The Identical Review
That is, a review of the movie the Identical. Not a direct copy of one of my other reviews.
This may come as something of a shock to you, my gentle readers, but I am apparently not the only person in the world who goes to movies and then writes his or her opinion on whether the movie is good or bad. Lord knows it was a shock to me. It even appears that some of them have somehow scammed newspapers and other media sources into actually paying them money for the service (I’m really at a loss as to how that happens. I can only assume some kind of grift so complex and convoluted that it makes a Ponzi scheme look like a shell game with only one cup). However, do not worry for me as imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and it appears I am being flattered by every paper and web site in the country.
Rather than rail against the injustice of it all I have learned to use all of these lesser reviewers as sort of a bird dog, pointing out easy prey for me to go after (or, more appropriately, like a canary in a mine warning me of fatal fumes by passing out and dying) and when I see a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4% it’s like Commission Gorden lighting up the Batsignal, causing me to change into my super hero reviewer costume (Dickies shirt, jeans, and a “don’t sit next to me” scowl that goes over extremely well in kids animated films and romances) and dash off in my Batmobile (i.e. my silver Crown Vic) to the local theater (I mean crime scene).
So I was really, really hoping for a movie that was so bad it was good. However, this film is a double failure in that it is only just really bad. It is not The Room bad. It is not Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is not even Ice Pirates bad. I’d put it on the badness level of the Warriors Way, a film that started out with some cool ideas and a decent cast but fell on it’s own sword from lack of resources (the main one being decent writers). It has zero originality, zero actual conflict, and a story that looks like it was written by someone who was locked in a room with copies of Great Balls of Fire, Dead Ringers, and a worn out biography of Elvis.
I can honestly say there wasn’t much redeeming in this film. The story was Ass from the Ass Nebula. The acting mediocre in most parts with a few decent highlights (mostly Ray Liotta). The editing and pacing made me feel bad for the blunt brain trauma the editor must have suffered just prior to working on this film. There was a really soulless voice over monolog by the love interest. It was set in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, three decades which should be expunged from the collective cultural memories of America (along with parts of the 80s and 90s). The music made me wish for the good old days of banging rocks together while grunting at each other (you know, folk music). Sluggish and pointless.
But ultimately no so horribly bad that it becomes funny and weirdly brilliant. We will not be going to see The Identical Live. Nor do I believe it was the intention of the film makers to make an epically bad movie. All the elements seem to be pointing towards an attempt to make something halfway decent. Just casting Ray Liotta is a good sign of that. A lot of money was spent on makeup and it was clearly filmed on actual cameras rather than someone’s iPhone. I guess this movie really failed in concept to delivery. In other words someone said “Wouldn’t it be cool if Elvis had an identical twin and he was raised as a Bible thumper?” to which his stoned friends said “Yes”. However when it came to connecting the original concept to a functional script no one could connect the dots, leaving us with half a story told in bizarre vignettes.
The very brief story: during the Depression two twin boys are separated, one growing up with his biological parents and becoming a rock star and one being raised by a preacher and…wanting to become a rock star. It’s presented as a biography of the more boring of the two (the preachers kid) and somehow assumes that celebrity imitators can make thousands of dollars a month 
as a tribute band (I’m sure THE RAWÖNES, the very famous Ramones tribute band from Belgium, will be glad to learn that. Ramones image courtesy of the music t shirt category).
So what was the basic premise, that two twins are raised completely differently and therefore turn into different people, falls apart as the Bible twin basically does his best to become his brother sans all the booze, drugs, sex, and plane crashes. Exciting. Is this film worth seeing? Honestly not really. The idea of two twin brothers at odds seems great but honestly they never really meet nor do they seem to have a problem with each other so where was conflict there? There was some drama as Ray Liotta has an issue with his adopted kid not becoming a preacher too but that is resolved…somehow? Seemed to just fall by the wayside. Decent idea but nothing carries through in the complete package other than a mediocre fictional biography and some really crappy music that all sounds like the same Elvis impersonator (oh, yeah. Looks like the lead actor can’t actually sing so it was bad lip sync a go go). If this is the only movie playing on a long plane flight I hope you brought your tablet and some decent games. Not worth the time and/or money IMO.
Thanks for reading. Going to see the new last James Gandolfini movie tonight so look for that review tomorrow. Have a great night.
the Infamous Dave Inman
@NerdKungFu
P.S. I have a friend of mine doing a bunch of stuff on Twitter and Facebook (she is an expert Facebooker and/or Tweeter) and she is coming up with some interesting stuff. Do that social media thing and see what she is up to while I return to never paying attention to it again.
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