Branded Move Review
The weirdness on this film goes to 11.
So does the pretentiousness, tonelessness, and overall lack of story. (Spinal Tap image comes from the Funny T Shirt category, by the way)
This film was really not what I expected. From the couple of trailers I saw and the one poster I thought I was going to see a remake of They Live with the aliens replaced by corporate automatons. Instead, this movie wheezes from one story tone to another like a broken Slinky struggling to make it down a flight of stairs.
I can honestly say I don’t know what kind of movie this is supposed to be. The ad blurb describe it as a sci fi action/drama/mystery set in a dystopic future but honestly you could see this more as a psychotic breakdown on the part of the main character. It shift gears frequently and plays like five different directors shot completely different films using the same actors and tried to edit them all into one incoherent mess. There is the evil powers controlling our minds through advertising (They Live), the rejection of materialism (Fight Club), the possible psychotic breakdown that just might be for real (Brazil), the evil supermind controlling things from across the world (any good James Bond), a weird unintentional spy movie sub plot (the Man Who Knew Too Little) and the religious/science fiction epiphany that changes everything (Phenomenon, mixed in with a little of the Gods are Crazy), all wrapped up with a bow made of old Simpsons episodes.
On the other hand, at least the title actually has something to do with the movie. The film is about the evils of marketing and brand recognition, and is titled Branded. Kudos. On the other other hand, the poster shows the main character with an axe in one hand and a gun in the other, sort of implying some kind of zombie apocalypse survival/horror story. However, I can tell you the axe plays a very minor part in the story and at no time does anyone use or carry a gun.
The story. Young Misha as a child gets struck by lightning sent down by a giant space cow (no joke) and is given super human marketing powers. As an adult Misha (Ed Stoppard-the Pianist, Joy Division (not the band, as far as I can tell), the Little Vampire) is a marketing genius in the capitalist wonderland of Moscow. He is responsible for bringing any number of major Western brands cleverly renamed in order to not get sued by the real companies. His boss (Jeffrey Tambor, if you can believe it. Arrested Development, There’s Something About Mary, the Hangover) treats him like crap and is also some kind of spy(?). Misha starts hooking up with the bosses niece (Leelee Sobieski-Joy Ride, the Glass House, Joan of Arc). Meanwhile cut to a Polynesian island where Max Von Sydow (Shutter Island, the Exorcist, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) is the reining King of Marketing. He has been approached by the fast food industry to help them regain lost market share due to everyone not wanting to eat garbage anymore.
He cooks up a scheme to redefine the nature of beauty, making fat the new gorgeous. He creates an extreme makeover show in Russia where a fat girl is going to be surgically altered into a skinny hotty. Misha and Abby (the niece and love interest) produce the show, but when the girl goes into a coma a huge backlash hits them both while accomplishing Max’s goal. Abby goes back to America while Misha moves out to the countryside to be a shepherd.
If this description seems long it’s because that’s how the story progresses. While in the country Misha has a vision and does a ritual sacrifice of a cow (that’s where the axe comes in) and gains the powers to see giant balloon art creatures coming out of people. Abby is back and brings him to Moscow, where he discovers the animals are the actual souls of brands. Big ones hang out at the stores selling the stuff while little ones manifest themselves in humans as desire to eat the burger or buy the computer or whatever. He now sees all marketing as evil and figures out how to destroy them by training the creatures through (mostly illegal) advertizing campaigns. Eventually he causes a rebellion against all advertizing and it is all outlawed.
Honestly, that’s the abridged version. There must have been 60 minutes of sub plot and pointless character development leading up to the first sign of alien creatures. The movie drags on and on, but what is weird is while you are never really engaged you are also never really bored. I found myself sitting in my seat with an interest in what the writer was going to cook up. There were at least three different points that the movie could have reasonably ended but instead opted to continue for another 10 minutes and each time I found myself wondering what was going to happen next.
The stars. I will give massive props for actually coming out with an original movie that does not conform to one of the Hollywood safe genres (although they cheesed out the ending IMO). Three stars. I kind of liked Misha’s character at times. One star. The cynical Max Von Sydow was great. One star. In spite of all the issues, once you start watching it you are OK to sit in your seat for the entire 105 minutes. One stars. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The movie cries out for a specific tone. Two black holes. Paced like watching old people have intercourse while driving. One black hole. The overall message was painfully prosaic. Advertizing is bad? Sounds like a paper written by a first year sociology major. Two black holes. A number of completely pointless sub plots that did nothing but pad out the run time. Also the entire Max Von Sydow vignette looked and sounded like an entirely different movie. One black hole. The ending was complete wishful thinking. One black hole. Rated R for no apparent reason. I found out that your movie can get an R rating if it has too much advertizing in it, which is ironic. However, once you know that is going to happen for the love of keeping my interest go back and shoot some nudity. One black hole. Acting shifted gears as much as the tone of the film. One black hole. There was a painful voice over monologue that showed up to periodically pull you out of the movie immersion that later turned out to be the only real laugh in the film. One black hole. At the end of the film I walked out with a massive “WTF?” headache. One black hole. Total: eleven black holes.
A grand total of five black holes. Honestly, there isn’t a lot here to pull you into the theater. However, I find myself secretly loving this film for what it represents: a chance to make a low budget artsy film and have it look about as good as any high budget film. Sure, the CGI looked like a balloon artist dropped too much acid, but it was acceptable (at least as good as the demon from the end of the Season of the Witch). Camera work and editing was also acceptable. I couldn’t find out what the budget was on this film (searching for “Branded” and “Budget” will get you so much marketing garbage on Google your CPU will melt down. Some days I hate the Interlink) but it couldn’t have even been a million. With this film I see the potential for guys with a great idea, a couple decent cameras, and some good editing software to make an awesome movie that could be shown on the same screen as the Avengers. As Hollywood keeps pumping out the same remake garbage like a sewer pipe running in reverse I foresee a future wherein talented writers and directors in Boise produce the next Citizen Kane.
Is it worth seeing at all? I supposed, if you like surrealism and don’t mind grinding through excess junk. If you are so inclined see it in a theater as some of the CGI would look lame on a smaller screen. Also, let’s do what we can to support independent filmmakers. Date movie? Not unless you are trying to get her to stop calling you. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if you want a specific time close to the middle of the movie I would say the scene that starts off with Abby finding Misha as a shepherd is a great place to drop a deuce, flirt with the concession girl, and stick your head in another theater to watch five minutes of a different film.
Thanks for reading. Lot’s of stuff coming out this weekend. I am definitely going to see End of Watch and Judge Dredd so look for those reviews soon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or review feel free to post them here. If you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
