Nerd rant: Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer-a story of exploitation and degradation.
So I was in my local drug store last night and they were playing the usual suspects for the holiday music scene. I don’t have a lot of problems with Xmas carols per se, but after a week of hearing the same 25 songs we heard over and over again last year they tend to start feeling like sandpaper in my inner ear canal. However, there is one song that always bugs me from the first time I hear it and that is Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Here’s the thing. In a way to further alienate myself from 99% of the rest of my high school instead of taking Spanish or French (or, for that matter, a language remotely useful anywhere in the world) I joined about 14 other introverts in taking Latin. The Latin teacher was a sadistic bastard who disliked me intensely and loved nothing more than to watch me and the rest of the class twist in the wind (to this day I still can’t figure out why I stayed with him for three years. Glutton for punishment, I guess).
Anyway, one of the ways Mr. Balak would torture us was every holiday he would take Christmas carols and make us translate them into Latin. Then he would make us stand up in class and sing them for the rest of the class (if you have a fear of public speaking, try singing a holiday song in front of your class in a foreign language. Burn the fear out of you quickly and painfully). It was pretty bad, although in retrospect not as bad as translating and singing fast food jingles in Latin. Remember “Two all beef paddies, special sauce lettuce cheese”? I do.
Whoever was highest on Mr. Balaks excrement list got Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer. It was a real pain, as you had to find translations for words like reindeer. Also adjectives like shiny really don’t translate well. In fine tradition I spent most of my three years in the top three of his e-list, so I got saddled with it one year. Needless to say, I spent about a week examining it carefully and am intimately familiar with it. I have spent way too much of my life thinking about it, and over the years I have come to realize how much it sucks.
Think about it. Rudolph is born with a genetic abnormality and his peers mercilessly tease and abuse him for it. He is excluded from participating in their normal day-to-day activities and Santa, the man who should be his protector and advocate, blatantly ignores the incredibly ugly situation and, in fact, enables the abuse with his tacit, unspoken approval of Rudolph’s mistreatment. Then, when his work schedule is jeopardized by inclement weather, decides that, rather than attaching some headlights or maybe adding some kind of instruments to his aircraft (both of which would have cost him money), he will exploit Rudolphs abnormality to his own benefit. At that point the rest of the reindeer “accept” him.
My god! When you think about it, this is like teasing and abusing a man born with no arms or legs. Then, when there is a huge leak in the local damn, using him to plug the hole with his body. Then you buy him a pizza to thank him. Really, could this be any worse?
Anyway, this thought gets on my mind every year, and I’m glad to finally have a venue to talk about it.
So in answer to the yesterday’s who-would-win is, of course, R2D2. Tweekie just doesn’t possess the motor skills (hah) or upper body strength to actually damage R2D2, and Dr. Theopolis is really just another ablative layer between Tweekie and the great scrapyard in the sky. R2 would just arc weld them into a bronze puddle. Also, R2 can fly.
Today’s question is vehicular in nature: the helicopter from Blue Thunder versus the helicopter from Airwolf (Airwolf image courtesy of the TV show t shirt category).
P.S. The first line of Rudolph in Latin is Rudolpho, rheno rubear. Now you know.
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