Another text conversation with Dave and Dave: Time Travel
So another weird conversation with my best friend Dave. Today’s subject: time travel!
Dave I: If you could go back in time what is the first thing you’d do?
Dave C: Tame a dinosaur.
DI: I’d probably go back to when my dad was still drinking and beat the s&%$ out of him.
DC: LOL good thought.
DI: Then jump to 1985 and beat the s&%$ out of three guys and myself for being such a goober. Time travel involves a lot of violence for me.
DC: You’re killing me. I’d go back to the time when I could have slept with all the girls that I could have then wreak vengeance on almost everyone else. Carol at Nichols (note: a place Dave and I both worked at) is first on the list. I had my chance and screwed it up big big.
DI: Yep. I’d tell myself to ask out Ginger and then not to tell Lisa from Nichols my age until the morning after.
DC: Ginger would have married you and turned you into me.
DI: Of course the real answer is go back and invent Facebook.
DC: I’d go back and make sure Facebook was never invented.
DI: LOL. Either that or create 10,000,000,000 temporal clones and conquer the planet.
DC: LOL
DI: Also find the chick who cancelled Firefly and run her over with my car. She should be careful. It will be a nerd who invents time travel and he or she will be looking for payback. Maybe not kill her but make sure her parents never kiss at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in high school. (note: the image comes from one of the Firefly tshirts I wear all the time)
DC: LOL. It may not have caught on if it hadn’t been cancelled and we would be stuck with Muppets Avengers.
DI: Good point. This changing the history is hard.
DC: Ow my area!
DI: I’d like to go back and use my super future powers to impress and date Mary Tyler Moore. Or maybe Audrey Hepburn.
DC: Hahaha. I’d help Hefner invent Playboy.
DI: Knowing my luck it would morph into Highlights Magazine.
DC: Tell Terry Pratchet to lay off the diet soda and tuna. Take out Lucas before he did Jedi.
DI: Good one. Of course some other moron would have taken over and likely done something even more horrible.
DC: He fired all the writers that would have done Jedi. It would have been good.
DC: Which is the worse affront to humanity: all Star Wars post Empire or Red Tails?
DI: Good question. Red Tails was abysmal but at least no one really watched it. I’d have to say the bad Star Wars.
DC: Which would you rather see 3X in a row: Phantom Menace or Red Tails.
DI: Can’t I just choose to die horribly? Phantom Menace I guess but that’s like choosing to lose your testicles completely or keeping one ball.
DI: I’d like to do some time travel practical jokes. Like giving the guys signing the Declaration of Independence disappearing ink.
DC: LOL
DC: Beastmaster’s Tanya Roberts or Dragon Slayers Caitlin Clarke?
DI: I liked Tanya’s costume better but Caitlin Clarke.
DC: Caitlin Clarke = no costume in the movie.
DI: Caitlin or Joan of Arc from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
DC: No brainer Jane Whelen.
DI: Agreed.
DC: I had a huge crush on her since Some Kind of Wonderful.
DI: Yeah I liked that film too.
DC: Plus the hot limo driver was a ringer for my dead girlfriend Leah. Mary Stewart Masterson.
Like most of our text conversation this one ran out of steam at that point. I’m sure I’ve improved the collective value of Western literature by sharing this with you but honestly I think these conversations are hilarious.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Another text conversations with Dave and Dave: Vampire chicks verses werewolf chicks
Another day, another surreal conversation with my best friend who happens to also be named Dave. Before I get blasted for being sexist let me say that this is how dudes talk. Ladies, any guy who denies this is a flat out liar.
Dave C: Would you rather date a vampire or werewolf chick?
Dave I: Werewolf. Turns into a beast once a month? How is that different from a regular chick? (Note: I can sense the hate emails being written as I write this)
DC: I think she would have two cycles a month.
DI: Oh. Vampire then. Sucks your lifeblood? How is that different from a regular chick?
DC: Vampires are usually loaded and I’d rather have to pay blood instead of cash and maybe she would let me crash in her castle. I prefer well groomed.
DI: You know once in a while I get kind of attracted to a cute hairy hippy chick.
DC: Yeah as long as they don’t smell too bad but I can’t deal with unshaven pits. I get sick at the smell of patchouli too.
DI: That’s the problem with dating a vampire. I love eating garlic.
DC: Any girl will find something they hate about you anyway.
DI: Yeah. The werewolf would probably not want to kiss you because of your silver fillings.
DI: Would dating a vampire chick count as necrophilia?
DC: .5. Diet necrophilia.
DI: Remember that blue bald chick from Farscape? Would that be having sex with a plant?
DC: There’s nothing wrong with that.
DC: Girl who will: work with you, play Warhammer with you, or play video games with you?
DI: Video games. Work with would get up your ass quick and there are no attractive women who play Warhammer. Plus a lot of cute girls play video games. Just look at Felicia Day.
DC: I love her. I would ruin her life within a year.
DI: Also if she ever starts to bug you you could pray for a power outage.
DC: I never get tired of COOP gaming except for Destiny LOL.
DI: That game got old like from one day to the next. Super hot chick who hates video games or an OK chick who loves them?
DC: OK is hot when you add a gaming headset.
DI: True. On the other hand you can always sneak in video games on your iPad once in a while. “I’m just reading the news honey.”
And I wonder why I’m still single. The image I got from a funny t shirt in my personal collection.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Text conversations with Dave and Dave – John Wick 2
So a while ago I posted a conversation with my best friend Dave about how he accidentally sat on a Hot Pocket and burned the crap out of his ass. It was hilarious and a lot of fun so I think I am going keep an eye out for gems like the one we had this morning about John Wick 2.
Dave C: Yay John Wick 2! Will it be personal this time?
Dave I: Not another dead dog!
DC: Two dead dogs and a kitten.
DC: He killed all the Russians. Nest time the Chinese blow up the animal shelter he volunteers at.
DI: What if a dog killed his dog?
DC: He goes after the breeders.
DI: What if cancer killed his dog?
DC: He goes microcellular.
DI: What if his dog was implanted with an Alien and the alien killed it when it burst from the dogs chest but it was still part of his dog and kind of cute in a dog/alien sort of way?
DC: Awesome. You should courier it over to Paramount.
DI: LOL. I see inner conflict.
DC: Maybe the dog turns into a werewolf and bites the car, making the car a werecar.
DI: What if the dog has the microbes to stop the zombie apocalypse but the only way to get them is in a big blender?
DC: LOL
DI: What if he took the dog from the last movie to the Pet Cemetery and it became zombie dog?
DC: Oops boss just called. Gotta go.
That was pretty much the end. Bosses don’t really understand the importance of discussing motivation for Keanu Reeves characters. Alien image courtesy of the horror movie t-shirts category. Let me know if you think these are funny and I’ll keep an eye out for them.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Is Popeye the Sailor a Good Father Figure?
The other day I was going through the cartoon t shirt category and came across this gem from Popeye the Sailor. I used to watch the Popeye and Friends show every Sunday morning and enjoyed it a lot. In many ways Popeye was kind of of the make role model I’d wished I’d had so this morning I wondered if Popeye would make a good father figure for young Dave.
Here are the points:
Pros:
- Knows the value of nutrition
- Never gives up (strong to the finish)
- American serviceman (Navy)
- Stands up to bullies
- Hard working
- Kind hearted/helps those in need
- Animal lover
- Believes in the value of boundaries (“That’s all I can stand. I can’t stands no more”)
- Understands that “No” means no
- Can use his pipe to make a steam whistle sound
Cons:
- Smokes
- Mumbles
- Poorly educated/bad grammer
- Resorts to violence as a means of settling disputes
- Tattoos (hey we’ve all got them but tattoos=/=Ward Clever)
- Bizarre elephantiasis of the forearms
- Squints
- Bad posture
- Frequently travels
Looks like the pipe steam whistle thing puts him over the top. In general I think the personality traits of bravery and integrity would make him a good role model but his archetype is well past his time. These days we could never have a cartoon about a smoking mumbler who associated with prostitutes and brawls with street thugs. We wouldn’t want kids to know that such things ever existed in our country and they might have to deal with them one day.
the Infamous Dave Inman
The Bat-Mech suit from the Batman Vs Superman trailer is kick ass
I read an article recently about why the new Batman vs Superman trailer is worrisome and while I agreed with about 70% of the authors points his issue with the new Bat-Mech suit is completely out of place and shows how he is not a true Batman fan.
Readers of the Dark Knight Returns (the comic, not the movie) will recall that Batman did indeed have a suit of mechanized power armor that he did used to fight against none other than Superman. Seeing that suit in the trailer actually gave me a sense of reassurance that maybe there is hope for this movie.
Of course with the exception of the Dark Knight Returns and a couple of Justice League stories (the Tower of Babel for example) most of the Superman/Batman crossover has been dead boring. They are just not in each others league. Batman can’t actually compete against Superman should Supes opt to stand a ways off and burn of Batmans head with heat vision and Superman can’t compete with Batman either intellectually or in coolness. It’s like watching two guys missing the opposite arms try to arm wrestle.
That being said I do have hope for this film and will keep my fingers crossed.
The image above is a Batman hoodie that we just added to the Arkham Knight collection. I just like it a lot.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Why the first 19 seconds of the new Star Wars trailer are better than Episodes I-III combined.
Yesterday I talked about what bugged me about the new trailer but today I want to talk about what I loved in it. The opening pan shot with the speeder traveling past a wrecked X-Wing and Star Destroyer was freaking awesome but more importantly showed a major flaw in Lucas’s last three excretions Episodes I-III. (Universe image from our movie t shirt category)
One of the great missed opportunities in the prequel series was actually showing the consequences of a galaxy wide war between the Separatists and the Republic. You know, wrecked buildings from orbital bombardments, hungry refugees desperate for a crust of bread, the steady decline of the infrastructure as more and more resources are diverted into this all encompassing war. However instead life on Couruscant continues as always with everyone living in luxury and enjoying all the food and high brow culture the French aristocracy held onto prior to the Revolution. At no point does it even seem like anyone is remotely inconvenienced by all the robots and clones dying in space.
However by showing the probably result of 30 years of fighting between the Rebellion and the remnants of the Empire the trailer made it look very much like they are going to keep the next film as gritty as possible, something I relish. Remember when Luke met Han in the seediest bar in the universe or how the Rebellion had to freeze their gonads (or what passes for gonads on aliens) on Hoth due to lack or resources? It’s that sort of struggle that makes a movie great, not watching sperm ballet in a lavish box seat. Well done thus far.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer
I, like 99.999% of the nerd world, recently saw the new Star Wars trailer and am very excited. I like where they are going with the guy from Attack the Block and loved the Mark Hamil voice over. I have my fingers crossed rigidly in hopes of a reboot that washes out both the hatred I feel for Lucas for Episodes I-III and the hatred I feel for JJ Abrams for the last two Star Trek train wrecks.
However, like I did with the first one there always has to something that bugs me about it and as much as I hate to say it in this case it’s Harrison Ford. Don’t get me wrong. I love Han Solo and thought his inclusion in this film as a veteran rogue giving advice to a new group of swashbucklers would be awesome. However the instead opted to stick him in with only the wrinkles on his face showing any sign that time has passed. He is even dressed exactly the same (you would think that sometime in the past 20 years he might have picked up a hat or found his old Def Leppard t-shirt. Chewbacca looks exactly the same and has the same crossbow. Don’t Wookies get grey hair at some point? There was a lot of grey on Itchy from the Star Wars Holiday Special. Sorry Disney. Lucas created it so it is still canon. Happy Life Day! Chewie image courtesy of our collection of Star Wars t-shirts). It looks like they are going to stick Han Solo in like he’s been smuggling “spice” since the Emperor died.
But really the problem is that his cameo felt as forced and awkward as a catheter made from a firehose. It felt like going to a wild 6 keg frat party at college and have your uncle show up and hang out. You are glad to see him but he just seems really out of place and kind of hampers your enjoyment. It just felt odd. Also what was up with his line “Chewie…we’re home”? Wasn’t he a general in the rebellion at the end of Jedi? Also wasn’t he supposed to marry Princess Leia? Was that the best line they could think of for him? Maybe if they wanted to ramp up the cheese factor.
Anyway regardless I am very excited and will write more on it soon. Thanks
the Infamous Dave Inman
Op Ed: Does the Joker want to Rape Batman?
In the wake of the controversy of the variant cover of Batgirl #41, I have discovered many articles. One link lead to a headline posited by a (self-identified) feminist Twitter activist who’s name was blocked on the screen-captures. She said, “Show me the cover where Batman is the Victim of the Joker… Show me Batman helpless, stripped of all agency.” This was followed by several followers posting what they thought met that request. The only one that I thought came close to the Batgirl cover was one of Batman #674, showing Batman tied to a chair with a power drill being wielded threateningly by the (off-panel) Joker, in vaguely the direction of Batman’s genitals. This still doesn’t equal the Batgirl cover to me on a few levels: 1) Batman has agency, his facial expression is fierce there, defiant—He is still fighting. 2) The Joker is only implied and not shown, we are actually made to side with the Joker as the angle forces us the viewer to see things from the Joker’s perspective. 3) The Joker has never sexually assaulted the Batman—He has sexually assaulted Batgirl/ Barbara Gordon, in the pages of 1988’s “The Killing Joke”, which the cover in question was referring directly to. (For more Batgirl, Batman and the Joker, please redirect to our Batman Hoodie category.)
So to me, this all begs the question: Does the Joker want to rape Batman? We know next to nothing about the Joker other than that he’s a violent psychopath who is locked in a mutual obsession with the Caped Crusader. Even in the Joker’s own short-run series or when referred to by other villains, most notably his sidekick/ not exactly girlfriend Harley Quinn, he is oddly non-sexual, at least when immediate pain and power are not involved. And in the Killing Joke, he didn’t rape Barbara, and he didn’t know she was Batgirl, he just shot whoever answered the door and got lucky: it was Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, whom he then stripped naked while she bled out and took photographs of her to show to Jim later, in order to torture Jim, not to do anything with Barbara.
The Joker in films is often depicted as sadistic, delusional, deeply narcissistic and more than a little… Effeminate. The idea of the “Gay Serial Killer” is an unfortunate reminder of old prejudices we still see in cinema, most often in Film Nior, which Batman has it’s roots firmly in. In 2008’s “The Dark Knight” Heath Ledger won an Oscar© for playing the most infamous nemesis as a spooky, kooky, sometimes dressed-in-drag anarchist who tells Batman: “You complete me”, arguably the most quotable line from a romantic comedy in the 20th century.
Backing up for a second, the first cover in the thread that I mentioned wasn’t Batman and the Joker, but Batman and Harley—A female Joker who is less threatening than the real thing. She has Batman tied up on the floor, his bat-manhood shoved toward the viewer, and it’s still not about her threatening him, sexually or otherwise. It’s about making Harley Quinn a desirable object in the foreground for the assumed white-hetero-male demographic, and about making Batman a fetishized self-insert wish-fulfillment character. The viewer is supposed to say, “Yeah, I’d let her tie me up anytime. Crazy chicks are great in bed.” It’s not about Batman at all, and it’s not about him being threatened with sexual assault, because the person who commissioned the cover or who drew it decided, consciously or subconsciously that women either don’t or can’t be a sexual threat to men, at least not if the woman is hot enough.
But nobody is saying that Batman wants the Joker to tie him (or anyone else) up. Nobody ever saw Batman stripped naked, without his cowl and cape and armor, bleeding and violated and unconscious at the mercy of someone who was doing it in order to say… Emotionally harm Selina Kyle/ Catwoman. Batman has endured great horrors and losses, he’s that kind of Hero, he’s dark and he’s human and he comes from tragedy, but he’s not a woman. And yes, men can be, and unfortunately are raped and sexually assaulted, by both women (of all levels of attractiveness) and by other men. But women are sexually assaulted a great deal more often, and usually by men who are close to them—not strangers in alleyways with weapons. Women in comic books are harmed so often in order to get an emotional response from the Male hero that writer Gail Simone started a website about the trope: Women in Refrigerators.
Back to the Joker: it has been posited that during the death of Jason Todd, the Joker takes a sexual pleasure either from the brutality of Todd’s murder at his hands itself, or simply in molesting Todd’s unconscious/ dead body (off-panel) after the fact. Does the Joker get off on anyone’s pain, or does he get off because he knows he’s indirectly causing Batman trauma? Or because Todd was a pretty teenage boy in tights? Maybe all three. Also, on Batman: The Animated Series, especially in films such as “Mask of the Phantasm”, the Joker laughs hysterically, even euphorically whenever Batman causes him physical pain, even imminent death. This can be interpreted as more than just common madness—The Joker is aroused by Batman beating him, conquering him, physically overpowering him and having to give in to Batman’s darkest desire: to finally kill the Joker. There is undoubtedly something psycho-sexual there.
How do I answer my own question here? The Joker doesn’t much care for sex, and he gets off on power and abuse, regardless of whether there are sexual overtones or not. He may desire a sexual relationship with Batman, but it doesn’t come off as one where he wants to particularly assert himself. He is playing a game with Batman, and playing chicken with Death, hoping he can get the Dark Knight to go off the rails and break his one rule. There’s the same sexual tension between the Joker and Batman that someone with a car-crash fetish has when they don’t hit the breaks, or a storm-chaser goes through when getting too close to a level 5 twister: the Joker wants to lose himself in Batman, and in so doing, have Batman be lost as well. (Joker Poster – “Bats” can be found with our other Posters.)
In that case: nice try with those covers, but no cigar. Batman doesn’t lose anything from the Joker winning some of the time, because that is not representative of the relationship that they have as characters. Barbara Gordon was dealing with PTSD from her encounter with the Joker when I last read her, and rightfully so. I think that’s what the woman who had her Twitter handle but not her picture erased was trying to say: there is a double-standard in how female super heroes are treated vs. how male super heroes are treated in comics. You can’t show me a cover of Batman being reminded of that time the Joker took his power away—because that never happened to Batman. But it did happen to Batgirl, and in a Batman book.
Women in Comics: Bitch Planet
I can’t tell you how many girl crush #’s I’ve used to say that I love Kelly Sue DeConnick. But here I go again. Let me add gratuitously to the pile of praise heaped on to Image Comic’s intersectional feminist baby: Bitch Planet!
I’ve read the first 3 issues and it’s a self-aware Quentin Terantino-style retro women-in-prison exploitation series but set in the near future… In SPACE!!! (Terantino XXX and Girls in Prison from our extensive Movie T-shirts library.) The things that make BP so good are twofold: 1) Its use of diverse female characters to tell actual women’s stories of alienation, personal discovery and fighting the Patriarchy are as relevant as they are fun (and violent!). 2) After the first 2 issues setting up the setting and cast, each issue is using a special guest artist to highlight and tell a character’s personal story, interwoven into the larger narrative. This starts in issue #3, “The Secret History of Penny Rolle”, my personal favorite of the trio. In it, Big, bold and BAD Penny is taken from her loving home at a young age because her grandmother (and assumedly also mother) is a single, black, morbidly obese woman, which in this near-future dystopia is enough to make her considered “Non-Compliant” in the eyes of the state and nation: you don’t look like you should look or act like society wants you to act, you go to jail.
Still, Penny is my hero because when forced to look through a magic-tech mirror (SPOILERS!) to see her most idealized self, she sees exactly who she is already: a big, angry, woman of color fighting to be free even in her cage. Because God don’t make no junk, and honey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
So, ladies, gentlemen, friends all across the gender spectrum, are you ready to party like it’s your last night before being shipped to Bitch Planet? Are you mad about the status quo? Are you ready to be Non-Compliant?
Insurgent Review
Or, good looking young white people against the world.
As it turns out I have a very good memory for movie plots. I tend to remember films very well and if I don’t just having someone describe a scene or a character is normally enough for me to more or less recall the film in it’s entirety. This stems back to the good old days when my dad would take us to the drive in to see such child friendly films as One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest or Orca the Killer Whale (one might think these films might not be appropriate for kids but I needed something the get me through the 1st grade. My father ladies and gentleman. Dad of the year).
The point is when I see the second in a series normally within about 10 minutes I have placed all the events and characters from the last film and can enjoy (or not enjoy as the case may be) the sequel but as this movie rolled along I found myself lost without a paddle. I could not remember much about the film or any of the characters and while I am not involved in the production of films as a fan of movies a film that has been more or less completely forgotten 12 months after viewing is not a blueprint for success. I’m just saying. Most annoyingly I could not remember the defining moment of Tris’s life in the killing of her friend Will. All I could remember was a really, really bland character jumping into a hole and a crowd of people all wearing the most boring clothes ever.
So I did what I usually do in circumstances like this and read the Divergent review I wrote back in March. After being stunned once again by what an awesome writer I am (my modesty is pretty stunning as well) I was able to piece together most of the plot. Of course the killing of Will I still can’t place and at the time was pretty inconsequential. I’m pretty sure somewhere between the first film and this one they decided to give Tris more of a back story and angst in order to avoid having her be named the least interesting character in cinema history (barely edging out the steering wheel from Driving Miss Daisy, a plank of wood from the dock of On Golden Pond, and any character ever played by Kristin Stewart).
For some reason I seemed to have liked it although I am at a loss as to why. Perhaps in comparison to the rest of the dross masquerading as film in the Young Adult category at the time it was a particularly shiny and appealing carbuncle but all the curses that plague YA films seems to have come home to roost. There was a time when Divergent could have unseated the Hunger Games off my personal throne as the best of the worst but that ship seems to have sailed.
Of course all the problems I had with Divergent have had no resolution and have only gotten worse. Again, why would anyone join any faction other than Dauntless? If you join any other faction why don’t you just spend all day bent over waiting for the inevitable wedgies that are coming your way? SPOILER ALERT They did sort of answer the question of who is this enemy that requires a giant wall and 20% of your population in the military with a big fat nobody but that just opens up more questions than it answers.
BIG SPOILER ALERT Honestly parts of this film seemed OK but the thing that really, really climbs up my ass is the worst sci fi fall back trope cop out ever: when the story gets stuck you just turtle up and claim the whole thing was just some kind of bizarre science experiment. Yep, the same thing that in my opinion ruined Maze Runner and any number of other crappy movies. You see people who don’t understand that science is actually a functional part of science fiction seem to think they can do anything if they later claim the whole thing was a giant Petri dish. The entire city of Chicago and it’s bizarre faction based social experiment that resulted in the death of hundreds of people was all some scientific experiment to produce the Divergents who are supposed to save the world by…doing something?
(Image from our funny t shirt collection)
It’s actually worse than that. So the main plot point is there is a magic box that only a 100% Divergent can open. But the evil boss lady more or less has all the Divergents executed and since Tris is the only 100% Divergent around the whole “science” experiment could have fallen apart when she fell off a train, got a knife stuck in her by one of the Factionless, or been shot in the head by one of the several hundred rounds shot at her by the Dauntless while she was running away. The thing about science experiments is if you set them up to fail and only succeed by the most random happenstance that is pretty much begging for fail. This entire plot could have failed about 800 different times. Also who sets up an experiment to run 200 years? Wouldn’t that time be better spent using 200 10% Divergents then waiting for the one 100%?
What was in the Magic Box, you ask? Only the “Congratulations you’ve survived our science experiment. Now walk outside and see what the rest of the world has for you” message. I seriously wanted to punch someone at that point.
So worth seeing? I hate saying this but not really. I had hope for this series at the beginning but rather than refining the film and filtering out the bad the lame parts have grown to clog the plot up like algae in your swimming pool filter. The action is sort of OK but everything that sucks about YA films is now here in spades, like they reviewed the first film and decided they need to add more to make up for the lack in that one. Tris was slightly more interested by being haunted by guilt (plus I liked her with short hair) and the Simulation parts were kind of cool if you dug Pink Floyd’s the Wall but other than that there isn’t much to recommend it. 1.5 of 5 phasers.
The Infamous Dave Inman