Savages Movie Review
Scarface meets Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
I am torn on this movie. I am an Oliver Stone fan (for the most part. We don’t need to talk about Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps or U-Turn) and can see some high quality elements in this film that could be interpreted as highly competent movie making. However, this film is a study in contrast in that for every element that seems good there is an equal and opposite element that has to suck. 
It’s like Stone is the engineer on a ship in Star Trek and has to keep the matter and anti matter engines in perfect balance (Scotty image courtesy of the Star Trek T Shirts category).
The film is of course a brutal and violent drug drama, with lots of blood and torture. However, the contrast to that is that the drug in question is marijuana. I’m sure there are some bad M-F-ers in the pot dealership world, but when I think of pot growers and dealers all I can see is a bunch of guys sitting on a couch sucking on their bong, eating pizza, and playing Xbox (which is literally how I have found every pot dealer on the planet), especially given the fact that it is more or less legal here in California. I’m sorry but I just cannot take the pot trade seriously enough to think of it as worthy of multiple decapitations. In my mind it’s like if you did a high powered finance drama centered around competing rings of lemonade stands. Even the drug use seems tame. The main characters are sparking up every ten minutes but seem coherent and prone to violence as ever. You just can’t compare that to Scarface sticking his head in a mountain of coke and then saying “Say hello to my little friend”.
The characters are all cartoonish exaggerations of every character you have ever seen in every movie ever. This actually works extremely well in the form of a few of the supporting characters (Benicio del Toro and John Travolta in particular) but makes all the main characters all seem flat and uninteresting. Blake Lively is the flattest of the two dimensional plot devices, pretty much playing the super hot stoner chick every high school pot dealer one day dreams of meeting. She acts stoned and happy when times are good and stoned and uphappy when things are bad. That’s pretty much it. Of the two male leads Taylor Kitsch is the next least interesting. His character is a burned out homicidal war vet who learns nothing, develops nothing, and does nothing besides shoot, stab, or blow up things.
Of the three Aaron Johnson’s character is both the most believable and most interesting character. He is the brains and pretty much plays the intellectual pot head to a T. However, as the story progresses he is called upon to do more and more horrible things to people that he would never do given an choice and thus actually develops as a character (albeit in a pretty negative direction).
Anyway, the three way romance that is supposed to be the driving motivation behind their actions felt like I was watching a documentary on the mating habits of a creature from another planet who’s entire chemistry is based on chlorine. The supporting characters (mostly villains) were all in their own way brilliant yet at the same time laughably comical. I can honestly say all the best scenes were ones that did not have the main characters in them. The pacing alternated between light speed and trying to push your out-of-gas 1979 Ford Thunderbird when you have forgotten to take the parking brake off. ***SPOILER ALERT*** The story itself was both wonderfully and overly complicated (at one point John Travolta asks Benicio del Toro “Do you understand?” in reference to some new plot twist and I found myself honestly answering “No, not really”) yet after delivering what seemed like a really cool and convoluted ending pulled a completely different and infinity stupider ending out of the dankest regions of the writers ass.
By the way, the movie is based on a 2010 novel by Dan Winslow. I mention that only because 85% of the plot is delivered to us by Blake Lively in a dead to the world monotone monolog that sounds suspiciously like listening to books on tape. I have always found a monolog painfully intrusive (which is why the final cut for Blade Runner will always be the best version) and this one not only breaks the fourth wall but then backs up and defiles its corpse. It seemed every time I started to get into what was going on plot-wise there is Blake again (whom we had just seen on screen crying for pot) to jerk us out of the story. Sorry Oliver, but a running monolog is a lazy movie makers tool in my opinion.
Another review where I go 800 words without actually talking about the story. Ben (Aaron Johnson-Kick Ass, the Illusionist, Nowhere Boy) is a botanist and Chon (Taylor Kitsch-Battleship, John Carter, X-Men Origins) is his high school friend turned ex military sociopath. Apparently they grow the worlds greatest pot (33% THC? Is that even possible? I would think that any plant, even pot, would have to have stuff like chloroform). They share a sexual relationship with their personal narrator O (ever watch the Story of O? 70’s porn at its best. Anyway, Blake Lively-Gossip Girl, Green Lantern, the Town) that puts the fun into dysfunctional. They are approached by a Mexican drug cartel led by Elena (Salma Hayek-Frida, Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico) who want to partner up. When they plan to abandon everything they have spent years building the cartel sends bad ass hit man Lado (Benicio del Toro-Snatch, Traffic, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the Usual Suspects) to kidnap O.
At that point the boys agree to the cartel’s demands but secretly start to screw with Elena by hitting her operations. They are sort of assisted by corrupt DEA agent Dennis (John Travolta-Pulp Fiction, Face Off, Greece) who has his own agenda. Fairly predictable betrayals and plot twists surface like stunned fish after dropping a stick of dynamite into the water. Stuff gets blown up, guys get killed (often in horrific ways) and a really dumb ending forms out of the dregs of the script.
The stars. The story was pretty good until the last ten minutes. One star. Benicio Del Toro was pretty awesome. One star. So was John Travolta as the weasel DEA agent. One star. The violence and action was embedded deep in the R rating zone and benefited from it. (By the way, I’m not going to black hole them for this as there are plenty of other things to hit them with, but if you are going for rated R throw in more than the most minimal nudity. If you are going to this hoping to see Blake Lively nude prepare for bitter disappointment) One star. The character development evinced by Ben was relatively interesting and added a something to the story. One star. In spite of the laughable nature of the pot trade (sorry, but all I can see is Cheech and Chong tooling around in a truck made of pot) and the comical nature of some of the characters the story itself made a lot of sense and was compelling (again, up until the end). One star. Overall reasonably good. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. It is true that I groan a lot when I am seeing movies, but when the stupid part of the movie ending surfaced literally the entire audience groaned with me. One black hole. The main characters were flat and for the most part kind of uninteresting. One black hole. The continuous monolog alternated between driving me nuts and putting me to sleep. One black hole. Speaking of sleeping, parts of the movie could give Ambien real competition. One black hole. I found many parts of this film really hard to identify with (three way romance, for one) and also can’t figure out which character I was supposed to identify with. By the end I actually had more sympathy for Salma Hayek’s character. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of two stars. Pretty mediocre for an Oliver Stone film. I suppose this should be taken with a grain of salt if only because the entire film was based on the cultural toxic waste dump of my childhood: Southern California beach towns. These communities support culture only in the way a Petri dish does and in my opinion give every country that hates America a legitimate reason to do so. However, while that might have colored my perceptions somewhat I really tried to view the movie on it’s own merits and for the most part stand by my review. Worth seeing? Sure. The supporting characters alone make this movie watchable. Benicio Del Toro and John Travolta steal any scene they are in and make for a decent viewing experience. None of the camera work demands a large screen so feel free to NetFlix it. Date movie? Nope. Super violent, with some horrific scenes that had me cringing in my seat. Plus no real romance to latch on to and the female protagonist had all the plot bearing of a World of Warcraft quest item. Bathroom break? Pretty much any scene involving the main characters where they weren’t blowing stuff up. If I had to choose I would go for the second scene with the finance guy, where they are trying to interpret all the data Dennis gave them. Not a lot going on there.
Thanks for reading. I am home form Comic Con and am back into full on movie mode. I have tickets for the midnight showing of the new Dark Knight tomorrow night and am really excited. When I find the time I will write about my Comic Con experiences, although I didn’t see a lot that wasn’t right outside of my booth. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this movie or my review feel free to post it here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Who would win in a fight? Venom verses a full squad of Imperial Space Marines?
For those of you who don’t follow this sort of thing, Warhammer 40,000 just got their 6th Edition rulebook last week. In the world of miniatures this is kind of a huge event, and as a fan of the game and a huge fan of the 40K backstory I have been following it closely.
So I came up with this scenario and am wondering who would win. Space Marines are incredibly tough, with reflexes, strength, and training to put the hurt on almost anything. Furthermore, they are to a man encased in advanced battle armor and armed with very destructive weapons (bolters, for the most part). Finally, they would see the alien symbiote part of Venom as a xenos abomination and Eddie Brock as a heretic for consorting with xenos.
On the other hand, I honestly believe that Venom would be able to force itself in through the respirators of the power armor and choke to death or even spike the brains of the Marines inside. His ability to enhance Eddies already high strength makes him capable of throwing a Rhino around.
It would be close, and I think it boils down to equipment. If the Space Marine squad were armed with one or more flamers I think it would go badly for Venom. I’m going to give this one to the Marines.
The Venom face I got from Dave’s Marvel Comic t shirts by the way.
Jason
The Amazing Spider-Man Review
Can someone please explain to me why this movie was made?
I’m not saying it was bad (I’m also not saying it was good. Like so many movies lately it qualifies as entertaining and not a whole lot more). I’m just saying that the best term to use in describing this movie is unnecessary. It doesn’t add anything to the Spider-Man story as told by Sam Raime 10 years ago. It is a reboot, but not truly a reimagining. It doesn’t come up with anything new or exciting. That acting is not any better. The special effects are superior (after 10 years I would be shocked if they weren’t improved) but the action scenes are significantly less exciting or well shot. Overall it’s just another Spider-Man movie that will fade into the mishmash of other mediocre comic book movies like an Alka Seltzer tablet dropped into a toilet bowl.
(Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man image courtesy of the Marvel Comic T Shirt category)
It’s really hard to do a review about a franchise reboot without comparing it to the first film and since today is the 4th of July and I have a BBQ to get to I’m not even going to try. Honestly, this film, while better technologically, is not as good as the first Tobey MacGuire film. Sorry fan boys. There it is.
There are a few other words that could be used to describe this movie. I suppose I have to give them competent. The movie is competently made in the same way you expect your dentist to fill your cavity competently. You would be shocked if he was incompetent and drilled the wrong tooth, or slipped and drilled a hole into your brain. However, would you want to go to a tattoo artist who was merely competent? Obviously competence would be a requirement for a good tattoo artist, but I would want someone both creative and artistic, with the ability to come up with something amazing that I had not thought of myself. For a hallowed franchise such as Spider-Man competence is not enough. There are no glaring plot holes, bad direction, or bad acting. Just nothing mind blowing.
Another term I would use to describe this story is glossed over. Every aspect of the Spider-Man story felt rushed and glossed over. The spider bite? Glossed over. Remember how in the first one Peter Parker spent a lot of time trying to even figure out how to use his powers? They sort of did that here but rushed through it and kind of, well, glossed it over. Ben Parkers death and the dramatic effect it had on Peter Parker? Glossed over and hardly mentioned. Development of a villain to fight? Glossed over. The action scene were brief, glossed over, and felt included out of a sense of obligation rather than a desire to make an action film (I liken it to my mom forcing me to bring my little sister along to everything as a kid). Even the romance between Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy, which seemed to dominate the screen time, felt stunted and malnourished. Critical aspects of it was seriously glossed over. I hate myself for saying this, but I found myself missing Kirstin Dunst as Mary Jane Parker. At least she and Tobey MacGuire had some on screen chemistry and the romance was allowed to develop organically. Here the romance is shoved on the screen and we are told they love each other but not offered any real evidence. The movie feels like they took every minor story from the Spider-Man canon and trimmed off all the corners in order to fit them all into a single 136 minute film. The funny thing is Sam Raime did the same thing and managed to come up with a great movie. Here it all just feels rushed and abbreviated.
Another term I could use here is enhanced, and I don’t mean it in a good way. The only time they really did anything different from the Sam Raime version is in making Peter Parker a super stud even before the spider bite. One of the greatest thing about Spider-Man is Peter Parker was pretty much a mundane “every man” before gaining his powers. In this film instead of being an awkward nerd about to graduate high school he is a good looking, skateboard riding, fashionable, scientific genius, contacts wearing hipster-esque dreamboat. There is none of the “Peter Parker coming of age” development that so aided the first couple movies (emo Peter Parker in the last one kind of derailed that aspect pretty badly).
A final word I will use to describe this movie is predictable. I don’t think I need to explain it any further.
Anyway, I could go on but won’t. Here is the story: Peter Parker gets bit by a genetically enhanced spider. Now go rent the 2002 Spider Man and you are good to go. Substitute Dr. Curtis Conner for Norman Osborne, the Lizard for the Green Goblin, Gwen Stacy for Mary Jane (blond for red head, basically), and Police Captain Stacy for J. Johah Jamison. Add in some odd ball continuity issues (how is it Peter Parker’s dad’s glasses are exactly Peters prescription?) and cut out a lot of the cooler story aspect in order to make more room for awkward chemistry-less romance. Get rid of the huge sweeping camera shots that made Spider Man swinging through NYC so cool and instead use the camera quick cut editing that has plagued movies for the last five years for everything that even smells like action. Throw in a grandiose evil villain plot that makes little sense and you are done.
By the way, a few weeks ago I posted a discussion as to why TWOK is the best of the Star Trek movies that I think applies to this movie in comparing it to the Sam Raimi one. If you recall, in the first movie the Green Goblin was more or less motivated to keep his company from being sold out from under him and then to either recruit Spider Man or destroy him. There was a personal and believable motivation that worked extremely well in conjunction with a well developed villain. In this movie Dr. Conners seems to have no real motivation for what his sceme is, and instead of having an axe to grind with Spider Man he has some dumb plan to save humanity by destroying it. The scope of the story actually hurts itself. Movies are always better when there is a personal reason for the antagonist to go after the protagonist. As soon as you expand his (or her) animosity to include the faceless unwashed masses of humanity you stop caring. As an audience we need to connect with a character and care about what happens to him or her. There isn’t enough caring to be had for the entire population of New York City.
Another issue I had was something Jason brought up a while ago about Spider Man running around without his mask on. In the comics he was religious about always wearing the mask. He never, ever ran around in the suit without it, to the point that even as a zombie he always wore the mask and talked about how it reminded him of his humanity. In this movie he couldn’t find enough excuses to take off the mask while wearing the suit. It’s like someone filled it with itching powder.
Finally, there were some real inconsistencies with regards to Spider Man’s powers. Did he have spidey sense or not? Sometimes it seemed like he did, like when he had to dodge bullets fired from three feet away. Other times he couldn’t sense a bus coming at him. Can he cling to buildings or not? He seems to do it all the time but then at the end needs someone to save him and haul his ass up the side of a building. When you see it you will understand.
Sigh. The stars. Comic book movie. Two stars. I am a Spider Man fan and will give it a bonus star for that. One star. No real glaring plot holes. One star. In spite of the difficulty in generating chemistry, I thought almost all of the acting was pretty well done. One star. I am a huge Emma Stone fan (Crazy, Stupid Love, Zombieland, the Help). I wasn’t really digging her as a blond but still. One star. CGI and special effects were nigh flawless. One star. Overall I was generally entertained and felt I got my money’s worth. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Somehow not quite getting the story right IMO. One black hole. Very limited action, and what action there was felt purposefully shortened and rushed through. One black hole. The whole “glossing over” of so much of the canon. One black hole. Peter Parker as the cool kid. One black hole. It feels weird calling a movie derivative when it pretty much clones the original. I guess I will have to say I am awarding a black hole for lack of imagination or vision. One black hole. Finally, one more for creating a totally unnecessary film. This is basically the appendix of movies. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of three stars, which in my mind is a terrible score for a comic book movie. The Avengers scored a total of nine stars, and in my opinion is pretty much exactly three times as good. I still want to see the Avengers a second time, and honestly would not see this one again. Should you see it once? Sure, why not? It’s not bad, and you will probably enjoy it. However, a year from now it will have faded into the background. Overall it seems made more for kids that adults, and the kids in the audience seemed to love it (especially the little rug rat next to me who spilled his drink all over the floor, ruining my popcorn and more or less screaming through the first 30 minutes of the film until his dad had to take him out. Kids are generally cool, but parents generally suck). See it on a big screen, and honestly this is one of the few movies I am going to recommend you see in 3D. Seems like most of the action was designed to go better in 3D. Date movie? I supposed. This is another one that will neither enhance nor inhibit your campaign to get her into bed with you. Bathroom break? Dead easy. The dinner scene with Peter, Gwen, and her family is 100% worthless filler. The first time you see Peter Parker tap on Gwen’s window feel free to cut out, use the restroom, check your email, make a couple phone calls, and chat with the theater manager for five minutes.
By the way, during the course of writing this review I found out an answer to my original question as to why they made this film. Turns out the Sony license for Spider Man requires them to produce a movie in a timely manner or else it reverts back to Marvel (Disney). They had to rush something out and opted to go with mediocre rather than good. Too bad.
Thanks for reading, and I’m truly sorry I couldn’t gush about this movie a little more. It’s not bad. It’s just not great. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.com. I don’t know if I am going to have time to see a lot of films this week as I am getting ready for Comic Con. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions email me at [email protected]. Have a great 4th of July! Talk to you soon.
Dave
Ted Movie Review
Pretty damned funny.
As a fan of Family Guy and American Dad I have to say I was expecting to laugh at this movie and was not disappointed. Seth MacFarlane is a comedic genius. However, his genius is definitely more of the idiot savant variety in that he seems incapably of doing anything other than Family Guy and it’s clones, of which this movie is definitely one. While not as completely derivative as American Dad is (pretty much the same show with moderately different characters IMO) the humor in Ted is more or less lifted straight from the writers room for Family Guy.
What does this mean for this movie? Basically if you are a fan of Family Guy you will love this movie, and if you are not you might as well stay home and watch Law and Order reruns. Fortunately I and almost all my friends are fans so we enjoyed it.
There are a few problems I am having with the film however. The first is the same issue I have with any of the Transformers movie: too much humans, not enough robots (or in this case teddy bear). In this movie every scene with Ted in it was hilarious and engrossing, and every scene with just the humans boring and drag-tastic. I thought Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis did a fine job with the roles they were handed, but the comedic focus was so on Ted that in comparison a scene without him was like watching a 2nd grade play performed by the children of complete strangers. The story and dialog outside of Ted was tenuous and flaccid at best, and without his lines and actions pushing the plot there were parts where I was in serious danger of dozing off.
The other issue I had I blame on the marketing team behind this movie. All the best lines and jokes from the movie I had already heard about 20 times in assorted trailers and radio commercials. In fact, if you have seen more than a couple trailers odds are you know exactly the plot, characters, and best jokes.
All that being said, the movie is indeed super funny and entertaining. Mark Wahlberg managed to generate a stronger buddy chemistry with Ted than I have seen from a lot of movies featuring actual human actors. Mila Kunis is shockingly easy to look at and plays the offended girlfriend very well. There were a couple other characters who really only served to push the story along, but they were kind of funny too. The dialog (with Ted involved) is fast, clever, outrageous, offensive, and above all hilarious.
The story. As a boy John (Mark Wahlberg-Boogie Nights, Contraband, the Fighter) wished his teddy bear to life and it actually happened. Fast forward to adulthood and John now has a dead end loser job at a car rental place and Ted sits on his couch smoking pot, drinking alcohol, and regularly consorting with prostitutes. In spite of the fact that he is a class one stoner loser John has the hottest girlfriend in the history of the XX chromosome Lori (Mila Kunis-Black Swan, Friends with Benefits, the voice of Meg on Family Guy. P.S. Mila I love you). They all live together until Lori comes home to find her apartment overrun with prostitutes who have performed a number of unsavory acts on the premises. She drops the ultimatum hammer on John who caves (as any guy should when faced with Mila). They set up Ted with an apartment and a job, where he meets his new girlfriend. Meanwhile Ted is being stalked by a couple of creepy white trash fans (Giovanni Ribisi-Saving Private Ryan, Contraband, Avatar and Aedin Mincks-the Hangover Part II, Faster) who later actually give the plot some points to hang onto.
Honestly, the entire plot serves only as a platform upon which Ted can deliver his offensive, obscene, scatological, sacrilegious, and above all funny lines and actions. It moves along like the sober driver of a party bus while the frat boys in the back drink, fart, laugh, puke, and moon cars out the window.
The stars. Honestly very funny. I mean hurt-your-stomach-laughing funny. Two stars. The dialog and jokes were all extremely clever and well written. Two stars. Excellent dialog. One star. The CGI for Ted was pretty flawless. One star. I’m going to give Mark Wahlberg extra props for his ability to act without an actual character to interact with. The fight scene was particularly good (and funny). One star. 
If I had to spend the rest of my life locked in a chair with my eyes clamped open a Clockwork Orange style and had to look at one face forever, I would choose Mila Kunis. One star. (Alex image courtesy of the Movie T Shirts category) I will give acting props to both Mark and Mila for their interaction and dialog with Ted. Excellent chemistry, although their Ted-less scenes were less than riveting. One star. Somehow, in spite of the fact that all the jokes and humor came from the “rated R just to be rated R” school that I have railed against in movies like the Change Up, I found the humor to be really well done. I guess fart and excrement humor can be funny if it it done right. One star. Total: 10 stars.
The black holes. Scenes without Ted really kind of sucked. Like having to eat boiled spinach in between bites of delicious pasta. One black hole. Pacing was inconsistent. Sometimes the story dragged, other times it accelerated to warp speed. One black hole. The entirety of the plot was nothing more than a framework for Ted to deliver one liners. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of seven stars, and my hearty endorsement of seeing this film. I think you will enjoy it a lot. It is nice to finally come across a movie I can say go see after the never ending deluge of mediocrity that has been the last few months of movies. Date movie? God no. Unless you are in a committed relationship and have already seen her naked on three or more different occasions this movie will c-block you like having her ex boyfriend turn out to be the waiter at dinner. See it with your drinking buddies. Bathroom break? That’s easy. There is a scene where John and Lori go to dinner and discuss their feelings and what to do about Ted that is 100% worthless. Nothing is revealed that will in any way contribute to your enjoyment of the movie.
Thanks for reading. This movie was fun. I’m seeing the Amazing Spider Man later today and will probably write it up tonight. I would have seen it this last weekend but was busy getting pissed off at a Warhammer tournament. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have any comments on this film or review feel free to post them here. If you have any off topic questions or comments email me at [email protected]. Have a great day.
Dave
A follow up annoying question from Star Wars
This is kind of an addendum to the question that came up yesterday about the fact that hiding a kid from his father while giving him the very distinctive last name of Skywalker is kind of dumb. I was thinking about it last night and came up with another related question.
As everyone knows Luke grew up with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. In Episode 2 they are introduced as the step son and girlfriend of the Virgin Mary Skywalker. However, they did not have the last name of Skywalker. If they were going to adopt Luke why would the not just give him whatever their last name was? Couldn’t they have dropped the whole aunt and uncle thing and just claimed he was their son? It might have saved them a lot of trouble in the form of a screaming, burning skeleton death. Leia’s adopted parents did so, so you can’t say there was some kind of galactic cultural imperative to keep all last names in order.
Also, ever wonder how most blaster wounds just burn a circle in a guys chest but somehow Owen and Beru were incinerated? Were the Stormtroopers carrying flamethrowers?
The Millennium Falcon shot I got from yet another of Dave’s Star Wars t shirts.
Jason
An annoying question from Star Wars
Dave hates this kind of question because it impugns his precious episodes 4-6 not just his reviled 1-3. Here is a question that has been bothering me for a long time:
Darth Vader’s original surname was Skywalker. He knows he had kids at some point. If Yoda and Obi Wan wanted to keep the kids hidden from Darth why did Luke grow up with the surname of Skywalker? Is it really smart to hide a kid in a way that a modest Google search would uncover him? I mean, even if I didn’t believe my kids were alive I think I might Google my own name once in a while just to see what pops up. Dave has a service on Google that alerts him every time his business or this blog pops up somewhere. If I were a powerful Jedi and knew that my relatives were possibly strong with the force I think I might have that service set up for the name “Skywalker” just in case some long lost cousin surfaced that I could potentially recruit.
Dave’s already pissed. These things bug him a lot. The image I got from his massive Star Wars tshirt collection. What a nerd.
Jason
The Curse of Ryan Reynolds continues to plague the nerd world.
When is Hollywood going to stop trying to reinvent Ryan Reynolds as something other than a sleazy party frat boy? He seems destined to fail as any role that isn’t Van Wilder, yet they seem to keep throwing him choice roles.
What undeserved role has he been handed this time? None other than one of my personal favorites, Highlander. Yes, they are taking a near perfect movie and remaking it with an actor who once stared in a movie that featured a baby excreting into daddies mouth. While I’ll give him Deadpool as he played it in the bad Wolverine movie, this is just dumb. Can he really do a Scottish accent? Will he grow out his hair? Can he go five minutes without smirking at the camera or nailing the nearest slut?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong on this and he will surprise me. I thought he was decent in Safe House, now that I think about it. Maybe he can do something decent. It’s just that based on his performance in Green Lantern I kind of doubt it.
The pillage shirt I think is really funny. I found it in Dave’s funny t shirt collection, unsurprisingly enough.
Jason
Brave Movie Review
Anyway, Brave. If this were a stand alone Disney movie I would have to call it brilliant. As a Pixar film I’m going to have to call it mediocre. Still entertaining, but just not to the standard that I have become accustomed to.
Have you ever known a couple who start dating, move in together, and over the course of time end up looking, dressing, and sounding exactly like each other? This seems to be what is happening with the marriage of Disney and Pixar, except in this case it is Pixar, like the subservient personality in the relationship, that is evolving into Disney, not so much the other way around. 
This film definitely has a Disney flavor to it, and I for one feels this bodes ill for Marvel laboring under the thumb of Disney. Of course, the Avengers was amazing so maybe I don’t have to worry so much. (Marvel Comics Con image courtesy of the Marvel Comic T Shirt category)
Let’s see if any of this sounds familiar to any of you Disney fans out there: a young princess is being cajoled into something she doesn’t want to do by her parents and wants to rebel. She meets a witch who gives her a spell that goes horrible awry and has to spend the rest of the film dealing with the consequences and trying to fix it. This is where I get disappointed in Pixar. I expect them to come out with some thing clever and original, not something so formulaic and Disney cookie cutter.
Not to say it wasn’t fun or entertaining. (some modest spoilers incoming so if you want to miss them skip ahead a couple paragraphs) The story is of young Merida, a Scottish princess and tom boy who loves archery and horseback riding. She is the darling of her giant father the king, Fergus, who lost his leg to a terrifying bear Mordu, and the constant headache for her uptight mother Elinor. She has three young triplet brothers who are total scamps.
Anyway, her mother wants her to marry one of the sons of the three clan heads. She doesn’t want to get married (and given that she is like 14 in this movie I can’t really blame her) and causes all kinds of trouble. She wanders into to forest and finds a witch who gives her a spell to cast on her mother to change her. Her mother gets turned into a giant bear and it is up to Merida to keep her hidden from her father (who is known as the “Bear King” and kills all bears on sight) while trying to figure out how to reverse the spell. Scottish highlander hijinks ensues.
As I do with pretty much all kids movies I will forgo my normal star/black hole rating system. I generally judge them on how the kids in the audience reacts, and in this case they were enjoying the hell out of it. Lots of cute action, bright colors, and funny Scottish accents.
The animation was as amazing as I have ever seen. When you see it I invite you to pay particular attention to the animation of Merida’s horse Angus. It is unreal how cool and real it is, while still being a cartoon. The story is linear and simple enough for kids, but the characters and dialog are entertaining enough to engage an adult. Overall a very good movie. If I were to pick one thing to complain about it’s in calling the movie “Brave”. While no one in the film acts in a cowardly manner I didn’t see anything I would consider examples of extreme bravery. Normally if you call a movie Brave it’s because you want to impart some important lesson about bravery. Maybe a young warrior froze up on his first battlefield and has to face the demon of perhaps being a coward. I didn’t see Merida do a lot that would be considered excessively brave, and her father seemed brave enough when backed up by 200 of his clansmen. The title of this film feels like a final comprise among producers after a long debate. I’d be willing to bet the original working title was something like “Merida” until they realized it was pretty much exactly like Mulan.
So should you see this film? Absolutely. Bring the kids if you have them, or see it with some adults at a late showing. You will not be disappointed unless you are a hard core Monsters Inc. fan. Date movie? Are you kidding? This film was made to be a date movie. If this doesn’t get her blood pumping plug her into a power outlet as her robot battery needs recharging. Bathroom break? Honestly this is one of those movies where it is hard to find a dead space. No one scene is really critical, but they are all entertaining and add to the story. If I a gun to my head (or, more relevantly, a bursting bladder) I would probably say the scene where Merida teaches her mother how to fish. It drags on a while, and while entertaining is not really a critical element to the script. Plus, if you didn’t have to use the restroom before seeing all that splashing water will probably make it a priority, if you know what I mean.
Thanks for reading. Please vote for me in that contest. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Any off topic questions or comments email to [email protected]. I am getting super busy in the next two weeks getting ready for Comic Con and the biggest Warhammer tournament of the year for so I might be cutting back on movie reviews for a little while. I will probably see Ted this weekend and if I can find the time and stomach for it Magic Mike, although my early warning suck radar is blaring on that one. Today I’m off the Sacramento, party capitol of the Central Valley. Have a great day.
Dave
Kiss “Monster Book” sells for $3,500???
Another post that Dave will be bummed about because it is not nerd specific, but I like to think of this blog as a commentary on American culture in general. I just read that Kiss, the band with the make up, is selling a new book for $3,500 pre sale and $4,300 if you don’t pre order.
As this deck of Kiss playing cards I found in Dave’s music t shirt collection clearly indicates Kiss is not a band that is afraid of merchandising itself. In fact, I think it could be fairly said that Kiss is not afraid to sell anything and everything in order to make a fast buck. I honestly think if there were a way Gene Simmons could get away with it he would take his Kiss Army fans and sell their organs on the black market.
I thought this tendency to whore themselves out had reached it’s climax when they came out with the Kiss coffin, but this book of theirs reaches a new low. It is huge, however, and seems to be almost exclusively pictures. I think this fair since anyone willing to cough up this much cash on something so worthless probably can’t read anyway.
I’m not saying the book isn’t cool. Just that you really have to ask yourself how much does Kiss really care for their fans if this is the level of fleecing they are willing to get to.
Jason
Rock of Ages Review
Conclusive proof that karaoke can only be enjoyed while drunk off your ass.
I saw this train wreck last night and truly regretted it. This is another movie that is going to suffer deeply for my personal bias and dislike of the 80’s and hair bands. Sorry about that, and if you are a fan of the most culturally bleak decade of American history maybe take this review with a grain of salt.
1987 holds a special place in my heart. You see, that was the year I escaped the most desolate, horrible four years of my life, high school. However, that was basically a few days of feeling good as compared to 10 years of big hair hell. I can honestly say I am a fan of a lot of 80’s music. However, this movie seemed to specifically target exactly the music and bands I hated with a thermonuclear passion back then, and time has not softened my perception. Ballad bands like Journey, Guns n’ Roses, Foreigner, Pat Benatar, Jefferson Starship, Night Ranger, Quarterflash, Europe, and Poison were to me the musical equivalent of the packing Styrofoam your stereo came in, and that was when it was done competently by the actual artists. When it’s done by some auto tune actor with a soulless studio band backing him or her up it just gets painful.
This movie seems to have a misconception as to what hard core rock and roll really is. The main “plot point” of this film has to do with a local Tipper Gore type protesting against the evils of rock music. 
However, having her protest against the evils of Night Ranger is like the local church group protesting the art theater for showing Gone with the Wind with the word “damn” not edited out. It just has no gravitas (Gone with the Wind image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Also, having everyone in the movie talk about how hard core “rock n’ roll” they are only to break into an REO Speedwagon song is truly laughable.
This movie is like a birthday cake designed by a five year old. About 1/4 of an inch of actual cake topped with 5 inches of frosting. In this case the cake is the plot and the frosting all the musical numbers. Every bit of this film screams “self indulgent tripe”. The director Adam Shankman (Hairspray, a Walk to Remember, Bedtime Stories) obviously wishes he were directing music videos and therefore finds every tenuously flimsy excuse to stick another song and/or dance number in, usually as a mashup and usually about as pleasant as dropping a bowling ball into your lap. It’s literally like watching karaoke; well produced karaoke, but karaoke nevertheless.
Somehow, in spite of the move literally being 60% or more musical numbers, the plot seems weighty and ploddish. The run time is 123 minutes and you feel every one of them. The story is trite and cliche, the acting for the most part is stiff and dry, and the visuals make you wish you were watching autopsy videos. The movie seems to be a celebration of bad casting: Tom Cruise does not feel like a stoner rock god (sorry but every time I saw him I couldn’t help but think “There goes Jerry MacGuire with long hair), Catherine Zeta Jones does not feel like an uptight church lady, Alec Baldwin does not feel like a burned out creepy rock guy, and the two kids to not feel like human beings, much less rock and rollers. The only characters that felt right for their roles were Russell Brand as the sleazy British guy and Paul Giamatti as the sleazy agent, but that was more happy coincidence based on the fact that they both seem naturally sleazy in their own way.
All that being said, in spite of the poor casting a number of the stars actually do a really good job with the rolls they have all been handed. Tom Cruise inhabits his role as Stacey Jaxx and gives it a steller but one dimensional performance. Alec Baldwin does as well as he can with his club owner role. I am not a fan of Russell Brand (his natural greasiness, both physical and personality, feels a lot like the kind of toe jam you get after stepping in an open sewer and then walking for a few miles. Don’t ask me how I know about that) but he is well cast and he and Alec Baldwin have the best timing, chemistry, and repartee of the film. They certainly have more chemistry than the two straight love interest couples. However, I think the few good performances in the film are more a reflection of the talent of the individual performers rather than any inspiration lent to them by a qualified director.
I secretly don’t even want to go into the story. It centers around the world famous Whiskey a Go Go-sorry, the Bourbon Room-on the Fabulous Sunset Strip (incidentally, in my youth I have spent many a lost weekend at the Whiskey. I will say the movie more or less got the atmosphere of the club right, but the demographic of the bands and audience wrong. Think X more than White Snake) and the people who work and perform there. A young girl (Julianne Hough-Footloose, Burlesque) travels to Hollywood from Oklahoma to be a star. She gets mugged but then meets a pretty boy bar back from the Bourbon Room (Diego Boneta-90210, Pretty Little Liars, Mean Girls 2) who gets her a job there. Meanwhile the club is failing miserably unless the owner (Alec Baldwin-30 Rock, the Hunt for Red October, Words with Friends on a Plane) and manager (Russell Brand-Arthur, Get Him to the Greek, Forgetting Sarah Marshall) can get some money together. They have a big gig with the famous Stacey Jaxx (Tom Cruise-Minority Report, Top Gun, Mission Impossible) that should help with their issues. Jaxx is being interviewed by a hot Rolling Stone reporter (Malin Akerman-the Watchmen(Silk Specter 2), the Proposal, the Heartbreak Kid) whom he seduces in one of the stupider PG-13 sex scenes I have seen. Meanwhile the two kids fall in love, the guy starts his music career, and Paul Giamatti (Saving Private Ryan, the Illusionist, Cinderella Man) plays everyone’s sleazy agent.
The stars. Tom Cruise and a few others were entertaining, if extremely one dimensional. One star. There was some tongue-in-cheek humor poking fun at the now defunct music industry (at this point it’s about as relevant as making jokes about Prohibition laws, but whatever) that was decently funny. One star. There wasn’t a girl in this movie who wasn’t super young and hot. One star. I thought the Russell Brand/Alec Baldwin interaction was actually really good, and wouldn’t mind seeing them in a buddy film. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Oh god the never ending musical numbers. It was like being trapped in the elevator to Hell. Two black holes. The story was stunted and underdeveloped yet at the same time weighty and domineering. I still don’t know how they did that. It was like swallowing the worlds largest plantain whole. Two black holes. With the exception of Tom Cruize and a few others I mentioned, a lot of the acting was mediocre. One black hole. A movie about rock n’ roll that features PG-13 sex, no drugs, and actually very little in the way of rock n’ roll. Whitesnake =/= hard core rock. One black hole. The pacing dragged on so long this movie should be visible from space. One black hole. The use of cover music, mediocre dance routines, and minimal story elements linking them together made this film feel like I was watching 123 minutes of Scion and tampon commercials. One black hole. While I know the choices of music used in this film is subjective and others out there might actually have an appreciation of Quarterflash, I would like to point out that two of the songs they chose (We Built This City and the Final Countdown) were voted as the #1 and 2 worst songs of the 80’s in a readers poll in Rolling Stone. Two black holes. There was a mashup at the end featuring Russel Brand and Catherine Zeta-Jones that I am going to give a bonus black hole to for being particularly excruciating. One black hole. A strip club without nudity (PG-13 a go go). One black hole. Total: 12 black holes.
A grand total of 8 black holes. About as bad as I expected, although I honestly expected to hate Tom Cruise’s character a lot more. It was surprising. Is there anything in here worth seeing? Maybe, if you are a huge Glee fan and want to see a worse version of it. Or perhaps you think the one thing missing from your life is a Twisted Sister/Jefferson Starship mashup. If you think you should go because you are a Cruise or Baldwin fan save yourself the pain. You will actually lose respect for your favorite actor if you see this. Date movie? Perhaps for the right girl, but honestly the girl that enjoys this probably has a collection of human skins in the tool shed out back. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, and if you are like me after the first 10 minutes you will be almost overwhelmed by the desire to relieve yourself all over the theater floor or perhaps the film projector, but if I had to isolate a particularly worthless moment I would say any of the scenes involving the mayor of Los Angeles (sorry Bryan Cranston. I love you in Breaking Bad but this film is not your ticket out of television).
Another long review. Thanks for reading. Please, if you haven’t by the time you get to the end here go back to the top of this review and vote for my business for the grant. I really appreciate it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment about this movie or review feel free to leave it here. Any off topic comments or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. More movies coming soon. I might even bite the bullet (as it passes into my brainpan) and see That’s My Boy. Talk to you soon.
Dave
