The Legend of Hercules Review
You too will want to herc while watching this legendary bomb.
The Legend of Hercules is a singular event in that I can’t recall a film that sucks so evenly in all aspects. Normally a movie sucks in one or more categories such as story, filming, special effects, acting, sound track, action, dialog, casting, or editing but inevitably you find one aspect that it at least didn’t suck as much as the rest of it. Even the worst Nicolas Cage movie still has Nicolas Cage in it to entertain you in the same way slowing down on a freeway to look at a car wreck is entertaining. It’s rare that I can’t find some slightly more positive thing to mention in a shyte movie (“At least the sound effects were adequate. Kudos to the Foley artists!”) to ameliorate the buzzard-like glee with which I pounce on these roadkill scripts.
Not so with this film. The whole movie is in perfect crap equilibrium like one of those balancing rocks in a Road Runner cartoon. If that were the writers and directors intention I would say this film is Oscar worthy. Unfortunately I’m sure it will turn out to be mere happenstance. The weird part of all this is due to the strange balance this film has struck I really wouldn’t ask them to change a thing. It’s like a perfect Zen moment (of the craptastic movie world).
I sometimes think of myself as a diagnostic doctor (or in this case a coroner) of movies and part of my job is to determine what the exact illness (or cause of death) is. When a film has loaded up the suck scattergun and fired it at the movie screen it’s hard to pinpoint the main cause so it usually falls upon either the director or the writer. The director Renny Harlin actually has a couple decent movies under his belt (The Long Kiss Goodnight, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger) so I can’t land the blame completely in his lap (on the other hand he also did the Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Somehow back in 1990 when I watched that movie I suspected it would come back and bite me on the ass again one day) although he did agree to do this film after reading the script. Looks like most of the blame is going to have to land on the writers. Not a lot of credits here, and it looks like on of them wrote Conan the Barbarian. ‘Nuff said.
Like a drug addict tearing apart your medicine cabinet and popping every Vitamin C and baby aspirin in a frenzied attempt to find a fix Hollywood is desperately searching for the next big franchise. You see creating an original movie requires effort, vision, and above all risk (three things that seem to be verboten in most of the film industry these days) but simply writing a sequel to an established franchise can be done by having your cat walk across your keyboard a few hundred times. 
While watching the opening credits words to the effect of “The Legend Begins” rolled across the screen and I sat back in comfort knowing exactly what I was about to see: a lawn dart fired from another time zone hoping to land in the magical circle of franchise success previously only occupied by Harry Potter, sparkly vampires, and Hobbits (Lord of the Fail image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category).
These franchise abortions give me a certain amount of glee. When contenders like the Host, Mortal Instruments, Percy Jackson, the Last Airbender, the Golden Compass, and John Carter all step in the ring only to trip on their own genitalia and fail miserably I secretly rejoice that you, my beloved movie going readers, have had the sense and sensibility to demand quality film. There is an ugly trend in Hollywood in that they seem to think we are all brain damaged tow truck drivers and all we need to be entertained is hot faces and some bad CGI.
However, the happiness I feel from seeing a franchise launch fail pales to insignificance compared to the joy I experience seeing a big budget film hang itself on its own petard. I knew this movie was going to suck just by seeing any one of a) the trailers, b) the poster, or c) the movie title. This film had a $70,000,000 budget and yet the producers couldn’t be bothered to actually sit down and watch it? Can you not afford to hire a good writer for a day to just review the script and tell you how it’s sewage drinking-ly awful? Did you spend all your money on bad CGI and tanning creme? This is proof positive that you don’t have to be smart to be rich. I can name a few dozen people who could come out some a better film on 1/5th the budget (send the remaining $56 million to me. Thanks).
The story. Have you ever read the actual story of Hercules as created millennia ago by the some of the originators of all Western literature and culture? If so hit yourself on the head with a ball peen hammer until you forget all of that as it has no relevance as far as this script is concerned. King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins-the Bourne Ultimatum, Zero Dark Thirty (really? How did you end up here exactly?), the Expendables 2 (oh)) is a Greek conqueror and all around dick. His wife Alcmene (Roxanne McKee-Hollyoaks, Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines, The Expelled) is pissed off at him and prays to Zues to kill him or something (I guess this was the first historical recording of a domestic dispute). Zues opts to “help” her by getting her pregnant (if there are any other hot women out there who are praying for something and are willing to believe that letting some stranger into your pants will solve it email me immediately).
She gets pregnant and gives birth to Hercules. Flash forward 20 years and Hercules (Kellan Lutz-the Immortals, Twilight. Wow. I hate this guy. I was going to feel bad about dumping on his acting but now I feel no remorse whatsoever) has taken time out from his 12 hours a day in the gym and job as the Fake Bake spokesmodel to fall madly in love with Hebe (Gaia Weiss-Mary Queen of Scots, Bianca come il latte, rossa come il sangue (?), La nuit), a princess from nearby Crete. They are out for a PG-13 safe swim and picnic when Hercules’s brother Iphicles (LIam Garrigan-the Night Watch, Blue Murder, Inn Mates) shows up to rooster-block the deal. Hebe heads back in town while Hercules kills the worst CGI lion in the history of film making (I’m not kidding. A stuffed lion with googly eyes and a roaring sound effect when you squeeze it would have looked more real. $70 million? Really?). Iphicles claims credit even though he didn’t do much more than soil his toga.
Amphitryon announces that Iphicles will marry Hebe. Hercules tries to rescue her but they get caught after running into a river. Amp sends Hercules off to a certain death with guard captain Sotiris (Liam McIntyre-Spartacus, Blod on the Game Dice, Ektopos). They are ambushed by mercenaries and are sold into slavery for a gladiatorial game. Somehow they convince their slave owner to enter them into the biggest fight ever and free them if they win. Hercules managed to kill 5 men and trap 1 woman (PG-13 remember). They go free and start a revolution.
Ugh this recount is giving me thrush. Fight, stab, make dumb speech, get lightning super power up from Zues, fight, stab, live happily ever after. Sorry if I just spoiled the ending for you but there is no way you didn’t see that coming unless you grew up on Bizarro Earth.
The stars.
…Nope. I got nothing.
The black holes.
Where to begin? The story was awful and except for the fact that they used the name Hercules had absolutely nothing to do with the source material. I guess the writers read the Cliff Note version of the Cliff Note version of the Cliff Note version of Hercules. “Hercules was the son of the Greek god Zues who fought with a sword and wore a loin cloth. The end.” Two black holes. The editing was done so that the film jumped from scene to scene with the painful abruptness of a slide show composed of the vacation photos of eight different families, a colonoscopy, and stills from three John Waters films randomly mixed together. Don’t misinterpret this as a request for more of this carcinogenic film but it honestly felt like they cut 3-15 seconds off the beginning and end of each edit cut scene. Given that the film only ran 99 minutes (oh god was it only that long? Sure felt longer) that might actually be the case. Horrible. One black hole. The CGI was in general awful. I’m not kidding when I say the opening battle montage had me thinking I was watching the opening cinematographic for a video game and the lion scene was laughable. I honestly think you couldn’t be this bad without purposely trying to suck. One black hole. The weight of the PG-13 rating smothered all the action and love scenes like one of those lead radiation blankets they give you for x-rays soaked in tar, draped onto your face, and then set on fire. I might have given the film a star for having a couple hot girls but honestly you never see anything of interest and they spent most of the film looking like kidnap victims. One black hole. Before the movie started a good female friend of mine who is into muscle guys told me that lead dude Kellen Lutz just isn’t hot and I spent a lot of time in the theater trying to figure out why. I honestly think it’s because his head is too small for his muscly body although the 12 gallons of spray on tan he must go through a day doesn’t help. One black hole. The action was dopey and used that Matrix slow motion at points to pad it out. One black hole. Acting so artificial it made the fake CGI lion look alive. One black hole. As much as the acting problems could be blamed on the actors the dialog was pretty much fighting that fire with napalm. One black hole. The filming was constantly badly lit and you could hardly tell what the hell was going on (in a way that was almost worthy of a star. Kind of a relief really). One black hole. The 99 minute run time felt like 99 hours. I was in serious danger of falling asleep. One black hole. Overall a movie so bad I felt sorry for the dinosaurs who had to die in order to make up the film it was shot on. Two black holes. Total: thirteen black holes.
Well, the good news is I have an early contender for my 2014 worst movie of the year and by comparison the rest of the movies this year would literally have to throw excrement in my face in order to be considered worse. The bad news is this is a bad omen for the rest of the year. Should you see this film? Let me put it this way: given a choice between certain, horrific death and watching this movie you should at least think about it. Like a manufacturer being fined for spilling toxic chemicals into the local drinking water this studio (Millennium Films) needs to suffer for injecting this toxin into our culture and the only way to do that is to hit their pocket book. Of course, I’m sure they will recoup all their money once this film hits China. Foreign markets are the enablers of bad movie making. However, if watching muscled men wrestle, fight, and ride horses in slow motion turns you on then go for it. I would like to note that on IMDB under the category of Plot Keywords the first one listed is “bare chested male bondage” (let it never be said I don’t do my research). Date movie? If you are hoping to cajole your date into attempting to murder you as some kind of frame up this just might do the trick. Other than that hell no. Bathroom break? If by bathroom break you really mean “Go yell at the theater manager until he refunds your ticket” I’d say about ten minutes in. Moot point since if you listen to me you won’t see this film and if you don’t you deserve to wallow in your own filth.
Thanks for reading. As painful as these crap movies are to watch I enjoy bitching about them so I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be posted here, and off topic questions or suggestion can be emailed to [email protected]. I’m still trying to see Grudge Match and then will finalize my best and worst of 2013. Talk to you soon.
Dave
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