Ride Along Review
I’m kind of embarrassed to say I found myself laughing at parts.
The cop buddy film is a genre so prevalent that most of the studios in Hollywood must be using them as insulating material. It honestly dates back to the Lone Ranger and Tonto and hasn’t change much since then. Some films get more comical, some more serious, and some might involve a dog or other non human mammal (or alien. Anyone else remember Alien Nation, I Come in Peace, or the Hidden?). It is a formula that appeals to the gestalt Western consciousness and is a very safe foundation upon which to build your house.
The point is Ride Along has jumped on that long and slow moving freight train pioneered by officers Ridzik & Danko, Costanzo & Hughes, Sykes & Francisco, Crokett & Tubbs, Tango & Cash, Starsky & Hutchinson, Tuner & Hooch, Doyle & Russo, J & K, Burnett & Lowrey, Riggs & Murtaugh, and Bomowski & Bomowski and really didn’t ever get off. While on the train it picked up every scene, cliche, joke, and action sequence it could stuff down it’s pants to make it’s own Frankenstein cop movie and animated it by hooking up the star power of Ice Cube and Kevin Hart and flipping the switch. (By the way, as a true test of your pop culture mojo see how many of those partners I just listed you can name the movie or show they are from. It’s a fun challenge. Crockett & Tubbs image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category).
That’s not to say it’s bad. The formulas used and borrowed are all good ones and if you haven’t seen a cop buddy film in a while you will probably enjoy it. Also if you gain a sense of smug satisfaction from predicting exactly how the story is going to progress you might just reach know-it-all Nirvana while watching this movie. Within five minutes of the film starting I knew exactly how it was going to play out even to the point of knowing who was going to be injured. You will find more surprise in using the same blue pen you write with every day and discovering that today it is writing with blue ink.
In checking the filmographies of the stars of this film (yes I do research. I don’t just roll my face back and forth across my keyboard while drinking methylated spirits) I was surprised to discover Ice Cube is something of a stealth actor. What do I mean by that? I mean he is an actor who seems to have his role type cast as the bad ass cop or rap star but when you look at what he has done you rediscover that he has actually done a number of really good or out of the box movies. When I think of him Boyz in the Hood is not the first film that pops into mind but is exceptional. Anaconda was a horrible movie but is so bad it’s good, and Ghosts of Mars actually got me laid back in 2001 (as it turns out that is about the only time for this century. I am eagerly anticipating New Years Day 2100) so I have some warm feelings about him as an actor. Nothing caught me off guard with regards to Kevin Hart’s career. I think he is really funny but doesn’t seem ready to do a serious drama yet.
The story. Ben Barber (Kevin Hart-This is the End, the Five Year Engagement, Think Like a Man) works as a security guard at a high school and plays FPS video games incessantly. In spite of all that he has a stunningly hot fiance Angela (Tika Sumpter-Salt, What’s Your Number, The Have’s and the Have Nots). She wants to get her cop brother James (Ice Cube-Boyz in the Hood, 21 Jump Street, Friday) to approve of him but James has (accurately, IMO) determined that Ben is a worthless layabout completely lacking in machismo.
Ben gets accepted into the police academy and tries to use that as a bond with James. James rejects him again but offers to take him on a ride along where they can both rip off lines from Training Day. Meanwhile James is trying to track down local crime kingpin Omar (Lawrence Fishburne-Cherry 2000 (I know. Not the movie he would want to be credited for, but I think it’s awesome), the Matrix, Apocalypse Now). They go out together and comedy hijinx ensues.
Honestly that’s it. By that point I had pretty much written out the whole script in my head. James tries to inject Ben into really annoying but non lethal situations. Ben finds some critical clues with regards to Omar. James gets set up by his friends (John Leguizamo-Kick Ass 2, Ice Age, One for the Money)(Bryan Callen-Warrior, the Hangover, 10 Rules for Sleeping Around) and Ben saves him in the dopiest way possible. Like I said, if you know the answer to the question “Knock knock” is “Who’s there?” this film will hold no unexpected shocks for you.
The stars.
While playing his traditional role as a serious bad ass Ice Cube was not really stretching his acting ability I enjoyed his character and liked him on the screen. One star. Kevin Hart is honestly funny too, although his antics occasionally shifted from funny to uncomfortable. One star. Tika Sumpter is drop dead gorgeous and spent a lot of the film lounging around in t-shirt and underwear (easily the sexiest look for a girl around home, in case any of you ladies are wondering what the secret is to attracting an elite dude such as myself). One star. There were some actual funny moments. One star. Kind of fun in a very formulaic sort of way. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes.
The story was basically a retread of about 1,000 other buddy cop films. The director avoided even the scent of a risk like it was a skunk smoothie left in the sun for a couple days. One black hole. For me this would have been about 10 times better rated R rather than PG-13. When you see Ice Cube get pissed off you expect some cursing. Seeing him restrain his language is as unnatural and out of place as seeing an elephant trying to ride a skateboard. Also if you are going to film a PG-13 movie don’t insult my libido by having a scene in a strip club but have all the girls fully clothed. That is figuratively trying to have your cake and eating it too (I’ve been literally trying to avoid misuse of the word literally). One black hole. If you happen to not be the type to get turned on by your own precognition the predictability will grind like a fine grit sandpaper bikini. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of two stars. Meh-worthy I guess. If you are an Ice Cube or Kevin Hart fan you will not be disappointed, but honestly if you are not there is nothing in here to positively contribute towards the enjoyment of your life. This film pretty much screams Tuesday night Red Box, so wait until you can see it in the comfort of your home or trailer park rec center. Date movie? Sure, why not? There is a love story here sort of and it is funny. None of the violence is over the top (or really interesting) and seeing a guy save the day thanks to the thousands of hours he has played video games may bode well for any argument you have with your girlfriend regarding the direction you have chosen for your life. Bathroom break? Any scene you miss you will have probably already watched on the screen of your imagination, but the scene that stands out as most missable is when James and Ben get to the hospital. Contribution to the plot: 0.00.
Thanks for reading. Lot’s more to see in order to survive the bleak movie season known as January. Not a lot of Oscar nominations surface in this month. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (Do it now!). Post comments here on this film or my review (telling me what a sexy genius I am is also welcome) right here and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 66 Wink of an Eye
Note-I screwed up the ordering and originally wrote this and called it Episode 68. Now I need to flagellate myself for sins against Star Trek.
This is one I only saw a couple times as a kid and never really absorbed much. I just went over the plot again and am trying to come up with something interesting to make a comment on but am coming up dry. I will say the timing of the episode (haw!) always struck me as a little bit odd. Given when Spock and McCoy find the Scalosian water in Kirks coffee until the time they find an antidote shouldn’t a couple months have passed for Kirk? Seems off to me.
This is a rare episode where I did not find the Kirk girl to be the woman of my dreams. Deela, Queen of the Scalosians didn’t really have it in the face to turn me on. I’m partial to brunettes and those pale water blue eyes always kind of leave me cold. However I will give them an A for the costume she was wearing. In the years since I have been inundated by images of naked women but at age 8 that one completely bare leg and midriff was an eye opening experience.
I suppose the reason this episode never struck home was even as a kid I thought the Scalosians plan was pretty stupid. You want to accelerate yourself so that you live and die in the time it takes a normal speed human to have dinner? What’s the point of that? It seems they could have dedicated more time and effort to some other trick. If you are super fast how do you grow food? Do plants grow at super speed too? See what I mean? 
Also what was up with that cellular damage being fatal? Don’t you damage yourself every time you take a step on some level? How long do you have until the slightest scratch doesn’t kill you? Definitely a season 3 worthy episode. The I’m Fine shirt I found in our Zombie T Shirt collection BTW.
Dave
I, Frankenstein in 3D Review
Ay yi yi.
January is a fascinating month when it comes to movie releases. This is when all the films that were not really good enough to go head to head with the Xmas releases timidly stick their heads out of their hole in an attempt to sneak a little bit of leftover scraps still on the table only to get caught and eviscerated by the household cat (that would be me in this particular case). What is really interesting to me is that there is even enough money in Hollywood for movies they apparently know are going to suck but still managed to green light.
The studios are rarely wrong in the area of timing and that brings up another question: how can the studio be dumb enough to give the production of a stinker like the Legend of Hercules a $70,000,000 budget based on the script equivalent of the crayon drawings of a slightly above average chimpanzee yet turn into the Stephen Hawking of scheduling when it comes time to release their sewage onto the market? It seems like whoever they have deciding that this film just isn’t strong enough to swim in the adult pool should have been consulted a couple months before production started. Oh, well.
Not that I, Frankenstein is horrifically bad. Based on what I have seen so far (this and Hercules) it is literally the best release of 2014. It is a weird study in contrasts. The quality of the movie bounces back and forth like the needle on a Richter Scale during a 7.2 earthquake. The story is Ass from the Planet Ass in the Asstastic Nebula but for some bizarre reason they cast some exceptional actors and the acting is far superior to the actual dialog. The CGI seems pretty awesome at times and then all of a sudden it looks like you are watching the flying monkeys from the original Wizard of Oz. There are some really awesome action scenes and the world they have created is somewhat intriguing, but they literally overexplain every detail to death and then you realize that the werewolves and vampires (I’m sorry, gargoyles and demons) have been dredged up from the deepest literary pit and have no relationship to anything that makes sense. The plot moves in fits and starts but at least it moves, only to have every smidgen of good will you have garnered ruined in the last two minutes by one of the dopiest hero monologs since the ending of Cave Dwellers. I am a fan of Aaron Eckhart but he would have to absorb the acting talent of every actor in the history of the universe to make his oath to defend humanity against demons sound anything other than laughably annoying.
I would like to bring up another issue that got on my jock in this film. It would be fair to say that if I had a flatter head, some scars, and bolts coming out of my neck I would not need much more to look like the classic Frankenstein (Franky image courtesy of the Horror Movie t shirt category). Where do they get off casting a guy with the body of Adonis and a face that women seem to drool over? Sorry but when they keep calling a guy who looks like an ex Calvin Klein model a “monster” just because he has some scars it is an insult to those of us with average (or challenging) looks. Also, realistically what function is served by this? Do they really think they are going to pull in women to their Frankenstein action movie with him? I see this film as a real failing in forward planning. The main guy is too old to bring in the teeny bopper Twilight fans, too good looking to be believable to the guys who like action films, and the film is too action oriented to appeal to the women who might like to see Aaron Eckhart shirtless. Fail deluxe.
The story. Adam (Aaron Eckhart-Thank You for Smoking, Battle Los Angeles, Olympus has Fallen) starts off telling the story of his creation by Dr. Frankenstein and how he murdered Mrs. Frankenstein and let his creator freeze to death. While burying the good doctor he is attacked by demons who talk about bringing him back alive to Prince Naberius. Suddenly the demons are attacked by three living gargoyles; Gideon (Jai Courtney-A Good Day to Die Hard, Jack Reacher, Spartacus), Ophir (Mahesh Jadu-Taj, the Three Stages of Sasha, Singularity), and Keziah (Caitlin Stasey-All Cheerleaders Die, Evidence, Please Like Me). They pick up Adam and haul him in front of their queen Leonore (Miranda Otto-The Lord of the Rings, What Lies Beneath, War of the Worlds).
They turn out to be the Earthly manifestation of something that may or may not be angels sent to Earth to fight against demons. The demons want Adam for something and Gideon wants to kill him to keep them from him, but Leonore (after explaining every detail of the whole gargoyle/demon thing) opts to let him go after giving him some magic weapons. Adam wants nothing to do with their war but decides to dedicate his life to hunting down and killing demons (how is that from joining the gargoyles in their war exactly?) for some ill defined reason.
Flash forward 200 years and Adam is still running around the world looking for demons to kill. Meanwhile Naberius (Bill Nighy-Hott Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead, About Time) is a very rich something and is experimenting with reanimating the dead. To do this he hires the hottest scientist ever Terra (Killer Elite, Chuck (yes, the blond), The Canyon) who for some reason doesn’t have alarm bells go off when a very evil looking and sounding dude tells her he wants to be able to reanimate corpses for humanitarian reasons.
(As another aside, sorry but this girl does not pull off the nerdy scientist very well. I know, I’m a big sexist jerk but honestly she looks and acts like the evil demons head of Marketing, not R&D. I’ll buy a woman scientist in a heartbeat but when they clearly look like the just got dressed from their Maxim photo shoot I can feel my suspension of disbelief gasping for oxygen.)
So Adam shows up in the City of Location Unknown (seriously, what city was this? It all started over 200 years ago and seemed to be somewhere in Europe but the few humans had British accents and the cop looked like a NYPD officer), where no one ever notices things like giant flying gargoyles and thousands of demons attacking a local Gothic building of unknown provenance and bursting into flame when the gargoyles attack them with medieval weapons. They pick him up and chain him to a chair for no apparent reason. The demons attack, and force Dr. Frankensteins notebook out of them in exchange for Leonore.
Honestly this plot is pretty predictable. Naberius wants to use either Adam or the notebook to build thousands more Frankensteins. Apparently if you are reanimated you have no soul and a demon can possess you. There are a lot of cool fight scenes and the movie ends with the stupidest monolog ever.
The stars.
I can’t say the acting is exceptionally good but it far exceeded the boundaries set by the story and dialog. I think it’s just that they hired a bunch of really good actors. None of them did what I would consider a stellar performance when compared to any of their other work but overall the acting was actually kind of pleasant. One star. Most of the action scenes were pretty good, with some excellent transition from flying to ground combat. Looks like the fight choreographer really thought about what combat with flying statues would look like. One star. At the moments when the hamsters running the CGI wheel were well fed the CGI was really good. One star. While extremely derivative of Underworld (as in the clump of hair I just pulled out in frustration at another movie with a $65 million budget spending $114 and a case of Old English on the writing is derivative of my scalp) the world created was at least an interesting concept. One star. Bill Nighy was his usual awesome self. He plays possible the best villain out there. One star. The blond was at least easy on the eyes, although you see more of Aaron Eckharts body than hers. One star. At the end I didn’t feel like it was a total waste of 93 minutes of my life. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
The story was kind of dopey without any reason for the audience to connect to it. Who are these gargoyles and why should we care exactly? What is Adams motivation to do anything at all? This film also fell into the scope trap I talk about a lot. Destruction of the human race? Do they really think that I am going to believe that is how the film will end? If I can’t believe that the film producers would ever let the bad guys plan come to fruition how can I care about anything the good guys do? One black hole. If you are going to do a movie about the Frankenstein monster and call him a monster the whole time can you not at least make him look a little monstrous and not like an extra from a Gold’s Gym advert? One black hole. When the hamsters powering the CGI wheel ran out of food they died and stank up the screen with their bloated corpses, giving us creature movement that would have embarrassed the original Clash of the Titans. One black hole. The film sat right on the fence about being about the character of the Frankenstein monster, this hypothetical war between demons and gargoyles (can we just call them angels? For God’s sake commit to something and take a chance. Otherwise call them gargoyles and orcs, or insectoids, or Flying Spaghetti Monsters. It’s about the same), and just a dopey action film. One black hole. The PG-13 rating was a serious anchor on this film , with both demons and gargoyles dying in kid friendly evapo-explosions (kids should never see corpses or blood. That might damage their fragile little brains), only one female showing no skin below her knee, and all the other wet blanket aspects that a movie that should be going for an R rating but opts to try to make more money brings to the screen. One black hole. The whole plot is predictable and very by the numbers. It kind of just plods along like a horse pulling a plow and has about the same level of surprise and suspense. One black hole. Way too much dialog for an action movie. I normally applaud having things laid out but at a couple points I wanted to yell STFU to the screen. One black hole. While I suppose most of you could assume this will be my feeling in any 3D film but the 3D added nothing to the movie except an extra $3 for the ticket. One black hole. And finally the really insanely bad monolog at the end where Adam Frankenstein swears an oath to no one to defend humanity against the demons while posing on a church roof really made me want to burst my own eardrums with a knitting needle. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So two black holes, which puts it on the down side of mediocre. Better than the last film I did, making it my current contender for best film of 2014. I honestly don’t think it will hold that slot past this weekend. Worth seeing? I suppose if there literally isn’t anything else you want to see. There are good parts that you will enjoy but honestly other than occupying two hours of your life will add nothing else. Odds are you will have forgotten this film two weeks later. Date movie? Not really. The only thing that would appeal to your date would be Aaron Eckharts washboard abs and I don’t think you want to put yourself in that contest. Bathroom break? There is a scene where the hot blond is stitching up Adams shoulder that is 100% worthless filler. Go nuts.
Thanks for reading as always. Lots more to see this weekend. I need to get caught up and expect to have more funny reviews soon. Follow me on Twitter if you can @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this review or movie feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions email them to me at [email protected]. Thanks and have a great day.
Dave
The 15 Worst Films of 2013
I hope you brought eye protection because there will be a lot of bile flying around on this one.
I know I was only supposed to do the worst 10 to match my best 10 from last post but honestly the field was so thick with candidates I didn’t think I could limit myself. Remember writing these posts is more for my benefit than anyone else and after most of last year I have a lot of pent up movie frustration to expunge in a literary orgy of tortured metaphors, run on sentences, and analogies to horrible sexual, scatological, and blasphemous images.
Once again I can only list the films I saw. I’m sure there are plenty out there that make these films look cinematographic masterpieces rather than the pond scum that they are but I don’t have the time or inclination to seek them out. I will also say that while most of these movies truly do suck they serve some function if only to give us perspective. Without these 15 films to set the bar low enough to trip a wiener dog the worst film last year would have been Parker or Stand Up Guys. The scripts of those films should have been used as radiation shielding at Fukushima but it did have a few watch-worthy moments and if you were passed out in front of your TV the subliminal suckage your subconscious mind absorbed would not have been TOO damaging. There’s always a low man on the totem pole and if you can’t identify him it’s probably you.
15. G.I. Joe Retaliation. Imagine if you will a reproductive artist creates the ultimate sculpture of a giant pile of poo. It is flawless in every detail, with just the right proportion of corn to excrement and moisture glistening in the carefully positioned lighting in way guaranteed to bring a tear to the eye of any coprophile. Literally a polished turd so perfect and flawless you can almost smell it. Well, that is pretty much what G.I. Joe Retaliation was; a perfect, flawless representation of the sewage outflow of Hollywood action movies. Well executed, but at the end of the day it’s still based on s&$&.
14. Jack the Giant Slayer. Some films take classic literature and tell a cool story with neat twists that makes you appreciate the classic tale with a warm satisfied sense of childhood nostalgia. Others take the stories and molest them in ways no amount of therapy or drinking will ever blot from your memory. This is definitely the latter type. I have a problem with great literature being beaten into a shape that appeals to the brain softening “creative” people of certain companies who’s name may or man not rhyme with “fisney”. This movie would worth your time if you feel the need to see Ian McShane in his douchiest role ever (until they cast him as Douchy McDouchalot, the lead singer of the Douchetones). Normally a crappy period piece at least has some redemption available in the costumes but outfits in this film would embarrass a troupe of transvestite circus clowns.
13. 21 & Over. This one ended up at 13 but to be honest it could have ended anywhere. I know I watched it. I know I wrote 1,343 words about the experience. I think there was an Asian guy and two naked white guys in it. However, except for those details I can’t for the life of me recall this film. I had to read my own review in detail in order to even consider it. Now, I wouldn’t call myself an expert on film theory or legitimate film criticism but it seems to me a movie that is so forgettable that I can’t remember a single scene from it six months later just might be a bad one. I’m just saying. Anyway, it’s foggy nature puts it in the relatively harmless position of number 13, but if I were actually able to recall it odds are it would have ended up lower.
12. Spring Breakers. I’m now at the point that I reach every year while writing this where I want to make every film left the number one worst movie. The funny thing is I don’t have such a hard time with the best films. I will give this film some credit for at least attempting something out of the box and having some white trash nudity, but realistically this film was a laughable joke that wasn’t actually funny. However if you are into scenes being repeated ad nauseam and chicks in bikinis dancing in slow motion while some frat boy squirts water all over them then this or the latest Girls Gone Wild is the film for you.
11. A Good Day to Die Hard. This film may very well show up again when it comes time to hand out the special awards (cough cough Franchise Killer of the Year cough cough). Hollywood in many ways is resembling a vampire stuck forever in an old mausoleum, breaking open caskets to suck on the dry bones of past films in the desperate attempt to find the slightest hint of moisture and blood remaining. John McClane was a staple of my youth. This film is a staple in my taco. This is why if you are going to do a sequel to a classic it is worth talking to the director of the classic if only so he can tell you what you are doing to the series it tantamount to a body cavity search. Or at least watch the original.
10. After Earth. Sci fi movies should never be done by people who aren’t actually sci fi fans. I mean, you wouldn’t go see your lawyer to have your gall bladder removed, would you? Similarly you wouldn’t go to a science fiction movie to unwittingly learn about a religion popular among celebrities invented by a writer if some mediocre sci fi novels that involves the spirits of dead aliens would you? I see this movie as evidence that Will Smith grossly overestimates his and his families star power. The thought process seems to be “Sure, we can write a boring script filled with plot holes, bad science, weird ideology, and have it star my box office unproven son while I yell at him over a radio and it will be successful because I AM A CINEMA GOD!” Well I guess you are not. Also this film has pretty put the final nail in the coffin of my admiration of M. Night Shyamalan (which started dying as the final credits for Unbreakable began to roll).
9. Machete Kills. This film was supposed to be a spoof on bad film making but it seems to have forgotten the spoof part. The first Machete was a fun spoof. This is just all the pain of a bad film with none of the humor. I mean, all the potential good of this very concept had already been milked dry in the first one, leaving us with the corpse to watch decay for two hours. Also someone grab Robert Rodriguez and tell him a crappy joke doesn’t get funnier when you redo it 4-5 times.
8. R.I.P.D. Now I’m at the point where I have to decide which movies would literally cause me less pain to watch a second time and of the eight remaining films on my list this one is only a modest beating. Honestly this film is more boring than painful (although it is also painful) so I guess if I needed a massive dose of Ambien and couldn’t find a street dealer it would work in a pinch. Also if the last thing on your bucket list is to see Rooster Cogburn join the Ghostbusters this would let you die in peace. However it is in all ways awful and deserves to be buried in a shallow grave outside of Kettleman City California.
7. The Counselor. Can’t I just take this and the next six films and call them all the worst films of 2013? Ridley Scott, what happened to you? Honestly this film sounds like the opening scene to a Ridley Scott remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers wherein an acclaimed director comes out with a dull, convoluted, and pointless film much to the confoundment of his fans and a humble reviewer of a very minor blog is compelled to investigate, discovering the current Ridley Scott to have been grown in a pod in his garden and the real Ridley Scott is now Soylent Green. I wasn’t looking for another Aliens necessarily but at the same time I didn’t expect to see the Heaven’s Gate of the 21st century.
6. Hansel & Gretal. This and the next five films collectively could be considered a crime against humanity if shown back to back so the actual order is really kind of irrelevant. The reasons this film is number 6 rather than 3 or 2 is because there was one really, really excellent nude scene and because while the movie sucked like 10,000 Romora eels at least I liked the concept. Kind of a Brothers Grimm version of Vampire$ (the book not the movie. Thinking of the Vampire$ movie just made me throw up a little in my mouth. Thanks a lot, Hansel & Gretel). Also I find it amusing that Jeremy Renner is now a big star but had this stinker back in his closet and the studio opted to capitalize on his recent fame by embarrassing the crap out of him. BTW in answer to the question that I know is burning through her mind yes Gemma Arterton I will marry you in spite of your participation in subjecting me to this monstrosity. In fact it seems the least you can do.
5. A Big Wedding. A big failure, really. We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel (and yet, I still have four movies to talk about). This has everything I hate about assemblage story telling along with all of the assorted stories being ass too. This film is like cutting up 14 of the worst episodes of Threes Company and randomly sewing them together like the Movie Centipede. The reasons why it is number 5 and not number 1 is first off like Hansuck & Regretal it had the most pleasantly surprising nude scene ever (it was like being force to grind up broken glass by chewing on it only to find one of glass fragments you just destroyed your mouth with was actually a decent diamond) and for the fact that this is the only film in my top 5 that did not sully the world of nerd interests. It was not sci fi, supernatural, or interesting.
4. Getaway. I guess pointless, convoluted, plot hole infested stories is a thing for me as 3 of my 15 could accurately be described as such. This one takes it to a new level. I’m not sure what brain parasite ate into Ethan Hawke in order to make him think this script was worth doing but he should get a brain flush immediately (also known as firing his agent). Also, I guess every year I need to have one star end up twice on this list. Last year it was Ryan Reynolds (who only appears once here, a 50% improvement! Well done Ryan) and this year it is Selena Gomez. I honestly don’t hate her as an actor but she is drawn to bad films like a baby seal to the business end of a club and in this one she felt as natural and unforced as Tom Servo, Crow, and Joel do in any episode of MST3K (with the exception that I would have been very glad to see the Satellite of Love crew in this bomb). Also if you are going to force in some eye candy can you have her wear something other than a hoodie?
3. Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters. Ha ha ha. There are days when I really love doing this, and when handed teenie bopper tripe like this and the next two films (you might see a pattern in my bottom three films) I start to salivate like Jason Voorhees stumbling across a college cheerleader camp (Friday the 13th image from the Horror Movie T Shirt category BTW). It is saying a lot when I tell you that this movie was actually worse than Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. I think Hollywood is perplexed as to why all their attempts to ignite a new vampire-ish teenage franchise keeps falling on it’s face like a drunk with a broken beer bottle stuck in the back of it’s head but I think I have an answer. This stems from my experience in the skateboard market. You see until the last cycle skateboarding tended to follow a 7 year cycle where a bunch of kids would get into it for a time making it the biggest thing out there only to have most of them realize that skateboarding is hard, dangerous, and hurts (the last cycle was extended by one thing: Tony Hawk Pro Skater. It’s way easier to dress like a skateboarder and play a video game about it than actually get on a board). It troughs out until the next group of testosterone rediscovers it. I think all the morons who fell for Twilight have had their fill and all the younger kids who would be those morons are so turned off by the first group that they refuse to get into it. I’d say Hollywoods best bet would be to let the sparkly vampire genre lie fallow for another 6-7 years and try again. Meanwhile let the Hunger Games have it’s day. Really, though, there can be only one.
2. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones. See everything I just said about Percy Jackson and then multiply that times some of the most odious characters since Divine from Pink Flamingos. While Percy Jackson gets a bit of applause for the effort behind it, this film I would happily see get run over by a combine. Also, with a $60 million budget you would think they could do fake tattoos that didn’t look like a high school kid doodling on his arm with a Marks-a-lot. The entire cast should be wedgied daily, with the blond main kid getting a covered wagon. In my review I gave a list of reasons why this film sucks that resembles the invite list of the worlds biggest wedding. I know most of Hollywood is either completely brain damaged or thinks we the audience are but is a decent story and some direction so hard to accomplish? It’s not like there aren’t examples of what a good movie should be. Next time rent a couple of Scorsese films and when it comes time to make your film do what he does.
1. The Host. You don’t have to be Nostradamus to have predicted that this film would be my number one. It’s the perfect storm as far as I’m concerned: a story style I hate written by an author I have contempt for for an audience I despise in a genre I love. For me she is like Cruella Deville except instead of making her fur coat out of her own Dalmatians she came to my house, skinned my puppy alive in front of me, and sewed it into her jacket still bleeding. Fortunately I was able to let the air out of her movie by illustrating in graphic detail exactly how much it sucked. If this film were placed in a time capsule and opened in 5,000 years by Doctor Who he would probably come back here and give the Daleks a detailed map of how to get to Earth. Awful in every regard unless you are really turned on by cute but bland chicks (where else have we seen that formula used…?).
So that’s my list. Do I feel better now that I have dumped on these cinema surgical remnants? Yes. Yes I do. Have I made the world a better place because of all the reviews I did last year? Well, since I’m sure no one in Hollywood would ever deign to read my blog or ever take any of my criticism to heart in one sense no, not at all. On the other hand if even one of you, my beloved readers, opted to see a great film or avoid an eye raping thanks to what I have written over this last year then yes I believe I have. So my special awards are still to come up and I have a big backlog of new movies to see (I was in LA this last weekend and didn’t get to see anything) so look for more reviews coming up soon. If you have any comments on this list or these movies feel free to post them here and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. Thanks and have a great week.
Dave
The 10 Best Films of 2013
A tribute to another year dedicated to the self aggrandizement of my own opinion.
So another 365 days filled with mostly mediocre cinema pap and the occasional true gem or turd. Last year I reviewed 93 films, which is weird as it didn’t seem like that many. However as I was going over my list I was struck by how many of them quickly faded into the the background noise of my mind. Only the real good or sucktastic films stand out; the middle hump of the curve blends together into a bland porridge of competent yet boring or incompetent yet interesting story decisions, poor rating choices, or regurgitation of other, better films. I was surprised at how many films I had to read my own story recap to remember what it was about.
My average score was 1.77 stars, which means anything between a -3 (three black holes) or 5 stars I consider to be in the mediocre range. A few years ago I took a statistics class (don’t ask me why) and for a few minutes I thought about finding my textbooks and calculating a standard deviation but then I remembered I really didn’t get into this to do math (and also I’m pretty lazy) so I will forgo the detailed statistical analysis.
My final ranking is not a direct result of the actual scores. Those numbers are a handy guide, but often times the warm afterglow of a good film or the smoldering canker of a bad one can strongly influence my scoring and it only through the filter of months of reflection, a certain amount of therapy, and the periodic alcohol induced discognitive seizure can I fairly make these assessments. I plan to do 3 and possibly 4 posts on this: this one will be top 10, next post will be bottom 10, and the next 1 or 2 will be “special” awards (my own homemade Oscars, although I don’t have a cool trophy, award name, awards ceremony with hundreds of movie stars, millions in advertizing revenue, or set awards categories. Other than that it’s exactly the same).
Oh, and I suppose this would normally go without saying but I can only list the movies that I actually watched and wrote reviews for. Odds are extremely likely I should have seen 12 Years a Slave or Grudge Match, but in spite of any reports you may have heard about my recent deification I really cannot see every movie out there and have to make movie decisions based on my time, money, interest, and what I believe you, my beloved readers, are interested in. Please don’t waste my time with comments about how dare I not include Inside Llewyn Davis on my list.
I’m also linking all these reviews so if you are really, really bored (or bed ridden) feel free to read and enjoy!
10. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. 12 stars, 4 black holes. If you had told me a few years ago that a film designed to appeal to moronic teenage girls a la Twilight would make my top 10 for the years I probably would have gouged out both my eyes to avoid seeing it. However, when I think back to movies I saw this is one of the few films that actually got my pulse moving. It was, for lack of a better term, exciting and as such managed to edge out Kick Ass 2, Iron Man 3, and Man of Steel. Those movies were fun but they all failed to have me connect or care about the main characters like Hunger Games did. Plus I have a soft spot for sequels that manage to not have numbers in them and films where young people kill each other.
9. Pacific Rim. 12 stars, 5 black holes. This one and number 8 are going to be proof that I am not a typical reviewer. This film made my list not because it was a great story, had good acting, was a cinematographic masterpiece, or had a point but rather because it was just plain awesome. I mean, sure the dialog and acting will have you wishing for the sweet kiss of a trepanners drill bit but all you have to remember is that every few minutes you will be seeing GIANT ROBOTS FIGHTING GODZILLA MONSTERS! I mean come on! How can that not rock? Also if you are the type who gets some kind of pathetic ego boost by predicting with 100% accuracy exactly how a story is going to progress this film is true low hanging fruit (plus we could probably be friends).
8. Riddick. 9 stars, 2 black holes. OK, this is my last indulgence on this list but the fact is somehow I have become a Riddick fan boy and cannot let it go by. Muscled, taciturn, gruff, bald, with cool sunglasses? What’s not to love? In a completely straight, bromance sort of way of course. I also have a deep appreciation of a sci fi film that is actually about sci fi rather than using it to sell some political, religious, or ideological agenda which as a sci fi nerd is the equivalent of being touched inappropriately in my bathing suit area. This film also featured Katee Sackhoff topless but if that is not enough to convince you of its awesomeness I have two words that will: flying motorcycles.
7. Rush. 10 Stars, 3 black holes. Time to get serious I guess. I really appreciated Ron Howard on this film. A good director tells a story, a great director inserts you into his characters lives. This film definitely did the latter. What was great was I thought going in the movie was going to be about James Hunt and his life but in truth it was more about Nikki Lauda. Both characters were engaging but by the end of it I felt myself more invested in Nikki. Serious, scientific intellectual who survives a horrific crash and gives up on something for love trumps party frat boy IMO.
6. The World’s End. 12 stars, 2 black holes. I am a Simon Pegg fan and enjoyed this film a great deal. One thing I love about his films is they often times start off as one story but by the end are a completely different one. I would say this one is not as good as Hott Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead but is better than Paul. Incidentally if you like Simon Pegg Netflicks a BBC show called Spaced. It’s pretty amazing.
5. Blue Jasmine. 9 stars, 4 black holes. This is a perfect example of how I don’t let the numbers dictate my placement. This film was brilliant and Kate Blanchett was amazing. On the other hand, this film is a complete bummer. You don’t leave the theater feeling inspired or uplifted. You leave the theater looking for a bed to lie in for a few days. I also was bugged by the fact that the story supposedly took place in San Francisco yet all the characters are completely New York or New Jersey stereotypes. This is why this film will not get my best film of the year. Also to be perfectly honest I find a lot of Woody Allen’s personal life to be extremely troubling and have a hard time enjoying the success of scumbags.
4. American Hustle. 11 stars, 4 black holes. I had to overcome my own personal dislike of the 70’s aesthetic in this film. However, I cannot deny it’s excellent execution and the acting that each of the performers brought to the screen. In truth I have been having a hard time ordering my top four. Any one of them seem great at a given time. However, in order to get the placement I asked myself “If I were stuck on a plane and had time to watch 3 of these 4 movies which is the one that I would be most willing to skip?” At that point it seemed pretty obvious to me.
3. Gravity. I have a lot of friends who were ambivalent about this movie but most of the haters seemed to have an axe to grind with either Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, or both. I was riveted to my seat and loved every second of it (especially the Sandra Bullock underwear scenes). I just suspect these two have a really good eye for scripts and know how to pick winners. I also like that they didn’t overwrite the script.
2. Her. 14 stars, 3 black holes. Like a Strippergram waiting in the bushes for me to come home after a long, hard day this movie caught me off guard and was an extremely pleasant surprise. Great character development, awesome visuals, and an intriguing story with high societal relevance. It was a sci fi character study as good as any other and you really feel tremendous sympathy for both the main character and his AI. My only warning is if you happen to see it as a bitter single bachelor this film can hit you kind of hard. Not that I would know anything about that.
1. The Wolf of Wall Street. 13 stars, 3 black holes. No big surprise here. I know I had some issues with this story, it’s length, and the morality of pretty much every character in it but when I think of 2013 and which movie I would like to see a second time this is the one that pops into mind. Leonardo Di Caprio holds your attention like your eyeballs are superglued to the screen, the story flows in it’s development, and there is a ton of gratuitous nudity. Martin Scorsese knows what he is doing and wrings a powerful performance out of even the most minor character. (the saxophone werewolf image I found in the vintage t shirt collection. I couldn’t find any stock broker t shirts)
So that’s my list. I will say thank God for the last month of movies. Three of my top four I have seen in the last few weeks. Before that 2013 was looking like the Fukushima of cinema years. Also, just to keep this list in perspective as compared to any of the thousands of more “legitimate” reviewers 6 of my 10 are science fiction films, so take that for what you will. If you are truly a nerd than I think that will enhance my reviewing credibility.
Thanks for reading. Please follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this list are invited and can be left right here. Off topic suggestions or questions can be emailed to [email protected]. Next post will be my 10 Worst of 2013 and to be honest I think I could probably do the 20 worst. It was a banner year for crap films.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 69 Whom Gods Destroy
I’m working on my 2013 review but wanted to throw another one of these out there. I enjoy doing them, they are quick, and above all greatly enhance my nerd credibility.
So Whom Gods Destroy. I have to say I like this film. Insanity is a great plot device and it was refreshing to see someone get tortured other than poor Chekov. 
I have often wondered if Roddenberry was trying to make some point about how we treat the criminally insane or just using the insane asylum as a platform for a cool story ala Arkham (image courtesy of the Batman t shirt collection). If there was a message to be had it wasn’t terribly strong (or at least did not resonate over time). Of course since we now more or less have turned out all our crazy people as the homeless it has even less relevance.
I do have one issue with this episode. When Garth is impersonating Kirk and orders Scott to beam him up Scotty demands a countersign. At that point we had seen Kirk beam up about 100,000 times and never once was there any kind of countersign protocol. Did he and Scott make it up just in case this one time a shapeshifter had replaced Kirk in an attempt to take over the Enterprise? Granted since that was the plot of about 15% of all the episodes it would not have been a bad idea, but just pulling it out of nowhere was kind of lame surprise. However even as a fan of this series I admit TOS was never going to get any awards for strict continuity.
The title comes from a quote by Euripides, the ancient Greek equivalent of Ayn Rand: “Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad”. It was also the only episode banned by the BBC in the UK for having “sadistic plot elements”. Hey, high tech torture is cool. Haven’t you ever listened to J-Pop?
Dave
The Legend of Hercules Review
You too will want to herc while watching this legendary bomb.
The Legend of Hercules is a singular event in that I can’t recall a film that sucks so evenly in all aspects. Normally a movie sucks in one or more categories such as story, filming, special effects, acting, sound track, action, dialog, casting, or editing but inevitably you find one aspect that it at least didn’t suck as much as the rest of it. Even the worst Nicolas Cage movie still has Nicolas Cage in it to entertain you in the same way slowing down on a freeway to look at a car wreck is entertaining. It’s rare that I can’t find some slightly more positive thing to mention in a shyte movie (“At least the sound effects were adequate. Kudos to the Foley artists!”) to ameliorate the buzzard-like glee with which I pounce on these roadkill scripts.
Not so with this film. The whole movie is in perfect crap equilibrium like one of those balancing rocks in a Road Runner cartoon. If that were the writers and directors intention I would say this film is Oscar worthy. Unfortunately I’m sure it will turn out to be mere happenstance. The weird part of all this is due to the strange balance this film has struck I really wouldn’t ask them to change a thing. It’s like a perfect Zen moment (of the craptastic movie world).
I sometimes think of myself as a diagnostic doctor (or in this case a coroner) of movies and part of my job is to determine what the exact illness (or cause of death) is. When a film has loaded up the suck scattergun and fired it at the movie screen it’s hard to pinpoint the main cause so it usually falls upon either the director or the writer. The director Renny Harlin actually has a couple decent movies under his belt (The Long Kiss Goodnight, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger) so I can’t land the blame completely in his lap (on the other hand he also did the Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Somehow back in 1990 when I watched that movie I suspected it would come back and bite me on the ass again one day) although he did agree to do this film after reading the script. Looks like most of the blame is going to have to land on the writers. Not a lot of credits here, and it looks like on of them wrote Conan the Barbarian. ‘Nuff said.
Like a drug addict tearing apart your medicine cabinet and popping every Vitamin C and baby aspirin in a frenzied attempt to find a fix Hollywood is desperately searching for the next big franchise. You see creating an original movie requires effort, vision, and above all risk (three things that seem to be verboten in most of the film industry these days) but simply writing a sequel to an established franchise can be done by having your cat walk across your keyboard a few hundred times. 
While watching the opening credits words to the effect of “The Legend Begins” rolled across the screen and I sat back in comfort knowing exactly what I was about to see: a lawn dart fired from another time zone hoping to land in the magical circle of franchise success previously only occupied by Harry Potter, sparkly vampires, and Hobbits (Lord of the Fail image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category).
These franchise abortions give me a certain amount of glee. When contenders like the Host, Mortal Instruments, Percy Jackson, the Last Airbender, the Golden Compass, and John Carter all step in the ring only to trip on their own genitalia and fail miserably I secretly rejoice that you, my beloved movie going readers, have had the sense and sensibility to demand quality film. There is an ugly trend in Hollywood in that they seem to think we are all brain damaged tow truck drivers and all we need to be entertained is hot faces and some bad CGI.
However, the happiness I feel from seeing a franchise launch fail pales to insignificance compared to the joy I experience seeing a big budget film hang itself on its own petard. I knew this movie was going to suck just by seeing any one of a) the trailers, b) the poster, or c) the movie title. This film had a $70,000,000 budget and yet the producers couldn’t be bothered to actually sit down and watch it? Can you not afford to hire a good writer for a day to just review the script and tell you how it’s sewage drinking-ly awful? Did you spend all your money on bad CGI and tanning creme? This is proof positive that you don’t have to be smart to be rich. I can name a few dozen people who could come out some a better film on 1/5th the budget (send the remaining $56 million to me. Thanks).
The story. Have you ever read the actual story of Hercules as created millennia ago by the some of the originators of all Western literature and culture? If so hit yourself on the head with a ball peen hammer until you forget all of that as it has no relevance as far as this script is concerned. King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins-the Bourne Ultimatum, Zero Dark Thirty (really? How did you end up here exactly?), the Expendables 2 (oh)) is a Greek conqueror and all around dick. His wife Alcmene (Roxanne McKee-Hollyoaks, Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines, The Expelled) is pissed off at him and prays to Zues to kill him or something (I guess this was the first historical recording of a domestic dispute). Zues opts to “help” her by getting her pregnant (if there are any other hot women out there who are praying for something and are willing to believe that letting some stranger into your pants will solve it email me immediately).
She gets pregnant and gives birth to Hercules. Flash forward 20 years and Hercules (Kellan Lutz-the Immortals, Twilight. Wow. I hate this guy. I was going to feel bad about dumping on his acting but now I feel no remorse whatsoever) has taken time out from his 12 hours a day in the gym and job as the Fake Bake spokesmodel to fall madly in love with Hebe (Gaia Weiss-Mary Queen of Scots, Bianca come il latte, rossa come il sangue (?), La nuit), a princess from nearby Crete. They are out for a PG-13 safe swim and picnic when Hercules’s brother Iphicles (LIam Garrigan-the Night Watch, Blue Murder, Inn Mates) shows up to rooster-block the deal. Hebe heads back in town while Hercules kills the worst CGI lion in the history of film making (I’m not kidding. A stuffed lion with googly eyes and a roaring sound effect when you squeeze it would have looked more real. $70 million? Really?). Iphicles claims credit even though he didn’t do much more than soil his toga.
Amphitryon announces that Iphicles will marry Hebe. Hercules tries to rescue her but they get caught after running into a river. Amp sends Hercules off to a certain death with guard captain Sotiris (Liam McIntyre-Spartacus, Blod on the Game Dice, Ektopos). They are ambushed by mercenaries and are sold into slavery for a gladiatorial game. Somehow they convince their slave owner to enter them into the biggest fight ever and free them if they win. Hercules managed to kill 5 men and trap 1 woman (PG-13 remember). They go free and start a revolution.
Ugh this recount is giving me thrush. Fight, stab, make dumb speech, get lightning super power up from Zues, fight, stab, live happily ever after. Sorry if I just spoiled the ending for you but there is no way you didn’t see that coming unless you grew up on Bizarro Earth.
The stars.
…Nope. I got nothing.
The black holes.
Where to begin? The story was awful and except for the fact that they used the name Hercules had absolutely nothing to do with the source material. I guess the writers read the Cliff Note version of the Cliff Note version of the Cliff Note version of Hercules. “Hercules was the son of the Greek god Zues who fought with a sword and wore a loin cloth. The end.” Two black holes. The editing was done so that the film jumped from scene to scene with the painful abruptness of a slide show composed of the vacation photos of eight different families, a colonoscopy, and stills from three John Waters films randomly mixed together. Don’t misinterpret this as a request for more of this carcinogenic film but it honestly felt like they cut 3-15 seconds off the beginning and end of each edit cut scene. Given that the film only ran 99 minutes (oh god was it only that long? Sure felt longer) that might actually be the case. Horrible. One black hole. The CGI was in general awful. I’m not kidding when I say the opening battle montage had me thinking I was watching the opening cinematographic for a video game and the lion scene was laughable. I honestly think you couldn’t be this bad without purposely trying to suck. One black hole. The weight of the PG-13 rating smothered all the action and love scenes like one of those lead radiation blankets they give you for x-rays soaked in tar, draped onto your face, and then set on fire. I might have given the film a star for having a couple hot girls but honestly you never see anything of interest and they spent most of the film looking like kidnap victims. One black hole. Before the movie started a good female friend of mine who is into muscle guys told me that lead dude Kellen Lutz just isn’t hot and I spent a lot of time in the theater trying to figure out why. I honestly think it’s because his head is too small for his muscly body although the 12 gallons of spray on tan he must go through a day doesn’t help. One black hole. The action was dopey and used that Matrix slow motion at points to pad it out. One black hole. Acting so artificial it made the fake CGI lion look alive. One black hole. As much as the acting problems could be blamed on the actors the dialog was pretty much fighting that fire with napalm. One black hole. The filming was constantly badly lit and you could hardly tell what the hell was going on (in a way that was almost worthy of a star. Kind of a relief really). One black hole. The 99 minute run time felt like 99 hours. I was in serious danger of falling asleep. One black hole. Overall a movie so bad I felt sorry for the dinosaurs who had to die in order to make up the film it was shot on. Two black holes. Total: thirteen black holes.
Well, the good news is I have an early contender for my 2014 worst movie of the year and by comparison the rest of the movies this year would literally have to throw excrement in my face in order to be considered worse. The bad news is this is a bad omen for the rest of the year. Should you see this film? Let me put it this way: given a choice between certain, horrific death and watching this movie you should at least think about it. Like a manufacturer being fined for spilling toxic chemicals into the local drinking water this studio (Millennium Films) needs to suffer for injecting this toxin into our culture and the only way to do that is to hit their pocket book. Of course, I’m sure they will recoup all their money once this film hits China. Foreign markets are the enablers of bad movie making. However, if watching muscled men wrestle, fight, and ride horses in slow motion turns you on then go for it. I would like to note that on IMDB under the category of Plot Keywords the first one listed is “bare chested male bondage” (let it never be said I don’t do my research). Date movie? If you are hoping to cajole your date into attempting to murder you as some kind of frame up this just might do the trick. Other than that hell no. Bathroom break? If by bathroom break you really mean “Go yell at the theater manager until he refunds your ticket” I’d say about ten minutes in. Moot point since if you listen to me you won’t see this film and if you don’t you deserve to wallow in your own filth.
Thanks for reading. As painful as these crap movies are to watch I enjoy bitching about them so I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be posted here, and off topic questions or suggestion can be emailed to [email protected]. I’m still trying to see Grudge Match and then will finalize my best and worst of 2013. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Her Movie Review
That is, my review of the movie Her, not a movie review by some girl in my life who’s existence may or may not be as real as some others. I’m not making up an imaginary girlfriend and writing movie reviews in her voice as some pathetic attempt at pretending I’m normal and have more sex appeal than medical waste. Trust me, after the third or fourth time you try that you realize it doesn’t actually work as well as you would hope. Plus your other imaginary friends start to worry about you. (the Fosters Home image was the best novelty t shirt image I could come up with for that joke. Sorry I’m not a genius every minute)
So Her, by Spike Jonze, who also directed the great Being John Malkovich. He definitely doesn’t go for the standard fare and this film shows that. Did I like it? Absolutely yes, with a few minor qualms which I will get into in a humorous way shortly. I can honestly say I’ve never liked Joaquin Phoenix more. Not only is it a great story brilliantly told, but Spike went in deep on the minor but very cool elements to indicate we were experiencing a story in the near future.
The thing is good sci fi is rarely about advances in technology so far out of the imagination it might as well be magic. The best sci fi takes what we have today and imagines what it will be like in 50 or 100 years. Bladerunner is probably one of the best examples of that, or maybe Aliens. Furthermore, what makes this film kind of groundbreaking is that it imagines not only what kinds of new technology we will have but also how it will be integrated into our daily lives. The character in this film lives his life like he buys everything from the Apple store and it integrates seamlessly into the movie. Everyone in the film is constantly on their phones, integrating with their web and/or social media services, and having little things enhance their lives. Yet at the same time it doesn’t go overboard. When they characters go to a restaraunt they still have a human server, not some robot. The main character Theodore wants to take a nice day out and goes to the beach just as we would today. In his apartment building they still go up in an elevator rather than some kind of transport tube or teleporter.
Yet each thing has it’s futuristic elements. The beach is insanely crowded, as is the LA skyline. Theodore travels around Los Angeles in an extensive public transit system (a perfect sign that we are not in the LA of today). The elevator control panel is a touch pad like we have in tablets and smart phones today. Just futuristic enough to be cool, but not over the top dumb like on the Jetsons.
So the story is of a lonely loser falling in love with an AI operating system. This is where I have my first personal qualm. You see, the idea of an AI being capable of a relationship is really the only hope I have of ever actually getting a girlfriend. To be perfectly blunt the day they make virtual reality sex as good as the real thing is probably the last day I ever speak to a woman again. Yet in truth I would hope to have a relationship with an actual human capable of procreating, but given the trend of humans becoming more an more insular and engaging with people only through electronic means this seems to be the future for the human race. If trends continue the way they are we will not die out from some war, or robot uprising, or zombie apocalypse but rather because we really lose interest in having sex with each other.
(Incidentally, the comment I just made about not speaking to women again really stems from how freaking difficult you women seem to make it for me. It appears you all revel in seeing me rejected and dejected and when the day comes when men are spending all day every day in the VR sex world you will have only yourselves to blame. Think about that next time you are crying into your Cosmopolitan over the fact that you can’t meet a nice guy. Not that I’m bitter.)
The other thing I really liked about this film is I would be very willing to bet Spike Jones is a fan of Iann Banks, as am I. The evolutionary nature of the AI in the film is extremely reminiscent of how Banks writes his Minds in his Culture series. I’m not going to go off on a Banks tangent but if you are a fan of his like I am you will get a lot from this movie (If you are not yet a fan read Use of Weapons. You will thank me).
Anyway, the story. Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix-Walk the Line, the Master, Signs. For the record back in 2008 Joaquin announced to the world he was going to quit acting to pursue music. As a fan of his acting rather than his singing I am glad he reneged on that commitment but as a fan of people keeping their promises let me say I hope he learned an important lesson about not being a stupid douchebag) is a writer who specializes in “handwritten” letters between people as a service (apparently writing is a lost art in the future) and is considered exceptionally good at it. He is in the middle of a divorce from his ex wife Catherine (Rooney Mara-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Side Effects, the Social Network) and is pretty lonely. He sees an ad for the new OS1, an operating system that advertizes being a true AI and one that personalizes itself to it’s user. He opts to buy one.
He installs it at his apartment and after a very, very brief questionnaire is introduced to his new computer who takes on the name Samantha (Scarlett Johansson-the Prestige, the Avengers, Lost in Translation). They get to know each other rapidly and she takes on concern for him and his recent breakup. She encourages him to go on a date with a hot girl who turns out to be kind of crazy (Olivia Wilde-In Time, Tron Legacy, Rush). Meanwhile his college friend Amy (Amy Adams-the Muppets, American Hustle, Man of Steel) is divorcing her douchy husband Charles (Matt Letscher-Identity, Good Moring Miami, the Mask of Zorro).
While all this is going on Samantha is expanding her capabilities literally by the second. She develops what she claims are real feelings and in time she and Theodore fall in love. Many of his friends are supportive of this new type of relationship including Amy, who has developed a friendship with her OS, and coworker Paul (Chris Pratt-Parks and Rec, Zero Dark Thirty, Moneyball). He and Paul go on a double date with Samantha and Paul’s girlfriend Tatiana (Laura Kai Chen-True Adolescents, Eden, Junk) and things seem copacetic. However when he has lunch with his ex Catherine she gives him crap about the nature of the relationship and he starts having his doubts.
SPOILER ALERT He and Samantha have some problems but patch things up. However, she is having a harder and harder time with the relationship due to the fact that she has more or less evolved to the point that communication with him seems to take a billion years (again, reading Banks will help you understand this). Eventually she has to leave in order to move on to a higher plane of existence (again, Banks) leaving him alone with Amy.
The stars.
I don’t often use the term beautiful to describe a movie, but this was a beautiful movie. Three stars. The story was both super cool and super interesting. Two stars. I’ve never seen Joaquin inhabit a role more thoroughly. Excellent acting and wondrous portrayal. You will literally feel his every pain and joy. One star. I loved the imagining of what our lives will be like 20 years down the road. Truly a great commentary on our society and the direction it is headed in. One star. Really funny at parts. You will especially laugh at the dead cat scene. One star. Characters that you will care about and are exceptionally believable. One star. Really cool very subtle elements to convey the futuristic nature of the world. One star. A little bit of nudity to spice up the R rating. One star. Overall a great viewing experience. Three stars. Total: fourteen stars.
The black holes.
Yes, I know. I suck for even giving a few but I have to be honest. First off I am a fan of Scarlett Johansson and like her a lot (I would definitely pull her pig tails in the schoolyard). However, her voice has a rising inflection and when you hear it without seeing her stunning good looks it is kind of distracting. One black hole. Stepping out of my role as an intellectual film critic and into my everyman “unwashed masses” film viewer if you are the type who likes guns, cars, explosions, fast cars, fight scenes, and more explosions prepare to be bored. Even the two video games they show were painfully slow and boring. Imagine a world filled with all the wimps from the Demolition Man. As a spurting font of machismo I have to take issue with that. One black hole. On that same vein I was definitely feeling all 126 minutes of the film. I don’t think anything could have been reasonably edited out but there was a certain amount of drag time. I understand the visual need to show Theodore riding a train or elevator in order to show the mundanity of his life but by the end of the film I was wishing for a stronger hand on the editing button. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a grand total of eleven black holes and yet another candidate for my best film of 2013. Weird that in the last two weeks I have added so many to the short list. Should you see this film? Yes. Yes you should. Unless you are some kind of robot or climbing the walls from a meth overdose you will love it. Films like this give me hope for the future of entertainment. Date movie? Hell yes. Not only will your date also love this film but without a female lead to compete with she will be less distracted. Also all the self esteem issues a woman typically faces when watching a romantic comedy with a super hot female protagonist will not be aggravated (“Well, at least I have a body.”). Plus Theodore is as big a socially awkward dork as you could imagine so unless you are Brainy Smurf you will look really cool in comparison. Bathroom break? I say hold it. However, if you really need to go the beach scene is the most missable. It is fairly long and once you get the basic idea there isn’t much to add.
Thanks for reading. My readership has shot up quite a bit in the last few months (along with my self esteem) so thank you all for reading and sharing my blog with your friends. Follow me on Twitter (looking at my Twitter numbers kind of brings by self esteem back down again, but I guess it all balances in the end) @Nerdkungfu. Place comments on this film or my review here and off topic questions or suggestions should be emailed to [email protected]. My best friend has put in a request that I see and review the new Hercules (he likes to see me suffer I guess) so I will be seeing that later today. Look for the review tomorrow. Have a great night.
Dave
Lone Survivor Movie Review
Brutally good.
I always feel a little guilty about how much I love war movies where the USA is the coolest and all non Americans can suck it. Intellectually I try to be more open minded and cross political but these movie hearken me back to days or yore when an eight year old boy named David was allowed to stay up late to watch Patton for the fifteenth time with his father. As much as I may or may not support our current government I am proud to be an American and feel an adrenalin rush when I see the guys I was raised to believe were the good guys win.
(The other reason I tend to feel guilty is I know there are guys out there (two of them are cousins of mine) for whom movies where American rules is better than the best porn and are probably servicing themselves to something like this film as I type)
That being said this movie was brutal but good. Watching those brave men die knowing that the film was based on real men dying was heart wrenching. What was even more heart wrenching was having the movie show real life images and video of each of the people killed in that operation. It was like attending 15 funerals back to back.
It was all done very well, however. I love movies that evoke emotions and this one definitely accomplishes that in spades. You connect with each of the men on the screen and will find yourself rooting for and hoping against hope for their survival. Each death hits hard and will leave you appreciating the bravery and camaraderie of these sailors.
The other thing I really liked about this film is it wasn’t just a jingoistic America rules all Muslims are awful experiment in patriotic manipulation. The lone survivor in question only survives due to the kindness and bravery of local Afghan locals who follow the law of Pashtunwali, rules which include hospitality, kindness, and protection of strangers. By including their part the movie shifted the story away from “kill everyone wearing a turban” to a true story about courage and honor. I found that very refreshing and greatly appreciated the open minded thinking that emphasized it.
There honestly isn’t much to the story. Four Navy SEALS (Mark Wahlberg-Boogie Nights, the Fighter, Prisoners; Taylor Kitsch-Battleship, John Carter, Savages; Emile Hirsch-Speed Racer, Into the Wild, Milk; Ben Forster-3:10 to Yuma, the Mechanic, Pandorum) Marcus Luttrell, Michael Murphy, Danny Dietz, and Matt ‘Axe’ Axelson are tasked with bringing down a major Taliban leader in a remote village in Afghanistan. After some pre-mission development (seeing the guys go for a run, have a sort of new guy introduction for some guy, etc) they get the word from their commander and are given the green light. The helicopter in to a remote mountainous region and start hiking in.
Once they get close to the target things start to go wrong. They discover rather than the few Taliban fighters they were told to expect they are facing up to 200. The region messes up their communications and they cannot check back to base for information or orders. They spot their target but before they can do anything three unarmed civilian shepherds (a kid, a teenager, and an old man) stumble across them.
At that point there is some debate as to how to proceed. Without orders to the contrary they opt to do the decent thing and releases the shepherds and scrub the mission. They fall back towards a higher point, hoping to establish communications and effect a retrieval.
At that point they are attacked by the Taliban and are in a running battle for their lives. Part of the problem is they keep falling down cliffs and hills, giving the Taliban a height advantage. They fight bravely but all but Lattrell are killed in turn (the death of Axe was particularly moving). Eventually Lattrell passes out under a rock and wakes the next morning undiscovered.
He finds water and there is picked up by local a local Afghani tribesman (sorry for the lack of credits but except for the four main guys I can’t tell one supporting character from the other). He takes Lattrell to his village and helps nurse him back to health. Lattrell writes a message to the US forces and an older man heads off to deliver it. Meanwhile Taliban forces come looking for him but just before he is to be executed the entire village rises up to save him out of respect for Pashtunwali. Eventually massive Taliban forces attack but are eventually beaten back by the intervention of US forces.
The stars.
A very moving story. Not a ton of character development but even without that you are drawn into the characters. Very well done. Two stars. Based on a real story. Two stars. I was never able to serve but it looks like they tried to keep everything as true to actual SEAL training and traditions as possible. An excellent window. One star. The action was G-damned exciting, made even more so by the fact that you know it was based on a true story and that most of these guys were going to die. Two stars. I liked all the characters. They all seemed like guys I would be happy to know. One star. Overall a great movie experience. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes.
I feel bad even thinking about these but need to be true to you, my beloved reader, and myself. Watching guys die for real is a gruesome experience, and the montage of actual photos of the men killed in the film at the end was hard to watch. I don’t mean that at a criticism and am glad they included it, but I’m just saying it was difficult. One black hole. There are times during the action scenes where you just want to bite your own lip off in frustration. Again, not bad. Just difficult. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand score of eight stars. What a good way to start 2014. Should you see it? Honestly that depends on you. If you are a patriotic sort and appreciate story about bravery and honor sure. However if you think you might find watching these guys get butchered you should probably give it a pass. If you are going to see it go for the biggest screen you can find. Date movie? Probably not. Bathroom break? There is a scene towards the end where Lattrell has to cut some shrapnel from his legs that is both gruesome and not really needed for the story. Hurry back though.
Thanks for reading my first review of 2014 movies. I am working on my list of movies from last year and will try to have my best/worst posts up early this next week. I still need to see Her and Grudge Match, but I really want to see the new Hercules movie. It looks so bad that I might be able to skip writing the review just by vomiting all over my keyboard. I haven’t had a true fish-in-the-barrel reviewing experience in a while and my trigger finger is feeling itchy. (Kevin Sorbo Hercules (the real Hercules) image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category) I’ll probably see Her tonight and maybe do two movies tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 70 Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
I haven’t had time to do a lot of movie watching this week so I’m back on the Star Trek stuff.
The third season is universally decried as the worst of TOS in the same way that a banana peal is the worst of the banana. However there are a few gems in there and this is definitely one of them. 
Not only does it have a great message about the dangers of racial intolerance and how miniscule such things really are to outsiders, it guest starred the great Frank Gorshin who played The Riddler in the Batman TV series (Riddler image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category).
In many episodes there are certain scenes that will always stick with me. The death scene of the Romulan commander at the end of Balance of Terror, the fight scene from Amok Time, Anton Karidian reading the declaration of Kodos the Executioner in the Conscience of the King; these scenes are ones that made a permanent imprint in my cerebral cortex and are the soul of the various episodes. The benchmark scene for me in this episode will always be Bele trying to explain to Kirk and Spock why he is in all ways racially superior to Lokai based on the fact that their faces are black and white on opposite sides. Not only is it a great commentary on human racism it is a good example of how cultures focus on what seems trivial items and elevate them to primary importance’s. In Western culture the focus of attraction is inevitably face, boobs, and butt but in other cultures it can be a tremendously elongated neck, or enlarged lips, or eye folds. It’s kind of surreal. If only Western women would wake up and decide a creative mind, insightful thought process, and high intellect were what is sexy I might actually get laid once in a while.
Anyway, this weekend I’ll get my best and worst of 2013 done. Something tells me the worst is going to be easier to write than the best. 2013 for quality movies was a bit of a dry spell in the same sense that the Sahara desert is experiencing a bit of a dry spell. Looks like Grudge Match slipped my net and now I’m getting pressure to go see Her, so I’ll try to wrap up 2013 this weekend too. Have a great night.
Dave
