Nerd Movie Reviews

Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 4: tranlating online post speak into English

More fun to be had with understanding online date speak (Odeak?).

“Low maintenance.” For women this always, always means high maintenance.  If she is aware of it enough to deny it that means she has been accused of it in the past.  Guys never use this phrase, but often when they say they are “looking for low maintenance” that usually means they are looking for high maintenance.  When these two people meet it  is one of those weird situations where two wrongs make a right (or two lies equal a truth).

“Great personality.” For men or women, this usually translates into a mediocre personality riddled with massive self esteem issues with regards to looks, often times with justification.

“Type A personality.” Uptight.  Neat freak.  Most likely obsessive compulsive disorder.  Probably organizes his or her skull collection in the basement by size.

“Type B personality.” Trailer trash slob.  Seriously, make sure you have had a recent tetanus shot before headed over to his or her residence.

“All or very natural.” For women, this always means a hippy dippy granola chick.  Ironically, they are among the biggest pains in the ass to date, in spite of how easy to date they claim to be.  Be prepared to find out more about your heart chak’ra than you ever wanted to.  For men, this either means his last girlfriend was granola or he is a massive Burning Man fan.  In all cases be prepared to smoke a lot of pot.

“Easy going.” For women this almost always means a pain in the ass to date.  For men this usually means unemployed.

“Just looking for fun.” For women this means she is secretly afraid she is not fun.  Also these girls are usually the ones who are planning the marriage on the first date.  For men, this ALWAYS means they just want to hook up for casual sex.  Date this guy and you can look forward to “Hey, what are you doing” texts at 1:30 am.

“I oNly TalK lIke tHiS!” For women, this usually turns out to be a Russian mail order bride service.  For men, this is the guy who buys a Honda Civic and spends $20,000 turning it into a street racer and then sells it for $500 less than he paid for it.

“Self employed.” Unemployed.

“Work for a non-profit.” For women, if she is hot odds are she is looking for a rich, altruistic husband.  If not so much than she is probably another granola chick.  For guys, this usually means they are looking for a wife of any stripe.

“Medical professional.” This never, EVER means a doctor.  Usually a nurse, but can also be a receptionist, lab technician, or orderly.  Doctors will usually just say doctor.  (by the way, I have dated a few nurses, and they inevitably only talk about two things; sex, and disgusting work stories usually involving something vile spurting out of somewhere.  If you can stomach the stories go for it).  Also if it is a guy who is a nurse he secretly hates himself and has serious issues with women.

“Recently out of a long relationship.” Do you feel you don’t have enough pain and suffering in your life?  Than this is the person to date.  If it is a woman than be prepared for long, excruciating stories about every conversation she had with her ex EVER followed by a bad case of blue balls when she says she is not ready for intimacy yet.  If it is a guy you will get to listen to all the same stories followed by a ham handed attempt to sleep with you to salve his need for revenge on women where he will inevitably call you by his ex’s name.

“Love to play.” For women, this usually means they are afraid they aren’t sexual enough.  For men, you can translate this into “Super Horny.”

“Love cats.” For women, better find out how many cats she owns before meeting her.  Don’t forget my “more than two cats” rule.  For men, either this guy is trying hard to show how sensitive he is or you mistakenly clicked on the “Men seeking Men” button and haven’t realized it yet. By the way, I have no problem with gays.  In fact, some of my advice may well help them.  Also, every gay man out there means one less guy I need to compete with for the straight women, so more power to you, brothers.

That’s it for now.  More of the same next post.

As for my question from last post, who would win; Spock versus any of the TNG characters except Q I have to side with my man Spock.  Sorry, but there isn’t a character on there who can match him physically or mentally except for maybe Data, and even he would fail to Spocks combined physical prowess and mental acuity.  (Spock image courtesy of the Spock t shirt category)

I am really in a Star Trek mood lately, so for today I will pitch Worf from TNG with Bat’leth versus Sulu with fencing foil.  Who would win?

Tags: online dating advice, Spock t shirts