Nerd Rant: the 10 greatest superheroes WITHOUT any super powers
So at movie night a couple weeks ago my friend showed Kick Ass. This movie is a favorite of mine. I didn’t bother to review it as it has been seen by pretty much everyone I know and most likely everyone reading this blog, but it got me started thinking about superheroes who have no natural super powers.
In my humble opinion, these are the true heroes. It’s easy to stop crime when you are bulletproof, super strong, can fly, have x-ray vision, and can melt stuff with your eyes. The real heroes (are all in Afghanistan right now, in my opinion) are guys who could be killed by any random thugs bullet and have to ride a skateboard to the crime scene yet still manage to get some stuff done. Here is my personal list. (By the way, I am going to not list guys who gained super powers from super technology like Green Lantern or Iron Man)
10. Sgt. Rock. This guy was a man’s man, and showed Hitler’s boys what for. Seriously, I think there is a serious lack of military heroes listed in the lexicon of comic heroes. He is a crack shot, dangerous as hell in close combat, and has been shot so many times his dress uniform must look like a grape from all the Purple Hearts on it.
9. Shaggy from Scooby Doo. I never liked Scooby Doo, to be honest. It seemed like all the villains went to an amazing amount of trouble to accomplish over several month what ten minutes and a handful of bullets would do. Also, why was it they always found diamond smugglers in dead astronaut costumes instead of cocaine smugglers in body armor? However, of all the characters on that show I liked Shaggy the best, if only because he was truly a coward but, like a true hero, was able to rise above his terror and do what was necessary. He was the only human character with a true sense of his own mortality. He was also the only one who had the brains to suggest the radical plan of “Let’s get the hell out of here before we all end up hanging on a meat hook.”
8. Nick Fury, head of S.H.I.E.L.D. This man goes to show how far a man with one eye and a smoking habit can go, as long as he has super advanced training, equipment, and a team agents ready to obey every order. Still, very cool character (S.H.I.E.L.D. image courtesy of the Marvel comics t-shirts).
7. Green Arrow. Not only does this guy have no super powers, his technology was antiquated about the time of the invention of gunpowder. Also, it takes super courage to go out in public wearing that Robin Hood feathered cap and Ren Faire beard.
6. Oracle. Barbara Gordan, rendered a paraplegic by the Joker, turned out to be a super information broker and investigator, as well as a computer hacker and date mining expert. It has been said that the pen is mightier than the sword, and in the modern age information is the most dangerous weapon out there, so I think we will see more heroes of her stripe.
5. Big Daddy, Hit Girl, and Kick Ass. I am going to lump these three into one listing as they all come from the same comic and movie. Big Daddy is a fav of mine in particular, especially in his willingness to use any weapon available to accomplish his goes.
4. Brock Sampson. Brock Sampson is so the man. No superpowers, no guns. Just a knife, a pack of smokes, a serious bloodlust, and a ’69 Charger. Also he is a chick magnet (guys who are following my blog for dating advice look at how he interacts with women. Notice how he says hardly anything and kind of ignores them? Take notes, boys).
3. The Punisher. Duh. Frank Castle is the epitome of what a bad attitude combined some military training and seed money can do. Ex-marine, by the way, and there were some great comics of his experiences in Vietnam. Truly great.
2. The Chainsaw Vigilante. This guy is awesome. His stated goal is to convince other heroes wihn no powers to give up the life and return to their jobs and so on. He runs into the Tick, who is nigh invulnerable to his chainsaw justice. I don’t know why I included him, except that he has an amazing costume and name. I wish I could be known as the Chainsaw Vigilante. Of course, for those of you who take offense at me using a minor villain in this list, substitute the Tick’s sidekick Arthur here.
1. Batman. If I were to put anyone else at the top of this list, I would have to turn in my nerd card and then beat myself about the head and shoulders with a garden hose. Seriously, in my opinion not only is Batman the greatest superhero with no powers, he is just the greatest superhero of all time. Mr. “I’m-invulnerable-and-grew-up-in-pastoral-Smallville” Superman can suck it.
That’s it. I think I have another rant in me for tomorrow having to do with my tragic childhood, but the post after that should be more dating advice. As for the who-would-win question from yesterday, I hate to say it but I would have to vote for the Iron Giant. He is bigger than Optimus Prime, is basically a walking cannon, and can self repair. Sorry Optimus.
Todays question is also robotic in nature, if not scale. Who would win: Tweekie (with Dr. Theopolis) versus R2D2.
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The Engine December 17, 2010 at 12:24 pm
For your consideration, you could also add:
The Comedian, arguably an anti-hero but I liked him best out of the Watchmen crew.
Iron Man, whose entry goes without explanation. Ditto for War Machine
Huntress, the only female hero near comparable to Batman.
Black Cat. I read the Amazing Spider Man for years in the hopes of seeing her costume slip just an inch in any direction. I wish my stalkers looked and dressed like her!
Daredevil, my dad’s favorite comic book hero, still he’s cool enough to add to the list anyway. Gotta love heightened senses from loss! I experience the same results with cash as DD does with sight.
Honorable Mentions: Kung Fu, Nancy Drew and Aquaman
R2D2 would arc weld them both new battery holes in less than a minute.
Dave December 17, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Comedian I’ll give you. Iron Man has a suit that gives him super powers, so I can’t include him. Daredevil has super powers in my opinion. Funny that you mention Aquaman. It’s true he has no real powers, but he isn’t really human.