Scary Movie V Movie Review
Stupidly funny.
It’s ironic, since in most cases when I say something is stupidly funny I generally mean it as a criticism with some slightly redeeming qualities. 
Usually movies that are stupidly funny generally are trying to to only be just funny (or in some tragic cases actually serious) but the writers somehow suffer synapse failure and come out with the movie equivalent of Paris Hilton trying to be taken seriously as an actress. It’s funny in the same tragic way watching guys get hit in the nuts on YouTube is funny, but rarely what the creator wanted his or her legacy to be. (Brain Today image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Scary Movie V is rare in that they intended to be stupid, and did so in a way that actually required a lot of intelligence to execute. It takes some real talent to have a audience laughing their asses off at a baby getting accidentally set on fire, or a woman having sex with a vacuum cleaner. Getting people to laugh at something intentionally stupid is actually pretty hard.
That being said, I think there are a few problems with this film, and the main one was I saw it the night before last and am struggling to remember anything about it. A few scenes stick out and I remember laughing quite a bit but if I were required to give more detail than “It was a spoof of a bunch of horror movies. Oh, yeah Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan had a sex scene that was pretty funny” I’d be in trouble. Most of it seems to have wafted through my brain like a fart on a windy day. Good thing I don’t have to write a review or anything.
Oh damn I do. Thank god for Google. Another issue with this movie (and the entire franchise) is that the jokes are really trapped in this moment. I remember seeing one of the previous ones years ago where they made a Callista Flockhart joke that was really funny. The problem is these days who really remembers Callista Flockhart (Ally McBeal)? Even those of us who do (like me. I think she was super hot if you like skinny) the joke just doesn’t pack the same punch any more. A joke about Lindsey getting arrested is funny as hell right now, but five years from now when she has done years of rehab and found Jesus it just won’t be funny. This is why you never saw much demand for Murphy Brown reruns. Political jokes just sound dumb even six months later.
While the actually Scary Movie movies are not timeless, the formula used definitely is. If you have seen any of them and have the wit to plug in jokes about current celebrities you can probably give the new ones a pass. Basically they take a half dozen current horror films and revamp them into something temporarily hilarious. In this case the movies used were Mama, the Evil Dead, Black Swan, and Rise of the Planet of the Apes with some Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan, and Honey Boo Boo thrown in for flavor. If that seems a little shallow in the source material to you than you and I agree. They kept coming back to those four movies like vultures circling four rancid corpses, and like the vultures the movie had to struggle harder and harder to find the edible bits as time passed.
The story is barely present. The entirety of of the film plays out like a series of Saturday Night Live skits spoofing current movies held together with tissue paper and snot. It starts off with Charlie Sheen hooking up with Lindsey Lohan for a wild sex scene that will have you laughing before Charlie is killed by a mysterious figure in black. Charlies three children go missing and are found by Snoop Dogg (I though it was Lion now? He’s credited as Dogg) and Mac Miller. They are taken in and more or less follow the story of Mama, with Simon Rex (Sexy and I Know It, Sperm Donor, Slightly Single in L.A.) as the uncle and Ashley Tisdale (Donnie Darko, High School Musical, Phineas and Ferb) as the punk rock girlfriend. Simon is a researcher at a lab trying to give apes super intelligence (Planet of the Apes) while Ashley is a ballerina trying to do Swan Lake (Black Swan). Turns out the evil ghost was created with an evil book (Evil Dead).
That’s all you really need to know about the story. There isn’t much else.
The stars:
I was honestly laughing a lot during the course of this film, although damned if I know at what specifically. Two stars. Some of the spoofs were pretty clever. One star. I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed Snoop Dogg playing himself in this. Granted the role was of himself as a stoner gangster (not exactly an acting stretch) but I thought he was funny. One star. The rest of the cast understood how to deliver comedy, and there were some recurring jokes that were pretty good. One star. Overall I enjoyed the film and laughed a lot. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes:
Really forgettable. This time next week I will have a hard time even remembering seeing it. One black hole. If they could have sourced a few more movies, or just chosen a couple that were easier to fit in together it probably would have made for a better film. One black hole. Nothing really by way of a plot. One black hole. Total: three stars.
So three stars. Before I recommend this film you should probably understand that this film is as low brow as they get without being about homeless people boxing each other. It so happens that that sort of humor tickles my funny bone, thus making me kinder in my review of it. If you think films like this are stupid, or have seen one of the other Scary Movie movies and are only curious to see how this one is different you can probably pass. If this sort of thing is funny to you go for it. Date movie? Probably not, unless your date is turned on by apes throwing feces in which case depending on your own disposition you have either found your soul mate or need to run screaming into the night. Bathroom break? Since there is no story to speak of there any time is a fine time. I found the film funniest in the first half and kind of grindy towards the end, so any time past the middle should work out fine.
Thanks for reading. I’m more or less caught up on the movies I care about. Maybe I’ll find something indy or artsy to see tonight. I also have a list idea I am working on for all the sci fi fans out there. Follow me on Twitter @NerdkungFu.com. Comments on this film or my review can be left here, although I get a lot of spam so be sure to mention the name of the movie in the first line or I might delete it. Off topic question or suggestion can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
42 Movie Review
Life, the Universe, and Everything.
If you don’t know where that joke comes from you can turn in your nerd card on the way out. It is something of a mystery to me that I have absolutely no interest in watching baseball (or any other sports for that matter) on TV but love baseball movies. Major League, Moneyball, the Bad News Bears; these are all some of my personal favorites. I think I find the actual game dead boring but the intricacies of teamwork and sports training fascinate me. Either that or I can’t find anything of interest in watching a pitcher scratch his jock for two hours.
I saw this the other night but have been trying to process the experience. I went into this film with a lot of hope and honestly can’t say I was disappointed. It was a compelling story reasonably well told and well acted by all the principal characters. The problem I was having was trying to decide if it was ham handed or not. All the characters good or bad are kind of cartoonish in their portrayal and I couldn’t tell tell if this was a deliberate attempt to portray racist characters in the late ‘4os or if the director had the word subtlety excised from his vocabulary. Even Harrison Ford’s character Branch Rickey had a very strong Yosemite Sam feel to him. Again, I’m not an expert on any of the real life people these characters were drawn from (in truth I’d never heard of any of them before this film) but they all seemed more than a little over the top. 
Since the director Brian Helgeland also did L.A. Confidential and Man on Fire I will give him the benefit of the doubt, but that nagging thought was pecking at me the entire time like a tiny woodpecker on my brain (Woody image courtesy of the Cartoon T Shirt category).
In terms of portraying the advancement of civil rights on America this film was no Mississippi Burning or Glory but it certainly was better than Red Tails. My mother grew up in Brooklyn in the ’40s and is a huge Jackie Robinson fan. She told me he was known for being a complete gentleman and never lashed out against the bigotry and racist epithets thrown at him on the field. For the most part this movie held true to that. However he did not become the first African American major league baseball player out of a burning desire to advance civil rights. He did it to play baseball and make money. This attitude carries through in the film and actually denigrates the civil rights message. The racism becomes an obstacle for him to overcome in order to play ball but does not play out as the dragon he needs to slay. I’m not saying it didn’t have a great civil rights message. Just that it didn’t feel like the main thrust of the film. Again, perhaps that was purposeful on the part of Mr. Helgeland.
The story is of course about Jackie Robinson, the first African American major league baseball player. It starts out with Branch Richie (Harrison Ford-Star Wars, Indiana Jones, really if I have to list his credits for you go back to the cave you grew up in), owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers telling his management that he intends to hire an player from the Negro Leagues. They go through some known names and select Jackie Robinson (Chadwick Boseman-The Kill Hole, Persons Unknown, Fringe). The recruit him into their secondary team the Montreal Royals. Once he gets the contract he proposes to his girlfriend Rachel (Nichole Beharie-Shame, the Express, American Violet) and marries her. He travels to spring training and at that point the racism comes thick and fast. He deals with all kinds of stereotypes including members of his own team. However he is supported my Mr. Rickey and the manager Leo Durochser (Christopher Meloni-Runaway Bride, 12 Monkeys, Law and Order).
Honestly at that point the story kind of trundles its way down the Predictable Highway. He gets hit in the head with a pitch. Over time his previously hesitant teammates accept him and support him as a member of the team rather than an African American. Another guy shouts all sorts of racist crap at him and his teammate jumps in to stop it. Durocher gets fired for sleeping with a movie starlet and another guy shows up and pretty much does nothing. With Jackies help the team gets into the World Series and the movie kind of peters off without a real conclusion.
The Stars:
I thought Chad Boseman did a great job with this role. One star. A really good story and one my mother will enjoy immensely. Two stars. Harrison Ford. One star. The period was well portrayed and accurate. You really got the feeling you were in post WWII America. One star. The portrayal of racism was well done, moving from out and out Southern cartoon characters (like the cop at one game) to more subtle things like the team signing a petition to not play with Jackie or an umpire purposely blowing a call against Jackie. One star. The gradual acceptance of Jackie on the team and the acknowledgement of the changing of the times was kind of refreshing to see. One star. Nichole Beharie has a heart breaker face. One star. Overall a quality film. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The Black Holes:
That nagging question of whether this was an accurate portrayal or just an over the top in your face jumble kind of distracted me from enjoying the film. One black hole. With the exception of Jackie, the owner, and first manager, the entire Brooklyn Dodgers more or less morphed into pasty smear of white dudes. I was struggling to tell any of them apart. They all had the same short haired beefy look look normally associated with military policemen and tow truck drivers, and more or less sounded the same. I don’t know how they could have done it differently but I just found it confusing and distracting. One black hole. Jackie’s wife Rachel was portrayed as pretty two dimensional, and there was a supporting reporter who was supposed to add some back story to it but kind of got lost in the shuffle. Plus there was a couple of kid characters who felt really out of place. One black hole. The movie ending felt more like they just ran out of footage. The completed with a “where are they now” montage that was kind of cool but I think a stronger denouement would have been more impactful. One black hole. Total: Four black holes.
So a grand total of six stars. In spite of my doubts as to the veracity of the portrayal I think this was a cool movie and I’m glad I saw it. You will remain in your seat for the entire 128 minutes. Date movie? Sure, why not. Show her how forward thinking you are. Plus if you are a baseball fan here is your chance to maybe get her into it. Bathroom break? Nothing really stands out as not worth seeing. I suppose the scene after Jackie gets injured and they are stitching up his leg could be missed but if you can hold it do so.
Thanks for reading. I will be seeing Scary Movie 5 later today so look for that review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Comments on this film or my review can be left here. Any off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Admission Movie Review
I admit I expected to laugh more.
OK, I saw this film almost a week ago and have been putting off the writing of the review. Not that the movie was bad. In fact if it were bad I would have jumped right on it. Nothing cleanses the palate of a bad movie like vomiting the dark bile of your bitter soul all over it. No, the fact is this is the worst kind of movie for me to review in that it was so middle of the road mundane.
We are in a bit of a dry spell for movies at the moment. I just did Evil Dead (awesome) and already have my tickets for Iron Man 3, but as I look at Fandango I don’t see much I haven’t already seen or have any interest in. This weekend should be better with 42 and Scary Movie 5, both of which I am looking forward to, but right now I am having to grind through second stringers like this one.
OK, here it is. I am a fan of Tina Fey, and as such expected a clever, intelligent, and above all funny story. This film had the intelligence covered and was clever in that horrible New Yorker Magazine sort of way, but honestly while I have to acknowledge that sort of humor is technically funny (“the best kind of funny”) it just doesn’t get me laughing. Tina Fey on 30 Rock is really funny. Tina Fey as an actor in a character study film (which is precisely what this movie is) is entertaining-ish, but just not engaging.
I also don’t really give a damn about the admissions process of a school so uptight and pretentious it would be a pleasure to punch it collectively in the face. Sorry if you went to Princeton and think that having that special piece of paper adds value to your life but most of America would struggle to care less. (Collage image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirt category)
Let’s get this over with. Tina Fey (30 Rock, Saturday Night Live, Mean Girls) plays Portia, an admissions officer at Princeton. It is established early on that Princeton is the hardest school to get into ever and rejects like 99.99% of its applicants. Her life is dull and mundane, with a lame live in boyfriend (Michael Sheen-Midnight in Paris, Frost/Nixon, Underworld)) and is the most boring couple ever. Anyway, as part of her job she has to run around to high schools encouraging students to apply. While traveling around she goes to a new hippy school where she meets the principal John (Paul Rudd-Role Models, the 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up). He is eager for her to meet one of his students (Nat Wolff-New Years Eve, Peace, Love, and Misunderstanding, Stuck in Love) who is something of a prodigy. He suspects the kid is Portia’s son given up for adoption. He tells her this and it kind of rocks her world. She heads home to find out her boyfriend is leaving her for a bitchy blond (Sonya Walger-All the Kings Men, Flash Forward, the Mind of the Married Man). She has a freak out session but eventually decides to do whatever she can to get her kid into Princeton. This puts her at odds with her boss Clarance (Wallace Shawn-The Princess Bride, Toy Story, Eureka) and a coworker Corinne (Gloria Reuben-Nick of Time, Timecop, Lincoln).
She goes through the process while trying to bond with the kid and dealing with her schools arduous admissions process. Meanwhile romance blooms between her and John while her mother (Lily Tomlin-I Heart Huckabees, the Magic School Bus, 9 to 5) does whatever she can to estrange their relationship. Drama and character development unfold, and the ending honestly surprised me a little by being not what I expected.
The Stars:
Tina Fey was indeed good if not what I expected. She can actually act. One star. The rest of the cast was also very good. One star. The ending wasn’t the usual Hollywood pap. One star. There was a funny trap door plot mechanic for the actual admissions process I found entertaining. One star. A reasonably complex and intelligent story. One star. Total: five stars.
The Black Holes:
As complex as the story was, there was a kind of weird predictability to it. Even the surprises didn’t really come as a surprise. One black hole. Like I said before, the intricacies of college admissions don’t really hold my interest and therefore the film seemed to drag quite a bit. One black hole. I’m not going to ding this film for not being as funny as I expected as that is on me. In truth by this time I should know not to expect anything. That’s the first step to disappointment. Expecting a comedy and getting a drama is my misinterpretation of the trailers. I really should only expect a film to not physically injure me, and therefore will only be disappointed once in a while. Total: two black holes.
So three stars total. Kind of a mundane score, but it’s honestly kind of a mundane movie. If it weren’t for the sets and cast this would be a Lifetime made for TV movie. If you are bored as hell and looking for something to do it won’t be a total waste of your time. Nothing will be lost if you wait for Netfilx. Date movie? Sure, why not? However, while this film will not hurt I don’t know if it will help you in your quest to see your date naked. Bathroom break? Towards the end there is a really long montage sequence of the admissions committee going over each student in turn and either accepting or rejecting them that kind of beats the point (we are dicks and are looking for the slightest reason to drop you) home for an extended period of time.
Thanks for reading. I am very hopeful for this weekends movies (again, mistake number one) so check back in a couple days. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.com. Comments on this movie or my review can be left here at the bottom. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Evil Dead Review
Groovy.
There is a plague in Hollywood and I’m not just talking about the ugly trend in remaking old movies into crappy new ones. I’m talking about the inclination towards “design by committee” movie making. One person has an idea and starts writing but by the time the director, producer(s), executive producer(s), stars, DOP, score composer, key grip, assorted wannabe movie making PAs, and the catering guy all contribute the actual original vision of a beautiful masterpiece is beaten down into a misshapen but relatively safe (from a financial point of view) movie like lump. If you have ever taught grade school and hung a big piece of butcher paper up for the entire class to do a beautiful mural you know exactly what I am talking about. Inevitably you get some pretty flowers, a rainbow, some horses (or unicorns), a black scrawl, some stick figures shooting other stick figures, something on fire, a swastika, and at least one penis.
(This, by the way, is how Hollywood cowardly hides from blame. If something were designed by committee then no one person is to blame for a flop failure. Of course this means no one gets the total credit for a massive success, but most people don’t have the sack to take that kind of chance. Also the Ash image is courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt.)
The point is this movie is the opposite of design by committee. Granted it was written by Fede Alvarez and produced by the great Sam Raime and Bruce Campbell, but it is clear they all shared a similar vision of what they wanted to do. Blood, guts, and terror. There was no extra message about saving the environment some parent wanted to shove in. The sole survivor was not the introverted nerd that no one liked, nor was it the sexy cheerleader with an inner psyche of hardened steel to show young ladies that they can compete in a mans (horror) world if they just have enough self esteem. There was nothing to distract the audience from the vision of gross gore, agonizing pain, and sphincter clenching fear. If this movie and another person wanted to tell you that they hated you the person would send a strongly worded email or possibly a burning bag of dog poo on your doorstep while this film would call in a tactical nuclear strike. No room for misinterpretation.
I suppose I should address the question of whether or not this is a cheesy remake like Footloose or Red Dawn. The fact is the Evil Dead 2 (one of the greatest, most flawless horror movies ever) was not a sequel to the first Evil Dead and was in fact a remake using the same set and actors. If you look at it like that technically this is a remake, but because it actually follows in the Sam Raime tradition and has brought some new ideas and production values I am going to laud this remake rather than pan it (that means I like it to those of you who don’t know what laud or pan mean). Very well done.
The devil is in the details and this movie got the details right. In case you were wondering the Sam Raime Classic (a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88) did manage to make it into the film, as did the shotgun and of course the Necronomicon. The cabin is still the same: somehow bigger on the inside than the outside, vaguely skull like in appearance, gigantic super creepy basement with locking trap door, and a side cabin filled with every tool possible for potential mayhem. They got rid of the animal heads on the wall and the bridge was replaced by a flooded stream, but watching this film felt in many ways like coming home (read what you will about my childhood from that statement). The only things I found off putting were stuff I wanted to see from the original film (like the fact that the demon camera no longer sounds and moves like a remote control biplane), but honestly this film has more than enough to make up for what is missing.
I’m not going to call this film flawless. There are plot holes and technical errors that in a lesser movie I would have happily used as an excuse to push it down a well. For the record a nail gun needs to be hooked up to a source of compress air in order to fire, and if you think you you can shock someone back to life with a car battery and some loose junk you found in a shed you can go ahead and stop filling out your medical school applications now. The plot is pretty predictable and the surprise twist at the end was pretty much expected. However, I was so enjoying the film that my suspension of disbelief had the power to believe that nails shoot straight like little bullets. Thus we see how a good movie can make up for minor errors.
The story you should all know if you plan to see this movie. A tertiary excuse to go to an old cabin is found (in this case it’s to help a girl (Jane Levy-Suburgatory, Fun Sized, Nobody Walks) get off drugs cold turkey). The girl Mia, her brother David (Shiloh Fernandez-Red Rding Hood, Dead Girl, Red), his hot girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore-the Road Home, Burning Man, Legend of the Seeker), his childhood friend Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci-Carriers, Beginners, Horsemen), and his super hot nurse girlfriend Olivia (Jessica Lucas-Cloverfield, She’s the Man, Psych) all settle in for a safe, uneventful weekend of withdrawal symptoms in a creepy cabin in a swamp. In spite of the fact that his family seems to own the cabin David is surprised to find an even creepier basement full of dead cats. They find the Necronomicon and Eric shows how smart he is by deciphering part of it and reading The Passage.
At that part the film is pretty much over except for the blood. We all know how it will go from there, and if you don’t I don’t know why you are reading this. Horrible things happen to beautiful people. Plot gives way for wonderful gore. Stuff referencing the first movie shows up here with good special effects.
The stars.
Duh. Evil Dead movie. Three stars. Amazing gore and camera work. Two stars. A bonus star for the fact that there was no CGI at all in this film. All physical effects, which is a lost art that I appreciate. One star. All the details were right. One star. The three girls were easy on the eyes, although after the first 20 minutes they are all so covered in blood and filth you kind of lose any attraction to them. One star. For the most part most of the characters acted in a manner that didn’t drive me nuts from stupidity (although I might have bugged out when I found all the dead cats, I probably would have laid hold of the shotgun at the first part sign of trouble and not put it down to pee, and I definitely would not have read from the Necronomicon after getting about 100 messages that doing so was a bad idea). One star. There was actually some good chemistry between cast members and the acting was decent. Everyone seemed to know how to act terrified at least. One star. A singular function of purpose that seems lacking in most modern movies. One star. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes.
Sigh. I wish I could skip this part, but I would lose credibility with you, my beloved readers, as well as myself if I didn’t ding this film for the stuff I noticed just because I am a rabid fan. There were definitely some plot holes waving flags and yelling “Look at me! Look at me!”. One black hole. I’m going to give another black hole for the homemade defibrillator. The one girl was a nurse. Was it so hard to imagine she might have a first aid kit with an AED in it? Also defibrillation is only done in conjunction with CPR. One black hole. I watched the Evil Dead panel at Wonder Con and got the real feeling that the cast and director all became friends while filming, but I can’t not give a black hole for a rated R (extreme side of R if you know what I mean) and not have any nudity in it. This is why officers do not become friends with the enlisted men. One black hole. Pacing was good, but I feel a little ripped off for the film only going 91 minutes. Of course the first one was 85 minutes, so take this one as you will. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of seven stars. If you are a fan of horror or the Evil Dead this film is an absolute must see. If not you will literally be horrified by the gore and a lot of the concepts that were established in the earlier movies (tree scene, etc.). As a fan of the Evil Dead I see this as a fitting tribute and am very glad I saw it. Date movie? If she has a love of these films absolutely. If not you will never get a call back from her again. Be sure you know where she stands before taking her to this, and keep in mind that sometimes girls will say they like something just to try to develop a connection with you (in other words, if she doesn’t bring this movie up don’t even suggest it). Bathroom break? No way. Hold it. There aren’t any scenes integral to the plot that you must see (plot is tertiary at best after the first half hour) but there isn’t a blood soaked moment you won’t regret missing. Cross your legs.
Thanks for reading. More to see soon. I saw Admitted and will write it up, but am not really excited to do so. Kind of middle of the road. Follow me on Twitter (please. My numbers are pathetic) @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left right here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
G.I. Joe Retaliation 3D Review
A Real American Zero.
So walking into the film I chatted a bit with a theater manager I know from having seen pretty much every movie they have shown for the last two years and he said of G.I. Joe “Terrible. Almost so bad it’s good.” The tragic part was after I watched it I realized the operative part of that statement was the word almost. For a movie to be so bad it’s good (Plan 9, the Room, Battlefield Earth) there is a certain required amateur flavor to it. If a film is terrible but kind of looks like it was filmed on a cheap VHS, or the blood looks like Kool Aid, or the monster looks like John Travolta in a rubber suit part of the appeal is imagining that the film makers get it and are in on the joke. While this may or may not be true you really can’t appreciate the Rocky Horror Picture Show without thinking that you are on the inside of a big movie prank.
When a movie is highly polished with flawless camera work and CGI but is still terrible all you have left is the terrible. Good recent examples of this include Green Lantern and Jack and Jill and now, unfortunately, G.I. Joe Retaliation. Not that this movie is on that level of awful (i.e. so bad you wish the local sewer main would burst open and drop you into the fetid darkness rather than keep watching). Some of it is actually entertaining in the typical Hollywood-any-movie-with-enough-guns-and-bombs-in-it-doesn’t-need-a-story sort of way. It’s just that as bad as the film is it’s too polished to qualify in the so-bad-it’s-good category.
Another problem plaguing this film is it is the sequel to another less than stellar movie. The first G.I. Joe movie was lame and riddled with plot holes (for the record ice floats in water. It specifically does not sink to the bottom of the ocean and crush underwater Cobra bases). This film might have been a great chance to reinvent the franchise TWOK style but instead they just ran the concept through worn out gears of the Hollywood movie grinder and came out with this dross. I will say they managed to keep the feel of the actual cartoon slightly better for most of this movie, but I’d bet something like 80% of the cartoons had better, more original stories.
I would like to ask a question important to anyone who is interested in world domination (like me) and that is what kind of recruitment program does Cobra have? I was watching a fight scene with a bunch of red ninjas and dozens of them were throwing themselves off cliffs and into the swords of clearly superior adversaries in the advancement of the Cobra Commander agenda. What kind of incentive could Cobra have to get the kind of loyalty needed to convince guys to use swords when guns are literally all over the place and go suicide zip lining to the same death that just killed the last 10 guys who did it? A huge pot of gold? A piece of the true cross? Mila Kunis’ home phone number? Later on the Cobra tech crew is happily killing millions of innocent people as a demonstration of Cobra’s new weapon and I couldn’t help but think “Do none of these guys have families or a conscious?” They just nuked (sort of) the entire city of London and killed millions of civilians and not one of them thought to raise his hand and say “Have we really explored all non-mega-murder options in our pursuit of world domination?”
When you see a lot of movies you tend to notice stupid trends. As soon as you hear about a move about an asteroid destroying the planet you can count on four other films that will all have asteroids, dramatic climate changes, or just Mayan predictions destroying the world in the same six month time period. This is good evidence that most of Hollywood is comprised of cockroaches feeding on each others filth (at least as far as creativity goes) and G.I. Joe has fallen into that sinkhole. The story is about a terrorist organization taking over the White House and using the President to destroy nuclear weapons. Geez, didn’t we just see Olympus has Fallen? There’s some other White House related film coming out soon (White House Down, which is completely, totally a different title than Olympus has Fallen) so I’m giving this film a D- for originality. Also, given the amount of security surrounding the President and the known competence of the Secret Service the very idea of someone just “taking over” has to be extremely well portrayed or else the whole concept will be ludicrous.
Ludicrous is a good word to describe a lot of this movie. Do the writers really think that the leaders of the nuclear powers go to a summit and carry with them their launch briefcases, or that all the nuclear weapons the USA and all the rest of the countries have can be self destructed with the touch of a single button in the same exact briefcase? What if the President were suffering from a bad insulin reaction on launch day and just flipped the wrong switch? Also, science called and wanted me to tell you that while a tungsten rod shot from space would hit really hard it would have to be either freaking huge or going insanely fast to do the kind of damages shown. F=MA (Force, Mass, Acceleration) you hack writers.
Anyway, the story. Someone has assassinated the leader of Pakistan and it’s up to G.I. Joe to go in and capture nuclear weapons before they go rogue. While shooting a bunch of hapless Pakistanis it is established that the President (Jonathan Pryce-Brazil, Tomorrow Never Dies, Pirates of the Caribbean) has been replaced by Zartan (Arnold Vosloo-Blood Diamond, the Mummy, Chuck) who is using nanobot technology to change his appearance in a special effect so lifted from X-Men you can almost see the suture scars. There is some stuff beforehand establishing that shortest man character ever Duke (Channing Tatum-the Vow, Magic Mike, 21 Jump Street) and Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson-Snitch, Journey 2: Mysterious Island, Fast Five) are like best friends. Zartan calls in an airstrike and kills all of the Joes except for Roadblock, Flint (D.J. Cotrona-Venom, Windfall, Dear John), and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki-Red Dawn, Friday Night Lights, Legion).
The three make it back to the US somehow (I guess they found a plane or something?) and try to hook up with Snake Eyes, who is off doing his own sub plot with Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee-the Good, the Bad, the Weird, I Saw the Devil). Cobra Commander and Destro are in some kind of suspended animation prison so Storm Shadow pretends to be Snake Eyes, kills the Pakistani leader to get this thing going, and gets captured so he can find out where they are being held. They escape with the help of Firefly (Ray Stevenson-Book of Eli, Thor, Punisher War Zone) and some exploding-butt mechanical fire flies. For some reason Cobra Commander leaves Destro in the hoosegow. I guess they figured the movie was already too rich in excellent G.I. Joe characters.
The story kind of jumbles together. Somehow the Secret Service are again incompetent morons and all it takes to get next to the President is a single phone call from some drunk guy. The three Joe’s hook up with their former commander General Joe Colton (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, the Sixth Sense, Pulp Fiction) and try to prove the President is an imposter. They discover his secret Cobra plot (destroy the worlds nuclear weapons then blackmail all the governments with a space based kinetic energy weapon). The Joe’s go against astronomical odds and kill a ton of Cobra guys. Stuff gets blown up, guys get killed (maybe), and other guys get beat up. The end.
The stars:
For some inexplicable reason I like Dwayne Johnson. I guess I think he has a good sense of humor and is the kind of guy I could grab a beer with. One star. The movie stayed more true to the original cartoon and with the exception of the exploding butt flies and a couple other things didn’t stray too far into sci fi fantasy land like the last one did. One star. The girl was pretty easy on the eyes and managed to find an excuse to wear the most amazing hot pants in the history of shorts. One star. I keep saying this for bad action movies but if all you want is mindless violence this film has you covered. One star. Some of the action was pretty entertaining in a stupid way. One star. I can’t say the film was a total waste of time. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes:
If you are a fan of good stories, plot twists, or the narrative process don’t watch this film with any sharp objects nearby. One black hole. Some pretty impressive plot holes, and that whole “how do you motivate guys to commit mass murder” question. One black hole. 
This might sound petty but as a fan of the cartoon I am really pissed they wrote Destro out of the movie. To me Cobra Commander was always more of a comic relief than anything else and Destro was the coolest Cobra (Cobra Commander image courtesy of the TV Show T Shirts). Could they not find a bald guy willing to wear silver spray paint? One black hole. Once again a movie showing the US Secret Service to be the short bus riders of protection. If you want to see a movie that shows them as cool and competent watch In the Line of Fire with Clint Eastwood. One black hole. What sci fi they added to the movie all kind of bugged me. Giant explosions from tiny little robots, motorcycles that break up into guided missiles, and the tungsten rail gun thing (if you can see the rod moving it’s not traveling fast enough to do a lot of damage). One black hole. I could literally see the PG-13 rating dragging the action down like an anchor, and a lot of it got super dumb. One black hole. The Bruce Willis character felt really forced in, like a fifth wisdom tooth you never had removed. One black hole. The whole Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes sub plot was out of place, and if you had not seen the first movie or were not a fan of the cartoon you would not have had any idea what the hell was going on. Plus a couple other sub plots that went nowhere and added nothing. One black hole. The real issue for me here is G.I. Joe was always about teamwork and in this movie they killed off most of the team and created four (five if you count Bruce Willis) individual action heroes. G.I. Joe was never about a single guy (or girl). One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So a grand total of three black holes. Not great, but still entertaining if you go expecting the right things. What bugs me is as a fan of G.I. Joe it would not have taken a lot to make me happy. I honestly think it was a mistake to cast big names like Bruce or Dwayne. Oh, well. See it if you are a fan or just want to be entertained by guns and explosions. Date movie? Not at all. More girls have watched Star Trek in their lives than a G.I. Joe cartoon, and you will lose massive credibility. Bathroom break? The scene towards the end when they are planning the big attack on the peace summit (why does that sentence amuse me?) is a pretty good place. The film seems longer than it’s 110 minutes (I almost gave them a hole for bad pacing but it wasn’t horrible) so you will probably need it.
Thanks for reading. More to see this weekend including the Evil Dead. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments on this movie or my review here. Off topic question or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. If you get a chance check out Harbinger Wars, a comic by the people at a publishing company called Valiant. I met them at Wonder Con and they seemed cool. Talk to you soon.
Dave
A sad day for Science Fiction
This is kind of a personal thing but since this is my blog I figured I can indulge myself. I found out this morning that Iain Banks, brilliant author of the Culture series, has late stage cancer. He is easily my favorite author and Use of Weapons is my all time favorite book. If you have not read it I highly recommend you do.
I stumbled upon that book while looking for almost anything and the cover drew me in. It was a cool picture of a city burning, and at the time I was really into military sci fi. The story however blew my mind. Mr. Banks crafts a narrative like no other and draws you into his characters amazingly well. His books are full of cool twists and plot points, and the Culture series is a shocking rich setting. If you enjoy Use of Weapons the next two I would recommend would be the Player of Games and Consider Phlebas. Both are excellent.
His books always have a dark side which I appreciate. However if you like the darkness check out some of his non-sci fi fiction. They make his sci fi look like a Smurfs episode. The Wasp Factory is as dark and grim as anything you could consider and if that doesn’t ruin your life (in a good way) read the Crow Road.
Anyway, it is a sad day not only for sci fi but in my opinion literature. He is penultimate example of where science fiction could go with the right amount of imagination based in reality, and makes most of the amateurish work out there look like 4th grade creative writing assignments (for example the book they based the movie I last reviewed on). 
If there were a god and he loved nerds he would send a miracle to Mr. Banks.
Dave
(Nerd message courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
The Host Movie Review
The Host-ess with the Least-ess.
There was definitely some kind of brain parasite thing happening in that theater. I just think it came from Hollywood, not outer space.
When I saw the trailer for the first time I thought it could be decent. The premise seemed OK like a more modern version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Then I saw it was based on a book by the bane-of-all-teenage-girls-IQ Stephanie Meyer and realized that the awful re-imagining that she did for vampires in Twilight she was about to do to aliens. She is like a virus that moves from nerd sub genre to nerd sub genre, infecting each one with sizzle chested man/boys and pasty bland emotionless fembots who the man/boys are desperate for for no discernible reason (when all available evidence kind of indicates that they should be more into each other).
The good news is that Kristen Stewart now has some serious competition in her quest to be named the blandiest porridge in the history of cinema (and humanity). I guess Hollywood has determined the optimum formula for vacuuming disposable income from teenie bopper girls purses and a big part of that is an actress who’s scenes could be more or less handled by a cardboard cutout of herself. However, I don’t want to be unfair to the actress Saoirse Ronan (Hanna, The Lovely Bones, Atonement). Her character is supposed to start out as an emotionless automaton and I guess I have seen her act in other films. We have plenty of proof outside of Twilight that Kristin Stewart is the acting equivalent of watching paint dry, so I guess I will have to see Saoirse in something else before casting my vote.
If I were to compile a list of Stephanie Meyer’s shortcomings as an author it would be a novel unto itself. However, there are a couple things that really stand out here. One is the fact that she does absolutely nothing to establish any motivation for any of the characters to do anything whatsoever. I will show some examples later on but I think when she writes she has a sub plot going on in her head that somehow doesn’t show up on the screen. Perhaps she does more to establish why Wanda would want to die or the head Seeker didn’t just jump to another body in her novel but I promise I would literally eat that book before reading it. When characters do something that goes against all previously established behavior and experience you need to lay out some kind of reason for them to do it besides the fact that it moves your anemic story along.
I am a fan of things that expose the masses of humanity in general and young ladies specifically to nerdy things, which is why I more or less gave Warm Bodies a bye. However, as an introduction to the world of Sci Fi this film is Babies First Alien Movie (as well as Babies First Dialog, Story, and Plot). The thing that people who don’t really get science fiction (I’m looking at you, Ms. Meyer) seem to always miss is that the word science is in there. In other words, while having something be fanciful is totally cool there has to be some kind of link to reality. 
This is why on Star Trek they talk about the Warp Core, or in the Empire Strikes Back they spend half the movie trying to fix the dilapidated hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon (Falcon image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category). In this film they more or less created a sci fi-ish world with no attempt to establish how it was created or how the aliens even function. The story is left riddled with plot holes and demands too much of your suspension of disbelief.
Let me elaborate a little on the plot holes. OK, so alien dandelions come to Earth. They can take over a human by cutting the side of the neck and entering the brain of the host. They arrive in a big grid that looks like a slow motion Lazerium show. How exactly did the very first alien get in the first human? Without a host they are about as effective as a mild fart and can be crushed in a person’s hand, so how did they even get a foothold on this planet? OK, so let’s assume the first human they met up with was some kind of idiot and ingested one. The aliens (called Souls) are all hundreds of years old and act like one of them dying is the worst thing in the universe. They live in total peace and harmony with everything and hate violence. How exactly did they conquer the planet? Did all of humanity forget how to use guns? There is a scene early on where four Seekers are coming up with a guy. He has a revolver and uses it to kill himself rather than be taken, but all the Seekers ever seem to use is a knock out spray that has a range of about a foot. It is shown later on that bullets kill infected humans and last time I checked 6 bullets > 4 Seekers so why didn’t the guy just cap them? If a Soul dying is the worst thing ever what happened to the billions they must have lost trying to conquer this planet?
See, I would buy a parasite that conquers the planet if the movie makers had made the slightest effort to establish the parameters of how this happened but I guess that would have taken away from valuable emotionless screen time. Telling us that the Souls have conquered the world loses credibility when you see one get knocked out by a little girly man and bundled into a truck for vivisection.
I want to bitch about one more thing before I get into the story. The point of the movie is the main character gets infected by a Soul but is able to communicate with with her. The Soul uses the girls noise hole to speak but the girl trapped in her head just speaks in her head. This could have been done any number of ways but the movie makers did the laziest thing possible by just playing the girls voice loudly every time she needed to say something. Have you ever gone to the movies and had some bratty 16 year old girl yelling at the screen every three seconds right next to your ear? If so you know what watching this movie is like. I would have been much happier with a subtitle of some kind. The funny thing is the voice over emoted about 100 times the emotion as the actual girl on the screen.
Anyway, the story. Humanity has been conquered by glowing dust bunnies who turn your eyes silver and live in total peace. A young girl named Melanie (Saorie) is captured and infected with one named Wanderer. Apparently these aliens are the universes biggest tourists ever and travel from world to world like retirees going from Las Vegas to Branson. Malenie can still speak to her and occasionally act out. Wanderer is interviewed by a Seeker (Rachel Roberts-In Time, S1m0ne, How to Seduce Difficult Women) who wants to use her hosts memories to track down the other rebel humans who appear to pose no threat whatsoever to the ruling order. Melanie is concerned with protecting her brother (Chandler Canterbury-Knowing, the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Repo Men) and her boyfriend Jared (Max Irons-Red Riding Hood, Dorian Grey, Being Julia). Melanie convinces her parasite to help them and they escape and drive off into the desert, where she wrecks the car and leaves them stranded. They wander the desert and get picked up by her Uncle Jeb (William Hurt-Iron Man, Dark City, a History of Violence) and a bunch of rebel humans.
They all want to kill her but Jared is there and still loves her. She gets taken back to their cave. One guy in particular named Ian (Jake Abel-Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, the Lovely Bones, I am Number Four) wants her dead but then falls in love with her for no reason. At that point she is a bland actress being wooed by two different hot young guys for whom she has similar emotions (does that at all sound familiar?). Meanwhile the Seekers are on their asses. Turns out the humans have been vivisecting infected humans in an attempt to get the parasites out (finally a plot point I can agree with) but it only results in the death of both. Wanderer (now shortened to Wanda) shows them out to coax the Souls out with love instead of scalpels but in payment wants to die (?? Remember all that missing character motivation? There was a lot of it but this was the highlight). Now all the humans have to do is capture every infected human on the planet and happy the aliens out of them. Win! Also Stephanie pulls another inanely happy ending out of the deepest recesses of her ass.
The stars. Hmm. I’m at a loss. The acting was crap. The sci fi tertiary at best. The story sucked. The action was extremely limited and about as exciting as watching Youth Soccer when you don’t have a kid playing. I suppose I like William Hurt. One star. Also the Seekers used chrome plated Lotus’s as police cars which technically makes them the coolest cops since Robocop. One star. Total: two stars.
The black holes. The acting was crap. One black hole. The sci fi tertiary at best (do me a favor and treat sci fi with respect, not a cheesy tool with which to build a lame star crossed romance on). One black hole. The chemistry between the two guys and the girl needed some coffee (or a massive dose of crystal meth). Pulseless. One black hole. What action there was looked like they added it only under protest. Somewhere along the line a producer with a few brain cells said “Hey, there is absolutely nothing going on in this movie except some lame chick talking to herself. Film a gun fight quick!”. One black hole. Plot holes a go go. One black hole. The pacing dragged on and on. 125 minutes and you will feel every one of them. One black hole. The voice over inner voice thing drove me nuts the whole time. One black hole. No character motivation. One black hole. An extra black hole for the whole “coax them out with love” thing. Made zero sense. One black hole. Plus a really pointless and stupid ending with an obvious hook at making a sequel. One black hole. Total: ten black holes.
So a final total of eight black holes. It is at times like this that I find myself happy with the American movie audience. You see this movie tanked hard, opening with less than 1/6th of the sales of Twilight. Should you see it? No not really. It is everything you hated in Twilight sans vampires. If you are a sweaty Stephanie Meyer fan I suppose, or just want to have the barest exposure to science fiction without the danger of actually meeting some nerds. However, if you are that type of person I don’t know what you are doing here anyway. Have fun at your mall of choice. Date movie? Only if you plan to become the lamest couple ever. Bathroom break? Literally anywhere you like, and by that I mean feel free to go on the movie projector. Someone in the audience will thank you.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post comments on this movie or my review here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. More to see soon so check back later this week. By the way I am just back from WonderCon where I had a great time. I met a bunch of really cool artist and comic publishers and am going to try to throw them some link love. I met this girl named Stephanie Gladden who does a cool comic called Girls of Monster Paradise. She used to work at Cartoon Network and her art has a very Johnny Bravo look to it that I appreciate. Check it out.
Dave
Spring Breakers Movie Review
Words literally fail me.
After a nights rest I am not going to say what I originally was going to: that unless any new movies cause their audience to commit mass seppuku before the third act than we have a winner for the worst film of 2013. In the traditional sense of what makes a movie a movie (plot, story, character development, a point) this film manages to have nothing. It is essentially an extended Girls Gone Wild video mated with one of those first person shooter video games where you can unlock the option to skin all the characters as hot girls in bikinis.
Where all other viewers (and to a certain extent myself) are giving this film a bye is the fact that it is directed by Harmony Korine, the guy to did Kids at age 19. His credibility is causing everyone to desperately seek any artistic merit whatsoever like an homeless alcoholic going through the trash behind a bar, sucking at every empty bottle in hopes of finding a little bit of booze. As a former art student I can tell you that you can find artistic meaning and purpose in anything if you want to badly enough. Thus most reviewers are finding something worthwhile in this film; however I would submit that if it were not for Harmony Korine they would be trashing this film like a half a turkey left outside for a week.
So like all other pretentious reviewers I have found some artistic value to this film. It does do some pretty amazing camera work, especially in the area of showing hot young women writhing topless in a bikini while booze is poured all over them and the sun glistens from their perfect skin like hot sexy little diamonds and…I’m sorry was I typing something? The one thing that managed to break in this movie was my respect for women. I can’t figure out if Korine is doing something tongue-in-cheek with regards to the exploitation of women’s bodies in film or just likes to shoot hot chicks in bikinis. In either case huge swaths of this film play out like a porn shoot with a budget and a slow motion effect.
The other part most other reviewers are lauding is the performance of James Franco. I will say he nailed his Cajun gangster character but once you go over his accent, grill, and tattoos you are left with a flat two dimensional character who reeks of artifice. Ever see one of those homemade YouTube videos where some wannabe gangster talks about what a hustler and pimp he is and how many guns and ho’s he has? Well, imagine that for 45 minutes and make him white and you have Franco’s character.
Flat characters are endemic in this film. The four girls could be called the brunette Christian girl and Blond Bimbo’s 1, 2, and 3. The Christian girl has a modest amount of depth, but the other three are as flat, uninteresting, and interchangeable as three machine washers. The funny thing is the girl with the most character is shuffled off the movie early and as soon as one of the other three actually develops a little interest she hops on the bus. The remaining two I defy anyone to tell me how I was supposed to distinguish from each other.
The weird thing about this movie is I can’t really tell who it was about. At first it seems like it was about the Faith, the Christian girl (oh, I see what they did there. Clever) as she was the only one who seemed to have anything going on or any kind of angst about the situation, but she buses home about halfway through the film. The other three girls are pretty much gangster bimbo robots. You might think it’s about Alien but he is portrayed more as an antagonist and really only serves to propel the girls from place to place. It’s surreal.
I will give Korine props for probably coming in way under budget on this film as he seems to have only shot about half of the needed scenes and filled up the rest with flash-somethings all taken from other scenes already shown or about to be shown. Flash backs, flash forwards, and flash sideways cut scenes are used to fill up every monolog and even action or plot scenes. The net effect is to make the film really repetitive, especially when the same monologs and scene sequences are used over and over again. This is where the artistic appreciation comes in and I believe I have seen similar videos back in art school.
The story, for what it is. Spoilers incoming but if you are going to this film for the story you should probably just go stick your head in a sewage pipe. Four hot girls Faith, Candy, Brit, and Cotty (Selena Gomez-Hotel Transylvania, Monte Carlo, Another Cinderella Story, Vanessa Hudgens-Sucker Punch, High School Musical, Thirteen, Ashley Benson-Bring it On; in it to Win it, Pretty Little Liars, 13 Going on 30, Rachel Korine-Mister Lonely, the 4th Dimension, Lotus Community Workshop) go to the most boring college since my own Dullsville alma mater UC Irvine. Faith is the good Christian girl while the other three are exactly the slutty bimbos every college boy dreams his classmates are. They dream of going to St. Petersburg Florida for spring break but are short on cash. The three bimbos opt to rob a chicken joint with squirt guns and a hammer and off the four go (Image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). At that point watch any Carson Daly Spring Break special and you have the next 30 minutes of film. Eventually the girls get arrested for partying too hard and get bailed out by local rap star and drug dealer Alien (James Franco-Oz the Great and Powerful, Spider Man, Rise of the Planet of the Apes) who wants them for sex or something (character motivation is apparently an alien concept to Mr. Korine). They hang out with him for a while as he shows off how much drugs, money, and guns he has until Faith gets (correctly) creeped out and heads home. The other three join Alien in a crime spree which seems to mostly involve dancing in bikinis with guns and robbing tourists. Implied sex occurs, which is weird since the rest of the movie seems to have no problems showing off naked women. Meanwhile Aliens old best friend Archie (Gucci Mane-Beef 4. That’s about it. I guess he’s some kind of rap star or something?) is now his enemy and decides to kill him. They do a drive by and one of the girls gets shot in the arm. She actually gets a little interesting at that point but before she clutters up the screen with any pesky character development gets on another bus to head home. The two remaining girls and Alien go after Archie and Alien gets shot before the two girls get involved in a gun fight with a dozen gangsters that is so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh out loud. The end.
If that story seems a little short that’s because most of the film is filled up with flash backs and repetition.
The stars. I’ll give one for James Franco. He did a decent job. One star. The four girls were very easy on the eyes. One star. Lots of nudity (although you will see a significant disparity between the hotness of the girls who take their tops off and the girls who do not). One star. The former artist in me has to give one for at least attempting to do something artistic (if that is what Korine was actually trying to do and not, as I suspect, just messing around and laughing at the audience). One star. Four stars.
The black holes. No real story. One black hole. No characters to really identify with, and as soon as you start to that character wanders off the screen. Two black holes. A complete failure in establishing tone. I think this movie was supposed to be a serious film with some kind of meaning but the audience literally spent most of the movie laughing their asses off. One black hole. With the exception of Franco most of the acting was flat and mediocre, with none of the girls doing anything to establish any kind of separate identity. It was like watching a hot blond creature with three heads. One black hole. Repetitive as hell. One black hole. The action sequence at the end (that by that point I was dying for) broke all ability to suspend disbelief and firmly cemented this film in the ridiculous zone. One black hole. None of the characters seem to have any kind of motivation to do anything other than PARTEEEEEE! One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
So four black holes. Is it worth seeing? If I am wrong and there is significant artistic merit or if you just want to watch topless women dance in the sun in slow motion then yes. However, I will liken my movie going experience to this: have you ever ridden shotgun with someone who drives significantly faster or slower or just does things different from the way you do and you spend the whole trip wishing you had a steering wheel, gas, and brake on your side? That’s pretty much how I felt while sitting in the theater, although had I had a steering wheel I might have just driven this thing off the nearest cliff. Date movie? Hell no. Bathroom break? The repetitive nature of the film means you can pretty much cut out anywhere you like, but if you are looking for a particularly worthless scene (that’s like looking for a particularly boring part of West Texas) the scene where Alien sits at his piano and starts singing a Brittney Spears song (no joke) goes on forever and has no bearing on anything.
Thanks for reading. I’m headed to WonderCon in Anaheim this weekend so I might not have a lot of writing time, which sucks as there is a lot of stuff to see this weekend. I’ll try to have something to write for Monday. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Comments on this film or my review can be left at the bottom of this page and off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected].
By the way, I’m not myself a huge fan of the theater but I heard about a live play that is some kind of Sci Fi crime drama involving virtual reality. Since my ultimate goal is to end up a brain in a jar hooked to a computer this is of great interest to me. If any of you are are in the Culver City area check out the Nether and let me know what you think. Looks cool. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Croods 3D Movie Review
Title failure.
I get the joke. Crood = crude as in neanderthals. However, the title literally says nothing about the film and is a made up word that sounds like it could be mistaken for a weird sexual sub culture like cloppers or steampunks. Also do you want the word crude in your title if you movie is not about oil? Most kids movie titles have a simple description in them. Toy Story was a story about toys. Finding Nemo was about finding a fish named Nemo. Cars was about cars. You get the picture.
Title aside, how was the movie? Not bad. Definitely leaned more towards kids than adults in the humor section, but Dreamworks does know how to craft an animated movie. Honestly I would say it was slightly less than I had hoped for but at least in the range of what I expected. 
The humor and story didn’t have all the adult appeal that a better film such as the Incredibles would include (Incredibles logo from the Cartoon T Shirt category) but there was the attempt. It’s definitely a movie that pretty much anyone on the planet of almost any age can enjoy, which is what all “family” movies look for.
Kids movies are hard to review. As I have stated before I don’t do my usual stars/black holes routine for them as I think quantifying a kids movie is a waste of time. If I were to hit this movie for specific annoyances one thing that would definitely hit them for would be the sound track. I don’t know who they got to produce the music (oh, wait. Yes I do. Thank you IMDB. Alan Sivestri-the Avengers, Captain America, Beowolf) but he must have been watching a lot of 70’s porn lately (actually that kind of makes sense when you consider Ron Jeremy looks a lot like a cave man. By the way if you just laughed you are officially a degenerate). The music is intrusive as hell and really got on me. It’s not all 70’s porn but rather a mishmash of bad choices all designed to get on my jock. I rarely notice a soundtrack in any movie I see so when I do you know it’s bugging me.
I will say I was pleased to see a role that Nicolas Cage could get behind and do really well with. His last couple of movies have not been where you would imagine a career spanning 3 decades would want to go.
The story is of the Croods, a family of cave men (and women) who live in a cave and spend their lives in fear of everything outside, which for the most part all wants to eat them. The father Grug (Nicolas Cage-Drive Angry, Season of the Witch, Valley Girl) teaches his family that anything new is to be feared and their best chance to be safe is to never leave the cave except when looking for food. The rest of the family (wife Ugga (Catherine Keener-Into the Wild, Being John Malkovich, the 40 Year Old Virgin), son Thunk (Clark Duke-Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Sex Drive), grandmother Gran (Cloris Leachman-Young Frankenstein, the Iron Giant, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid), baby Sandy (Randy Thom-the Incredibles, How to Train Your Dragon, Forrest Gump)) all agree with him with the exception of teenage daughter Eep (Emma Stone-Crazy, Stupid Love, Zombieland, the Help) who wants to explore. She sneaks out one night and meets Guy (Ryan Reynolds-Green Lantern, the Change Up, Safe House), a more advanced human who has the secret to fire. He tells her that the world is coming to an end and they have to get to higher ground or something.
Now go rent Ice Age: the Meltdown and you have the rest of the movie. The family has to keep moving to stay ahead of the wall of impending doom while overcoming assorted prehistoric (sort of. Not sure if this is supposed to be Earth at all. I don’t recall giant birds with four wings or rodents with two heads connected by a long tail from my Natural History class) obstacles. Grug is threatened by the presence of Guy while Eep has the hots for him. Lots of comic relieve shows up, as well as a ton of cute future plush toys.
Like I said I won’t do the whole star/black hole thing. I judge kids movies by how the kids in the audience seem to be acting and for the most part they all appeared to be enjoying it. None of them got bored and started acting out, so I guess if you are trying to keep your children entertained you could do a lot worse. Would I want to take my non-existant children to see it? Probably. Nothing to damage their tender brains (or my toughened one for that matter). Funny enough to keep mom and dad entertained but not so engrossing that if one of you wanted to bunk out for a smoke and make a phone call or three you would miss much. I predict this DVD will grace many a family entertainment collection in order to keep the kids out of your hair. By the way, the 3D was remarkably ineffective for an animated film.
Date movie? Sure, for mom and dad with kids. The movie isn’t so amazing or iconographic that a single girl you are courting will get turned on by it (plus no princesses). Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but the best place is probably when the family is up in the tree resting and Grug is trying to come up with ideas.
Thenks for reading. I might not be able to post again until Tuesday. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Post comments on this film or my review here, and if you have an off topic question or comment feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
I have a new favorite holiday.
So I just found out that June 1st is National Punch a Hipster and I couldn’t be more excited. I am already putting together a posse to cruise Temescal and the Mission District. Most holidays I celebrate by playing video games or staring morosely at my TV, but now I have a holiday I’m actually excited to participate in. Also, rather than playing pretend violence I get to participate in some real violence!
In truth I doubt I will punch anyone. I’m really not a violent person. However, be warned on June 1st if you cross my path and are dressed like a ’70s flood victim, spent an hour making your hair look like you just got caught in a wind storm (or had someone really fart in your face), are willing to argue for an hour that vinyl records just sound better than digital, and know that iPads are mainstream but are using one ironically there is a pretty good chance you will get your aviator sun glasses pushed into your face with my fist. If you are doing all that while riding a fixie there is a very good chance it will happen.
Die Hipster Scum image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category.
Dave
