Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 3: tranlating online post speak into English
Before I get into the dating advice, I have to tell you about the greatest online comic book ever: Axecop. It is about a cop who uses an axe, and is written by a five year old and illustrated by his 29 year old brother. Truly amazing.
So we are exploring the mysterious and (to be honest) dangerous world of online dating. I think I will for the next several posts list some phrases that are relatively common in online profiles and then translate them into English. This is so you know what to look for and also what to use or not use on your post. To keep it interesting for my female viewers for each post (where appropriate) I will for each listing translate both the female and male usage. A lot of these will probably by physical and kind of insulting, so please don’t hate on me.
“A few extra pounds.” For women a few can be translated into anything from 3 to 47, but usually ends up in the 15 to 20 pounds overweight. This is the phrase women use when they know if they really buckled down and ate less and exercised more they could get back to their fighting trim in a matter of weeks. Men who describe themselves as this weight are typically 10-15 pounds overweight and have been so for the last 10 years. They usually don’t show it so much.
“Curvy.” For women, this usually means a large bust and a huge ass. No man should ever use this phrase.
“Brawny.” For women, lesbian. For guys, fat.
“Rubenesque.” This is a girl code word for fat. She is hoping the guys are too dumb or ignorant to know what this means, so odds are she has little respect for men as well.
“Husky.” This is less a guy code word for fat so much as it is a guy self delusion that they are not fat. Guys who call themselves husky are in serious self denial with regards to their weight, and are also inevitably convinced that they are about 80 times more fit than they actually are so some amusement can be had by asking them to run around the block or do a push up or something. (Homer image courtesy of the Simpsons t shirts category)
“BBW.” Ahoy, Captain Ahab! Your search is at an end. Actually I have respect for women who are comfortable describing themselves this way, as they are cool with having their own personal postal code. Not that I would date one. Note for women, guys who describe themselves as being into BBWs generally have some serious mommy issues.
“Athletic.” For women, this means never ending yoga, running, and a ton of fitness. Generally these women teach spin classes or something. All good, but you had better be cut from the same cloth or she will walk out of the first meeting without even giving you a handshake. For guys, this usually means he played football in high school and still hasn’t come to grips with the fact that he sits on his ass 22 hours a day.
“Fit.” For women, this is very similar to athletic for men. She played high school volleyball and still does yoga a couple times a week but spend most of her time behind a desk. Likes to hike on the weekend. Oddly enough, for men this generally means more actually fit. These guys tend to run a few days a week and hit the gym regularly.
“Very fit.” Generally very good for both sexes. This description is one where it means more or less the same for both sexes. These people tend to be the ones who yell at you for being in the wrong lane as they pass you on their $12,000 road bike on a 50 mile ride. They also tend to be real type A personalities and painfully uptight.
“Muscular.” Or body builder. Very rare for women, but if you meet one be prepared for a deep voice and the potential of facial hair. For men they tend to be freaking huge (except where it counts, if you catch my double entendre). Regardless of men or women, if you date this person be prepared to be the submissive in the relationship. Men in particular tend to be controlling roid-fueled rage-o-holics.
That’s it for tonight. Tomorrow we’ll get into more of the personality catch phrases.
Yesterday’s who-would-win question was Xena versus Buffy. I think I am going to have to go with Xena, just for build alone. Also, while Buffy was born to be the Slayer, Xena spent her childhood training to be a warrior while Buffy was training to be a cheerleader.
For today’s question I am going to indulge myself with a simple match up: who would win-Spock from TOS versus any single character from Star Trek Next Generation except Q?
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