Think Like a Man Too Review
I was thinking about number two through most of this film.
Actually, when faced with rom-coms so trite and cliche I often find myself thinking about the movie I one day hope to create with all my fabulous review blog money (amount of money earned from this blog by me to date: -$0.32) which involves a lot of hot girls, fast cars, and machine guns. You can’t see every movie that comes out of the sewage overflow known as Hollywood without picking up a thing or two about what works and what doesn’t (incidentally, any representatives of the sewage overflown known as Hollywood interested in my current project (working title: Hot Girls in Fast Cars with Machine Guns) should contact me immediately).
Let’s talk a minute about Kevin Hart. I don’t have anything against the man. I enjoyed him in Ride Along and generally think he is funny. However ubiquitous does not accurately capture how much we are seeing him in movies these days. He is in freaking everything and yet seems to always play the same character (fast talking egotistical hustler who’s not as smart as he thinks he is). It looks like Hollywood has settled on the go to guy for the African American funny dude but the fact is like Ghost Pepper Sauce a little goes a long way. His one and only character is in serious danger of wearing out its welcome. If, on the off chance you are reading this post Kevin you need to branch out before you get totally type cast. Do a drama. On the other hand this film made a boatload of money so maybe I should just shut up on my career advice.
So this movie managed to bury the needles on both the cliche-o-meter and the crap-o-meter (lots of scatological jokes in this review. Given what I just saw last night I think this is a good example of life imitating art). It was like the producers of the film read every review I have ever written and used a sophisticated computer algorithm to calculate exactly what grinds my gears the most in a bad film and then included every single one of them like a top 10 tribute. Since I have no life let’s go ahead and list most of them, shall we?
- An assemblage cast with multiple trite story lines and no real protagonist to speak of. Kevin Hart was the closest to an actual protagonist but since he was also the comic relief I don’t know where to put him. The stories were all hackneyed After School specials from the 80’s (marrying a single mother, giving up your dream jobs for the love of your life, etc.). At no point was there any sign of a conclusion until the credits started rolling.
- An assemblage cast of characters who are all blandly interchangeable. If it weren’t for Kevin Hart and a couple white dudes I don’t think I could tell you who any of them were. Even now I can’t honestly tell you how many characters there were.
- A sequel who’s producers assume that not only did I see the first one but I wrote a three volume treatment on the film and each character in it. The film starts off like we had just seen an hour of character and story establishment. This sucks when you are dealing with one or two characters and plot threads, but when you have at least a dozen it gets tragically comical. Sorry, but I did not see the first film. I’m even more sorry that the producers don’t agree with me that a film should stand on its own strength and not require pre-class reading.
- A running monolog done by the very same character who is grossly over exposed on the screen in the first place. Monologs are a bad director’s tool to make up for his or her inability to deliver a story. The more it’s used the less competent the director in my opinion. Discovery Channel uses a voice over less than this film.
- A film that should have been rated R covered with PG-13 like a car parked at the beach under the biggest flock of seagulls ever. I think they said the S word once but for the most part it felt like the Teletubbies were doing a rom-com. At one point the crew spends an extended period of time at a topless pool and all we ever get to see is shoulder blades.
- One really excited and entertaining character surrounded by a troupe of Thunderbirds puppets. Kevin Hart was like a superball in a centrifuge while the rest of the cast might have just died in the first act and no one noticed. Even the dorky fat white guy was human Ambien.
- A cast of men who can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Sorry but the dudes in this film couldn’t find enough excuses to take off their shirts. I guess the producers realized that most of the cast had dosed out on horse tranquillizers and opted to go with the only assets they had left (washboard abs). This point was particularly annoying when you look back on my point 5 and the magic of alluring female shoulder blades.
- A film that blatantly rips off other, much better films. Specifically the Hangover and Bridesmaids. They even brought in Wendi McLendon-Covey.
- Pacing and editing from hell. It’s like they took all the scenes they shot, loaded them into a giant shotgun, and blasted them into final production in whatever order they landed. There was something really off about the timing of each cut. Each one felt just a little short. It’s like if you had a clock who’s second hand actually ticked at 0.91 seconds. You wouldn’t notice on any individual tick but over the course time (106 minutes, to be exact) you would realize you are losing 5.4 minutes off each hour. They just all seemed to run in together too closely.
- Ripping off the Three Stooges and morphing them into a single, stupider character (Curly Joe Stooges, not Curly).
It was comical by the time I was done. Like playing a winning card of Bad Movie Bingo (the free square in the middle is “Directed by Michael Bay”). I think I am going to have a hard time with identifying all the characters so bear with me on this recap. By the way, the first movie was based (or inspired) by a book by Steve Harvey, who is some kind of expert on building a great relationships in spite of the fact he has been married three times and divorced twice (or perhaps because of that. I have never been married or divorced and suck at relationships. Go figure).
The story is of Cedric (Kevin Hart-Ride Along, Grudge Match, the Five Year Engagement), a fast talking hustler who does…something (in fact can any tell me what any of these people actually do for a living? I know one guy is a cook and his girlfriend some kind of ill defined media executive who works for Frasier Crane. It’s not really that important but I spent most of the film wondering what all these folks do that allows them to enjoy a fabulous weekend in Vegas) and his crew of buddies Dominic (Michael Ealy-Seven Pounds, Underworld: Awakening, 2 Fast 2 Furious), Jeremy (Jerry Ferrara-Entourage, Lone Survivor, Battleship), Michael (Terrence Jenkins-Sparkle, White T, Baggage Claim), Zeke (Romany Malco-Blades of Glory, Last Vegas, the 40 Year Old Virgin), and Bennett (Gary Owen-Ride Along, College, Daddy Day Care) are headed to Vegas with their assorted wives and/or partners Mya (Meagan Good-Brick, Anchorman 2: the Legend Continues, Saw V), Candace (Regina Hall-Law Abiding Citizen, Death at a Funeral, About Last Night), Lauren (Taraji P. Henson-Date Night, The Karate Kid, the Curious Case of Benjamin Button), Kristen (Gabrielle Union-10 Things I Hate About You, Bring it On, Bad Boys II), and Tish (Wendi McLendon-Coven-Bridesmaids, Blended, the Single Moms Club) for a wedding and bachelor/bachelorette party.
(By the way, see how annoying that last paragraph was? Assemblage casts suck)
One of the guys and one of the girls are getting married (I’m pretty sure it’s Micheal but couldn’t swear to it. For the bride I’m going to guess Candace but honestly it could have been any of them except Wendi McLendon-Coven or Meagan Good, whom I am still in love with since Anchorman. Game over image courtesy of the funny t shirt category) and they are all going to go cray cray the night before. Cedric has booked the most fabulous suite in Caesars Palace under the mistaken belief that he is paying $4k a night rather than $40k (again, even at $4k a night what does he or any of these mooks do for a living?). The bachelorettes get saddled with the future mother-in-law in Miss Loretta (Jenifer Lewis-Cars, the Princess and the Frog, Hereafter) who apparently has taken the overbearing stepmother stereotype and weaponized it.
The two parties split up and start running down the bad Vegas bachelor party check list. Lose money gambling, check. Drinking, check. Strip club, check. Getting arrested, check. The girls ditch Loretta by hooking her up with Uncle Eddi (Wreck-It Ralph, Heat, Kung Fu Panda 2). The dudes decide that the cast isn’t full enough with bland, boring jackasses and bring in two more bozos Isaak (Adam Brody-the Ring, Jennifer’s Body, Mr. and Mrs. Smith) and Terrell (David Walton-Burlesue, Fired Up!, About a Boy) who proceed to contribute both jack and squat to the story. In a truly original rom-com innovation the planned wedding gets ruined but a magical last minute ceremony is put together with the help of some random bit character, thus saving the day.
The stars:
Funny in parts, and all those parts were Kevin Hart. One star. Meagan Good is the secret unrequited love of my life (well, actually one of many but that does not make my feelings any less sincere). One star. Umm. Geez. This is embarrassing. I can’t think of any more. Two stars.
The black holes:
Assemblage casts and stories truly suck. You can’t get me to give a damn about six different couples in a film. I don’t care about six different couples in my life. One black hole. Any scene without Kevin Hart in it was as interesting and nourishing as eating a box of styrofoam packing peanuts. One black hole. The Kevin Hart voice over was like fingernails on a chalkboard by the end of the film. For that matter why even bother with filming scenes and making a movie if you are just going to have Kevin explain the whole plot like a kid reading a current events article in 5th grade? One black hole. The stench of PG-13 was all over every scene. If you are going to rip off the Hangover and Bridesmaids why not take the parts that actually made those films funny and entertaining (i.e. potty jokes and sex humor with the occasional f-bomb)? One black hole. With the exception of Kevin the acting was as deadpan and emotionless as a convention of licensed real estate brokers. One black hole. That bizarre scene cutting editing style I talked about before was really annoying. One black hole. The gratuitous overuse of bare chested men. Stop treating us like sex objects, ladies. We’re more than a piece of meat. One black hole. What little plot there was sucked and was extremely cliche (not to mention derivative). One black hole. The films assumption that everyone in the audience saw the first one and actually gives a damn about anyone in this film. One black hole. The Loretta future mother-in-law subplot (which might have actually been the main story for all I know) was particularly lame. One black hole. The introduction of completely worthless characters in the second half of the film did nothing but fill up more screen time. One black hole. In general a waste of time and brain cells. One black hole. Total: twelve black holes.
A grand total of ten black holes. Every time I do a really bad film I get eager to see if this one will finally overtake the Legend of Hercules as the worst film of the year but this one falls three black holes short. I guess I need to hold out hope for the future. Best candidates look like the next Tranformers and ironically the new Hercules movie. Go figure. Should you see Think Like a Man Too? Well, it did gross $30 million it’s opening weekend making it a tremendous success (cost $24MM to make) so based on what the public is watching sure. However I cannot recommend it. It is an excrement milk shake in my opinion. Date movie? If you liked the first movie and your date is of a similar mindset sure. It’s PG-13 innocuous so you don’t have to worry about offending her. However don’t forget that something like 90 of the 106 minutes of this film feature one or more of the cast member showing off his great abs so unless you have a six pack I’d say you will suffer tremendously in comparison. Instead why don’t you invite your date over for pizza and DRINK a six pack? Who says I don’t have good ideas? Bathroom break? It’s almost all equally worthless, but the date scene between Loretta and Uncle Eddie is both boring and creepy. Good time to empty your nether regions (and possibly your gullet).
Thanks for reading. I was supposed to see Jersey Boys tonight but the friend who wanted to see it bailed and I can’t find the motivation. I have something to write about tomorrow so look for an interesting blog on my thoughts on modern action heroes. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Please post comments here and if you have off topic questions or suggestions email them to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
the Infamous Dave Inman
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