Frozen Movie Review
Blandtastic.
I guess the honeymoon for the marriage between Disney and Pixar is officially over. You know how it is. When a couple first gets together the husband lets the wife pick the restaurant, 
choose the shade of white for the living room, and drive the car once in a while but after a year or two he’s decided the best place for her is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen while he smokes cigars, watches football, and makes movies with princesses in them.
(If any of you want to speculate on the nature of my own relationships based on that last statement, chances are that you would be at the same time completely right and completely wrong. Game Over image is from the Funny T-shirt category)
Not to say that Frozen is bad. It has a number of mixed messages (which are at times at odds with each other) but is pretty to look at and has a lot of singing (more on that later). If you gave the writers the assignment of creating a kid film with as many princesses and collectable toys in it as possible I’d say they did an admirable job. This is going to end up one of those reviews where I am at odds with the masses of legitimate reviews, but something about this film just left me cold (haw!).
For one thing, is there an occupation in the Disney world for a cute young girl other than princess? I mean, surely the housekeeper and peasant women at some point were hot teenage girls who had a magical romance where they fell in love and procreated without the benefit of a palace and ballroom. I laughed at the end of Wreck it Ralph when Vanellope turned out to be a princess but honestly it is to the point of being a creepy, psychotic obsession. It’s like a middle aged single man who has a massive ceramic clown collection.
Another thing that bugged me was a couple of the messages. Sure, there was a great one about sisterhood and standing by your family, but the youngest of the two princesses sole stated goal in life was to fall in love and get married. Not exactly empowering. Definitely not the accepting of your own nature message that was so great in Wreck it. Is it possible that there might be a teenage girl in a Disney film who wants to go to college and accomplish something other than fall in love, or maybe just smoke a lot of pot and become the worlds best twerker?
That’s not totally fair. There was a good message about acceptance in this one as well, and the importance of not being a closeted shut in. A lot of it felt recycled from other films however and this really wasn’t the vehicle to carpool these messages to work.
There were some things that did bug me in definable ways. The trolls, for one thing. A more blatant ploy for selling toys you will not find, and they were truly annoying (as well as unnecessary). Yes, I know this film is for the kiddiewinks and I am an ass for even reviewing it, but a good kids film should entertain all ages. I could see WIR once a week and enjoy it. Anyway, the trolls sucked. What did they look like, you ask? Take a troll doll, squish the aspect ratio down vertically about 20%, and color them green. Done.
Finally, the singing. You know how in the Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast there are classic songs that work themselves into the movie seamlessly and you can hear them even now and not only know what film they were from but exactly what scene? I’m a dude of massive machismo and even I can recognize Be Our Guest and tell you exactly what was happening while it was being sung (truth be told, put a gun to my head and I could probably recite most of the lyrics. No amount of coercion will get me to actually sing it, however), or Under the Sea. No danger of that here. Instead of songs that enhance the film the music is forced into the film with the subtlety and painlessness of a garden hose catheter and are mostly the characters singing their dialog instead of speaking it. I honestly can’t remember one of them. They all blur together into a mediocre montage. The people singing them didn’t impress me with their pipes either, although to be honest I am not much of a musical talent myself unless playing the radio counts. I just know what I like.
The story. It starts off with Princess Anna (Kristen Bell-Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Veronica Mars, When in Rome) waking up her older sister Ilsa (Idina Menzel-Rent, Beowulf, Enchanted) so they can play. Ilsa has magical cold power for some reason and can manifest ice and show. While playing she accidentally shoots Anna in the head and freezes her brain. Her father and mother the king and queen take her to the local trolls, who look like rocks until they unroll themselves. The head troll (Ciarán Hinds-There Will Be Blood, the Road to Perdition, the Woman in Black) cures her and also erases her memory of Ilsa’s powers for some reason (?). Ilsa has to shut out Anna and hide in her room trying to control her power.
Skip forward a couple years and the king and queen are “lost at sea” (cough cough dead cough cough. Have fun explaining that to your kindergartener). Ilsa and Anna live almost alone in the shut down palace until Ilsa comes of age and is made queen. She still can barely control her power and has to wear gloves all the time. At the coronation party Anna meets Hans (Santino Fontana-Jersey Shore Gone Wild, Submissions Only, Nancy Please), a handsome prince. They hit it off and ask Ilsa for permission to marry after knowing each other for like two hours (another great message for your kids). She wisely denies permission but Anna argues. During the course of the argument Anna gets a glove and Ilsa unleashes her power, freezing over the countryside.
Ilsa runs off into the cold and creates a pretty spectacular ice palace. Anna goes after her and leaves Hans in charge. In the woods she meets up with Kristoff (Jonathan Groff-Taking Woodstock, the Conspirator, C.O.G.), a professional ice seller who is now in need of employment. She hires him to help her get to her sister. Along the way they meet up with a living snowman Ilsa created named Olaf (Josh Gad-Jobs, Love and Other Drugs, 21) who is along for the comedy relief. They get to Ilsa but she ejects them with the help of a terrifying snow monster she also created.
Hans leads an expedition to find Anna and capture Ilsa (the whole country is frozen over and everyone is bummed) and mixes it up with the snow monster. Two dudes sent along by a two big bad duke (Alan Tudyk-Firefly, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, Wreck it Ralph) try to kill Ilsa and she defends herself. During the course of the fight Anna gets ice zapped in the heart. Kristoff takes her to see Trolli who says only an act of true love will save her. They rush back to the palace where Hans has Ilsa locked up and he turns out to be a power hungry jerk (why is it chicks always dig the bad boys?). Conflict ensues, Ilsa learns an important message about the power of true love and sisterhood, and Anna finds her heart is elsewhere.
I don’t know. This is one of those films that in my opinion the total value does not equal the sum of all its parts. It has the elements needed. A princess or two. Check. Cute sidekick characters. Check. A hunky romance. Check. A bad guy who is not too threatening. Check. Singing. Check. Some magical visuals. Check. I have seen other reviewers call this one another Disney classic but honestly I don’t see it. It’s good but not amazing. A couple years from now it will be just another one on the pile. I don’t think they will be remastering and rereleasing it 25 years from now. Of course with kids films I skip the star/black hole thing and just go with how the kids in the audience react, and to be honestly they all seemed to be loving it. From that perspective this film is nigh flawless and perfect to help your kid kill a couple more hours of his or her childhood. I just don’t think you the adult will be as entranced.
So worth seeing sure. Maybe my dissatisfaction stems from my cold, dead heart but in truth there are plenty of kids films that I love. Date movie? Absofreakinglutley. If you don’t have kids but have a chick you are trying to thaw (haw! again) you can’t pick a better film. Bathroom break? Nothing really jumps out as being truly necessary or unnecessary. Maybe the scene at the trading post?
Thanks for reading. I still have Oldboy to write up but for some reason am not that motivated to work on it. I’ll try to get it done tomorrow. I double dog dare you to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Who wants to be my 200th follower? If you have a comment on this film or my review post it here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Homefront Movie Review
With bonus Jason Stratham game!
Another movie that disappointing me by not being as horrible as I expected, based on other reviews and past experience. I guess even I can be surprised. The disappointment, however, comes from the fact that I was all prepared to dump my pent up bile and frustration at my own dating life on the movie of a guy who probably does pretty well with the ladies, Jason Stratham. Now I have to give it an honest review.
Of course, the parts I liked had little to do with Mr. Stratham. And don’t mistake my opening for a rousing endoursement of this film. It is at best an above average action movie. It’s just that in my opinion it does not deserve the 32% rating my “fellow” critics (most of them would be highly insulted that I put myself in their exalted box, but I am free to delude myself as much as I like) gave it on Rotten Tomatoes (on the other hand the 70% audience rating seems a bit generous). Normally these modestly above the mean films make for pretty boring reviews, so to spice thing up I think I will start off with a game I invented called “Write the next Jason Stratham movie”. I’m sure at some point in your childhood you have done Mad Libs, so you should be able to play pretty easily. Just fill in the blanks and I’m sure Fox or New Line will green light it.
“Jason Stratham plays an ex (cop, military, or criminal of some kind) who wants to get out of the life and settle down with his (female relative or significant other of some kind) someplace quiet. He has a few tender moments with her but then randomly runs into (local criminal, mafia, or rogue agent/military). The antagonist acts aggressively but Jason (shoots or beats up) him and (a number between 3 and 10) of his henchmen.
The antagonist goes back to his (crime boss, superior officer, older more powerful relative) and the boss decides Jason is a threat. Meanwhile, Jason investigates the group by (asking around town, calling old associates, or finding a nerdy computer hacker) and then confronts the lesser antagonist and (tries to make amends or threatens him). His romance is kindled further with (significant other or local hot chick with heart of gold).
Jason gets captured by the antagonists and is (water boarded, tortured, or threatened) but manages to escape when the bad guys (leave him alone with some loose tools to escape with, don’t tie his legs, or untie him in order to show they can beat him in combat) rather than just shoot him. He (shoots or beats up) (a number between 3 and 6) of the henchmen and gets away. As he escapes his female relative is kidnapped by the bad guys while his black friend who helped him earlier is killed.
He finds out where they are keeping her by (capturing the wimpiest of the bad guys and forcing it out of him, arousing the sexual desire of the antagonists girlfriend with his bald bad ass good looks, or by having his computer hacker friend or former associates track them somehow). He collects a (trunk full of guns, homemade explosives, or a crossbow) and assaults the bad guy stronghold like a one man wrecking machine, killing (a number between 14 and 50) henchmen. He runs into the lesser antagonist in a (warehouse floor, warehouse roof, or warehouse basement) just as he runs out of (bullets, crossbow bolts, or throwing knives) and they have to fight with (bare fists, a pipe, or a fire axe). Jason wins by (breaking the guys neck, pushing him off a tall building, or impaling him on a pipe and then breaking his neck).
Finally he finds his female significant other being held at gun point by the head bad guy with a waiting (helicopter or boat). All seems lost but then the female (stabs the guy with a hidden knife, stomps on his foot with the stiletto heel he made her put on, or bites the hand that he has wrapped around her neck). He loses control of her, allowing Jason to (shoot, stab, throw off a building) him, thus saving her and putting a stop to whatever nefarious (drug deal, world threatening espionage, or arms deal) the guy had cooking. The end.”
See, you all thought writing these things was hard.
I think what I just illustrated is how simple most of these stories are, and this one hit every mark. At that point the only thing distinguishing one formulaic action film from the next is the quality of the characters, and that his honestly where Jason fails to deliver. He pretty much acts like a pissed off terminator through the majority of the films, and I’ll tell you in advance any of the scenes involving him alone with his daughter is the perfect time to run out and use the bathroom, flirt with the concession girl, or just step outside and appreciate the wonder of being alive on this planet. The rest of the cast more or less makes up for his robotic delivery.
One more thing before I get into it. I guess the director of this film made the mistake of seeing Spring Breakers and realized as I did that the only redeeming thing in that film (aside from hot girls in bikinis, I mean) was James Franco playing an Everglade hillbilly and opted to write that into this film in the role of Gator Bodine, only without the flare. Also, is it even remotely possible they could have found a more stereotypical name for this guy? This is almost as bad as creating a bad guy out of thin air between two sequels and just calling him General Grievous in case you missed the point (that he is bad).
The story. Honestly I just gave it to you up above. Jason Stratham (Parker, the Transporter, Killer Elite) plays Phil Broker, an ex DEA agent who is wanted by a biker gang and moves to a small town in Louisiana with his ten year old daughter (Izabela Vidovic-Zombieland, Home for the Holidays, Grave Secrets). She gets into a fight with a school bully (Austin Craig-no other credits) and kicks his ass. His mother (Kate Bosworth-Superman Returns, Straw Dogs, the Warriors Way) is a meth head with a temper and wants revenge. Jason ends up kicking the ass of her wimpy husband (Marcus Hester-Looper, Lawless, the Conspirator), embarrassing her in front of the town.
She goes to her brother Gator Bodine (James Franco-Spring Breakers, The End, Oz the Great and Powerful), local drug manufacturer and sort of bad ass. He looks into Phil and discovers that he was DEA. 
He opts to sell him out to the biker gang with the help of his girlfriend (Winona Ryder, looking super hot in a dirty way. I’ve always had a thing for her. Edward Scissorhands, Girl, Interrupted, Black Swan. The scissor hands diagram comes from the Movie tshirt category). At that point just follow the Mad Lib. Jason gets captured and beat on, escapes, the bikers come to kill him, his daughter gets kidnapped, yada yada yada. Don’t come to this film looking for surprises.
The stars.
While the story was flat and predictable, if you treat it like the serving platter to deliver a decent meal of mundane food on it was nigh perfect. One star. Action was decent, and at no point did my disbelief feel a lack of oxygen. One star. James Franco was pretty good, as were most of the rest of the local color. Kate Bosworth kind of tore it up as a psychotic meth addict. One black hole. I’m definitely going to give them a star for using Clancy Brown as the sheriff. Oh, who is Clancy Brown you ask? Only the Kurgan from Highlander. You suck if you did not know that. One star. Another star for Winona Rider. I’m always glad to see women who turned me on as a high school student still looking super hot. Also she was pretty good here. One star. In general this film did not suck in the many ways that I expected it to. It was actually fun to watch. Two star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes:
The story was indeed flat and predictable. If your doctor has prescribed no surprises in your life this is the film for you. One black hole. Jason Stratham really is stuck with exactly one character in all his movies (well, all his movies not directed by Guy Ritchie). He still has the five o’clock shadow clause in all his contracts too I noticed. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So a grand total of five stars. Not bad, really. You could do worse by a lot. Credit to Sylvester Stallone. While formulaic he definitely knows what works in an action film. If you are looking for fun without a lot of brain exercise perfect for you. Date movie? Meh. If she’s into action films sure but otherwise the romance and the little girl are not enough to keep her engaged I think. Bathroom break? I already told you, any of the one on one scenes with Jason and the little girl.
Thanks again for reading. I’m seeing Oldboy later tonight and will write that up tomorrow I guess. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to leave any comments on the film or this review here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion email it to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Delivery Man Movie Review
It didn’t quite NOT deliver.
Have you ever met a person of the gender of your sexual interest and are totally attracted to in spite of the fact that all of your previous experience, logic, and just common sense should in no way be into? I’m not just talking about good girls wanting bad boys (you girls can all blame your fathers for that) but rather someone who is so far out of your normal scope of attraction that you find yourself questioning your base foundations?
My best friend and I have a term for this phenomenon and that is “strangely attractive”, as in “In spite of the fact that I want to hate that girl with the burning passion of 10,000 suns I find her strangely attractive.” Vince Vaughn is strangely attractive as an actor. The lists of reasons why I should hate him and his movies is more than extensive, but for some bizarre reason I find his films appealing and entertaining. It is one of the great movie conundrums, like why do Adam Sandler movies make money, where the f&$% did midichlorians come from, or why did the nerd community not come together and declare a fatwa on Joel Schumacher after Batman and Robin?
Unfortunately Vince Vaughn’s bizarre, inexplicable appeal was not enough to carry this film all the way through. This film looks like one that started with a seed of brilliance and then died on the operating table. The basic idea is really good: average Joe (haw!) finds out that through a mix up at a fertility clinic he is the biological father of hundreds of kids. At that point, however, it seems like the writers just sat back and assumed comedy would spontaneously manifest itself through the will of the human gestalt consciousness. There are a few good set pieces but once we get through the comedy of Vince freaking out discovering his revelation the whole thing turns into a mediocre heart warmer and all the best comedic lines get handed off to the lawyer buddy.
However, like I said in the sub title the movie isn’t horrible. It has it’s moments and you will laugh upon occasion. What was horrible, however, was the timing of this release. I don’t know who at DreamWorks thought going toe to toe with the Hunger Games was a good idea, but that person should not only be fired but frozen in carbonite for a few hundred years in hopes that a cure will have been found for whatever genetic brain defect he or she suffers from rather than risk passing it on to the next generation. Either that or just shoot them into space. Trying to compete with a juggernaut like Catching Fire is like a class of baby seals taking a field trip to the International Club and Cudgel Convention (this year located in Garden City, Kansas).
The movie begins with down and out loser David (no irony there. Vince Vaughn-the Internship, Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers) working as a meat delivery guy for his fathers company with his two brothers. His father Mikolaj (Andrezej Blumenfeld-the Pianist, Little Rose, Where Eskimos Live) and brothers (Simon Delaney-This Must Be the Place, Roy, Amazing Grace and Bobby Moynihan-the Invention of Lying, Monsters University, the Brass Teapot) love him but think of him as a complete loser. In a direct slap in the face to my life this penniless loser with no education and nothing going on has the hottest girlfriend on the planet Emma (Colby Smolders-How I Met Your Mother, the Avengers, Safe Haven) and a best friend Brett who is a lawyer beset by being a single dad with four toddler kids 
(Chris Pratt-Parks and Rec, Zero Dark Thirty, Movie 43. Li’l Sebastian image comes from the TV Show T Shirt catetory).
Emma tells David that she is pregnant but doesn’t want him involved since he is a flaky loser. David goes home and is confronted by an attorney for the fertility clinic he donated to over 600 times. The attorney tells him that due to a massive error at the clinic he is now the biological father of 533 children, a lot of whom are suing to find out who he is. There is a nice collection of David freaking out and coming to grips with his fatherhood scenes while Brett volunteers to handle his case for him. The kids give him a file of profiles of the assorted kids and when he gets home he pulls one out and looks at it.
Turns out the first kid is a professional basketball player. David goes to see a game and gets pumped up. He starts randomly pulling out profiles and visiting each kid anonymously. They range from successful to almost homeless. He tried to help them when he can and feels a kinship with each one. Meanwhile he owes $80K to some loan shark for some reason and is in danger of getting killed, and he is trying to prove to Emma that he is worthy of being his newest kids father.
Once the big reveal is done and he falls into the routine of visiting kids the story kind of peters off. The funny lines get shifted over to his friend Brett and the film tries to end up a feel good romantic comedy with mixed results. In truth this film felt more like a TV show pilot than a feature film, and that TV show is My Name is Earl. You know, Earl has an epiphany and has to visit and make amends with all he ever wronged? This could have been a really good show but as a movie the assumption was that we would see the funny in the feel good and the feel good in the comedy. Tonal failure IMO. Started as a comedy and tried to end as an After School Special about the importance of family.
The stars.
Vince Vaughn was entertaining for no reason I can put my finger on. One star. Colby Smulders rocks my world, although at some point in her career I would appreciate her showing some skin that isn’t exclusively on her hands, neck, or face. One star. Many of the individual set pieces were funny, and would have been great on a one hour TV show. One star. The father and brothers were all pretty good. One star. Some of the individual children were entertaining, especially Viggo. One star. In general not a waste of my time. One star. Total: six stars.
The black hole:
No real tone. Comedy or feel good? At times it even got almost grim and gritty. One black hole. The movie ended with all the power of a balloon with a slow leak finally settling on the ground. Great concept, but the story needed to really be fleshed out. One black hole. More TV pilot than movie. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of three stars, a very mediocre score for a fairly mediocre movie. Even if this film had not tried to go against the biggest movie powerhouse of the year odds are it would have disappointed in the box office. You can’t stop a flood with a sugar filled sandbag. Definitely worth killing an evening at home one night on NetFlix, but I doubt it will leave a lasting mark. Date movie? Sure, it’s heartwarming and will put baby making in your date’s mind. On the other hand this could lead into one of those horrible girl questions for which there is no good answer, such as “Would (or have) you ever donate(d) to a sperm bank?” “Do you masturbate and if so how often (and to what)?” Bathroom break? Any of the individual kid vignettes are not really important in and of themselves, so pick one and miss it with impunity. The best one to miss would be the drunk fat guy trying to get into the cab.
Thanks for reading. I saw Homefront about and hour ago and will review it tomorrow morning. Join the vast majority of humanity and my readers by specifically NOT following me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. No one really wants to be an original I guess. Just like when I ask girls out on dates. If you have a comment on this film or my review leave it here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great Thanksgiving.
Dave
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Review
Game winning.
There’s a special feeling you get when you see a franchise movie with a dedicated fan base on opening night. If any of you saw any of the Star Wars or Harry Potter movies this way you know what I mean. As bad as some of them may be you cannot help but get caught up in the excitement and passion that the fans exude from every pore and orifice. People show up in costume, show creepy fan tattoos, and will happily band together and beat the ass of any with the temerity to doubt the world wide worth of their favorite book-turned-movie character. These things add a flavor and energy to the film that otherwise might go unnoticed. Also if you fail to appear to enjoy the film there’s always that band together thing to worry about.
Well, except for Twilight, of course. There isn’t enough fan loyalty and good will in the universe to make that franchise watchable. We’re talking a general feeling of warmth here, not the almighty power of God. The best way to find one of those sparkly vampire movies enjoyable is on some serious drugs in a completely different room from the one the film is playing in, preferable in a different house in a different city or even on a completely different plane of existence where life is based on silicon rather than carbon and communication is through low level coded emissions of radiation. Speaking of God and different planes of existence the Charlie Sheen winning image I got from the funny t shirt category. It was the only winning image I could think of.
So the fan base at the late night screening last night added to my enjoyment of this film. I saw three girls dressed as Katniss (one with a fake bow and quiver of arrows, although for some inexplicable reason she had her pretend arrows coming out of the quiver point first). All of them were young and cute, which are two words that could describe a really large percentage of the audience. I felt like an even creepier old man than I do when I see kids movies. At least at kids movies some people might think I’m developmentally challenged. I really need to get a girlfriend who loves movies so I look like less of a loser. Lacking that I adopted my usual creepy solo loner at an inappropriate movie mien by scowling continuously while reading my own blog (let it not be said that I am not a fan of my own work, or that my ego needs inflating) on my phone, thus guaranteeing a bubble of at least two seats in all directions so I could watch the movie in relative peace.
I saw the first Hunger Games and was honestly shocked at how much I enjoyed it. I was expecting it to be another sparkly vampire fiasco and walked in with my bile cannon locked and loaded, but I am man enough to admit when my ill informed preconceived notions are incorrect. I went and read the book afterward and enjoyed it as well. Suzanne Collins is a talented writer and cut from a much different cloth than certain writers of other novel series designed to suck disposable income and brain cells from the purses and brain pans of teenage girls. Katniss had actual depth, was not caught in a pointless love triangle with sizzle chested man/boys, and had actual drama going on in her life not the problem of deciding which idyllic life to choose. She showed courage and strength of character when she volunteered as tribute in the place of her sister, and since I was invested in her character I honestly cared about what befell her.
This film continued that tradition. I opted to not read the second book until I had seen it and in retrospect I am glad I did. You see, in the moments prior to Katniss being raised up to the arena floor in this film I had a feeling so alien I had a hard time classifying it. I was leaning forward in my seat, my pulse was elevated, and I could feel adrenaline rushing through my body. Was I having a heart attack? Brain aneurism? About to Sublime to an energy based level of causality? No, this was honest to God excitement, the rarest and most valuable of emotions for a movie reviewer (or just movie attendee).
The fact is by not knowing what happened in the book and by being invested in both Katniss and Peeta (most of the rest of the cast too) I was honestly concerned for their safety. This is a harder thing to pull off than you might think, and when you see 150+ movies per year (and then write rambling reviews of them) it is even harder. Since I knew there was a third movie I could reasonably deduce that Katniss was probably going to survive, but what about Peeta? Or Haymitch? What was going to happen to Cinna or that sizzle chested man/boy Gale that Katniss was mooning over (God dammit!)? Any one of them could have ended up on the wrong end of a machete and that would have been both amazing and a bum out. Even the new tributes had me engaged (especially Johanna).
On the other hand, if I were to offer one major criticism to this movie (and you know I have to) it’s that this is another book-to-film adaptation that assumes we all worship at the Hunger Games alter and read from the holy books every night before going to bed. Sorry but I didn’t write my thesis on Catching Fire (it was actually on the diminishing appearance of masculine art in a marginalization environment, if you have to know) and there were any number of moments where I was going “Huh?” while the rest of the audience was laughing or nodding sagely. I feel dirty for saying this given how much I have bitched about the multiple movie approach to other books (cough cough the Hobbit cough cough) but I think this story was dense enough and rich enough to warrant a part I and II. There was lots of stuff only touched on that I think I would have enjoyed seeing explored.
The film starts off with Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence-Silver Lining’s Playbook, Winters Bone, X-Men First Class) having PTSD flashbacks while hunting with her sort of boyfriend Gale (Liam Hemsworth-the Expendables 2, Paranoia, the Hunger Games). She has to leave on a victory tour of the 12 Districts with Peeta (Josh Hutcherson-the Kids are All Right, American Splendor, Epic). Before leaving she is confronted by President Snow (Donald Sutherland-Mash, the Eye of the Needle, Ordinary People) who tells her that her poison stunt is being seen as an act of defiance and the only way she is going to not have her family killed is if she sells her fake romance with Peeta to the hilt.
(Quick aside-while it is absolutely true that the subtle nuances of the human mating rituals are entirely lost upon me (along with most of the not-so-subtle ones, and for that matter a lot of the painfully obvious ones) but given what he does for her it is apparent that Katniss absolutely does not deserve a guy as good as Peeta. Haymitch says exactly that, but as a man who works to be a good guy and help his friends (female and male) I was feeling a lot of Peeta’s pain. If any of you women wonder why you never date nice guys let me say on behalf of all the nice guys you have probably rejected in your life go to hell (no the irony is not lost).)
Anyway, they get on the bullet train with Haymitch (Woody Harrelson-Zombieland, Now You See Me, No Country for Old Men) and Effy (Elizabeth Banks-Pitch Perfect, the 40 Year Old Virgin, What to Expect When You are Expecting) and travel to all the districts. They start to see signs of discontent in a lot of them, to the point that they managed to inspire riots and executions. They try their best but Snow is convinced that the two of them are a threat to his power and stability. At a decadent party Katniss meets Plutarch Heavensbee (WTF is up with the names in this film? It doesn’t look that far in the future. No one is named Bill? Plutarch is played by Philip Seymour Hoffman-Moneyball, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, the Big Lebowski), the new head of the Hunger Games. He says some ominous stuff.
Katniss and Peeta keep screwing up, so Plutarch and Snow decide to do away with them. The big 75th anniversary Hunger Games is coming up and the opt to pull in just previous winners from each of the districts. Haymitch is chosen but Peeta volunteers in his place. They go through the whole pre game rigamarole more or less same as last time; training, evaluation, interviews with creepy Caesar Flickerman (Stanley Tucci-the Terminal, The Devil Wears Prada, Captain America the First Avenger). This time the two of them work to build alliances with other tributes including wild girl Johanna (the strangely attractive Jena Malone-Sucker Punch, Contact, Into the Wild) and brainiac Beetee (Jeffrey Wright-Source Code, the Quantum of Solace, Casino Royale). All of the tributes are pretty pissed about getting dragged back into this fiasco and take every opportunity to turn the screws on President Snow.
They all get injected into the Games and Battle Royale mayhem ensues. This time there are no kids, but honestly it seemed even more cruel than last time. More effort is expended to survive the environment than each other. I don’t want to give away anything to anyone else who didn’t read the books, but there are twists and turns and the whole thing ends on a massive cliffhanger.
The stars:
Much better story that the subject matter deserves if you know what I mean. The real story took place outside of the Games, and greatly explored a lot of the politics. Two stars. I am a big fan of both Donald Sutherland and Woody Harrelson. One star. Jennifer Lawrence was looking even hotter here than in the last one, and Jena Malone was really turning me on. Of course it could be that I am drawn to psychopathic women armed with razor sharp battle axes, but I don’t want to follow that thought thread too closely. One star. The combined story and characters had me really giving a damn about what happened to all of them. I was really engaged. Two stars. I honestly liked the big twist, and it left me excited about the next film. One star. President Snow is a great villain. One star. Action was fun and exciting. One star. Pacing was great, and you hardly felt the 146 minutes. One star. An excellent use of my time. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
The black holes:
I don’t want to dump on the acting, but it was really inconsistent. Sometimes great, sometimes robotic as hell (except for Woody. He was solid throughout). One black hole. There were any number of points that would have made a lot more sense had I read the book. I know I could have, but honestly a film should always stand on it’s own merits and not require pre-reading. One black hole. The whole story felt really rushed. I have the feeling the directors cut runs like 3-4 hours. I think they missed an opportunity by not breaking this one into two films, and now that I have said that I will have to go to my dark closet and flagellate myself for crimes against film. One black hole. The sadistic nature of the Hunger Games has not softened with a second movie and I still find it really hard to watch. It is even more apparent in this one. I really hope there is some kind of long due comeuppance being delivered in the last film for everyone involved. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Eight stars total. A very solid and respectable score. If you saw the first one you should absolutely see this one. If you are curious try to see the first one then see this one. The camera work is not so epic that it requires a big screen, so feel free to see it at home. That being said a large screen or IMAX will not be wasted. Date movie? A film about a hot capable chick who kicks ass and has a believable tragic romance? How could this not be a great date movie? Bathroom break? Hmm. I supposed if you aren’t into the visual of it the chariot scene is pretty expendable once they climb aboard. It’s pretty much the same exact scene as the last film. The training sequences are pretty perfunctory as well. Katniss kicks ass with a bow, everyone else is good at something. Not exactly the most staggering of expositions.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something else tomorrow or Sunday and write it up. Follow me on Twitter (or don’t as the vast majority of my readers seem inclined to) @Nerdkungfu. Comments about this review or movie can be left right here, and if you have an off topic comment or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. If you happen to work for a studio and want to get me in to see advanced screenings I am most definitely down to hear from you. Also I am willing to work with other sites publishing my reviews, so if your reviewer just went back to rehab and you are looking for someone let me know. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 74 Requiem for Methuselah
Now we are getting into some quality Star Trek. Interesting story, nice twist, and a girl so unbelievably hot she will make your eyes bleed (in a good way). The girl is played by Louise Sorel. She never did an amazing single role but has had a considerable filmography, doing Broadway, soaps, and a ton of prime time appearances.
The image is one of the many episode shirts from the Star Trek T-Shirt collection.
This is another episode that had less of an impact on me as a kid. I only saw it a couple times and the story was a little more complicated. I remember being kind of confused as a kid and the names bandied about like Da Vinci and Brahms had less of an impact on me than if Flint had said he was also Buck Rodgers or B.A. Baracas. However, upon rewatching it as an adult (technically) I realize it was a pretty damned good story. The idea that one man could play so many roles over so long was intriguing, as was the concept of him having such an impact on our culture. The clues Spock picked up on that led them to understand who he was were very cool, and M4 was pretty epic, although clearly a remake of Nomad from the Changeling (also redone as V’ger from Star Trek: the Motion Picture, only with more punch). However, Season 3 was all about cannibalizing the previous seasons so I won’t hold that against it.
Speaking of recycling from earlier seasons, if you watch the original showing the image of Flints home is pretty clearly the painting they did for Rigel IV from the Cage. I guess the budget was running a little thin at that point. They were probably digging through the props warehouse looking for anything they could use on the cheap. When they remastered this one they changed the image to a much more impressive mansion. Not sure if I like that or not. I find most of the remastering changes both annoying and unnecessary. Part of the appeal is the cheapness of the effects. You wouldn’t go to a live play and bitch because there is no lens flare, would you? If you are only watching Star Trek for the special effects stop reading my blog, J.J. Abrams.
Dave
Free Birds Movie Review
A turkey indeed.
There seems to be a divide between makers of kids movies. On the one side are those who appear to love children and want to make quality entertainment for them while understanding that a lot of parents are going to have to suffer through them as well and thoughtfully throw in some concepts and jokes for the adults. These wonderful people seem to end up working for Pixar or Disney and help produce films such as the Incredibles, Toy Story, Wreck It Ralph, Finding Nemo, and Ratatouille.
On the other side of the divide is a group of people who see kids (and their parents) as untended cash cows and the idea of a cash teat not hooked up to the entertainment machine as a sin. They provide films that are not necessarily bad, but are just there like a brick in a wall. It is not really notable and odds are the wall would survive without it, but no one is going to have a real objection to it’s existence. These films include Planes, Turbo, the Lorax, and Escape from Planet Earth. (damn, I review a lot of mediocre animated films).
So Free Birds. More in the second camp than the first. Not really horrible bad, but pretty much the definition of formulaic. 
I really wanted to love this film, if only because I am a huge George Takei fan (the man who taught me how to pronounce tsunami correctly. Image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category BTW). I am also a Woody Harrelson and Amy Poehler fan and like to see them succeed. However, while this film was not bad in the I-wish-I-were-drunk-off-my-ass sense, it just doesn’t truly entertain.
There is one massive trap in this film that I will warn you about. Like choosing a large pile of snow to urinate on only to find out that it was really a sleeping polar bear, taking your kids to see a film about cute animated turkeys fighting to get turkeys off the menu a few weeks before Thanksgiving will literally bite you on the ass when it comes time to carve your holiday bird. I have always found animated food creatures either fighting against or campaigning for being eaten off putting (Sorry, Charlie), and unless you really want to delve into the depths of the poultry industry and the difference between movie turkeys and food turkeys with your kids you should probably steer clear.
The story. Reggie (Owen Wilson-Cars, Midnight in Paris, Wedding Crashers) is a turkey who figures out he and his friends are due for the chopping block. He is grievously ostracized by the other turkeys due to being smarter than the rest of them (no flashbacks here) and spends his time trying to convince them of their fate. The President arrives at his farm and he manages to get the yearly turkey parole.
He is transported to Camp David to be the Presidents daughters pet and lives life of luxury. Eventually he is shanghaied by Jake (Woody Harrelson-Natural Born Killers, No Country for Old Men, Zombieland), a turkey revolutionary. They sneak into a military compound and steal a time machine named S.T.E.V.E. (George Takei-Star Trek, Heroes, the Green Berets). They plan to go back in time and convince the pilgrims to not eat turkeys on the first day.
They get back there and meet up with a herd (flock? What do you call a group of wild turkeys? All I know for sure is the reason crows are the coolest birds ever is a group of them is called a murder) of turkeys who have been distracting the human hunters away from their underground Rats of NIMH-like compound. Reggie meets Jenny (Amy Poehler-Blades of Glory, Parks and Rec, Mean Girls) and her brother Ranger (Jimmy Hayward, who also directed this film). The humans are more or less starving but Governor Bradford (Dan Fogler-Fanboys, Balls of Fury, Kung Fu Panda) is saving all their food as a bribe for the Native Americans at the Thanksgiving meal. He puts finding food on the head huntsman and all around bad guy Miles Standish (Colm Meaney-Con Air, DS9, Law Abiding Citizen) who for some reason thinks turkeys are the only food in the universe and seems to hate them with the same passion that I hate the new Star Trek movies.
Honestly it just rolls out with bland regularity. The humans hunt turkeys. Reggie tries to chicken (haw!) out but falls in love with Jenny. Things seem to grow grim for the turkeys but for the intervention of Steve and a huge delivery of pizza. The end.
Sorry but honestly I was getting bored recounting the story. I don’t do stars or black holes for kids movies. It seemed like the few kids in the audience were entertained, so by that standard we can call this film a technical success. As an adult I was pretty bored, which means as an actual rounded kids film (Monsters U for example) it’s kind of a meh. However, unless you are an advocate for animal rights and already feed your kids nothing but tofu and bean sprouts this film will definitely make things awkward come the holidays. I don’t really see this film as a recurring holiday film (it’s no Kiss Saves Christmas) but if you are looking to kill a few minutes and already have your tofurkey planned out go for it.
Thanks for reading. Not my most in depth review but middle of the road films like this one tend to be pretty boring to write about. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review please leave them here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks and have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 75 the Way to Eden
This one made #3 on my list of all time worst episodes and for good reason: space hippies. Specifically space hippies who for some odd reason really identified with Spock and thought of him as some kind of guru. The only redeeming thing was the hippies all treating Kirk like a major dork, calling him a Herbert. I suspect since this was towards the end of the series Shattners influence over the writers and producers was greatly diminished, as in season 1 he would never had let any of that nonsense go on. Nor would he have let the romantic love interest go to any other character and in this one it is Checkov who gets the girl (sort of). Of course he gets his revenge at the end and Checkov gets nothing again (for some reason I feel a kinship towards Checkov. Did I mention I got rejected by yet another girl last night?)
I don’t know. This episode felt like a stretch all the way through. This is also a perfect example of why singing has no place in Star Trek. Normally it’s one of the main characters annoying us with his or her melodic noise hole (Uhura in the Conscious of the King, Spock in Plato’s Stepchildren, etc.), but this time it was the hippy sing along. Of course, the Star Trek singing tradition continues to haunt us in the form of Shattner doing songs with Metallica. If you have never heard him cover Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds it is something everyone needs to hear once and then never again. Google it.
Dave
P.S. the peace symbol I got from the Cheap T Shirt category .
D.
Thor: the Dark World Review
Loki: the Dork World
I once again must apologize for not getting this written up sooner. I have been dealing with a technical issue all week having to do with a company with two o’s and two g’s in their name (you know, the German company known as Gurslictenoogle) that has kept me out reviewing for quite a while. I feel bad not getting these out in a timely manner, but since this gig doesn’t actually pay me not that bad.
The Loki image, by the way, is from our Comic Book T Shirt collection.
I have also been hesitant to write this as I am not sure how I really feel about it. Was it entertaining? Yes. Were there fun moments? Yes. Was it good in the way a well developed, well rounded film should be? No.
I think this is another case of writing failure. One of the two screenwriters, Christopher Markus, is what I consider an accomplished writer of sorts. He did write Pain and Gain and the first Captain America movies, both of which I feel were very decent. However, most of his filmography seems to revolve around the Chronicles of Narnia, the film equivalent of nacho flavored Styrofoam packing peanuts. His co-writer is Christopher Yost, who literally has only written superhero TV cartoons. There are six more writers credited, and the whole thing seems to be suffering from death by committee. The script staggers back and forth like a car accident victim with a rear view mirror embedded in his cranium. Sometimes it is a dopey, storyless action movie, sometimes there is an attempt at character development, sometimes there is a romance, and sometimes there is a revenge/brotherhood plot.
I’m not saying it’s terrible. If a strong tone and coherent, holeless plot are secondary concerns I am sure you will enjoy the hell out of it. It’s just not as good as the first Thor. I did that which I hate doing the most, research, and found out that none of the writers on the first Thor were involved in this one. I’m not sure if I understand the logic in that. You would imagine that a sequel to a successful movie would want to keep the same tone and flavor, but I guess if it ain’t broke fix it.
Where this film falls apart the most for me is the characters. In the first movie Thor was a spoiled princeling who needed to learn humility and deal with his lack of powers after being cast down to Earth by his equally interesting father Odin, while his scheming brother sought his fathers throne. In this film Thor is a boring, flawless good guy, Odin is pretty much a non-entity, and only Loki has anything that resembles depth or interest. The fish out of water stuff that Thor dealt with in the first film was a great framework for the chemistry between him and Jane Foster. In this film without that basis he and Jane have all the chemistry of mixing all your Easter Egg dyes together to get a muddy brown color and she ends up being the extraneous third nipple of the film (by that I mean completely unnecessary).
This film also falls into the scope trap that sucks in so many mediocre writers. The first film was about Thor, his brother, their fathers love, and the struggle for identity and personal angst. Sure, there was the whole Frost Giant thing but that was more to give the film context for the story to develop. You identified with the characters and felt their pain and hardship. In this one the villains plan is to DESTROY THE UNIVERSE! OMG! I LIVE IN THE UNIVERSE! I MUST AUTOMATICALLY GIVE A CRAP! You see, when the villains plan is to hurt or destroy a character we identify with that is engaging. As soon as the villains plan is to destroy the world, or blow up a city, or do something to everything in creation all tension is drained from the story. Everyone knows that no film is going to really end with the universe being destroyed, but there is just the off chance that the film could end with the tragic and noble death of Thor. After all, Rocky lost his fight and Spock died at the end of TWOK. If a wave of artistic integrity were to sweep over the writers and directors they could just have the evil plan be for the Frost Giants to get revenge on Thor by killing Jane and have her die in his arms at the end. That would be really cool. However, the odds are more likely of me finding love than that ever happening. Of course, since each film has to have a bigger, more bad ass plot than the last one how do you go bigger than the destruction of the universe? The complete annihilation of all causality? Oh, wait. The Infinity Gauntlet. Duh.
The story starts off with Thor (Chris Hemsworth-Pacific Rim, Snow White and the Huntsman, Cabin in the Woods) running around beating down all the oppressed people who rose up against Asgard when the Bifrost Bridge was destroyed at the end of the last film. Of course since all the bad guys look like post apocalyptic mutant Botox accidents and the good guys look like muscular Abercrombe & Fitch models I guess it fair to assume that seeking freedom from the iron heel of Odin is a bad thing. Meanwhile Jane (Natalie Portman-Black Swan, the Professional, V for Vendetta, some horrible sci fi films that shall go unmentioned as they make me sad) has been languishing back on Earth for two years pining for the guy she met and knew for like twelve hours in the last film with no more contact of any kind. She is doing some kind of weird science thing (if anyone can tell me exactly what kind of science she and her crew do I would appreciate it). She is aided by her bitchy sidekick Darcy (Kat Dennings-2 Broke Girls, the 40 Year Old Virgin, Day One) and Eric Selvig (Stellan Skarsgård-Avengers, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Good Will Hunting), who after being the Marvel whipping boy for like six films is now Birdman of Alcatraz crazy.
Meanwhile Loki (Tom Hiddleston-War Horse, Thor, Avengers) is rotting in the Asgard dungeon with a bunch of the dudes Thor just beat on. He is visited by his mother Frigga (Rene Russo-Outbreak, Ransom, the Thomas Crown Affair (note-she is naked in like 80% of that film if you are interested)) who is the only reason he hasn’t done the hemp fandango (life note-if you are the female relative or significant other of an action guy in a movie or video game but don’t actually kick ass yourself there is about a 70% chance you will die in order to give the protagonist motivation. Be warned).
Tales are told of the defeat of the Dark Elves (by the way, if you happen to play Warhammer you will be shocked at how either this film ripped off Games Workshop or Games Workshop ripped off Marvel. My money would be on Games Workshop doing the ripping off. You can’t tell me Tyranids are not HR Giger Aliens) and how they all died, but apparently a bunch of them hid in hibernation for millenia until their magic zero gravity red Silly Putty was rediscovered or all the realms align or something (details are suspiciously vague. A lot of this script felt very half assed). Super scientist Jane uses her PKE to find a location where the walls between worlds are thin and after seeing the Laws of Thermodynamics sexually molested again falls into another realm. The red Silly Putty (the name in the movie is the Aether, I think) is in a crack between a floating menhir and a big plinth (yes, I know. Google it you lazy bastards). Being the super scientist that she is she figures the best way to investigate would be to stick a finger in and the Aether enters her body (her scientist sense must have told her it wasn’t radioactive or anything).
She ends up back on Earth in time for Thor to arrive and discover she has the red scabies. He ports her back to Asgard where she is treated like a short bus child (I guess she kind of is to them). Meanwhile one of the prisoners in the dungeon with Loki turns out to be a Dark Elf (I can’t type that term without wanting to talk about the new Army Book that just came out. Warlocks are way overpowered IMO) who is one of the Kursed, a suicide super soldier of sorts. He breaks out and frees all the other prisoners except for Loki and tears ass through Asgard. Meanwhile more Dark Elves (why did they move RBTs from Rare to Special? It just means more uniformity of army builds IMO) arrive. They are attacking to capture Jane and extract the red menace from her and put it into a super weapon to destroy the universe. Frigga gets killed.
At that point Loki joins up to get revenge for the death of his mother. Thor has to go against Odin (Anthony Hopkins-the Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, the Elephant Man) and needs Loki to sneak out of Asgard. About 30 small stories that could have developed into something are planted and then left to rot (like Sif secretly loving Thor, or some look at the motivation behind the Dark Elves (now Dark Steeds have the Fast Cav rule? That is pretty awesome)). Stuff gets blown up, and crazy man Eric Selvig invents metal tiki torches that teleport Dark Elves (he must be using Lore of Shadow) around because of science(???).
I don’t want to spoil the plot twist but I will say it was at the same time painfully obvious and drawn from the deepest recesses of the writers deepest ass. A plot twist is one thing, but having some random bulls&*% happen at the end is just dumb. It’s like if at the end of Saving Private Ryan the bridge was saved by an army of ninja clown paratroopers dropping in.
The stars.
Loki was pretty awesome, and every scene with him actually had nuance and character. I’d be willing to bet one writer with talent was working on him exclusively. Two stars. There were some good humor moments. One star. Action was good, and Thor’s hammer Mjölnir was even cooler than it was in the last movie. One star. CGI was as always flawless, and the 3D managed to add to the film rather than detract from it. One star. I really like that the filmmakers didn’t just roll with the idea that everyone in the Universe speaks American English and actually had the Dark Elves (at least they lost the reverse ward save) speaking a different language with subtitles. Movies that assume I know how to read please me. One star. The Dark Elves themselves (access to all the lores adds a lot of flexibility, but the vast majority of them are going to just go Mindrazor FTW) were pretty cool. One star. Pacing and editing was nearly perfect. One star. Overall I enjoyed myself. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes.
Just not terribly well written. Plot holes and little to no attempt to explain anything. I’m not looking for a thesis paper here but if you are going to teleport bad guys all over the place at least make up a fake scientific reason why that is happening or how it was developed. One black hole. There was nothing of the character development that went so well in the last one. One black hole. I really wanted to know more about the Dark Elves (why oh why do they now also have ASF?), Jane’s research, Odin, Thor, Frigga, Sif, or any number of other cool sub plots that were tossed out with the bathwater. If you hadn’t seen the first movie this film would have felt really inadequate. One black hole. There was no actual chemistry between Jane and Thor, and honestly the film might have been better without her. One black hole. If you have high tech anti aircraft guns why do you go after guys on the ground with swords? The fight against the Dark Elves (at least they are still Toughness 3) might have gone a lot better if the Asgard forces had walked in with SPAS 12 gauges. Pick one or the other. One black hole. The plot twist just spontaneously manifesting itself as if by the will of God. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Not horrible, but not what I want from a Marvel comic book movie. Kind of meh. The action is good, and Loki is fun. If that is enough for you go see it on a big screen in 3D. If you want more than maybe wait for NetFlix. Just not great. I feel no need to ever see it again. Date movie? Meh. At least Chris Hemsworth keeps his shirt on, so you will only have to deal with his long hair, rugged good looks, and sexy accent when being compared to by your date. Bathroom break? Any of the “romance” scenes between Thor and Jane are 100% disposable. Go nuts.
Thanks for reading. I will have something up tomorrow I promise. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have a comment on this film or my review post it here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 76 The Cloud Minders
This is one of those episodes I only vaguely remember seeing as a kid and therefore was not a huge influence on my life. However, seeing it as an adult reminded me of the kinds of chances Roddenberry took with the show. You see, this episode was a clear comment on modern class and economic disparity. There were other shows that addressed class, but never had such a pro socialist message been delivered.
In a sense it’s kind of weird. Other episodes had been so pro America (Tomorrow is Yesterday and the Omega Glory) and anti hippy and alternative government (The Way to Eden) that this might seem at odds with the overriding message of Star Trek, but in truth the universe of Star Trek has always had a strong socialist trend. There is no real use of money (except Mudd’s Women I guess) and later on in TNG it is plain that in a society capable of producing enough resources for everyone there is no need for economic oppression. Still, the very pro blue collar message of this one seemed off a bit to me.
Not one of the best, but not horrible. The sky city was super cool, and there were plenty of fights with the miners to let Kirk show off his shoulder-roll martial expertize. The anger gas idea was cool, and an equitable solution was found in true Roddenberry fashion. 
Seems like a lot of Star Trek takes place in mines and caves, but I guess that’s really what the budget allowed (mine image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). They can’t all have massive painted backdrops I guess.
Dave
Enders Game Movie Review
A mixed bag of good and bad.
I’ll admit it has been years since I read Enders Game. In fact I think I read it when it was a novella (the book actually went through several revisions) as when I went home and reviewed the story it was closer to the movie than I remember. It was a good book, and good source material for a decent movie. However, what we got seemed to alternate between good and seat squirming bad.
The biggest issue here is the pacing. The book is a tremendous story (actually several different stories, depending on which version you read. Orson Scott Card likes to match his book to the political clime) that takes place over six years. This movie tries to incorporate all that but in truth leaves the entire movie rushed and feeling like there are a lot of missing scenes. The whole development of Ender as a military genius had a very organic approach, with him and his friends at age six figuring out how to beat the other teams in the zero gravity game. In time they become a very tight group who knew each other instinctively and worked together as a team. In this film it all seems to come together like a portrait made by tossing cans of paint into a tree shredder. All of a sudden there is a completed mess and not a dook of an idea how it all came together. I honestly am going to blame this on the director not being willing to cast several boys to play Ender at different ages.
Another problem is this film more or less starts off with the base assumption that Ender is the savior of the human race and everyone is just there to help him realize it. In the book he was just another kid recruited into the Battle School and over time exhibited his command potential, along with certain psychotic personality traits.
Yet another issue that the movie actually shares with the book is the squirmingly inappropriateness of recruiting preteen children to fight wars. It’s actually harder to watch here than in the book (although the book started them off at six). When you see a bunch of kids together your brain wants to channel a Disney film, and to then see a bad imitation of Gunnery Sergent Hartman from Full Metal Jacket yell and scream at them like they are in Li’l Tykes boot camp is just dumb. The whole time you see these kids learning to fight you can’t help but feel that this is just wrong on so many levels. One of the adult characters more or less says the same thing by mentioning that using anyone under the age of 15 to fight is a war crime, but the issue washes off the screen and is never really approached again.
On the other hand the film is very pretty if you like long video game trailers, and all the acting exceptional. I am a huge Ben Kingsley fan and he looks weirdly great with face tattoos. Harrison Ford is a welcome presence on any screen for me, and Asa Butterfield pulled his role off nicely. Like I said, there is a lot of good here too.
The story starts off with a personal bee in my jock strap, a monolog about how the Formics invaded Earth and were defeated by a hero named Mazer Rackham (I wish Hollywood would realize how out of the film a monolog really takes us. It is a lazy directors tool to get around actually having to film something). Skip forward 60 years and the Earth forces are preparing for the next big push on the Formics by training children (in the book the training took the form of increasingly complicated games (kind of like the title of this movie) but here it is all classroom stuff) to be the soldiers. 
Ender (Asa Butterfield-Hugo, the Boy in the Striped Pajamas, the Wolfman. Image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category (yes I know it’s not the same Wolfman. I only have so many resources)) beats another kid in a game and gets bullied by him afterwards. He beats the kid near to death and is expelled from the program.
Meanwhile Col. Graff (Harrison Ford-Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Blade Runner) decides that the cold blooded psychotic approach Ender took with the bully might be just what they need and with Major Anderson (Viola Davis-the Help, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Won’t Back Down) re-recruit him. He goes into orbit where Graff purposely alienates him for some reason (there was a lot of missing motivation in this film too) and he is more or less hated by his classmates. They don’t do any of the zero gravity games that were such a big part of the book until Ender is transferred to another group. There he has to deal with miserable bully Bonzo (Moises Arias-Hannah Montana, Despicable Me 2, the Kings of Summer) but meets good friend (and closest thing to a romance) Petra (Hailee Steinfeld-True Grit, She’s a Fox, Romeo & Juliet).
There he gets pushed around by Bonzo until he excels and is given his own army. His army beats Bonzo, who takes it the wrong way and tries to beat him up. In the fight Endor cracks Bonzo’s skull for him (in the book I think Bonzo dies) and feels so badly he resigns (again, missing motivation here really). Graff gets Enders sister Valentine (Abigail Breslin-Zombieland, Signs, Little Miss Sunshine) to talk him back. Once back in orbit he trains more. I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone who hasn’t read the book so sufficed to say aliens/human space battle is joined.
The stars:
Visually stunning, with great CGI and special effects. Camera work was really good too. Two stars. All the acting and casting was excellent, especially Asa and Harrison. Two stars. Sci fi movie. One star. Sci fi movie based on a book that made a strong effort to remain true to the book. One star. Ben Kingsley. One star. In the end a decent time watching. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes:
The pacing issues really hurt the story, giving you little connection to the continuity of the plot and consequently made me not really get invested into the characters. A lot of good stuff got cut out I think. Two black holes. The whole child soldier thing was really off putting. One black hole. There were a lot of unexplained motivations, like why Ender even wanted to be in the program and then later why did he quit? One black hole. The ending, while true to the book, was truly underwhelming and opened up a whole new box of unanswered questions. I guess they are setting up for the movie version of Speaker of the Dead, but while Enders Game was great that book was garbage. Bottom line the whole movie kind of puttered out. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A total of four stars. Decent, but based on having seen about 100,000 trailers all of which seemed more interesting and exciting than the actual movie I was expecting more. I’ve noticed that I tend to come down harder on films that are based on books I have read, but I really tried to see this film as a stand alone project. Should you see it? If you read the book, like science fiction, and are not bothered by pacing and continuity issues absolutely. See it on the biggest screen you can track down. It will be worth it. Date movie? Probably not. There isn’t the slightest whiff of romance in this film, and the cute kid is kind of off putting as a young sociopath. I’d choose something else, although I don’t know what based on what is out right now. Kind of a dearth of date friendly movies. Maybe Free Birds?
Thanks for reading as always. I’ll try to see at least one more movie this weekend. Maybe two. Follow me on Twitter for review announcements. If you have a comment on this film or my review feel free to post them here, but I get a lot of spam so don’t hate me if I accidentally delete it. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks and have a great night.
Dave
