The 10 Scariest Clowns of All Time
So last week Jason was giving me crap for being scared of clowns when he was talking about the new Twisted Metal movie. Personally I don’t really see this as a weird phobia or mental condition at all. For any rational, thinking person clowns are freaking evil! Although not as evil as their horrible cousins, mimes, they cause mayhem and despair wherever their tiny little cars and giant shoes go (by the way, if you happen to agree with me join the I Hate Clowns movement).
Fear of clowns is scientifically called coulrophobia, but I call it having a brain and survival instinct. I thought I would try to prove my point to Jason and all the other people who think I am weird for this and list my 10 Scariest Clowns of All Time.
10. Ronald McDonald-I think the first time I realized how evil clowns were was when I was a kid and visited a McDonald’s. Out front they had a park bench with a statue of Ronald with his arm out so you could sit down and take a picture like a moron or something. My friend sat there and all of a sudden I got the creepiest feeling ever. In looking back as an adult I realized that the pose and look was straight up child molester. However, if you want to count the evilness of clowns based on how much damage and despair they have brought upon the world, from a dietary point of view Ronald McDonald is the Hitler of clowns. How much garbage has he helped shovel into the waiting maws of future obese diabetics?
9. Violator from Spawn. The fat clown that turns into a horrid demon was bad enough in the movie, but trust me when I say he was way worse in the comic book.
8. the Joker-I am of course a Batman fan and the Joker is my second favorite villain (Two Face is my first). However, part of the reason he is such a good villain is he is horrible! I don’t care which one; Jack Nicholson, the cartoon, the comic, Heath Ledger, even Cesar Romero from the TV show. They are all scary as hell. (Joker image courtesy of the Batman T-Shirt category)
7. the clown doll from Poltergeist-ugh. Thank god I never saw this movie as a kid. I never would have slept again. This clown was scary as hell, kept showing up in unexpected places, and never spoke. Plus, it was a clown.
6. Sergio from the Last Circus-I don’t think any of you saw this Spanish film, but if you do and don’t suffer from coulrophobia, you will. In my mind clowns are scary sociopaths anyway, and to see one that actually is a sociopath is god awful.
5. the zombie clown from Zombieland-this is a nice convergence for my best friend and I. You see, I fear clowns and he fears zombies. Works out nicely. I think part of the reason I loved this movie is the main character shows the rational sense to have a healthy fear of the “c” word.
4. Captain Spaulding from the Devil’s Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses-Rob Zombie learned early on how well clowns work in horror films with Halloween and put that experience to good use when he created this character. Talk about messed up.
3. the clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space-not only are they clowns, but they are from outer space, have huge freaking clown heads, and are here to capture humans in order to encase them in cotton candy and drink their fluids with a crazy straw! I saw this movie at a friends house and I think my hand print is still impressed on the armrest of his couch.
2. Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal-yes, Jason used to make me play this game and always force me to watch the intro showing how Sweet Tooth came to be. Can you imagine anything scarier than a clown with glowing red eyes and flames for hair driving an ice cream truck armed with enough guns to sink a battleship? Well, actually I can since Sweet Tooth is only number 2 on my list.
1. Pennywise from Stephen King’s It-no, not the band. Only the scariest clown in the history of the universe, who spends his times killing children and not with laughter. Seeing this guy on screen might have been what pushed me over the top from being kind of creeped out by clowns to full blown terror.
Sorry, but Patch Adams didn’t quite make the list, although it was close. That’s pretty much it. I think I am going to see an indy film tonight, so look for a good review tomorrow. I need to go have a couple drinks and punch Jason in the head for making me relive all this. Post comments here or follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. You can also email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
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