The Last Stand Review
An action comedy with a massive side of extra comedy.
As a Schwarzenegger fan who lives in California I am first of all glad to see Arnold give up pesky politics in favor of a return to film. This, aside from a supporting role in the Expendables 2, is his first real return to film and I can honestly say I like him better as an actor than a governor.
I can also applaud this film in realizing that what Arnold now does best is make action movies funny and setting up to create a funny action comedy. Unfortunately once they pointed the film in the direction of the comedy cliff they locked the gas pedal to the floor and forgot where the brake was. Unless he is playing a Terminator Arnold naturally brings a certain amount of comedy to his action role (a fact that was brilliantly celebrated in Last Action Hero). That phenomenon kind of negates the need for a comic relief character, and if there is one thing that comic relief character doesn’t need it’s another comic relief character. By the end of the film there was so much comic relief going on that the villain looked like he was trying to escape from a rogue clown troupe.
The other thing about comic relief characters in action movies is the good ones either serious up when the action starts (relegating their comedy to quick one-liners) or have the good grace to slink off and hide inside a dumpster in order to let the action hero do his thing. In this film the comic relief character (especially Johnny Knoxville. Sorry Johnny. I loved you in Jackass but every scene with you in it here made me wish you were currently getting kicked in the balls) play integral and hi-larious parts in every action scene. The natural victim of all this comedy is of course the action, which ended up feeling like a powerful firehose that had a kink in it, reducing the fun to a mere dribble that the director then waved back and forth in order to at least simulate some excitement. By the end of the movie I was begging for relief from the comedy.
The overuse of comic relief was highly reminiscent of a lot of Japanese and Korean films I have seen, and when I looked the movie up on IMDB I was not surprised to see it was directed by Korean director Jee-woon Kim. While I appreciate foreign film immensely and Korea is coming out with some amazing stuff (if you have not seen Save the Green Planet you definitely should) I don’t know if a major action film is the best place for a Korean director to make his debut in the US market. This is the first big film he has done, and according to his filmography the first action film. I know I bitched about a similar phenomenon with regards to writing in my review for the Gangster Squad, but given that this film had a $30,000,000 budget couldn’t they have found a director who has produced a film that has grossed more than the $30MM it took to make this film? (For the record, the Last Stand was number 9 over this last weekend, grossing a lousy $6.3MM. It was beat out by Les Mis, Django Unchained, A Haunted House, Broken City, Gangster Squad, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty, and Mama)
What bums me out about doing this review is I am a fan of Arnold, and honestly he did a pretty good job. His action was good, and he pulled off a believable and appealing character. I connected best with him and was rooting for him during the action, something all good action heroes need. Unfortunately if he were the the helium balloon part of the film lifting it up into the air, the rest of the cast and the story were massive sandbags weighting it down.
The story is of cartel kingpin Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega-Open Your Eyes, the Devil’s Backbone, the Method) escaping from FBI transfer custody under the command of Agent Bannister (Forest Whitaker-Platoon, Last King of Scotland, Phone Booth). His escape plan involves use of a super fast sports car capable of outrunning most helicopters and having his henchmen destroy any roadblock the police set up (I guess no one believes in spike traps anymore). 
Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger is the sheriff of a small town just on the Mexican border. He is aided by a set of the most incompetent deputes since Barney Fife (Andy Griffith image is actually from our Cheap T Shirt category). They bumble their way around town and manage to introduce us to the comics relief comic relief Lewis Dinkman (Johnny Knoxville-Jackass and not much else). I can say I am not by nature a violent man (that might not be true, but I can say it) but his character seriously made me want to run out into the lobby and punch the guy taking tickets.
Anyway, the FBI are foiled at every turn by Cortez’s careful planning and some stupid action (is there anyone in the world who believes a Humvee can be flipped into the air by running head first into a sports car without the sports car being flattened or at least damaged in some way besides scratched paint?). He is going to cross the border in Arnolds town, where he has already sent a team of white trash mercenaries to build a temporary bridge and shoot up the locals.
The dopey action starts. Dinkman and another guy get deputized. Turns out Dinkman has a massive weapons depot and we get treated to what should have in real life been hours of prep but is covered in a 45 second montage (actually, now that I think about it the timing and pacing of this whole movie was wacky. Cortez is driving a car in excess of 150mph. Las Vegas to the Mexican border is about 350 miles, yet the trip seemed to take like a day and a half). Knoxville tries to prove he is the spiritual son of any of the Three Stooges but unfortunately rolls Shemp. The gang of bad guys rolls into town to duke it out with the sheriff and his moronic deputes in an action scene that was kind of a snooze fest mainly due to the forcible injection of comedy. Stuff gets blown up, guys get shot, cars get wrecked.
The stars. Like I said, I thought Arnold was pretty cool and did a good job. Plus I’m just glad to see him back on the screen. Two stars. The final chase scene and one on one manhunt was pretty good (basically as soon as Arnold shed his comedic anchors the action got good). One star. If what you really want is comic relief this movie is a veritable cornucopia. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Way, way too much comic relief. The whole point is a comic relief character is supposed to relieve the tension from the action. What this movie had was action relief. Also I spent a lot of the film hoping two of the characters in particular would die. Two black holes. The movie had three different tones and shifted back and forth without warning: gritty CSI crime drama with the FBI manhunt, Dirty Harry style action, and Keystone Cops-esque comedy with the deputies. Rapid tonal changes hurts the audience brain. One black hole. Not a lot of originality in the progression of the story. Once the (reasonably) original idea of a prison break was done the rest of the movie was fairly by-the-numbers. One black hole. A few of the action scenes were laughably ridiculous. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of one black hole, which means it’s not irredeemable. Some entertainment could be had. The biggest problem this film faces is the real draw is going to be fans of Arnold Schwarzenegger from his Terminator or Commando days, and what we are presented is a 66 year old man who has a passing resemblance to the mercenary who beat an alien in hand to hand in Predator. It’s just off enough to kind of bug. Still worth seeing if you are bored and want some action or just want to support Arnold. Totally NetFlix-able IMO. Date movie? Maybe. This film could be a good compromise in the sense that your girlfriend agrees to see an action film (possibly in payment for dragging you to see Les Miserables) but you know if you show her Parker you might have a hard time getting her in the mood. Bathroom break? That’s easy. The A Team style preparation montage does nothing, and if you really want a worthless scene the one where Johnny Knoxville is trying to cut down a telephone pole. Talk about flow breaking and worthless.
Thanks for reading. More later this week, and thanks again to Nora for reviewing Silver Linings Playbook. I probably would not have seen it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have any comments on this film or my review feel free to post them at the bottom of the page article (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Off topic comments or suggestions can be emailed to me at [email protected]. Have a great day.
Dave
A funny story and warning about Hot Pockets
Yes, I know. I’m supposed to be writing movie reviews, and have a couple lined up to do. However, while it might seem to you gentle readers that I write most of these by rolling my face back and forth over the keyboard while high on horse tranquilizers, the fact is they each take a couple hours to write and this time of the year I don’t have ten minutes to burn. I’ll try to get one done later today but am super slammed right now.
As a quick alternative, I think it fair to say that to a man and woman I have the most amazing friends on the planet. They are smart, interesting, and above all funny. Case in point; I woke up this morning to a series of texts that had me laughing hysterically for about half an hour straight. I’m lucky to have survived the drive to work. For your edification here is the text series:
6:49 am my friend: “I accidentally sat on a hot pocket last night. It went off like a plasma grenade. Hurt for hours.”
7:35 am me: “Wow. Sorry but I just laughed my ass off. Sympathy for your pain. Plus the tragic loss of your hot pocket.”
My friend: “It hurt like hell. The cheese blew all over my legs and burned like napalm.”
“Right through my jean shorts too. Not to mention I was forced to eat my remaining pack of ramen so I’m f***ed for the zombie apocalypse.” (zombie apocalypse image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category)
Me: “Sorry but nothing you are saying is slowing me down on the laughing.”
Friend: “There’s a hot pocket with your name out there somewhere and you won’t be laughing when you’re having to explain the permanent bald spots on your legs from the burns.”
“I look like a disabled oil rig worker.”
Me: “Now there’s a sobering thought.”
Friend: “Someone get a cap on that second hot pocket or it’ll go up too!”
Me: “You should sue hot pockets. If nothing else the headlines would be awesome.”
So in addition to illustrating what kind of insensitive jerk I really am, I think this story can serve as a warning for the real danger of Hot Pocket sitting related accidents, or HPSRA. Spread the word!
Dave
Dredd 3D Review
Pretty freaking awesome.
If you have read more than a few of my reviews than you know what a rarity it is for me to just come out and say a movie rocks. I’m like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets; no matter how good a movie is I almost always find something to criticize and harp on about.
However, I’m having a hard time pulling something to bite into on this one. Sure, I could talk about the lack of character development and the thinness of the story, but as a fan of the Judge Dredd comic I not only expected that but honestly feel this character needs these things in order to function. If you take this movie for what is supposed to be-a hyper gory violent film adeptation of a hyper gory violent comic book-than it is nigh flawless.
I will satisfy my minimum bile requirements by talking a little about the 1995 Sly Stallone Judge Dredd. Like most nerds I find a certain amount of guilty pleasure in watching this film. It is entertaining in the same way putting one of your friends hands in warm water while he is sleeping is entertaining. Sure, you like the guy and would be willing to help him if he were in trouble, but you can’t help but laugh when you see him wet himself. Stallone attempted to take the role seriously, but the lines he was given were so comical he couldn’t help but come across as a douche. Also, if you read Dredd comics you know there is no room in Dredds life for comic relief, and in 1995 they saddled him with comic relief equivalent of the Ebola virus, Rob Schneider. Sorry, but there are no circumstances in which I want to see Judge Dredd running around with Duece Bigalow, Male Gigolo.
Also, and this is a big also, Judge Dredd is always painted as the grim, faceless force of merciless justice. I guess Sylvester Stallone was too big a star to include in a movie back then without showing his face, but had he kept the helmet on the entire time I think it would have been a better film. Dredd is like a justice tornade; he’s not supposed to have a face.
Fortunately for us in Dredd the helmet stays on, the voice stays gravely, and what you can see of Dredd’s facial expression ranges from scowly to OMG turn-you-to-stone scowly. In other words, this is the Judge Dredd we all wanted to see from the comic book. All the humanity and interaction we would hope to see in a film is delivered by his sidekick Judge Anderson, the psychic Judge from the comic. She manages to add a great contrast to Dredd’s grimness without distracting the story. They honestly work brilliantly together, and each uses their respective skills to accomplish the mission.
I suppose I should ding the movie for being a clear rip off of the Raid: Redemption. However, if you recall in that review I said this is what a rated R movie is supposed to look like. In most cases copies are akin to taking a mediocre image and photocopying it several times, ending up with an even worse image. In this case it is more serving you a delicious meal of all your favorite foods and then serving it to you again a year later, 
only on the finest china with excellent wine, a hot nude waitress, and a bucket of Ranch (Ranch image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category). In this case I am going to say being a remake of the Raid is actually a good move, even though saying that galls me like swallowing broken glass.
The story is pretty damned simple. Judge Dredd (Dr. McCoy from Star Trek 2009, The Two Towers, the Bourne Supremacy) is saddled with rookie psychic cop Judge Anderson (Olivia Thirlby-the Darkest Hour, No Strings Attached, Juno, and hopefully my future wife) for a day of evaluation. They opt to investigate three murders at Peach Tree Estate, a high rise slum in Mega City one, the dystopian home for Americas population (the rest of America being a radiated wasteland). The three murders were committed by Ma-ma, the local crimelord (Lena Headey-300, Imagine Me & You, Terminator: the Sarah Conner Chronicles) who has been creating a narcotic called Slo-Mo. Slo-mo speeds up the brain so everything seems to be happening at 1% of it’s normal speed. In most cases I wouldn’t go into a plot point like that except Slo-Mo becomes responsible for a lot of the coolest effects later on.
Dredd and Anderson investigate the local drug dealer they believe responsible for the murders and during the bust capture one of Ma-ma’s goons. In order to keep him from being interrogated she locks down the entire building and orders the population to kill the two. This is where the Raid: Redemption kicks in, only with less martial arts and more massive gun battles. Hundreds of people get shot, usually in slow motion extra-goryvision, things get blown up, and Dredd proves why he is the most infamous Judge in Mega-City One.
The stars. Staying true to canon. Two stars. Awesome action all around. Three stars. This film earns its R rating the hard way with massive gore and violence and stays there. Normally I give a movie a black hole for being rated R with no nudity, but honestly this film did not need it. One star. I can’t really give a star to the acting as most of the movie did not require a lot of acting, but the characters of both Dredd and Anderson were faithfully and accurately portrayed to both of the actors credit. One star. I’ll also say the balance between the two characters added a lot. One star. Pacing was dead on perfect, with just the right amount of great action interspersed with good dialog and character interaction. One star. The prop making for the Judges uniforms and guns was brilliant. One star. As I normally hate 3D just saying this hurts like passing a grapefruit sized kidney stone made of burning coal, but the 3D effects added tremendously to the experience and were really freaking good. If you go see this movie see it in 3D (ugh I need a shower). One star. Overall an awesome movie experience. Three stars. Total: 14 stars (!?!?).
I suppose I had better channel Statler and Waldorf and deliver some black holes or be accused of being a fan boy. The story really was extremely simple and a clear rip off of The Raid Redemption. One black hole. The character of Ma-ma as the villain was really two dimensional and kind of uninteresting. She didn’t really have any brilliant plans or evil monologues. One black hole. I suppose I could have an issue with the other Judges rather lackadaisical attitude towards Dredd and Anderson being attacked. Doesn’t quite sit with what I remember from the comic. One black hole. That’s it. Three black holes.
A grand total of eleven stars and my massive encouragement that you all see this film. If there were a chart listing comic book movies based on how well they translated over this one would be all the way over on the right next to (or even a little past) the Avengers (Green Lantern and the Green Hornet would be over on the left). See it in a theater, and pay the extra for the 3D. Date movie? Hell no. This movie is so laden with testosterone they were probably spraying it on the popcorn. There is absolutely nothing a normal girl would like in this movie. Bathroom break? Trust me, you don’t want to miss a second of this film. If you really don’t think you can hold it for 95 lousy minutes sneak an empty bottle in with you if you know what I mean (please don’t do that really. It’s gross. Just cross your legs and dash for the restroom at the end).
Thanks for reading. This is looking like a great weekend for me as I plan to see End of Watch tonight. Look for that review tomorrow. If you have comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be email to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu (act now to be number 168!). Talk to you soon.
Dave
ParaNorman in 3D Review
I Maed a Mov1e W1th Z0mb1e5 1n It
Extra nerd props to anyone who knows where I got that sub title from. Anyway, I was supposed to see Hit and Run last night but the timing sucked and I didn’t want to be out until midnight. I have important Warhammer related stuff to do. This one was playing at a more fitting time and as I loved Coraline I thought this one would make for a nice viewing.
As is my rule for kids movies I will not be doing my usual stars/black holes but rather taking it in more on an impression basis. My impression is not bad, but not great. Certainly not as good as Coraline, but certainly better than Brave. However, if this were a bell curve ParaNorman would sit on the Brave side of the hump rather than the Coraline side.
Don’t get me wrong. Visually this movie is stunning, with a seemless blend of amazing stop motion and CGI. The art is great, and you tend to forget its animated after a while. It’s like the Lorax with a soul. It also has the benefit of direction that many live action films could seriously be jealous of. Of course, the amount of effort put into a single stop motion scene as compared to shooting some dopey actors means you had better have your direction dialed unless you want your production people to mutiny.
Where, then, does it not work for me (I was about to type “fall apart” but in truth it doesn’t really fall apart so much as just stumble a few times)? Basically in two portions: the tone and the overall writing.
By tone I mean I can’t figure out if this is for kids or adults. Most good kids movies are for kids but put in enough adult stuff to keep dads from wanting to sneak to the bar down the street. In truth this film is too gruesome and horror-ish to be for kids, yet at the same time the story, jokes, and characters too childish for adults. The jokes that are in there are painfully obvious and predicable, and delivered with the subtlety of a baseball bat. Instead of writing in brilliant items for each group (Toy Story, Incredibles, etc) it lands squarely in the middle zone, or as I like to put it Mediocre Valley.
The story also impacts in that zone, with a pretty formulaic, prosaic message that has been spat out by any number of Disney movies and after school specials. This film is so deeply mired in the Stereotype Swamp (at the south end of the Mediocre Valley) that is needs a flat bottomed boat just to go shopping for groceries. There’s Norman, the creepy kid who talks to dead people and is bullied and ostracized by other kids at school at school; his fat friend who is a big weenie and goes on chip eating binges; his suburban disbelieving parents; his older social butterfly sister; their super nerdy girl friend; the fat kids older brother who is a dumb jock; the fat cop on a scooter; a big bully; and a cast of local yokels who make the guys from Deliverance look like the supporting characters from Sex and the City. It’s like the writers had a kids/horror stereotype checklist and scored in the 90% zone.
The story is of Norman, a weird kid who can see and talk to dead people. That very important plot element is beaten to death in the first ten minutes as he wanders the town talking to assorted ghosts but is then dropped entirely unless it is needed to advance the plot. He has what looks like a typical childhood; abused by his peers, bullied by a bigger kid, has a fat loser for a sidekick, and has all his major issues more or less ignored by his parents (if you think that last sentence might give you an insight into my own childhood I won’t say you are wrong). His crazy uncle wants him to take over keeping the local witch from rising from her grave and bringing forth the seven people responsible for her death as zombies (that Zombie Apocalypse image actually comes from our Cheap T Shirt category, incidentally).
Naturally things go haywire, starting with the death of the uncle and the undead rising up. The seven zombies do stuff that makes sense in a zombie movie but later when you realize what their real motivation is you kind of end up scratching your head. There is a long van chase scene with the head zombie trying to kill them all that will leave you confused if you think about it.
So it’s up to Norman to save the day with a long speech about the evilness of bullying and how it is better to forgive and forget or something. At the time the visuals were at their all time most amazing and I kind of lost track of the dialog (which was nothing to write home about anyway).
Anyway, it’s not a bad movie. If you are into animation and visuals you will really enjoy it. I don’t think it’s a great movie for pre teen kids, and honestly I don’t think it’s a great film for adults who expect to laugh with their kids. I will say the 3D was pretty good and enhanced the film a lot, so try to see it on a big screen in 3D. If you are going just because you hope for another Coraline I hope you enjoy popcorn. Date movie? This should work OK but I am not going to give it 2 thumbs up on it. Bathroom break? That’s easy. At one point the Mystery Gang (oh yeah, did I mention that if you squint and decide the bully is Scooby you basically have an episode of Scooby Doo?) go into the city hall and start doing an exciting search through old records to find the witch’s grave. Feel free to duck out right there if you are truly riveted by the story.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something else soon, although tonight is movie night at my friend Brian’s house and he has announced he will be showing something called Attack of the Two Headed Shark. Sounds amazing. Follow me on Twitter @nerdkungfu. Post a comment here if you loved this movie and think I am a soulless insensitive jerk for not shouting its praises from the rooftops (you can also comment if you think my reviews are good and this one is spot on. Also feel free to post if you have met me and think I am amazing. I can’t get enough of that). If you have off topic questions or comments feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Amazing Dave
Bieber Fever is finally starting to abate.
Dave wants me to stay focused on nerd specific stuff like comic books and video games, but I happen to have a burning hatred of Justin Bieber that I think most nerds would share and therefore feel like this belongs on this forum. The fact is Justin did a TV show last night that came in with a very low 0.9 rating and was beaten by something called Dogs in the City, a show about dogs and a city of some kind. Simultaneously his new album is tanking pretty hard too.
All this puts a big grin on my face. Is it possible that America is finally starting to figure out what a worthless twat he really is and how completely lacking in anything resembling content or worth his “music” is? This is like the end of the Wizard of Oz when Toto pulls the curtain aside revealing that the great an powerful Oz is really a dopey little man who can’t navigate his hot air balloon.
Of course the problem is as Bieber follows the Jonas Bros into mediocrity it only opens the door for the next lame hipster pretty boy. I sincerely hope the teenage population can keep from falling in love with a guy who should really be working at a Hot Dog on a Stick stand, but I kind of doubt it.
Jason
P.S. Hate spam me all you want. Part of the deal I worked out with Dave is he gets to handle all the negative responses to my posts. This Die Hipster Scum picture I found in his cheap t shirt collection. I think I need to get one for myself.
Moonrise Kingdom Review
Whimsically weird and delightful.
Wow that felt kind of pretentious and d-baggy to write. However, I can’t honestly think of a better way to describe this film. A story of young love as told in an innocent and surreal script set in 1965. And while it wouldn’t be one of my reviews without finding something in it for me to nit pick about, overall a very successful movie in my opinion.
Before I go any further I would also like to applaud director Wes Anderson for setting a film in the 60’s and not have the damned thing overrun by hippies. The whole “peace and love” movement culminating in the Summer of Love has so dominated the American perception of the 60’s that it is easy to forget that there were any number of cool cultural things going on that didn’t involve long hair and not bathing (I don’t really have a lot of images that are hippy related, but I did find this anti-hipster image from the Cheap T Shirt category that I think is really funny and actively support).
I would also like to mention that the camera work bordered on brilliant, and the editing really contributed to the flow and development of the movies (special props to Robert D. Yoeman for his camera work and Andrew Weisblum on the editing). Furthermore, the soundtrack was really well done (more props out to Alexadre Desplat). It is refreshing to see a movie that seems to have all the elements of the film working together in balance rather than dominating a couple and letting the rest follow along or rot on the vine.
The story is of young Sam (Jared Gilman-first movie credit) and Suzy (Kara Hayward-also first credit). Sam is a Khaki Scout deserter and Suzy his pen pal love interest. They meet up and run across a small New England island. They both have their emotional issues; Sam is an orphan with an eclectic perception of the world and Suzy is a troubled pre-teen with distant and uninvolved parents. (the cool thing about their issues, by the way, is that they are delivered in a very subtle manner over the passage of time rather than spoon fed to us an a plate). They met the year before at a church play. Sam is in his full Scout uniform while Suzy is dressed like a 60’s flight attendant, all in pink.
Sam is pursued by Scoutmaster Ward (Ed Norton-Fight Club, the Incredible Hulk, American History X) and the rest of his troop, all of whom despise him. This being the 60’s, Ward is constantly smoking and the boys in his troop are armed to the teeth. Suzy’s absence is noted by her parents Laura (Frances McDormand-Almost Famous, Burn After Reading, Tranformers Dark of the Moon) and Walt (the great Bill Murray-Groundhog Day, Lost in Translation, Ghostbusters). Each party contacts the local law enforcer Capt. Sharp (the also great Bruce Willis-Die Hard, the Sixth Sense, the Fifth Element) who starts running around the island looking for the kids. Meanwhile the two make their way across the island with the aid of Sam’s wilderness skills and Suzy’s girlish preparedness. The have been writing each other for a year and connect further through her love of fantasy novels involving unicorns and magic.
Eventually they are caught, and things are looking grim for orphan Sam. The story, which up until that point had progressed in a very linear manner fragments and the pacing ramps up considerably. Young love hijinks ensues. A storm strikes. No one turns out to be really bad, just sometimes uncaring.
The stars. Really cute, entrancing story. One star. Really well told and overall very good. Two stars. Brilliant camera and editing work. One star. Soundtrack was really good too (you know it has to be exceptional for me to even notice it). One star. Great performances from young Jared and Kara. I am sure we will see them in other things soon. One star. An amazing cast of great actors who all performed brilliantly. Bill Murray, Bruce Willis, and Ed Norton, all playing outside of their standard roles. Two stars. A nice call back to the non-hippy 60’s when kids were allowed to run around unsupervised and actually injure themselves. The Khaki Scout running around and attacking each other was pretty much exactly what being in the Boy Scouts in the 70’s was like. One star. The humor, while for the most part tongue in cheek, was brilliant and laugh worthy. Pretty much every shot had some kind of sight gag or cultural reference. One star. Dialog was extremely good. One star. Total: eleven stars.
The black holes. Not a lot, really. I found the sexualization of 12 year old Suzy and some of the scenes with Sam to be kind of off putting. Too much makeup, and a second base scene involving kids was something I found creepy and disturbing. I know it was supposed to remain an innocent love, but I found that one scene really drained a lot of the innocence away. One black hole. Normally in a movie of this nature I would find the pacing slow, but I think in this case it was 100% appropriate for the telling of the story. Total: one black hole.
A grand total of 10 stars. Absolutely you should see this movie if you like anything that is not dominated by explosions. It is really fun. Also this is a brilliant date movie. I think any girl would be turned on by having seen this film, so take a girl to a theater. Bathroom break? While none of the scenes in this film are truly necessary for the progression of the story the are almost all worth watching. I think your best bet would be the one with the Bishop parents (Bill Murray and Frances McDormand) are lying in bed staring at the ceiling talking. No great camera work and not a lot that contributes to the whole of the story.
Thanks as always for reading. I also saw the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel yesterday and will try to write it up tonight. I am seeing Snow White and the Huntsman tonight so look for that one tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post comments on this film here, or if you have questions, suggestions, or comments on other topics feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
How they could have made the movie Battleship not suck.
So I’m starting a new thing for nights when I don’t have anything else to write about and it’s my special “How they could have made (insert sucky movie title here) not suck”. If you are a regular reader you should know by now I have a massive ego and overinflated sense of my own intellect and therefore feel totally qualified to tell guys in Hollywood who have been doing this all their lives how to do their jobs.
All that being said, the movie Battleship had some major issues and could probably have used some help. One of the biggest and stupidest mistakes was the steps the movie took to actually get the U.S.S. Missouri at full steam and armed in about two hours. I spoke to a guy I know in the Coast Guard the other day and he said those big steam engine ships would take two days just to get the boilers hot enough to generate steam and when you think about the thermodynamics of heating a giant tank of water to the boiling point that kind of makes sense. Also, there is no way they keep 30 year old live rounds on a ship with tourists on board. Furthermore, the pretense they had for including the game of Battleship into the movie Battleship was flimsy at best. (Failboat image I found lurking in the cheap t shirt category)
I, in all my genius, have thought of a plot that would both solve these problems and overall make for a much better and believable movie. Here it is:
Aliens invade the Earth. They set up a floating base out in the Pacific. The aliens breathe chlorine, and start to xenoform the planet (the term terraform is when we attempt to change the environment of an alien planet to let us live. If aliens do it here it’s xenoforming) the planet by pulling chlorine from the salt water (NaCl, for those of us who missed high school chemistry) pumping it into the atmosphere. Our navy attempts to assault them only to find out the aliens employ a powerful electromagnetic pulse (EMP) generator that fries all electronics that approach them. No radar, computers, missiles, range finders or pocket calculators work anymore, and with the ships more or less dead in the water the aliens ships sink them at their leisure. Aircraft without electronics falls out of the sky, leaving us helpless to thwart their dastardly scheme.
However, changing the entire atmosphere of a planet is a long process, leaving us weeks before the levels of chlorine get dangerous. How, then, to assault the aliens without our electronics? How about the dozens of ships in the mothball fleet? Most of them would take weeks if not months to retrofit with strickly analog controls, but a few older ships still have analog in place. First and foremost, the noble and mighty U.S.S. Missouri. Within a few short weeks of massive retrofit the ship with a number of analog equipped support ships steams to battle the alien menace.
Once they close with the aliens they discover that a byproduct of the xenoforming process seems to be a visibility obscuring fog that leaves the more or less steaming around blind. However, the aliens are in the same boat (haw!) and the battle is reduced to shooting blindly and hoping for a hit, or perhaps firing off flares in hopes of gaining a target.
You get the idea. This strikes me as being a much better story and just cutting some chains and running off. Movies like this just show how lazy and unimaginative Hollywood really is.
Thanks for reading. I think I am going to have fun with these. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have ideas on how else this movie could have been improve by all means post them here. Off topic comments or suggestions for other movies that could be improved email to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Lockout Movie Review
In space, no one can hear a mediocre movie.
Lockout is Luc Besson’s latest shlock epic. It combines elements of watchability-good action, decent production values, an appealing main character, a camera-with elements that make you wish you were still seeing previews-a simplistic, derivative story (Die Hard in space), paper cut out characters with no development, a soundtrack that seems lifted from a mid 90’s FPS video game, a complete lack of understanding (or disregard) of how zero gravity physics work, and a flicker style editing process used to bandage up the holes in the story progression. In a nutshell dumb but fun.
I know this paints me as a complete nerd, but let me talk a little about science. The concepts I am about to go into are not really hard to understand and I would think one of the 36 member (thank you IMDB) primary cast and crew would know them. 
First of all, if you are on a station in free fall and you and your hot love interest jump off, you do not immediately start falling faster down towards Earth. The best you could hope for would be to accelerate horizontally away from the station. I don’t want to get into the whole “artificial gravity” thing (another impossibility) but this is not hard to understand. Also, if you do jump out in an EVA suit there is no way you are going to survive the re-entry burn. (Pigs Fly image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category)
Another thing that drove me nuts is the realities of zero gravity combat. Even today in the air combats are resolved from kilometers away. In space, with nothing to slow down bullets or missiles, combat would be resolved at a distance of thousands of kilometers. There is no way a bunch of “fighter” spacecraft would have to weave in and out of the spars of a space station (don’t get me started on the impossible physics of that actually happening, Inertia is a bitch) in order to plant a magnetic nuclear mine to it. Furthermore, what the hell is the deal with a magnetic nuclear mine? Has no one on this team ever heard of a missile with a nuclear warhead? Watch the scene and you will see how stupid it is.
Oh, also take a minute and wonder how many bullets and explosions can fly around a space station before there is a breach. According to this movie it’s something like 1,000,000,000.
On the other hand the action is pretty good. Decently done, although they did a lot of quick cuts to make up for the actors inability to perform physically (I think I am going to coin a term for that type of fight sequence editing. From now on let’s call it “granular editing”). Guy Pearce makes the character of Snow work by being sarcastically charming the entire time. All the characters were horrifically one dimensional (Scooby Doo has more depth) but for the most part that one dimension was entertaining, especially the two bad guys. The one thing they did that annoyed was they seemed to have cut out a lot of little 5-10 seconds scenes that kind of explain what is happening. Maybe to keep within budget? It’s like they took the granular editing system (see? The term works) so many action movies are employing these days and extended it to the entire film. Either that or the directors were easily bored with shooting the non-exciting stuff and blew it all off.
The story is simplistic and predictable. Guy Pearce (Momento, Hurt Locker, L.A. Confidential) is Snow, a renegade ex CIA operative who gets framed for the murder of another agent. There is a briefcase with some ill defined evidence that might get him off, but for some reason he feels he needs to have his buddy Mace (what’s with the names in this film) hide the stuff while he goes off the space prison for 30 years. Meanwhile, the President’s daughter (Maggie Grace-Taken, Lost, Night and Day) is working for her daddy inspecting the worlds first prison in space, which was apparently built with all the safeguards of a closet with a sticky door. The prisoners all break out with the help of main baddy Hydell (Joseph Gilgun-Harry Brown, This is England, Emmerdale) and his brother Alex (Vincent Regan-300, Clash of the Titans, Troy). There seems to be some kind of attempt at a police negotiation that goes no where. Snow is sent on board to rescue the girl and has his own agenda as well (his buddy Mace is on board and opted to rot in suspended animation forever rather than give up the location of the suitcase with something(?) inside it). Guns get shot. Bad guys act bad. Good guys act good. Maggie Grace manages to avoid showing any skin above her neck or below her long sleeve arm holes.
The stars. Guy Pearce was entertaining. One star. So was Joseph Gilgun. One star. Action was entertaining in a brainless sort of way. One star. While the story was dumb on a genetic level the dialog was decent. One star. Decent special effects given the budget limitations. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. Complete and utter disregard of fairly simple scientific concepts. One black hole. The space dog fight, and the freaking nuclear limpet mine (with 30 second digital counter on the outside). One black hole. A space prison with absolutely no prison safety features. Have you ever considered some kind of remote control in case the prisoners do something unprecedented like take it over? Or putting a “lock” on the control room door? One black hole. Not even an attempt at character development, with most of them so flat you could get a paper cut picking them up. One black hole. The editiing out of some key items that might have made things a little easier. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A straight zero, which is about what I expected. This movie is both better and worse than the trailers make out out to be. If you are looking for dumb, dumb entertainment then look no further. Shut down your higher brain functions and enjoy. If you have an issue with pre Newtonian physics and want characters to be more than mannequins from which to hang bullets off of, maybe you should give it a pass. It’s not Taken or the Professional. Date movie? Probably not. Big screen? Meh. Maybe, but most of it was shot inside corridors so I think a home viewing experience would be OK.
Nothing to see tonight, I think. Also I am moving into a new office and have a lot of work to do. I’ll think of something for tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter or email me with questions and suggestions at [email protected]. Feel free to post comments here on this review or movie. Have a good day.
Dave
The Arriviste Movie Review
Newcomer filmmaker Pascal Santschi contacted me and asked me to watch and review his very independent film, the Arriviste. I am a big fan of indy films and am of course happy to view a screener, so was glad to oblige.
I think the best word to describe this film is Ambitious, with a capital A. It is obviously a labor of love, with Mr. Santschi more or less doing all the writing, directing, shooting, scoring, editing, and now marketing of the film. It puts the “ow” in low budget, but wears the label proudly as a badge of honor. It is the lowest budget film ever produced on 35mm at $9,500, and to be honest I have seen worse films done with literally 2,000 times the budget.
That being said, it definitely suffers from all the gremlins that plague a low budget film; poor shot quality, framing issues, limited scene location, a lack of action or believable special effects, mediocre sound quality, homemade score, poor lighting in most scenes, and shaky camera work. The film is shot in NYC, yet somehow fails to carry the location across. It could have been shot in any urban city in America. However, due to the nature of the budget and my own love of indie films I am going to suspend my usual star/black hole rating system, as the technical issues alone would rack up an unfair amount black holes rapidly. I would like to give Pascal props for pulling off a completely guerilla shooting production, something that hearkens me back to my days in art school.
The film looks, sounds, and feels like an early 70’s American or late 70’s French hard boiled crime drama. It follows young Nick, a troubled guy on probation, looking for the lost corpse of his dead older brother William. William was blackmailing some people, and they seem to believe Nick has it. William also had a generous life insurance policy which Nick is supposed to be the beneficiary of, but he can’t collect it until he proves his brother is dead (hence the need to find the corpse). There is another guy trying to buy out the policy from Nick, the people looking for Williams information, and a reporter trying to get the details in order to sell his true crime novel. A nurse shows up as the only female character and has her own agenda as well. 
To be perfectly blunt for most of the movie I really thought the plot was a little too complex and convoluted for my soft brain, but at the end the script pulls out a couple of twists that tie things up nicely in a manner I found pleasing (I Thought the Wizard Promise You a Brain image courtesy of the Cheap T Shirt category).
Like I said, I won’t get into my normal nit picky stars/black holes on this. I will say this film, while chock full of low budget and overambitious problems, had seeds of brilliance sown in as well. I thought the editing was excellent. The acting ran hot and cold, but then out of nowhere a scene that was exceptionally well acted would appear. There were all kinds of camera and shot problems, but then a shot would come that was exceptionally well done.
So was this film good or not? If you try to compare it to most current films with a budget you might not think so. Odds are you will find the grainy film quality difficult to enjoy. However, if you take it for what I see it as-a dedicated attempt at a guy to break into film making without having to do all the creativity crushing menial bull crap that Hollywood uses to make sure everyone continues to toe the line and keep producing rote garbage like any of the Transformers movies-than it is absolutely amazing. Should you try to see this movie? If you are a fan of rote garbage and think movies are somehow improved if you can see them in 3D probably not. If you have an appreciation for the different, enjoy independent films, are now or have ever studied film seriously, or just want a glimpse into the heart of a true artist and believer, absolutely. When you see a movie this raw and bare bones you can actually perceive the movie making process, and I find that refreshing.
Thanks for reading, and thanks to Pascal Santschi for letting me see this film and review it. I honestly would like to see what he could do given a bigger than 4 figure budget, so if anyone out there is looking to support what could be a great future movie talent consider contacting him. I will go ahead and link the Arriviste Facebook Page here. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me with comments, suggestions, or invitations to screen your films at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
A Seperation Movie Review
Conclusive proof that life can suck in any language.
After failing miserably at my guessing how much a movie is going to suck when it came to the Artist, I decided I had better see some of the other Oscar winners and was fortunate enough to find A Separation playing at the Grand Lake Cinema down the street. I feel vindicated, as my early assessment of this movie-that it would be really good and really depressing-were pretty much on the money.
The film is Iranian, and shot in a much more day to day style than pretty much anything else I have seen from Arabic countries. As a look into life in Iran, combining elements of what we would consider normal with severe religious and cultural differences, it was brilliant and fascinating. You see a family dealing with divorce and an ailing Alzheimer relative much as a Western family would have to, but while dealing with the Islamic court and serious religious considerations. Very well done, and well worth your time in viewing. The thing I liked the best was the sympathy and empathy that I and I believe the entire audience felt for the characters, in spite of the fact that Iran is currently being vilified on a daily basis by popular media. It was wonderful to see human faces put on a culture that most Americans would not even want to learn anything about.
That being said, the movie was as depressing as humanly possible. The concession stand could have done a bang up business selling cyanide pills. The filmmaker Asghar Farhadi (Trial on the Street, Tambourine, About Elly) successfully gets the audience to become fully invested in all the characters in spite of the massive cultural divide and consequently we all felt a great deal of sadness and empathy for the tragic events unrolling on the screen. No one is happy through most of this. BIG SPOILER ALERT: skip to the next paragraph if spoilers bug you, but if you are the type of person who enjoys a film that wraps things up and has a nice conclusion for good or ill, prepare to be bitterly disappointed.
The story is of an Iranian couple going through divorce. The wife Simin (Leila Hatami-Leila, the Deserted Station, Salad-e-fasi) wants to leave the country with their eleven year old daughter Termeh (Sarina Farhadi-no other credits, but daughter of the director). The husband Nader (Peyman Moadi-Coma, Atash, Cafe Satareh) needs to stay home to take care of his Alzheimer afflicted father (Ali-Asghar Shahbazi -no other credits). They seperate, and she moves in with her parents while he stays home with his father and daughter. He hires a woman Razieh (Sareh Bayat-no other credits) to take care of him while he works. She comes over with her young daughter (Kimia Hosseini-no credits. By the way, this little girl is possible the cutest kid ever) to take care of the old man. She suffers a crisis when he soils himself and she has to change his pants for him. She has to call a religious hotline to see if it would be a sin to help him with it. Dealing with the old man is much harder than she first anticipated, especially when it is revealed that she is pregnant. She struggles to maintain him and do the local chores, and when Nader comes home to find his father tied to the bed and the woman missing he pushes her out the door, possibly inducing her miscarriage.
At that point we end up in Islamic court, which is considerably different than American court. There are no lawyers or juries, just an elder judge who basically argues with both sides until he gets a picture of what he thinks happened. They also let the two parties sit in a crowded hallway giving each other the stink eye all day long. The woman’s husband Hodjat (Shahab Hosseini-Final Whistle, About Elly, Zero Degree Turn) is a passionate and hotheaded man who has been unemployed for months. He spends a lot of time basically stalking Nader and his family while pursuing his case in court. Things go from bad to worse, and the case gets continuously more complicated and ugly as time goes on.
The stars. An amazing look into a culture that we as Americans know very little about. Three stars. Extremely well acted and portrayed. All the characters showed passion and in spite of the fact that it was all subtitled I felt I got to know all of them as much as my Western perception would allow, and I came to care about all of them. Two stars. For the technology and production limitations the movie was very well shot. One star. Story was good, and had a few really cool twists once you got your head around the fact that you were not watching an American court movie. One star. Overall an extremely well done movie, deserving of the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. The ending made me want to scream in frustration. When you see the movie you will understand. One black hole. That’s it.
A grand total of eight stars, and you know a foreign film has to be good for me to not black hole them for the sin of making me read throughout an entire movie (I hate subtitles). If you have any interest in other cultures at all, or would like to see Iranians portrayed as something other than lunatic terrorists, then definitely see this film. If you can get to a theater cool, but if not I don’t think you will miss much if you see it at home. None of the camera work was groundbreaking.
Thanks for reading. I plan to see the Hunger Games (due to licencing restrictions I can’t get any Hunger Games t-shirts on my site, but whenever I get hungry I start thinking about bacon and thought this shirt from the cheap t shirt category might be apropos) at midnight on Thursday/Friday, so look for that review Friday morning. I don’t think I can (or want to) see anything else before that. I’m kind of in a mood to do some dating advice again, so I might throw something out there tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu, or email suggestions or questions to [email protected]. Feel free to post comments here. Unless you cuss I am happy to allow them even if you disagree with me (or Jason, as he found out a couple days ago). Thanks again. Talk to you soon.
Dave
