The Sub-Mariner rumored to be the next villain in Iron Man 3
So I heard a rumor today online that the villain they are considering for the next Iron Man movie is the Sub-Mariner. I actually think this is a pretty cool idea. The Sub-Mariner was always kind of a mysterious character who had his own agenda and complete contempt and disregard for surface dwellers. He was like a cool Aquaman. I also really like him because he looked a lot like a Vulcan, and I have always been a big Spock fan.
This will actually prove a nice challenge for Tony Stark. Does his suit even work underwater? I don’t expect it to rust or anything dumb like that, but is it truly water proof? Do the repulsors work underwater? How long of an air supply has he built into the suit? In the first movie the thing flared out in the upper atmosphere, so maybe there is no air supply, just some kind of filter. I am really curious.
Of course, the very first Iron Man as seen in this image I found in Dave’s comic book t shirts was really primitive, showing there is an evolution of the suit technology. Maybe the movie will start off with the suit not really able to do anything under water and Tony having to modify it into an aqua suit. That would be cool.
Of course, in my comic book recollection the Sub-Mariner was always more of a Fantastic Four villain, but maybe I missed a few issues.
Jason
TMNT Reboot?
So it may surprise some of you that I am actually a fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. However, I am a fan of them back when they were actually ninjas who killed people, not scooter riding kiddie cartoons throwing pizzas at each other. The very first TMNT movie almost captured that, at least to an extent, but everything afterward, especially the cartoon, has basically been pap for soft brained kids. Actually, it’s pap that soft brains kid’s parents all think their kids should love. In my experience most kids are totally cool with ninjas killing guys.
Anyway, I read this morning that they are rebooting the movie series, and Michael Bey will be filming it. Unlike Dave I don’t really have a problem with Bey as long as he doesn’t keep putting in whiny little girls as the male protagonists. My hope is that he manages to bring the turtles back to when they were kind of kick ass and dangerous, as seen in this image from the Comic Boot T-Shirts. With the advances in CGI and Beys skill with it the action could be pretty good, and odds are he will find some brainlessly super hot girl to have his camera linger over every scene. However, if he caves into the modern pressure to produce inoffensive crap expect to see a lame PG film with nothing actually resembling blood or drama.
Jason
Safe House Movie Review
Decent, in a standard way.
I am a Denzel Washington fan, and something I learned while watching his best (in my opinion) movie Training Day is he is way more entertaining as a bad guy than a good guy which is why Safe House works for me. However, I think one of the main reasons I like Denzel Washington is he actually has a really good eye for scripts and manages to stay away from obvious dogs. His discriminating tastes is the main reason I will see anything he opts to work on.
That being said, the script for Safe House is on the far end of the good script spectrum for Denzel, almost bordering on the mediocre. Honestly, if this movie hadn’t had Mr. Washington’s precise delivery and perfect acting ability the flaws in the script would have risen up like scum on the surface of a stagnant pond and filled the theater with the odor of decaying organic matter. The story latches onto every spy movie cliche like a remora eel and the events connecting the assorted action sequences are tenuous at best, with plot devices so far removed from what would actually make sense that it sometimes feels like you are watching them through a telescope in another solar system.
As for Ryan Reynolds and his performance, I am torn. On the one hand, in his last few efforts (Green Lantern in particular. Green Lantern shirt image courtesy of the Comic Book T-Shirt category) I have railed against him constantly playing Van Wilder over and over again; the sleezy pretty party boy who can’t help but smarm and sleep with anything remotely attractive in the movie and to be fair in this film he manages to avoid that role completely. He is a serious and career minded CIA operative with a girlfriend he loves deeply. On the other hand, he seems to alternate between looking completely helpless and being a young James Bond. I can’t even say this was the result of a decent character arc, with him being inexperienced at the beginning and developing into a hard case by the end. Instead the movie changes gears back and forth without warning, with his character either hiding in a dark corner (literally) or ruthlessly gunning down whatever gets in his way.
The story is of young Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds-Green Lantern, the Change Up, Buried), a CIA operative who is basically a hotel keeper at a secret safe house in Cape Town. Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington-Training Day, Man on Fire, Inside Man) is a traitor and super spy who gets himself captured. He is placed in Matt’s safe house where a team of Aryan Army looking CIA guys are going to water board and torture him for whatever he was doing in Cape Town (selling some top secret information, but honestly the actual reasons for most of the movie seem pretty inconsequential). While they are in the process another team of guys attacks and kills pretty much everyone. Watson takes Tobin out at gunpoint and the long, long chase begins. He is being pursued by some bad guys while being ordered by his superiors to do different dumb stuff. Tobin is a master of human manipulation and works on getting into Matt’s head.
Honestly, I can’t get much more into the story without more or less giving it all away. Spy hijinks ensues. Stuff blows up. Guys get shot. There are about as many cliches as bullets fired, including the ending.
The stars. Denzel Washington. Two stars. Denzel Washington playing a villain rather than a hero. One star. The action was all pretty good and exciting, if a little repetitive. One star. The romance subplot, which normally would I find distracting and worthless, actually added a lot to the story. It gave Tobin a real tool to get into Matt’s head and screw with him, which added a lot to the story. One star. The interaction between Tobin and Matt was really well done, and pulled you into the story in many ways that the plot did not. Two stars. Generally entertaining. Two stars. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Weak script. Two black holes. Inconsistent tone from Ryan Reynold’s character. One black hole. Spy story cliches we have all seen in about fifty movies, including the ending. One black hole. Some pretty gaping plot holes. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Not bad, but to be honest not what I expect from a movie Denzel Washington chooses to star in. Also, if anyone else had been cast in his role the movie probably would have swung into the black hole zone. Worth seeing? Sure, if you don’t want to follow the plot too closely. The action is the best part after Denzel’s performance, so it might be worth seeing on a big screen. Date movie? Meh. Maybe, if she is into this sort of thing, or Denzel Washington (or, for that matter, Ryan Reynolds). On the other hand odds are you will suffer in comparison to either of those two guys, so consider it carefully.
Thanks for reading. More movies coming out this weekend. I will probably see the Vow, about as chick flick as a movie can get. If I am feeling the need to expel mass quantities of bile I might see Mysterious Island 2 but I can already tell how that is going to suck. I am torn regarding seeing The Phantom Menace 3D. On the one hand I don’t want to give even a dime to support such mediocre movie making or George Lucas. On the other hand, since I did not have this blog going when I first saw it I might enjoy doing the review. I think what I might do is buy a ticket for a movie that I like (Chronicle, for example) and then just sneak in to the other theater. I have some 3D glasses lying around here somewhere. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. I’ve noticed I don’t get a ton of comments for specific requests or blog ideas so if you would like to contact me without posting simply email me feel free to do so at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Why I’m OK with Tobey Maguire not playing Spider-man in the next movie.
So I was reading online last night about the new Spider-man movie and saw a bunch of weirdo fan boys whining because they cast someone else besides Tobey Maguire as Spider-man. Honestly, I am cool with this decision. The fact is, a real fan of Spider-man is a fan of the comic book hero. Even a fan of the movies has to be a fan of the mask. Peter Parker is just there to give context to the problems Spider-man faces when not punching out bad guys. Also, in general Peter Parker is supposed to be a young guy and Tobey is starting to push the limit.
For that matter, I don’t really think Tobey Maguire has defined Peter Parker with his amazing acting ability, and his willingness to turn Peter Parker into a total emo cretin in the last movie has really caused him to lose any claim he might have had on the roll. Anyone who is QQing about Tobey Maguire is obviously just a Tobey Maguire fan, not a Spider-man fan. Honestly I can’t really think of a real reason to be a Maguire fan, unless you are really hot for him. I looked at his other movies and they all look like junk. I, and I think most of the world, am ready for him to slink off into obscurity, resurfacing 20 years from now to sign autographs at Comic Con.
The new guy looks shockingly like Tobey, so I guess you won’t have your brain broken too much having to watch him. The image above I pulled off a new comic book t-shirt Dave just had the guys upload onto the site. Talk to you soon.
Jason
Chronicle Movie Review
Pretty much the senior year in High School I always dreamed of.
How does this sound familiar? A introverted high school geek is abused by his alcoholic father and all of his so-called peers. Ignored by girls, pushed around by bullies, and spending each day in an alienating Skinner box of loneliness. Then, through some set of mysterious (and blatantly unexplained) phenomenon he gains super powers and uses them to wreck most of his town and punish all who had ever wronged him. To be honest, I really didn’t have to see Chronicle as I wrote the script for it pretty much every day in my head throughout high school and for a bunch of years after that.
First off, this movie is pretty freaking amazing. Found footage is a little overplayed these days, but in this case it is used to present some pretty amazing concepts and really good characters, each with their own personality and priorities. Plus it is about kids with super powers. Additionally I was really impressed with the acting and performances of the three kids, and the found footage aspect of the movie felt incredibly organic and real.
It’s usually at this point in one of my reviews where I say something like “That’s not to say the movie doesn’t have it’s faults, which we will go into detail shortly”. However, as I sit here reflecting on my cinema experience I honestly can’t think of anything that bugged me about this film. I’ll try to think about something before I get to the black holes, but overall I think this was an excellent movie.
The story is of Andrew (Dane DeHaan-In Treatment, True Blood, the Front), an introverted geek treated with abuse and contempt and disregard by pretty much everyone around him except for his cousin Matt (Alex Russell-Almost Kings, the Best Man, Wasted on the Young). He buys an old camera to document his life but it is also implied he is using it as a defense against his abusive father (Micheal Kelly-Adjustment Bureau, Dawn of the Dead, Unbreakable) and the people around him, as well as film the last days of his dying mother (Bo Peterson-the Wooden Camera, Endgame, the Bone Snatcher). Matt drags him to a rave in a barn somewhere. After a few minutes of him looking and acting painfully out of place (lots of deja vu there for me as well) he gets dragged out of the parking lot by the most popular kid in school, Steve (Micheal B. Jordan-Friday Night Lights, House M.D., Red Tails) who wants him to use his camera to film something weird in a field. It is a tunnel leading down. Matt, Steve, and Andrew all descend, where they see a big glowing thing that gives them all telekinetic ability.
At this point the film turns into a documentary of the three boys as they develop and strengthen their abilities, as well as their friendships. They run around doing what teenage boys would given God-like powers: play pranks on people and laughing their asses off. As things develop they gain more and more powers, including flight and invulnerability. Meanwhile, Andrews friendship with Steve helps him gain popularity, at least until he gets drunk at a party and embarrasses himself in front of a girl, who blabs it all over the school proving once again that women are evil (oops did I type that part out loud?).
Anyway, things take place that many people may interpret as a dark turn but which I saw the inevitable conclusion of an abused geek gaining powers, showing once again that geeks are to be feared and respected, not abused. Paybacks are a bitch, and he starts dealing it wholesale. He also is motivated to find money to help his sick mother. I don’t want to get too much into the rest of the story. Nothing will really surprise you too much, but I found it enjoyable nevertheless.
The stars. Really well done found footage movie. Two stars. The character development was really strong for all three guys, and the interaction between the three felt very real and believable. Two stars. Good acting from the three main guys. One star. While the film was found footage, the directors managed to find really clever ways of making it not suffer from the usual gremlins of found footage films: Captain Shaky-motion-sickness-inducement and his sidekick Corp. There’s-always-one-main-character-missing-from-the-scene. I thought the use and placement of the cameras really clever and well done. One star. For being low budget the special effects were pretty cool. One star. Dialog was good and real also. One star. Overall a lot of fun. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. I think I did come up with a couple, but the really cool thing about the way this film was filmed was there doesn’t really feel like you need any of the missing information explained to you. For that matter, the missing information and unexplored sub plots actually adds to the story in this format. I will say that while the movie was good I think it would have been better if they had gone for the R rating. The PG-13 choices they were forced to make left a lot of the scenes feeling a little flat. One black hole. I will also say I was hoping Andrew would do more to his miserable class mates. That is really just me, but there it is. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So a grand total of eight stars, and the best movie I have seen so far this year. I thought this was really good, and odds are you will enjoy the heck out of it. It is more of a superhero film than anything else 
(and about 1,000 times more entertaining than big budget bomb Green Lantern. GL image courtesy of the Comic Book T-Shirt category) so treat it as such when trying to decide to bring a date to this. If she is looking forward to seeing The Avengers then she might enjoy this. If not she will be bored and in that case see it with your other nerd friends.
Thanks everyone for reading. These blogs are getting to be more and more fun to do, and I am now using my daily stats as a measure of my worth as a human being. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Thanks again, and talk to you soon.
Dave
The Nerdy Awards: The Best and Worst Movies of 2011 Part 1
Time to get into this. First of all, this is actually the best and worst movies of 2011 that I actually saw and reviewed, for the most part. If I missed something you think is supposed to be here, my apologies. I am going to do this Oscar style by listing the candidates for my fake awards and then let you know the winner. I think each post in this series I will give a few of my bitter joke awards and end up with one or two good one.
The “Who Brought This Guy Award” for the most unnecessary, worthless, or unasked for sequel of the year. The candidates are: the Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part I, Johnny English Reborn, Columbiana, and The Hangover Part II. Johnny English seems to be the obvious choice, but when you think about it the reasons for this sequel make total sense: ripping off as many foreign viewers as possible. The bitterness that resides deep in the heart of the voting Academy (one member, me) makes me inclined to go with the Hangover, but I think if the movie going audience had been poled prior to this abortion being released most people would have said a sequel was a good idea. Yes, the winner of the Who Brought This Guy Award goes to Columbiana. It was originally written as a sequel to the Professional, a film that in no way ever needed a sequel. Also it was pretty miserable as a stand alone movie.
The “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” award for the flattest, most robot-like emotionless performance(s) of the year. The candidates are Nicholas Cage for Season of the Witch and Drive Angry, Ryan Gosling for Drive, Robert the tire from Rubber, the dead cosmonaut from Apollo 18, and Atom the fighting robot from Real Steel. The winner, barely beating out the dead cosmonaut, has to be Nicholas Cage. Congratulations.
The “Accidentally drank from the Drano can instead of my beer award” (AKA the George Inman (my father) memorial award) for the movie that I thought was going be great and instead felt like I was being shot naked with a paintball gun for two hours. The candidates are The Green Hornet, The Green Lantern, Conan the Barbarian, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, the Killer Elite, and The Adventures of Tintin. In terms of biggest level of anticipation followed by biggest fall, this Nerdy can only go to the Green Lantern. I had so much hope for this movie, and was so bitterly disappointed. (Green Lantern image courtesy of the Comic Book t shirt category)
The “Purposely drank from the Drano can” award for the movie that I totally expected to suck and it did. The candidates are New Years Eve, Jack and Jill, Footloose, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, What’s Your Number, the Change Up, and I am Number Four. This Nerdy is near and dear to my heart, as it is my chance to feel good about how smart and perceptive I am. Bucky Larson was a contender, but I have to give it to Jack and Jill, the movie equivalent of passing a baseball sized kidney stone.
The “Dave is an idiot” award for the movie I expected to suck and turned out great. The candidates are Fast Five, Bridesmaids, Friends with Benefits, Our Idiot Brother, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, Warrior, and the Thing. Honestly, I am going to have to go with the Thing. I thought it was going to be another mediocre remake of a great movie, and instead it was a brilliant prequel to a great movie. Kudos.
The “I wish I had a hot car and girlfriend” award for the best driving movie. This year there were only three eligible. Drive, Drive Angry, and Fast Five. I am going to have to give this Nerdy to Fast Five. I was really surprised how much I enjoyed it. The other two were retrospectively a boring arsty noir film and a bad grindhouse spoof.
That’s it for today. Warhammer tonight and I have to compose a new list. More awards tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. By the way, I saw the trailer for the Hobbit and, while it looks decent like detecting a lump in my testicles I am starting to see signs that the cancer of remaking great stories to suit Hollywood creeping its way into this film. It’s been years since I read the Hobbit, but I don’t recall Bilbo Baggins spending a lot of time in Elrond looking at the Shards of Narsil. He was there, but it was pretty brief. Also, I couldn’t be sure but I think they stuck a human into the party besides Gandalf with the dwarfs. Also someone told me they managed to crowbar Arwen into the the story. You know, in a story as rich as the Hobbit I think it’s OK to not have a pretty face in there worthlessly. I don’t know if any of this is true, but I hope they aren’t going to ruin this in order to make a few more bucks. I’ll let you know what else I hear.
Dave
Movie Review: The Zookeeper
Maybe there is a reason animals can’t really talk.
Check this out on my YouTube video review.
Before I start ripping into this execrable film, can I state that I for one am sick of Kevin James? I can see him as possibly funny in stand up, but his film presence has just gotten overused and unpleasant. He seems to always play the same role he pioneered in King of Queens: fat loser who through the machinations of fate has somehow managed to land one or more stunningly hot women. I am not sure what dimension this is a viable possibility in, but for those of us who remain firmly ensconced in this reality it is actually a really annoying insult. I don’t consider myself fat or a loser and I can’t pull that kind of action on my best day. I’m stuck in the Bizarro world version where I get rejected constantly by the hot girls and seem to end up with the female Kevin James’s of the world. Unfortunately, he seems patently unqualified for any other type of role (could you really see him as a villain of in a serious role?) so it looks like we will be inundated in future moronic rom-coms like this (mor-rom-coms?)
Which brings us to the Zookeeper. Kevin James stars as a fat loser who works as a zookeeper and, for some ungodly reason, dates the stunning Leslie Bibb. Her character, Stephanie, is in all regards a one dimensional, self centered, shallow bitch who rejects the most awkward marriage proposal of all time simply because he works as a zookeeper. Apparently his lack of fitness or financial status are not really a concern. Anyway, she crushes him in a manner so cruel that it is likely banned by Geneva convention. Fast forward five years and he is now the lead zookeeper who works with the even more stunning Rosario Dawson, who is an “eagle enclosure expert” (does that seem a little specific to you? How many jobs are there for such a person) with a heart of gold. SPOILER ALERT: in a plot “twist” so cookie cutter I could smell ginger she turns out to be the girl he should have been into the whole time and ends the movie with. I normally would hesitate to give away something that crucial to the story, but within the first 30 seconds of her being on the screen I said” Yep, she’s the one he’ll end up with.”
By the way, I would like to point out that I am totally into Rosario Dawson. She is super hot and can actually act. What she can’t do is find a movie script that doesn’t suck. Before doing the Zookeeper, she has starred in any amount of crud. Her best movie to date (IMO) would have to be Unstoppable. She was in Death Proof, but as much as a fan of grind house theater as I am I can’t really see it as a vehicle (haw) for advancing your acting career. Percy Jackson sucked, as did Sin City, Clerks II, the Adventures of Pluto Nash, Josie and the Pussycats, Kill Shot, Eagle Eye, and Seven Pounds. When she was younger she did Kids, which is a good movie in the “looking for something to watch while killing yourself” category, but other than that she needs to find a new agent. (Josie and the Pussycats image courtesy of the comic book t shirt category)
Anyway, the guy states that he should leave working for the zoo in order to get a job that better appeals to the most shallow woman on the planet. We also start getting subjected to some truly painful and hard to watch physical comedy. At that point we find out that the animals can not only understand everything the humans are saying, but can speak perfect English too when they want to. They decide they need to help Kevin ‘mate” with Stephanie and end up giving him dopey advice with dialog so cliche and hackneyed that it made me wish that the animals only speak in barks and roars, as well as the humans in this flick.
So, romantic animal hijinks ensues. Kevin James urinates into a potted plant at a fancy restaurant to “mark his territory” and doesn’t get arrested. He more or less ruins his brother’s wedding and physically assaults the bride. He ends up toe to toe with another ex boyfriend of Stephanie, played horribly by Joe Rogan. I’ve seen Joe do some funny stuff, but the combination of his stiff delivery and the flaccid, depthless character he was handed made every scene with him in it feel like waiting on line at the DMV. Kevin’s character does a Peter-Parker-in-Spiderman-3 transformation into a suave, sophisticated urbanite who sells exotic cars to the thousands of millionaire who reside in his city. Stephanie plays the shallow, cultureless girlfriend to the hilt. Somehow Ken Jeong managed to land a roll as the creepy reptile guy. Is he going to have a bit part in every movie? Eventually Kevin discovers he really loves Rosario Dawson but apparently forgets how to use a cell phone as the only way to intercept her on the way to her new job in Nairobi (no joke. I guess they need an eagle cage there too) is a “hilarious” chase sequence in a stolen van.
Ok, the stars. The animation for the animals was as good as you are likely to see. One star. There were a few funny moments. One star. Rosario Dawson was looking hot throughout the movie, and when she dressed up super hot. One star. While the animal dialog sucked, there were a couple voices that made me laugh (Adam Sandler and Sylvester Stallone, for the most part). One star. For the extremely brief amount of time he was on screen, Ken Jeong managed to amuse me and more or less stole every scene he was in. Also he had a really cool car. One star. There was one scene where Kevin takes a gorilla out to TGI Fridays that was actually fun to watch, mainly because it was Kevin James cutting loose with a guy in a gorilla suit. One star. Total: six stars.
Now, like a tiger who has taken down an antelope and is ready to dig into the succulent entrails, I move to the black holes. The animal dialog was as bad as human language can get. Two black holes. Painful to watch physical humor. One black hole. For some reason, the director of photography seemed to feel that Kevin James’s moon face was the most appealing thing in the movie and thus we are subjected to a lot of it. Also, at one point we see him naked in a bathtub. One black hole. I’d like to give a black hole for every awkward moment that seemed to drag on forever (starting with the opening one), but will hold myself back. Two black holes. There was a completely irrelevant tangent that added nothing to the movie about Kevin’s character interacting with the high fashion world. One black hole. What extremely little character development the film had was extremely predictable. One black hole. In fact, the whole movie was excruciatingly predictable. One black hole. While pretty much all the animals except the gorilla annoyed me (there’s something you don’t say every day), the interaction between the two bears seemed to actually cause me physical pain. One black hole. Implied and described animal cruelty. One black hole. Joe Rogan bringing whatever momentum the film had to a screeching halt. One black hole. And two more black holes for just not being as much fun as it should have been. Total: fourteen black holes.
So a total of eight black holes, a fairly miserable score but not as bad as the score I gave Green Lantern. I can hear some of you asking if I might be being a little unfair to this film, critiquing it as an adult when it could possible just be a kids film. Well, honestly that is one of the issues here. This movie is a romantic comedy with talking animals. It can’t really decide if it is going to be a kids film or an adult film. Some of the dialog is too sophisticated and adult themed for kids, but some of it is just too dumb for grown ups. It sits right in the middle, which means it will inevitably be relegated to the mediocrity archive of all time. I’m actually curious as to where video shops (assuming any still exist) end up placing it. Honestly, don’t waste your time with this dog, unless you are one of those rare individuals who are enraptured by a Geico commercial.
I did experience something weird while watching this. For the first time since I started these reviews I found myself wondering if I am really qualified to do them. I am very rarely plagued by self doubt, but while I was praying for a film break or merciful death most of the audience was laughing their asses off. I worried that maybe I am too out of touch with the general movie going audience, but I thought about it a lot on the way home and came to the conclusion that this is an example of cultural Darwinism. If, for example, I were to open a retail shop that specialized in left handed scissors and the like, than I would not be surprised to find that most of my customers were left handed. Likewise, if Hollywood sets out to create a film designed to appeal to the true idiots of our society, than I should not be surprised if I sit in a theater full of idiots. I have found that when I go to the movies on $5 night the bar seems to be lowered considerably. Odds are this movie will make a disappointingly large amount of money, leading us inevitably to the next bad rom-com staring Kevin James with yet another super hot girl.
Movie review: Arthur
I seem to be cursed. See, the thing is I have been writing more and more of these reviews, mainly because they are fun to do and force me to get out of the office and see more movies. Also, until I get inspired I think I have milked the dating advice cow dry and don’t want to force it. Anyway, I am enjoying writing these but have noticed that I seem to write better, longer, funnier reviews when I think the movie sucks. So last night (cheap movie night) I realized that I more or less liked the last two movies and had written pretty dry reviews. I saw Source Code on Monday and kind of liked it (as long as I could suspend my understanding of quantum physics as it relates to the human brain) and was going to write it up, but it seemed destined to be less than scintillating. So yesterday, when I was trying to decide what to see, I looked for the movie most likely to suck.
Ironically, my two best choices both starred Russel Brand and also both looked like they could put a diabetic into a permanent coma. Hop is a super cute Oedipal kiddie movie about the son of the Easter Bunny and Arthur is the story of a degenerate, privileged alcoholic British fop who is fabulously wealthy. I opted for Arthur as I have a natural inclination to like and be more forgiving of cartoons. That’s where I ran into my curse as, during the course of the movie, I found myself actually enjoying it.
This is weird. Arthur has all the elements of a movie I should hate with the burning passion of 10,000 suns. I despise movies of the super rich living fabulous lives. Ostentatious displays of wealth and privilege really annoy me, especially with the economy being what it is. I come from a long line of alcoholics so the constant drunken shenanigans that Arthur is constantly getting into should only bug me. Seeing pretty boys like Russel Brand score with women bugs me. I love an English accent on a woman but on a guy it is vaguely annoying, at least if I have to listen to it for more than an hour (sorry to all my British friends). The main love interest is blond, and I definitely prefer brunettes. But as the movie progressed, as much as I was looking to hate it, I found myself having a fairly fun movie going experience.
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t great, or even especially good. It holds no candle to the original Arthur, or any other great movie out there. It does have it’s issues, which I will discuss (exploit) for my blogs benefit shortly. However, it was fun to watch and I found myself laughing out loud multiple times. Also, I did a little research into Russel Brand and found out that he is hated by Twilight fans, which brings him up several notches in my book. Twilight sucks.
Anyway, the movie. Russel Brand stars as Arthur, the over privileged billionaire heir of some ill defined multinational charity (?) or something. He drinks constantly, has sex with anything missing a Y chromosome, and generally bumbles through life with the help of his nanny Hobson and his chauffeur Bitterman (who, for some reason, has an English name while he is obviously Hispanic in both appearance and accent. He is played by Puerto Rican Luis Guzman). His domineering mother, who has all the maternal instincts of Freddy Kruegar, has decided he is going to have to marry the younger, bitchier version of herself or be cut off from his riches. Meanwhile, Arthur meets Naomi, who somehow has an illegal tour guide business (??? Apparently tourists in New York City are so desperate for tours, what with the great tour guide shortage and corresponding tour price increases, that they are willing to go to back alley tour sellers) who he falls in love with. Amusing drunken hijinx ensue. Arthur learns important life lessons while appearing to learn nothing. All the usual, predictable stuff happens.
That’s more or less it. Let’s get into the stars. First of all, the movie is pretty funny. One star. Some of the dialogue is especially funny. One star. Super hot Jennifer Garner plays the bitchy fiance, and at one point runs around in a corset and not much else. One star. Hobson, the nanny, played by Helen Mirren, is really a cool character. One star. Naomi, the love interest, manages to act in an intelligent and mature manner, perhaps in contrast to Arthur’s childlike stupidity. One star. The whole movie, for some undefinable reason, was kind of fun to watch. One star. Total, six stars.
Now the black holes. The whole movie is a whitewashed PC remake of a great movie (in the original movie, Arthur meets his love interest while she is shoplifting, not running a tour business without a license. Don’t they know that shop lifting is cool again? Just look at Lindsay Lohan). One black hole. As cool as the new, female Hobson is, the original male Hobson (played by the great John Gielgud) was far better. “I’ll alert the media, sir.” One black hole. The whole story is depressingly predictable, even for someone who had not seen the original. One black hole. While enjoyable, the entire movie really lacks any kind of real substance. It’s like watching an episode of Friends. You have fun watching it, but once it’s done you realized your life is in no way improved by the experience. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Total: two stars. Not really great, or even good, but OK. This movie has no amazing cinematography that requires being seen on a big screen, so really if I were you I would wait until you can stream it off NetFlix. That being said, once it’s up you won’t regret watching it, especially if you can do it with a girl.
Tomorrow I will complete my review of Source Code, another depressingly good movie. Why is it I can’t find a crappy movie lately? Four months ago it was a struggle to find a movie that couldn’t be used as an emetic substitute.
I need to get back to the who-would-win questions. Last one I posted was who would win, Superman versus Galactus. I want to believe Galactus would win out, as if he is capable of eating entire planets he should be able to eat Krypton and Superman as well. On the other hand, he did go down when faced with six zombie superheros in Marvel Zombies, so I guess Superman could probably beat him (Superman image courtesy of the comic book t shirts).
For today I propose a question that seems simple until you think about it for a while. Who would win, Aquaman versus the Wonder Twins?
Los Angeles, here I come
I am going to take a break from dating advice tonight (I am planning a few good ones over the next couple days related to dating on a budget, a subject I am particularly experienced in) and talk briefly about some cool upcoming shows I will be working at. They are both in the greater Los Angeles and are two consecutive weekends, so in order to reduce my driving and increase my stress and insanity level, I will be staying at my mother’s house for at least three days going completely stir crazy and absorbing about a pack a day in contact smoke, if you know what I mean.
The first event is the Long Beach Comic Book Convention on Oct. 29th-31sth in lovely Long Beach, CA. I will be staying at my sisters house in Belmont, which will be fine as long as we don’t talk about politics. The show is supposed to be pretty good, and I will be running the booth by myself, so if you are in the area stop by and watch me going insane trying to keep up with the customers and trying to not go to the restroom for 8 hours a day (Green Lantern image courtesy of the comic book t-shirt category).
Also, since the event is on Halloween stop by on the 31st and I will have a bucket of candy for you or your kids.
I then go to my mom’s house, which will be great for the first day and a half and probably drive me nuts for the next two days. Still, it will be great to see her again, and three days of free food is not to be laughed at.
Then, my friends over at Creation Entertainment are running three shows for the price of one on Nov. 5-9th down near LAX. The three shows are Farscape, Stargate, and Firefly/Buffy/Angel/Dollhouse show (basically a Joss Whedon-athon). I am a hard core fan of all three, and am really excited to be there. My good friend Liz will be there with me as she is also a huge fan and will be bringing down a number of additional shirts I just ordered earlier today. All shows and genres will be fairly represented. I will be staying in a hotel for that one and enjoying it’s amenities to the fullest extent.
Speaking of Joss Whedon, by the way, I am a couple days from getting my interview with Danny Nero, a stand in who worked on Firefly, Serenity, Angel, and any number of other amazing shows and moves, done and put up on this blog. He is giving me some great stuff on the cast, working with Joss, and working in the film industry. Stay tuned for it.
A Guide to Nerd Guys Meeting and Dating Women: Date Preperation
Ok, I”m back on the dating advice. Enough for now on the good and bad movies I have seen. I am stuck in a hotel in Portsmouth, NH and am feeling the need to make myself feel important.
You’ve made the call, and gotten her to agree to a specific time and activity for your first date. You are totally ready and all you need to do is pick her up and enjoy an evening of fun and romantic possibilities, right? Wrong.
Like we used to say in the Boy Scouts, Be Prepared (or, as my friends in the Marine Corps say, Proper Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. Take a lesson from ex-Marine Frank Castle, the Punisher (shirt image courtesy of the comic book t shirt category). 
Your preparation should begin as soon as you get off the phone with your future soul mate. First thing you need to do is make reservations at whichever restaurant you plan to eat at (by the way, if the place you are taking her too does not take reservations, set the Way Back Machine about 45 minutes and pick a different place. Also if the place you want to go has any kind of “theme costume” for it’s employees, especially clowns or anamorphic animals). Even if you know for a fact that the place will be dead empty and there is no problem with getting a table, always set a reservation. You look more sophisticated better prepared. Same goes with movie or show tickets.
All the rules we went over in terms of dressing and grooming apply double now. Get a haircut if you are due.
Get your car washed. Even if you are just meeting her somewhere, you can never tell where the evening may take you, and you don’t want her seeing a car that is in danger of losing velocity from the wind drag of all the detritus adhered to the outer surface of your car. Get the oil changed, and make sure you have a functioning spare tire (having to change a tire is not a bad thing during a date, and can make you look undeservedly rugged and masculine. However, nothing looks lamer than sitting in the car waiting for a tow truck and/or walking along the freeway rolling a flat tire to a repair station).
Two critical mistakes novice daters can make are money and gas. Do not make her wait in the car while you pump gas into it or pull cash from an ATM. You will look like a complete incompetent moron and totally piss her off, but not in a good way.
That pretty much it. I am sure some of you thought I was going to talk about bringing condoms, but honestly I don’t think most of you are at the level where you can expect to close the deal on the first date. In fact, I usually don’t bring them on a first date as to bring them seems really presumptuous.
