The Family Movie Review
Dysfunctional.
I guess I can finally say that my appreciation of Luc Besson as a film director is at an end. True, he has done some decent films. Three to be precise. 
The Professional, Fifth Element, and Taken (Fifth Element image courtesy of the Sci Fi T Shirt category). However, pretty much everything else he does is stupid schlock, lacking in anything beyond guns and explosions. Taken 2 was an embarrassment, Colombiana a chance to show what what happens when you really just want to masturbate to your leading lady, and Lockout the perfect opportunity to show the world he never took physics in high school. Some people might argue that the Transporter was a decent series, but I just see it as car porn (sorry Liz).
I suppose that one could just take the fact that all his recent movies have sucked as a sign that Luc emptied his good movie magazine early in his career and is left with only some practice rounds and an unlimited supply of spitwads. Unfortunately this cavalcade of mediocrity has forced me to look again at my beloved three movies with a more critical eye and note the lame “Bessonisms” in each that had previously flown under the radar. (WARNING: if you are a fan of Luc’s earlier work skip ahead a couple paragraphs. I don’t want any responsibility for ruining these films for you)
Remember in the Professional how Leon opted to bellow madly at…nothing just after shoving Mathilda and his plant down the vent shaft? Remember how it sounded like he was about to go on a mad rampage only to lie among the corpses? How about how evil for no apparent reason Gary Oldman was? If I were reviewing that movie there would be a black hole for that. Evil for evil’s sake is a lazy filmmakers tool. How about the death of the kid, or the teenie bopper sister? Killing a kid to give a character motivation is pretty ham handed. The movie is still great but like a weird mole being the early warning sign of melanoma these little glitches were the seeds that would later grow into a spreading plant of lameness, destined to occlude the entire screen. If you look at the Fifth Element you can see things like love being the fifth element, or Mr. Zorg (Gary Oldman again) also being evil because…? It advances the plot? Again, great movie but you can’t help but look back and see warning signs.
I guess Taken is pretty flawless. I don’t have any issues there, at least until the sequel surfaced like a bloated corpse finally rising to the surface of a murky scum covered pond.
“So what’s wrong with the Family, Dave?” I’m glad you asked. There are a few problems, but main issue is the main character, Giovanni Manzoni, with whom we are supposed to identify and care about, is the most reprehensible human on the planet. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for a character whom I just saw lower a man live into a vat of acid, or beat a hapless plumber almost to death for trying to gouge a little, or drag a corporate executive behind my car for (maybe) causing the local water to turn brown. The movie starts off with the dead body of a fish seller being hauled out of the trunk and buried in the back yard for selling some less than fresh lobsters. Giovanni in all ways acts like the villain, whereas the actual villains are barely present. We are expected to like him because he is Robert DiNiro and is trying to do some comedy, but that all drains like water from the pocket of your swim suit when you see him plant a homemade bomb and all you are left with is an unrepentant multiple murderer, torturer, and all around serial criminal who’s only regret is he is not still back in Brooklyn killing people.
I suppose some sympathy could be generated for the family, but honestly there is no actual dynamic going on and they are all four identical in character. When you see a family drama featuring contentious Italians the natural expectation is that they will have different personalities and fight like cats and dogs but in the end show they love and support each other when faced with a common enemy. In this film they get all get along famously, saying how much they love each other constantly and never really even have a disagreement. The wife nags Giovanni a bit but really that’s all. In addition they are all three in their own way reprehensible: the wife blows up a grocery store and possibly kills a half dozen innocent people because the shopkeeper was rude, the girl in a classic sociopath who revels in beating the hell out of other students and the seduces the substitute teacher (remember all that skin crawling pedophile romance in the Professional? I guess statutory rape is a thing for Luc as he has another episode in this film), and the son is a classic racketeer who dreams of following his father into a life of crime. I had a hard time caring about any of them, and my sense of moral outrage secretly hoped they’d all get some kind of punishment.
Then there’s the fact that this was an attempt at comedy. Here’s the thing. A movie needs to have tone. Tone is what tells you the movie is about. The Godfather is about a mafia family that kills people. You don’t have any slapstick comedy going on. Ace Ventura is a comedy about a guy who investigates animal crimes. You don’t have a horrific torture/murder scene. It’s true that some movies mix a little comedy into the drama, but like adding the right amount of salt to a cake you need a finite amount and a delicate hand. In a film like this it’s hard to laugh at a funny scene when you just saw a hit man execute a completely innocent family, or cut someone’s finger off. It’s jarring and hurts your brain. The comedy isn’t funny and the drama isn’t serious.
Another problems in spite of the fact that Martin Scorsese somehow got roped into being a producer in this film and they actually show the movie Goodfellas to Giovanni’s character in the film it seems pretty apparent that Luc Besson has never watched Goodfellas. Remember at the end of the film whan Henry Hill is living like a schnook in Bumblef$*@ Arizona as part of the witness protection program, and how miserable he was? Well, Luc took that and decided that what the Federal Witness Protection Plan really does is take families and move them into fabulous villas in Normandy, supporting them all the way. If I could be moved to the south of France as a reward for being a snitch sign me up. Also, the program has to turn a blind eye to the fact that their star witness (who, by the way, seems to do nothing by way of testifying) is still a murdering sociopath. It’s again jarring and took me out of the theater.
There are a few other issues, but I have things to do and I haven’t even started on the story recap. The movie starts off with the Manzoni family-now renamed the Blakes-travelling across France to their new home in Normandy. Giovanni (Robert DiNiro-Goodfellas, Meet the Parents, the Godfather) is an ex mobster. His wife is Maggie (MIchelle Pfeiffer-Scarface, Batman Returns, Dark Shadows) and his kids Belle (Dianna Agron-Glee, I am Number Four, Burlesque) and Warren (John D’Le0-Brooklyn’s Finest, Wanderlust, the Wrestler) are with him, along with the corpse of a fish monger. They arrive at their French villa and set up home. Giovanni tells the neighbor he is a writer (oh, yeah. The Luc Besson Witness Protection lets people make up any old story they like) while Maggie blows up a store and the kids raise hell with their new classmates. They family is protected by FBI agent Stansfield (Tommy Lee Jones-Men In Black, No Country for Old Men, Small Soldiers) and two BBS’s (Jimmy Palumbo-Beer League, Man on a Ledge, Margin Call and Dominick Lombardozzi-the Wire, S.W.A.T, Phone Booth).
They throw a big BBQ for the locals and are something of a hit. Giovanni is given the task of finding out why the tap water is brown and does so by putting several people in the hospital and blowing up a local chemical plant (no one presses charges, of course). Meanwhile the mafia figures out where they are and flies to the village, murdering all the local police and firefighters (the yucks are rolling, let me tell you). The whole situation is headed towards a major showdown but instead the big final fight is over in like five minutes with nary a scratch on any of the family, all of whom deserved to have something bad happen to them (the girl is a maybe on that). In the end nothing is really resolved, none of the characters really learn anything, and no one pays any kind of consequences.
The stars:
The Italian hit man was pretty bad ass, and there is a scene where he and the rest of the hit crew get off a train that I thought was really, really good. One star. I can’t fault Robert DiNero for acting. He was as great as he always is. It’s just the script that sucked. One star. Same for the rest of the crew. One star. Dianna Agron is pretty damned easy on the eyes. One star. If you were to cut away all the lame attempts at humor you might have a decent crime movie. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes:
This film couldn’t decide what kind of movie it wanted to be when it grew up: comedy or mafia film. One black hole. The characters were all two dimensional stereotype copies of each other. One black hole. The idea that the FBI can even afford to fly four people to France and set them up in a beautiful villa. Also for the record the FBI has zero power outside of the USA, yet these cowboys were armed to the teeth. One black hole. There is a scene towards the end where Giovanni is tapped as a famous writer in spite of the fact that he is barely literate and has never published something in his life (no one in France has heard of Google?) for a film festival. It is a flimsy excuse to show him Goodfellas and let him spout off about it (the joke of Robert DiNero playing a character watching himself in a movie is not lost on me. I just think it really lame). One black hole. I was never really given a reason to care if Giovanni lived or died (once you see someone lowered head first into a barrel of acid your sympathy for the lowerer dissolves pretty quick (haw!)). The family was marginally better but honestly they could have easily been cast as the bad guys. As a matter of fact it might have been a better film if they had all died in the last fight. Sort of a criminal last stand. Remember how Leon dies at the end of the Professional? One black hole. While I’m on the subject the family escapes without a scratch, no doubt to travel to the next town to blow up, beat up, and murder the locals like an evil A Team. One black hole. Rated R and no nudity. Can you throw boobs like me a boob goddammit? For sitting through your flick I deserve something. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of two black holes, a solid “meh” score. This is the prefect film for one night when you are sitting around with nothing to do but drink beer and eat cold pizza. Not something worth making a big production over watching. Date movie? Another “meh”. I think the issues I had liking a sadistic sociopath might be even harder for most girls. Don’t take the chance. Bathroom break? The clear winner here is the film festival. It’s not only worthless but kind of insulting.
Thanks for reading. I’m lined up to see something else tonight so look for another review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review feel free to post them here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a good night.
Dave
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