More Vs. text conversation with Dave and Dave: Ash vs Macguyver and Anger Farts
Dave C: Ash vs Macguyver.
Dave I: Given time to prepare and a bag of Q-tips, a condom, and three rubber bands Macguyver. Otherwise Ash. Two Face vs Tyler Durden
DC: Two Face. A Team vs the Mystery Men – non lethal combat.
DI: Good one. With vehicles Mystery Men (Herkimer Battle Jitney > GMS Vandura). On foot A Team.
DC: Ash vs Ripley
DI: Ripley. Captain Amazing vs an Alien.
DC: Capt Amazing. I love that guy.
DI: He is amazing.
DC: Capt Amazing vs Capt Hammer.
DI: Amazing but I want Hammer to win. Dr. Horrible vs Mandark
DC: Horrible
DI: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen vs the A Team.
DC: The League would wipe em.
DI: Hellboy vs the Thing
DC: Hellboy
DI: Yep
DC: Tick vs Hellboy.
DI: Tick
DC: Both are nigh invulnerable.
DI: Yeah but the Tick is blue and Hellboy red.
DC: Indeed
DI: Arthur vs Robin.
DC: Robin
DI: Robin vs Batmanuel
DC: Robin. Batmanuel is a lover not a fighter. Supes vs Avengers
DI: With Thor and Hulk? Avengers unless Supes cuts off their heads from a few miles away with heat vision.
DC: I say Supes because he is OP. He could pick them off one at a time unless they hold a Kryptonite sammich.
DI: True. Throw Hulk into orbit. I’m sure Hawkeye would slow him down though. At least as long as it took to wipe Hawkeye guts off his fists.
DC: LOL. No one launches Hulk or Doomsday into space. Problem solved until they hit the next populated planet.
DI: Or the Sun.
DC: Sun has a core they could launch from. Look at my muscles…in space!
DI: Maybe Hulk could anger fart himself back to Earth.
DC: LOL good point.
Another text conversation with Dave and Dave: Voltron vs Godzilla
Dave and I do these who would win/who is cooler/who would you rather be or have hang out conversations periodically. This one was pretty good.
Dave I: Who would win? Voltron vs Godzilla?
Dave C: Godzilla. He’d get his ass beat for a while then get pissed and tear them appart.
DI: But Voltron can fly and shoot him from the sky.
DC: Yeah but he’s nigh invulnerable. I love Godzilla and Voltron is a bitch.
DI: True. Plus if flying could defeat him Mothra or King Ghidorah would have kicked hi ass. Also Voltron always tries to to finish opponents with his sword.
DC: Mothra vs 2012 Kraken for stupidest monster.
DI: Don’t forget Mothra was awoken by hot chicks chanting at him.
DC: Their Asian powers hold no sway over me. Graboid vs T-Rex
DI: On rock T-Rex on dirt Graboid. Voltron vs Omega Supreme. (Image courtesy of the Transformers t shirt collection)
DC: Omega Supreme.
DI: So who can Voltron beat?
DC: Bumble Bee movie form.
DI: LOL
DC: Stalemate vs Thundercats.
DI: T-Cats. Graboid vs Morlocks.
DC: Graboids.
DI: Morlocks vs CHUDs?
DC: CHUDs.
DI: CHUDs vs Sleestaks?
DC: Sleestaks.
DI: Hmm. They move pretty slow.
DC: They have poison spit darts and are scary as hell. Gremlins vs Gollum?
DI: I need more info. Good gremlin or bad gremlin? Gollum with Ring or withoug?
DC: No Ring. Gremlins are what you get after you feed a Mogwai after midnight.
DI: No Ring Gremlins easy. Gollum will eat a couple and die.
DC: LOL.
DI: Gremlins could jump in the ocean and conquer the planet.
DC: Indeed. Until the next morning.
DI: Mogwai vs Smurfs?
DC: LOL stalemate.
DI: They’d just sit there looking cute at each other.
DC: Yeah. Conan vs He Man?
DI: I want to say Conan but my gut says He Man.
DC: Dunno depends on magic.
DI: Gloop and Gleep from the Herculoids vs the Smurfs.
DC: LOL Herculoids. 6 Storm Troopers vs Predator.
DI: Predator.
DC: Storm troopers wearing real armor? No plastic s&%*.
DI: In the jungle still predator. In the open 50/50. Skeletor vs old Obi Won Kenobi?
DC: Skeletor. Young Obi FTW though. Luke Skywalker vs Predator?
DI: Episode IV Predator. Episode VI Luke.
DC: Good qualification.
DI: Gargomel vs Harry Potter.
DC: Harry Potter year 3.
DI: If Harry Potter wanted to eat and/or turn Smurfs into gold how long would they last.
DC: Not long. ALthough being magical creatures they may have a resistance to magic.
At that point we both had to get back to work or something interrupting the flow of our high brow high geek conversation. If you knew every reference in this conversation and can come up with a qualified opinion on each match up you are very cool.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Another text conversation with Dave and Dave: Time Travel
So another weird conversation with my best friend Dave. Today’s subject: time travel!
Dave I: If you could go back in time what is the first thing you’d do?
Dave C: Tame a dinosaur.
DI: I’d probably go back to when my dad was still drinking and beat the s&%$ out of him.
DC: LOL good thought.
DI: Then jump to 1985 and beat the s&%$ out of three guys and myself for being such a goober. Time travel involves a lot of violence for me.
DC: You’re killing me. I’d go back to the time when I could have slept with all the girls that I could have then wreak vengeance on almost everyone else. Carol at Nichols (note: a place Dave and I both worked at) is first on the list. I had my chance and screwed it up big big.
DI: Yep. I’d tell myself to ask out Ginger and then not to tell Lisa from Nichols my age until the morning after.
DC: Ginger would have married you and turned you into me.
DI: Of course the real answer is go back and invent Facebook.
DC: I’d go back and make sure Facebook was never invented.
DI: LOL. Either that or create 10,000,000,000 temporal clones and conquer the planet.
DC: LOL
DI: Also find the chick who cancelled Firefly and run her over with my car. She should be careful. It will be a nerd who invents time travel and he or she will be looking for payback. Maybe not kill her but make sure her parents never kiss at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in high school. (note: the image comes from one of the Firefly tshirts I wear all the time)
DC: LOL. It may not have caught on if it hadn’t been cancelled and we would be stuck with Muppets Avengers.
DI: Good point. This changing the history is hard.
DC: Ow my area!
DI: I’d like to go back and use my super future powers to impress and date Mary Tyler Moore. Or maybe Audrey Hepburn.
DC: Hahaha. I’d help Hefner invent Playboy.
DI: Knowing my luck it would morph into Highlights Magazine.
DC: Tell Terry Pratchet to lay off the diet soda and tuna. Take out Lucas before he did Jedi.
DI: Good one. Of course some other moron would have taken over and likely done something even more horrible.
DC: He fired all the writers that would have done Jedi. It would have been good.
DC: Which is the worse affront to humanity: all Star Wars post Empire or Red Tails?
DI: Good question. Red Tails was abysmal but at least no one really watched it. I’d have to say the bad Star Wars.
DC: Which would you rather see 3X in a row: Phantom Menace or Red Tails.
DI: Can’t I just choose to die horribly? Phantom Menace I guess but that’s like choosing to lose your testicles completely or keeping one ball.
DI: I’d like to do some time travel practical jokes. Like giving the guys signing the Declaration of Independence disappearing ink.
DC: LOL
DC: Beastmaster’s Tanya Roberts or Dragon Slayers Caitlin Clarke?
DI: I liked Tanya’s costume better but Caitlin Clarke.
DC: Caitlin Clarke = no costume in the movie.
DI: Caitlin or Joan of Arc from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
DC: No brainer Jane Whelen.
DI: Agreed.
DC: I had a huge crush on her since Some Kind of Wonderful.
DI: Yeah I liked that film too.
DC: Plus the hot limo driver was a ringer for my dead girlfriend Leah. Mary Stewart Masterson.
Like most of our text conversation this one ran out of steam at that point. I’m sure I’ve improved the collective value of Western literature by sharing this with you but honestly I think these conversations are hilarious.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Another text conversations with Dave and Dave: Vampire chicks verses werewolf chicks
Another day, another surreal conversation with my best friend who happens to also be named Dave. Before I get blasted for being sexist let me say that this is how dudes talk. Ladies, any guy who denies this is a flat out liar.
Dave C: Would you rather date a vampire or werewolf chick?
Dave I: Werewolf. Turns into a beast once a month? How is that different from a regular chick? (Note: I can sense the hate emails being written as I write this)
DC: I think she would have two cycles a month.
DI: Oh. Vampire then. Sucks your lifeblood? How is that different from a regular chick?
DC: Vampires are usually loaded and I’d rather have to pay blood instead of cash and maybe she would let me crash in her castle. I prefer well groomed.
DI: You know once in a while I get kind of attracted to a cute hairy hippy chick.
DC: Yeah as long as they don’t smell too bad but I can’t deal with unshaven pits. I get sick at the smell of patchouli too.
DI: That’s the problem with dating a vampire. I love eating garlic.
DC: Any girl will find something they hate about you anyway.
DI: Yeah. The werewolf would probably not want to kiss you because of your silver fillings.
DI: Would dating a vampire chick count as necrophilia?
DC: .5. Diet necrophilia.
DI: Remember that blue bald chick from Farscape? Would that be having sex with a plant?
DC: There’s nothing wrong with that.
DC: Girl who will: work with you, play Warhammer with you, or play video games with you?
DI: Video games. Work with would get up your ass quick and there are no attractive women who play Warhammer. Plus a lot of cute girls play video games. Just look at Felicia Day.
DC: I love her. I would ruin her life within a year.
DI: Also if she ever starts to bug you you could pray for a power outage.
DC: I never get tired of COOP gaming except for Destiny LOL.
DI: That game got old like from one day to the next. Super hot chick who hates video games or an OK chick who loves them?
DC: OK is hot when you add a gaming headset.
DI: True. On the other hand you can always sneak in video games on your iPad once in a while. “I’m just reading the news honey.”
And I wonder why I’m still single. The image I got from a funny t shirt in my personal collection.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Text conversations with Dave and Dave – John Wick 2
So a while ago I posted a conversation with my best friend Dave about how he accidentally sat on a Hot Pocket and burned the crap out of his ass. It was hilarious and a lot of fun so I think I am going keep an eye out for gems like the one we had this morning about John Wick 2.
Dave C: Yay John Wick 2! Will it be personal this time?
Dave I: Not another dead dog!
DC: Two dead dogs and a kitten.
DC: He killed all the Russians. Nest time the Chinese blow up the animal shelter he volunteers at.
DI: What if a dog killed his dog?
DC: He goes after the breeders.
DI: What if cancer killed his dog?
DC: He goes microcellular.
DI: What if his dog was implanted with an Alien and the alien killed it when it burst from the dogs chest but it was still part of his dog and kind of cute in a dog/alien sort of way?
DC: Awesome. You should courier it over to Paramount.
DI: LOL. I see inner conflict.
DC: Maybe the dog turns into a werewolf and bites the car, making the car a werecar.
DI: What if the dog has the microbes to stop the zombie apocalypse but the only way to get them is in a big blender?
DC: LOL
DI: What if he took the dog from the last movie to the Pet Cemetery and it became zombie dog?
DC: Oops boss just called. Gotta go.
That was pretty much the end. Bosses don’t really understand the importance of discussing motivation for Keanu Reeves characters. Alien image courtesy of the horror movie t-shirts category. Let me know if you think these are funny and I’ll keep an eye out for them.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Is Popeye the Sailor a Good Father Figure?
The other day I was going through the cartoon t shirt category and came across this gem from Popeye the Sailor. I used to watch the Popeye and Friends show every Sunday morning and enjoyed it a lot. In many ways Popeye was kind of of the make role model I’d wished I’d had so this morning I wondered if Popeye would make a good father figure for young Dave.
Here are the points:
Pros:
- Knows the value of nutrition
- Never gives up (strong to the finish)
- American serviceman (Navy)
- Stands up to bullies
- Hard working
- Kind hearted/helps those in need
- Animal lover
- Believes in the value of boundaries (“That’s all I can stand. I can’t stands no more”)
- Understands that “No” means no
- Can use his pipe to make a steam whistle sound
Cons:
- Smokes
- Mumbles
- Poorly educated/bad grammer
- Resorts to violence as a means of settling disputes
- Tattoos (hey we’ve all got them but tattoos=/=Ward Clever)
- Bizarre elephantiasis of the forearms
- Squints
- Bad posture
- Frequently travels
Looks like the pipe steam whistle thing puts him over the top. In general I think the personality traits of bravery and integrity would make him a good role model but his archetype is well past his time. These days we could never have a cartoon about a smoking mumbler who associated with prostitutes and brawls with street thugs. We wouldn’t want kids to know that such things ever existed in our country and they might have to deal with them one day.
the Infamous Dave Inman
The Bat-Mech suit from the Batman Vs Superman trailer is kick ass
I read an article recently about why the new Batman vs Superman trailer is worrisome and while I agreed with about 70% of the authors points his issue with the new Bat-Mech suit is completely out of place and shows how he is not a true Batman fan.
Readers of the Dark Knight Returns (the comic, not the movie) will recall that Batman did indeed have a suit of mechanized power armor that he did used to fight against none other than Superman. Seeing that suit in the trailer actually gave me a sense of reassurance that maybe there is hope for this movie.
Of course with the exception of the Dark Knight Returns and a couple of Justice League stories (the Tower of Babel for example) most of the Superman/Batman crossover has been dead boring. They are just not in each others league. Batman can’t actually compete against Superman should Supes opt to stand a ways off and burn of Batmans head with heat vision and Superman can’t compete with Batman either intellectually or in coolness. It’s like watching two guys missing the opposite arms try to arm wrestle.
That being said I do have hope for this film and will keep my fingers crossed.
The image above is a Batman hoodie that we just added to the Arkham Knight collection. I just like it a lot.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Why the first 19 seconds of the new Star Wars trailer are better than Episodes I-III combined.
Yesterday I talked about what bugged me about the new trailer but today I want to talk about what I loved in it. The opening pan shot with the speeder traveling past a wrecked X-Wing and Star Destroyer was freaking awesome but more importantly showed a major flaw in Lucas’s last three excretions Episodes I-III. (Universe image from our movie t shirt category)
One of the great missed opportunities in the prequel series was actually showing the consequences of a galaxy wide war between the Separatists and the Republic. You know, wrecked buildings from orbital bombardments, hungry refugees desperate for a crust of bread, the steady decline of the infrastructure as more and more resources are diverted into this all encompassing war. However instead life on Couruscant continues as always with everyone living in luxury and enjoying all the food and high brow culture the French aristocracy held onto prior to the Revolution. At no point does it even seem like anyone is remotely inconvenienced by all the robots and clones dying in space.
However by showing the probably result of 30 years of fighting between the Rebellion and the remnants of the Empire the trailer made it look very much like they are going to keep the next film as gritty as possible, something I relish. Remember when Luke met Han in the seediest bar in the universe or how the Rebellion had to freeze their gonads (or what passes for gonads on aliens) on Hoth due to lack or resources? It’s that sort of struggle that makes a movie great, not watching sperm ballet in a lavish box seat. Well done thus far.
the Infamous Dave Inman
Some thoughts on the new Star Wars trailer
I, like 99.999% of the nerd world, recently saw the new Star Wars trailer and am very excited. I like where they are going with the guy from Attack the Block and loved the Mark Hamil voice over. I have my fingers crossed rigidly in hopes of a reboot that washes out both the hatred I feel for Lucas for Episodes I-III and the hatred I feel for JJ Abrams for the last two Star Trek train wrecks.
However, like I did with the first one there always has to something that bugs me about it and as much as I hate to say it in this case it’s Harrison Ford. Don’t get me wrong. I love Han Solo and thought his inclusion in this film as a veteran rogue giving advice to a new group of swashbucklers would be awesome. However the instead opted to stick him in with only the wrinkles on his face showing any sign that time has passed. He is even dressed exactly the same (you would think that sometime in the past 20 years he might have picked up a hat or found his old Def Leppard t-shirt. Chewbacca looks exactly the same and has the same crossbow. Don’t Wookies get grey hair at some point? There was a lot of grey on Itchy from the Star Wars Holiday Special. Sorry Disney. Lucas created it so it is still canon. Happy Life Day! Chewie image courtesy of our collection of Star Wars t-shirts). It looks like they are going to stick Han Solo in like he’s been smuggling “spice” since the Emperor died.
But really the problem is that his cameo felt as forced and awkward as a catheter made from a firehose. It felt like going to a wild 6 keg frat party at college and have your uncle show up and hang out. You are glad to see him but he just seems really out of place and kind of hampers your enjoyment. It just felt odd. Also what was up with his line “Chewie…we’re home”? Wasn’t he a general in the rebellion at the end of Jedi? Also wasn’t he supposed to marry Princess Leia? Was that the best line they could think of for him? Maybe if they wanted to ramp up the cheese factor.
Anyway regardless I am very excited and will write more on it soon. Thanks
the Infamous Dave Inman
Op Ed: Does the Joker want to Rape Batman?
In the wake of the controversy of the variant cover of Batgirl #41, I have discovered many articles. One link lead to a headline posited by a (self-identified) feminist Twitter activist who’s name was blocked on the screen-captures. She said, “Show me the cover where Batman is the Victim of the Joker… Show me Batman helpless, stripped of all agency.” This was followed by several followers posting what they thought met that request. The only one that I thought came close to the Batgirl cover was one of Batman #674, showing Batman tied to a chair with a power drill being wielded threateningly by the (off-panel) Joker, in vaguely the direction of Batman’s genitals. This still doesn’t equal the Batgirl cover to me on a few levels: 1) Batman has agency, his facial expression is fierce there, defiant—He is still fighting. 2) The Joker is only implied and not shown, we are actually made to side with the Joker as the angle forces us the viewer to see things from the Joker’s perspective. 3) The Joker has never sexually assaulted the Batman—He has sexually assaulted Batgirl/ Barbara Gordon, in the pages of 1988’s “The Killing Joke”, which the cover in question was referring directly to. (For more Batgirl, Batman and the Joker, please redirect to our Batman Hoodie category.)
So to me, this all begs the question: Does the Joker want to rape Batman? We know next to nothing about the Joker other than that he’s a violent psychopath who is locked in a mutual obsession with the Caped Crusader. Even in the Joker’s own short-run series or when referred to by other villains, most notably his sidekick/ not exactly girlfriend Harley Quinn, he is oddly non-sexual, at least when immediate pain and power are not involved. And in the Killing Joke, he didn’t rape Barbara, and he didn’t know she was Batgirl, he just shot whoever answered the door and got lucky: it was Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, whom he then stripped naked while she bled out and took photographs of her to show to Jim later, in order to torture Jim, not to do anything with Barbara.
The Joker in films is often depicted as sadistic, delusional, deeply narcissistic and more than a little… Effeminate. The idea of the “Gay Serial Killer” is an unfortunate reminder of old prejudices we still see in cinema, most often in Film Nior, which Batman has it’s roots firmly in. In 2008’s “The Dark Knight” Heath Ledger won an Oscar© for playing the most infamous nemesis as a spooky, kooky, sometimes dressed-in-drag anarchist who tells Batman: “You complete me”, arguably the most quotable line from a romantic comedy in the 20th century.
Backing up for a second, the first cover in the thread that I mentioned wasn’t Batman and the Joker, but Batman and Harley—A female Joker who is less threatening than the real thing. She has Batman tied up on the floor, his bat-manhood shoved toward the viewer, and it’s still not about her threatening him, sexually or otherwise. It’s about making Harley Quinn a desirable object in the foreground for the assumed white-hetero-male demographic, and about making Batman a fetishized self-insert wish-fulfillment character. The viewer is supposed to say, “Yeah, I’d let her tie me up anytime. Crazy chicks are great in bed.” It’s not about Batman at all, and it’s not about him being threatened with sexual assault, because the person who commissioned the cover or who drew it decided, consciously or subconsciously that women either don’t or can’t be a sexual threat to men, at least not if the woman is hot enough.
But nobody is saying that Batman wants the Joker to tie him (or anyone else) up. Nobody ever saw Batman stripped naked, without his cowl and cape and armor, bleeding and violated and unconscious at the mercy of someone who was doing it in order to say… Emotionally harm Selina Kyle/ Catwoman. Batman has endured great horrors and losses, he’s that kind of Hero, he’s dark and he’s human and he comes from tragedy, but he’s not a woman. And yes, men can be, and unfortunately are raped and sexually assaulted, by both women (of all levels of attractiveness) and by other men. But women are sexually assaulted a great deal more often, and usually by men who are close to them—not strangers in alleyways with weapons. Women in comic books are harmed so often in order to get an emotional response from the Male hero that writer Gail Simone started a website about the trope: Women in Refrigerators.
Back to the Joker: it has been posited that during the death of Jason Todd, the Joker takes a sexual pleasure either from the brutality of Todd’s murder at his hands itself, or simply in molesting Todd’s unconscious/ dead body (off-panel) after the fact. Does the Joker get off on anyone’s pain, or does he get off because he knows he’s indirectly causing Batman trauma? Or because Todd was a pretty teenage boy in tights? Maybe all three. Also, on Batman: The Animated Series, especially in films such as “Mask of the Phantasm”, the Joker laughs hysterically, even euphorically whenever Batman causes him physical pain, even imminent death. This can be interpreted as more than just common madness—The Joker is aroused by Batman beating him, conquering him, physically overpowering him and having to give in to Batman’s darkest desire: to finally kill the Joker. There is undoubtedly something psycho-sexual there.
How do I answer my own question here? The Joker doesn’t much care for sex, and he gets off on power and abuse, regardless of whether there are sexual overtones or not. He may desire a sexual relationship with Batman, but it doesn’t come off as one where he wants to particularly assert himself. He is playing a game with Batman, and playing chicken with Death, hoping he can get the Dark Knight to go off the rails and break his one rule. There’s the same sexual tension between the Joker and Batman that someone with a car-crash fetish has when they don’t hit the breaks, or a storm-chaser goes through when getting too close to a level 5 twister: the Joker wants to lose himself in Batman, and in so doing, have Batman be lost as well. (Joker Poster – “Bats” can be found with our other Posters.)
In that case: nice try with those covers, but no cigar. Batman doesn’t lose anything from the Joker winning some of the time, because that is not representative of the relationship that they have as characters. Barbara Gordon was dealing with PTSD from her encounter with the Joker when I last read her, and rightfully so. I think that’s what the woman who had her Twitter handle but not her picture erased was trying to say: there is a double-standard in how female super heroes are treated vs. how male super heroes are treated in comics. You can’t show me a cover of Batman being reminded of that time the Joker took his power away—because that never happened to Batman. But it did happen to Batgirl, and in a Batman book.