Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Review
Entertaining, but if you read the book you might have an axe to grind with this adaptation.
Sorry I couldn’t resist it. The fact is I have been looking forward to this movie for a while, and during the last few months getting annoyed at fellow movie audience members who laughed at the trailers. Unfortunately they were for the most part correct to laugh as a lot of this movie was fairly comical in it’s need to suspend disbelief. However, if you can raise that disbelief to airline cruising altitude there is a lot worth watching here.
I read the book two weeks ago on my flight to Italy and enjoyed it a great deal. It tells of the secret life of Abraham Lincoln and his quest to rid America of the bloodsucking scourge of vampires. It was very clever and well done, with the vampire elements integrated into a broader story making for a cool, innovative retelling of his life while remaining grounded as much as possible in the actual events from American history. The action seemed realistic, with Lincoln developing his vampire hunting skills over a lifetime and coming up with many clever tools and tricks to make up for his human frailties and the strength and quickness of the vampires.
Tragically this movie took all that, wadded it into a ball, and tossed it into the nearest garbage bin. The story is devolved into the simplest of vampire stories, Abe himself is turned into a male Buffy the Vampire slayer with the speed, skill, strength, and reaction time of ten men, and no attempt is made at all to link the story to the historical events. (Buffy staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie t shirt category)
However, the question that can easily be asked at this point is “What were you expecting, Dave?” Hollywood has shown little to no interest in creating clever, interesting stories or perhaps improving upon the general knowledge of the unwashed masses they cater to so why should this movie be an exception? The fact is if you put the words “vampire” and “hunter” (slayer) in the same sentence the Brownian mentality of the movie going population immediately thinks of Buffy, so you might as well use it as your source material.
I will give massive props to this movie (and the book) for portraying vampires as they should be; arrogant, evil bloodsucking bastards who should be exterminated without mercy. The ugly trend towards pretty, “nice” romantic vampires that started with Interview with a Vampire and continues to plague us with the whole Twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga) has to be stopped somehow. While these vampires managed to not burst into flame in the sun, at least they made concessions towards the fact that the sun hurts them.
The major thing that burdens this movie more than any other is the mind numbing ridiculousness of a lot of the action. I understand the need for suspension of disbelief, but the action sequences here becomes literally laughable. The action also has the problem of obscuring the action. Quick cuts and jumbled scenes of people dressed in similar colors turns a lot of the action sequences into a kaleidoscope-like morass of brown and black shapes. Very hard to follow. Multiple times I found myself asking “What the hell just happened?”, which is rarely a good thing for a movie.
The story is of course of Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker-Flags of Our Fathers, War Boys, Kinsey) and his secret life as a vampire hunter. He starts young with the death of his mother at the fangs of a vampire. When he turns into a young man he goes after the vamp who did it but gets his ass more or less kicked. He is rescued by Henry (Dominic Cooper-Captain America-the First Avenger, the Duchess, an Education), who trains him to fight vampires. Abe takes the axe as his weapon of choice and turns into a samurai warrior with it. He goes out killing vampires at the bequest of Henry and meets his wife Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead-the Thing, Scott Pilgrim vrs the World, Final Destination 3). He dedicates his life to destroying vampires by removing their easiest food source, slaves. Eventually he ends up as president and has to fight against the South, who are aided and abetted by the vampires.
The stars. Very cool concept. One star. I thought Dominic Cooper was pretty good as Honest Abe. One star. Evil vampires. One star. The period scenery was very good and accurate. One star. I loved the book. One star. Pacing was good. One star. Generally entertaining as long as you can dumb your brain down a bit. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. They took a cool, subtle story with strong ties to actual history and dumbed it down to a cheesy Hollywood action movie. One black hole. They also PC’d the hell out of it. In the book the slavery issue, while important, was only one piece of a much bigger story. In this one it was the end all and be all of the movie. They also forced in a black supporting character who looked and felt like they crowbarred him in for political correctness. One black hole. The action, which for most of the movie was kind of dopey, fell off the Great Dopey Cliff into Never Ending Valley of Stupidity towards the end (the train ride was really, really dumb). One black hole. Speaking of crowbarring, the managed to shove in Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad for no apparent reason other than to try to look more correct. It all felt awkwardly out of place and had nothing to do with the book or history. One black hole. The movie in general suffered from the problem of trying to fit an entire lifetime of vampire hunting and politicking (which was all well done in the book) into 105 minutes, and honestly it felt like you were watching a 4 hour movie but skipping ahead by five minute increments periodically. One black hole. At some point you have to ask yourself does the President of the United States not have soldiers and guards he could call on, or does he really have to play security guard more or less solo on a train? One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Sigh. Only two stars total, and to be honest I was being kind on a few of them. Another movie I really wanted to be better. It’s not terrible. In fact, it’s entirely worth watching on a big screen and looks like it would even benefit from 3D. It’s just that based on the source material I think it could have been much better. Almost to the point of being a classic. Instead it’s just another Tim Burton movie (think Sleepy Hollow). Date movie? Meh. You won’t lose anything on this but there is nothing in here terrifying, surprising, or interesting enough to really turn a girl on IMO. Bathroom break? The whole Lincoln/Mary romance could be missed without losing anything. The formal dance where they start to fall in love is an excellent place to void your fluids.
Thanks for reading. I am going to go see Rock of Ages later tonight, so have pity on me. It should really suck. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this movie or review here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected].
Thanks again. Have a great night, and look for a review on that rock movie tomorrow.
Dave
Lego movie incoming?
Dave did a little weird happy dance when I told him about this rumor. He really is a dork. Apparently Warner Bros wants to make a CGI animated movie based on Lego toys.
I’m torn on this. On the one hand, kids of all ages and dorks like Dave will probably enjoy it quite a bit. On the other hand, Lego has toys, video games, t-shirts, telephones, keyboards, and pretty much anything else you can use to fleece your fan base. They are effectively the Kiss of the toy world. Do they really need to make a movie?
I also kind of expect the lengths they will go to to include every aspect of the Lego universe will get annoying after a while. Also, will this movie be about Lego toys that run around like Toy Story, or will it be a world adventure where all the characters happen to be Legos? In other words, is it going to be derivative or just lame?
Dave is threatening to throw stuff at me so I will wrap it up quick. This image from Dave’s Starwars trilogy t shirts was the best I could find for a Lego image. You would think he would stock more Lego stuff given he has been collecting them since he was three and will talk about his collection forever at the drop of a hat.
Jason
Bieber Fever is finally starting to abate.
Dave wants me to stay focused on nerd specific stuff like comic books and video games, but I happen to have a burning hatred of Justin Bieber that I think most nerds would share and therefore feel like this belongs on this forum. The fact is Justin did a TV show last night that came in with a very low 0.9 rating and was beaten by something called Dogs in the City, a show about dogs and a city of some kind. Simultaneously his new album is tanking pretty hard too.
All this puts a big grin on my face. Is it possible that America is finally starting to figure out what a worthless twat he really is and how completely lacking in anything resembling content or worth his “music” is? This is like the end of the Wizard of Oz when Toto pulls the curtain aside revealing that the great an powerful Oz is really a dopey little man who can’t navigate his hot air balloon.
Of course the problem is as Bieber follows the Jonas Bros into mediocrity it only opens the door for the next lame hipster pretty boy. I sincerely hope the teenage population can keep from falling in love with a guy who should really be working at a Hot Dog on a Stick stand, but I kind of doubt it.
Jason
P.S. Hate spam me all you want. Part of the deal I worked out with Dave is he gets to handle all the negative responses to my posts. This Die Hipster Scum picture I found in his cheap t shirt collection. I think I need to get one for myself.
Prometheus Movie Review
Whether you were hoping to see an Alien prequel that answered a lot of the mysteries or an intriguing stand alone sci fi effort, prepare to be disappointed.
I think it fair to say that Alien and Aliens holds a special place in my heart, and that place is a deep dark cave of mind numbing pants wetting terror. Alien did serious damage to my ten year old psyche, and Aliens beat it home like kicking a guy in the stomach after he collapses on the ground. To this day I can’t think of a more horrible way to die than to have some alien parasite hug your face, implant eggs in your body, and have a horrific creature come tearing out of your chest (unless it would be being tied down and forced to watch Jack and Jill a second time (Clockwork Orange style) until my brain dribbled out of my ears).
Therefore, as a fan of movies that elicit an emotional reaction (and science fiction) I naturally love both movies intensely (Alien image courtesy of the Sci Fi T Shirts). When I first saw the trailers for Prometheus I was very interested. Then I saw the same trailer at ever movie showing and online opportunity possible (I really think they oversold this film). The burning question on my mind was “What the hell is this movie about?”
Is an Alien prequel or not? The answer, unfortunately, is sort of. I think this is a good example of Ridley Scott and the studio getting greedy and trying to grab too many berries for their hands to hold. By the end of the film they are dropping them all over the ground. This film has a lot of prequel elements: the alien ship is the same, the humanoid aliens are (sort of) the same, there seems to be something about large vases that vaguely resembles the Alien eggs, there is a Weyland Corporation (clearly a nod towards the Weyland Yutani Corp from Alien), and there seems to be some kind of face sucking action going on. However, in an attempt to appeal to both the Alien fan boys and the rest of the unwashed masses (who either don’t care about Alien or were turned off by Alien Resurrection or Alien versus Predator) they added a bunch of dumb elements and major continuity issues, which are really off enough to really annoy the fan boys. There are no actual Alien aliens and the aliens that do appear really don’t look at all scary, except for one Cthulu monster.
Apparently Ridley Scott is a huge fan if both Chariots of the Gods and (the horrible, IMO) Tree of Life because those are the Spackle he used to fill in the terror parts that were completely missing from this film. And like Spackle, they are all pretty beige, boring, and hard to remove. There is something about alien humanoid starting life on earth thousands of years ago by committing suicide so DNA could be entered into the primordial ooze of the earth, and then cave drawings of giant aliens worshiping six dots in the sky.
Let me take a minute to bore you all with how bad the science of this really is. First of all, the the DNA infusion would have had to have happened billions, not thousands of years ago. At one point everyone is stunned that the aliens are effectively human DNA, in spite of the fact that on Earth the DNA in question would have started off as like fish and reptiles and so on, so the odds of the original DNA returning to human is pretty low. Second of all, at one point it looks like the aliens were headed to Earth to do something about 2,000 years ago but had been visiting us for at least 35,000 years. Did they just stop because one or two ships failed to make it?
These are two examples of the astronomical number of plot holes that riddle the script like a Sparklets jug used for shotgun target practice. I often talk about a movie chuck full of holes, but this movie seems to not even care. However, all the the plot holes pale to insignificance when faced with the abysmal stupidity of pretty much every one of the character and the complete lack of motivation by any of them to do anything. There are a couple who stand out in particular for no reason (survival tip #1-if you are trapped over night in a hollowed out mountain filled with grim examples of aliens dying a horrible death try just camping out near the entrance, NOT wandering around looking for your impending death. Also, if you spend 20 minutes jumping at every shadow and worried about how all the aliens died when you are actually confronted with a live alien don’t have a sudden change of heart and try to give it a hug) but pretty much everyone in this movie is dumber than a sack of hammers and we are given not a single reason to understand why they continue breathing, much less joined up on the ship.
I think the stupid, stupid choices every character keeps making is really where all the terror has gone missing. You see, in a good horror movie you feel for characters you identify with. It’s called empathy. You can feel like what is happening to them could happen to you because you like to think you are like them. The thing that made Alien and Aliens so terrifying is Ripley was a very easy character to identify with. Tough, sexy, and above all smart (if you recall her first plan in Aliens was to bail on the planet and nuke the site from orbit). However, if the characters in a film keep doing stupid stuff you can’t identify with them and therefore don’t care when bad stuff happens. In fact, after a while you start to hope bad stuff happens to them just to get them out of your face. It’s like watching a guy lick exposed wiring. You expect him to get electrocuted, and after he does you say “well, he deserved it for being stupid”.
Sigh. 1029 words and I haven’t even gotten into the story yet. I’ll do the short hand version. Aliens created life on Earth. Two archeologist discover cave paintings that lead them to some random planet where they think they came from. They find a buried ship and a bunch of dead aliens. An android with them has his own agenda. Two particularly dumb scientists (for lack of a better term. One of them looked like he just did a dime in San Quentin and the other looked like he ran the concession stand at the local bowling alley) wander off and get chewed on. It turns out the aliens are not the Care Bears everyone assumed they were. Stupid people die in stupid ways. Charlize Theron runs around looking super hot. One archeologist face melts and the other gives herself a Cesarian after discovering she is pregnant with baby Aphoom-Zhah. A really dumb ending is pulled out of an unnamed orifice and simultaneously ruins the last remaining shred of continuity to Alien.
The stars. I will say visually this movie was stunning. CGI and special effects were outstanding, and if you life sci fi brain candy it rocks. Two stars. Acting was actually really good, as long as it was acting stupid. One star. Charlize Theron was looking hot in her skin tight uniform, and Naomi Rapace in her underwear. One star. Science fiction movie. One star. Alien prequel (sort of). One star. Pacing and editing were decent. One star. If you are OK with stupid characters and a story that is built on plot holes, it can be entertaining. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Stupid, stupid characters (like worse than the dumbest teenage slasher flick). Two black holes. Zero motivation for anything. One black hole. Plot holes that operate like Bags of Holding (bigger on the inside). Two black holes. Is it a freaking prequel or not? I can’t stand fence sitters. One black hole. There were a lot of things and potential character development introduced and then dropped entirely, like some kind of small back story on the death of the archeologists dad and the android watching her dreams in cryo, that got dropped. I don’t think all that missing character development got cut in editing. It really feels like they didn’t bother to shoot it. One black hole. If it is meant as a prequel it suffers from severe continuity problems, and if it is not a prequel than the entire movie really lacks any kind of purpose or real import. One black hole. Some pretty mediocre casting. Why would a trillion dollar project (that’s actually the amount quoted in the film) hire a “scientist” who looks like the roadie from the Sex Pistols? One black hole. No horror in this film. None of the aliens really had that Giger visceral terror. Also, one of the things that made the Alien movies so scary was the build up, but this thing jumped right into pretty much everything. One black hole. Like most bad slasher films you can pretty much predict who is going to live and who is going to die, with the added benefit that due to the loose association this movie had with the Alien movies you pretty much know exactly how it’s going to end. One black hole. And finally, a really dumb ending that had me just closing my eyes and resting my head back in my seat. One black hole. Total: twelve black holes.
A grand total of three black holes. Very disappointing in my opinion. I think this movie actually is suffering from too much marketing as I had high expectations going in. I have taken a look at other reviews on this and am not really in line with a lot of them, but I think my opinion is colored by my own fan boy status. Worth seeing? Sure, I guess. Visually impressive, so try to see it on a big screen or even IMAX. If you are a fan of Alien you can look forward to a particular hell as you will not be able to pass on it but the lack of continuity will annoy you like an itch in the center of your back you can’t reach. Date movie? Not unless your date is turned on by every Freudian vagina and penis image possible as well as a lot of gross muck. Bathroom break? There is a scene where Charlize Theron is talking to the captain alone on the bridge that leads to them having sex (maybe. This film was rated R for gore, not nudity or adult situations). While it might seem intriguing, like any number of the stunted minor go nowhere sub plots this added nothing to the story or either of the characters.
This review does not sit well with me. I really, really wanted to like this film (which may be why I am coming down so hard on it). However, I have to be honest and as a nerd and Alien fan this movie kind of missed the mark by a few light years. Thanks for reading anyway. I was hoping this would be the last good movie I would see before having to watch That’s My Boy and Rock of Ages, but instead it looks like it will be the first part of a triumvirate of mediocrity. Cool stuff coming out next week. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you agree or disagree or just have a comment on this movie feel free to post it here. If you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Jim Carrey drops out of Dumb and Dumber 2
Rumor has it the studios were working on a sequel to Dumb & Dumber, starring both Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels playing their roles 20 years after the first movie and Jim dropped out after deciding that the executives really weren’t that into it.
I’m kind of torn on this one. I loved Dumb & Dumber and think it’s one of the best movies Jim Carrey ever did. There’s a part of me that wants to see what they could do in a sequel. However, there is another part of me that thinks that movie stands up pretty well all on it’s own, and doesn’t really need a sequel of any kind. The chances of this movie sucking and making me enjoy the first movie less are considerable, especially when you consider the fact that the last movie the Farrelly Bros did was the remake of the Three Stooges. Maybe they lost their magic.
Bottom line, I am kind of OK either way. If they don’t do it I still have the great first movie to enjoy, and if they do make it it could be really great and worth watching.
The good part about this post is I didn’t have to look hard to find an image. Dave had this gem right in his movie t shirt collection.
Jason
Crystals finally bite the dust in the new Superman movie
I for one couldn’t be happier. I always felt the whole “Kryptonian society is all based on crystals” to be a little too hippy dippy new age. Also, how exactly do crystals grow without some other source to fuel the growth? Isn’t there some law about matter cannot be created or destroyed. Dave would know that. He’s the science nerd.
When you go back to the original comics there was none of this crystal crap either. Krypton was shown as a very advanced planet, not the inside of the universes biggest geode. They had flying cars that looked right. The ship Kal-el stuffed young Superman into looked like a Christmas tree ornament.
Also, what was the deal with using a giant flat crystal as a bed and then having sex with Lois Lane on it? I can tell you from experience that more than once a month on the kitchen floor is a little rough, and unless you are really drunk you don’t want to sleep on it.
It was all 70’s hippy junk IMO, and one of the weaknesses from the last movie was the need they felt to make the magic crystals into a major point of the film. I think Lex Luthor is smart enough to come up with a way to wreck the planet without stealing alien technology.
Like his Batman collection, Dave has a massive amount of Superman t shirts, which is where I got this image. He’s such a fan boy.
Jason
Snow White and the Huntsman Review
Not bad if you can swallow a few plot holes.
I saw this right before leaving for Italy and I hope you can forgive me if I have taken my seeing and enjoying this fabulous country more seriously than sharing my opinion of the film. On the one hand I feel guilty about letting this (and a bunch of other movies like Prometheus and Rock of Ages) sit on the shelf. On the other hand really I feel no guilt whatsoever. This is the first real vacation I have had in years.
Anyway, I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. It does have it’s issues, each hanging over the script like a veritable Sword of Damocles except instead of swords each thread suspends a medium sized bag of dog poo. If you stand in one place too long eventually you will be struck by one.
However, if you can keep moving along with the pace of the movie you can avoid most of the poo and just have to deal with the lingering stench. This film is definitely several steps above the other, more schizophrenic Snow White remake Mirror Mirror. At least it tried to maintain a consistent tone. The acting ran from mediocre to very good, and the story didn’t land too far into lala land (it did, however, take a nice trip through the Valley of Plot Holes).
I’ll get into some of the more egregious plot holes when I do the black holes, but there is one that annoyed me throughout the movie. The Evil Queen Revenna (Charlize Theron-Hancock, Young Adult, the Italian Job) has a spell that helps her stay young and hot as long as she is the fairest in the land. The magic mirror tells her Snow White (Kristin Stewert-Twilight, Twilight, and more Twilight) is destined to out do her in the looks department. Unless as part of the aging process Kristin Stewart was destined to get a full body, face, and personality transplant there is no way she could ever be more fair than Charlize Theron. Charlize is a super hot woman who breathes sensuality into her role with every breath while Kristin Stewart is basically a Real Doll that can move.
Anyway, the story. Honestly, just reread my Mirror Mirror review and you more or less have it, only with the King actually dead. In another impact crater sized plot hole the widowed king meets Revenna after rescuing her from a fake army, they get married 24 hours later, and he dies of natural causes (being stabbed in the chest repeatedly is a natural way to die, right?) in bed with her that night. Somehow no one but some duke we never really get to meet calls shenanigans on this and the kingdom is placed under a terrible curse.
Fast forward 10 years. The magic mirror tells the queen she needs to eat the heart of Snow White in order to remain young forever. She has been keeping Snow White locked in a tower all this time (where somehow she is in awesome shape, can fight with a blade, and is a great swimmer. The tower must also be home to a 24 Hour Fitness) but instead of simply walking up there and gutting her she sends her idiot brother to fetch her. Snow White managed to escape through a sewer and runs into the Black Forest.
At this point the queen does not send in her entire army but rather recruits a local huntsman (Chris Helmsworth-the Avengers, Thor, the Cabin in the Woods) who is the only human to enter the forest and survive or something. He obviously doesn’t want to do it but is coerced by being told Revenna can resurrect his dead wife (zombie wife!). They enter the forest, find Snow White, he has the painfully obvious change of heart, and the rest of the movie is a quest to kill the queen.
The stars. I thought Charlize Theron was excellent. As I said in my review of Young Adult the one role she excels at is the cold, heartless bitch and honestly it rings a lot more true here. One star. While derivative the story was engaging and interesting. Nice twist on a lot of the old story. One star. Excellent visuals and CGI. Everything works well visually. On star. Charlize Theron is always easy on the eyes. One star. I thought Chris Helmsworth did an admirable job with what he was given, and seems to be the only character to actually describe a full arc. One star. Pacing and direction were good. One star. The fight with the troll was excellent. One star. I thought the Seven Dwarfs were pretty cool, although none of them were allowed to develop. One star. Overall very entertaining. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. While none of the plot holes were truly gargantuan, they were numerous. Two black holes. I can tell you from personal experience the last thing you want to assault a castle wall with is heavy cavalry. Just dumb. One black hole. The idea that Kristin Stewart is supposed to be fairer than Charlize Theron is laughable, and in this movie her performance was wooden and formulaic. One black hole. 
A dumb fatalistic sub plot lifted directly from Star Wars (and not good Star Wars. I’m talking Episode 2. Republic image courtesy of the Star Wars T-Shirt category). One black hole. As cool as Queen Revenna was, her dopey brother was dumb and annoying. He was like having Shemp from the Three Stooges shoved into the Godfather. He did nothing but screw up. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Not bad. Well worth seeing, and some of the visuals do cry out for a large screen. However, I think if you have a decently sized TV you could probably survive with NetFlix. Date movie? Meh. Sort of. It wouldn’t be a mistake, but it also wouldn’t be my first choice. Bathroom break? I’d say the scene in town introducing the Huntsman as a drunken brawling loser. Not a lot added to his character there, especially since he more or less doesn’t get wasted enough to impact the movie again. If that is too soon in the movie I’d say any of the scenes involving the duke and his son. Felt very much like filler.
Thanks for reading. I get back from Italy tomorrow about 4pm and may well celebrate by seeing a movie. However, I have some horrible films to see. Rock of Ages and That’s my Boy look to be excruciating. However, as astute and regular readers I’m sure you have figured out the bad ones make for the funniest reviews. I am looking forward to seeing Prometheus, and next weekend promises to be very cool movie wise.
Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments about this review feel free to post them here. If you have questions or suggestions that are off topic you can always email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
A Nerds-eye view of Venice Italy Day 8
Actually this should be listed as Florence rather than Venice. I woke up in the morning and hopped on a train to Florence. I find it surreal how close everything is together. Living in California I always assume major cities are at least a few hours apart, but the train ride was only two hours.
If I were to pick a single element that was my favorite about my trip to Italy it is going to be hard to find something greater than riding on the trains. So far EVERY train trip I have taken has resulted in me interacting with one or more very attractive young ladies. The ride out was particularly nice as I met four very cute, very smart South African engineering students (hot engineers? What are they putting in the water down there). They didn’t have assaigned seats and I was kind of lost trying to find mine, so I spent the whole trip in between two cars chatting with them, mostly about the differences between America and South Africa. Most of their impressions about the USA comes from movies, so they sort of had it right and sort of really had it wrong. They were all very friendly and charming.
The trip home was less impressive. There was a drop dead gorgeous girl sitting next to me for a couple stops but either she didn’t speak any English or didn’t want to talk to me. Still, usually when I ride the train back home I get some creepy homeless guy telling me how the government is putting stuff in our food.
Next time I come to Europe I might have to get one of those train passes and just travel from country to country, chatting up all the people I meet since that is where I actually seem to be capable of talking to folks. I’m sure no one has ever thought of doing that in the history of European vacations.
Anyway, Florence was extremely nice. You couldn’t turn a corner without seeing another amazing cathedral or bank of statues (most of which were plagued with man-junk, if you know what I mean). I went into a couple and spent some time just sitting starring at the amazing stained glass windows and paintings. Truly moving.
The other thing Florence has going on is it is another shopping nightmare. The section I was in was a mashup of every mall, strip mall, and never ending swap meet I have ever been to. I saw a lot of US stores, a lot of international stores, and a lot of crappy t-shirt stands selling pretty much the same shirts as every other one.
That’s not necessarily true. I found one t-shirt shop that actually had a t-shirt I liked a lot. I bought one for me and one for my friend John. I think he will dig it. 
They also had an extensive selection of rock t-shirts. Mostly classic rock stuff like Dark Side of the Moon here from our music t-shirt category. While most of this doesn’t do anything for me (Ramones and Misfits is the limit) at least they had something cool for a change. There is a “LOL” shirt out here that is so awful that whenever I see it (at every place that sells t-shirts in Venice) I want to start punching every Italian I see in the face until I randomly get the guy responsible for it.
That’s not really true. I love the Italian people. If I could find that one guy, however, he might have a close encounter of the fist kind in his future.
Anyway, the Italians here are not especially friendly. Not unfriendly, just not that cool. I think my experience here and in Venice is pretty much what happens when locals have to deal with tourists too much. I grew up in a tourist town and we hated them. The friendliest people I have met were in Paduva, which doesn’t seem to get a lot of tourists. Next time I come here I will spend more time away from tourist areas.
Actually, the friendliest people I have met are tourists from other countries. I never tire to talking to anyone from any other country, and for the most part they seem interested in talking to me. I find that very refreshing. I have noticed something else weird here. Whenever two groups of Americans run into each other they seem to want to hang out, talk about what state and town they are from, and hang out in ways they would never do back home. I am honestly trying to avoid talking to Americans as much as possible. I talk to them all the time back home, and will again soon.
At one point I started playing a game I like. You see I have an unusual body proportion. I am very tall, but most of my height comes from my torso. I also have very broad shoulders but am otherwise of normal size for my height. What this does is makes it almost impossible to find jackets that actually fit. I started looking around for a leather jacket. I frustrated two shopkeepers (they do this weird thing where they set up a swap meet booth for leather 10 feet outside their store door) but then the third guy actually had a nice sheepskin jacket that fit me. I had the remainder of my bonus burning a hole in my pocket (plus have managed to do this trip nicely under the budget I set for myself) so after talking him down to 1/3 of his asking price (I’m pretty sure I still got ripped off) have a nice new jacket for when I get home.
Train back, dinner in Venice. I am really getting comfortable with both the area I am staying in and ordering food in something resembling Italiano. It’s fun. I’ve also stopped looking for a plate to put oil and vinegar on to soak my bread in. That is something they don’t really do here, and after the three days with the rest of the sales force I have been trying to not look like an ugly American.
That’s it for now. Today looks to be a very lazy Sunday. I am going to wander around a little looking for some nice gifts for my friends. By the way, I picked up the book the Hunger Games and am already hooked. Really well done.
Thanks for reading. One more post, probably while I am killing time at the airport, and then a wrap up one. If I get bored tonight I will finally get that last movie review done. By the way, I was extremely gratified to see that horrible movie Rock of Ages failed miserably. The trailers not only made me want to not see that movie (which I will, unfortunately) but never see another movie again. It’s moments like this that I love you, America.
Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Have a comment about Italy or anything in this post? Feel free to comment below. Have a specific off topic question or suggestion? Email me at [email protected]. Thanks again. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles neither teenaged or mutants???
This is literally making me sick to my stomach. I felt the first queasiness when Michael Bay, bane of all movie franchises, announced he was going to do the next TMNT movie, but I saw him saying on a stage that he is planning on making them “funny, lovable aliens” rather than mutants and started vomiting all over my desk here. Why are there never any good snipers around when you really need one? Dave is going to flip when he gets back from Italy.
Then I heard that they are changing the title from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Ninja Turtles and I lost my lunch a second time. Middle aged ninja turtles?
Really, why is this even necessary? Aren’t the TMNT cool enough already? Do you really feel the need to make them somehow uncool? Also, aren’t ninjas an Earth thing, not alien thing? Why would aliens who possess the technology to travel from another galaxy want to fight with ninja weapons? Don’t the have ray guns or something? What the hell happened to Master Splinter?
Dave has always led the charge against Micheal Bay, and I have not been as hard core about it. Sure, Transformers has it’s issues but parts of it are entertaining. However, this move has franchise doom written all over it. Has Hollywood not learned anything from the Avengers and how much better you do if you stick with canon? Anyone else remember when the TMNTs were true ninjas and would kill people?
Anyway, this move sucks. The Dim Mak image I took from Dave’s cartoon t shirts. Cool if you are a true fan.
Jason
A question from The Matrix.
Somehow Dave managed to avoid having an image from the Matrix in his huge collection of nerd t-shirts, but I figured since Hugo Weaving was filming both the Fellowship of the Ring and the Matrix at pretty much the same time I would roll with this one of Sauron. Very cool.
Anyway, here is my question. It is established early on that Agents can dodge bullets, as can Neo by the end of the film. I also get that if Trinity were to put a gun to the side of an Agents head the bullet would probably be too close to dodge even with Agent speed.
Why, then, on the roof of the building would Trinity, after performing a perfect flanking maneuver, get into position for a perfect execution and then take the time to say “Dodge this”? Saying that takes longer than a bullet travels. Given what has been established regarding Agent speed the Agent should have had enough time to move out of the gun barrels way, cave Trinity’s chest in, grabbed a quick cup of coffee and a smoke, and comb his hair back to perfect before getting back in Neo’s face. Seems like a case of continuity suffering for the want of more drama.
Wow I sound like Dave all of a sudden.
Jason
