Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 7: translating online post speak into English
This post I will translate what people claim to do for a living into real language, as well as comment on what you can expect if you date this person. Before I get into this understand that, at least for men, people with high paying jobs or who are wealthy really have no need to go to a dating site to meet women, so if there is someone claiming to be a doctor or stockbroker probably has some serious issues along the lines of lost his fact in a tragic belt sanding accident. If you are looking to meet a doctor, go to a hospital.
Teacher. For some reason I have dated a lot of teachers (what did your mom do for a living, Dave? Thank you, Dr. Freud), although not so much lately. They tend to be pretty stable, with few annoying habits and plenty of free time on weekends and summer. They also have no gray area when it comes to kids; either they love them or hate them. When a teacher posts online it typically means they are sick of dating other teachers, so if you are one best you should move on. For men, this guy usually falls into the hates kids camp. However, they tend to be pretty reliable, loyal, and while they don’t have a lot of money coming in should be able to one day buy a house and retire. For women they also tend to be the same, except they all inevitably “love to travel” and once in a while you will meet one who is a freak in bed. Something about having to be so proper all day, I guess.
Medical Professional. This is a term people use to try to trick you into thinking they are a doctor. They are not. Doctors say doctor. This person is at best a nurse, probably an orderly of some kind or at worse the guy who mops up the bio-hazardous waste or works in the kitchen. Sometimes pharmacy. The thing about being in the medical profession without being a doctor is you tend to get your ego punched in the stomach every day by pretentious, overbearing doctors, so if you are looking for someone you can dominate in a relationship this might be the person for you. Also, most of them hate doctors, so whatever your lame job is it will probably look more appealing. For women this person is usually a nurse, so you can expect to talk a lot about either sex or disgusting work stories involving having to clean up something truly repulsive or changing an adult diaper or bedpan. On the other hand, they tend to be pretty horny. For guys this is more often an orderly, which is the medical equivalent of a pizza deliver guy except they don’t make tips.
Medical examiner. The one exception to the no-doctors-online rule is the medical examiner. I’ve never met a female one, so I will not comment on what it is like to go out with one. From what I have seen second hand male mortician actually tend to know some of the funniest jokes you have ever heard, especially if you like gallows humor. If you have a darker side, love vampires or zombies, and/or want to creep out your friends by all means date this guy.
Lawyer. Lawyers are interesting. Usually they are so busy with work that you will be lucky to see them one evening a week, if that. They also, for the most part, hate their job and life but spent so much money on school that they cannot afford to do anything else. For women this seems especially true, as I have dated a few and they all feel frustration about their life. They also tend to have little interests outside of work and working out, so whenever I date one it tends to be a painful struggle to find something to talk about beyond the whole trying-to-remain-true-to-your-nerd-self-while-talking-to-a-woman thing. For men this never, ever means a rich corporate law guy. This is usually a public defender or ambulance chaser. I don’t date men, so I can’t comment too strongly on this, but from what I have seen these tend to not be the most loyal on the planet. On the other hand even a poor lawyer can afford a nice evening out.
Business owner. Take it from a business owner, this is never a Fortune 500,000 company. For men, the best case scenario is a guy who has his own tech service fixing computers and networks. These guys tend to be pretty geeky and therefore fun to date if you are a geek, but they also tend to work a lot, especially at night. At worst this guy owns a failing Play it Again Sports and is a few months away from going back to work as a sanitation engineer. In either case the problem with these guys is there will be good months and bad months. One month he will be rolling in dough and the next eating Top Ramen. For women this somehow always ends up being owning a bead shop somewhere. Don’t ask me why. They tend to be kind of fun and have more free time than guys who own shops, but they also tend to be pretty uninclined to hit the gym, if you know what I mean.
Of course, it goes without saying that if the business owner happens to be a guy with a website that sells nerd t-shirts and writes a hilarious dating advice blog than he is not only fun and entertaining, but also sexy and virile as hell. You should probably sleep with him as soon as possible.
That’s it for now. More tomorrow. By they way, I just reread my last post and think it’s one of the best I have written, so if you didn’t read it go back and do so.
For the last posts who-would-win, I would have to bet on the half squad of Stormtroopers beating the full squad of Sandmen. Better combat training (although Stormtroopers seem to be missing the part of their training that would teach them to hide behind cover or maybe even duck down), better weapons, and better armor. Not to mention they are about 1,000 times cooler. The numerical superiority of a full squad of Sandmen would not make up for that. (Stormtrooper image courtesy of the Star Wars t shirt category)
For today the question I cross genres to ask who would win, Donkey Kong versus Mecha-Godzilla?
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