Gangster Squad Review
A well executed but ultimately lazy film.
I think one day I would like to be a movie producer (one of those producers who doesn’t really produce anything but gets to sit in on the meetings and gets a big screen credit) if only to see how the creative process actually works for film. In my mind I see this film starting with a cool concept taken from actual historic events, casting that would be any directors wet dream, high production values, and in the last three days before production they pay $50 each to a drunken creative writing student, a Minnesota housewife who watches soap operas all day, and a homeless meth head who used to work in a video store to write out the script.
It boggles my mind that a film with a $60,000,000 budget wouldn’t take 1 lousy million and hire the greatest, most creative writers in the history of of film to craft an amazing original story. Instead they seem to treat the writing as secondary to casting, filming, special effects, marketing, and catering so you end up with 113 minutes of formulaic, cliche pap. “We need a reason for Ryan Gosling to join up and hate the crime boss. How about some kid who shines his shoes gets killed in a drive by shooting? We also need a reason for the main character to risk almost certain death when he has a pregnant wife at home and no real reason to care. How about we give him no real reason at all?”
The movie looks nice and you will definitely be drawn in to the Sean Penn character, but the motivations are suspect at best, the action is kind of tepid, the good guy who is going to die couldn’t have been more obvious if they had shown sniper cross hairs on him in every scene, and every event is about as predictable as saying a burst septic tank is going to smell bad. I took the liberty of looking up the screenplay writer (I don’t actually hold the book author responsible. He is writing a book which has a different aesthetic) and with the exception of Castle (where it is not only OK but kind of expected that there be a certain amount of camp cliche) his biggest movie to date is…Gangster Squad. Again, $60,000,000 budget. Why not hire a proven writer?
By they way, he is working on movies that I completely expect to suck like the worlds biggest Hoover: Logans Run (want to see how Hollywood takes amazing movies and remakes them in to lame crap (oh, wait. We just had Red Dawn)?), Lethal Weapon 5 (milk a dead cow a go go), and Justice League (never let it be said that DC isn’t willing to jump on the “Missed the Boat” boat). However, due to the fact that I enjoy Castle I won’t name his name.
Anyway, the movie (some spoilers inc.). Sean Penn (Tree of Life, Colors, Milk) plays Mikey Cohen, a former prizefighter turned gangster who runs crime in LA. Sgt. John O’Mara (Josh Brolin-Goonies, No Country for Old Men, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Truffle shuffle image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) is recruited by Police Chief Parker (Nick Nolte-Cape Fear, 48 Hours, the Thin Red Line) to gun down criminal elements in LA (Parkers motivation is also missing). O’Mara recruits Ryan Gosling (Crazy, Stupid Love (where he also had a romance with Emma Stone), Drive, Ides of March) as Sgt. Jerry Wooters, a sexy, well dressed, deadpan pretty boy who transmits few if any emotions at any time (in other words, every role Ryan Gosling has ever had). He hooks up with Grace Faraday (Emma Stone-the Help, the Amazing Spider Man, Zombieland), who just happens to be Mikey Cohen’s girlfriend (see what I mean about lazy?). His shoe shine kid gets killed in a drive by. He recruits a posse of red shirts including token black guy (Anthony Mackie-Hurt Locker, Real Steel, Million Dollar Baby), token Mexican guy (Michael Pena-Crash, End of Watch, Crash), and a couple of other guys including a dead man walking (Giovanni Ribisi-Saving Private Ryan, Avatar, Gone in Sixty Seconds).
They start taking down mob businesses (if you have ever seen the Untouchables you can probably fast forward about 40 minutes) until the inevitable trap/retribution. Stuff gets blown up, guys get shot, and the fate of the city of LA boils down to a completely unnecessary (from both the film’s perspective and the story) boxing match.
The stars. I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining (there’s your quote for the back of the DvD box: “‘I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining.’-the Nerd Blog”). Two stars. Sean Penn more or less made the movie happen. Two stars. The rest of the cast did well. One stars. Emma Stone is quite the heart breaker. One star. The period portions were dead on and cool (cars, clothes,etc). One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The story was about as formulaic and derivative as a Choose Your Own Adventure novel with half the pages ripped out. One black hole. The action was actually kind of silly to the detriment of the film. One black hole. The only character that had any motivation to do anything at all was Mikey Cohen. The rest of the gang looked and acted like guys who got caught up in the spirit of a riot and then later wonder what the hell they were thinking. One black hole. Any time a main character does something you know is stupid the movie takes a detour into the Valley of Suck, and O’Mara’s decision to duke it out with a professional boxer for no reason whatsoever was less a detour and more a drive off a cliff. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. The cast is good and it is well executed, but this film is firmly in the land of the mediocre. Should you see it? Sure, why not? It will entertain you without any of that pesky thinking that so clutters up better written movies. Date movie? I suppose, as long as you can stand up to being compared to Ryan Gosling. Nothing in here will put her off. Bathroom break? There’s a 50’s style barbeque scene that could be pretty easily missed. It’s early, so if you need a break later on I’d say the scene where Cohen is looking for a bug in his house. Honestly, there isn’t a lot of this film that I would say is 100% necessary. You can pretty much extrapolate any scene you miss by just assuming they did the easiest, most cliche thing available.
Thanks for reading. Lots coming up this weekend, but unfortunately I have something I’m doing for pretty much all of the weekend. Believe it or not it’s even weirder and more nerdy than Warhammer. I’ll try to see something tonight. If you have comments about this film or my review feel free to post them here. Follow me on Twitter for the one Tweet a day I tend to do @nerdkungfu. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Flight Movie Review
Cousin Nora reporting in for movie review #2—and also a theatre review for San Francisco Bay Area local folks. Last Wednesday, I went to see Flight at the New Parkway Theatre in Oakland with my friend Sr. Mary (yes, I hang out with nuns, especially hilarious and cool ones, like Mary, aka, “Sista”). Seeing this particular movie probably wasn’t such a great idea for Sr. Mary, since she was flying to Chicago the next day, but we both left the theater in awe of Denzel Washington and the recurring statement was, “That was a good movie.” So here are some thoughts about the movie and about the New Parkway, a “living room” theater complete with couches, food, and booze.
About the movie: Wow, Denzel rocked my world. I’ve never been one of those people who’ve thought Denzel super hot; now, I know this might surprise those of you who know me, but it’s true. But this movie converted me to a true Denzel fan. I’ve always appreciated his acting talents and especially enjoyed him in “Man on Fire,” partially because he protected Dakota Fanning, who looks like my niece. Anyhow, Denzel in Flight was monumental. The opening scene captures the movie very nicely: Denzel and hot chick wake up in an anonymous hotel room to a phone call from Denzel’s ex-wife, who’s asking for money. An otherwise cranky and clearly hung-over Denzel ogles his date’s assets (wink) as he argues with the ex-wife. You can see from the paraphernalia strewn about the room that Denzel and friend have had a wild night and, at this point, I wondered whether the chick was a prostitute. You can hear from the phone conversation that Denzel’s an airline pilot who’s about the take the wheel (joystick?) on a morning flight. Yikes. The next shot is of Denzel, cleaned up and looking like the movie star he is, as he walks down the hotel hallway in his pilot uniform. And so begins our ascent…and descent. Keeping the seat belt on for the entire performance is key. White knuckles will also ensue. (note-I stuck in the Airplane image from our collection of Funny T-Shirts. Sorry, I couldn’t resist-Dave)
If you have a fear of flying, don’t see this movie, unless your therapist recommends it as a way to deal with this fear. It’s no spoiler to tell you that, within the first 15 minutes of the movie, there’s a big ‘ol crash – and you’re privy to what happens in the cockpit and in the passenger area when a big ‘ol crash happens. Again, keeping on your seat belt is key. At this point, Sr. Mary and I brace in our crash positions, abandoning any thoughts of enjoying the Parkway’s food and beverage service until we land safely.
Basically, what happens is that the beginning of the movie sets up the fact that Denzel (just shorter to type than Washington) is a one-in-a-million pilot who’s also a raging alcoholic. I’m not giving anything away: The rest of the movie consists of watching Denzel self-destruct over and over again. Every time he reached for another drink, audience members audibly gasped. It was painful to watch. He meets a chick in the hospital who turns out to be a heroin addict and you think, “Oh, man, that’s exactly the wrong person for him to hook up with,” but she actually ends up being the sensible one. Denzel also has an old friend and a lawyer who figure out how they might get him out of the charges…and then there’s John Goodman, who’s more of an addiction accomplice. Goodman’s performance—especially the scene at the end of the movie—is classic, albeit a bit much. But it’s entertaining, for sure.
The whole movie leads up to the crucial episode where Denzel faces the investigatory board at the hearing that will determine his fate. I won’t spoil the ending, but I’ll say this: Denzel is absolutely brilliant throughout the movie. The way he’s able to portray the pilot is nothing less than genius. You feel sorry for him, but you also don’t because the dude has everything and throws it away because he’s too stubborn to sit through an AA meeting. I wanted him to go to prison and sober up. But he seems to think he can kick the habit on his own, but, wow, he’s a mess! The character rang true and had me thinking deep about addicts I’ve known, people who could be intelligent and successful and charming, but were no match for their addictions. This portrayal was painfully authentic and, even if the movie sucked, which it didn’t, it’d be worth it just to see Denzel act. In fact, I’m thinking I might go see it again, something I rarely do because there are always so many movies I want to see. Like in Man on Fire, Denzel’s character is haunting in that he’s simultaneously strong—make it downright bad-ass—but he’s also a hot mess. He’s like real people we all know—maybe even ourselves, to get deep about it. Like I said, this movie converted me into a Denzel fan and I might go back and see some other films just to watch him.
The ending does the performance justice and was well-written. I won’t spoil anything, so just go see it and let me know what you think. Watching that movie made me wonder: Would Denzel been a worse, better, or same pilot if he weren’t loaded? What do you think?
Now, for Bay Area folks, here are my thoughts on the New Parkway: It’s no surprise that it’s great. The Wednesday 2-for-1 special got Sr. Mary and me in the door for $6 total. But first, we had to find the door, which proved a challenge. The theatre is on 24th between Telegraph and Broadway (the Downtown YMCA’s on Broadway at that corner). We knew the theater was on that block, we both know Oakland very well, and yet we drove right past it. We discovered that there’s no sign on the outside of the building and, at night, it was hard to see that the building had spray-painted signage. We scored on a pretty good parking spot, but give yourself some time as parking in that area’s a bit scarce during times when the Y is open. Also, it’s pretty much a dark alley, so don’t leave anything in your car and bring a buddy with you. As for the theatre itself, there was good and bad: The interior signage was also not great, so we wandered into theater 2 thinking it was theater 1. Theater 2 seriously rocked. There were sets of living room arrangements around a big, square room with lots of comfy and retro-fun coaches, settees, and chairs. Some of the arrangements had shelving and all had tables for food and beverages. So we sat down and waited for our food.
The set-up is like the old Parkway, where you order food at the counter and they bring it to you, which is great because you don’t have to schlep your stuff yourself when you’re finding a seat. Anyhow, we sat down on this very groovy red sofa and waited for our stuff, marveling at the décor and set-up. We noted that we were the only people in the theater, but didn’t think much of it. Then our food came and the theater guy told us we were in the wrong theatre. See? Bad signage. So we went to theater 1, which wasn’t nearly as cool or well set up as theater 2. Theater 1 had two levels: The downstairs was set up with dining tables and chairs, with a row of movie theaters on the back of one wall. This room didn’t feel cozy or comfy and, if you were sitting there for the movie, you’d have to look up at the screen. We went upstairs, where the seating consisted mostly of big cushy office chairs with side tables. There were three tiers of seating and we opted for the furthest one back, soon discovering that a railing would block our views of the screen. So we moved down to the second tier, which had a better view, but the screen was below us. I thought this would be annoying, but it wasn’t, maybe because the movie was riveting from early on. The key for theater 1 would be to get there early to get the best seats.
All in all, the décor was funky and chic, just as you’d expect from this venue. The food was really good! I had a “Seinfeldian” salad, which wasn’t what I’d expected (I’m a salad connoisseur), but it was delicious with romaine, bleu cheese, cranberries (or some other dried fruit sweetness), carmelized walnuts, and balsamic. The portion was good and I think it was $7. Sr. Mary had two slices of pizza, one cheese and one with chicken apple sausage and something else I forget. She said they were both good, but the cheese was best. Again, the portions were generous and two slices were around $6 total. We didn’t order drinks—although beer and wine are available—but they had water with lemon available, which was nice. The crowd was fairly typical Oakland and the theater was actually pretty full on the top level. Like the old Parkway, before previews rolled, a staff member came out and greeted the audience, telling us about upcoming events. There weren’t any filmed announcements like the old owner/manager used to do. All in all, the New Parkway’s a great addition to downtown and I’ll definitely go back as often as possible.
Okay, thanks for listening and let me know what you think about Flight! I promised you my dating tips and haven’t forgotten, but wanted to write about this movie before I forgot details and impressions. Over and out for now.
Nora
Zero Dark Thirty Review
A disturbing good movie.
Katherine Bigalow is a very talented movie maker. She has a gritty, no fluff approach that makes for movies that draw you in and engage you in ways guys who think multi million dollar special effects budgets in place of story telling are the way to go never can (cough cough Micheal Bey cough cough). She is an excellent director and I would see and most likely enjoy any film she made.
All her talents are evident in this film and I enjoyed it on many levels. However, this film labors under the curse of not only being derived from real events but derived from real events that we are all intimately familiar with and really care about a lot. I remember being happy when Osama Bin Laden was killed but at the same time being disturbed by the means by which it happened. He was an animal and deserved what happened to him (and were I alone in a room with him I would have happily beaten him to death with the nearest blunt object I could find), but the Unites States is a country of law and seeing men and women of our military and intelligence use water boarding, starvation, sleep deprivation, and summary execution of injured prisoners was really disturbing. This was made even more so in the knowledge that all those things really happened. Like the issue I always had with Titanic the idea of the seven CIA agents killed in a car bomb I just saw on the screen having really died is very off putting, as is the idea that we kept guys naked in a box sleeping in their own filth.
The other victim of the “based on true events” demon is the idea of a story arc. As this film is chronicled over ten years of real events there wasn’t much opportunity to show anything resembling a three act story line, or any kind of plot complication other than “Where the hell is he?” I honestly think some opportunities were missed. The main character, Maya (Jessica Chastain-Lawless, Tree of Life, The Help-hey, a trifecta! I think this is the first time I have had a star where I did three or more reviews) could have actually shown a character arc, but we learn so little about her personally and she plays the character so dead pan that you really can’t come to grips with what she is supposed to be feeling. There is some attempt in the last 1/3rd of the film and some kind of breakthrough in the last 30 seconds, but for the most part she was the robotic soulless automaton. 
The story could have also had more of an arc had they tried to dig a little deeper in to the investigation more Scooby Doo like (Scooby Doo image courtesy of the Cartoon T-Shirt category). You know, follow the money trail, etc. Instead it always falls back on to “enhanced interrogation” of insurgents. By the end of the movie the story felt like it was wearing interrogation water wings.
But again, since this is a true story odds are this is actually how it happened and I can’t really fault the movie for that. I’m just saying if you are going to the film in hopes of seeing something that fits into a more traditional story mode prepare to be disappointed. The story isn’t 100% accurate (in fact, I don’t know if it is even 70% accurate) but it was based on as much truth as possible.
I don’t know if I need to go into the story too much. SPOILER ALERT: Osama Bin Laden dies at the end. The movie covers the 10 year investigation to find him, driven for the most part by Maya in spite of some minor issues with other people trying to set other priorities. She was recruited in to the CIA in high school and has done nothing in her adult life beside hunt for OBL. Other than that, we know literally nothing about her. I actually learned more about some of the soldiers who carried out the raid at the end (and consequently like them more).
Anyway, guys get water boarded (and other things that some people might construe as cruel and unusual punishment). Stuff gets blown up. You get to see a little bit of what might be the internal workings of the CIA. After two hours of very little action you get to see an amazing raid by Navy SEALS that was really cool to watch.
The stars. Generally excellent film, with all of the Katherine Bigalow (Point Break, Hurt Locker) style. Three stars. As long as she was supposed to be cast as a remorseless CIA hunter, Jessica Chastain nailed it. One star. From a history perspective the film was really neat. One star. The raid in the Osama compound was super cool. Two stars. You do end up with a certain grim satisfaction at the end of the film even if you are not of a super patriotic bent (if you are you will probably have to change your shorts). One star. Total: Eight stars.
The black holes. If you are particularily empathetic, or feel water boarding is torture, a lot of the stuff our guys had to do to find him will really screw your head up. One black hole. Pacing was erratic. Sometimes it felt like the film was moving incredibly fast, other times it felt like it had gotten stuck in the mud and the director was just spinning the wheels. One black hole. That lack of a story or character arc I discussed earlier. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Should you see it? Probably. If you will be really turned off by the techniques used to hunt him down maybe not, but for the most part this is one of those films every American should see once. Date movie? No, not really. There is nothing going on the screen that will encourage your date to take off her clothes. Bathroom break? That’s a tough one. The scattered nature of this story means that at any moment a critical plot point could be dropped without warning. I’d say your best bet is the scene in Langley where the guy in charge bitches out everyone about how they suck at finding OBL and his cronies. It’s actually a good scene, but doesn’t contribute anything to the plot.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to post comments on this film or review here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected] (invitations by studios to see advanced screenings of movies are particularly welcome. If there are any studio marketing people amoung my tens of readers I’ll buy you a Slurpee if you can make that happen). Follow me on Twitter or subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks and have a great day.
Dave
2012 Recap: the 10 Worst Films of 2012
To those of you new to my blog and my style, I should tell you that I have been looking forward to this post for a while. Seeing all the movies and writing reviews is fun about half the time; the other half the time it is like riding an exercise bike while chewing on broken glass with cinderblocks tied to your feet. There is a lot of crap that comes out of Hollywood, and as I see it the bad movies owe me something for the time and money I wasted watching them. This is where I get some payback, and I enjoy every word of it.
This portion of the review process I like to think of as akin to clubbing baby seals, except that the seals in this case all made the conscious decision to suck and are not at all cute and helpless. Clubbing seals is a horrific crime, whereas clubbing these films could be seen as a public service. If a film doesn’t want to get clubbed it should make an effort to be at least competently made.
In reviewing this list and my top ten I can honestly say 2012 was kind of mediocre. There were no obvious stand outs in both amazing and horrible. The bell curve of movies has gotten taller, with more films hovering around the bland middle like a bunch of artists around the snack table at the worlds most boring gallery opening.
10. Won’t Back Down-The presence of dream woman Maggie Gyllenhaal and the acting of Violla Davis kept this one from dropping any further than number 10, but the time I spent trying to map out the blood vessels in the inside of my eyelids means this film earned its place here. Remember when “drama” meant that there was some kind of opposition the protagonists had to overcome? Apparently the director of this film doesn’t.
9. Joyful Noise-The dialog from this movie could be used to strip paint. If there is one thing that is worse than a trite, worthless story in a movie it’s a movie broken down into a dozen trite, worthless stories that all chew through the script like the worlds stupidest and most relentless termite infestation. Also, can Hollywood stop trying to convince us that there are massive rewards for being the worlds best choir, acapella singer, dancer, or karaoke performer? If you want to see the logical conclusion of that concept check out the Dance Dance Revolution post-apocalypse movie.
8. This Means War-As a guy who has a hard time dating women because I can’t be enough of a “bad boy” (apparently. If more women knew about my secret plan to conquer the world I think I might be seen as a little sexier) and who sees his female friends only date the biggest selection of abusive losers the human race has ever seen, this film made me laugh by basing a romance on all the worst decisions two men and a woman could ever make. The action was like a kid playing with his action figures, and if you weren’t at all creeped out by the fact that the two main guys should have about a dozen stalker restraining orders each than you must have a few of your own. I took particular pleasure in trashing this film mainly because it was directed by McG, the oil tanker spill of film making.
7. Rock of Ages-You might have noticed when I was bitching about Joyful Noise I didn’t say anything about the music and that’s because the music was actually pretty good. In this film the music is will make you want to burst your own eardrums (with a 12 gauge). Combine that with a story that only compares favorable to reading a phone book aloud and acting that (with some exceptions) ran as if the entire cast had been fasting for weeks and the only thing to eat was the scenery. Tom Cruise was entertaining, and a couple other characters were funny, but not enough to make up for the pain of listening to actors sing mashups of songs I wish had never been made in the first place. (Vitruvian Guitar Man image courtesy of the Vintage T Shirt category)
6. Girl in Progress-When I was compiling my list of films from last year I came across this one and for the life of me couldn’t remember seeing it. This is weird in that I have that special kind of memory that lets me remember scenes and the main story of almost every movie I have ever seen. I can only assume my subconsious repressed this one in order to protect me from more emotional damage. Once I read my review a lot of it came back to me, specifically how awful it was. Nothing in this film is at all appealing, and by the end you are hoping to see one or more of the actors and the director in the parking lot so you can run them over with your car. Also, if you feel like your life lacks creepiness for some reason this is the film for you.
5. One for the Money-This film progresses like a 15 year old kid trying to learn how to drive stick by himself. All jumpy starts, stops, and the smell of your transmission on fire. The script overall reads like it was a byproduct of someone testing out the “million monkeys on a million typewriters” theory. I think this is a good example of why you should never let your star be an Executive Producer unless he or she has a proven track record of well produced films.
4. Battleship-In addition to being a qualified candidate for the Stupidest Movie Concept ever, this movie could also be used as evidence in a court case for the crime of assault on Science (in any country except Italy). The problem I really had with this garbage scow of a film wasn’t so much that it sucked but that if done right it could have actually been decent. I even wrote a follow up blog post about how this film could have been made to not suck. Finally, I hate it when the fate of humanity boils down to a fist fight. MacGuffin plots suck.
3. Red Tails-Yes, I admit that tearing into George Lucas films is one of the few actual joys I have in my life, but how can I not love it when he makes it so damned easy? This thing was clunky and awkward, like a car with two flats, a radiator leak, three bad pistons, and a tank that was filled with Mad Dog instead of gasoline. However, I can’t discount the possibility that this is all some kind of mad genius retroactive marketing campaign. Do any of you think Lucas made this film purposefully horrible in hopes of making Episodes 1, 2, and 3 less craptacular in comparison? If so I say kudos to you George. Job well done.
2. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2-Yes, when I wrote the review I did say it was the best of the Twilight series (I still refuse to call it a saga). However, that is like saying losing one limb in a tree shredder is better than going in head first. Not a lot of originality putting this in my top 2, but I have to go with what I feel. Also, in addition to being an execrable story acted out by wooden marionettes and enhanced with Shrinky-dink quality CGI, this film worries me for the future of America. If millions of teenage girls think this is quality entertainment then in my retirement home I will be watching the return of Teletubbies for adults.
1. Wrath of the Titans-The only thing worse than a bad movie is a bad sequel to a bad movie, and this one scores the bullseye. The two stars I gave it were more or less pity stars, whereas the 14 black holes were each fairly earned. An action film has to really work at it to make me not care at all for any of the characters, and this film succeeds mightily! Honestly, watching this film compares fairly well to watching someone play God of War in his underwear while you suffer from the worst hangover in alcohol history.
Well, that’s my list of shame. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your support in 2012. I plan to see Zero Dark Thirty tomorrow night and review it Saturday. Tomorrow I plan to go through the rest of the movies from last year and just give joke awards to the ones that jump out at me. Feel free to comment here on my list or any of these films, but bear in mind that I can only include films that I actually saw last year. If it didn’t waste two hours of my life I don’t feel the need to dump on it. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Alternatively you join the extremely few who follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Independence Day 2?
Hollywood tries to milk a cow that really never had much milk.
I have long railed against the endless proliferation of remakes and worthless sequels that Hollywood seems intent on spewing forth from every orifice. Some sequels are nice continuations or reimaginings of a good story, and often times will enhance or improve upon the first film. Terminator 2 for example. Some sequels are completely unneccessary blood ticks leeching onto an otherwise great film like a tapeworm that lives in your wallet. Boondock Saints 2. Some rare sequels are a dramatic game changer that takes a bad movie and makes the franchise awesome. Star Trek the Wrath of Khan is the penultimate example of this miracle.
However, occasionally we get the other rarity, a sequel to a really bad movie that looks like it is only going to suck more. I liken this to spending months getting rid of your warts only to have a brand new family of them surface just when you thought you were safe. I think the recent Wrath of the Titans is probably one of the best examples of this unpleasant phenomenon.
Thus we come to the horrible sounding sequel to Independence Day. While I am a fan of alien invasion films (Alien image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) this one is to science fiction what Justin Beiber is to rock and roll. In spite of what everyone who knows nothing about science fiction thinks it is truly awful, and only a star studded cast and decent special effects saved it. To anyone who thinks it was good I offer the following challenge: aside from watching the White House get blown up try to recall any detail regarding the story or plot (I can recall it because I am cursed with a memory that remembers every plot I have ever seen but can’t recall anything I have read in a text book). The more you can remember the better the movie, right?
So we come to the looming possibility of Independence Day 2, most likely sans Will Smith (in spite of his poor choice of scripts I actually like him as an actor). What could this possible add to the story? And before you answer that understand that director Roland Emmerich has never had much interest in doing great stories or anything that is not a special effects exxxxxxxxxtravaganza (in addition to the original Independence Day his filmography includes the Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla 1998, and 2012. Science just called and wants to put a hit out on this guy). Odds are it will be a simple rehashing in hopes of culling 60% of the $811 million that the original made. Most likely it will have some great special effects, some early 20’s heartthrobs (Chris Helmsworth, I can here the call now), 3D to give me a headache, a story that makes one wish for the complexity of See Dick and Jane, and an abuse of science that is akin to childhood molestation.
So what does this mean? For any of you with a brain nothing, since odds are you will skip this travesty. For me it is like my doctor predicting an impending bout of irritable bowel syndrome triggered by massive diarrhia and causing projectile vomiting, and then giving me a release date. Being a reviewer is not always fun in the sun, let me tell you.
Anyway, I need to get back and do my worst 10 of 2012. Nora just saw Flight and is going to review it later. I hope you liked her review. She has a different style than I do (generally less analogies in the form of body function descriptions) but I enjoy it. Talk to you soon.
Dave
This is 40? Um, not so much…
Hi there, this is cousin Nora, signing on for my first movie review. It might be a little rambly, but hopefully you’ll enjoy my perspective. When I chose to see “This is 40,” I did so to avoid more overtly depressing flicks like Django and Les Mis. After a Christmas/New Year’s vacation without any sunshine, I needed to laugh and not think about slavery or oppression, two topics I deal with everyday at work (literally and figuratively, but I’ll refrain from the digression for now…) Anyhow, “This is 40” had its funny moments and great one-liners, but, holy crap, if that were my life at 40, I would’ve shaved my head, packed my s***and headed to Tibet. I couldn’t put my finger on what was so jarring about this movie and why it was taking up so much brainspace after I’d seen it – and it wasn’t that, “Wow, that was provocative” kind of brain space, but more of a “wtf” kind of brainspace. Then my B, Alexis, saw the movie and she summed it up nicely in two words: “Annoying and disheartening.”
Where to begin: The plot. There wasn’t one. This is 40 was a “slice of life” deal that looked at the lives of “Pete” and “Debbie,” who you would know from “Knocked Up,” if you’d seen that. In “Knocked Up,” Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann played Katherine Heigl’s sister and brother-in-law. In small doses, Pete and Debbie’s constant bickering and vitriol was hilarious, but a whole 2 hours of hate and bitterness kinda sucked. Why? Cuz it’s rarely that simple: A couple who hate each other usually do so in much more subtle ways. The characters of Pete and Debbie were constantly bitching at one another and their relationship didn’t show any depth. Every once in a while, they’d have episodes where they professed their love for one another, but that fell flat because, for most of the movie, they were just being complete assholes to one each other.
There was a funny scene where they escaped their two kids – brilliantly played by Judd Apatow’s own little girls. On a sidenote, the little girls were constantly bickering and mean to each other, with only a rare instance of sibling love. 
Anyhow, while at a posh hotel, Pete and Debbie eat some pot cookies and have a party for two (with the room service waiter looking on as they order tray after tray of desserts). But that was just about the only scene where they seemed to like each other at all, so, overall, the relationship came off as shallow. You’re left wondering why these two didn’t get divorced years ago. (Loved & Lost image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
And, speaking of shallow, since this is the nerd blog, I’ll say that, as a nerd, I would be very happy to see this movie because it shows how tiresome and ridiculous the LA/So. Cal. lifestyle can be. Pete and Debbie emBODY that dream: They drive (probably lease) $100k in cars, live in a beautiful home, work out regularly, and look, well, like people from movies. But, just below the surface, you find that both are miserable. In one scene, Debbie confronts her daughter’s classmate, a kid who has a crush on the daughter and, therefore, teases the daughter. The kid even puts the daughter in the “not” category of his “hot or not” list (the ultimate insult for an LA kid, obviously). The kid’s mother ends up being Melissa McCarthy, who gives a brilliant performance when she, Pete, and Debbie are summoned to the principal’s office. In this scene, McCarthy’s character provides commentary on superficiality and she’s funny as hell. Other highlights include the adorable Jason Segal as the unlikely trainer and hot Megan Fox in her underwear/bikini. Also, John Lithgow and Albert Brooks as Debbie and Pete’s dads were interesting, but, again, there was a cringe factor. Which brings me to my main point: This movie didn’t know what it wanted to be when it grew up. Was it a lighthearted comedy? Not so much. Was it a serious look at relationships? Nope, because, like I said, the relationship seemed to consist solely on bitter back-and-forths. And the relationships between other family members (the daughters, Pete and his dad, Debbie and her dad) were also bizarre and under-developed.
So, now that I’ve seen this movie, would I recommend it? Hm. That’s a tough one. It did have some clever writing and I laughed a lot. The acting was fine, which led to a pretty big cringe factor. So here’s the deal: If you’re in a low point in your love life, like maybe you’re on a “guyatus” or a “shebattical” and have just endured a rough holiday season, this might be a good movie for you. It’ll make you grateful to be single. If you’re happily married or in a good relationship, it’ll make you appreciate your partner for their genuine spirit and overall kindness, even if they don’t look like a movie star or drive a BMW. If you’re in a relationship that resembles that of Pete and Debbie, seeing this movie with your “Debbie” or “Pete” might provide a means to finally deal with your misery. But, all in all, this movie didn’t really know what it wanted to be: Was it goofy, funny, and sweet like Knocked Up? No. Was it serious and soul-searching? It was set in LA, so the answer’s obviously no. But it was a weird combo of the two, which made it uncomfortable and awkward. If I were to choose again, I’d skip this movie and just go for Django or Les Mis. With those choices, at least I know what I’m getting into…overall, I give “This is 40” a C+, the C for a movie that’s just sort of “meh” and the plus for good acting and, at times, clever dialogue. And there you have it. Thanks for “listening.”
2012 Recap: Top 10 movies of the year
So another year has gone by and this week I have had the chance to reflect on what I have seen and how it all shakes out. Last year I got kind of in depth but this year I am going to keep it fairly simple with three posts: a best 10, a worst 10, and a general prize posts for things like “Movie Most Likely to Make Me Want to Club Baby Seals”.
Before I go on I’d like to mention my cousin Nora has expressed an interest in posting some of her own movie reviews. She also has some dating advice that is probably even more valuable than my own haphazard collection of misinformation and ill informed theories, mainly due to the fact that she is not only a girl but is several orders of magnitude more successful in the dating world than I am. She also grew up with my other cousin who is something of a chick magnet (no bitter jealousy here, I swear) so she has seen it all.
Bear in mind that these lists and my awards are strictly movies that I actually saw last year, so spare me your “Why isn’t Jiro Dreams of Sushi on this list?” emails and comments. Last year I watched and reviewed 94 movies, which is a lot in anyone’s book (although the year before I did 110, so I must be slacking some). In retrospect as I look over the scores I gave out I realize I have been overly generous. Does Men in Black 3 really rate even 1 star? It looks like I tend to be nicer to sci fi and other nerd movies.
In compiling my list I have used my scores as a guideline, but not an absolute. Some movies are just better than others in spite of the stars or black holes I was able to find in the film. so, without further ado, here is my list of the 10 best films of 2012.
10. End of Watch-Ironically not a lot of people I know saw this film. A found footage film based on the daily lives of two LAPD officers. What made this movie work for me was the amazing intensity the film brought to the screen. Not like a horror movie but instead a consistent level of seat arm gripping. Don’t expect to feel good at the end of this one.
9. the Dictator-I’ll admit I am a Sasha Baron Cohen fan and this film might not be as good as Borat, but I laughed my ass off. I think a lot of people might not have been happy with the exact subject matter, and I think it hilarious when his movies get accused of antisemitism, but if you can unlock your sense of humor I think it’s a great film.
8. the Grey-another movie that manages to break out of the norm and thrill you without car chases and an idiotic master plan to destroy all of Nebraska or something. I love the fact that the director didn’t compromise his vision by pushing out a happy ending like an impacted bowel movement. I don’t know if this is a good example of excellent acting or just really good casting, but Liam Neeson nailed this one. Don’t hold your breath waiting for a sequel here.
7. Moonrise Kingdom-next time I use the word “whimsical” in a review one of you do me the favor of driving over to my place and smothering me with a pillow. That being said, this movie is in all ways cute and fun. Sort of “Stand By Me” meets “Peewee’s Big Adventure“. Also the cast is really impressive. (Stand By Me image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category)
6. the Raid Redemption-when you see as many movies as I do it sometimes feel like you are chained in front of a guy with a fire hose and the hose is shooting out mediocrity. That is more true in the action genre than any other, if only because even movies that try to avoid cliche’s still get hit with the fact that action films in themselves are cliche. The Raid Redemption is one of the few I have seen that really made the whole action thing work without reminding me of every other action film I have seen, starting with Die Hard.
5. Looper-Sci fi is like fine wine to me, and honestly I think I like sci fi better in the dystopic near future of Bladerunner than the fabulous far future of Star Trek. Not only that, but this movie managed to use time travel as a plot device without running into the usual movie time travel paradox: how did the writer get his head so far up his own rectum (I’m talking to you, J.J. Abrams). There are holes but for the most part they were forgivable, leaving us with a great story, excellent performances, and an awesome ending.
4. Dredd-This is one people might disagree with me on. It’s not amazing in the traditional sense of movies like Citizen Kane or the Godfather, but in a very real sense I appreciate it for having a vision of what they wanted to do and executing it perfectly. They wanted to do a Dredd movie that truly derived from the comic book and have it remain exciting and cool. They absolutely succeeded. While I found it highly derivative of the Raid I think the sci fi element more than made up for it. Besides, taking inspiration from another good movie sounds more like a smart move than just lack of imagination. It’s movies that rip off bad movies that end up sucking (cough cough Red Dawn cough cough).
3. Wreck it Ralph-as a kids movie I didn’t give this one a score but if I had it would have ranked up there very high. An excellent kids movie that even adults will really enjoy. All I can say about this film is of all the movies I saw last year this was the only one I saw a second time.
2. the Life of Pi-on paper this film shouldn’t even be in my top ten, but in the viewing you realize how extremely well done and beautiful this movie is. Great story, awesome acting, and a cool subtle darkness that appeals to the side of me that likes grim movies. Well worth watching IMO.
1. Argo-this shouldn’t come as a huge surprise to anyone who read the review I wrote. Phenomenal story, awesome action, and a pacing that somehow managed to make a walk through an outdoor bazaar as exciting as the chase sequence from the Italian Job. It’s place as my Number 1 is cemented not only because it rated 12 stars but because I couldn’t find a single black hole to give it, a singular event indeed. I see this movie as not only a triumph of direction, but also of editing. As close to flawless as a movie can get in my (less than) humble opinion.
That’s my list. Feel free to disagree and post your own opinions in the comments here. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have any off topic suggestions or questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thank you all for reading, and for all your support last year. 2013 is going to rock!
Dave
P.S. Nora just texted me that she is going to write a review for This is 40. Thank god. That movie looked like a good excuse to jump off a bridge, and now I don’t have to go see it.
Jack Reacher Review
Tom Cruise reaches out to show the audience how amazingly awesome he is.
Before I get into this review, I have to tell you why I am doing this particular movie. It came out as I was incredibly busy with work and I was prepared to let it slip through the cracks like so many other movies that just don’t really catch my eye for being what I perceive as blasé. However, I learned (thanks to a brow beating phone conversation) that my dear mother is a huge Lee Child fan and has read every Jack Reacher novel to date. 
She saw the movie (first movie I think she has seen in a theater since Gone With the Wind) and was outraged at what she thought was the ridiculous portrayal of her beloved character. She handed unto me a request (some other people might call it a directive) that I see the film at my earliest convenience and write a review for it (my mother, by the way, is my biggest fan and does sometimes read my blog, a fact that occasionally causes me to awaken in the middle of the night with night terrors).
So I saw the film. Was it any good? Sort of yes and sort of no. If all you want is some action and a slightly more complex story than the usual folderol than yes, it is good. It has action, (some) story, and more action. However, this script definitely stood too long in front of the cliche machine gun and has been riddle with them to the point that the cliches ooze from every pore and orifice. Every thing in this film is taken to such an extreme that is becomes almost laughable; Jack Reacher is SOOO amazingly awesome and the villain is SOOO ridiculously evil that the film disconnects from reality and transforms itself into a cartoon.
From what I know about the Lee Child Jack Reacher character it is indeed laughable to cast Tom Cruise in the role. Jack Reacher is supposed to be 6’5″, 250lbs with blond hair and blue eyes. Tom Cruise is (reportably) somewhere between 5’6″ and 5’9″ (based on the fact that he seems to be at eye level with costar Rosamund Pike I am inclined to go with the 5’6″ reports), dark hair, and if he weighs more that 150lbs I will eat one of the thousands of nerd t shirts I have in the room with me. As a guy who really is 6’5″ and 250lbs I find this almost insulting.
The other thing that is going on here is you can almost hear Tom Cruise pleasuring himself to this movie. His character is the most awesome thing since the invention of fire and the whole movie looks like a vehicle to show the universe that there is no one greater in the history of humanity. I don’t know. Maybe Jack Reacher is written in the books as a combination of James Bond, Bruce Lee, John McClane, and the Six Million Dollar Man, but if not this thing reeks of self gratification vanity project (If I am wrong and Jack Reacher can single handedly best five guys in a fight and is one of the top sniper marksmen in the world than I owe you an apology, Tom).
The weirdest thing for me is the director, Christopher McQuarrie, also did one of my all time favorite movies the Usual Suspects. It is a cool, complicated, and twisted story with perfect pacing and an awesome cast. I can sort of see an attempt at that level of complexity in the first half of this film but eventually what was a good, complex story devolved into a regular action shooter and that stuff at the beginning that seemed so cool early on devolved into a lot of unnecessary plot complication.
The movie starts off with a sniper in a parking garage randomly shooting five people in a clear attempt to shock the audience. He is caught in like 15 seconds of police work by Detective Emerson (David Oyelowo (the Help, Last King of Scottland, Rise of the Planet of the Apes) of the local (now that I think of it, I have no idea what city this was supposed to be taking place it) police department. The shooter turns out to be a trained Army sniper named Barr (Joseph Sikora-Safe, Shutter Island, Boardwalk Empire). He tells them to find Jack Reacher, who has been out of touch for years. Jack shows up like a conjured fairy and gets hired by Barr’s attorney Helen (Rosamund Pike-Surrogates, Die Another Day, Pride and Prejudice) as investegator in spite of the fact that he thinks Barr is guilty.
At that point the story boils down to a by-the-numbers whodunnit. Jack uncovers a conspiracy somehow involving city construction contracts. A pretty girl (Alexia Fast-Helen, Repeaters, Fido (!!! AWESOME. If you haven’t seen this movie you suck. One of the great zombie films IMO) gets him into a fight with the local color and later gets him into more trouble. The most laughable evil yet at the same time non-threatening villain ever (in my opinion) shows up to do evil stuff. The villain (Werner Herzog-Grizzly Man, Rescue Dawn, Encounters at the End of the World) starts off with some incredibly complex plan to execute his evil but at the end of the film has all the complexity of a boss monster in Resident Evil. Robert Duvall surfaces like a submarine to play an ex-Marine Corps sniper for some reason. The denouement was pretty much lifted from Tango and Cash (if you have seen how bad that film is you understand how that was not a compliment). Cars get chased, guys get shot, and at the end Jack Reacher is so amazing that he literally hurts your eyes to gaze upon his countenance.
The stars. If fun action is what you are going for this movie has what you need. One star. There were a couple of really good car chases that were quite enjoyable (although a 70 Chevelle SS should be able to shred an Audi on it’s front grill like a soggy cornflake. American muscle car >>>> any Euro lamo-mobile in all ways that matter). One star. A series stab at something more complex than normal. One star. Overall not a total waste of time and money. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Jack Reacher is so ridiculously awesome at everything (I’m sure even his flatulence has deadly combat potential while still attracting the ladies) that you spend half the movie wondering if this is really some kind of Police Story style spoof. One black hole. If the main character shreds every obstacle with the strength of his mighty masculinity in the course of the movie every aspect of the action and story loses all gravitas and turns into a grind, which is what happened here. One black hole. Only through the magic of camera angles and highly selective supporting actor casting can Tom Cruise even be considered worthy of this role, not to mention capable of contesting with one other human (much less five) in a brawl. One black hole. The story had so much complex potential at the beginning but by the end ended with a stupid brawl in the mud. It also drank deeply from the cliche punch. I’d like to say “It’s no the Usual Suspects” but I think that would just have too much irony even for me. One black hole. The villain was given to us as the most evil man since they cloned Hitler, but very little of his back story was given to allow us to see what he was about. It essentially boiled down to “He’s evil because he has an evil eye and we tell you so. Also he ate his own fingers.” One black hole. Grand total: five black holes.
A grand total of one black hole. Meh. Worth watching if it comes on TV and your remote is out of reach. Nothing on here really needs a big screen so feel free to watch it from the comfort of your couch. Date movie? Probably not. Nothing in here for the ladies except for a bare chested Tom Cruise, and you will suffer greatly in comparison. Bathroom break? Nothing really stands out as being more worthless than the rest of the film. I’d say the scene with Reacher and Helen in the hotel room doesn’t add much, but if you are only here to see Tom Cruise shirtless don’t skip out on this.
Thanks again for reading. More this weekend, plus I have to do my 2012 recap. I think this year I am just going to do my top and bottom 10 in two different posts. Last year I went all complex and at the end of it felt like I might have just wasted a bunch of time. Feel free to comment on this film or my review here. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Djanjo Unchained Review
A good/bad film you might just love/hate.
I saw this the other night and did enjoy it. However, I am truly a Tarantino fan boy and have a deep appreciation of his particular style of good/bad movie making. He writes intriguing characters and situations better than anyone else, and then delivers them without any excess dross to gum up the movie experience. However, he has a deep appreciation of camp that, for someone who thinks camp is a sign of bad movie making, can really hurt the film for the wrong person.
The good news is that, camp aside every part of this film is more or less flawlessly executed. The acting is all around brilliant, the story very interesting (think good comic book origin story without the super powers), and the camera work perfect. In all ways an extremely good example of what filming should be about.
Of course, if I am going to review this film I should address the elephant in the room, the prolific use of the dreaded “N” word. I will say it was used with great frequency. It first it was off putting, then it started to sound a lot like a three year old learning a dirty word and yelling out incessantly, but by the end of the movie I started to see what (I believe) Tarantino was going for with this. You see, this movie more than anything else tries to show the cruelty and dehumanization of the slave trade in the Antebellum South (albeit in a remarkably cartoonish, over the top style. Something of Quentin’s signature, I guess). If you feel you have not felt enough guilt in your life for being Caucasian this film will help you with that. The point is the N word is used with such frequency and in such a workaday manner that it really help illustrate how ingrained and natural the racism really was (and some might say, still is). The characters in this film used it the ease and natural cadence as one today would use the word man or woman, and that successfully drove the racism point home with all the subtlety of a machete used for brain surgery.
It wouldn’t be one of my reviews if I didn’t find something to bitch about, and fortunately there is stuff for me to latch on to. The plot Django and Dr. Schultz cook up by the end of the film to buy Django’s wife out of slavery is needlessly complicated and outright stupid. The whole time they were crafting this elaborate ruse I was thinking “Couldn’t they have just ridden up to the house and offered a large sum of money?” That’s pretty much what I would have done. A lot of time is spent setting things up, which in a lesser movie I would have called plodding and slow paced. Also, while I really liked the Dr. Schultz and Calvin Candie characters, I felt the Django character was really simple and two dimensional. He spend most of the film as a moving plot point with guns. No real depth to him.
Spoilers coming up, so if you want to avoid them skip ahead five paragraphs.
The story is of young Django (Jamie Foxx-Miami Vice, Law Abiding Citizen, Horrible Bosses. I couldn’t find an image of Jamie Foxx as Detective Tubbs, but this great image comes courtesy of the TV Show T Shirt category), a slave in the South two years prior to the Civil War. He is on a coffle traveling somewhere under the control of two with trash morons when they come across the wagon of Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz-Inglorious Basterds, Water for Elephants, Carnage), a wandering dentist and bounty hunter. Schultz wants Django to help him identify three bounties. He frees Django and the rest of the coffle (with the first of many rated R bloodbaths) and sets off after the guys.
Schultz determines that Django has a talent for bounty hunting and offers him a job helping out for the winter, after which he will help to find Django’s wife Broomhilda (Kerry Washington-Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Last King of Scotland, Ray, and hopefully one day staring as the bride at my future wedding. What a heartbreaker). After a colorful montage of bounty hunting scenes they hare off to find Broomhilda. In short order they determine that she has been bought by Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio-Titanic, Inception, Shutter Island), one of the wealthiest landowners in Mississippi. He is not by nature written as a cruel man (relative to the others around him) and is in his own way a very intriguing character, although some of his actions during the film really put me off my feed.
At this point IMO the story falls off the rails for a while. Rather than ride up to the Candie Manor and offer $1,000 for a slave Candie paid $300 for they develop this amazing long and complicated plot to trick Candie out of her. I swear it made the Usual Suspects look like Legally Blonde. They are posing as investors in some kind of slave fight arena (think a more horrible version of dog fighting, if that is possible) and want to spend a ton of money buying one of Candie’s best fighters. Somehow they are going to get Broomhilda for tuppence during the course of this facade.
This plot is ruined by Candies clever head house slave Steven (played brilliantly by Samuel L Jackson-Pulp Fiction, the Incredibles, Jackie Brown. We won’t talk about his Mace Windu years) and instead of getting her for the $1,000 they could probably have gotten going they spend $12,000 on her. At that point the deal falls apart mainly due to Schultz being unable to shake Candie’s hand and the whole movie ends in a huge bloodbath.
The stars. Good film in almost all regards. One black hole. A film that for the first time in a long time takes on something more complicated than the usual dross. One star. All the stars were brilliant, and their characters really intriguing. Three stars. Dialog was spot on. One star. Nice message delivered to America. One star. All around fun movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Needlessly complicated end plot. One black hole. Run time seemed long at 165 minutes. A stronger hand on the editing would have tightened things up a lot I think. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
By the way, I spotted what I think is a huge technical error but Tarantino is such an accomplished filmmaker I can only assume he did it on purpose. In one of the gunfights towards the end all the guys stop shooting and you can here a brass casing bounce off the ground like you do in pretty much 100% of all modern gun fights. The thing is they were all using revolvers, which don’t eject brass. I supposed an argument could be made that it was a repeating rifle, but that wasn’t really developed until 1860 and this film took place in 1858. Either Tarantino is having a laugh at it, or he should fire his Foley editor. (This last passage is conclusive proof that I am a nerd, BTW)
A total of seven stars, and a big thumbs up from me. I’d put this move on the same level as Inglorious Basterds, but not as good as Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs. Definitely worth seeing, and if you want to have fun see it like I did in a theater that was literally 99% liberal white people and watch them squirm at all the racial abuse going on the screen. Date movie? Probably not. Violent and gory, and there is a dog mauling scene that will ruin canines for you for life. Bathroom break? The best part IMO is the long ride they all take out to Candieland. I’d say from the moment Schultz joins Candie on the buggy you have a good 3-4 minutes of not a lot happening.
Thanks for reading. Look for my review of Jack Reacher tomorrow. I need time to figure out a clever enough subtitle for such an epically mediocre movie. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post comments here on this movie or my review. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Happy New Year, and I’ll talk to you soon.
Dave
P.S. Look for my 2012 movie recap coming soon. Still looking for a clever name for my awards. So far all I have is “Nerdies” and I think that blows. Any suggestions will be seriously considered.
Les Misérables Review
I need to get a note from my doctor excusing me from writing this review.
This is the worst kind of review for me to write, if only because it is so out of my realm of experience that I might as well throw a dictionary into a tree shredder and publish whatever comes out the other end. It’s like asking a nuclear physicist to perform brain surgery; he or she may be highly intelligent and well trained in their own field of expertize but at the end of the task all you are left is a big gooey mess and a souvenir skull.
I also hate writing these because they always end up showing the world what an uncultured oaf I secretly am. I am sure I will get a lot of feedback similar to what I got for my review of Tree of Life when I called it a disjointed mass of editing room scraps masquerading as pretentious self indulgent pseudo art (I still stand by that, incidentally. If any of you are screaming Tree of Life fans let me tell you that Terrence Malick masturbated all over your face and you not only didn’t realize it but thanked him for it).
The problem stems from the fact that I am not really a fan of theater. If I am going to sit for two or more hours watching a story why would I not want to go see something with production values and all the bad bits edited out? It seems to me the only reason you would want to see something performed live is because you are hoping to see someone really screw up (kind of like how all Nascar fans secretly hope to see someone killed in a horrible car crash right in front of them). I know they are supposed to be a cornerstone of our culture (well, upper class culture) but unless your kid is in the show I don’t see a real reason to attend (and there is the proof of my cultural oafishness. Feel free to start hate spamming me now, so I can get right on ignoring you. Lincoln image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirt category).
Not to say that this movie is a play. It is a full grown film, with high production values and multiple takes for each scene. It is in fact very pretty and generally well produced. However, I never fell in love with the story as a play and have very little interest in seeing an entire script sung out loud. I don’t mind a musical when the periodic songs are used to enhance the story (Dr. Horrible, for example. I love that show). But this movie has every line of more than three words padded out into a complete musical number to the point I felt like I was drowning in lyrics and struggling for the faintest breath of expository dialog. The phrase “too much of a good thing” plays out well at this point.
The real victim of all the musical numbers is the film pacing. In a normal movie, establishing that the innkeeper and his wife are crooks would be accomplished with a couple of quick pickpocketing or ripping off scenes. Instead we are given an extended duet that keeps showing them doing the same thing over and over again in order to keep the screen moving long enough for the song to play out. It doesn’t help that most of the songs were variations on three basic songs, and if I have to listen to that Red and Black song one more time my head will literally explode.
There were parts I enjoyed, and I won’t be all black holes. I just feel like had there been a little more discrimination in the song selection and a willingness to space them out with dialog the movie would have moved a lot better and made each song have much more impact and relevance. Having Javert sing about his reasons for suicide lost a lot of meaning after listening to everyone else sing about every bowel movement and raincloud that passed overhead.
One last personal note before I get into the meat of the film. One of the actual reasons I had for seeing this film is I have had a long time love of Anne Hathaway (in spite of One Day but recently greatly enhanced by her portrayal of Sylina Kyle in the Dark Knight Rises). If you are reading this Anne I’d like to take you to dinner at the best taco truck you have ever tasted. However, in this film she is purposely made to look as ugly as possible and then dies about 40 minutes in. I totally felt ripped off, especially given that she is featured in about 80% of the screen time for all the trailers. I suppose if I had been more familiar with the story I would not have been so surprised (or bitter) but there it is.
Anyway, the story. Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman-X-Men, Real Steel, Rise of the Guardians) is a man convicted of stealing a loaf of bread and spends 19 years at hard labor. He is paroled but due to his status is destitute and starving. Inspector Javert (Russell Crowe-L.A. Confidential, Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind) is on him from the moment he is released. A priest gives him the means he needs to reinvent himself and he skips on parole and takes on the identity of a well-to-do businessman. Years later Javert comes to his office and sort of recognizes him. Meanwhile single mother Fantine (Anne Hathaway-the Devil Wears Prada, the Dark Knight Rises, One Day) is fired from Valjeans factory for something (?) and has to become a prostitute in order to keep her young daughter alive. Her daughter Cosette (Isabella Allen when young, Amanda Seyfried as a teenager) lives with two horrible innkeepers. Fantine is discovered by Valjean who realizes he is responsible for her downfall. She dies of something (?) and Valjean vows to take care of Cosette. However, Javert is after him so he has to escape to the other side of Paris (can someone please tell me why he didn’t just leave town the first time he got away from Javert?) and change his name again. Skip ahead again and the two of them live together in Paris while the post Revolution revolts are going on. A young revolutionary named Marius (Eddie Redmayne-Black Death, the Other Boleyn Girl, My Week with Marilyn) sees her and they fall in love.
You know, when I was watching the film I was having to pay so much attention to the singing I failed to realized what a convoluted mess the story really is. Tolkien would struggle to follow this. Anyway, the minor revolution happens. Guys die. More singing surfaces. Marius and Valjean go swimming in raw sewage with open bullet wounds (sepsis, anyone?). Javert fails in his duty and jumps off a bridge. For the most part the movie lives up to it’s name as almost everyone in it ends up dead or unhappy in some way or another.
The stars. Very pretty movie, with lots of cool images. One star. Excellent work on the costumes and period pieces. One star. There were a couple songs that actually struck my cold, flinty heart (Marius singing about his dead friends at the end in particular). One star. From what I could discern through the fog of music I actually like most of the characters, Javert and Valjean in particular. One star. Good acting all around, if you can be said to be acting when what you are really doing is physically emoting while singing. One star. In the A for effort category I will say I was impressed by all the actors being able to sing, and for the director insisting on each song being sung in scene and not recorded post production. Russell Crowe was the weakest of the singers but even he managed to pull it off. While not my cup of tea, I have an appreciation for the work put in there. Plus I sing like a dying cow. Two stars. Grand total: seven stars.
The black holes. I’m not hitting them for the fact that it was a musical. I will hit them however for the insistence of using music in many scenes that could have been accomplished via dialog or even camera work in a matter of seconds. One black hole. This is probably the end result of adopting a play to a movie while trying to keep the play feel, but the pacing was glacier-like. The film runs 157 minutes and you will feel every one of them, mostly in your ass. One black hole. They did that period thing that bugs the hell out of me with the accents. The film is set in France, but every character has an American accent except for a few minor ones who for some inexplicably reason are British (including one ragamuffin who sounded Cockney). Of course, they insist on calling everyone Monsieur or Mademoiselle, and when they do so have a flawless French accent. Just pick one and roll with it IMO. One black hole. I feel like featuring Anne Hathaway so prominently in the trailers only to have her shuffle off the mortal coil 1/4 of the way into the film is just false advertizing. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. However, my scoring is truly irrelevant. I’m not going to bother to recommend or unrecommended this film as I know you have all already decided if you are going to see it or not. If you lack a Y chromosome or are a fan of musical theater you probably have already seen it or plan to see it soon, and if you are not you probably won’t bother. Date movie? Abso-freaking-lutely. If sitting through this epic with a girl doesn’t get you laid you might as well become a monk because you are the least attractive man on the planet (on a side note, does anyone know of any good monasteries that are taking applications? I ask from a purely hypothetical point of view, and not at all because I saw this movie with a girl and didn’t get any). Bathroom break? The weird thing about this film is you kind of really have to pay attention to the singing in order to know what is going on, so I’d say try to hold it. However, if you need an exact point to relieve yourself any time they start singing the “Red and Black” song is pretty good. It goes on forever, is repeated ad nauseum, is towards the last 1/3rd of the film, and doesn’t really tell you much.
Thanks for reading. If you have comments on this film or my review of it feel free to post them here (even “Dave you are an idiot” comments will get approved as long as you don’t cuss). If you have off topic questions or suggestions (or happen to be Anne Hathaway taking me up on my taco truck offer) you can email me at [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (I really only post my reviews and the occasional new t-shirt there). Talk to you soon.
Dave
