Pitch Perfect Review
Worthlessly entertaining.
I am, in the parlance of nerd gaming culture, a tread head. In other words, tanks are my favorite thing to play. I have always played better driving a tank than any other type of FPS, and I think in a previous life I must have been a tank crewman. One of the things I love about tanks is they have absolute singularity of purpose. They are designed to kill stuff on the outside while keeping the stuff on the inside safe. You can’t use them to drive the kids to church, plow a field, or tailgate at a football game. In this day and age of multi function devices they are absolutely assured of their one place in the world and nothing will ever budge them from that.
Why, you ask, would I start off a review of a chick flick like Pitch Perfect talking about tanks? Because Pitch Perfect is diametrically opposed to the idea of singular purpose. It almost defies categorization. It is sort of a comedy, sort of a chick flick, sort of a romance film, sort of a Glee rip off, sort of a coming of age film, and sort of a sisterhood story. It has all the focus of a cheap security camera at the bottom of a 50 gallon drum of petroleum jelly, yet in spite of all that is weirdly engaging and entertaining.
I’m actually disappointed in that. I chose this film hoping it would be as bad as all logic and every trailer indicated it would so I could come home and tear into it like a jackal with a freshly killed gazelle. After the run of decent movies I have seen lately I need something to sharpen my teeth on. However, once I got over the testicle shrinking experience of sitting in a theater filled with more estrogen than a Lilith Fair I found to my surprise I was actually laughing at moments, and for some reason really liking the characters. Even the dumb acapella jokes (“Aca-excuse me?!”) had me laughing.
The story itself is as vapid and insubstantial as possible without actually being written by the Kardassians, and after a while the singing will have your ears bleeding if you aren’t yourself an acapella fan, but the characters and jokes are enough to carry it through. Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a great movie. You will not learn or feel anything amazing by the end of this film. It will not touch you emotionally or inspire you to be closer to your loved ones. The best you can hope for is the modest satisfaction of filling another 112 minutes of your individual journey towards oblivion. However, like a popsicle made of Kool-Aid in an ice cube tray with tooth picks, it is better than nothing.
One thing this movie did for me was remind me of why college kids are the preferred target of horror movie monsters and serial killers. 20 minutes into this film and I was ready to go chainsaw shopping. However, another 20 minutes in I had gotten to like a lot of them enough to not want this movie to turn into another Friday the 13th (Creature from the Black Lagoon image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirts).
The other thing to remember going into this film is the entire premise of the film is based around the idea that acapella singing is the end all and be all of everything cool in the universe. Remember a few years ago when there was a movie about a national karaoke contest that had a huge cash payoff? Well, let me tell you this sort of thing does not really ring true. The whole concept felt forced and fake all the way through.
The story is extremely derivative. See if this rings any bells. Young, anti social but heartbreakingly cute girl goes to a new environment where she meets a struggling group striving to win the big award at something and by the end is pulled from her shell in order to give them their best chance at victory. In this case the hot anti social girl is Beca (Anna Kendrick-Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, 50/50, Twilight), a wanna be DJ (number 6 on the top ten loser jobs that sound really cool when you are 18) and the new environment is Barden University, the lamest college in the history of education. It is so lame that all normal forms of college fun-frats and sororities, sports, drugs and alcohol, sex-as well as all scholastic priorities must take a back seat to the coolest activity ever: acapella singing. She (correctly) decides it is lame when the head of the Bellas Audrey (Anna Camp-the Help, Forgetting the Girl, 8 Easy Steps) and her friend Chloe (Brttany Snow-Hairspray, John Tucker Must Die, Prom Night) try to recruit her. She gets convinced to try out when Chloe hears her sing in the shower. We are also introduced to the real comedic force behind this film Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson-Bridesmaids, the Wedge, What to Expect When You are Expecting). She was honestly funny and enjoyable.
The rest of the crew is rounded out with a few oddballs. There is the incredibly soft spoken Asian who is secretly more messed up than any of them (Hana Mae Lee-no other film credits. She had a role on Workaholics), the black lesbian (Nicole Lovince-also first movie role. She was in Worst. Prom. Ever.), the local slut (Shelly Regner-another newcommer.), and a few others. Their big competition is the Treble Makers, the all male acapella champion group lead by self obsessed jerk Bumper (Adam DeVine-Adam from Workaholics). There is a guy who Beca has a thing for (Skylar Astin-Hamlet 2, Talking Woodstock) and some other nerd (Ben Platt-no other roles) who are either on the Treble Makers or dream of it. If you have seen Bring it On and more than a couple episodes of Glee I pity you but you pretty much know the story.
The stars. While the story sucked and the premise blew, I have to say I really got to like all the characters in this film. Great job in casting IMO. One star. Most of the girls were extremely easy on the eyes. One star. There were some honestly funny dialog moments. One star. There were two vomiting scenes that had me laughing my ass off. Something about otherwise well put together and attractive people puking makes me laugh like nothing else. One star. The sub plot with the bitchy roommate I thought well played, as well as the total nerd dude. Very much reminded me of college. One star. Generally stupidly fun. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The story would make my high school AP English teacher kill herself. One black hole. The premise that there are more people who care about acapella singing than the people actually doing it is incredibly lame. One black hole. There was definite musical accompaniment for a lot of the acapella singing, and I have to say if you are not a fan the music grinds on you after a while. One black hole. The entire movie is a mashup of Glee, Bring it On, and Bridemaids with a light dusting of Animal House and West Side Story. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of two stars, which is literally about seven higher than I expected to give this film. This movie was clearly not made for me or anyone with two functioning testicles, so if Glee-ish chick flicks do something for you I don’t think you will be disappointed. However, don’t expect this movie to make you feel at all macho. Date movie? You should never ever suggest this one but if she does I’d say yes. You see, if a girl subjects you to this film and then doesn’t reward you with sex then you know that she is secretly a sadist and you are better off dumping her before she locks you in her oubliette. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere you like. There isn’t a lot in here that I would consider necessary, and at 112 minutes you will need something. If I had to pick a moment I’d say the bus ride to finals after Fat Amy gets hit with a flying burrito.
I will say one last thing on this movie and that is if acapella singing gets a film then I can hope for a Warhammer movie in there someday. I kind of see myself cast as the villain in that one, and I don’t think a lot of my friends would argue with that. Honestly I would be willing to bet it would be at least as interesting, if missing a lot in distaff actors. If any producers are interested in working out a concept feel free to contact me.
Thanks for reading. More to see this week. Hopefully something out there will really suck and give me something to tear apart (what’s that you say? There is a new Kevin James movie this Friday where he becomes an MMA fighter? Score!!!). Actually I have a Warhammer tournament this weekend (Infernal Zoo) so I don’t think I will be able to write a new review until Sunday night. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review on it here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Taken 2 Review
Watch this and feel taken too.
Headed into this film I felt an unusual level of ennui not normally associated with Luc Besson or Liam Neeson films (for those of you who aren’t uptight pretentious intelligencia (or don’t dream of one day becoming one) ennui is “a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest”. In other words, I had a hard time giving a crap). It looked like another miserable retread of an otherwise decent film in an attempt to get another ounce of milk out of the cow that is we the movie going audience.
Fortunately for my personal self esteem regarding my almost psychic ability to predict the suck levels of movies, it was exactly that. I think it now fair to say that Luc Besson has problems with sequels. He is brilliant when he comes up with his original film ideas but like the Piers Anthony of the film world (special geek cred if you get that joke) he falls in love with his own characters and decides they need a sequel when honestly he should have just let them sit in splendor as the brilliant stand alone movies they are. Columbiana was a perfect example, as is this dog.
Thankfully for Luc (and unfortunately for us) there are legions of Hollywood executive types eager to beat any dead horse lying in the street and spread whatever foul ichor spews forth from it’s assorted orifices (orifi?) all over the screen (I am currently looking forward to seeing Citizen Kane II: Rosebud’s Revenge, Godfather Apocalypse, and E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Resurrection. You know it’s only a matter of time). This film is not necessarily as bad as that, but it in no way deserves to be associated with the original Taken (or, for that matter, does Taken deserve to have references to itself crowbarred into this film in every way shape and form).
However, like most issues in films the blame does not reside firmly in Luc’s lap but rather in the lap of the director, candidate-for-stupidest-name-ever Olivier Megaton (he takes his name from his birthday, which was the 20th anniversary of the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima. Why didn’t he just name himself Olivier Douchebag? Isn’t that about the same? I have a friend who was born on Christmas Day, but she didn’t rename herself Katherine Stigmata). I guess the director of Taken (Pierre Morel) was too talented for this film so they hired the guy who is best known for miserable flop Columbiana. His ham handed approach to action with a complete disregard for story is all over the inside of this film like a frog in a microwave.
As long as I am bitching about the direction I am going to take a moment to rail against an ugly trend in action movies that I have coined (and expect a royalty from all you other reviewers out there for) quick cut action sequencing. This is where in a fight scene rather than actually hire actors who can fight and a choreographer who can set up a scene they just film the actors throwing punches, rolling around together, and spitting fake blood and then edit the whole bundle into a series of 1/4 second or less fast shots that simulate action while letting you know nothing about what is actually going on. It is a horrible technique, and all who ascribe to it shall one day eat a turd in hell for movie blaspheme. However, what Megaton did was decide that this technique is so awesome at hiding his inability to direct that he was going to apply it not only to fight scenes but every gun fight and car chase as well. As soon as the action music starts rolling the film starts to look like you are trying to watch it through a kaleidoscope in a shockless car on a dirt road. Even the slow motion car explosion scenes are cut into 5-10 tiny little headache inducing cuts. It is a horrible technique and needs to stop.
Anyway, the story, for lack of a better term. It is now five years past the events of Taken, and ex CIA operative Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson-Taken, The Grey, Batman Begins) is still obsessively stalking his daughter Kim (Maggie Grace-Taken, Lockout, Lost), who in spite of being five years older than she was in the last movie (when she was 17) still doesn’t have her drivers license. There is some really pointless character development with his ex wife Lenore 
(Jean Grey from all the X-men movies. X-men image courtesy of the Comic Book T Shirt category) and the meeting of Kim’s boyfriend Jamie (Luke Grimes-Assassination of a High School President, Brothers and Sisters, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane) who as a face you just want to stick fists into. In spite of the fact that last time she traveled to a foreign country she was kidnapped and sold as a sex slave to an Arab sheik Kim is totally gung ho to fly to an Arabic country with her mom to hang out with her father (Darwin at work, I guess).
Meanwhile, all the relatives of the guys Bryan killed in the last movie are out for blood. The head guy is Murad Krasniqi (Rade Serbedzija-Batman Begins, Snatch, Mission Impossible II), the father of the guy Bryan electrocuted in the last one. They “take” Bryan and Lenore but now (careful or some of this amazing plot twist might get in your eye) it is Kim who manages to escape and rescue her dad (or at least deliver to him a gun). That’s pretty much it except for the shooting, driving, and bleeding. All the great investigative elements and the mad intensity that Liam Neeson brought to Taken are completely missing from this film, leaving the director with a huge gape that he either filled with more bad action or nothing.
The stars. I still like Liam Neeson, and while they kind of spread him too thin on this film like a tiny drop of grease trying to lubricate a giant engine, it was cool to see him as Bryan Mills again. One star. Maggie Grace is pretty hot, and they managed to contrive an excuse for her to run around in short shorts and a bikini top for an extended period of time. One star. That’s pretty much it. Two stars.
The black holes. This film comes with all varieties of plot holes, from marble sized all the way up to Indiana Jones crushing. One black hole. A tired, unimaginative retread in an attempt to draw bored idiots (like me) into the seats. One black hole. No story to speak of. One black hole. Quick cut action editing to drive you nuts. One black hole. If you hadn’t seen the first film you would have had no reason to remotely care about any of the characters in this one. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. I won’t say this movie is horrible. If all you want is action and you change channel on your TV every 1/4 second odds are you can enjoy this film. If you are a fan of the complexity and character behind Taken (as I am) prepare to be bitterly disappointed. They took the script from Taken and left in out in the sun too long. Date movie? Meh. Nothing in here will encourage your date to take off her clothes but on the other hand nothing will discourage it. The romance is tepid and tertiary at best. Bathroom break? Any time in the first 35 minutes will work fine. Once the action starts you might as well sit through it as it is the only thing in the film worth viewing. The film is a flaccid 91 minutes long, but if you really can’t hold it I’d say the scene where Kim is watching her cell phone do a 5 minute count down. Some action there but not a ton.
Thanks for reading. Plenty more to see this week, including Frankenweenie (why am I not excited to see this?), Hotel Transylvania (looks cute), Pitch Perfect (there’s never an incoming meteor when you really need one) and Trouble with the Curve (I will probably love this one. I have a thing for baseball movies). Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Any off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Have a great Columbus Day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Won’t Back Down Review
Ever see a cartoon that looks and acts like a real movie? Now you can see a real movie that looks and acts like a cartoon!
I wasn’t sure which movie to see the other night. I was torn between this one and the House at the End of the Street. They both looked annoying, but since I have been watching S2 of the Walking Dead lately I figured I had had my fill of horror this week. Also HATES looks chock full of exactly the lamo teenage cutesy kids that make me wish for the annihilation of the human race. When I realized my dream girl Maggie Gyllenhaal was in this one I figured “How painful could this be?”
The answer, unfortunately, was pretty painful. I will be the first to admit that I am not the target demographic most chick flicks strive to attract, being the most macho man you will ever meet who loves Cyndi Lauper music and plays with toy soldiers. However, the last two years of movie reviews has expanded my appreciation of movies outside of my normal genres and I like to think that while I might not enjoy a movie type in particular in general I am capable of recognizing quality work when I see it and in my opinion, I did not just see it.
The movie runs a massive 121 minutes and believe me, you will feel every one of them. The pacing drags on like trying to push your car to the gas station and accidentally left your parking brake on. The “drama” is so tertiary and uninspired that you might forget to keep breathing. The story attempts to show character development, but the main issue with that is the main character Jamie Fitzpatrick (Maggie) is so cartoonish and over the top that she literally eclipses every other character on the screen with her. It’s like trying to create a beautiful Lite-Brite flower but the light in the center has been replaced by a 400 watt flood. The only character who is even remotely interesting is Nona (Violet Davis), the teacher, but she is only able to shine in scenes where Jamie is absent.
This is not a criticism on Maggie Gyllenhaal, whom I consider a talented actor, but rather on writer/director Daniel Barnz (the Cutting Room, Beastly, Phoebe in Wonderland) for his creation of a working class super woman who crushes every obstacle in front of her with the relentless wheel of her steamroller personality. Her ability to beat down every problem in her path gets ridiculous and manages to more or less drain the drama from the entirety of the film.
The rest of the characters (with the exception of Violet Davis) are two dimensional cartoon characters as well, but none so much as the villain. Barnz wanted to create a movie about improving grade schools in America, so who does he tap for the villain? A selfish and uncaring school board? A corrupt city government? Local gangs and drug dealers making the school a living hell? No. How about…the teachers union??? Really? He makes the bad guys literally the teachers and the head of the union a selfish egomaniac who is only in it for those big teacher bucks. 
That is like creating a Death Star and crewing it with Care Bears (instead of having it be defeated by them. Empire logo from the Star Wars T Shirt collection). The only way he could have made the main bad guy more pointlessly evil is if they had raided his house and found he had been fertilizing his garden with dead babies. It seems pretty obvious that Barnz has some kind of axe to grind with organized labor.
The story. Jamie Fitzpatrick (Maggie Gyllenhaal-Stranger than Fiction, Donnie Darko, the Dark Knight) is a working class single mom who dresses like a stripper does during the day and works two jobs to support her child Malia (Emily Alyn Lind-Enter the Void, the Secret Life of Bees, J Edgar), who goes to THE WORST SCHOOL IN THE HISTORY OF EDUCATION! I’m not kidding about this. It’s almost like Barnz wanted to drive some anti-teacher union message home and took every example of horrible education ever and rolled it into one school. Also, Malia’s specific teacher Deborah (Nancy Bach-Dogma, Black Dahlia, the Bread, My Sweet) is painted as another stupidly evil and exploitative character for no reason. Basically Darth Vader to the union leaders Grand Moff Tarkin. Anyway, Jamie wants Malia to actually learn to read and tries assorted things to get her into another school or another class but is shut down by the most exciting movie antagonist possible, bureaucracy.
Meanwhile teacher Nona Alberts (Viola Davis-the Help, Disturbia, Solaris) is trying to find inspiration and help her own challenged son Cody (Dante Brown-America, Prodigy Bully, I Heart Shakey) with school. Jamie finds out about an obscure law allowing parents and teachers to take over a school if they think it is failing and doesn’t let the fact that it has never ever worked before sway her. She and Nona go through a long (long, long) process of collecting signatures and recruiting teachers. Meanwhile, the big, bad teachers union shows up in the person of sympathetic front woman Evelyn Riske (Holly Hunter-the Incredibles, the Piano, Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou. Am I the only one who finds her accent and slight lisp really sexy?) and Satan level evil union head Arthur Gould (Ned Eisenberg-Limitless, Last Man Standing, Million Dollar Baby). They do what they can to stop the pair from helping the school with a clear objective of destroying kids lives (Gould even says something to the effect of “When kids start paying union dues I’ll start to care about them”. Duh).
Honestly, that’s the story. The rest is a long, drawn out grind towards the inevitable and heartwarming ending. Minor obstacles are overcome, but they are more speed bumps than barricades. The final dramatic scene is the school room board meeting where the vote is split straight down straight white people verses alternative lifestyle and minority people. Then, with the magic of a jump cut scene, the school is miraculously transformed into the greatest educational institution since the founding of Harvard (it’s amazing what you can accomplish with some editing software).
The stars. I fell in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal when she did Stranger that Fiction (if you happen to read this, Maggie, I would risk extreme injury for the chance to have dinner with you), and she remains as hot and cool as ever (if disappointingly clothed). One star. I thought both she and Viola Davis did a good job with the mediocre roles they were handed, and the Nona Albert sub plot was as close as I came to being interested in this film. One star. I also thought both Emily Alyn Lind and Dante Brown did a great job as kid actors. One star. Total: three stars.
The black hole. Paced like standing on line at the DMV in Hell. Two black holes. Ultimately boring, with nothing really to sink my teeth into story wise. One black hole. Over the top, cartoonish characters with little to no depth. One black hole. Demonizing an organization that really doesn’t deserve it, and staffing it with Satan’s minions. One black hole. Painfully predicable in every regard. One black hole. Stupidly manipulative on almost every level. One black hole. Using a film to foster a political agenda. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
A grand total of five black holes. Not really worth seeing in a theater IMO. I’m not saying you will wish for a clean death. It’s not THAT bad. It’s just that this is the film equivalent of eating 0% unflavored yogurt. No flavor, no texture, and while it may help sustain you ultimately you are spooning spoiled milk into your mouth (guess what’s on my menu for lunch today? I hate dieting). You might actually enjoy it, if you think that the teachers unions are directly responsible for the downfall of the American education system or enjoy the idea of wading through a massive bureaucracy to accomplish a nebulous goal. Date movie? Probably not, unless your date is hyper active and you have tried everything short of rufies to calm her down. Bathroom break? This film is so bland and uneventful I can’t for the life of me remember a specific point that seems more worthless than the rest of the film. Feel free to cut out any time. It’s a long movie, so odds are you will have to.
Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a tepid review. They can’t all be winners, and blase movies inspire blase reviews. There’s a lot of new stuff out right now, but none of it really excites me. I’ll go see something soon. I suspended my watching of all the TOS episodes so I can finally see S2 of the Walking Dead on NetFlix. Awesome. I am working on a new Star Trek post soon that should be fun however. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments on this review or movie here, and if you have off topic suggestions or questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Looper Review
Sooper.
I feel like I have somehow shifted into an alternative Bizarro world where the majority of movies are actually decent and not the intellectual equivalent of blunt trauma to the head. This is the third movie in a row I have watched and thoroughly enjoyed. It actually scares me, in the sense that I feel like we are somehow headed to cinema Armageddon, where the all time worst movie in the history of the world will be released and completely destroy society.
Of course, Jack and Jill has already been released and we survived that, so how bad could it be?
Anyway, Looper. I have said many times that time travel as a plot device is the potty training seat of movie making: there to help a toddler to not soil him or herself and learn to use a toilet like an adult. Whenever a fully grown adult wants to use the training seat it is pathetic and creepy. However, I am going to amend that statement and say that while time travel as a plot device is weak, time travel as a main storyline can be good as long as it is treated properly.
Oh, this film suffers from any of the normal time travel bugaboos. If you think too much about it the paradoxes will hurt your brain, and the fundamental Laws of Thermodynamics are bent over a pinball machine and raped. However, if time travel were feasible then the way it was treated in this film could potentially work without straining your suspension of disbelief to badly (unlike MIB3). It should be obvious to any reader of science fiction that the writer of this film subscribes to the “flowing river of time” theory of time travel rather than the “butterfly effect” theory. In other words, the flow of time has the means and inclination to correct itself and more or less remain on track when hit with minor events but a strong enough event (killing a man in the past, inventing something from the future, etc) will cause the flow of time to completely shift over into something new. Changes are shown for individuals, but the major events and even the individuals are not really affected. This really is the only way to approach a movie like this, although in truth I think the butterfly effect has a lot more credibility (dinosaur image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category).
However, if you can buy into time travel and are happy with it than this movie is an exceptionally well made and entertaining film. Acting was great from both Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, story was well thought out and complicated enough to hold your attention without being brain strainingly convoluted, and the action was both cool and believable. Overall a great film. Just don’t let your mind wander down the dark paths towards annoying questions like “Why did they need to transport the victims back in time live? Couldn’t they have just transported a corpse? Why couldn’t they have transported them into the heart of an active volcano, or the bottom of the ocean, or the earths core?” Also it wouldn’t be a science fiction movie review from me if I did not point out how bad the science really is. The main issue I spotted here was the idea of being able to send someone back in time yet have them land on the planet Earth at all. There is no known central point in the galaxy and everything’s movement is all based on relative positioning. If you try to send someone back in time 70 years our planet will have traveled billions, if not trillions of miles in that time period and your guy should be on the other side of the universe (which would actually neatly solve your problem with regards to getting rid of a body for you).
I told myself I wouldn’t do this, but since I have started I can’t help but point out another major plot flaw here. If they can send a guy back in time why would they use the machine just for getting rid of inconvenient people? Why not send a guy back to win the lottery six times in a row and start a massive business empire based on futuristic technology? If you timed it to arrive the day after you were born you could make sure your youthful self lived a massive life of luxury and have things good forever.
Anyway, the story. Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Inception, 50/50, the Dark Knight Rises) is a Looper, a hit man in a dystopic near future who’s job is to wait at predetermined points for victims from 30 years further to appear and execute them. He and his friends live lives of luxury but are called Loopers because at some point at the end of 30 years they will have to execute themselves to avoid being caught time traveling (I know, I know. It is a less annoying concept when you see the film). Joe’s friend Seth (Paul Dano-There Will be Blood, Knight and Day, Little Miss Sunshine) let’s his future self get away and gets to demonstrate what happens when someone doesn’t close the loop. Joe ends up meeting his future self Older Joe (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, Fifth Element, Pulp Fiction) who manages to get away from him. Now it is a race to catch and kill his future self before the guy in charge catches him and starts cutting off body parts in order to make Older Joe come back in. Older Joe has his own agenda relating to killing a crimelord as a young child before he can become he terror of the future.
Honestly, I don’t want to get too much deeper into the story as I think it really good and you should all see it. The chance of throwing out an accidental spoiler is high. There are some cool twists. There are some great gun fights. Nothing gets blown up in the name of stupid cinematic. The movie ends super cool.
The stars. The story was great. Two stars. Exceptionally well acted by both Willis and Gordon-Levitt. Two stars. Great supporting cast, including a couple hot girls and the main bad guy. There’s also one little kid (Pierce Gagnon-the Crazies, One Tree Hill, the Way Home) who nails it for a ten year old kid. Remarkable. One star. A slight flavoring of a little rated R nudity. One star. A lot of story is delivered with remarkable efficiency. We are treated to a complex story with a minimum of wasted scenes. One star. The ending is really cool. One star. The director managed to avoid the sci fi trap of over explaining everything. One star. Overall a really fun movie. Two stars. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. While I enjoyed the hell out of this film, there are any number of what I might on a crappier day call massive time travel related plot holes. One black hole. They movie kept showing the police doing…something? I couldn’t figure out if they were working for the bad guy or working against him. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of nine stars, and yet another recommendation that you go see this film. I really had fun with it, and I think you will too. Date movie? Maybe. The romance was a little tertiary, but both young and old Joe is what women tell me is hot so I guess it might get your date in the right mood. Of course if you compare unfavorable this could bite you on the ass. Bathroom break? The movie is pretty good in it’s entity, but if you have to go I would say the scene where young Joe wakes up chained to a cot in the barn of the hot chicks farm. Not a lot going on there that you can’t pick up later on.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I haven’t been writing all weekend, but I did a really crummy event (somehow the organizers thought doubling the ticket price was the way to increase attendance). It was a huge waste of time and I lost money. I am a little bitter about it, which means every minute I spend folding and sorting the t-shirts from the show is another hot coal you know where. 
However, the one positive thing from the weekend is I got to spend some time with one of my favorite show celebs, the lovely Ms. Maxine Wasa. She has starred in a number of films most notably My Stepmother is an Alien and is now a scream queen, starring in any number of independent, cool horror films. She has also been recently cast in a biker reality show with mans man Chuck Zito. More importantly, however, she is cool and fun to talk to (not to mention very easy on the eyes). She asked me to mention that she will be participating in the Rock the Walk event in Los Angeles, a benefit concert for AIDS research. If you are going to be in LA next weekend be sure to stop by and check it out. If you see Max tell her I said hi.
Dave
Some thoughts on Star Trek TOS women.
With a bonus note on grammar.
So as I mentioned recently I am watching all the Star Trek TOS episodes while working on my new Warhammer army and am enjoying the hell out of it. Not only am I seeing all my old favorites, but I am also getting to catch up on a few that I only saw maybe once or twice, and even a couple that to my deep shame I have never seen (having only watched them in syndication there were a few that really never go aired much). I am rethinking some of the relative positions for my best and worst episodes (not a lot of shift, but some) but the one thought that is hitting my brain stem more than any other is the Star Trek producers hired only the most gorgeous women in the known universe.
I’m not kidding. It really struck home last night when I was watching Requiem for Methuselah (image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirt category)and realized that the girl playing Reyna (Louise Sorel) was about 50 times hotter than any women ever seen on any TNG episode, and comparable to Seven of Nine from Voyager (Jeri Ryan). However, she is not alone. Pretty much every episode has a girl so hot it makes your skull hurt. I don’t want to name any here because I think once I am done I will do a list of the 20 hottest girls from the series as a separate blog post (nothing creepy about that). Some of the episodes focused almost exclusively on how hot they were (Mudd’s Women, for example).
This begats the question why can’t modern shows do the same thing? There are some obvious answers. If a show clearly exploited women like TOS did than it would probably be protested by every feminist organization on the planet and then carpet bombed. TNG not only swallowed the PC pill but let it brew into an even more potent mixture in its stomach before spewing it out over every other Star Trek series. However, let’s consider shows outside of the Trek universe.
The modern show that pops into mind for hot eye candy is How I Met Your Mother. Every week Barney hooks up with 2-6 hot girls. If we flash back a bit Married With Children did the same by finding an excuse to have a hot chick walk into Al’s shoe shop or something. However, I would like to point out that while Star Trek clearly was bringing in women to hang on Kirks arm and fall in love with him, in every case they got more than a few lines and were never just bit characters. In most episodes they were critical to the story and not just there to make Kirk look good.
That’s not really the mystery here. The mystery is why is it all the women on Star Trek are way hotter than all the women on How I Met Your Mother (even Robin. Sorry, Cobie Smulders. I still love you). Honestly, I think it’s the presentation. The women on Star Trek (and 60’s TV in general) were presented as sophisticated, elegant goddesses whereas modern women have taken to letting casual be the rule of the day. I’m not saying women don’t spend a lot of time on their looks because they absolutely do. I’m just saying that all the women today want to look naturally hot, which mentally translates into looking like you put no effort in. The average hairdo on a Star Trek babe looks like it took two hours and a vat of hair cream to accomplish, whereas today those same two hours is spent looking like you didn’t have to do anything at all. Furthermore, you never see a Star Trek women wearing jeans. The dress a Star Trek girl wears is one that a modern woman would bitch about having to put on for a formal ball. They just look more put together.
A side effect of looking like you took a lot of time putting your coif and outfit together is you end up looking more like a lady. Not to imply anything, but the women of Star Trek just look a lot more wholesome than the women of the modern TV age. Somehow Elaan (France Nuyen) from Elaan of Troyios looks more ladylike in a metal bikini armed with a dagger than all the women of Sex and the City put together. This might be the most sexist thing I have ever said, but what passes for ladylike dress and behavior in the modern world just isn’t as attractive as what you used to see in the time of Americana.
Congratulations Dave. You have successfully given every woman you meet another reason to reject and despise you. However, given my typical luck with the ladies I don’t really think I could do much more damage. At least if I get rejected by a girl and she says it’s because of this blog post I will have a definitive reason, rather than the horrible vague B-S I get on a regular basis. Besides, don’t all women say they want honesty in a man?
Before I get going I want to mention something about grammar. I have been called to account a few times for being a grammar moron. I typically can write well but seem to screw up on things like “then” or “than”, as well possessive s’s (is it Boy’s t shirts or Boys t shirts???). I do proofread these before posting them but seem to have a blind eye for certain spelling and grammar mistakes. I go back and read old blog posts of mine (yes, my ego is that big. Besides, why would you not read something this brilliant?) and catch things that seem super obvious but at the time I missed twice. I don’t quite get it. If you should spot an error feel free to point it out and I will fix it. Just try to understand that I’m not a total moron and usually I just miss things that on a different day would stick out like a sore thumb. If you are interested in catching me (or just improving your own grammar) I found a pretty handy and succinct resource in this article on correct grammar usage in the modern age. I like it because it is simple and has some cartoons.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to disagree all you want here or hate spam me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (follow me first, please). Any off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. My friend Brian is going to show us Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park at movie night. I don’t think I will be doing a formal review but already have a few ideas on blogs I could do about it. I’m headed to the Sacramento Horror Convention this weekend but if I get a chance will try to see a movie and write it up. If you live in Sac stop by and say hi. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Happy Birthday, Mark Hamill
As any nerd can tell you, the great Mark Hamill played Kenneth Dantley Jr. in the epic film Corvette Summer (he also played Luke Skywalker in the original (by that I mean good) Star Wars trilogy but no one bothers to remember that) and as such is an icon of nerd culture. However, what a lot of less well informed people don’t know is since then he has become an amazing voice over guy and did one of the greatest cartoon voices ever, the Joker from the original Batman the Animated Series.
Words cannot accurately describe how awesome this voice was. When I think of Joker I hear Mark Hamill’s insane cackle in the back of my head. He had the perfect combination of humorous clown and psychotic killer all wrapped up in one. Amazing.
Anyway, today is Mark’s birthday and I would like to wish him a happy one. Thank you sir, for being a part of a huge piece of my childhood and then moving on to do even more cool stuff. I salute you.
By the way, if you want to have some fun Google “Star Wars Muppet Show” and enjoy seeing Mark guest star on the Muppets. But don’t do the Holiday Special unless you want all things good in your life to turn to ash forever. I’m not kidding at all on that. If you watch that film you will want to die.
Joker image courtesy of the DC Comic T Shirt category BTW.
Dave
End of Watch Review
You say your life lacks intensity? This movie is the cure.
In January when I do my end of the year retrospective I am going to remember this weekend as the most awesome weekend of movie releases ever. Dredd was freaking amazing, and now I have End of Watch to be the second in a run of tremendous movies.
Director David Ayer did Training Day, one of my previous all time favorite cop movies, and it is fair to say I went into this film with extremely high expectations. This is often a big mistake, as it sets the stage for massive disappointment when the director proves he only has one good effort in him and trips on his own private parts. However, this was not the case for End of Watch as it managed to actually exceed my high expectations.
There are some obvious comparisons to Training Day, but in truth I believe it has more in common with the 1988 Sean Penn movie Colors. It has a similar feel being shot over a period of several months without a true central plot or antagonist. It is a true buddy movie, showing the daily lives and traumas of two LAPD cops, Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal-Donnie Darko, Source Code, Brokeback Mountain) and Mike Zavala (Michael Peña-30 Minutes or Less, Tower Heist, Shooter). The whole movie is shot found footage style, except for when the director didn’t feel like coming up with an excuse to have a camera involved and blew it off. This is actually my one real criticism of the film. If you are going to do found footage cool, but don’t go to the trouble of establishing a reason for cameras to always be around and then bailing on it to do a bunch of standard POV shots.
Fortunately the rest of the movie makes up for this problem. During the course of several months (or maybe even years) you see the two men laugh, joke, and bromance each other to the hilt. Brian starts off as the single ladies man while Mike has been married since high school. You see Brian develop a strong romance and eventually marry my other future wife Anna Kendrick (50/50, Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, Up in the Air) while Mike’s wife Gabby (Natalie Martinez-Death Race, Saints and Sinners, Magic City Memoirs) delivers a baby boy. Each scene is filmed around a particular event in their career; a pulled over vehicle resulting in a drug bust, the discovery of a bunch of corpses, etc. Some of them are loosely connected to a Mexican drug cartel that eventually puts a hit out on the two officers. Multiple shootings occur. Cars get chased, and the last 20 minutes of this film will most likely be the most intense movie scene you have experienced in years.
Before I get into the stars and black holes I would like to say that this movie draws you in like no other that I have seen in a long time. The combination of the found footage with the amazing performances by Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena cause you to develop a real connection with them and honestly care about what happens. 
I am pretty much a robotic shell of a man, but by the end of this film this movie manage to reach deep inside and stimulate the frozen chunk of coal that passes for my heart to actually beat a couple times. All that excess blood ran to the decrepit emotional part of my brain and I was in series danger of exhibiting an emotional response. Fortunately I was able to quash it but you humans should be able to really get something from this. (Obey Robot image one of the many nerd t-shirts I have in my collection)
The stars. The acting was truly amazing. Oscar nomination worthy IMO. Three stars. All the support characters were great. One star. You actually care about what happens to the characters. One star. I got to experience the most alien of emotions a regular movie attendee can: excitement. Two stars. For a found footage film pacing was brilliant. One star. The women in this film were good eye candy without distracting from the film. One star. They managed to fit in a bunch of interesting minor sub plots without hurting the overall movie (one advantage to not really having an overall plot, I guess). One star. The action was well done in the confines of found footage. Somehow a 15 second gun battle seen through the dashboard camera of a police car is much more exciting than a full production running gun battle. One star. Truly a great cinema experience. Two stars. Total: thirteen stars.
The black holes. The sudden shift from found footage to POV camera is a little annoying. One black hole. There was something of a lack of overall story that I think might have helped, but honestly I am just picking at nits here. It is fine without it, but one black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of eleven stars, and yet another recommendation to see this film. That’s two great movies to review in a row. I keep waiting for the Earth to stop spinning on its axis. See both this film and Dredd at your earliest convenience, although you might not want to see them back to back as you could die of an awesomeness overdose. Date movie? I’m going to say yes on this one. The emotional interaction between the characters could very well speak to a woman, and while Jake Gyllenhaal is kind of a pretty boy I think you might gain some kind of bounce back from him into your bed, if you know what I mean. Bathroom break? This is another film I am going to say you want to see in its entirety, but if you super sized and can’t hold it Brian’s wedding could be mostly missed I think, especially when everyone starts drinking. Just hurry back.
Thanks for reading. If I have the energy I might go see something else later tonight, but I am afraid of ruining my streak. It’s going to happen eventually, however, and bad movies tend to make for funnier review. There isn’t much entertainment to be had listening to me gush like a fan boy. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on this movie or review please post them here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Dredd 3D Review
Pretty freaking awesome.
If you have read more than a few of my reviews than you know what a rarity it is for me to just come out and say a movie rocks. I’m like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets; no matter how good a movie is I almost always find something to criticize and harp on about.
However, I’m having a hard time pulling something to bite into on this one. Sure, I could talk about the lack of character development and the thinness of the story, but as a fan of the Judge Dredd comic I not only expected that but honestly feel this character needs these things in order to function. If you take this movie for what is supposed to be-a hyper gory violent film adeptation of a hyper gory violent comic book-than it is nigh flawless.
I will satisfy my minimum bile requirements by talking a little about the 1995 Sly Stallone Judge Dredd. Like most nerds I find a certain amount of guilty pleasure in watching this film. It is entertaining in the same way putting one of your friends hands in warm water while he is sleeping is entertaining. Sure, you like the guy and would be willing to help him if he were in trouble, but you can’t help but laugh when you see him wet himself. Stallone attempted to take the role seriously, but the lines he was given were so comical he couldn’t help but come across as a douche. Also, if you read Dredd comics you know there is no room in Dredds life for comic relief, and in 1995 they saddled him with comic relief equivalent of the Ebola virus, Rob Schneider. Sorry, but there are no circumstances in which I want to see Judge Dredd running around with Duece Bigalow, Male Gigolo.
Also, and this is a big also, Judge Dredd is always painted as the grim, faceless force of merciless justice. I guess Sylvester Stallone was too big a star to include in a movie back then without showing his face, but had he kept the helmet on the entire time I think it would have been a better film. Dredd is like a justice tornade; he’s not supposed to have a face.
Fortunately for us in Dredd the helmet stays on, the voice stays gravely, and what you can see of Dredd’s facial expression ranges from scowly to OMG turn-you-to-stone scowly. In other words, this is the Judge Dredd we all wanted to see from the comic book. All the humanity and interaction we would hope to see in a film is delivered by his sidekick Judge Anderson, the psychic Judge from the comic. She manages to add a great contrast to Dredd’s grimness without distracting the story. They honestly work brilliantly together, and each uses their respective skills to accomplish the mission.
I suppose I should ding the movie for being a clear rip off of the Raid: Redemption. However, if you recall in that review I said this is what a rated R movie is supposed to look like. In most cases copies are akin to taking a mediocre image and photocopying it several times, ending up with an even worse image. In this case it is more serving you a delicious meal of all your favorite foods and then serving it to you again a year later, 
only on the finest china with excellent wine, a hot nude waitress, and a bucket of Ranch (Ranch image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). In this case I am going to say being a remake of the Raid is actually a good move, even though saying that galls me like swallowing broken glass.
The story is pretty damned simple. Judge Dredd (Dr. McCoy from Star Trek 2009, The Two Towers, the Bourne Supremacy) is saddled with rookie psychic cop Judge Anderson (Olivia Thirlby-the Darkest Hour, No Strings Attached, Juno, and hopefully my future wife) for a day of evaluation. They opt to investigate three murders at Peach Tree Estate, a high rise slum in Mega City one, the dystopian home for Americas population (the rest of America being a radiated wasteland). The three murders were committed by Ma-ma, the local crimelord (Lena Headey-300, Imagine Me & You, Terminator: the Sarah Conner Chronicles) who has been creating a narcotic called Slo-Mo. Slo-mo speeds up the brain so everything seems to be happening at 1% of it’s normal speed. In most cases I wouldn’t go into a plot point like that except Slo-Mo becomes responsible for a lot of the coolest effects later on.
Dredd and Anderson investigate the local drug dealer they believe responsible for the murders and during the bust capture one of Ma-ma’s goons. In order to keep him from being interrogated she locks down the entire building and orders the population to kill the two. This is where the Raid: Redemption kicks in, only with less martial arts and more massive gun battles. Hundreds of people get shot, usually in slow motion extra-goryvision, things get blown up, and Dredd proves why he is the most infamous Judge in Mega-City One.
The stars. Staying true to canon. Two stars. Awesome action all around. Three stars. This film earns its R rating the hard way with massive gore and violence and stays there. Normally I give a movie a black hole for being rated R with no nudity, but honestly this film did not need it. One star. I can’t really give a star to the acting as most of the movie did not require a lot of acting, but the characters of both Dredd and Anderson were faithfully and accurately portrayed to both of the actors credit. One star. I’ll also say the balance between the two characters added a lot. One star. Pacing was dead on perfect, with just the right amount of great action interspersed with good dialog and character interaction. One star. The prop making for the Judges uniforms and guns was brilliant. One star. As I normally hate 3D just saying this hurts like passing a grapefruit sized kidney stone made of burning coal, but the 3D effects added tremendously to the experience and were really freaking good. If you go see this movie see it in 3D (ugh I need a shower). One star. Overall an awesome movie experience. Three stars. Total: 14 stars (!?!?).
I suppose I had better channel Statler and Waldorf and deliver some black holes or be accused of being a fan boy. The story really was extremely simple and a clear rip off of The Raid Redemption. One black hole. The character of Ma-ma as the villain was really two dimensional and kind of uninteresting. She didn’t really have any brilliant plans or evil monologues. One black hole. I suppose I could have an issue with the other Judges rather lackadaisical attitude towards Dredd and Anderson being attacked. Doesn’t quite sit with what I remember from the comic. One black hole. That’s it. Three black holes.
A grand total of eleven stars and my massive encouragement that you all see this film. If there were a chart listing comic book movies based on how well they translated over this one would be all the way over on the right next to (or even a little past) the Avengers (Green Lantern and the Green Hornet would be over on the left). See it in a theater, and pay the extra for the 3D. Date movie? Hell no. This movie is so laden with testosterone they were probably spraying it on the popcorn. There is absolutely nothing a normal girl would like in this movie. Bathroom break? Trust me, you don’t want to miss a second of this film. If you really don’t think you can hold it for 95 lousy minutes sneak an empty bottle in with you if you know what I mean (please don’t do that really. It’s gross. Just cross your legs and dash for the restroom at the end).
Thanks for reading. This is looking like a great weekend for me as I plan to see End of Watch tonight. Look for that review tomorrow. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be email to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (act now to be number 168!). Talk to you soon.
Dave
Branded Move Review
The weirdness on this film goes to 11.
So does the pretentiousness, tonelessness, and overall lack of story. (Spinal Tap image comes from the Funny T Shirt category, by the way)
This film was really not what I expected. From the couple of trailers I saw and the one poster I thought I was going to see a remake of They Live with the aliens replaced by corporate automatons. Instead, this movie wheezes from one story tone to another like a broken Slinky struggling to make it down a flight of stairs.
I can honestly say I don’t know what kind of movie this is supposed to be. The ad blurb describe it as a sci fi action/drama/mystery set in a dystopic future but honestly you could see this more as a psychotic breakdown on the part of the main character. It shift gears frequently and plays like five different directors shot completely different films using the same actors and tried to edit them all into one incoherent mess. There is the evil powers controlling our minds through advertising (They Live), the rejection of materialism (Fight Club), the possible psychotic breakdown that just might be for real (Brazil), the evil supermind controlling things from across the world (any good James Bond), a weird unintentional spy movie sub plot (the Man Who Knew Too Little) and the religious/science fiction epiphany that changes everything (Phenomenon, mixed in with a little of the Gods are Crazy), all wrapped up with a bow made of old Simpsons episodes.
On the other hand, at least the title actually has something to do with the movie. The film is about the evils of marketing and brand recognition, and is titled Branded. Kudos. On the other other hand, the poster shows the main character with an axe in one hand and a gun in the other, sort of implying some kind of zombie apocalypse survival/horror story. However, I can tell you the axe plays a very minor part in the story and at no time does anyone use or carry a gun.
The story. Young Misha as a child gets struck by lightning sent down by a giant space cow (no joke) and is given super human marketing powers. As an adult Misha (Ed Stoppard-the Pianist, Joy Division (not the band, as far as I can tell), the Little Vampire) is a marketing genius in the capitalist wonderland of Moscow. He is responsible for bringing any number of major Western brands cleverly renamed in order to not get sued by the real companies. His boss (Jeffrey Tambor, if you can believe it. Arrested Development, There’s Something About Mary, the Hangover) treats him like crap and is also some kind of spy(?). Misha starts hooking up with the bosses niece (Leelee Sobieski-Joy Ride, the Glass House, Joan of Arc). Meanwhile cut to a Polynesian island where Max Von Sydow (Shutter Island, the Exorcist, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) is the reining King of Marketing. He has been approached by the fast food industry to help them regain lost market share due to everyone not wanting to eat garbage anymore.
He cooks up a scheme to redefine the nature of beauty, making fat the new gorgeous. He creates an extreme makeover show in Russia where a fat girl is going to be surgically altered into a skinny hotty. Misha and Abby (the niece and love interest) produce the show, but when the girl goes into a coma a huge backlash hits them both while accomplishing Max’s goal. Abby goes back to America while Misha moves out to the countryside to be a shepherd.
If this description seems long it’s because that’s how the story progresses. While in the country Misha has a vision and does a ritual sacrifice of a cow (that’s where the axe comes in) and gains the powers to see giant balloon art creatures coming out of people. Abby is back and brings him to Moscow, where he discovers the animals are the actual souls of brands. Big ones hang out at the stores selling the stuff while little ones manifest themselves in humans as desire to eat the burger or buy the computer or whatever. He now sees all marketing as evil and figures out how to destroy them by training the creatures through (mostly illegal) advertizing campaigns. Eventually he causes a rebellion against all advertizing and it is all outlawed.
Honestly, that’s the abridged version. There must have been 60 minutes of sub plot and pointless character development leading up to the first sign of alien creatures. The movie drags on and on, but what is weird is while you are never really engaged you are also never really bored. I found myself sitting in my seat with an interest in what the writer was going to cook up. There were at least three different points that the movie could have reasonably ended but instead opted to continue for another 10 minutes and each time I found myself wondering what was going to happen next.
The stars. I will give massive props for actually coming out with an original movie that does not conform to one of the Hollywood safe genres (although they cheesed out the ending IMO). Three stars. I kind of liked Misha’s character at times. One star. The cynical Max Von Sydow was great. One star. In spite of all the issues, once you start watching it you are OK to sit in your seat for the entire 105 minutes. One stars. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The movie cries out for a specific tone. Two black holes. Paced like watching old people have intercourse while driving. One black hole. The overall message was painfully prosaic. Advertizing is bad? Sounds like a paper written by a first year sociology major. Two black holes. A number of completely pointless sub plots that did nothing but pad out the run time. Also the entire Max Von Sydow vignette looked and sounded like an entirely different movie. One black hole. The ending was complete wishful thinking. One black hole. Rated R for no apparent reason. I found out that your movie can get an R rating if it has too much advertizing in it, which is ironic. However, once you know that is going to happen for the love of keeping my interest go back and shoot some nudity. One black hole. Acting shifted gears as much as the tone of the film. One black hole. There was a painful voice over monologue that showed up to periodically pull you out of the movie immersion that later turned out to be the only real laugh in the film. One black hole. At the end of the film I walked out with a massive “WTF?” headache. One black hole. Total: eleven black holes.
A grand total of five black holes. Honestly, there isn’t a lot here to pull you into the theater. However, I find myself secretly loving this film for what it represents: a chance to make a low budget artsy film and have it look about as good as any high budget film. Sure, the CGI looked like a balloon artist dropped too much acid, but it was acceptable (at least as good as the demon from the end of the Season of the Witch). Camera work and editing was also acceptable. I couldn’t find out what the budget was on this film (searching for “Branded” and “Budget” will get you so much marketing garbage on Google your CPU will melt down. Some days I hate the Interlink) but it couldn’t have even been a million. With this film I see the potential for guys with a great idea, a couple decent cameras, and some good editing software to make an awesome movie that could be shown on the same screen as the Avengers. As Hollywood keeps pumping out the same remake garbage like a sewer pipe running in reverse I foresee a future wherein talented writers and directors in Boise produce the next Citizen Kane.
Is it worth seeing at all? I supposed, if you like surrealism and don’t mind grinding through excess junk. If you are so inclined see it in a theater as some of the CGI would look lame on a smaller screen. Also, let’s do what we can to support independent filmmakers. Date movie? Not unless you are trying to get her to stop calling you. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if you want a specific time close to the middle of the movie I would say the scene that starts off with Abby finding Misha as a shepherd is a great place to drop a deuce, flirt with the concession girl, and stick your head in another theater to watch five minutes of a different film.
Thanks for reading. Lot’s of stuff coming out this weekend. I am definitely going to see End of Watch and Judge Dredd so look for those reviews soon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or review feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Cold Light of Day Review
Yawn-tastic.
It’s rare that you see such a blatant use of the old bait-and-switch gambit in movie making. The other night while considering what movie to subject myself to I came across this film and saw that it featured Bruce Willis. I am a Bruce Willis fan and have found that he brings a lot of intensity and actual acting ability to action films. I checked out a trailer and saw he was featured prominently so I figured “How bad can it be? Even Hudson Hawk was entertaining”.
However, 15 minutes into the film Bruce’s character proves to have a fatal allergy to bullets, leaving us with Henry Cavill grinding through some of the most formulaic spy movie garbage possible. If there were a spy movie drinking game this film would have had me carted off with alcohol poisoning by the third act. If you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen this movie.
Again, the thing that frustrates me is that this movie did have some elements that might have saved it. Henry Cavill did his best with what he had. Sigourney Weaver is always worth watching. Some of the driving action was pretty good. The Spanish girl they got to play the female eye candy was reasonably hot.
However, this film seems motivated to prove the Third Law of Thermodynamics: for every force or action there is an equal and opposite force or action (or in this case film element). For all of Henrys effort in doing something with his character the rest of the cast acted like animatronic characters from a Disneyland ride. Sigourney Weaver Skyped in her performance, and her character gave us no real reason to either love or hate her. The chase scenes are well executed, but the jerky editing really takes you out of the immersion into a rancid theater seat with some homeless guy in the row ahead of you coughing up phlegm (I don’t know for sure he was homeless). The hot girl turns out to be the protagonists sister, bleeding any potential romance and secondary nuance into the afterlife with Bruce Willis.
And of course, the story is dry, boring, plot hole riddled, and ultimately lacking in anything to draw you in. You can watch the entirety of the film and never once feel your pulse quicken or your eyes open all the way.
The only thing that got my blood moving is an ugly trend I see in movie titles. It turns out in the last few years the need for a movie title to actually have anything to do with the movie is way more optional than most of us would imagine. Remember when Fight Club would describe a film about a club for fighting? Star Wars was about wars among the stars, Dusk Till Dawn was about surviving until morning, and Sex and the City was about a mythical (in my recent experience) city wherein sex would occur. Instead we get a lot of movies that seemed to be named by a marketing research department with no regard for the actual content of the film. This movie shares a lot in common with the movie Abduction, and one of those things is the worthlessness of the title. There is nothing in the film that remotely implies some significance to light, cold, or day. In fact a lot of the film takes place at night in what looks like a balmy Spanish city.
Anyway, the film. Will (Henry Cavill-the Tudors, Immortals, Man of Steel. By the way, I will say his acting ability has improved since Immortals) is a businessman flying into Spain to spend a week with his family; his enabling younger brother (Rafi Gavron), alchoholic mother (Caroline Goodall-Schindlers List, Cliffhanger, Hook), the brothers girlfriend (Emma Hamilton-the Tudors, Into the Storm, Friends Forever), and his father Martin (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, Sixth Sense, Fifth Element). Turns out his business is going bankrupt. Martin is a domineering jerk and the family does some social things and some attempt is made at developing the father/son antagonistic relationship. This all would have been handy if Martin hadn’t died 10 minutes later and the rest of his family gotten locked in a box for the rest of the film. Anyway, Will has a fight and swims to shore. While there the boat moves and it turns out the entire family is missing. They have been kidnapped and Martin has been working for the CIA as some kind of agent. 
He rescues Will from the local corrupt law enforcement and meets with Carrack (Sigourney Weaver-Alien, Paul, Heart Breakers. Alien image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt Category). After the meeting he gets shot.
Honestly, that is about when the story started to come apart in terms of keeping me interested. Will gets chases by a bad guy and accused of killing a Spanish policeman. He meets up with Carrack who turns out to want nothing(?) from him or something. He tracks down a friend of his dad and a hot girl (Verónica Echegui-Bunny and the Bull, My Name is Juani) who turns out to be his half sister. The bad guys turn out to be kind of good somehow, and Carrack is supposed to want to kill his whole family for no reason. There is a massive car chase and gun battle that no one in the city seems to care about.
The stars. The girl is pretty much what my dream woman should plan on looking like. One star. Even in bad movies I enjoy seeing both Sigourney Weaver and Bruce Willis. One star. I’ll give half a star for Henry Cavill doing his best with the role, and another half star for some of the driving action. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Having the main reason I saw this film disappear after 20 minutes. One black hole. Overall kind of boring and pointless. One black hole. Mediocre acting from pretty much everyone. One black hole. Some big giant plot holes and lack of motivation. One black hole. There was this huge mystery surrounding the contents of a briefcase, and at the end of the film not only did they fail to tell you what the hell was in it but they failed to impart any kind of meaning or point to the film. This isn’t Pulp Fiction. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a total of two black holes. It has been a while since I had a review in the negative. Either I am getting soft or have so become acclimatized to banality and mediocrity that even crap is starting to look good to me. I need to tighten up and be more merciless. Is there anything to make you want to go see this film? Not really. On the other hand there really isn’t anything so bad to make you not want to go see this film. If you watch it you will be occupied for 93 minutes and not really regret the time, but honestly you would be better reading a good book. Date movie? I supposed, if what you are looking for is bland, PG-13 action with no surprises. The lack of romance will not get her thinking in the right direction however so maybe not. Bathroom break? I’d say the scene in the club when they are treating Will’s gunshot wound with a magic spoon (I wish I were kidding) is pretty worthless.
Thanks for reading. More stuff coming out soon. Plus I have some more Star Trek related things to talk about. I know you can’t get enough of that. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to comment here on this film or my review. If you have an off topic question or comment email me at [email protected]. Thanks again. Talk to you soon.
Dave
