Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 17: the first email
OK, last night at bad movie night we saw Unbreakable, which I actually like a lot, so I don’t feel the need to bitch about it. Back to the dating stuff.
You have filtered through a large number (I hope) of postings and used my advice to interpret some of the info and photos posted. You have selected one who seems interesting, attractive, and real (by that I mean she is likely an actual human being, not some Easter European scam artist or someone offering you money from a Nigerian prince. Use your brain. Why would a woman who looks like a super model need to find guys on a web site?). Time to send that critical first email. What to include in this magical missive?
The fact is, most women who are even remotely attractive will have their email inbox blow up like a 300lb guy stuffed into a size 6 wetsuit. The bottom line is you have to really stand out in some way, and do it within the first three lines of the email as if you have not she will stop reading. The easiest way to catch her interest is with a hot photo of yourself, but unless you have some major speech or personality disorder bordering on dysfunctional yet still look stunning I would be willing to bet you don’t have any of those based on the fact that you are reading this blog for dating advice and not working as an underwear model. However, know that a photo or lack thereof is the first filter most women use to separate the wheat from the chaff, so if you don’t send a picture you can more or less guarantee not hearing back from her.
Honestly, this is just another version of the pick up lines I talked about several months ago and you can readily apply most of those rules to this situation. I have found my best bet is to go with observational humor. Since you aren’t experiencing a common situation to observe you can only make a joke about the one thing you have any information on: her. Examine her listing and look for something unusual or odd that she has an interest in. Make a joke about it that is funny but not too mean. If you can crowbar in a depreciating comment about yourself that works too. This is a great move in that it shows her how funny you are and more importantly that you actually read her post and aren’t just spamming every human with two X chromosomes you can find. Here are a few examples (not necessarily good ones, but you can get the idea).
She says she likes water polo. You say “I tried water polo once but my horse died”
She loves dancing. “I love dancing, but I have to warn you I dance like a big white guy” This really only works if you are actually a big white guy.
She loves to cook. “I don’t cook much. The best thing I can make is a good reservation.” This works because if she really likes to cook she will want to cook for you. Never pass up on a free meal, especially at her place.
The last trip she took was to France. “Rumor has it there is a place in France where the ladies wear no pants. Would you care to comment?”
She says she loves cats. “I like cats quite a bit myself, but as a rule don’t date anyone who owns more than two.”
Anyway, you should get the idea. Even if she is kind of offended a little she will be intrigued by the bad boy who makes fun of her interests and want to meet you. Either that she will just delete your email in a huff and you are spared the pain of dating a humorless uptight prig.
Also be sure to say something about yourself, but not a lot. Remember that whole “Familiarity breeds contempt” rule I listed under opening conversations. That rule holds even more true here, as she will be making gross generalized assumptions about you based on minimal actual evidence. Here is an example of what I would consider a decent opening email.
“Hi (her name here). I saw your listing on (whatever dating site) and found it intriguing (<–this is a good word to use. Everyone likes to think they are intriguing). I noticed you are into (whatever hobby she listed here that you actually have tried or at least know a little about). I love (that hobby) as well. I also noticed that you like (whatever weird thing you are going to bag on). I once tried it but (insert witty joke here).
I am (insert marital status, orientation, race, age, and gender here, preferably in letter form such as SWM) and am into (whatever hobby doesn’t make you look like a weird introverted geek). I think it would be cool to chat and get to know you a little more. I have included a photo of me at (whatever event you took the photo of. I would say a relatives wedding usually works really well. Not a Star Trek convention). I am the one on the (side) wearing the (specific clothing). Let me know if you are interested. I can be reached by (email or IM service. No phone number or she will think you are a potential stalker). Talk to you soon.
(Your name here)
P.S. (Additional innocuous joke of some kind)”
That pretty much is the formula. Of course vary it a bit. Mix it up. Then, once you have sent that, go back to your dating service and send out about 20 more every day until you get a girlfriend, as odds are very high that you will never hear from her. However, if you send out 10,000 emails and get one girlfriend you are ahead of the game. Also, wrap this up by about 8pm and try to go out and meet a girl in person. Don’t get all (or more) introverted and agoraphobic.
That’s it for today. More on online dating tomorrow, unless I find something else to talk about.
Yesterday’s question, Jayne Cobb versus John McClane, has kind of thrown me for a loop as I happen to love both characters. Also I think they are really evenly matched. However, I believe Vera has both the range and the hitting power to outshoot the MP5 McClane had in Die Hard, so I am going to have to bet on Jayne in a close match. (Jayne image courtesy of the Firefly t shirts)
For today let’s get historical. As any fan of Fight Club knows, given any historical figure to fight Tyler Durden would chose to Abraham Lincoln. Who would win?
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