A Haunted House Review
Stupid, childish, offensive, and hilarious.
So I had a choice of this one or the Quiet Ones and just felt in the mood to laugh my ass off. Odds are if I were a more serious reviewer I would have gone for the Quiet Ones but in my opinion found footage horror has pretty much advanced as far as it’s going to go. I do not expect that film to blow my brain in original thought or content.
So I saw this film and it was exactly the kind of awful slapstick rated R hilarity you can expect from Marlon Wayans. There is absolutely nothing of note in terms of message or social note. The humor is crude, low brow, offensive, sexual, and derivative. The story is the barest pretext to move the film from set piece to set piece. The special effects are essentially a PA flicking the lights on and off (the movie had a budget of $4MM and it shows. In truth I think even $4MM is a generous estimate). It is a muddled mass of 3rd grade fart jokes and the t shirts you see teamsters wearing (“I’m not a gynecologist but I’ll take a look”, “FBI: Female Body Inspector”, etc.) and bad sight gags. In fact, it has only one redeeming feature and that is it is fricking hilarious.
Yes I laughed my ass off throughout the film. There is a reason crude humor is still humor and the jokes aimed at taking the pressure off racism were amazing. The cast were to a man or woman funny entertainers and knew how to deliver a punchline. Some of the jokes will have you squirming in your seat (or possible retching a little) but in general you will love it.
I will offer up a warning to anyone on the fence about taking their kids to see this film: it is about as hard an R as you can get without going NC-17. Pretty much every sexual act possible was explored (generally with a puppet, but still), the curse words flew out thick and fast, and every bad behavior possible was shown. 
Normally I don’t feel the need to express this but I saw this movie at 10pm on a Tuesday night and the theater was FULL OF FREAKING CHILDREN! I’m not even talking early teens. I’m talking kindergarteners. I know I don’t have kids and probably should keep my noise hole shut but if you take your 5 year old kid to a 10pm showing of a rated R movie that shows the act of analingus on a school night you are a selfish bastard who’s only qualification for parenthood is fertility. When I conquer the world don’t be surprised if you find yourself wearing a shock collar to keep you from doing stupid crap like this. (the children image is funny but really it should say something about parents. Image courtesy of the funny t shirt category)
Anyway, I supposed I should do a story recap although really, it’s kind of pointless. The story is of Malcolm (Marlon Wayans-Requim for a Dream, White Chicks, Scary Movie) and his cousin Ray Ray (Affion Crockett-Never Back Down, Soul Men, This Means War) escaping from Malcolm’s ex girlfriend psychotic possessed Kisha (Essence Atkins-A Haunted House, Are We There Yet, Half & Half). Apparently this was from the end of the first movie? (Is it fair to for me to review a sequel without having seen the first one? Probably not, although I feel that all movies should stand on their own without a prerequisite. Suck it, Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part II!)
Skip forward a year and Malcolm is moving into a new house with his new girlfriend Megen (Jaime Pressly-Not Another Teen Movie, I Love You Man, My Name is Earl) and her two kids Wyatt (Steele Stebbins-Wish You Were Here) and Becky (Ashley Rickards-Awkward, Gamer, Sassy Pants). Odd stuff starts happening including the dog getting crushed by a safe. Malcolm meets his Mexican neighbor Miguel (Gabriel Iglesias-Magic Mike, Planes, the Nut Job).
He finds some old footage that show an incompetent demon trying and failing to kill the previous family. Becky gets possessed while Wyatt has an imaginary friend who is not so imaginary. Malcolm has sex with a wooden doll (very graphic scene. Pretty much a harder version of the sex scene from Team America) who then ends up stalking him.
Hilarity ensues. Malcolm tries to get rid of the demon haunting him by bringing in psychic team Ned (Hayes MacArthur-the Game Plan, Life as We Know It, She’s Out of My League) and Noreen (Missi Pyle-Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters, the Artist, Big Fish) and then Father William (Cedric the Entertainer-Madagascar, Ice Age, Planes), each with different hilarious results. They jump from ridiculous and funny scene to ridiculous and funny scene.
The stars:
Really, really funny. I spent more time laughing than not. Three stars. Some really good references to current films and TV shows. I especially like the Breaking Bad one. One star. Rated R for this film translates into some great topless scenes. Thank you for remembering that the only reason guys go to see rated R is for massive violence and/or the occasional female breast. One star. In generally a really fun time watching. Two stars. Total: seven stars.
The black holes:
Some of the humor was really off putting or stomach turning. The recurring joke of the creepy wooden doll got really old by the end. One black hole. This film suffers from the same curse that the Scary Movie franchise suffers from in that once you are done watching it you will immediately start forgetting it. There is nothing here that will really stick inside your brain and I could almost hear the flushing sound as my brain started dumping the scenes out of my memory banks. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So a grand total of five stars. Not bad, but ultimately a moot point. If you like this sort of film you will watch it and enjoy it and if you have an underdeveloped sense of humor and think laughing for longer than it would take you to say the word “laughter” is gauche you will not. Use that as your barometer of whether you should see it or not. Nothing in this film requires a big screen so wait until it shows up on Hulu or whatever. Date movie? Probably not, unless she is an avid fan of the Wayans. A lot of crude humor in this film and in my experience that is just ammunition for her to load up her rejection gun with. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but I say that in a good way. All the scenes were at least funny but none of them remotely necessary for your understanding of the “plot”. In fact you could probably see each scene randomly out of order and still enjoy it so go whenever the need takes you. It’s only 89 minutes so odds are you can hold it.
Thanks for reading as always. Naturally I’m going to see the new Spider-Man tonight. I’m both afraid and hopeful. Look for that review tomorrow. Also since big blockbusters like this tend to clear the theaters of other new releases like an unmentionable in a public swimming pool I will be able to catch up on all the films I missed while at Wondercon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be left here and off topic suggestions or questions emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
“the Infamous Dave” Inman
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