The 10 Scariest Clowns of All Time
So last week Jason was giving me crap for being scared of clowns when he was talking about the new Twisted Metal movie. Personally I don’t really see this as a weird phobia or mental condition at all. For any rational, thinking person clowns are freaking evil! Although not as evil as their horrible cousins, mimes, they cause mayhem and despair wherever their tiny little cars and giant shoes go (by the way, if you happen to agree with me join the I Hate Clowns movement).
Fear of clowns is scientifically called coulrophobia, but I call it having a brain and survival instinct. I thought I would try to prove my point to Jason and all the other people who think I am weird for this and list my 10 Scariest Clowns of All Time.
10. Ronald McDonald-I think the first time I realized how evil clowns were was when I was a kid and visited a McDonald’s. Out front they had a park bench with a statue of Ronald with his arm out so you could sit down and take a picture like a moron or something. My friend sat there and all of a sudden I got the creepiest feeling ever. In looking back as an adult I realized that the pose and look was straight up child molester. However, if you want to count the evilness of clowns based on how much damage and despair they have brought upon the world, from a dietary point of view Ronald McDonald is the Hitler of clowns. How much garbage has he helped shovel into the waiting maws of future obese diabetics?
9. Violator from Spawn. The fat clown that turns into a horrid demon was bad enough in the movie, but trust me when I say he was way worse in the comic book.
8. the Joker-I am of course a Batman fan and the Joker is my second favorite villain (Two Face is my first). However, part of the reason he is such a good villain is he is horrible! I don’t care which one; Jack Nicholson, the cartoon, the comic, Heath Ledger, even Cesar Romero from the TV show. They are all scary as hell. (Joker image courtesy of the Batman T-Shirt category)
7. the clown doll from Poltergeist-ugh. Thank god I never saw this movie as a kid. I never would have slept again. This clown was scary as hell, kept showing up in unexpected places, and never spoke. Plus, it was a clown.
6. Sergio from the Last Circus-I don’t think any of you saw this Spanish film, but if you do and don’t suffer from coulrophobia, you will. In my mind clowns are scary sociopaths anyway, and to see one that actually is a sociopath is god awful.
5. the zombie clown from Zombieland-this is a nice convergence for my best friend and I. You see, I fear clowns and he fears zombies. Works out nicely. I think part of the reason I loved this movie is the main character shows the rational sense to have a healthy fear of the “c” word.
4. Captain Spaulding from the Devil’s Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses-Rob Zombie learned early on how well clowns work in horror films with Halloween and put that experience to good use when he created this character. Talk about messed up.
3. the clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space-not only are they clowns, but they are from outer space, have huge freaking clown heads, and are here to capture humans in order to encase them in cotton candy and drink their fluids with a crazy straw! I saw this movie at a friends house and I think my hand print is still impressed on the armrest of his couch.
2. Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal-yes, Jason used to make me play this game and always force me to watch the intro showing how Sweet Tooth came to be. Can you imagine anything scarier than a clown with glowing red eyes and flames for hair driving an ice cream truck armed with enough guns to sink a battleship? Well, actually I can since Sweet Tooth is only number 2 on my list.
1. Pennywise from Stephen King’s It-no, not the band. Only the scariest clown in the history of the universe, who spends his times killing children and not with laughter. Seeing this guy on screen might have been what pushed me over the top from being kind of creeped out by clowns to full blown terror.
Sorry, but Patch Adams didn’t quite make the list, although it was close. That’s pretty much it. I think I am going to see an indy film tonight, so look for a good review tomorrow. I need to go have a couple drinks and punch Jason in the head for making me relive all this. Post comments here or follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. You can also email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Hey folks.
My name is Jason, and I’m coming on board with Dave as his loyal sidekick, kind of like Robin only not so wimpy (Robin shirt from the Batman T Shirt category). I am going to be posting here reasonably often about nerd stuff I see in order to have this blog do what it is supposed to do and give Dave more time to work on his actual job.
Dave is going to keep on doing all the movie reviews and long nerd rants, and odds are won’t slow down on them. I really don’t have that kind of free time, since I actually have a life, and will be keeping my posts short and sweet. Mostly I will be keeping an eye out for interesting nerd facts about upcoming movies, comic books, and so on. One that I heard the other day has to do with the fact that they are likely to make the Expendables 2 PG-13 instead of R. Big mistake in my opinion, as PG-13 is a recipe for suck. Word on the street (or internet) is that this was a requirement put forth by tough guy Chuck Norris, as he feels the need for kids to see him in all his middle aged glory. Guess what, Chuck? No one young enough to be affected by an R rating gives a rats ass about you. Get over yourself.
Jason
Sherlock Holmes: a Game of Shadows Movie Review
Pretty damned good.
It is always nice to see something decent after being subjected to the film equivalent of a flesh eating virus. Thursday night I dragged myself to New Years Eve, and truly regretted it. Last night I went to see Sherlock Holmes and was reminded that there is still some good in the world (of movies). This movie is in all ways entertaining and exciting, with great writing, dialog, acting, and action.
It is, of course, a grandiose story of Sherlock Holmes, the greatest fictional detective ever (actually, I would claim Batman as the greatest fictional detective ever, but that’s just a personal preference. Batman image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category) and his friend Dr. Watson. They are attempting to prevent the infamous Moriarty from literally destroying Western Civilization.
I’m not going to get too deep into the story, as I spent literally hours yesterday writing up that dumb New Years movie and have a lot to do today, but it starts off with Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.-Iron Man, of course) dealing with the impending marriage of his long time companion Dr. Watson (Jude Law-actually, some good movies here that no one but me likes. The Road to Perdition, Cold Mountain, and Enemy at the Gates to name a few). Meanwhile, he rescues a hot Gypsy fortune teller (Naomi Rapace-the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo et al) who’s brother is involved in a secret plan cooked up by Moriarty (Jared Harris-Natural Born Killers, Resident Evil Apocalypse). They are aided by Holmes’ brother Mycroft (Stephen Fry-V for Vendetta, a bunch of other roles calling for a smarmy over-educated pasty white guy). I expect you all to see this film, so I don’t want to throw too much into this. Stuff blows up, Holmes deduces stuff, and a lot of fairly cool action occurs.
The stars. I know I’m a sucker for English accents, but the dialog couldn’t be more perfect. The language and diction was perfectly in period of the late 19th century England. Two stars. Well written story. Two stories. Excellent performances by literally everyone. Two stars. They did this really cool quick cut sequences thing to show how Sherlock Holmes’s deductive brain worked. One star. There were some shooting and running slow motion action scenes that were really cool. One star. A couple of really cool plot twists. One star. There was a ton of really funny humor seamlessly mixed into the dialog. One star. The onscreen relationship between Watson and Holmes felt really real and genuine. I know this is just a reflection of the excellent acting talents of Robert and Jude, but still it was refreshing to see. One star. Mycroft was outstanding in every scene he was in. One star. So was Moriarty. One star. And two bonus stars for a good movie experience. Total: fourteen stars.
The black holes. This is just a reflection of my own stupidity, but the combination of Robert Downey Jr. fast deliver plus the English accent meant I kept missing what I felt were either funny or plot critical points. One black hole, although that’s really for my slow brain. I felt the whole Dr. Watson marriage and his wife’s character were kind of unnecessary. I don’t think they added much to the story, especially once the wife more or less fell off the screen. One black hole. That’s it. Two black holes.
In the vexing but not black hole worthy, I really only have one and it galls me like a burning coal in my gut to say this, but I honestly think this movie would have been better in 3D. Gah, I can’t believe I just wrote that! I hate 3D. However, there were a number of scenes involving artillery shells, knives, and bullets that would have looked cool in 3D. OK, I said it. I’m going to go flagellate myself after finishing this review in punishment.
So a grand total of twelve stars and my recommendation that you see it in the theater. Some of the epic scenes will lose impact on a smaller screen. Good date movie, as your date will probably be entertained by the clever English dialog. Also she could possibly fill you in on any of the dialog you missed (going to the movies by yourself sucks. Trust me, I know).
Sorry about the short review, but when I like a movie I don’t usually find a lot to write about. I am happy to report that the movie I unleashed all the bile in my life upon yesterday, New Years Eve, tanked horribly and is being counted as a film failure in spite of the celebrity lineup. Well, done, America. You reaffirm my faith in humanity. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Arthur Christmas in 3D Movie Review
Better than the trailer makes it out to be.
I’ll admit, I enjoy cartoons and will see a movie that catches my eye, even if it’s made for kids. I do feel kind of creepy being in a theater with a bunch of children and bored parents, but this was nothing like the last Winnie the Pooh experience. As a rule, when I go to a kids film I sit by myself and don’t talk to or look at anyone in hopes no one notices me.
Actually, now that I think about it, that is my policy for pretty much all the movies I see. My life sucks.
Anyway, I was not really gung ho to see this movie, mainly because the trailers managed to unsell it for me. Another example of failure in marketing. The trailers really made it looks at the same time both sappy sweet and over the top silly. In truth it was neither of those. It was fun, clever, entertaining, and above all well executed. As a rule I suspend my usual star/black hole rating system for kids movies, as dropping black holes on a film designed to entertain seven year olds is a move that would give the Grinch pause. That being said, I honestly wouldn’t have found a lot of black holes to give it. Maybe it’s just a little too polished. Other than that it’s pretty good. It’s no Kiss Saves Christmas, but still fun to watch.
It started off on a bad note, however, by subjecting me and the soft brained impressionable youth of America to a “music” video by girly man/boy Justin Bieber singing a “rock” version of some Christmas carol. Is there anything remotely masculine about that guy? I know he’s like 17 or something but by the time was that age I had been in fights with more guys than I had friends, played football, wrestled, set fire to a shockingly large amount of private property, spent seven months in a Bolivian prison, and had facial hair. The ironic part is he is adored by girls his age while I was the dating equivalent of athletes foot. The other part that drove me nuts was during the video, when they were not performing their “dance” routine, they were treating us to clips from the MOVIE WE WERE ABOUT TO WATCH! Really? Is a blank screen and a cone of silence that much to ask for? Seriously, whoever was in charge of marketing for this film should be taken behind the woodshed and shot.
Anyway, once I got over the suck part and into the movie proper, it warmed up nicely. It is Christmas Eve and Santa is making his run around the world, delivering presents with the help of about 1,000,000,000 elves and a high tech super sleigh that looks like an Apple store threw up all over it. We are treated to high tech Mission Impossible cut scenes as the elves zip line down from the S1 and B&E their way through the world, delivering gifts to good children. Santa is really more of a figurehead, as the entire high tech operation is being run by his oldest son, Steve, a macho guy who runs things with military efficiency and all the warmth and holiday spirit of a roadkill. Meanwhile, his younger brother Arthur, a bumbling klutz, stumbles around messing things up while trying to read all the childrens letters and relate the relevant contents to Santa and Steve.
Steve dreams of being the next Santa (apparently, rather than being an immortal “jolly old elf” Santa is an inherited position, passed from father to son. Incidentally, the current Santas real name is Malcolm. Meanwhile, during a particularly intricate operation, a gift for a young girl named Gwen gets lost. No one realizes that until after everything is shut down. At that point both Santa and Steve kind of blow it off and it’s up to Arthur to deliver the gift. He recruits his grandfather, a former Santa and curmudgeonly old bastard, to help him. They find the old sleigh and reindeer, and head off. They are joined by Bryony, an elf who specializes in gift wrapping. She is actually my favorite character.
Anyway, Xmas chaos ensues. The world is convinced that aliens are invading. Certain characters are reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. You end up feeling good at the end.
Like I said, I won’t do the whole stars and black holes for a kid movie. I will say that 3D, while normally horrible for the average film, works really well for CGI cartoons. The best way to judge a kids movie, IMO, is by how the kids in the theater are reacting to it and in this case they were laughing their asses off. Great movie for kids. It’s clever enough to keep the parents engaged, although I don’t think it has enough meat on it to be worth seeing without kids (unless you plan to review it).
Thanks for reading. I’m off to watch the Last Starfighter at Bad Movie Night. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu.
By the way, I’m hearing some seriously scary things out of the new Batman movie. As much as I am attracted to Anne Hathaway (and really, I am) I have said from the start I don’t think she could ever pull off Catwoman. Word is she is kind of butchering it, and wears a utility belt with an iPhone carrier. Also, Christopher Nolan is apparently channeling the spirit of Joel Schumacher from Batman and Robin by taking the highly intelligent South American super villain Bane and turning him into a muscle bound thug. Really, if you want a thug just do Killer Croc. It’s not rocket science. My best friend keeps telling me to keep the faith in that Christopher Nolan has yet to fail us, but this whole deal is really starting to smell of suck. Maybe he wants to ruin the Batman franchise for the next director, like Sam Raime did with Spiderman 3. I swear if Bruce Wayne goes emo and does a moody swing dance number while Catwoman sings I will beat the first person to tell me they liked the movie to a pulp.
I’m kidding about that, of course. I am a pretty non violent guy. Besides, why take my anger out on some hapless moron when I can use this blog to burn the director to my hearts content. I don’t know. It could be good. I’m just worried. I’ll try to keep up to date on what is going on, and talk about what I hear on future posts. Also, if the movie does both suck and blow, you can count on me to explain why and how in excruciating detail right here. Thanks again. Talk to you soon. Catwoman image, by the way, courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category.
Dave
The Descendants Movie Review
I will say to start that this movie title is causing my brain some confusion, as in my mind the Descendants will always be a punk rock band I still listen to a lot. Some of their songs include My Dad Sucks, Weinerschnitzel, Suburban Home, Kabuki Girl, and I Don’t Want to Grow Up. It’s hard to place them in what kind of punk rock they are exactly. Sort of if the Vandals and the Dead Milkmen married and had a baby that actually sang punk rock songs instead of songs about being punk rock. Hard core with a sense of gallows humor, I guess.
Anyway, the Descendants the movie. This is the latest George Clooney film. I am sort of a fan of George Clooney, mainly for Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?, but honestly he will have to do about 10 more films of that quality to ever make up for 
starring in Batman and Robin (Batman and Robin image courtesy of the Batman T Shirt category). Yes, the Batnipple Batman. Looking over his filmography he seems to have no barometer for what a good script is. For every Oh, Brother or Confessions of a Dangerous Mind he has he seems to have a Spy Kids or Ocean’s Eleven (Twelve, Thirteen…). It’s like he has someone rank scripts by quality and then picks them with a metronome.
So I guess this could be considered one of his better films. It definitely features him coming to grips with stuff, and having emotions and all that. His acting is indeed excellent, as is the supporting cast. The dramatic scenes are gripping and real, yet there is a nice undertone of humor in the grief shown on screen.
It is the story of Mathew King, Hawaiian lawyer and head of a family trust that holds 25,000 of pristine Kauai real estate. His wife was just in a boating accident and lies in a coma in the hospital. He has to wrangle his two troubled daughters while dealing with her impending death (she has a living will) and the fact that she was cheating on him. Meanwhile, as the head of the trust he has to decide what to do with the huge property. He goes on a journey across the island letting relatives know what is going on while looking for answers as to who his wife was cheating with with his daughters (Shailene Woodley-the Secret Life of the American Teenager, An American Girl Adventure and Amara Miller-no other credits) and an annoying surfer kid named Sid (Nick Krause-How to Eat Fried Worms, Stoned Age) who tags along as the older girl’s friend (or boyfriend. Not really clear).
So there is a ton of good character development and fairly engrossing emotional scenes. Overall a decent film, but if I were to offer one major criticism (and, as any regular reader knows, I will) it’s that the film seems to lack focus. It is called the Descendants mainly because King and his fairly huge family are supposed to be direct descendants of King Kamehameha, and the main drama seems to want to revolve around the dispensation of the land the family holds, but that whole aspect of the film has to sit at the back of the bus. The obvious main focus is the coma and impending death of Kings wife and the mother of his daughters, but that seems to get shunted aside to make room for his quest to find her lover. Meanwhile, the subplot of dealing with the fact that his daughters are troubled and looking to end up arrested dries up and blows away. The search for her former lover drives the movie for a while, but then it turns out the lover is somehow involved into the whole giant real estate deal and we are back to the start of the film and the property deal. The whole plot feels kind of like what I would imagine life in Hawaii to be like: a day of wandering aimlessly around an extremely pleasant area while accomplishing not a whole lot. However, if we consider the plot as merely a vehicle for the emotional conveyance than I suppose it works.
The stars. Excellent acting all around, especially George Clooney. Furthermore, the writers worked the script to give him and his daughters more opportunity to display that acting. Two stars. The emotions really drew you in, and you progressed emotionally with the characters. Two stars. Hawaii was beautiful. One star. Instead of showing Hawaii as an amazing paradise for tourists, they showed it as a day to day working environment, with a Hawaiian twist that played well. One star. The humor that flavored the movie worked well. One star. There were a couple of really great scenes, like King running down the hill in his sandals and Sid getting punched out by the grandfather for being an ass. One star. None of the writing or screenplay was directed at the lowest level of American culture (i.e. no hot hula girls dancing or “getting lei’d” jokes). One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The whole script lacking focus thing. One black hole. The movie didn’t so much as end as it ran out of steam and petered out. One black hole. While the acting was good and the emotions clearly delivered, none of the emotional scenes drew me in enough to really have a major impact. I was a little teary watching J Edgar and didn’t get hit once during this film. One black hole. Towards the end Clooney’s character takes a moral stand and makes a speech that seemed to have no foreshadowing whatsoever and more or less coalesced out of the ether. One black hole. This may be a personal issue, but given the current status of our economic and social times I find a film centered around a rich family figuring out the best dispensation of their hundreds of millions of dollars in property to be in really poor taste. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a total of four stars. Not bad, IMO, but not really worth rushing out to see. If you are a huge Clooney fan maybe, but otherwise just rent it. In spite of being filmed in one of the most beautiful places on Earth there is nothing on the screen that requires a huge theater. Decent for a date, I guess, as it has a lot of emotional stuff women respond to, but even at age 50 George Clooney will look about 100 times hotter than you ever will so you could potentially suffer in comparison. Especially since he is doing the hot single dad thing.
Thanks for reading. I might go see Arthur Christmas today, but have a lot going on right now. Things are ramping up at work so I might not have the time I did to do so many of these. If I don’t see it I will try to do a list I have been working on. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again, and have a great day.
Dave
In Time Movie Review
Just a few seconds late.
I went into this movie with a lot of hope, not only because it has been a while since we had a good original sci fi movie but also because the premise sounded a lot like a novel I read years ago. I can’t for the life of me recall the name or author, and I noticed the credits did not reverence any books, so I guess either the writer/director Andrew Niccol (the Truman Show, Gattica, Lord of War, the Terminal) read the book and forgot to mention it to anyone or this is another example of convergent evolution.
So I had high hopes, which I have discovered in the movie reviewing business is always a mistake. You see, if you expect the movie to be crap and it’s good, you are pleasantly surprised. If you expect it to be crap and it’s crap, at least you get to walk around with a sense of smug satisfaction that makes your friends want to punch you in the face when you keep saying “I told you so”. If you expect a movie to be good and it’s good than all is well. However, if you expect a movie to be good and it’s garbage than you walk away feeling like you just accidentally kicked your puppy and he won’t play with you anymore.
In Time wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t even bad, per se. I found elements of it very entertaining, and the concept kind of fascinating. The problem is he story got so bogged down in the whole time manipulation mechanic that you lose track of the overriding story. Also, it is apparent that Mr. Niccol, in spite of most likely being fabulously wealthy himself, has an axe to grind with the current state of economic disparity in our society and really wanted to shove a message down our throats. I am undecided if I agree or disagree with that message, but it seems he could have picked a better delivery vehicle. Finally, while I understand the need to suspend disbelief in a science fiction movie for things like arm clocks that count down the seconds of your life, this movie really pushed suspension in order to facilitate the Bonnie and Clyde Robin Hood story, which kind of bugs. More on that later.
The story. Justin Timberlake (I’d love to give the movie a black hole for him, as his fabulously successful and overly handsome career annoys the hell out of me, but I can’t deny that he is a talented actor and I usually enjoy him in anything he does. Damn my honesty) plays Will Salas, a lower class ghetto living worker bee who is struggling to survive, literally. In this society of the future you stop aging at 25, but at that point your arm clock starts with exactly one year to live. You have to work to earn more time, which is payed out in minutes and hours. He typically has less than a day on his clock, and he has to work every day to keep it from running out. He saves the life of a rich guy, who has come to the slums in order to die as he feels humans should not live forever. The guy gives Will over a century, which makes him a wealthy man. Ironically his mother dies seconds before he can give her more time. He moves up time zones to the rich area, where he gets into a poker game with another rich guy (Vincent Kartheiser – Mad Men, Alaska, Angel, Alpha Dog. What’s with him and movies that start with A?), the evil rich industrialist responsible for maintaining the economic time flow and indirectly the death of thousands of lower class people. He also meets the guy’s mother-in-law, wife, and daughter, who all look the same age. He has a connection with the daughter, Sylvie Weis (Amanda Seyfried – Jennifer’s Body, Red Riding Hood, Mean Girls) and encourages her to take a risk, something the rich in this world never do. At that point the police, called Time Keepers, catch up to him, thinking he stole the money. They are headed up by Johnny Depp-wannabe Cillian 
Murphy (Scarecrow from the Dark Knight, Batman Begins, Inception. Batman image courtesy of the Batman T shirts category), who is actually pretty cool. They take all his time, but he escapes and kidnaps Sylvia. At this point the movie turns into a huge Bonnie and Clyde film, with the two of them being chased by the cops and a bunch of gang members called Minute Men who steal time from people. She eventually joins him willingly and they go on a Robin Hood like crime spree, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Sci fi-ish crime drama ensues. There are a couple of good scenes (the final confrontation between Will and the Minute Men in particular).
The problem this movie suffers under is you get so bogged down in the intricacies of time transference that it distracts you from the story. The first time Will’s clock ran down to a few seconds was exciting, The fifth time not so much. While the premise is clever, and everyone spends all day looking at the clock on their arm, in the end you get tired of them constantly transferring it back and forth. Also, the social interaction of this kind of boggles my mind. It’s like this. At one point Sylvia says to Will “I know where we can get all the time we want”. Does she have some kind of clever insider scam based on years of living with her father, who owns most of the banks in the time zone? No. Her plan is to drive a truck through the wall of a time lender and steal thousands of years at gunpoint. If it’s that easy, why doesn’t everyone do it? I mean, if you have an hour left on your clock and you are going to die anyway, why not go on a crime spree? Heck, if I were a less moral person I might just pick up a brick and hit the next 10 people I came across on the head and steal their time. There are a couple of scenes where they show people just keeled over dead. Seems awfully passive of them. There’s another scene where the Minute Men line up a bunch of people and start to “clean their clocks”. Sure, they have guns, but there are only four of them and they had like 20 people lined up. If I was about to die in a few seconds anyway I think I would risk a bullet. For that matter, how is it the people with just a year on their clock ever agreed to this? Or haven’t risen up and wrecked the upper crust? I think the director was so bent on showing the evil of economic disparity that he missed some pretty obvious human nature questions.
The stars. Interesting premise. One star. Good acting all around. One star. Dialog was reasonably well written (more on that later). One star. The overriding message, while extremely didactic, was well delivered. One star. The love interest and pretty much every other woman in this film was easy on the eyes. One star. They did something really, really cool with the cars. Instead of designing brand new cars that look like sex toys with wheels (cough cough Demolition Man cough cough) they took cool classic American cars, buffed a few edges, and gave them electric sounding motors. Some of them had fins. It was like being in the world of Fallout without the nuclear war. One star. They also didn’t push the science fiction technology so far as to be annoying. No ray guns, no androids. It felt like a slightly different world maybe ten years in the future. One star. The struggle for the working man to keep his clock ticking was well portrayed. One star. Generally fun movie. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Way too much time spent (haw!) on time transference. One black hole. The whole “why would you passively watch your clock run down instead of going nuts” question. One black hole. I know the point is that everyone in the world stops aging at 25, but do they all have to be incredibly hot as well as young? The entire movie felt like I was trapped in an Abercrombie and Fitch. One black hole. With a couple of exceptions, the action was pretty blasé. One black hole. No effort was really made to distinguish between the language and dialect of the lower and upper class people. One black hole. The crime spree Will and Sylvia went on got ludicrous in their success rate. Sure, suspension of disbelief and all that, but I have a hard time with the idea that the cops of the time based economy are significantly less competent than cops of today. Is it reasonable to assume that two wanted criminals can walk into a bank with no plan and just a couple guns and then get away without any chance of being caught? Seems some effort could have been made to show these people as having an edge lacking in the average criminal. One black hole. While entertaining, the entire movie felt a little soulless, it was rated PG-13 when it really should have been R, and the message and story continually got in each others way. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of two stars. Not bad, and if you don’t mind some of the more esoteric black holes I gave it you can enjoy it. There really isn’t much in the camera work to demand a big screen, so feel free to see it on video. Not a good date film either, as the romance is grossly underdeveloped (I almost gave another black hole for that) and the economic machinations can actually get kind of boring.
Thanks for reading. I think I am going to try to see either Anonymous or the Rum Diary later today. I can’t decide which one I am more apathetic about. I don’t really care about a fictionalized story of Shakespeare, and Hunter S Thompson is a guy who wrote for a magazine I never read. Maybe I’ll see Puss n’ Boots, if my brain can handle it. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Top 10 Best Animated Movies
Last night I was at a friends house perusing her DvD collection and came across a couple movies that sparked my interest on this topic. I love cartoons, and in many cases prefer them to real movies (and, to be honest, my own real life). My theory is any idiot can point a camera at other idiots to make a film, but the expense of creating animation is so high (at least for hand drawn) that they need to make sure the story is solid before even getting it going. Puts motivation on the writers, in most cases.
That is not to say there isn’t a lot of animated crap out there, but those movies usually fall into the trap of pandering to uptight kids parents (not the kids themselves, ironically). Also, this list has my own twist, so don’t expect to see a lot of smiley, happy Disney movies. Most of these have some kind of dark twist or complicated story.
10. Titan A.E. This movie wasn’t necessarily the greatest story ever told, but it was the very first movie to make extensive use of CGI technology. It was also a post-apocalyptic story (A.E. stands for After Earth) that had a dark theme to it. It explored some fairly cool themes as well. The movie has taken on cult status, but I feel I gain a lot of geek credibility by having actually seen it in the theater. This movie was also the straw that broke the camel known as Fox Animation Studios’s back, and whenever Fox suffers I feel good (still haven’t forgiven them for cancelling Firefly and about 10 other great shows).
9. Wall-E. I know I said no cute movies, but this one is definitely one of my favorite Pixar themes. Complex story, awesome animation, and when you look at the fact that humanity has continued it’s current trend towards grotesque, morbid obesity it has a dark theme too. I went into this film expecting kiddy pap and walked out seriously impressed.
8. Ghost in the Shell. I can’t really call myself an anime fanatic, but I enjoy the genre and any nerd worth his salt needs to see this movie at some point. Futuristic crime thriller set in cyberpunk Japan, it featured super cool cyborgs and high technology crime. It sparked all kinds of associated video games and manga series’s. Incidentally, the literal translation of the Japanese title is “Mobile Armored Riot Police”. Cool.
7. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. This movie really showed something important that most other films derived from tv shows fail at; it is possible to have a great stand alone film derived from a TV show. This movie did what South Park always does-pushed the envelope so far into the uncomfortable that it kind of pushed out the other side. Also, I happen to still love South Park, so this is kind of a personal thing.
6. Akira. Another great anime film, this one features cyberpunk motorcycle street gangs and dark, gruesome action. This one also does not pull back on the realistic violence, and ends in a level of mass destruction rarely matched in any other animated film.
5. Spirited Away. Woof. Talk about dark. Rather, talk about dark that masquerades as cute. Great story, as well as a great look into Japanese culture, this epic fish out of water story is one I will always watch given the chance. I have seen it multiple times and ever time I watch it I catch some other detail I missed entirely.
4. the Incredibles. Great story, great animation. Some might make the mistake of assuming this is a cute kiddy film, but let’s not forget the fact that Dash is killing Syndrome’s henchmen left and right and laughing the whole time. Also, remember the corpse of Gazerbeam? Or the fact that Syndrome gets sucked into a jet engine in what could be accurately described as one of the most gruesome death possible? Definitely adult themes here. Of course, the story rocks, the characters all rule, and in an ironic twist the entire film was intended to be a spoof of the Fantastic Four yet somehow managed to remain more true to the original FF than any of the actual movies.
3. the Iron Giant. This film was such a cool experience for me when I saw it in the theater. It started out as a cute ET giant robot film, with the Giant learning about what it means to be human and bonding with young Hogarth (I wish I was named Hogarth) while being pursued by a federal agent. Just when you are ready to pass out from so much sugar in your blood, the Giant thinks Hogarth is killed and turn into an UNSTOPPABLE, UNHOLY KILLING MACHINE! This is like going to see a community theater production of Hamlet and in the third act a bunch of strippers come out and perform. The Iron Giant kicks the crap out of the best military the US of the 1060’s can produce, only to revert to his kind self and save the day. My only real issue with the film is the ending. The Giant flies up to intercede the nuclear missile coming in to kill everyone. Couldn’t he just have whipped out one of the several dozen guns he had just been using and shoot it from a safe distance? Oh, well. Great film, and actually really good for kids.
2. the Nightmare Before Christmas. What a fun story. The twisted Christmas preparations Halloween town was making were great. Jack Skellington is awesome, and in one of the weirdest twists of my cinema life I actually like the songs. The only other musical where the songs didn’t have me chewing on the arm rest was Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog. This story presents a character arc in the truest sense of the term, with Jack showing a steady, progressive character development throughout the film.
1. Batman Mask of the Phantasm. I guess I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have a film on here odds are most of you have never heard of, but this is my all time favorite animated movie. What this story addresses that almost all other films and cartoons treat as peripheral at best is that Batman is not really about Batman. It is about a human being named Bruce Wayne who, in spite of all his wealth, has one of the most messed up and troubled lives you could possibly imagine. Haunted by the death of his parents (and secretly blaming himself for it), he will never find peace or love in this lifetime. Of course, the Phantasm is a great villain, the story is convoluted in the coolest way possible, and we get to see the Joker as voiced by the great Mark Hamill. Also, violent and dark as hell, without the happy ending most cartoons seem to look for. In my opinion this is one of the best Batman stories ever told, and from a script point of view will take it over any of the other Batman movies except maybe the Dark Knight. Of course that was about Heath Ledger as Joker, so from a strict story perspective Mask is superior. (Lightning Strikes image courtesy of the Batman t shirt category).
That’s my list. Feel free to disagree with me. I am sure I missed something really cool. Just don’t spam me with Disney stuff. I don’t care if you think Bueaty and the Beast or the Little Mermaid are the best out there. They are fun, but given that they are all derived from fairy tales and more or less star the same character and rely on cuteness to make the movie happen I can’t go there. Also, neither of them qualify in the “I actually like the songs” category.
Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you do you can send me your opinions directly. Or just post here. As long as you don’t cuss I’ll put it up. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.
Dave
One of the many reasons why Batman is the greatest super hero of all time
The cool thing about saying something like that is, unlike most declarative statements in the nerd world, there are very few who can argue against you and those who do usually end up sounding like complete morons. Say something like “Kirk was the better captain” or “George Lucas is a sellout whore” and, in a group of three nerds, at least one will take issue with your statement. However, I have yet to have a true comic fan argue vehemently that Batman is not the greatest (or at least the one of the greatest) superheroes of all time (and if I did, honestly I think all I would hear is clicks and whistles).
So what is it that makes him so cool? Is it the costume? Yes. Is it the car? Yes. Is it the fact that he goes toe to toe with thugs who could kill him at any minute without the use of esoteric outer space minerals (cough cough Kryptonite cough cough)? Yes. All these and may other reasons make up that tapestry of coolness that is the Dark Knight. However, there is one reason that stands out in my mind more than others and that is because Bruce Wayne’s life absolutely sucks so much.
“Wait a minute!” I can here your feeble, movie fan based brain saying. “Bruce Wayne is a billionaire. He has houses, boats, cars, and is head of a major corporation. He dates super models and, when not wearing the cowl, is the life of the party.” This may appear to be true, but something you can only get if you read the comics (or perhaps watch some of the cartoons, such as Mask of the Phantasm) is that it is all a sham. Sure, it is part of his facade in the movies as well but when you watch them Christian Bale can’t seem to transmit the idea that secretly Bruce Wayne hates the fake lifestyle and considers it a massive waste of time. In the movie it seems like he is partying it up and in his free time is fighting crime (kind of like the Green Hornet).
Bruce Wayne has a miserable life. He is constantly tortured by the death of his parents. He also blames himself whenever one of his rogues gallery kills someone before he could capture him, especially the Joker (Joker image courtesy of the Batman t shirt category). Bruce sleeps like two hour a night and goes out night after night, in spite of the many injuries he suffers on a regular basis. He has no chance of any kind of real personal relationship with a woman, and never gets a break or a chance to rest.
Why does that qualify him a cool? Humans love tragedy. All the best stories involve tragic protagonists (Darth Vader from the original Star Wars trilogy, Sam Lowry from Brazil, Peter Parker from Spiderman, Mad Max, Dr. Morbius from Forbidden Planet, Harvey Dent (Two Face), Edward Norton’s nameless character in Fight Club, Testsuo Shima from Akira, the list goes on). Sure, a decent story could be told about a happy character, but those stories, while entertaining, are quickly forgotten. The stories that stick with you for years after you have seen them involve pain and suffering, not upbeat characters and happy endings.
By the way, anyone who tries to tell me that Superman started in tragedy because his planet blew up before he developed the mental capacity to remember it should go back to reading Richie Rich cartoons. The man grew up in Norman Rockwell picture perfect small town America with the Kents. Give me a break. Also, anyone who tries to cite Anakin Skywalker as a tragic character can go into the laundry room and drink whatever liquids may be located in the cabinets there.
I think that’s why the Joel Schumacher (burn in hell, jackass) Batman movies felt like such a betrayal of the franchise to me. It wasn’t just the Batnipples, the painfully crowbaring of so many villains into one film, the 46 continuity and editing mistakes in Batman and Robin, the bad writhing, the bad acting, the “diamond powered” freeze suit, or the obvious ploy to make a two hour long toy commercial. It was the fact that they portrayed a Bruce Wayne that was kind of light hearted and enjoyed his work as Batman. There is no part of his life that he enjoys. The only scene that had even a trace of tragedy was when Mr. Freeze was locked up and carved an ice statue of his frozen wife to keep him company. That was the most tragic scene in either of the movies and, consequently, it is the one that stick out in my mind the most (the entire rest of both films blurs together like a sewage smoothie in a blender). No wonder it is considered the worst blockbuster of all time.
Anyway, that’s pretty much it for my love of tragic characters and the bromance I feel with Bruce Wayne. If you disagree feel free to respond and I will happily ridicule your shortcomings physical, mental, and emotional.
I am going to see Pirates of the Caribbean at 4:20pm today (bong time, for you stoners out there) and write a review for it tomorrow. I expect it to be a product of the fail school of filmmaking, so I should be able to write some funny stuff. They based the story on one of my all time favorite books, On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers, so unless it is truly brilliant I will probably come to the blogging process full of betrayed bile. Talk to you soon.
Nerd Dating: the fine art of eye contact
So I am at a loss for a series to do right now. I will just do single posts about things that I think will help, along with stuff I find interesting. Today I will talk about eye contact.
Eyes are the windows of the soul, and if you cannot make and maintain eye contact people will never feel like they know you. There is a reason “shifty eyed” is a phrase that means untrustworthy. If you are trying to connect with someone, you have to make eye contact. By the way, this habit will not only serve you well in dating but in all aspects of life, especially work.
This has always been a challenge for me, as I am constantly distracted by any kind of movement and often find myself staring at someone’s mouth as they speak. However, if you are by nature kind of introverted than it is likely you spend a lot of time looking at the ground, or the cat, or over someone’s shoulder. Of course, if you are kind of a moron you are staring at the girl’s breasts, which will make you look like a neanderthal. Getting in the habit of looking into her eyes will help keep you from making this error.
If you aren’t in the habit, start off staring into your own eyes in the mirror. Do it while brushing your teeth or whatever. Also, putting a mirror near where you like to make phone calls can be great practice of talking while looking into eyes. Practice makes perfect. If you have another friend with the same problem try doing staring contests with each other. Dumb, but every bit helps. Also, try playing poker. Something about it naturally makes you want to look into each other’s eyes.
However, remember that when you are talking to a girl it isn’t a staring contest. You need to give her a break once in a while. Odds are she will look away at some point, which is a good chance to blink and so on. If you are trying to get the waiters attention look away. Honestly, don’t act unnaturally. Just whenever you are talking to her try to be looking in her eyes.
That’s it. Short but sweet, as I have a ton of work to do tonight. I’ve kind of lost track of 
my who would win thing so I will start over with who would win; Joker versus Lex Luthor? (Joker image courtesy of the Batman T-Shirts category)
Nerd Dating: Making “the Move” part 4:When is the time right?
OK, you’ve read some kissing instructions (I hope) and are on your third or later date. Now we come to the crux of the dance known as making out. Like dancing, if your timing is good it looks like a beautiful performance but if your timing is off by even a little you could easily trod on your dates foot and never see her again.
Unfortunately, knowing when to go in is both situational and requires a certain amount of instinct and experience. Even with experience you can totally screw up and blow it, so be prepared for rejection. However, I can give you the benefit of my painfully gained experience.
My personal policy is to go in when the awkward silence seems to get boring. This is a terrible policy and you should not use it, but I think my personal boredom tolerance level is about the right time, as I seem to be correct more than incorrect (this is not a great record, actually, as this could be as low as 51%, a straight F). However, everyone has a different boredom level, so don’t try this.
I should probably throw something in here about misinterpreting the situation. I hate using cliche phrases like “No means no” but the fact is there are times when you think you are on final approach when in reality she is actually waving you off. If you go for the kiss and she pushes you off or asks you to leave it is time to go home and think about where you messed up. Either you suck at interpreting women or she is nuts. If its the former work on it and the latter you are better off having learned now. However, do not make the mistake of thinking she is telling you one thing while thinking something else. Bail out and chalk it up to experience.
Here are some signs to look for that tell you the time is right. This list is neither comprehensive nor absolute, so don’t hold me to it. They are just decent guidelines.
1. You have your date alone somewhere private. This is actually more of a requirement than a guideline. In other words, your first kiss had better be somewhere private. Do not try to kiss her somewhere in public, as she will be very self conscious and vulnerable. Also, I find I also feel very vulnerable if there are other people around while making out with a girl, and that tends to ramp up my caveman testosterone fight-of-flight instinct and make me even more a pain in the ass to deal with (at least I understand some of my own limitations).
2. She is paying attention to you. If you are watching a movie on her TV and she is really into it, don’t try to go in for a kiss. If the movie is playing and she is looking at you instead of the screen, odds are good the timing is not bad. If you try to kiss her while she is paying looking at something else you will assuredly get the cheek, followed by getting kicked out as soon as the movie ends.
3. She is comfortably snuggled up to you. She should be up close and personal. That tells you she feels safe with you, and that your bathing and brushing regimen are paying off. By the way, sit up strait. She wants to feel like she is with a solid manly man, not a human bean bag.
4. Awkward silence combined with looking into each others eyes. Unless she is truly a psychotic (and trust me, there are reasonable odds that she actually is. At some point I should talk about some of the women I have dated) she is probably thinking about kissing and wondering when you are going in for it. This is usually the green flag. The thing to remember is that when it comes to dating women have mastered the art of maintaining total control while feigning complete helplessness. If you are alone with her at her place with the lights turned down and your arm around her, it is entirely because she wanted to get to that point. If she wanted to get rid of you trust me, you would be outside with the garbage.
5. Unnecessary light contact. All of the former are good signs, but if she runs her fingers lightly up your forearm this is her sending you email, text, 
Batsignal, semaphore, and smoke signals that she is ready to start making out (by the way, women, not only is it a great signal but personally I find it to be a remarkable turn on). A lot of women will not do this, so don’t wait for it, but when one does it usually means she is bored and wants to make out for a while.
(Batman image courtesy of the Batman t-shirt category)
Anyway, that’s pretty much it. More tomorrow. My “who would win” question from yesterday has sparked quite a debate among my friends. Stormtroopers are remarkably bad shots, but Red Shirts are remarkably bad at dodging shots. I think at the end of a long, protracted, and ammo depleting battle the Stormtroopers would win, but it’s really a toss up. If the battle were to take place on a planet where Kirk hooked up with an alien female I would have to bet on the Red Shirts, as the odds of surviving triple for Red Shirts landing on planets where Kirk gets his freak on, if you know what I mean.
Today’s question is one of scale: Who would win, Darth Vader from Empire Strikes back versus Godzilla from any of the Toho movies.
