? They sure implied that when the Horta learned how to write after merging with Spock in the Devil in the Dark. If so whenever a high ranking Star Fleet officer uses mind meld to gain information from an enemy isn’t there a huge chance that the enemy might get some kind of top secret from him or her? You know, things like access codes, deflector shield frequencies, or Captain Kirks favorite space condom color. You never know when these things can screw you up.
Also, if a Vulcan can mind meld with a giant lava monster in like five minutes doesn’t that mean that two Vulcans should be able to meld in like three seconds? If so why do they even bother with speaking? Seems like if you wanted to get a PhD in Xenobiology you could just brain suck the most advanced Vulcan Xenobiologist and learn all he or she knew (while he or she would gain your knowledge of 15th century bardiches). Since Spock managed to copy his entire personality and download it into McCoy at the end of TWOK it seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do. Why aren’t all Vulcans masters of everything?
Anyway, I do now really enjoy this episode. I love the scene were Kirk convinces Nomad he made a mistake. One scene where Shatners overacting really, really worked. Spock is not the only crew member capable of logical thought. The image I pulled from the Star Trek t-shirt category. Talk to you soon.
the Infamous Dave Inman
The November Man Review
AARP James Bond just got real.
This is one of those annoying movies that I can’t really decide if I like it or not. I like writing reviews for films that really commit to being amazing or sucking like the Sarlacc. No one likes a fence sitter.
I guess it was OK. It was certainly better than the 36% it got on Rotten Tomatoes. I guess I enjoyed Peirce Brosnan although were I to give him career advice (as I sit in my crappy office in a warehouse who’s foundation is at least 8% rat excrement and the neighborhood compares favorable to a demilitarized zone but only just barely) it would be that maybe after doing James Bond the wise move would be to steer clear of spy movies. The story assumed I had an IQ bordering on triple digits and the girls in the film were gorgeous. The action was not grossly over the top but still managed to be well done and exciting. So why didn’t I love this film?
Honestly its because it is so formulaic. It’s like if movie scientists wanted to create a perfectly neutral spy movie as a baseline with which to compare all other spy movies good or bad to. It has all the obvious spy elements. (SPOILER ALERTS) A super spy who is betrayed by his government. An enemy who used to be his good friend. A villain who starts off as his friend but betrays him (and if you didn’t see it coming you must still be surprised when red traffic lights turn green). A hot girl in distress. A young girl in distress. A femme fatale. A murdered lover. A secret. A plot twist. Car chases, guns, knives, fights, and the day saved by one of the main guys remembering the value of friendship. With the weight of all the spy cliches packed into this plot I kept waiting for the film to collapse in on itself and create a spy movie quantum singularity.
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 33 Mirror, Mirror
This is one of those episodes that I both love and hate. I love it for being a brilliant episode with a cool story and Spock with a beard. Plus Uhura in a skimpy outfit and Terra kicking ass like I wish they would. I love seeing evil Spock and all his logical glory.
On the other hand I hate this episode for being the standard go-to inspiration for every single series. In any of the following series when things get slow and uninspired at the writing desk they just take a trip to the Mirror universe. TNG, DS9, and Enterprise all did it. Voyager managed to avoid it (I think) but honestly how would the Borg of the Mirror universe differ from the ours? Perhaps they assimilate with flowers and religious pamphlets?
The other part that bugs about the fact that every show has to visit the Mirror universe is that if there is one parallel universe logic tells us that there have to be literally billions, and finding that one specific universe is nearly impossible. Also, what is the deal with Mirror universe having to be evil? It’s like when Kirk got split in two in The Enemy Within. How did he split into good and evil halves? Couldn’t he just split into gay and straight, or the half that is OK telling the world about his toupee and the half that wants to keep it hidden? Does the Mirror universe have to be the evil reflection of our universe, or could it be the version where the Smurfs had a massive resurgence in popularity in 2173 and now everyone takes descriptive names like Brainy or Hefty (or in the case of most red shirts Deadsy. Odds are Kirk would have gone for Sexy although he might have been cool with Papa).
The Infamous Dave Inman
(Good Spock/Evil Spock one of my favorite Star Trek novelty t shirts, BTW. I wear it all the time)
Lucy Review
Ever wonder what Limitless would have been like if Bradley Cooper had breasts and was a hot(ter) chick? Wonder no more.
Before I get into this I want to talk a bit about these reviews. I have been evaluating my time and what the results are. These reviews take hours to write and since I don’t get a lot of readers anyway I think I am going to cut back a bit. No other reviews I read go as deep into it as I seem to so I will follow their lazier example. Maybe I’ll get even more readers? Who’s to say. I will also focus on the fun parts I enjoy: seeing the film, complaining about Hollywood, bitching about my love life, coming up with bizarre entertainment conspiracies, unlikely analogies, and making an ill informed recommendation based on zero qualifying experience. The parts I will skip are the ones that take a lot of time and aren’t even that much fun to read: detailed story recap, listing every actor along with a filmography, and my overly complex stars and black hole rating system. I’ll go to the traditional 0-5 star rating system but instead of stars let’s call them Phasers in honor of my love of Star Trek.
So Lucy. Of the laundry list of things I am disappointed with in Hollywood and the crap they keep pushing out (oh, yeah, I’m definitely not giving up on the subtle biological, scatological, and obscene jokes) has to be the decline of certain movie producers I used to respect. Highest on this list is probably Luc Besson (Wait a minute! Luc + y = Lucy! You clever egomaniac!), whom I used to think was one of my top guys in film but now I approach his movies with the same enthusiasm a finalist in a hot dog eating contest would his 47th hot dog: it probably has some good flavor were this the first one but honestly all you have is an amalgam of random animal parts and rat excrement just like the last 46 and your reward for finishing will be…another hot dog.
So what makes this movie different for Luc is that instead of mining his own old movies in hopes of finding an unused gem he is now ripping off other people’s movies. This film is pretty much the Buddhist female lead version of Limitless with a super healthy dose of the Matrix and a big chunk of Akira floating around like a beer bottle in a swimming pool. Also for some reason Tree of Life dominated the visuals. Since Limitless was kind of a rip off of Charly (which was based on Flowers for Algernon) that makes this the least imaginative story premise ever. I’d also like to point out that the theory that we only use 10% of our brain was developed by two nutjobs in the 1890’s and has since been disproven over and over again. The “science” behind this film is at all times laughable.
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 34 the Apple
So this episode was a red shirt bloodbath with three guys dying in the first 10 minutes (poisoned plant dart, explosive rock, and lightning). This is also another one where Checkov almost gets his girl and is totally aced out by the script. He has the worst dating luck since…me I guess. I wonder if he ever went on a date with a girl who turned out to have been born a man?
I supposed I could talk about this episode and how it technically is a huge violation of the Prime Directive, the hair styles that most have been what inspired Flock of Seaguls, or the fact that no one in the episode was wearing a shirt but you know what I always used to wonder about as a kid when I saw this one? I always wondered it was like inside the mouth of Vaal. When the Feeders of Vaal go in was there a conveyor belt or chute to drop the explosive rocks down, or did they go down a stair case to some kind of chamber with a furnace or something? Also if they had been feeding Vaal rocks for centuries wouldn’t they eventually run out of rocks just lying around? How do they find more? What if they find a big one but it’s too big to carry or fit in Vaal’s mouth? How do you break one up without blowing yourself up? Could they mine them somehow? Wouldn’t you constantly be in danger of blowing up the whole planet?
The woman who played Checkov’s love interest Yeoman Landon is Celeste Yarnall. I know this because I see her at every single Star Trek convention I go to. She’s a nice woman but seems to think the Apple was the best episode ever and doesn’t understand why I don’t have 150 Apple t-shirts in addition to this one from the tv show t shirt category or can’t just print up one with her on it. The subtle nuances of licensing are more or less missed by her. Still, she is very sweet and I wish her continued success in selling her Apple autograph photos.
the Infamous Dave Inman
