A Million Ways to Die in the West Review
Something died on that screen.
I am not feeling good about doing this review. The fact is I love most of Seth McFarlane’s work. Family Guy is awesome and I kind of man-crushed Seth when I reviewed Ted. I even love American Dad (we don’t need to talk about the Cleveland Show). Like a gangster slowly feeling his cement galoshes harden as the movie progressed I had a slow sinking sensation that I was going to have to come home and dump on a guy I really like.
However, honesty is my middle name (unless you are a hot chick, in which case it’s danger. Dave Danger Inman) and I owe it to you, my beloved readers, to tell you my honest opinion and that is this movie kind of falls on its face. There were a few really funny moments but the humor was either amazingly funny or just plain lame with no middle ground. Like a skinny kid and a fat kid on the same teeter totter the massive weight of the lame side kept this film from going anywhere. This issue was not aided at all by the fact that all the best jokes I have seen in about 5,000 trailer showings. Kudos to studio marketing department. I mean that sincerely. They really picked out the best meat for the trailers and left the rest for the carrion (i.e. the audience).
Like I said when I reviewed Ted Seth is really good at writing what are essentially clones of Family Guy but falters when he branches out from his preferred genre. In this film you can almost see him struggling against the restrictions of having to write a story that goes more than 22 minutes and being forced to adhere to some form of continuity. Pacing and editing were serious issues. 117 minutes is an awfully long time to assume you will keep your audience engaged in a comedy. You’re not showing the Lord of the Rings here.
The biggest, weirdest issue however is the casting and by casting I mean casting himself in the role. Seth is a brilliant writer and decent actor but he is just too deadpan to make comedy really pop. This problem was grossly exacerbated by the fact that every singly supporting actor was 100 times more engaging. It was like a contest to see who could steal more of the film from him. Charlize Theron had more passion, Giovanni Ribisi was a much better introverted loser, Sarah Silverman was far far funnier and raunchier, and Neil Patrick Harris emoted more comedy and acting with one angled eyebrow movement than Seth did in the entire film. They each so dominated the screen that this morning I could name each of their characters but had to look up the name of Seth’s. I’ll applaud him for great casting on the rest but really should have made himself the bartender or undertaker.
The jokes were pretty much what you would expect. There was not a bodily excretion, sexual act, private organ, or social mores that went unexplored in the quest for funny, mostly with indifferent results (Explosive Diarrhea shirt comes from the Funny T-Shirt category. It seems apropos for this film). Don’t get me wrong. That humor can be really funny. It just wasn’t in this film. The best jokes were all death or Neil Patrick Harris related. The rest of them failed in timing, incorrect tone, and delivery.
I can honestly say I was expecting a lot more from Seth. This movie feels like vanity pap that somehow comes out as typical humorless Hollywood cliche bull****. Not to say this film was a dismal failure. There were funny moments for sure, and if you hadn’t seen the trailers more than 25 times you would find them funnier. There were about a million little social Easter Eggs hidden away so if you are inclined to parse the crap out of this film you will probably find some true gems. It’s just that I had brought my iPad into the theater with me in order to not leave it in my car and kept thinking “I’m alone in here. I could pull it out and be playing Warhammer Quest while watching this film.” Not a good thought for one of your audience to have.
They story is of Albert (Seth MacFarlane-Family Guy, Ted, American Dad) trying to survive as a coward in the Old West. 
His best friends are Edward (Giovanni Ribisi-Avatar, Saving Private Ryan, Gangster Squad), a shoe repair guy (they failed to use the word cobbler so I will as well) and Edward’s girlfriend Ruth (Sarah Silverman-Wreck-It Ralph, School of Rock, There’s Something About Mary), a filthy, filthy whore. Being Christians Ruth and Edward are saving themselves for marriage in spite of the fact that Ruth does every guy in town for money. This is a really good example of a joke that probably looked great on paper but was so ground into the dirt that only a fine powder remained by the end of the film. The theme of jokes being repeated ad infinitum would continue.
Most of the first act is Albert showing us in word and image how much living in the Old West sucks (a very topical subject these days I’m sure. Also way too much word, not enough picture IMO). He chickens out of a gun fight and his girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried-Epic, In Time, Les Misérables) dumps him in order to hook up with Foy (Neil Patrick Harris-Starship Troopers (Damn, I totally forget he was in that. Awesome), The Smurfs, How I Met Your Mother), the owner of the local Mustachery (the mustache thing was one of the most hilarious parts of the film and in addition to stealing his girl Neil more or less stole the movie).
Meanwhile outlaw badass Clinch (Liam Neeson-the Grey, Taken 2, Non-Stop) and his gang are enjoying their life of crime. He splits up his gang and sends his super hot wife Anna (Charlize Theron-Young Adult, Snow White and the Huntsman, Prometheus) to Alberts town to hide out for a bit. She arrives and meets Albert. He saves her life in a bar fight and she agrees to help him make Louise jealous.
They go to the fair (another funny bit but one that the trailers poached over heavily) and she gets Albert into a gun fight with Foy. They then do a training montage where she teaches him how to shoot. They go to the local dance together and find out they are in love. Naturally Clinch finds out and mayhem ensues. Some guys get shot and a weird ending is pulled out of the ass of a very humorless executive producer.
The stars:
Some really funny parts. One star. Alberts father was especially funny at times and his interaction with him was Seth at the funniest. One star. Neil Patrick Harris was freaking awesome. How about a movie just about him as a traveling mustache product salesman in the Old West? That would be pretty epic. One star. In fact all the rest of the supporting actors were pretty amazing. Two stars. All the women were very easy to look at. I have had a thing for Sarah Silverman for a long time, Charlize is flat out drop dead gorgeous, and Amanda has a face that you just want to put in a frame on you desk to inspire you to be a sexier human. One star. Regular readers might think I’ve lost it giving a film a star based on something Ryan Reynolds did but the fact is he had his best cameo ever. If he could do something similar in his next 200 films I would come to like him. One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes:
For every moment of laugh out loud funny there was about 10 minutes of humor that was the equivalent of dragging a large corpse by its heels for 117 minutes. One black hole. Speaking of 117 minutes this film definitely could have had about 40 minutes cut out of it. Pacing was sub-mediocre and a firmer hand on the editing switch would have been much to its improvement. One black hole. I love you Seth but you were the least inspired and remembrance worthy protagonist I have seen since the entire cast of the Counselor. Odds are you were hit hard by your supporting stars being amazing but you cast them dude. One black hole. This film seems to feel the best way to deliver a mediocre joke is to repeat it several more times. No way that makes even the good jokes go stale. Humor through repetition. One black hole. Camera work seemed kind of lazy. A lot of this film looked more like a remastered Bonanza than a full production Hollywood film. One black hole. Kind of a lazy, slapdash script that by the end of the film just wasn’t that funny. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
So a total of one star. Dead center of mediocrity. I am truly disappointed. I made the mistake of looking forward to this film and should have learned by now that anticipating the good rarely works out well. Should you see it? Probably not, but in a weird way yes. You see this film has been panned globally and grossly underperformed at the box office. However a spike the week after sucking and dying would totally screw with the Hollywood types who track these sorts of numbers. Let’s mess with some marketing departments by all seeing this after all the bad word of mouth gets out there. Nothing better than deconstructing the establishment. Date movie? No. Nothing here for girls, and a lot of excretory humor that will probably have her putting more clothes on, not taking them off. Take her to see Maleficent. Bathroom break? There’s a scene where Albert is packing a bag to get out of town before getting killed and Anna shows up to share her true feelings that is not funny, is boring, and completely out of tone with the rest of the film. Great place to do your business.
Thanks for reading. I think I am going to go see Chef tonight so look for that sometime tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter to see when I post new stuff and if you have comments on the film or my review post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
“the Infamous” Dave Inman
Leave a Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.