Nerd Movie Reviews

Pompeii Review

In a bizarre twist of fate I didn’t hate it.

Years ago I read a sci fi novel that had a lot of commentary about modern American society.  I really can’t remember the name or author but one of the things he talked about was different kinds of porn.  I don’t just mean jerk off material but like someone who enjoyed looking at pictures of food would be looking at food porn, or cars auto porn.  I don’t really remember if he was trying to say something about how we fixate on things or if he was just trying to change the meaning of the term porn, but one of the categories one of his characters was into was disaster porn.

That’s pretty much what Pompeii is.  Disaster porn.  If watching cities get buried under flying balls of liquid magma and flooded by tidal waves flips your switch then you have found your next favorite film.  I’m not even saying that’s a bad thing.  I’ve looked at way too much regular porn in my life to comment on someone enjoying visuals of something that gets them off (unless you enjoyed 2012, in which case you are a total freak).  I’m just saying that this movie will please any disasterphile out there.

I myself am not adverse to watching Godzilla wreak havoc through Tokyo.  This film is pretty much Sparticus and 300 meets Deep Impact so it makes sense that I would find it fun.  In truth I am trying to figure out why I expected it to suck so much more than it did.  Maybe I am still feeling the residual pain of the Legend of Hercules and any film involving bare chested guys with swords is going to have to overcome that hurdle.  Perhaps I was expecting another 2012 or Armageddon.  I don’t know.  I entered the theater expecting to put another notch on my bedpost of movie hate.

I suppose one reason I expected suckitude is the fact that it was directed by Paul Anderson, who kind of specializes in disaster movies if you know what I mean.  Anyone else remember Death Race or the Three Musketeers?  I do, in the same way that an alien abduction victim remembers the sound of the anal probulator powering up.  However the thing I always forget is that as bad as his movies can be they are usually in some dumb way fun to watch.  Sure the Resident Evil films are to entertainment what cock fighting is to animal kindness but you can’t help but be entertained by watching a hot chick in a skin tight leather outfit leap, flip, stab, shoot, kick, and punch her way through hundreds of zombies.

I have to admit I was pleased by how they treated the story the way a girl should treat her skirt: long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep in interesting (my 60 year old female 10th grade English teacher gave me that line.  There are some days when I really miss the 80’s).  Paul Anderson must have taken a film class or something as there was nothing ridiculous about the action, there was no sign of technology that should not exist (16th century monofiliment line, etc), and the story served as a very adequate platform upon which to serve up exploding volcanoes and gladiator fight scenes (“Do you like gladiator movies?”  What movie is that from gentle reader?).  It is actually quite different from almost all of his other movies and since it is one of his best I think Mr. Anderson might take a lesson home from that.

All that is not to say that it is a brilliant film worthy of your adulation and fandom.  It’s no Usual Suspects.  It’s no 300.  It’s no Watchman.  It’s not great or even especially good.  It’s just that it sucks a lot less than most films these days and that puts it on the Worthy to Watch pedestal.

By the way, this film was PG-13 and the stench of that hung about in the theater like I was watching the movie with the 50 finalists of the World Championship Bean Eating Contest, but for some reason it didn’t grind on me that much.  I guess there is a way to do PG-13 that doesn’t feel like your mom just used too much baby powder on your diaper.

The story is pretty basic and my blogs have been pretty long lately so I’ll speed through it.  Roman Senator Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland-Dark City, 24, L.A. Confidential) with his lieutenant Bellator (Currie Graham-Stargate the Ark of Truth, Hitchcock, Assault on Precinct 13) are tearing ass through a Celtic tribe and Corvus orders them all killed.  Young Milo manages to hide and escape only to be captured and sold into slavery.  15 years later Milo (Kit Harrington-Silent Hill: Revelation 3d, Game of Thrones, Greenland Time) is an accomplished gladiator who regularly beats multiple opponents (Gladiator helmet image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).  He is sent to Pompeii join their games.

On the way a coach carrying the beautiful Cassia (Emily Browning-Sucker Punch, Ghost Ship, the Host) runs into a pot hole and one of the horses is injured.  Milo helps the horse feel better before putting it down and he and Cassia fall in love at first sight.  She gets back to Pompeii and is reunited with her father Severus (Jared Harris-Natural Born Killers, Sherlock Holmes A Game of Shadows, Lincoln) and mother Aurelia (Carrie-Anne Moss-The Matrix, Disturbia, Momento).  Also along with her is my future wife Ariadne (Jessica Lucas-That Awkward Moment, Evil Dead, Cloverfield).  She really didn’t do much in this film but I want to mention her because once we are married I plan to live off her acting jobs and therefore need to promote her at all times.  Seriously, even with half her face cut off in Evil Dead I would marry her.  Her beauty is almost enough for me to forgive her for being in That Awkward Moment (almost).

Anyway, Milo gets thrown into the pits and meets reigning champ Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje-The Bourne Identiy, G.I. Joe the Rise of Cobra, the Mummy Returns).  Atticus needs only win one more fight and gain his freedom.  Meanwhile Severus is cooking up some deal to rebuild Pompeii and his number one investor turns out to be Corvus.  Corvus met Cassia in Rome and is using his business deals to blackmail her into marrying him.

Honestly there’s not much more than that.  Cassia loves Milo.  Corvus arranges for Milo to get killed in the arena but Milo survives.  The volcano blows up and at that point it’s a documentary on how many ways there are to die in a natural disaster, plus a chariot race.  The end.

The stars.

The simple plot really worked for this premise.  One star.  I was afraid the lead up to the volcano was going to drag but there was enough gladiator action to keep things interesting.  Actually pacing was dead on point.  One star.  I honestly don’t know how good an actor Kit is, but he can pull off surly loner and that is pretty much what this role needed.  Everyone else nailed it, and of course I am a huge Kiefer Sutherland fan.  One star.  The visuals were pretty stunning.  Even before the volcano blew up they were great, and once it went off Ponpeii was transformed into the 87th level of Hell (reserved for people who insist on using the word “hella”).  Excellent CGI and actual effects.  One star.  The action was at the same time believable and exciting.  One star.  Every scene with Jessica Lucas on the screen was like mana from Heaven.  God she is gorgeous.  One star.  Paul Anderson took couple serious risks with his plot that diverged from the standard Hollywood fare.  I don’t know how that will be received at the box office and will not spoil them but I appreciate the artistic integrity.  One star.  Total: seven stars.

The black holes.

This film could be said to borrow heavily from a bunch of other films but the term you really want to use is “rip off”.  Very derivative.  One black hole.  PG-13.  A little gore and/or nudity would have greatly enhanced the experience.  One black hole.  Total: two black holes.

So five stars.  Not bad.  For me that is at the low end of good.  I would call this film very entertaining.  Worth seeing?  Given the dearth of quality in the first part of this year I would say absolutely, assuming you have already seen the Lego Movie (Lego Pompeii?  The whole world might explode from too much awesomeness).  This is one of those very rare occasions where I will say that 3D might enhance your viewing experience.  Big screen the crap out of it.  Date movie?  Sure.  There is enough of a love story to keep her into it and while there are tons of half naked guys running around most of them look like hamburger so you should do OK in the comparison department.  Bathroom break?  From the moment the final gladiator battle starts until the end of the film there isn’t a scene that doesn’t warrant your attention.  There are a few minutes between when Bellator orders the Arena master to make sure Milo dies and that fight that could be missed, but honestly either hurry or hold it in.  The whole film is only 98 minutes.

Thanks for reading.  I am going to see something so horrible tonight that I don’t even want to type the name as it already is giving me a headache (not to mention causing the worst song of 1981 to play continuously in my head.  I’m sure you can figure out which movie I’m planning to see).  Look for that review tomorrow.  Follow me on Twitter if you want to keep up on my reviews and my ongoing Star Trek discussion.  Post comments here if you saw this movie and either agree or disagree with me.  Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected] (<–Jessica Lucas I hope you are still reading this).  Thanks again and have a great night.

Dave

 

 

Tags: Movie T-Shirts, Pompeii Review