Skyfall Review
Something is falling.
I saw this movie last night and can see why everyone is gushing all over it like it is the Earthly manifestation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is a good film, but all day something about it has not been sitting well with me. It has all the elements of a great Bond film: a really good Bond actor (Daniel Craig, the best since Connery IMO), an excellent director (Sam Mendes-American Beauty, the Road to Perdition (a very underrated movie)), some hot chicks, a budget big enough to create anything the director really wanted, and Judy Dench. All the pieces were there to make for a great movie, but something about it bugged me like a high pitched tone in the background that you don’t really notice but will drive you nuts and then, once you do notice it, you can’t here anything else.
There are some obvious things for me to bitch about. The story is at the same time extremely simple yet labyrinthine. It frog jumps from plot point to plot point in random directions and every time they need something to propel the story along it just manifests itself out of the ether. I guess it fair to lay a lot of that on the writers (Neal Pervis and Robert Wade) neither of whom have written a Shawshank Redemption. They were both in on Casino Royale, which is to their credit, but they also did Quantum of Solace and were involved in the abysmal Johnny English Reborn, so I guess the need to get paid supersedes the need to create amazing. However, I have seen many movies with weak stories and I can say my current disquiet is not really from that.
I suppose another obvious thing is the fact that it goes a big 143 minutes yet seemed like 400. The action scenes are great, but in between them there are a lot of very slow expository scenes and long shots of car bumpers. Cloud Atlas went 172 minutes yet honestly this one seemed significantly longer. This issue I can lay at the feet of the editor and director, but I have seen badly paced movies that don’t bug me like this one did.
No, what I finally realized was bugging me was the fact that this movie isn’t really about James Bond. James Bond is a smooth, sophisticated, sexy, well dressed guy we could all aspire to be. His life is awesome and I could only dream of living it. The Bond in this movie is conflicted, alcoholic, unshaven, in terrible physical shape, and dressed like he shops at the Walmart outlet store. His love interests are limited at best and he spends more time playing out his Oedipal issues with Judi Dench than chasing tail. His character would actually be really cool if he were doing a Die Hard movie or anything starring Jason Stratham, but calling him James Bond is like calling the whino the local mall got to play Santa Claus Saint Nick. 
The problem bugging me is the same problem I had with the whole Star Wars prequel: Lucas took one of the coolest, most bad ass character in the history of film (Darth Vader) and remade him as a whiny little bitch with daddy issues who you know deserves to get his lunch money taken every day at school (Who’s Your Daddy image courtesy of the Star Wars T Shirt category). This isn’t the James Bond I was looking for.
Actually, now that I think about it this is exactly the same issue I had with the last Batman movie. Bruce Wayne is not supposed to start the movie off as some kind of invalid. It bugged me then, and I guess it is bugging me now.
I know. My issues. I will give massive props to this movie for calling out a lot of classic James Bond moments, including the original car with the machine guns. Very cool. The action was generally good, especially the opening chase sequence. Honestly, I’m not here to dump on this film, and realistically it is the best of the Daniel Craig Bonds thus far. I just have some problems with the character.
It starts off with James Bond (Daniel Craig-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Layer Cake, Casino Royale) chasing a guy with a MacGuffin (in this case a hard drive with a list of every secret agent in the world or something. Why does it always have to be the biggest thing ever every time? How about one where it is the secret ingredient in Coke?) in Turkey and assisted by a very hot girl (Naomie Harris-28 Days Later, Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man’s Chest). He fights the guy on top of a train and his assistant accidentally shoots him in the chest. He falls hundreds of feet into a river and down a waterfall. Then, with no word of how he survived and hid away from the greatest secret agency in the universe looking for him (remember that mention of plot stuff just being ignored? Turkey is not uncivilized. If some local fisherman pulled a guy out of a river with two bullet wounds in him they would call an ambulance, not nurse him back to health in secret) and spends his time drinking on a beach. Meanwhile, M (Judi Dench-J. Edgar, Casino Royale, the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) is being called to the carpet over losing the list of all the secret agents in the world. She has her office blown up and it looks like there is someone with something personal against her.
Bond travels back to England and in spite of being recently shot and on an alcoholic binge is approved for duty by M, who seems to want to see him killed or something. I want to go on a little tangent here, and since this is my blog I will give myself permission to do so. About this time he digs out fragments of the bullet in his chest with a pocket knife and has them analyzed. They turn out to be made out of depleted uranium and since there are only three guys in the world who use them (how exactly does MI6 know that?) that leads him to the guy they are looking for. Here’s the deal on this ball of stupidity. DU rounds are generally made in 30mm or larger, mainly because they are used for anti tank rounds. There is no advantaged to using them in a hand gun, unless you want the gun you wear under your arm next to your heart and lungs to be radioactive. Oh, yeah. They are radioactive, which means that if James Bond has had them in his chest for three months I hope he has made peace with God because there isn’t a lot to be done for radiation poisoning. Also, if you were a bad guy and had enough depleted uranium to make a bunch of bullets you could become insanely rich selling the material to terrorists to make a dirty bomb. Sorry, but I expect smarter from a Bond film.
Anyway, James is on the case and travels the world. Eventually he comes face to face with the bad guy and, in another move that actually gets my approval and appreciation, it is a Bond villain cut from the same cloth as Goldfinger and Oddjob (well, cut from the scraps of cloth left over from the great villains and then stitched together with dental floss, but still). I don’t want to get too much into him or the rest of the story as there are some spoilers I could be dropping and won’t be responsible for that. I will say he pulls the old classic by not shooting Bond first chance he gets. Awesome. Bond beats up guys, shoots guys, blows up guys, and has bitchy, passive aggressive arguments with M.
The stars. Daniel Craig has definitely inhabited the role of Bond, and has made it his own. He is a very good actor, and it shows here. Two stars. The rest of the cast pulls out some great acting, especially the new villain and Judi Dench. Two stars. A lot of the action was really good and believable. One star. Naomi Harris is very easy on the eyes, as is the other girl. One star. Bond film. One star. The classic Bond car. One star. Generally entertaining. One star. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. The reinventing of James Bond into John McClane. One black hole. The massive skips in plots in order to make the writers jobs easier (Hey, coming up with connection plot points is hard!). One black hole. Pacing alternated from fast and exciting to excruciating and dull (I literally had to struggle to stay awake at one point, and I stayed alert through the entirety of Cold Light of Day). One black hole. The whole depleted uranium thing, and a few other plot holes. One black hole. The new Q should have a flashing sign over his head that says “I’m a hipster duechebag inserted into this film in order to appeal to moronic young adults.” One black hole. The only character who really qualifies as a Bond girl is M. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Worth seeing in my opinion, but don’t go expecting to see the Bond you have always know. If you were to treat this as a stand alone spy movie I think you would get a lot out of it. Nothing on the screen screams for huge, so if you were so inclined I don’t think you would miss anything by seeing it on NetFlix. Date movie? Sort of. Nothing here to really turn an average woman on except for Daniel Craig, and odds are you are going to suffer badly in comparison. There is better out there for you (Wreck It Ralph). Bathroom break? Any scene were James is not actively shooting or chasing anyone will do just fine. The scene where M is being lambasted by Ministers stands out in particular, but it is kind of short.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu for valuable insights into my personality (or just notifications every time I write a review). Feel free to post any comments on this movie or my review here. Off topic questions or suggestions email to [email protected]. There’s a bunch of movies I have let slide by I might go see like Flight or Silent Hill. Of course, Breaking Dawn is coming out on the 16th and you know I am rigid in eager anticipation for that one. No way will that drain my desire to keep on living.
Dave
Wreck It Ralph Review
Rock It, Ralph!
A few months ago when I reviewed the movie Brave I sort of lamented the purchase of Pixar by Disney. My perception based on that film was that the vanilla Disney wholesomeness that is the death of so many films for anyone with body hair would infect Pixar like a retrovirus and basically turn them into a Disney clone. I made the comparison of a marriage wherein one of the two people has their personality subsumed by the other, creating a two headed couple monster based on the dominant personality.
However, after seeing this film I have to rescind that statement. It now appears that like the couple who actually morphs into androgynous versions of each other, Disney and Pixar are exchanging critical parts of their personalities (and possibly DNA) in order to become the same type of company with two different offices. I shall refer to them as Dixar, mainly because that name amuses me.
While it is true that Pixar becoming more Disney-like is a tremendous step down in the quality of the films they produce, Disney drinking the Pixar punch is a gigantic, rocket assisted step up to a new superior plane of existence. Wreck It Ralph is fun, exciting, clever, funny, and extremely appropriate for adults as well as most kids. The first sign that this movie might not suck came as I walked up to the theater and noticed the marquee. “Whaaaaat?” I thought. “A Disney cartoon movie that is rated PG? Has the world suddenly stopped spinning on its axis?” 
However, in spite of my sudden belief in the incoming Rapture (image courtesy of the the Funny T Shirt category) the movie was truly rated PG. Granted, on the G side of the PG rating (as in your kid would have to be the biggest wuss (I’m sorry, sensitive child) since Tommy and Annika from Pippi Longstocking to be upset by this. That might be the most obscure and geeky reference I have used to date, BTW) but PG nevertheless.
This movie does what every kids movie needs to do in order to not suck and that is make it entertaining for the kids while inserting enough adult humor and situations to keep dad from drinking himself into a temporary coma to escape the boredom (what was going to see a movie like for you as a kid, Dave?). There are actually some really funny and subtle jokes that will only be perceived by adults, such as the “random” extra security screening of Ralph as he tries to exit a game, and the Bad-anon meeting for Bad Guy support.
As is my policy for kids movies I will not break it down and assign specific stars and black holes. Such things are wasted and distracting, when really the only questions anyone should have are “Will my kid sit quietly for two hours and enjoy it?” and “Will I end up a diabetic and brain damaged from having to absorb too much sweetness and lame pap in one film?” The answers are respectively yes and no.
The story is of Ralph (voiced by John C Reilly-Step Brothers, the Gangs of New York, The Aviator), a Donkey Kong-esque video game villain who for the last 30 years has been climbing up a building to destroy it, only to be foiled by his nemesis Fix It Felix, Jr (Jack McBrayer-30 Rock, Despicable Me, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). He is tired of being a bad guy, feared and hated by everyone, and forced to sleep in a garbage dump. He goes off on a quest to win a medal and ends up doing so in a different game, Hero’s Duty. While there he accidentally transports one of the villain bugs to Sugar Rush, a cute candy based racing game. There, while looking for his medal he meets Vanellope (Sarah Silverman-the School of Rock, There’s Something about Mary, Heartbreakers), a cute racer who is a glitch in the game. The commanding officer (Jane Lynch-Glee, Talladega Nights, the 40 Year Old Virgin) from Hero’s Duty comes looking for the bug. Vanellope recruits Ralph to help her race against King Candy (Allen Tudyck-Firefly, Tucker & Dale Versus Evil, I, Robot).
I don’t want to get too deep into the story. It is cool and fun, with a couple of very well set up twists and a really good ending. Excellent writing overall. I hate sounding like the kind of wimp I was railing against earlier, but I honestly came close to tearing up at one point. Naturally I ramped up my machismo to keep that in check and on the way home fought some guys and broke some beer bottles on my head make up for it, but if you weren’t the natural font of testosterone that I am you might really feel an emotional connection. Of course, this being a Disney movie (sorry, I meant Dixar) they had to shoehorn in yet another princess, but overall I enjoyed the hell out of this film.
Should you see it? If you have kids then absolutely. If you liked Toy Story then I think this will appeal to you as well. Date movie? Absofreakinglutely. This could possibly be the best date movie of the entire year. I was having drinks with a girl before going to this thing and now I’m kicking myself for not asking her along, but it was a first time meeting deal and you can never tell what the best move on that is. Also, she said she doesn’t see a lot of movies (Incidentally, she is pretty spectacular. I sincerely hope to see her again. Of course, if it doesn’t work out I’m sure my next rom-com review will be that much more sour and bitter). Bathroom break? I don’t really know. Each scene is really cool in its own way, and are all kind of integral to the story. It’s only 101 minutes, so I would say hold it. If you really can’t I think the bar scene in the Tapper video game could be missed. I wouldn’t miss it however.
Thanks for reading. Skyfall review tomorrow for sure. I can’t tell if I’m excited or dreading it. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Man With the Iron Fists Review
A whole lot stupider than I had hoped it would be.
I have been dreading writing this review. I love martial arts movies (the Master of the Flying Guillotine will always be my favorite, but 36th Chamber of Shaolin is up there. Kung-Fu the Invisible Fist image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) and am a fan of Quentin Tarantino, so when I heard he was presenting an homage Kung Fu Theater film I was as excited as possible and really looking forward to this.
However, I have discovered that being a movie reviewer has a huge karma element, in that you pay for the good movies with the bad. The last few months have been a wonderful stroll through movies that I expected to suck that were actually fun and entertaining (Pitch Perfect, for example), so it seems inevitable that I would go to a movie that I expected to be amazingly good and instead be handed a big, incoherent mess. The first sign of incoming suck was when, after the title credit of “Quentin Tarantino presents…” you don’t see his name listed in anything that remotely relates to the actual production of the film. Can someone who works in the film industry please explain to me what the word “presents” actually refers to? Was Quentin involved in the writing at all? Did he see this film and think “Hmm. This is exactly the kind of Kung Fu movie I would have made had I had the time.” Did he finance the film? Did he operate the projector at the premier and sell popcorn at the concession stand? Really, what the hell did he do with this film? I need to know.
Instead, this film was written and directed by RZA, who was also the star. In some situations this can lead to a brilliant movie when the star is actually an extremely talented director as well as an accomplished actor (Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino, etc), but if the person in charge doesn’t have that kind of past credibility it is easy for the experience to turn into a massive self aggrandizing ego trip. RZA is a founding member of the Wu Tang clan, one of the few rap bands I can actually listen to, and is a well known fan of Kung Fu Theater. It is apparent that he wanted to create a tribute to the Wu Tang films of yesteryear but got sidetracked by his fan induced need to stick everything and the kitchen sink into this film.
I will say it apparent that his knowledge of Kung Fu Theater is extensive, and he managed to incorporate a lot of the visuals and concepts into this film. However, the one thing most old martial arts films seem to have is a fairly coherent and direct story plot. This movie seems to want to take five different movies and run them through a tree shredder before mixing them up and taping them into one film. The rumor I read is that the original film ran four hours and RZA wanted to present them as a Part I and II Kill Bill style but was forced by the studio to cut it down to 90 minutes. If that is true than the mishmash of story elements, the characters that we are supposed to care about without even being introduced to, and the choppiness of of the story pacing makes a lot more sense.
I’d like to talk a bit about the story as it relates to classic Kung Fu movies. Most of the best Kung Fu films were made in Communist China, which in addition to being plagued by Chinese racism (mostly against other Asian cultures) were always written from the perspective of the hero doing what is best for the people, and usually dies in the attempt. The villains are always working for the evil dynasties or trying to prevent the unification of China. The movie Hero is a perfect example of this. The main character literally lets himself be killed in order to ensure the continued unification of China. This film however is all about gold. The bad guys want the gold, the good guys want to give the gold back to the local governor. I know it’s a minor point and one that RZA is free to argue with me, but I think the film might have benefited from a less grubby motivation.
Anyway, the story. The governor is transporting a huge shipment of gold and opts to send it through Jungle Village, a brutal town under the control of warring clans. He hires Golden Lion of the Lion clan to guard and escort the gold, but Golden Lion is betrayed and killed by his two lieutenants, who are going to steal it. Russell Crowe (Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, LA Confidential) shows up to do something(?) and steal pretty much every scene while sticking out like a square peg in a round peg factory. RZA (Ghost Dog: the Way of the Samurai, Bulworth, Repo Men) is the Blacksmith, a local weapons manufacturer who is saving up money to buy his lover Lady Silk (Jamie Chung-Sucker Punch, The Hangover Part II, Grown Ups) away from the local brothel run by Madame Blossom (Lucy Liu-Kill Bill Part I, Kung Fu Panda, Charlies Angels).
Ugh. Just sorting this script out is making my brain hurt. I’m going to break it down into bullet points. Golden Lion’s son the X-Blade (Rick Yune-Die Another Day, The Fast and the Furious, Snow Fall on Ceders) is out for revenge. The bad guys send Brass Body (Dave Bautista-WWE Smackdown!, House of the Rising Sun, the Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption) is hired to kill him with his ability to turn into brass. Madame Blossom convinces the bad guys to store all their gold in here trap infested death dungeon. Russell Crowe is some kind of bad ass who works for the governor. The Lion Clan kills a rival clan. The Blacksmith saves X-Blade for no apparent reason and gets his arms cut off in punishment. He then forges iron fists (oh, wait. NOW I see it…) to fight with after a long, completely incongruent flashback/origin story. He, X-Blade, and Russell Crowe all team up to attack something(?).
The stars. Martial arts movies always rock. One star. Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu both seem to have figured out that this whole thing was a joke and played their parts brilliantly in that context. One star. Some of the action was good. One star. The costumes, props, and sets were all really well done. One star. Some decent visuals and camera work. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. A story that looked like someone took 83 of those Magnetic Poetry word sets and threw them randomly against the worlds largest refrigerator door. One black hole. For all the good acting Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu did, the rest of the cast acted like test subjects at a Valium research center. One black hole. The fact that he was only one of two people really acting grossly exacerbated the fact that Crowe’s character (Jack Knife) was as out of place as I would be in the company of beautiful women. One black hole. Pacing and editing was like trying to handle a three year old kid who has just had a triple latte. One black hole. For every cool action scene, there were three or more that you would laugh at if you saw them in a TNMT cartoon. While some liberties can be taken with suspension of disbelief in the martial arts of a Kung Fu movie, if you reach the point that the audience is laughing at how dumb it was than you have really gone too far. One black hole. Literally no thought put into the names of the characters. A guy who turns his body into brass? Let’s just call him Brass Body. Madame Blossom, Lady Silk, X-Blade, Golden Lion, Silver Lion, Copper Lion, Poison Dagger, Jack Knife? It’s like I’m back in 6th grade playing D&D and trying to name a village full of NPCs. One black hole. An attempted homage to a great film genre that gets sidetracked into confusion hell. One black hole. A movie that is clearly a massive self gratification session for RZA. Why not just show him masturbating to pictures of himself? One black hole. A rated R movie that has sex scenes that are almost late night Skinimax in explicitness yet still manage to not show any nudity. If you are going to swim in the rated R pool just jump in the deep end. Don’t pussyfoot around. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
A grand total of four black holes. Is it really bad? Not horrible. Like I said in the review for Resident Evil: Retribution if you like this sort of thing you might enjoy it. I will say that if they made the extended four hour version available on NetFlix I would probably watch it. Maybe without the brutal editing hammer this film would make sense and engage me more. Date movie? Hell no. Not only is this film a complete waste of time for most women, she will also see it as a massive waste of time for you and lose respect for the way you are spending your life. Bathroom break? Take your pick. If I had to specify I would say any of the Russell Crowe/Chinese prostitute sex scenes. They add absolutely nothing, show absolutely nothing, yet at the same time imply any number of images in your frustrated head. If you want to avoid being the Man With the Blue Balls you might take that moment to go relieve yourself.
Thats it. I feel bad dumping on this film. I really wanted to love it, but Hollywood had a different fate for me in mind. I think I am going to see Wreckit Ralph tonight. That looks fun. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Any comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions and suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Have a great day.
Dave
Disney buys out Star Wars
I have had about eight of my friends ask me to express my opinion on this recent major change in the geek-osphere. To be perfectly honest, I am kind of apathetic. Thirteen years ago, prior to the Phantom Menace, I would have seen this as a betrayal and disaster on the order of Benedict Arnold having sex with the captain of the Exxon Valdez in the reactor room of Three Mile Island and giving birth to the most treasonous, mutated disaster in the history of the universe.
That, of course, was when I still believed that Star Wars and George Lucas were paragons of sci fi virtue to which nothing short of season 4 of Star Trek TOS could compare. However, like finding your sisters journal and discovering that not only is she no longer a virgin but has had enough action to put some porn stars to shame (at the time I remember being both really upset and jealous at the same time) George has ruined whatever virtue Star Wars ever really had by whoring it out to death and then selling it’s corpse to weird sexual fetish people. Like a creepy child molester dressed as a clown (ugh!) he has put his filthy hands all over his own creation and touched all of it’s bathing suit parts in ways that will continue to resurface for decades and the question I have to ask is “Can Disney really screw it up any worse?”
Sure, as their acquisition of Pixar has proven they can’t absorb anything without infusing it with their weird brand of cheerful corporate smiley totalitarianism, but say what you will about them (believe me, I have) the one thing they are good at is making films. It does seem that whenever they dip into the science fiction pool they seem to come out with John Carter of Mars or Tron Legacy, but as bad as films may be I would take all the bad in every Disney sci fi movie combined (yes, even Around the World in 80 Days) to having to watch even one full minute of Jar Jar Binks on screen.
The thing is, George Lucas might have been visionary and a special effect genius back in the 70’s but honestly he sucks at making movies. Disney can actually hire good actors (rather than guys who should haven’t even been considered for the role of C3PO) and create a romance that doesn’t make me want to sterilize the entire human race. While their stories are pretty pat and lame they don’t look like they were written by a brain damaged eight year old. Most importantly, they don’t have a Death Star sized ego or the drive to control every aspect of the film. They are fully capably of hiring good directors, writers, and producers rather than feel the need to do it all themselves.
I think the recent amazing hit the Avengers is a perfect example of that. 
They seem to have understood that the fans didn’t want to see Tinkerbell team up with the Hulk (image courtesy of the Marvel Comic T Shirt category) in a fight to save dogs from Cruella DeVille and for the most part gave us what we wanted. I can only hope they have the same understanding with Star Wars and opt to stay away from giant racist cartoon rabbits who make me want to punch every fat white bearded man I see in the head.
So bottom line, I think I am OK with this huge merger. Lucas scored big ($4.05 billion. Remember begging your mother to buy you that Hoth Han Solo action figure? Guess where all that money ended up) and I hope he enjoys it. My only hope is that Disney hires Joss Whedon to direct the next one and he produces a movie that makes all other Star Wars (after Empire, of course. I’m not asking for the Second Coming here) look like the dross they are, and that George Lucas is so shamed by what he did to a great series that he either moves to Tibet to become a penniless monk or chokes on his own bile.
Sorry no new reviews for a while. Headed to Texas tomorrow and am painting my ass off tonight. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.com. If you have comments on this topic feel free to post them. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks, and have a great night.
Dave
P.S. I suppose I should say something about Disney also acquiring the rights to Indiana Jones. However, again, after the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull how much worse can they damage it? Honestly, I was never that much an Indiana fan. Also, can someone explain to me how the 13 crystal skeleton aliens all died in the control chairs for the space craft and the last one cut off his own head to hide out in the jungle somewhere? What part of that makes sense? You can thank Lucas for the aliens as well.
D
Cloud Atlas Review
A bit of a conundrum.
I have to admit I have been putting writing this off for a while. I saw the film Friday night and have been trying to figure out if I like it or not ever since. Normally, even if a movie is mixed I can readily pick out the good and bad elements and say “I liked this but hated this.” However, with this film even the elements I disliked I also liked on some level, whereas the parts that were cool also annoyed me. Trying to follow all six stories was a huge pain in the ass, but most of the stories were cool and reasonably original (from each other), although in context to each other really foggy yet at the same time simplistic. The vast number of characters was bewildering, as was trying to keep track of who was occupying by each soul, but to a man or woman they were all interesting and engaging. There were some great visuals, but for some bizarre reason the sound quality really sucked, at least as far as the dialog went.
This is one of the reviews that will inevitably attract comments from pretentious blowhards about my inability to “get it” like intellectual flies drawn to a picnic lunch left in the sun too long (see my review for Tree of Life for a good example of that). I want to state that for the most part I do “get” the point being made in this film: that we are reincarnated as a group in life after life together and the good and ill that we commit will affect our station in the next one. Furthermore, the love of your existence will resurface in one form or another in each incarnation. I actually like that a lot. I have a strong desire to believe in both reincarnation and karma (of course if that were all true than based on my dating life now I must have been Ghengis Khan in a previous life). I just don’t know how necessary that message is, or how well it was delivered here.
This film suffers from two major problems that I can see. The first is the same problem that plagues other multi-line stories like New Years Eve or What to Expect When You’re Expecting, in that by having six different stories with completely different characters you never really identify with any one of them and therefore not really care a lot. However, this film is so in advanced of that dross that comparing the two is like comparing a slug to Robert DiNero. This film makes up for a lot of the connection issues inherent in multi-lines by employing amazing actors and characters that really draw you in. However, each of the sub plots ends up feeling really undeveloped and insubstantial. I honestly wish I could have seen each of the stories fleshed out into a separate movie, although that would have ruined the overriding message that was being delivered. This movie does not lack for ambition, and in the end it feels like they might have tried to keep too many balls up in the air.
The other issue I had was the dialog. I don’t know if it was a sound quality issue, the homemade dialects, or the Clockwork Orange-esque linguistic idiosyncrasies, but I honestly didn’t understand about 2/3rds of what was being said. I was able to surmise most of it from the context, but for the majority of the film I felt like a ten year old listening to my parents talk about sex using allusion and secret words. I was able to get the big picture of what was being said but a lot of the more specific and subtle references were completely lost on me. It was frustrating and distracting.
The film is six different stories, all starring the same set of actors in different roles. There is a story about a young man in the early part of the 19th century on a ship being poisoned by a doctor while trying to help an escaped slave, a hot reporter in the 70’s trying to uncover the secret behind a nuclear power plant, a young composer in the early 20th century dealing with his homosexuality while composing a symphony called the Cloud Atlas, a modern book publisher who gets tricked into incarceration in an old folks home while fleeing from British thugs, a cyberpunk replicant slave girl who escapes the lies of her existence in a nightmarish futuristic Seoul, and a post apocalyptic survivor who helps a young woman contact off world colonies in an attempt to escape a dying and poisonous Earth. Tom Hanks (Saving Private Ryan, Philadelphia, Forest Gump) plays six different characters, Halle Berry (X-Men, Catwoman, New Years Eve) plays six, Jim Broadbent (Gangs of New York, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (bleh)) plays five, 
Hugo Weaving (Matrix, the Lord of the Ring, V for Vendetta. Middle Earth image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) plays six (all of them villains), Jim Sturgess (21, One Day, the Way Back) plays seven, Doona Bae (the Host, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Take Care of My Cat) plays six, Ben Whishaw (Bright Star, Skyfall, I’m Not There) plays five, and Keith David (the Thing, Platoon, Mr. & Mrs. Smith) plays four. The stories connect only connect in the most tertiary manner, but each of them has something cool going on (although I was much more intrigued by the two sci fi stories).
The stars. The acting was tremendous. Seriously, Tom Hanks managed to pull off six completely different and believable characters, all of them intriguing. The rest of the cast rocked as well. I was most surprised by Halle Berry. She has developed extremely well as an actress, and I am going to have to start taking her seriously. Three stars. The movie had some amazing visuals, especially Neo-Seoul. Two stars. Each of the stories had the seeds of a great one, especially the sci fi ones. One star. Pacing and story balance were great. One star. Overall an extremely intriguing and interesting movie. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
The black holes. Taken as a whole, the story is foggy and lacks direction. Two black holes. Each of the sub stories is like a seed planted in the shadow of a big rock, stunted and weak. One black hole. The freaking dialog and my inability to understand it was driving me berserk. One black hole. The overall message was on the prosaic and simple side for such a complex story. One star. Said message could actually be easy to miss, especially if you hadn’t seen all the trailers that more or less explain it to you. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Should you see it? Absolutely. Even if you find it confusing and annoying, this is a movie that should not be missed and should be seen on a big screen if only for the experience. I’m not going to say it’s a cultural classic like Star Wars or even the Matrix, but ten years from now you will feel like you missed something when people are talking about Cloud Atlas and you have to say you saw it on NetFlix. Date movie? Maybe. The visuals are good, but if she gets confused by the complexities of the stories (no sexism implied here. I was getting confused by the complexities of the stories) that could turn her off, and if you give in to your natural instinct to explain things to here you could come across as a pretentious blowhard, leaving you at home alone with nothing better to do than post comments here. Bottom line, there are better date movies out there. Bathroom break? This movie clocks in at a massive 172 minutes (although to be honest, it didn’t feel like it) so odds are you will need one. I would recommend holding it if you can, however. If you have no choice I think the modern story with the book publisher is the least important and engaging sub plot, so every time you see Jim Broadbent bumbling around on screen that is your time.
Thanks for reading, and for your ongoing support. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this review or the movie feel free to post them here. I try to respond to all of them, and as long as you keep it civil will post them. Any off topic questions or comments can be emailed to [email protected].
I’m a little slammed right now with work, by the way. I will try to see some movies this week (Skyfall tonight, I think) but have come across some stories I wrote about my father that are pretty funny. If I don’t have time I might start throwing those up for laughs. Let me know what you think.
Dave
Is a Carrie remake really necessary?
So the latest in the Hollywood Remake Death March is Carrie, originally done in 1976 by Brian De Palma and starring Sissy Spacek. It was a great film, and truly a horror classic. As a kid who spent most of high school wishing I had the telekinetic power to destroy my school and everyone in it, this film always spoke to me in brutal, creepy whispers.
So they are going to remake this film and to be honest, I’m not at all sure how I feel about it. On the positive, I am a big Chloe Moretz fan. I think she is incredibly talented for someone so young. She was awesome as Hit Girl in Kick Ass and even cooler as the vampire in Let Me In. I think she will do a great job and rule in this film.
On the other hand, the original movie was based on a high school culture of abuse that kids today really don’t understand. When I was in high school getting bullied meant getting your ass handed to you pretty much on a daily basis, not getting called names on Facebook. I have the feeling this story is going to get beaten about the head and shoulders by the PC cudgel.
Furthermore, the director Kimberly Peirce is best know for the movies Boys Don’t Cry (decent film about a transgendered person) and Stop-Loss (Iraq war sucks), while the screenplay writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has only done episodes of Glee (TV’s campaign to rid the world of testosterone) and Big Love (Mormon polygamist with three wives). I have scanned both of their IMDB profiles extensively and have yet to find any reference to anything remotely horror. Call me old fashioned, but if I found I had a skin condition I would want to go to a dermatologist, not a taxidermist. Is it really so hard to find people in Hollywood with experience in horror films?
All this implies a strong tendency towards softening this great movie up and making it more palatable for people who aren’t going to bother to see it anyway. This, in addition to the fact that once again Hollywood can’t seem to come up with an original idea to save its life. I hope this movie doesn’t suck, but I won’t be surprised if it does. I can only hope they don’t manage to insert a song and dance number into this.
(Sissy Spacek image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Dave
Argo Review
Dave the Pirate says “Arr, go see this movie!”
I promise that joke will seem funnier once you see this film. I actually saw it a few days ago but due to life, work, and Warhammer haven’t had a chance to write this up. This has given me a chance to really think about this film, trying desperately to find a fault I can bitch about. There is no way I want a movie to escape my evil grasp without some scar to remember me by. I swear I could find an issue with the greatest movie of all time (Fight Club, in my opinion, although most credible reviewers seem to want to list films like the Shawshank Redemption or the Godfather) if I really put my mind to it.
However, I think I am going to be disappointed. This movie is nigh flawless, and in spite of the fact that there are no gun battles, fist fights, car chases, or monsters I was glued to my seat experiencing a buildup of tension and pressure that was highly reminiscent of my dating life, except that the movie manages to find release. This movie managed to make me care about each of the characters, even the bit ones who only had a line or two, and I was honestly gripping my seat in fear for them in a way no good or bad horror movie has ever accomplished.
Of course, if you are one of the grunting unwashed masses who can’t go two minutes without seeing something explode or Jason Stratham breaking someone’s arm than this movie is probably not for you. For you, sir, I would recommend Taken 2 followed by a bout of breaking beer bottles on your forehead in the parking lot of your local WalMart. For the rest of us (and hey, I’m not saying I haven’t broken beer bottles on my forehead. I’m just saying not all movies need to be done by Michael Bey) this movie is a great, well written story with excellent acting, direction, and pacing.
I vaguely remember the events of the Iranian Hostage Crisis. At the time I was more concerned with staying out of my father’s line of sight and the fact that I was getting my ass kicked at school at least once a week, so world events were not a really a concern for me. I remember thinking Carter was kind of a wimp for not just sending in the army and kicking the crap out of them all, but in retrospect I understand how that might have been a bad move. The fact that this story is based on a true story adds a lot to the perceived value of the film in my opinion.
Anyway, the story is of six members of the US Embassy in Iran (Tate Donovan, Scoot McNairy, Rory Cochrane, Kerry Bishe, Christoper Denham, Clea DuVall) who managed to sneak out the back when the revolutionary students stormed the building. They hide out at the Canadian Ambassador’s house (Victor Garber-Sleepless in Seattle, Titanic, Milk) and spend a couple months sponging off him and his wife. Meanwhile, back in the USA CIA director Jack O’Donnell (Bryan Cranston-Total Recall, Breaking Bad, Red Tails) taps extraction expert Tony Mendez (Ben Affleck-Gigli, Saving Private Ryan, Good Will Hunting) to help construct a plan to get them out of the country. The guys in charge are coming up with all kinds of bad ideas, and Tony calls them on it.
Eventually he comes up with the idea of creating a fake science fiction movie called Argo and an even faker Canadian film company to shoot it in Iran. In order to give legitimacy to their back story he contacts Hollywood make up man 
John Chambers (John Goodman-Monsters, Inc, the Artist, the Big Lebowski. World of Pain poster courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) to help him. They recruit director Lester Siegal (Alan Arkin-Little Miss Sunshine, Grosse Point Blank, Edward Scissorhands) and together they create a fake movie buzz in true Hollywood fashion. Tony flies to Iran to scout locations, where he has to train the six to get them out of the country.
I don’t want to get too much more into it. Pretty much everything I just told you I picked up by watching the trailers, so no spoilers there.
The stars. Honestly, this might be a waste of time as I don’t think I will have any black holes, but it might be fun to list the parts I particularly enjoyed. Excellent story. Two stars. Excellent acting by literally everyone. There wasn’t a bad seed to be found. Two stars. Pacing and editing were brilliant, mixing the many sub plots (the fake production company, the suits at CIA headquarters managing things, the plight of the Americans as well as the hostages, and the Iranian investigation trying to track down the missing Americans) in a way that each piece reinforced the overall story rather than distracted from it. Two stars. Normally I give movies set in the 70’s and 80’s black holes for being true to the era (I have issues with American culture and fashion during my childhood. Also bad porn mustaches) but here it was well done. They also managed to give the film a very 80’s feel, which kept it from looking too polished and further set you in the time period. One star. The characters all made it incredibly easy to connect to, thus increasing the tension and concern as the movie progressed. One star. The tension and worry were palpable. One star. Direction and camera work were very well done. One star. In a movie with no action to speak of I was completely engrossed. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
Black holes? Not really. If I had enjoyed the film less I could have dug something up, but that would just be petty. A big donut here.
Twelve stars and no black holes? I must be losing my mind. Normally September and October are the movie equivalent of crossing a huge open field comprised entirely of ruptured septic tanks (mainly because all the movies that suck to much to compete with the summer and holiday block busters slink here to hide like worms and bugs under a rock) but the last couple months has been a truly great movie experience. Should you see this? Duh. That’s like asking if you should keep on processing oxygen. Date movie? Yes, not because this film will really turn her on (no romance or shirtless young wolf men) but because everyone should see this film and she might appreciate your taste and intellect on this one. Plus if the date goes nowhere and you never see her again at least you have seen a great movie. Bathroom break? Honestly, this is one you are going to want to hold it. It’s a long 120 minutes but feels like 90. However, if you super sized your drink and really have to keep from embarrassing yourself I would say the scene where all the Americans have to go to the Grand Bazaar. It is a great scene but I think you could miss most of it without losing track of what is going on. But trust me, just get a small drink.
Thanks for reading. Things have gotten really weird lately in that I seem to be liking more movies than I hate. I hope watching all the horrible movies hasn’t desensitized me or shifted my tastes. Of course, we are on final approach to the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 so maybe I can tell myself I am building a bile reserve to unleash like a fire hose on that train wreck. Incidentally, Silent Hill Revelation is coming out this weekend and I can honestly say that playing the video game did horrible things to my head. I am not looking forward to seeing this. Fortunately my friends are queuing up to see it with me. I suspect they hope to see me do something embarrassing that requires a change of clothing. I plan to disappoint them.
Thanks for reading. My reader numbers are growing, and I appreciate every one of you that got to this point in my review. Follow me on Twitter (act now to be follower #169!) @Nerdkungfu. Any comments on this movie or review feel free to post here. Any off topic questions or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Some thoughts on 30 Rock
So I finished season 2 of the Walking Dead and (of course) loved it. However, it was all around pretty grim and depressing so I figured after all that zombie stuff I could used some lighter fare and went with season 6 of 30 Rock. I have always enjoyed it. For me the measure of a good comedy is one wherein none of the main characters bug me, and 30 Rock manages to pull that off nicely. I am particularly a fan of Kenneth. I think he rules.
The thing I just noticed, however, is unlike a series like the Walking Dead I really can’t sit down and watch more than two shows in a row. If it’s zombies I can sit at my painting table and run six episodes in a row, but with 30 Rock I am full up after two. Maybe there is a limit to how much sophisticated, clever NY humor I can handle. I always noticed the same thing with Seinfeld, although not so much with Friends. Of course, whenever I got bored with the humor on Friends I could occupy my attention with just looking at any of the three women.
I’m trying to figure out if this indicates some kind of low brow mentality on my part. It possibly could. I will admit I laugh like a maniac whenever I see someone get punched in the testicles. On the other hand most fart or excrement humor really turns me off. It can be funny, but only if done in the right way.
Anyway, it is a bit of a conundrum. Sorry I don’t have a lot else to write about. I have a lot going on right now and my time is really taken up. I will try to see some movies this weekend and write up some good reviews. By the way, the Tracy image I pulled from the TV show t shirt category. We have a bunch of 30 Rock on there.
Dave
Seven Pychopaths Review
A fun movie, filled with dark humor, quirky characters, and misogamy.
I am not really a fan of misogamy, but almost every other aspect of this movie kind of rocked from me. 
Weird story, dangerous, psychotic characters, and some of my favorite actors, including the great Christopher Walken (Fear the Walken image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). The misogamy takes the form of every female character having less than three minutes on screen and most of them dying in brutal ways, but I don’t honestly think that was the filmmakers intention.
Oh, on a less generous day I might say the story wandered back and forth a bit and kind of lacked focus, but a movie called Seven Psychopaths that is about seven psychopaths can be forgiven for dropping story in favor of more character development. The characters are all laid out and presented very well, with what I consider enough time spent on each to give the audience an understanding of their individual nuances. This film is definitely a character study, with each of the seven being different shades of guys you never want to ever mess with. While I am of course a Walken fan I have to give mass recognition to Woody Harrelson as the scariest nut job since Natural Born Killers.
The story is of Marty (Colin Farrell-Total Recall, In Bruges, Fright Night), a struggling (sort of. He sure has a nice apartment and hot girlfriend for a struggling writer. Most of the struggling writers I knew in LA were lucky if they had a clean dumper to sleep in) writer who is working on writing a script about seven psychopaths and killing his liver with alcohol. He is friends with one psychopaths Billy (Sam Rockwell-Iron Man 2, Napoleon Dynomite, Cowboys and Aliens) who makes a living by kidnapping dogs and then returning them once a reward is posted. He is assisted by Hans (Christopher Walken-True Romance, Joe Dirt, Things to do in Denver when you are Dead), who’s wife is in the hospital. They both have secrets that are revealed during the film, and in order to help Marty Billy starts telling him stories about psychopaths he has met or heard of, including the Jack of Diamonds killer who only kills mafia guys.
Billy and Hans make the mistake of kidnapping a dog belonging to local gang kingpin Charlie (Woody Harrelson-Friends with Benefits, Zombieland, No Country for Old Men), who is a violent sociopath who cares for not a thing in the world except his precious dog. He starts on a rampage across LA to find his dog. Other characters are introduced, including some convoluted back and side stories. The fourth wall gets beaten on pretty heavily (it is strongly implied that the script Marty is working on is actually the script for the movie we are watching, and some of the characters may or may not have been fictional from the protagonists point of view. At one point Hans even says “You don’t know how to write female characters” in reference to all the misogamy) but in a good way. I don’t want to get too much deeper into this film as it is full of potential spoilers.
The stars. I love a movie that treats characters as the reason for existing, rather than the necessary horses needed to pull the film plow. Two stars. Most of the characters were each in their own way intriguing and interesting. One star. Woody Harrelson was particularly good. One star. So was Christopher Walken. One star. Filming was admirable, and pacing quite good. One star. Dark humor is always fun for me, and really lacking in movies these days. One star. In general a good, fun movie. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The story kind of lacked focus. It wandered from set piece vignette to set piece vignette, and we got to the third act without really understanding a lot of the motivation behind it. Consequently the ending was kind of flaccid. One black hole. There was one character who did not add a lot from the film and was really like watching a mini film outside of the story. He later came to play an expository role towards the end but honestly that could have been done with any of the characters involved in the story. One black hole. I’ll give one for the misogamy just because I have enough friends who will give me crap if I don’t. I don’t think it was a critical element of the film but once I notice it I kept coming back to it. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of six stars, a very good score for me. Should you see it? Yes, in my opinion. I think most people will find at least one character that holds interest. If you like psychology, good drama, and plot twists for sure. If all you want is guns and explosions this film is actually kind of light in those. Date movie? Maybe. I’m not really sure how this one would play out. Could go either way, and therefore I would not recommend it based on the principle of “if it doesn’t help your cause, get rid of it”. However, if your date is into characters she might enjoy it. Bathroom break? At 110 minutes you might need one, but I am struggling to figure out where to do it. Maybe the scene where Marty, Billy, and Hans are all camping out in the desert. You definitely don’t want to miss any of the Charlie scenes.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments on this film or my review here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Lots more to see this week, so hopefully I’ll have something for you soon.
By the way, I got a note from casting director looking to do a reality TV show where they take low manliness men and send them to Man Camp or something. It has been a while since I did any of my Nerd Dating Advice columns but I can highly recommend machismo as a means of attracting women. If you or someone you know struggles with confidence, can’t seem to talk sports, likes drinks with fruit and umbrellas, and is just a little too much in touch with his feminine side consider it. I would go in myself but I’m afraid all my massive machismo in that room might spontaneously form cold fusion and cause a quantum singularity that would rip our planet apart, so for the sake of the human race will refrain. However, it seems like it could be fun and who knows? Maybe it will change your life or at least get you some notoriety you can exploit to hook up with reality TV groupies.
Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Here Come the Boom Review
What could possibly make Kevin James more appealing? How about Kevin James in a unitard?
That’s a little unfair I guess. I actually enjoyed this movie. I think it’s fair to say that to date I have not treated Kevin James movies with the kindest hand. For the most part I find them to be lame remakes of King of Queens but instead of playing a fat loser UPS driver with an incredibly hot wife he plays a fat loser job X with the incredibly hot wife/girlfriend. There’s only so much Kevin James looking lame in a dumb uniform that I can handle.
This movie manages to exceed the boundaries of the genre. The Kevin James genre that is. Sure, he plays a fat high school teacher who ends up within a hot girlfriend (Selma Hayek). However it didn’t annoy me like it usually does and I found myself rooting for his character. Maybe it’s because he kept getting his ass beaten over and over.
This movie had other elements that worked as well. The characters were all interesting and well-developed, especially Henry Winkler. The story had no glaringly obvious potholes, except of course for the obvious one of a 42-year-old high school biology teacher beating fighting and winning against an MMA champion who looks like a white Hulk. But generally it was a fun, harmless movie.
The story follows the general Rocky, Bad news Bears, Kevin James formula (Rocky image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Scott Voss (Kevin James-the Zookeeper, King of Queesn, Paul Blart, Mall Cop) is a high school biology teacher who is kind of on his ass not giving a damn about teaching anymore. He is on the outs with his principle (Greg Germann-Bolt, Ally McBeal, Sweet November), who is sort of the villain but not really. He is also into the school nurse Betty (Selma Hayek-Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Frida. As an aside, our school followed the “I hope you know how to put on your own band aid because if you get hurt you will bleed to death” policy of not having a school nurse but if we had had one this hot I would have managed to get hurt every day) who consistently rejects him. He is friends with the music teacher Marty Streb (Henry Winkler-Happy Days, the Water Boy, Night Shift) who is dedicated to helping his kids. Unfortunately the principal has to announce the cessation of all extracurricular activities due to lack of budget.
Any of this sounding familiar? Scott meets an MMA trainer named Niko (Bas Rutten-the Smashing Machine, Paul Blart, Mall Cop, Inside MMA). Once he learns what even losing MMA fighters earn he decides to train to be an MMA fighter and donate his winnings to saving the music program. After that it’s pretty much fat Rocky. There is a sub plot about a girl in the music programs who’s father needs her to work at his restaurant, Niko’s trying to pass the citizenship test, and Scotts father or brother (I really couldn’t figure it out) hating his job. Honestly they were all pretty minor and managed to not derail the plot at all.
Scott eventually ends up in the octagon with a bad ass MMA fighter known as the Executioner (Krzysztof Soszynski-the Ultimate Fighter, CSI) who looks like he chews on railroad ties for breakfast. There is some cool stuff in the background about how the MMA sets up and supports stuff like this that may or may not be real.
The stars. The actual fighting was kind of cool. Hokey in a Three Stooges kind of way at first but got better as Scotts skills advanced, showing a nice progression. One star. Henry Winkler was pretty awesome. One star. The entire rest of the cast managed to deliver a fine performance, and even the actual MMA fighters used in the film did a really good job of it (normally athletes pulled into movies are the death knell of the acting qualities. Just look at Shaun White in Friends With Benefits). One star. Selma Hayek can grace my screen any time she likes, if you know what I mean. One star. By the end of the film I found myself actually rooting for Scott, which means they managed to get me to connect with the protagonist. Always a good move for a movie. One star. In spite of what I was expecting (suckage) it was a good and fun film experience. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The entire concept of a 43 year old overweight guy beating anyone in MMA is laughable. One black hole. You spend a lot of time seeing Kevin James in a unitard. That’s a lot of dumpy white guy to have to look at. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Honestly I’m as surprised as anyone. In concept this looked to be a lame as possible without starring Nicholas Cage. However, I have to say I enjoyed it quite a bit. Should you see it? Sure, why not? It won’t surprise you but it won’t offend you. I’d say the best word for it is safe. Date movie? Actually yes. It has a good, uplifting message and Kevin James is one actor you can probably count on looking at least decent in comparison. Bathroom break? A big stretch of the movie is training montage and none of that is really too critical. If I had to pick a point I’d say the scene where Niko is teaching his yoga class could readily be missed, and it’s towards the second half so it would serve you well. The movie is 105 minutes so it’s not too long, but maybe just long enough to need a break.
Thanks for reading. I also saw Seven Psychopaths and will review that one tomorrow morning. I will try to see Argo and Sinister this week. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments you have on this film or my review here. Off topic questions or comments can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon. Have a great day.
Dave
