Sin City: A Dame to Kill For Review
Same city.
Have you ever been hanging out with a little kid in a group of adults and he makes a fart joke that just happens to have the perfect timing and words to be hilarious and the entire group bursts out into raucous laughter? At that point you can do nothing but look at the kids parents in sympathy because you know that for the next 12 years or so that kid will do nothing but fart jokes, ever looking for that magical humor lightning to strike twice and probably lead him to a future career as tow truck driver, mall security guard, or writer of a bitter and acerbic movie review blog. Basically if it doesn’t involve flatulence he will no longer think it funny just because a bunch of moronic grown ups laughed at a joke he made at age 6.
That’s pretty much what I see happening here. Robert Rodriguez teamed up with Frank Miller and came out with a mind blowing movie that was lauded for it’s camera work and noir heritage. Since whenever he’s not doing a film like this or Machete he is doing films with titles like The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl one can only imagine he is very hungry for a repeat of that adulation and as I pointed out in my review of Machete Kills he is of the “humor and excitement through repetition” school of movie making it makes sense that he would be totally cool with doing essentially the same movie with a few new characters in it. The problem is the original Sin City was mind blowing for it’s originality whereas this film ends up feeling like you just watched a really well done documentary on a subject you are already very familiar with.
Not that it’s bad. If you loved the original Sin City and found yourself wishing it would go on for another 102 minutes your dreams have come true. Also if you are a fan of Cool World-esque cartoonish camera angles, black and white, and gravel voiced monologues forgetaboutit. If you feel guilty because every year you skip the Film Noir festival at the Castro Theater you could probably fill up your artsy dark movie tank and dash off into the night like a pretentiously mysterious Spanish gentleman in a romance novel.
The Expendables 3 Review
A little less expendable than the last one.
In my bizarre form of personal narcissism I naturally assume that everyone I meet knows who I am and is familiar with me and my life. In particular I assume everyone has at least read my blog (if that were true then according to my tracking data California has a population of about 87 people). Of course my rational brain understands this is tremendously far from the truth and most people I meet assume I am some kind of mover, truck driver, or thug in the employ of the local criminal element. However when I let my blog fantasies write themselves in my head I see all of Hollywood eagerly reading each review, rejoicing at each crumb of praise and bemoaning each gentle criticism (“I really don’t want to hate it and him on all levels (even subatomically) but he just makes it so, so very easy” – recent Transformers review) and taking in my feedback to the betterment of their craft or at least committing ritual seppuku.
(classic Expendables poster from the movie t-shirt category)
The point is it almost feels like the producers of the Expendables 3 read my Expendables 2 review and took out 70% of the stuff that really bugged the hell out of me. They cut back on the classic action star deluge to a manageable level and didn’t have them popping out of the scenery like heavily armed prairie dogs. They got rid of the horribly invasive plot devices to include all of them. They had a story that didn’t suck (and was almost coherent). The non-classic action movie actors they hired could deliver a line with more nuance and emotion than an Animatronic buccaneer from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. The plot advanced organically and didn’t leave giant plot holes in its wake like massive road apples. The film felt adequately long at 126 minutes. There was no completely unnecessary and annoying romantic love interest. The comic relief was actually pretty cool and fitted in well. In general a true improvement over the last film.
What, then, about the remaining 30% that annoyed me you ask? Well, unfortunately nothing was done to improve most of that. In fact it got tragically worse. The biggest problem this movies suffers from is the fact that they went in for a PG-13 rating. I have talked about PG-13 draping over other action films like a wet blanket but in this film it is like an ocean container full of wet blankets landing on the screen and flattening it out. They tried to push the PG-13 boundary as far as they could and took full advantage of the one per film allowable S-word and F-bomb but were I a witness in court and was asked if I had actually seen any of the several hundred peopled killed in this film die I would have to answer “I don’t know”. For all I know they were all stunned with rubber bullets fired by a completely different team never shown on screen.
The Giver Review
I wish this movie had given me more to care about.
So when I first heard about this film I made the immediate and completely logical assumption that it was an attempt to launch another of the interminable Twilightesque teenie bopper franchises. It had all the warning signs: two hot young boys who look like girls in a slightly futuristic fantasy society that oppresses their love and emotions while centered on a hot but bland young girl based on a novel that is supposed to be popular with young people. However at that point all of my friends who were in middle school in the 90’s told me it’s a classic that is taught in schools for some reason and is really good.
Then I saw it and found it to be another bland teen-centric romance in set in a future society bent on oppressing young love so I guess my first instincts were right? What sucks is the source material is supposed to be better than most but thanks to this bomb I am more inclined to read Star Trek fan fiction than anything by Lois Lowry. She may just be a brilliant writer but to me she looks and sounds like another half assed author who thinks all you need to be science fiction is some hovering robots and everyone wearing the same jumpsuits.
The point is it is exactly the same as any other teenage disposable income vacuums and not as well done as most of them. Sure it’s better than the Host or Mortal Instruments but the producers of the Hunger Games and Divergent would be well within their rights to spit on this film as they walk by. It does have Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep in it but honestly they weren’t enough to save the picture.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Review
Functionally entertaining.
Regular readers of my blog (all three of you. Hi mom!) should have by now realized that I have an issue with Michael Bay and his movies, and that by “issue” I mean to date I have hated him and his work with the burning passion of 10,000 suns. His style of movie making (no story, big explosions, treating source material like toilet paper during a prune and Mexican food festival, acting that barely compares favorably to watching department store mannequins stare at each other, dopey cartoonish CGI that obscures the action and special effects with action and special effects, and characters who develop only under protest and usually come out looking like a failed mad science experiment) is everything I think is wrong with mass market movie making and I arrived at the theater like the bastard love child of MacGuyver and Elmer Fudd: armed and equipped with every literary shotgun, rifle, bear trap, claymore, and excrement coated punji stick to take down another gigantic movie wildebeest and mount it’s head up on my trophy wall. Imagine my surprise when I walked out of the theater realizing I had just seen the best movie of my life.
Wait, did I just write that correctly? No. What I meant to say was I had just seen the best Michael Bay movie of my life. On another day that might be like saying that the sand filled garden hose I had just been beaten with was made of the softest rubber available or that the piece of my brain they removed was the least important lobe but as the movie progressed I found myself warming up to the CGI turtles and being reasonably entertained. At no point during the movie did I want to see another human in the theater bleed (including myself or the projectionist. Surprises never cease) and at the end I felt like I had gotten my monies worth from the experience. It wasn’t a bargain and it wasn’t enriching but it did serve to entertain.
(note-I know there are those of you out there who will say the Rock was Michael Bay’s best movie but honestly if you go back and watch it again and mentally block out the stunning presences of Sean Connery and adequate presence of Nicholas Cage you will realize what schock it really was)
Guardians of the Galaxy Review
Guardians of the Awesome.
First off let me apologize for not writing anything in the last month. The lead up to San Diego Comic Con followed immediately by the Las Vegas Star Trek convention really took it out of me and I have been scrambling to get caught up since getting back. While on the road I was a couple films and tried to write them up but tended to fall asleep at my keyboard. Thus I have the first paragraph of my Planet of the Apes and Earth to Echo reviews sitting in my drafts folder (amazing and cute but meh respectively). The worst part about being so absent is the last review I did was for Tammy and anyone coming to my blog for the first time has to deal with that broken sump pump.
So rather than go back and finish the two I have on deck I thought I would jump in with something epic, Guardians of the Galaxy. I will be honest. I had my doubts going in. I am a big Chris Pratt fan but never really saw him as an action guy (OK, sure Zero Dark Thirty and he was an awesome action guy in the Lego Movie, but still all I see is his goofy character in Parks and Rec) and the use of bad 70’s music seemed to imply that the studio was accidentally remaking Ice Pirates without realizing it. However, had I had the mental werewithal to do some actual research beforehand (hahahahaha yeah like that’s going to happen even when I’m well rested) I would have realized it was directed by Peter Gunn. Sure he did do Movie 43 and the Scooby Doo live action film (also Lollypop Chainsaw, the video game confluence of hot chicks in skimpy Catholic school uniforms and zombies. Actually when I write that sentence out it the game sounds a lot less lame than it did in my head) but one movie he did that really stands out and has relevance in this genre is Super. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it. It is not the movie you expect and you will not feel a lot better after seeing it but it is awesome nevertheless.
(actually Peter Gunn also wrote the screenplay for Tromeo and Juliet, putting him on another level of amazing IMO)
The point is I think Peter is good enough to execute a great comic book movie and here he proves it. It seems like the directors I like the best in mainstream film all started off doing lo budget garbage. The guys who cut their teeth working for the big studios all seem to suck (cough cough Bay cough cough).
So this movie is in all ways pretty amazing. What I loved most about it wasn’t the great action or special effects but rather the characters. 
Joss Whedon has had a very positive influence on Marvel studios and honestly this cast of characters and the ship has a very strong Firefly vibe to it (also Nathan Fillian made a cameo in it. See if you can spot him. Mal image courtesy of the Firefly T Shirt category). When asked which of the character I love the best I’m like a five year old. “Star Lord? He’s my favorite. Drax? Oh yeah, HE’S my favorite. Groot? Well, really he’s my favorite. Although maybe it’s Rocket.” Each one had a depth and interest that is lacking in a lot of so called character movies. They all work well together and you get a great feel of cohesion from the cast.
It’s interesting to me that Marvel (or Disney, if you want to get technical) has managed to figure out that when they go deep, deep into the source material and actually produce films based on the comic books they get much better movies than those that are merely “inspired” by their sources. Source material generally has great stories and characters that have been beloved and developed for years, not invented by a couple of coked up college dropouts with a word processor over a weekend. I guess this is a benefit of working for the biggest, most authoritarian entertainment production company in the universe. If there is one thing Disney understands it’s how to protect a franchise. Would that other franchises that may or may not rhyme with Tar Strek, Miderspan, or Franstormers learned that lesson. I doubt there is room for crappy creative ego or character re-imagining when you are under the thumb of the Mouse, and I’m sure any producer or director who said something like “You know what we should do? Instead of having Groot be a walking plant let’s make him a walking pipe cleaner man! The kids will love it!” got a size 16 white rodent boot broken off in his or her ass faster than HR could print out a pink slip. It’s odd that after all my years of railing against Disney I now find myself loving them.
So the story is great, but if you are not familiar with the Infinity Gauntlet and the events leading up to it you might miss a lot. Fortunately the core story holds up very well and the amazing characters will keep you fully engaged. It starts off with young Peter Quill on Earth being brought into the hospital bed to watch his mother die of cancer (I assume). She gives him a gift and tells him one day his father will find him. Peter runs outside and immediately abducted by aliens.
Skip forward 26 years and Peter Quill (Chris Pratt-the Lego Movie, Delivery Man, Parks and Rec) is now Star Lord, an outlaw with a slew of cool equipment including a fold out helmet I would give a lot to have. He is on a desolate planet looking for a weird orb while listening to his 26 year old tape Walkman playing hits of the 70’s. He gets the orb but almost gets pinched by some bad guys working for a guy named Ronan (Lee Pace-the Hobbit, Breaking Dawn Part 2, Lincoln) but gets away on his ship.
Turns out he is stealing the object and ripping off his sociopathic former partner Yondu Udonta (Michael Rooker-the Walking Dead, Jumper, Cliffhanger). 
He takes the orb to his buyer but the buyer backs out when he learns that Ronan is involved. On his way out he is attacked by a raccoon named Rocket (Bradly Cooper-the Hangover, Limitless, American Hustle) and Rockets giant plant friend Groot (Vin Diesel-Saving Private Ryan, Fast Five, Riddick), who are after the bounty put out by Yondo, and Gamora (Zoe Saldana-Star Trek Into Darkness, Colombiana, Avatar) the adopted daughter of Thanos (if you don’t know who Thanos is don’t worry about it) working for Ronin. They get into a scuffle and are all arrested by the Nova Corps led by Dey (John C. Reilly-Wreck It Ralph, Talladega Nights, Step Brothers).
They get tossed into prison and meet up with Drax (Dave Bautista-Riddick, WWE Smackdown, the Man with the Iron Fists). Drax hates Ronan and wants to kill Gamora but Peter convinces him to wait for Ronan to come kill her. The group teams up when Gamora tells them she has a buyer for the orb that will pay them enough to be rich forever. They all break out and get to the Collector (Benicio Del Toro-the Usual Suspect, Traffic, Savages) who opens up the orb and shows them it is one of the dreaded Infinity Gems.
Things go haywire and Peter is convinced he needs to turn the gem over to the Nova Corps. Ronan wants the gem in order to destroy his enemies. Things get blown up, guys get their asses beat down, and the movie progresses with an amazingly refreshing pace.
The stars:
Great story that is extremely coherent (something of a singularity these days). Two stars. I loved every one of the characters and as jaded and beaten down as I am it’s rare that I love even one in a movie. Three stars. Comic book movie. One star. Great effects and CGI. One star. The soundtrack worked brilliantly. One star. Pacing was unbelievable. 121 minutes that felt like an hour. One star. I really enjoyed Michael Rooker in this even if he was just playing his usual character. I guess I really enjoy that character. One star. About 100,000,000 Easter Eggs, which made it a lot of fun. One star. I love films that stick to the source material and don’t “Hollywood” it up. One star. In general a super fun and exciting film. Three stars. Total: 15 stars (??!?!!).
The black holes:
If you aren’t up to speed on the Infinity Gauntlet story a lot of this might slip through your fingers. This could prove frustrating if you want to follow the story but if so go read some trades you lazy sod. I am sick of films over-explaining things to the non-fans. Nevertheless it rates one black hole. I was a little disappointed in how little Thanos was used. I thought he could have made another appearance or two and even thought I saw a big one coming towards the end. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
Wow. 13 stars. I can’t tell you to go see this film with more emphasis. It truly rocks. See it on the biggest IMAX 3D you can find. Date movie? Who cares? This film is so great your date could be a supermodel in a bikini two sizes too small for her and you wouldn’t even notice. Odds are you are better off going with your bros but if you do bring a date and she doesn’t love it the fact is the relationship was never meant to be. Better that you find out now. Bathroom break? Hell no. It is worth risking severe damage to your bladder or wear an adult diaper to not miss a minute of this film.
So thanks for your patience and for reading. I will try to get caught up soon and will be seeing a lot of films over the next two weeks. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Please post your comments here or email me with off topic questions or suggestions. Looks like I am going to have to see the new TMNT film (ugh) tonight so look for that review tomorrow. Talk to you soon.
the Infamous Dave Inmam
BTW the IMAX I went to for this film had assigned seating and the bastard sitting next to me had B.O. that could kill 1,000 elves. I suffered through it (once the movie got rolling I could have been on fire and not noticed) but if you happen to be that bastard burn your stupid hat, shave off your hipster beard, stop smoking, and Google deodorant. You just may learn something about personal hygiene that will have people hating you less.
Tammy Review
Thelma and Louise meets Falling Down.
I guess this movie is another example of the skill and power of studio marketing departments. I have seen the trailer for this one several dozen times and walked in fully expecting to see a hilarious Melissa McCarthy Bridesmaids-esque project with fun characters and ridiculous situations and instead I got…you know I don’t know what the hell I got. It wasn’t a comedy but it had comedic elements. It wasn’t a drama but at times it was damned depressing. In many of my reviews I like to talk about tone and the failure of a movie to maintain it (tone is something you specifically do not notice if it is maintained properly) and this film might well be the penultimate example of tonal failure.
This film reeks of vanity project in the same way my high school locker reeked of jock strap. Starring Melissa McCarthy. Written by Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone (husband of Melissa McCarthy). Directed by Ben Falcone (with no other directing credits). Produced by Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone. Did the two of them collaborate on the soundtrack and handle craft services? Melissa is an accomplished comedian and all around funny person but I guess that does not necessarily translate into the ability to write a script. It’s clear that after the success of Bridesmaids, the Heat, and Identity Thief someone thought she could just excrete a good movie with no oversight. At least the excreting part was accomplished successfully.
This is more evidence that the curse of the Hangover is still in effect in Hollywood. Everyone now looks at cheap to make rated R comedies in the same way a dingo eyes a baby and sees little dancing dollar signs in front of their eyes. Unfortunately just because a film fits into the same general category as a more successful film does not mean it is automatically going to hitch up to that success train. A good rated R comedy still needs to be good, and since this film is neither a good film nor really a comedy I guess I have to deem it a failure.
6 hot chicks as bikers in movies.
So I was talking to one of my best friends. She is a biker chick and own a company that sells hot biker chick clothes and we got onto the subject of hot biker chicks in movies. Naturally she went to the Harley types like Gemma Teller Morrow but I tend towards the nerdier ones. I did some research and came out with this very nerdy list of 6 hotties and one nottie (I wanted to do 10 but honestly there is a shortage in film. I supposed if I had done TV I could have thrown in Catwoman and Diana Prince but I like purity).
- Selina Kyle Catwoman in the Dark Knight Rises. I have always had a thing for Anne Hathaway that has been strong enough for me to forgive even her trying to get me to kill myself with One Day. In this one she is the trifecta: a super hot girl in a leather cat suit on the Batcycle. It’s like they lifted everything from my horniest dream except the Leia metal bikini.
- Trinity from Matrix Reloaded. The movie might have sucked (at least compared to the first one) but one thing I never objected to was Carrie Ann Moss in her vinyl biker outfit. Of course, short haired brunettes have a special place in my heart (and other parts of my anatomy).
- The Priestess from Priest. Ah, Maggie Q. You are a hottie, especially when killing vampires with holy throwing knives. Somehow I am more attracted to you in head to toe black cloth and a cross branded on your forehead than a lot of women in lingerie.
- Judge Anderson from Dredd. The weirdest thing about Olivia Thirlby is normally she is brunette with the most pleasant smile on her face but in this she was blond and looked like you just strangled her favorite puppy. As I look over this list I realize I am very attracted to women with serious personality issues. Also brunettes.
- Barb Wire in Barb Wire. Sure this movie probably did more to undo women’s liberation than the National Barefoot and Pregnant in the Kitchen Dishwashing Contest (this year held in Omaha, Nebraska) but you cannot deny the fact that Pam Anderson looks really, really good on a Harley.
- Mikaela Banes in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It seems in most of his movie Michael Bay has to have a scene that would not seem out of place on late night Skinimax and the scene of Megan Fox mounting her motorcycle and posing in a way that only the term “presenting” can be used to accurately describe it has a fond place in my heart.
And of course the one very not hot “chick” on a motorcycle has to be the cross dressing bride Shaky Finch from Cannonball Run. Just painful.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Snowpiercer Review
Most of Hollywood should dream of one day making a movie this good.
My life, much like this movie, is a study in contrasts. My last review was the new Transformers movie by Michael Bay, the Dr. Mengele of movie directors. This week I am doing Snowpiercer, a movie that is to 99% of science fiction movies what those movie are to swimming in an open sewer for 165 minutes (still preferable to most Bay flicks IMO). I was pretty well astounded at how this South Korean film could hit the mark so well and so perfectly.
Over the past few years I have become a fan of Korean film. Some is good, some is bad, but a lot of it is brilliant. This one falls into the last category and then sets up base camp to travel to other peaks of brilliance. Really, really good. In what can laughingly be called my movie reviewing career I have only once given a film all stars and no black holes (Argo, if you are curious) and unless I have a brain transplant in the hour and a half that it takes me to write this I will have my second.
Then of course there is the massive controversy between visionary director Joon-ho Boon and heavy handed studio executive Harvey Weinstien. Harvey didn’t like this film and wanted to cut 20 minutes off. He also (I did research this) wanted a voice over narration at the beginning and end that would have been totally unnecessary (and would have most earned a black hole from me). Has he never seen the difference between the theatrical release of Blade Runner, where the narration sits on the film like an 800 lb cat sitting on your face, and the Directors Cut where the film flows naturally and the director assumes that his audience is more intelligent than the dinosaurs who died to make his film? The simplification of a movie story is a sure sign that the director and/or executives have sneering contempt for their audience and think we spend all day eating, mating, and throwing feces at each other (for me it’s certainly not ALL day).
Transformers: Age of Extinction 3D Review #Transformers
Proof that only thing in danger of extinction is quality movie making.
There’s a cartoon from a few years ago on Adult Swim called Frisky Dingo. It is the story of an alien named Killface who plans to destroy the Earth but feels a bizarre compulsion to market that fact to the population of the planet with the help of some incompetent henchmen (If you don’t want to take my recommnedation and watch it but want to understand the humor it can be more or less summed up by the fact that Killface’s arch nemisis is Awesome X and his team is called the Xtacles). At one point while explaining to his marketing team why he doesn’t have the budget for a media buy Killface flies into a rage and one of the team says “Please don’t kill us!” to which Killface replies “Please don’t make it so appealing!”
That pretty much sums up my feelings about Michael Bay and his Transformers series. I really don’t want to hate it and him on all levels (even subatomically) but he just makes it so, so very easy to disgorge a lifetimes of bile and disgust all over my keyboard. It’s like I’m a lion and his movies are a gazelle that he cuts two of the legs off of and then covers the thing in ranch dressing and throws in a side salad and basket of dinner rolls. He produces the most rote crap ever. He’s like a bizarre alien from an illiterate dimension who can only survive by breathing in and recycling corny cliches. He must take meetings with his market research people daily and craft his films based on their recommendations to the nth degree. Explosions, stereotypes, annoying humans, and dialog that would sound hackneyed and childish to a Speak & Spell must all be trending positively in marketing these days, although Heaven knows where they are finding their marketing demographic. Maybe from the top 50 contestants in the National Lead Paint Chip Eating Contest.
The good news is that this is not the worst Transformer movie of the series. All things are relative however and even if this were the best of the series (which it isn’t) it would still be the equivalent of being dissolved alive in 18 molar acid instead of 25 molar acid. As a kid I loved the Dinobots and while their character and heritage was treated with the same respect Bay and Hollywood treats all of my childhood toys (not well. Kind of like if you took the Declaration of Independence and tweaked it into a jingle to sell Happy Meals) it was fun to see them on the screen. Of course in spite of the fact that they were featured in every single trailer and there was a huge cardboard cut out of Grimlock in the lobby of the local theater they only occupied about 10 of the 165 minutes this film ran.
Think Like a Man Too Review
I was thinking about number two through most of this film.
Actually, when faced with rom-coms so trite and cliche I often find myself thinking about the movie I one day hope to create with all my fabulous review blog money (amount of money earned from this blog by me to date: -$0.32) which involves a lot of hot girls, fast cars, and machine guns. You can’t see every movie that comes out of the sewage overflow known as Hollywood without picking up a thing or two about what works and what doesn’t (incidentally, any representatives of the sewage overflown known as Hollywood interested in my current project (working title: Hot Girls in Fast Cars with Machine Guns) should contact me immediately).
Let’s talk a minute about Kevin Hart. I don’t have anything against the man. I enjoyed him in Ride Along and generally think he is funny. However ubiquitous does not accurately capture how much we are seeing him in movies these days. He is in freaking everything and yet seems to always play the same character (fast talking egotistical hustler who’s not as smart as he thinks he is). It looks like Hollywood has settled on the go to guy for the African American funny dude but the fact is like Ghost Pepper Sauce a little goes a long way. His one and only character is in serious danger of wearing out its welcome. If, on the off chance you are reading this post Kevin you need to branch out before you get totally type cast. Do a drama. On the other hand this film made a boatload of money so maybe I should just shut up on my career advice.
So this movie managed to bury the needles on both the cliche-o-meter and the crap-o-meter (lots of scatological jokes in this review. Given what I just saw last night I think this is a good example of life imitating art). It was like the producers of the film read every review I have ever written and used a sophisticated computer algorithm to calculate exactly what grinds my gears the most in a bad film and then included every single one of them like a top 10 tribute. Since I have no life let’s go ahead and list most of them, shall we?
