The Counselor Movie Review
WTF?
And I’m not talking about the last part of the week. There is an ugly trend in my movie going life in that directors that I used to love when I was just an avid casual movie viewer are losing their luster as I see every film and realize that even the greats are capable of producing crap. Robert Rodriguez, Luc Besson, and even to a lessor extent Martin Scorsese (he should have never gotten involved in the Family even as a producer) have fallen prey to my current film perspective. So far only Quentin Tarantino has proven immune to this (for obvious reasons).
My love of Ridley Scott took a hard punch to the nuts when I realized I didn’t like Prometheus. However, one bad film is not enough to turn me off on a director. Neither is two, but two in a row is a bad trend. This film is not No Country for Old Men. It is not even the Road. It is a prosaic collection of mind numbing dialog and impossible to follow plot twists within plot twists. I’ve seen unnecessarily convoluted before, but this makes those look like they were drawn on a wall with a laser level. I think a director should see some kind of warning sign when you are introducing characters with a back story and development in the last 15 minutes of the film.
Weirdly enough, in spite of the fact that the story was impossible to follow the actual events couldn’t have been more telegraphed if the audience had had Western Union deliver a script a week before viewing. One of the main-ish characters tells a the main dude that he is going to get into trouble being involved with the Mexican drug cartel and sure enough, bad things happen. He tells a story about a horrible execution device in foreshadowing as dark as a mime’s heart and sure enough, we get to see it happen. Predictable doesn’t begin to describe it.
Speaking of stories, if you like characters telling long, rambling tales and dispensing inane homey wisdom at the drop of a hat this is the movie for you. The only reason to like Michael Fassbinders character is he is the only one who is not constantly going off on weird ass irrelevant dialog tangents that do nothing for the story other than clog it down. I spent most of the film struggling to figure out what the hell was going on and having every character tell another creepy sex or dog story made it like trying to untangle a huge ball of yarn while wearing boxing gloves.
Sigh. Acting was pretty good, but that is probably the result of the individual actors talent. Ridley told Cameron Diaz to play a bitchy, sexy, double crossing sociopath and she was able to do it. Fassbinder was told to be a lame tool in over his head and like magic the character appeared. The massively talented cast helped make this film more bearable, but not more watchable.
This film felt like Ridley Scott had a secret, more coherent script in his head that only he could see or understand. That is the only explanation I can think of for the disjointed, incoherent plot. There are twists within twists, and for the life of me I still can’t figure out who the bad guys were supposed to be. Major characters are introduced willy nilly only to die off or vanish into the ether. If you are a fan of knowing what the hell is going on I’d say this is not the movie for you.
The story recap may be my biggest challenge since I started doing these reviews. I didn’t understand a lot of it, and there is a lot of detail to remember. If being confused annoys you skip ahead to the stars and black holes.
The Counselor (no name in the credits, which I find annoying like The Voice or The Kid in Getaway. I am going to just call him Fassbinder, which ironically is more letters to type then Counselor but infinitely less on my jock. Oh, yeah. Michael Fassbinder-X-Men First Class, Prometheus, Inglorious Basterds) is in bed with his hot girlfriend Laura (Penélope Cruz-Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides, Blow, Vanilla Sky) having creepy sex (this pattern would continue for most of the time the two of them got together. Most of the scenes with the two of them sounded like a soft core phone sex operator). He needs a lot of money for some reason (?) and hooks up with old friend and sort of gangster Reiner (Javier Bardem-No Country for Old Men, Skyfall, the Sea Inside), who does something (??) for an unnamed Mexican Cartel. Reiner has a super hot and blatantly evil (I mean more evil than all women are intrinsically. Not that I’m bitter) girlfriend named Malkina (Cameron Diaz-There’s Something About Mary, Shrek, Gangs of New York) who by his own admission is super sexy, super smart, and super evil. She is doing something for Reiner with computer screens (???) and seems to know everything about his business. Fassbinder wants to get in on the drug trade and apparently can for a certain amount of money (?x4. How does this work? Don’t drug dealers get paid by the buyers, not douchy lawyers who don’t do anything but answer the phone?)
Anyway, all the drugs are loaded into a sewage truck and drive from Mexico (I guess) to Chicago (with Arizona plates. Who transports sewage thousands of miles?). They make a stop and remove some kind of critical driving component (?x5). Meanwhile Fassbinder meets with Ruth (Rosie Perez-White Men Can’t Jump, Pineapple Express, Won’t Back Down), some kind of local crime queenpin (?x6) who he is representing for some offense. She asks him to get her son out of jail for a speeding ticket at 206 MPH on a bike. He does and it turns out the son is a crime courier who gets the secret truck component and hides it in his helmet.
Fassbinder hooks up with Westray (Brad Pitt-Fight Club, World War Z, Inglorious Basterds), who does something (?x7) for the drug guys (or someone). Maybe money laundering. About 800 people tell Fassbinder he is in over his head and bad things are going happen eventually.
Some dude who works for someone (?x8) stretches a wire across the road and cuts off Ruth’s sons head to get the mystery truck component. He and another dude steal the truck. Fassbinder, Reiner, and Westray are now in trouble with the bad guys (who are who, exactly? We never see anyone other than the henchman). Things seem to fall apart fast. Some other dudes who work for what sounds like the original drug cartel (maybe. ?x9 I guess) steal the truck in a highway robbery. They repair the truck and send it to Chicago where it ends up where it was supposed to go in the first place I think.
Reiner gets killed in a botched kidnapping. Westray is seduced by a hot blond girl (maybe. The never showed any details) who steals the one password to all his money accounts and gives it to Malkina, who may or may not be behind this whole mess. He gets his head cut off while Fassbinder is trying to find a way to save a kidnapped Laura. Lots of loose ends are left flying while a few get resolved sort of. Honestly it’s all really confusing and would require a couple more viewings to really understand, something I am most definitely not willing to do.
The Stars:
Acting was good all around. Two stars. Camera work and editing about as flawless as one would expect from a truly amazing director. One star. Cameron Diaz looks super hot as a conniving evil bitch. Also she had a really sexy tattoo. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes:
OMG confusing as hell. Who was stealing from whom? Where are the actual villains? What jobs do any of these guys do? How did any of the characters to any of the stuff they did? Why was in necessary to show Fassbinder flying to Amsterdam to buy the world’s sexiest diamond for his engagement ring to Laura? Three black holes. Boring as hell. IMDB should be ashamed to classify this as Crime/Drama/Thriller as the only thing thrilling in this thing was…actually nothing was thrilling in here. What very limited action there was was perfunctory at best. Lots of scenes of slow moving sewage trucks traveling along dirt roads. Two black holes. Listening to the dialog was like trying to set the world record for eating sawdust; boring, tasteless, and completely without nutritional value. I never want to hear anyone tell any kind of story ever again. Two black holes. In spite of running a grinding 117 minutes it felt like about 100 minutes of expository scenes landed on the cutting room floor. I guess explaining to the audience what the deal is runs second to listening to a wise man tell Fassbinder about a Mexican poet in a 10 minute conversation that can be summed up with the words “You’re screwed”. This film felt weirdly long and short at the same time. One black hole. Rated R and no real nudity. Throw me a frickin’ bone here, people. Give me something more than side boob please. One black hole. Characters popped up and disappeared like the world’s largest Wack-a-Mole. Was it really necessary to give them all a back story and character development? One black hole. What the hell was the deal with the truck component? It looked like you could fix that truck with some baling wire and chewing gum, and if the truck couldn’t drive without the mystery grommet why send it hundreds of miles away by Speedy Delivery Guy? Sorry but that point is really grinding my gears (haw!). Also if the bad guys knew where the truck was couldn’t they have just towed it, or transferred the drugs to another truck? Why no guards on your $20,000,000 worth of cocaine? One black hole. A bunch of other dumb plot holes that might not have seemed so huge had I a clue who was doing what and why. One black hole. Who the hell was Ruth? One black hole. Predicable as the tides. One black hole. The overall message (getting involved with a Mexican drug cartel is a bad idea) was about as obvious and impactful as saying giving yourself a Ghost Pepper Sauce enema is a bad idea. One black hole. Total: 15 black holes.
Wow. 11 total black holes. This might be my worst movie so far this year. It is definitely my most disappointing. Watching a massive collection of talent such as Ridley Scott, Cormac McCarthy, Michael Fassbinder, and Cameron Diaz get together and s&*% the bed is 100,000 times more disappointing than watching Adam Sandler create another comedy a-bomb. It’s like meeting the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny in a dark alley and having them curb stomp you and steal your shoes. Worth seeing at all? If following a plot is a secondary goal (or you are some kind of super genius) I suppose. It is pretty and the acting is good. 
If you are going because you love Cormac McCarthy movies you should immediately seek psychological counseling (haw!) but honestly this film will only hurt your love of his work (image courtesy of the funny t-shirt category). I’m going to counsel you to stay away (haw again! I’m on a roll tonight). Date movie? Only if your date is super smart and likes to show you how much better she is at figuring out movie plots or super dumb and used to being confused at movies. If she is in the 85-130 IQ range no way. Bathroom break? This film is so confusing there is not a single scene that would further damage your comprehension by missing so go nuts. There is some resolution in the last 20 minutes so I’d say go in the first 97 minutes. Any time you see the sewage truck is a good time (and possible inspiration).
Thanks for reading. This is one where I hope I can help you not have a bad evening. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you think I am an idiot or agree with my assessment feel free to comment here, and if you have an off topic suggestion, question, or death threat feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Escape Plan Movie Review
If the plan was to make a halfway decent action movie I guess it succeeded.
I actually saw this almost a week ago and haven’t gotten around to writing it up. I’m not sure why I have been less than motivated. I guess because this film is neither brilliant or bad. Middle of the road is dead boring for me to write up.
This film tanked horrible at the box office, a fact that does not bode well for the action careers of either Stallone or Governor Schwarzenegger (both of whom had other action films flop recently; most notably Bullet to the Head for Sly and the Last Stand for the Gov). While none of the recent crop of action films are worthy of winning an award of some kind (unless the NRA is giving out awards for ammo expenditure) none of them could be considered really horrible (except for A Good Day to Die Hard, but that should go without saying), thus leaving us with the question as to why all our classic action heroes are failing.
Honestly, I think it’s a change in the nature of the audience. If you look at what is popular in TV, movie, and music male stars it is no longer muscled burly manly men but rather girls who happen to have been born with a penis. Sure they might have the chiseled abs of a Greek statue but when you get up close they are just girly men who are in really good shape. Most of them look like you could knock them unconscious with a feather duster. The guys who actually look like men are relegated to the level of villain (and even most of those guys are girlish).
This bodes ill for the future of the action movie genre in my opinion. Can you name a new action hero worth anything in the last few years? The most recent new guy would have to be Jason Stratham, but even his films like Parker are sucking bad. Guns, guts, and brawn are no longer enough to make for box office success. You need fit, non threatening man/boys who girls can identify with.
The other issue with the new “breed” of action hero is most of them will never be capable of creating a legacy. Say what you will about Bruce Lee, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, or any of the others but at the end of the day they each could kick your ass seven ways to Sunday. Not only do they look dangerous, but you know they are dangerous. I suppose there is some hope derived from Dwayne Johnson, but if he keeps doing kid friendly comedies the genre is doomed. (Expendables image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
By the way, Stallone must have a thing for prison escape films. As far as I can tell this is the third film wherein he escapes from a maximum security prison. The other two I can think of are Lockup and Tango and Cash (eww. You made me think of Tango and Cash. Thanks a lot, Escape Plan). Also didn’t Schwarzenegger start off the Running Man buy escaping from a prison?
I’m not going to say this film is all that. In fact, if I were to dissect it with my usual cruel precision I could find any number of dumb issued to take up with it. However, you don’t got to SDSU for a quality education and you don’t go to Chuck E. Cheese’s to buy crystal meth, although you may find either by coincidence if you are lucky or unlucky. You go to an action movie to see action, and if by happy coincidence a quality movie lands in your lap happy day!
The story starts out with Ray Breslin (Sylvester Stallone-Rocky, Rambo, Copland) in prison effecting a masterful breakout. Turns out he is a security expert hired by the prison system to make sure prisons are escape proof. He is aided by his partner Lester (Vincent D’Onofrio-Full Metal Jacket(Gomer Pyle!), Ed Wood, the Cell), his tech sidekick (50 Cent-Real Steel, the Hangover, White Chicks) and kinda hot girl Abagail (Amy Ryan-Before the Devil Knows You are Dead, Win Win, Gone Baby Gone). He breaks out of prison only to be hired by a CIA lawyer to test out a brand new top secret prison.
Once inside the prison he discovers it to be unlike any other he has ever seen. They are in giant glass cubes with jackbooted, masked guards. There he meets Emil Rottmeyer (Arnold Schwarzenegger-the Terminator, Predator, Kindergarten Cop) and warden Hobbes (Jim Caviezel-the Thin Red Line, Person of Interest, the Count of Monte Cristo). This is his first sign that something is wrong as the warden was supposed to be someone else.
For some reason the people who hired him want him to not get out ever (this at first seemed to be a major plot hole but later resolved itself nicely). Emil befriends him and starts working on his escape plan. At that point you know all you need to know about the story, except that the entire plot relies entirely on a series of fortuitous coincidences that would embarrass a Harry Potter novel. Deus ex machina-ago-go.
The stars.
Natch I have to give a star each for Stallone and the Terminator. No matter how bad a film may be they always put a happy smile on my face. Two stars. The story, while far fetched, was a little more complicated than the typical action film these days. One star. As I sit here thinking about it I realize it was kind of original, something I thought was verboten in Hollywood these days. One star. I actually enjoy any escape plan movie (or high tech burglary movie, for that matter). One star. At the end of the film I decided I had had fun (to my surprise). Two stars. Total: seven stars.
The black holes.
The biggest anchor on this film is the respective egos of both of the two stars. Neither one of them is willing to be anything less than the coolest, most actiony action star on the screen and it gets a little ridiculous after a while. Two black holes. The whole plot could have fallen apart if it weren’t for the writer holding it up with coincidence after coincidence like a father running along side a kid trying to learn to ride a bicycle. One black hole. For a movie that started off as kind of a thinker it shifts gears in the last 20 minutes into a dumb shooter with Arnold mowing down dozens of bad guys who can’t hit the broad side of a barn from inside the barn. It actually gets kind of comedic. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. Meh. I was also kinder with the black holes than I could have been. It’s not awesome, but it’s not awful. If you like action movies that star guys who look like they have a Y chromosome you will probably enjoy it. If guys like Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner are your idea of the perfect male specimen than odds are give it a pass. Due to the fact that most of this film takes place in fairly tight spaces you could probably watch it at home and not miss much. Date movie? Another meh. Bathroom break? Nothing jumps out at me. About halfway through there is a scene where Arnold is babbling in German than could be missed.
Thanks for reading. I’m seeing something tonight and will write it up tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu for the three times a week I tweet something (I secretly hate social media). Feel free to post here if you have a thought on this film or my review, or email me at [email protected] if you have an off topic question or suggestion. Thanks again and have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 77 The Savage Curtain
Yes I’m back on this. I can’t start a project and let it fail after only completing 2/79 parts. It would be much more my style to have it fail after completing 76/79 parts. Also I personally own so many Star Trek t shirts that every morning as I get dressed I feel guilty for letting this series fall by the wayside and I have enough guilt for actual bad things in my life.
So the Savage Curtain. If there were one item to epitomize what was wrong with Season 3 it would have to be Abe Lincoln in space (yes, the suicide planet, hippies in space, and telekinetic Greeks all have their place but this one is at the top. For the record Spocks Brain was at the end of Season 2). Honestly, how does having Kirk and Spock dream up good guys and bad guys and get into a fist fight with them tell the turd monsters (sorry, the Excalbians)? What if Kirk had slipped on a rock and broke his skull open, leaving the Excalbians understanding of good and evil to a minor twist of fate?
(Honestly I don’t think good and evil are that hard to understand. I have an understanding and am happy to have chosen ev…I mean good!)
For that matter, who appointed Kirk and Spock as the universal representatives of good? Wasn’t it established in The Enemy Within that Kirk is comprised of both good and evil parts? I’d say a laundry list of intergalactic booty calls and half breed alien bastard children might have a thing of two to say about him from a moral perspective. Didn’t he let a super hot innocent girl walk in front of a truck in order to save his future? What about the other future full of people that he just destroyed? And Spock would let 1,000,000 people die if it meant saving 1,000,001 people. Not a lot of morality in that equation.
Finally, the real problem with this episode is they were really running out of ideas and opted to just remake Arena without the Gorn. I’m not saying I hate this episode. Only that the signs that the series was running out of steam were pretty strong. I sometimes wish for a fourth season but really when you think about it this shows the trend. Who knows what bad ideas would have arisen in season 4? A racist cartoon rabbit that talks with a lisp? Kirk being replaced by a captain with no hair? A complete reboot where the entire universe gets more stupid and Star Wars-y with no nod towards Gene Roddenberry’s vision? No, in those halcyon days such things were decades in the future.
Dave
Bad Grampa Movie Review
Bad grampa, good movie.
Actually that’s not true. This should not in any way be mistake for a good film. 
Anyone who tells you it is good is lying through their teeth and is in current danger of having their pants burst into flame (image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category).
No, this film is not good. What it is is enjoyable. Like rainbow sherbert, the music of Aqua, and my dreams of conquering this entire planet Jackass is a guilty pleasure that I enjoy watching but am always going to be a little embarrassed to admit I enjoy, at least among my more sophisticated, forward thinking, and politically correct (and less fun) friends. I saw the first one in a theater with a good friend of mine and about 300 teenagers and laughed so hard my stomach ached for days. I almost chocked to death laughing at Roller Disco Truck and still get a giggle thinking about it.
I guess you have to have a certain mindset to be past your college age and still into watching guys punch each other in the balls. It helps that I skated a lot when I was younger and had a crew that was not dissimilar to the Jackass crew (minus all the girls, financial success, and cameras. Also we tended to steer clear of anything in the body waste vicinity). When I see the Jackass crew doing their thing I can identify with them and their antics. I’m not really interested in participating, but I can understand the motivation and humor behind it.
So Bad Grampa. Like I said I have an appreciation of the series that got these guys started. That being said this is not Jackass. I did find myself laughing hysterically at parts, but like a good episode of Saturday Night Live the fact that Jackass is broken up into little vignettes gives you a chance to appreciated everything about it. Honestly after a while I got fairly tired of Johnny Knoxville in his old man suit and the attempt at developing a story left me flat. But then would come a new scene (usually involving the kid) that would get me laughing my ass off all over again. The laughs were not non-stop, however, and while this film borrowed a lot from Borat honestly it didn’t borrow enough.
The hardest part of this film was trying to figure out if this was an extended Jackass skit or an actual movie. The thing Borat did was commit completely, but here you see Knoxville as an old man and then watch him vault over a railing like a professional stuntman. The whole time it felt like the camera was about to cut away to Steve O, Bam, and Wee Man laughing their ass off. I was too polished for Jackass but lacked the polish of a real film.
On the other hand, I spent most of the film experiencing a warm, nostalgic glow for the car Knoxville was driving around, an ’81 Lincoln. You see, I had the cheaper version of that car, a ’79 Thunderbird, back in college and loved it with all my heart (for those of you who no very little about actual cool cars (instead of cars that just go fast and look like sharks) Lincoln is the high end version of Ford, and they used the same basic design with more luxury features). It was the biggest 2 door Ford ever made and had the imprint and presence of a battleship. If you drive a SmartCar or Mini Cooper understand that I would take that beast against any number of your toy cars and most likely come out on top, and also that you suck. Saving money is one thing, but doing so while looking like a complete tool is another. (Sadly my beloved T-Bird got ran into a ditch and I had to cut it up with a plasma cutter in order to get rid of it. Long story, but the bottom line is I barely felt the crash and looked cool while wrecking it)
I don’t know if I even need to do a review. If you like Jackass you will probably see it and enjoy it. If you don’t you will not and would probably rather spend the evening enjoying a raucous wine and cheese party where you can discuss what Terrance Malick is going to do to follow up on his “brilliant” Tree of Life (IMO probably just film himself vomiting in a white room for two hours, except that at least would be somewhat entertaining from the Jackass perspective). Nothing I say here will probably influence you in any way.
I suppose this is what I don’t get paid for, so let’s go. The story is merely a skeleton upon which to hang all the stunts on, but there is a story so I guess I should recap it. Irving Zisman (Johnny Knoxville-Jackass, Nitro Circus, the Dukes of Hazard) is informed of his wife’s death. At her funeral his daughter shows up with his grandson Billy (Jackson Nicoll-Fun Sized, Arthur, the Fighter) to tell him that she is going back to jail and he needs to take Billy to his son-in-law in Raleigh.
That’s pretty much it. The entirety of the plot is delivered in the first 10 minutes. At that point it is just Irving and Billy bouncing from one set piece to another, screwing with locals and a tour of the American South. Rather than actually play up the bad grampa aspect of the story (Knoxville’s character vacillates between a horny old dude and just a grampa. He honestly didn’t make it bad enough. Bad Santa and Role Model did it way better) they just sort of find real people to screw with. There are some scenes that will have you rolling on the floor and others that will have you underwhelmed with “meh”.
The stars. There are some scenes that will have you losing it with laughter, especially the last skit. Three stars. If you like the Jackass scene this film will work for you. Two stars. The car ruled. One star. That kid Jackson is really funny, and I wish I had half his cojones today, much less when I was eight. One star. Overall a fun time watching. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. If you want a story or any thing else that makes for a decent movie pass. One black hole. The whole “is it Jackass or a movie” lack of tone thing. One black hole. The Johnny Knoxville old man skit gets tired fairly quickly. I remember thinking they ran it too long in the first Jackass movie. Basically taking what should be 15 minutes and making it into a full movie. One black hole. Rated R and not a boob in sight (literally). One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of five stars, but like I said my thumbs up or down has no meaning whatsoever. You will see it if you are going to see it and if you are not all the bonbons in Dusseldorf will not motivate you to go. Date movie? Probably not, unless she is a fan of Jackass (and know that I am jealous and hate you). Bathroom break? The scene at the bar where Irving and Billy meet up with Billy’s father extends out and doesn’t do much. Hurry back though as you are a few minutes away from the best scene in the movie.
Thanks for reading. I will see something else later today, and still have Escape Plan to write up. If you enjoyed this review scroll down and check out some of my older ones (if you didn’t enjoy it why are you still reading? Go away). Feel free to comment on this film or review here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected] (I am not adverse to contributing to other blog websites). Talk to you soon.
Dave
Carrie Movie Review
Carrie, Carrie quite contrary. Why was this movie made?
I’ll give you all fair warning: this review is going to have a lot of me bitching about and bemoaning my own miserable high school experience (or, as I like to think of it “The years whose name must not be spoken”). To say this movie struck a nerve or two with me is like saying being eaten alive by fire ants is an unpleasant way to die or George Lucas has ruined his legacy. However, you know how the saying goes: cows moo, pings oink, Dave bitches about high school. Read on if you are cool with it.
The real question here (and the same question that came up in movies like Footloose and Red Dawn) is “Why did this film have to be made?” It has been years since I saw the original Carrie (image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category) so I had to look up the plot in order to make sure my impressions were correct and sure enough this one is almost a scene for scene remake (with some YouTube thrown in). Remakes are as always a sure sign that Hollywood has just given up on the whole original idea thing (hey, creativity is hard work) and as the trend continues we can expect to see inevitable remakes of Citizen Kane, Blade Runner, Alien, Dumb & Dumber, and the Neverending Story (oh, wait. That last one is in production). Since there were two other remakes for Carrie done already (one for TV and one for something else I forget) this is actually the fourth Carrie, so I guess in three years we can look for another Carrie starring Willow Smith.
Where this film differs from the original is in tone and scope. The first film was a true horror film in the sense that Carrie goes nuts and mind murders her entire class. This film is more a teenage outsider angst drama with 20 minutes of action but none of the horrible dread that so made the first film work. Only the real trouble makers get killed, the gym teacher survives, and you tend to lose your hatred of Chris (the main bitch) when she is pleading with her daddy via text to come rescue her. A true horror film has one (and only one) survivor, not a bunch of kids sitting on the lawn while firefighters come to save them.
That being said, the fantasy of the alienated outsider gaining super powers and using them to kill most of his or her school mates is one that sat heavily in my mind from 1st grade up until my 30th birthday. In most films you are supposed to identify with the protagonist and revile the antagonist. When a film has you thinking “there but for the lack of mind powers goes I” while watching Carrie incinerate her class the film stops being a horror film and kind of turns into a dark comedy. I’m sure for those of you who enjoyed high school and didn’t view each school morning with the dread of a prisoner walking the Green Mile this film looks pretty awful but there was a big part of me wishing for a higher body count.
The story. If you have seen the original Carrie skip ahead a few paragraphs. If you haven’t and find them annoying there are a bunch of spoilers incoming so SPOILER ALERT. It starts out with Margaret (Julianne Moore-Crazy, Stupid Love, Children of Men, Magnolia) having the creepiest birthing scene since It (another film that is on deck for a remake. Can’t wait). She has a child who grows up into Carrie (Chloe Grace Moretz-Kick Ass, Hugo, Let Me In). Margaret is a crazy super religious nut and more or less raises Carrie in a Bible Skinner box. Chloe has an awkward menstruation episode in the shower at school and thinks she is bleeding to death. Her classmates, headed by main bitch Chris (Portia Doubleday-18, Youth in Revolt, Big Mammas: Life Father, Like Son) and Sue Snell (Gabriella Wilde-the Three Musketeers, Dark Horse, Endless Love), throw tampons at her and make fun of her. Chris films it on her phone. While this is going on a lightbulb bursts. Carrie is rescued by Mrs. Desjardin (Judy Greer-Three Kings, the Village, What Women Want), the PE teacher.
Carrie is picked up by her mother and locked in her prayer closet. Over the next few days Chris posts the video on YouTube and has the whole school laughing at her. Meanwhile Carrie is discovering she has telekinetic abilities and is researching and practicing with them. Mrs. Desjardin is pissed at the whole group of girls and forces them to do punishing exercises. Chris refuses and is expelled and banned from the prom.
Sue is feeling guilty and gets her boyfriend Tommy (Ansel Elgort-first film credit) to ask Carrie to the prom. At first she refuses but he shows up at her house and she agrees (with some encouragement from Mrs. Desjardin). Chris is pissed and gets her hoodlum boyfriend Billy (Alex Russell-the Host, Chronicle, Wasted on the Young) to kill a pig and rig a bucket with it’s blood over the stage at prom. She arranges for the king and queen vote to be rigged and Tommy and Carrie are voted in. On the stage the blood is drenched on Carrie and the bucket falls, knocking out Tommy. Carrie thinks everyone is laughing at her and goes on a mad TK killing spree, ending with the death of Chris and Billy in their car.
She eventually ends up home and washes the blood off. Her mother finds her and they pray together, but Margaret stabs Carrie in the back with a knife convinced she is a witch. Carrie kills her as Sue arrives to help her. More TK nonsense ensues leaving Sue pregnant.
The stars:
Very well executed. The director Kimberly Peirce also did Stop-Loss and Boys Don’t Cry and her expertise shines through. Two stars. I am hesitant to give this film a star for story as you literally can’t get more derivative but if this were a stand alone film I would reward the plot, so one star. All the acting was excellent, and the characters all very believable. The bitch is a bitch, the hood a hood, the little goody goody a goody goody, and the alienated religious girl just as troubled as you would believe. One star. A bonus star each for both Chloe and Juliane. Both were awesome characters and very well portrayed. Two stars. If you have a burning hatred of your high school experience and all the little pretty children who went to prom (guess who was working at a pizza restaurant that night instead of attending? I spent most of the evening hoping they all got each other pregnant) than the last 20 minutes are very gratifying. One star. In spite of the first 60 minutes being all high school drama and build up I thought the pacing was excellent. I was engaged the whole time and never felt the need for a fast forward button. One star. Total: eight stars.
The black holes:
This film will get a black hole from me until someone can explain to me what function was served by actually making it. Remakes are like wearing water wings in a wading pool. One black hole. I don’t know where Kimberly Peirce went to high school but if I were to hazard a guess I’d say it was the world of the Time Machine where all the fat, ugly, nerdy, pimply kids were forced to move underground as Morlocks leaving the beautiful Eloi above ground to attend the Prom. One of the reasons Chloe worked as Carrie is until she dresses up for the prom she is the least attractive girl in the film and you know that is saying a lot. Normally I reward films for only casting hot chicks but in this case I really think a kid with self esteem issues (i.e. all of them) could really be damaged. Also all the dudes were pretty much hot chicks too if you know what I mean. One black hole. This film failed to really strike a tone. Was it a horror flick or a teeney bopper coming of age film with 20 minutes of blood? Were we supposed to hate Chris or feel sympathy for her? Are we supposed to identify with Carrie or Sue? A lot of grey in this film. One black hole. This film ate the rated R pie and then toned down the actual horror and violence anyway. Without the cussing it really was straddling the PG-13 line. It definitely felt softer than the first film. If you are going to draw a zero comp on your Warhammer army anyway I say make it as broken as possible. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A total of four stars. Not bad. If you are a fan of Chloe or never say the first Carrie I’d say this is well worth your time. However there is nothing really hear to require a big screen. Even the action horror parts of the film would not have look out of place on an after school special. There was only one scene that had the potential for visual excellence and it cut short super fast. Date movie? Odds are your date has fond memories of prom night and therefore you should probably steer clear. Bathroom break? You absolutely don’t want to miss Prom night but the rest of the film really is just so much lead up. I’d say any scene up until Carrie finishes making her dress is disposable.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something else tonight and write it up tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have a comment on this review or the movie feel free to post it here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion email me at [email protected] (single ladies are especially welcome to take advantage of this option). Have a great night.
Dave
Captain Phillips Review
There are certain iconic cultural items that when added to any movie, video game, TV show, or general life situation automatically ramp it up a few points on the awesome scale. They are like the bacon bits of life and include zombies, warp drives, time travel, jet packs, crossbows (or spear guns), grizzly bears, witch doctors, cyborgs, tanks, and super hot bikini clad girl ninja assassins (or ninjas in general, but I really go for the martial artist who has mastered the art of cleavage distraction along with throwing stars). Lord knows any one of these would have livened up my last horrible dating experience.
Pirates is another one of these magical spices of life, so this movie already started on the plus side of awesome. The fact that it stars the great Tom Hanks and is otherwise pretty spectacular helps too, but let us not forget that this film would not have been made were it not for pirates. From Blackbeard to One Eyed Willy our lives are made better from the efforts of these seafaring rogues. (Pirate logo shirt comes from the Vintage T Shirt category)
I saw this a few days ago and enjoyed the hell out of it. It has all I really want from a film: Good story, excellent acting, some decent character development, and pirates. Naturally I woke up the next morning and was dismayed to learn that a lot of the Alabama’s crew have decried the story, saying that Captain Phillips was more than less responsible for what happened and he was not the paragon of virtue that this movie portrays. At first I was all “Is it not too much to ask that I be allowed to enjoy a film about pirates and SEAL snipers and not have to sucked into a lot of crap by guys who may or may not be telling the truth but who did not get trapped on a lifeboat?” I was a little bitter until I remembered that while this story is supposed to be based on the actual events this is Hollywood, where one man’s fabrication is a whole audiences truth and any controversy surrounding the events can be comfortably ignored if you just like the film.
Also, where are the books written by the rest of the crew? If I were to write the autobiography of my life I would definitely consider not including the story of the time I went out with a girl only to have her go full lesbian after sleeping with me (to her and her partner I wish them happiness, by the way). No one is going to write a story about events that they participated in and include the phrase “The whole episode could have been avoided if I hadn’t been such a greedy dumbass”. I really can’t hold it against Capt. Phillips if he glossed over a few of his mistakes.
Anyway, the story. Veteran ship captain and all around good guy Richard Phillips (Tom Hanks-Forest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, the Green Mile) leaves his loving wife to captain a container ship from some desolate 3rd world port to another. He joins his crew including Shane Murphy (Michael Chernus-Men in Black, the Bourne Legacy, Love and Other Drugs) and engineer Mike Perry (David Warshofsky-Lincoln, There Will Be Blood, Now You See Me). They plot a course past the Somali coast.
Meanwhile fisherman and pirate Muse (Barkhad Abdi-no other credits) is feeling the pressure from his war boss to capture a ship for ransom. He chooses a crew for his skiff including Bilal (Barkhad Abdirahman-no other credits), Najee (Faysal Ahmed-no other credits) and young Elmi (Mahat M. Ali). The team up with another skiff on a mothership and go hunting.
Captain Phillips has received warnings of increased pirate activity and puts the crew through a piracy drill. While this is going on Muse and his crew approach from the rear. Phillips and crew managed to avoid them and move out. The next day Muse returns and manages to board the ship. The crew hides in the engineering section while Muse captures Phillips and the bridge crew. Muse takes the captain on a search of the ship, looking for the rest of the crew.
Elmi manages to get injured and has to be returned to the bridge. The crew overpowers Muse and a trade of the money in the ship safe and the two captains is arranged. The pirates leave in the ship lifeboat but at the last minute keep Phillips.
Eventually the US Navy shows up and things start to get serious. Phillips attempts to bond with Muse and the rest of the crew, but to little avail. He helps young Elmi but Bilal is aggressive and violent. At one point he tries to swim off but is recaptured. Seals show up and set up snipers. If you watched the news you know how this ends. Muse gets captured and the rest of the pirates suffer bullet overdose.
The stars:
Powerful performances from both Tom Hanks and Barkhad Abdi. You really get sucked into the story. Two stars. The rest of the acting was very good too. One star. Pirates. One star. Navy SEALs. One star. I liked seeing a story based on events I had just seen on the news. It let me feel closer to the action. One star. An attempt was made to show the pirate motivation and the kinds of pressure they were getting from their bosses. Nice cultural overtone. One star. Overall a fun time and engaging story. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes:
I suppose I have to say something about the rest of the crew saying it was bogus. One black hole. After they get into the lifeboat the story kind of drags more than a little. You will find some sluggish moments there. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A total of six black holes. Not as good as Gravity IMO but still well worth seeing. However, I think this movie could be easily enjoyed in the comfort of your living room. Nothing in the film really requires a huge movie screen. If you are a fan of good film see it in a theater otherwise wait for NetFlix. Date movie? Meh. I kind of think this one won’t do much for you. Take her to see Gravity. Bathroom break? There are a ton of redundant scenes once they take off in the lifeboat. Don’t miss the last fifteen minutes however.
Thanks for reading. Short review but when I like a movie but not love it that is what you get. Feel free to follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review post them here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Machete Kills Movie Review
Killer of fun.
I, like many people, enjoy frozen yogurt. I usually go for french vanilla with strawberries and those mini M&M’s, or sometimes Reeces Pieces. I don’t do it often as it can be a lot of calories, but find it to be a nice treat for when I’m feeling self indulgent or am dealing with getting dumped (I guess I do eat a lot of frozen yogurt).
If the original Machete were my nice cup of frozen yogurt (and the trailer from Grindhouse the free sample on a wooden spoon) than Machete Kills is a water tower full of rancid yogurt with the output hose inserted into my mouth and turned on full blast until I have yogurt spurting from every orifice, ruining yogurt for ever and probably giving me diabetes. I’m sure you’ve heard of too much of a good thing, but this is too much of a bad thing that is supposed to be good but in the end is just bad.
(Machete poster from the Movie Tshirt category)
Don’t get me wrong. I am a big Danny Trejo fan, and think he is a great character actor. I loved him in Heat and From Dusk ’till Dawn, and he has been in at least two different zombie movies. I enjoyed Machete in that special bad/good sense that seems to guarantee cult movie status, and am glad his career has taken off. I hope to see him in any number of future productions.
I also used to be a Robert Rodriguez fan, but he seems to suffer from the same brain chemistry imbalance that Luc Besson has in that his movies fall apart as soon as he tries to do a sequel. El Mariachi is frickin’ brilliant, but Desperado was laughable. Machete was great but this one sucks. He is working on a sequel to Sin City and now I worry about that franchise. For every good film he has done (usually teamed up with Quentin Tarotino) he has also done a couple crappy ones, mostly comprised of the whole Spy Kids franchise.
I think the best word to describe this film is juvenile. It plays out like two 11 year old kids playing with action figures. I know it is supposed to be a parody of cheesy action movies, but if you try to make a movie to make fun of crappy acting, story, action, filming, and editing by using all those elements in the end you get a movie with crappy acting, story, action, filming, and editing. It’s like if I wanted to make a joke about how much feces smells and took a crap on your dining room table to illustrate my point. The joke is surely funny in my head but at the end of the day you are dealing with a ruined table and your fist hurting from punching me in the face over and over again. To the average viewer (i.e. not Robert Rodriguez) you really can’t see anything except the crap.
I suspect this is going to be one of those bear trap movies for hipsters. What do I mean by that? It’s like the Star Wars Holiday Special, a movie that should never be watched by any human on the planet. However, every year jackasses like me think something like “Sure, it will suck, but I’ll gain some kind of nerd credibility for having watched it and really, it has Luke, Han, and Leia in it so how bad can it be?” only to find that there is nothing in there but pain and suffering. This movie isn’t necessarily as bad as that but if you feel like you need to see it just to maintain your bad movie watching status don’t waste your time.
(By the way, at this point I have to caution you to not misinterpret that last paragraph as my recommendation that you actually watch the SWHS. Some things once watched can never be unseen, and there is nothing to be found in that film except a steady draining of your will to live. If you have any love of Star Wars, film in general, or your childhood you will avoid it. That being said I know there is some idiot out there who will disregard all my warnings and go for it. To you I say you have been warned.)
When I first started watching this film I thought I might have to do one of my double reviews; once as a legitimate (haw!) film critic and once as a fan of camp movies. However, by the end of it I realized I hated this film from both perspectives. Fans of camp are fans of fun, and this movie is not fun. It is ploddish and looks like it was filmed in someones back yard. The brilliant timing, parody, and insight that Tarantino brings to a movie like this are missing entirely, leaving something a failing film student might have done (except for the fact that Rodriguez did el Mariachi as a film student and it was infinitely better than this).
The story, in addition to being bad, is convoluted as hell. I’ll run over the highlights. Machete (Danny Trejo-Heat, From Dusk ’till Dawn, Anchorman) is accused of killing his partner in a rogue US Army-sells-guns-to-a-drug-cartel-but-gets-busted-by-special-forces-and-the-local-sheriff raid gone bad and is going to be lynched by the local hillbilly lawman. In spite of the fact that the lynching is completely illegal and secret the president (Carlos Estevez (Charlie Sheen)-Hot Shots, Two and a Half Men, Wall Street) calls to recruit him. He is sent to Mexico after a mad revolutionary Mendez (Demian Bichir-A Better Life, Savages, the Heat) who wants to blow up Washington DC with a missile (or something. It all kind of blurs together after a while). He travels to Mexico with the help of his beauty queen handler Miss San Antonio (Amber Heard-Zombieland, Pineapple Express, Drive Angry), the most fake character in a movie of characters that felt fake. There he goes to a brothel run by Desdemona (Sofia Vergara-the Smurfs, Four Brothers, Modern Family), a sadistic madame who has a stable of murderous psychotic super vixens. The last contact with Mendez is her daughter Cereza (Vanessa Hudgens-Sucker Punch, Spring Breakers, High School Musical). Desdemona gets her crew to try to kill Machete for some reason (?) while her daughter agrees to help him for some other reason (??).
They escape and are picked up in a helicopter by Mendez’s henchmen. Cereza is killed for some reason (???) but Machete is allowed to live in order to hear Mendez’s megalomaniacal rant (if you’ve ever seen Dr. Evil than this scene should be shockingly familiar). Turns out the missile aimed at Washington is hooked to a detonator attached to a deadman switch on his heart. Machete captures him but rather than just destroy the missile or calling in an airstrike he opts to try to find the one man in the world who can disarm it. Mendez has put a contract out on himself for some reason (????) and Machete so now everyone in Mexico wants to kill them, including La Cameleon (played alternatively by Walter Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr, Antonio Banderas, and Lady Gaga).
Ugh. Remember when I said this movie was like two boys playing with action figures? At some point the boys decided Machete had to fight a million Mexican police, drive an armored car, have Sofia Vergara shoot bullets at him out of two mini mini guns in the tips of her metal bra and then out of a pistol in her crotch that she fires by thrusting her pelvis, cut off a bunch of heads, and sleep with every woman on the screen. Mendez gets killed but his heart is connected to a respirator to keep the missile from firing. When things get slow they introduce the real villain Voz (Mel Gibson-the Road Warrior, Braveheart, Lethal Weapon), who is a super genius who wants to blow up the world so he can live on his satellite with a bunch of kidnapped Mexican slave labor (nothing helps establish the plot of the movie like introducing the villain 3/4 of way through the film). Machete kills a bunch of people usually by cutting off their heads. Rodriguez thinks of the joke of having a bad guy thrown into the whirling blades of a helicopter and then decides the only way it could be funnier is if he repeated it 20 more times. Stuff blows up, Machete kills more people, and the movie is left with a cliffhanger in a clear prelude for Machete 3 like a kid begging for five more minutes of TV before going to bed.
That might be my worst recap ever, but trust me when I say I don’t have a lot to work with and am already bored writing this. Let’s get to the fun part, shall we?
The stars:
Danny Trejo is pretty cool, and while you get fairly tired of his character by end of the film I still like him. One star. All the women were drop dead gorgeous, and as lame as it sounds I do get turned on by girls with guns. One star. If his goal truly was to make a crappy movie than I would have to say Robert Rodriguez succeeded in spades. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes:
The “plot” was like a Mad Lib story where the only words you could use were “guns”,” kill”, “tits, “machete”, “decapitated”, “whore”, and “Mexican”. Two black holes. There were a couple of times it seemed like some decent acting could have been had from some of the actors (Damian Bichir and Mel Gibson, for the most part) the combination of the horrible roles and the average effort put in (cough cough phoned it in cough cough) made me wish I were watching the Vagina Monologs as played by the Thunderbirds cast using the robot voice from Wargames. God awful. One black hole. As amusing as I find his rants I am going to say that Charlie Sheen was a particularly painful bamboo shoot under the fingernail part of this film. One black hole. Remember how the original Machete was rated R and consequently had some nudity? Well, we wouldn’t want anything interesting to taint the horrible experience of watching this film so rated R with nobody naked. One black hole. Editing and pacing from hell. There is a 24 hour countdown clock going for a lot of the film and about six weeks worth of stuff happened in that time. At the same time the editing was rushed with less than critical but jarringly elements missing. Overall a convoluted editing failure. Two black holes. Really kind of boring. 107 minutes and you will feel every one of them. One black hole. A parody of bad film making that really only subjected us to a bad film. One black hole. Action from hell, with recurring sequences all derived from other, better films. One black hole. Leaving the film as a cliffhanger with a plea for us to see the next horrible version. One black hole. At the end of the film it really felt like a waste of time. Two black holes. Total: thirteen black holes.
A grand total of ten black holes. Honestly the only reasons to see this film is if you are a screaming Machete, Rodriguez, or camp fan and even then you will lose more respect than you gain. In general a big waste of time with very little redeeming. Date movie? Do I really need to answer that for you? Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere. The best scenes all had Mel Gibson in them so if you want to get something out of this try to do your business around him. Not a lot to miss in this film.
Thanks for reading. I don’t feel good about dumping on this film. I love camp and wanted this to be either really good or that special kind of bad that is actually good but it was neither. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments about this film or my review can be left right here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Gravity 3D Movie Review
Gravity is a harsh mistress.
Bonus nerd points if you know where I got that quote. So another movie with a title ripe for puns that is disappointingly excellent. I guess they all can’t be After Earth (the pun there was afterbirth). I should know by now that Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are experienced enough to really only choose good scripts, and once I saw this was written and directed by Alfonso Cuaron I knew it was going to be at least just this side of awesome (he did Children of Men, one of the most underrated movies of 2006 and conclusive proof that the Academy hates science fiction). However, as I sat through the innumerable trailers there was a dark part of my soul hoping it would be less than worthwhile so that I could play with jokes on the order of “Gravity sucks”.
Gravity does not suck, however. On the contrary it is excellent in all regards, as close to a flawless movie as I have seen since Argo. In spite of the fact that it only has two characters I was drawn in and engaged with both of them. You feel each of their pains like it is happening to you, and root for them with the core of your soul. Visually stunning, and rather than treat the movie as a wheezing half dead mule to hang 3D and special effects on Alfonso used the 3D and special effect to enhance the story. Like cooking with spice special effects need to be used with a delicate hand. Too little and you might as well be eating flour and water and too much can turn your meal in to a spice exxxxxxxxxxxxtravaganza that will have you feeling it twice, if you know what I mean.
Experienced readers of my blog should know that when it comes to science fiction movies at some point I have to bitch about the mistreatment of my dear friend science. Some writers treat science as an annoying technical guy who’s contribution to the script is to raise points that are mostly ignored and who once in a while inspires another bad series of abuses of the Fundamental Laws of Physics. Other writers treat science like a the Gimp from Pulp Fiction, brought out only for convenient sexual gratification and otherwise locked in a box wearing a leather bondage costume. Still others treat it like the Tooth Fairy; a creature only really believed in by children but who can be safely ignored by adults who want to believe that you can survive a nuclear blast by hiding inside a refrigerator (you know who I’m looking at, George. Also as long as I am on this subject suck it Stephanie!).
I’m happy to report that Gravity treats the Laws of Thermodynamics like laws rather than those instructions to never cut the tags off mattresses. Conservation of mass and momentum are adhered to nicely. At one point I thought the movie had gone severely off the rails but when you figure out what was happening it makes total sense. Not only do I as a fan of science appreciate that Alfonso knows a thing or two about physics (or had the foresight to hire a couple of experts) but I love that fact that since this movie is ruling the box office it shows the ignorant inbred Hollywood creative types that the audience doesn’t need to be pandered to.
There are very few movies that move us like survival movies. One person against insurmountable odds, fighting to live in spite of the universe being stacked against him or her. This is what I love about zombie movies, and it’s hard to find something bad to say about regular survival films such as Cast Away, the Grey, 127 Hours, or Tree of Life (wait, that wasn’t a survivor movie? What the hell was Sean Penn doing wandering the desert with all those dead people? Or the kid in the flooded house? The real struggle to survive was me not dying of boredom. Since it’s not a survivor film I guess I can find something bad to say about it. Tree of Life sucks). You will never find an environment more inimical to human life as space, and as such it is almost inevitable that a survivor movie be done about it. Sure, it’s been done before but not this well.
Like many great movies the story is beautifully simple. It starts off with Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock-the Heat, Crash, the Blind Side) and Lt. Matt Kowalski (George Clooney-Ocean’s Eleven, the Descendants, Batman and Robin) in orbit on the Hubble Telescope. Dr. Stone is a civilian specialist of some kind brought in to install some new viewing technology onto the Hubble. Dr. Stone is working tethered to the station while Kowalski does a space walk with a very cool EVA jet pack (for the record, there is never a movie, video game, or life situation that cannot be greatly enhanced by the addition of a jet pack of any kind. If I had had a jet pack on my last failed date it would have been much better experience for me in spite of the rejection. However, in most cases you have to use the correct term: “a M-F-ing jet pack!”). There is some other red shirt working out there as well but he doesn’t play much into the movie.
Nearby a Russian missile impacts another satellite, causing a cloud of debris to approach the shuttle and Hubble with terrifying speed. The red shirt suffers the fate of all red shirts while Dr. Stone is cast loose from the station, tumbling in a sickening manner. At the same time large amounts of communications are disrupted (OK there might be some abuse of astrophysics going on here but I won’t ding the film for it) by all the debris.
Honestly I don’t want to get into the story much more that that. I can’t say much without giving away how the people survive and that is the whole point of a survivor movie. I will say that everything the characters do makes total sense and one can hope to have that kind of collected thought in a similar life threatening situation (or just trying to figure out which checkout lane will move fastest at Costco). 
Also, remember the great scenes in Alien and Aliens where you get to see Ripley in her tank top and panties? Well, you get something similar here a couple times (not quite as good, but still), but don’t expect too much. This film is locked into the PG-13 rating very strongly. (Weyland-Yutani logo from Aliens image courtesy of the Sci Fi T Shirts)
The stars.
A simple story that makes total sense and is simply awesome. Two stars. Excellent acting and casting for both characters. I really believed them both to be who they were supposed to be, and Dr. Stone was not some super human but rather a real person who had her own massive weaknesses and failings. Two stars. I have to give Alfonso credit for really drawing me into the characters, especially Bullocks. A good film has you rooting for the stars and everyone will be in her camp. One star. A science fiction move that appreciates science. One star. Flawless special effects and CGI, all done tastefully and well. One star. Visually stunning film. You could watch most of this film with the sound off and Slayer playing on your stereo and enjoy the hell out of it. One star. The 3D was done to excellent effect (and you know it has to be good for me to say something positive about it). One star. Overall an excellent movie experience. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
The black holes.
Nothing, really, and I’ve had a full day to think about it. There are a couple minor things I could nit pick but that would be just petty and small minded (two descriptives that on a different day could readily be applied to me but I am feeling magnanimous today). Honestly this film is nigh flawless (a hint to the answer to my question from the first paragraph, in case you are still wondering).
Twelve stars and not a black hole in sight. Anyone who doesn’t see this film is a sucky poopoo head. Don’t be that guy. See it in IMAX 3D. The pleasure centers of your brain will reward you with endorphins. Date movie? Absolutely, unless you are trying to make your date out to be a sucky poopoo head. The triumph of the human spirit in this film should have her clothes flying off faster than Supermans and even if they don’t at least you get to see an awesome movie before your let’s be friends speech. Bathroom break? Hell no. Hold it. This movie is worth the risk of wetting yourself. It’s only 90 minutes and if you really think you can’t hold it that long Depends it up. There is not a spare moment to be had here.
Thanks for reading. Movies like this make me glad to do what I do. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to leave them here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.com. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Rush Movie Review
On my way home from the theater I was wondering if I have to consider myself a Ron Howard fan boy. I like pretty much every movie he has done (even Gung Ho) and will go out of my way to see any movie he makes. I love Arrested Development (image from our TV show t shirt category) and even liked him in Happy Days. Does that qualify me as a fan boy, in the same sense that I am a Star Trek TOS fan boy?
In truth, no. A true fan boy will defend anything their fan obsession creates, and when the object of their desire excretes a turd they will sift desperately through it in hopes of finding a lost diamond ring or interesting tapeworm. It is to the point where he will take the least crappy part of the crap and elevate it to the level of still better than anything else out there. Get me waxing poetical about Star Trek and I will find parts of episodes even as bad as Spock’s Brain that make it worth watching (to be fair, that episode did have a large number of hot women in bikinis who controlled men with shock collars, an apt comparison to my personal dating life. Also the episode was a clear foreshadowing of the the industrialization of the human mind as seen by devices such as the Google Glass, and the recent advances in prosthetic limbs controlled by the human brain can find their roots in the computer/brain interface. When you consider those parts of it Spock’s Brain really is not that…oh God I’m doing it now!).
The thing that keeps me a Ron Howard fan and not a Ron Howard fan boy is if he did produce an awful movie I would not hesitate to tear through it like a chainsaw through a gingerbread house. Fortunately he has not given me the opportunity to date, and Rush continues that trend. Yes, I did enjoy it a great deal. It’s basically the F1/70’s version of Days of Thunder with a better story, but since I liked Days of Thunder a lot too I guess the premise works for me.
I have commented on the interesting fact of my personality (interesting to me, but since I’m such a fascinating figure you all will be interested too) that I have less than zero interest in watching football, baseball, golf or any sports whatsoever (sorry curling) yet love sports movies, and it looks like that holds true for racing as well. Sit me in front of the TV watching auto racing and I will doze off toot sweet (and to be honest if someone held a gun to my head (or promised me some kind of sexual experience) in order to get me to watch racing I am more inclined to go with stock car over F1) but I was fully engaged in the racing in this movie. I guess it’s because they edit out all the spitting, crotch scratching, talking, rolling around an oval track boring bits and just leave the great moments. I have an appreciation for all the work and effort competitors put in. If they could just stop wasting time in a huddle or cutting to beer commercials I might get engaged.
So Rush (a few spoilers in here, but honestly most of this I picked up from the trailers). This is the story of the great competition between Austrian racer Niki Lauda (Daniel Brühl-Inglorious Bastards, the Bourne Ultimatum, Goodbye Lenin!) and British racer James Hunt (Chris Helmsworth-Thor, Red Dawn, Snow White and the Huntsman) back in the grand old year 1976. It starts off with a monolog from each racer telling how they got into racing and what they were about. Niki Lauda is effectively a professional racer, using science, good risk management, and discipline in order to win and stay alive while James Hunt is a wild party boy who relies on his natural talent and willingness to take insane risks to carry the day.
The movie then follows up their individual lives leading up the the world championship. James marries a super model in order to try to add some stability while Niki falls in love with a sweet girl who supports him in ways we all dream a partner would. They meet early in their careers and develop a strong dislike of each other. Going into the season of 1976 Niki pulls ahead in points while James struggles with a less optimal car (and some sabotage from Niki). Eventually they get to a very dangerous track and some bad weather. Niki wants to call the race off but James pushing it forward. There is a horrific wreck and Niki is badly burned.
He recovers at the hospital while James keeps winning races. Niki shows up with disfiguring scars for the last race, set to run in the rain. I won’t throw any more spoilers out there but there are some cool moments when Niki has a realization and twists the ending a bit.
The stars.
Very cool story, and well told. Two stars. Both Chris and Daniel are to be complemented for their portrayals. Excellent acting from both of them (and the support cast to be honest). One star. The camera work was exceptionally good, with amazing shots that filled the screen with visions while still retaining that 70’s feel. Two stars. The driving action was really engaging, and the stunts and accidents cool. One star. A couple nice minor nude scenes to keep the interest going. One star. The sets, clothes, and hair really set the era perfectly. There was no doubt what decade this thing was happening it. One star. Over all a great movie. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes.
I always feel weird doing this for directors I like and admire as I don’t feel qualified to offer criticism (for Lucas I order extra black holes. McG too) but really that is what you are here for and I have to go with what I feel. I thought the film was not really strong in establishing a tone. The movie started out and ended like a documentary but in the middle was a drama. I hate saying this but the story meandered around a lot, and did that thing where it seemed to end but then ran on for another 20 minutes and kind of shifted the focus of the entire film. It felt more like a series of five graphic novels, each semi-complete rather than one total story. Two black holes (two points there, really). The title of the film and everything I saw in the trailers implied that this film would be about insane F1 racers and what motivates them to go crazy, but really that was a tertiary subject barely touched upon. I think a lot could have been added had they explored the individual motivations more. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A total of seven stars. Actually a great score and a movie well worth your time. Also worth seeing in a theater, although you will probably be OK watching it at home. Date movie? Hell yes. Manly enough to keep you interested but with a cool “true love” romance for Niki and a super hot dude in James to get her motor running if you know what I mean. This film is perfect for it. Bathroom break? A lot of the scenes of Niki recovering in the hospital could be missed without losing a lot. The meandering nature of the film means you can miss pretty much any part of the film except the big race at the end and probably pick up the story without too much effort.
Thanks for reading. More movies to see this weekend so look for something more tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments for this movie or my review post them here and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 78 All Our Yesterdays
This episode confused the hell out of me as a kid. First Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are in a high tech facility. Then McCoy and Spock are in an arctic wasteland with a hot girl in a fur bikini and Kirk is in merry Old England. Challenging for my young brain. The entire thing was set up as a device to allow the residents of Sarpeidon to escape the destruction of their world by running back into their worlds past. Kirk gets accused of witchcraft (instead of sleeping with the local witches) and Spock falls in love with a cave woman.
Not the best written episode IMO. I think my main issue has to due with Spock reverting to the the level of the primitive Vulcans. As a plot device this is weak (if we were to travel back in time several billion years would we all revert to primordial ooze?) but the fact is I like Spock as Spock. With the notable exception of the great episode Amok Time I really didn’t like it when they gave Spock emotions. It is not his character and really felt unnatural (in Amok Time his emotions were the result of perfectly logical events, which is why that episode works for me. Plus I love the fight scene). Time travel is a tricky beast and by the end of season 3 they had pretty much milked every time travel story they could. If the entire population of Sarpeidon had traveled back in time isn’t it remotely possible that one of the billions might have done something to change the past? Wasn’t that the point of City on the Edge of Forever? I am going to put this on the danger of accepting fan scripts. This episode was written by fan Jean Lisette Aroeste. Granted she also wrote Is There No Truth in Beauty, a better episode, but even that one was problematic. If you are so out of ideas you need to turn to fan fiction it might be time to hang it up (which they did one episode later).
(History repeats image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category)
I’ll probably knock out The Savage Curtain (ugh) tomorrow and then see a new movie tomorrow night. Talk to you soon.
Dave
