Nerd Dating Dealing with Rejection Pt 3: What to do
So you’ve been rejected and all of a sudden all food tastes likes mixture of paste, bile, and Satan. Life seems to be a cardboard, washed out low rez black and white version of itself. The good news is you’ve avoided all the potentially self destructive and/or illegal activities that guys often resort to in a pathetic attempt at making themselves feel better and get the ex to pay attention to them. The bad news is now you need something to fill up the long, dark hours that used to be spent with your significant other or at least thinking about her.
Ah, now we are definitely in Dave’s corner, because this on level I have mastered. Here we go with some excellent suggestions (in my experience).
1. Video games. Nothing helps alleviate the pain in your heart like bringing some electronic pain to some noob from across the country, or killing that giant space caterpillar. You can feed your inner alpha male without hurting anyone in the real world. My recommendation is to load up on caffeine and junk food and play until the sun comes out again. I recently re-activated my WOW account and it is doing wonders for making me feel like I actually have a life. (Undercity Gravediggers image courtesy of the WOW t shirts category)
2. Clean your apartment. This is actually pretty cathartic. I liken it to shedding my crusty crystalis and emerging a beautiful butterfly as opposed to the disgusting caterpillar that just got rejected. Also, if you are into self delusion (and really, which of us isn’t?) you can fantasize about how, once your apartment is clean and pretty, you can bring a new girl over for romantic potential (and while we are at it, let me tell you about the porcine flight school I am developing). Overall, I find projects like this are pretty good for taking my mind off how much I hate being rejected and on how much I hate scrubbing toilets. Also, it is a good chance to collect items for the next big thing to do (see the next item).
3. Collect anything she gave you or left behind, take it to the beach, and burn it all in a bonfire. By fire be purged! Yes, everyone loves a good fire, and here is a chance to show the universe how you feel about her dumping you with a volatile chemical reaction. Be sure to bring a few friends along. If you do this by yourself you will just be a creepy weirdo. Also, you can probably use this episode to elicit more sympathy from your friends. That sweater she gave you for Christmas? That toothbrush she brought over? That mix CD she made for you? That pair of underwear she left at your place (by the way, what is the deal with this? Every girl I have ever dated for more than a couple months manages to leave some kind of personal garment at my place. I can count on zero hands the number of pairs of boxers I have accidentally left somewhere. Yet another female mystery)? That self improvement book on how to be a better boyfriend? All fuel for the fire of your pain. Note, however, if she managed to leave something like her laptop, college diploma, or the urn containing one of her parents you should probably return those.
4. Channel your emotions into something useful. The two emotions you will most likely be feeling are depression and anger. The first will make you hurt yourself and more or less act like a girl, while the second will make you hurt other people and act like a man. You will probably feel both at different times. If you are depressed try writing some depressing fiction (or, if you are so inclined and own a lot of black clothes, some poetry). Paint a depressing picture. Replace you room carpet with black shag. Trust me. Six months from now when you are completely over it you can pull out whatever project you did and it will provide endless amusement (for your friends). If you are angry don’t hit anybody. Instead do some manly stuff. Chop some wood. Find a gym and punch the heavy bag. Join a local rugby league (props to my friend Johnny). Do all the stuff that no girlfriend in her right mind would ever let you try. Ironically, if you handle these two emotional states properly you will end up hurting others with your depression (nothing is more painful than having to listen to depression based poetry) and yourself with your anger, which is some weird way is better than the other way around.
Incidentally, the other emotion you will probably feel is soul crushing loneliness. However, since this is a fairly normal state for most people including me, just do what you normally would. The only real way to cure it is to find someone else, so once you are done with all the depression and anger go back to the beginning of my dating advice posts and start all over. In dating you have to be like Wile E. Coyote. No matter how far he fell, or how large a boulder crushed him, next scene he was in the Acme catalog working on his next attempt. He only needed to succeed once, and so do you and I.
I will list some more activities tomorrow.
I’m still collecting answers to the Deadpool versus Solomon Grundy question. They aren’t exactly flying in, so I guess either I’m deluding myself on how many people are actually reading this or how many people really care about these questions, but I have fun doing them and really, it’s not all about you my friends. So I will continue to indulge
Nerd Dating: Dealing with Rejection Pt2 Things to not do
OK, a week of friends, family, and holiday cheer has gotten me over being rejected last week and, like a Superball dropped off the Empire State Building I have bounced back. However, while my motivations for starting this subject may have been suspect, I still believe this is both relevant and useful (not to mention funny) and will continue with it. Tonight we start a list of things to specifically NOT do after getting rejected.
1. Do not get a tattoo or body piercing in some painful spot. I can’t stress this one enough. Not that I have an issue with tattoos or piercings, having had several over the years myself. However, the decision to get one and, more importantly, what to get and where on your body, should be made with a clear head, not while wallowing in the depths of despair. You will probably end up with a tattoo of Edgar Allen Poe on your ass, and this is the kind of mistake you can make that will haunt you for quite a while.
2. Do not pick fights with random guys in bars. True, you have just had your manhood more or less kicked in the nads, but drunken violence against strangers has about a 15% chance of helping you recover your machismo and an 85% chance of you getting your ass kicked. It’s surprising how often guys who look kind of whimpy through an alcoholic fog turn out to be kind of tough, or have a bunch of friends hanging around looking for the chance to beat the hell out of something. Also, there is a distinct chance you are just looking for a way to hurt yourself and drunkenly decided the toughest looking guy is the way to do that. However, you have no control of how much pain he will bring to the table.
3. In general, do not do anything that you can say “This will show her.” Trust me, you have already blown it. There isn’t enough hang gliding, skateboarding, or other dangerous, macho stuff you can do to convince her she needs to see you naked again. Don’t quit your job by yelling at your boss (or buying a gun and shooting up you work place). Don’t join some cult. Don’t make any huge changes to your lifestyle until your head is clear.
4. Don’t inundate her with attempts to contact. There is a very fine line between infatuation and stalking, and once she has rejected you that line becomes so thin you couldn’t see it with an electron microscope. Trust me, even a single text or email will start her looking at getting a restraining order. The best you can hope for is to run into her randomly at some point and have a really awkward conversation. However, trying to arrange this “random” meeting is pretty much the definition of stalking. Give it up.
5. Don’t find some other girl you are attracted to and bitch to her about the girl who just dumped you in hopes of getting some sympathy (cough cough pity cough cough) love. Friends are a great resource and should be willing to suffer through your tribes and tribulations, but if there is a girl you have always had a thing for don’t bitch to here in secret hopes that she will sleep with you. She never will. You will look and sound like one of her girl friends in both demeanor and gender. Also, if some time down the road the new girl does want to hook up with you she will be forever haunted by the ghost of girlfriend past.
For the most part, avoid anything that is dramatic and/or potentially self destructive. Next post I will talk about thinks you SHOULD do after being rejected.
As for the question of Pee Wee Herman versus Sgt. Shultz, I think as comedic as Shultz is he does have military training and access to automatic weapons. I think it would go to him. Not my best question, in my opinion, but I was in a hurry.
Today’s question, I think, is better thought out. Uber annoying limited meta-morphs the Wonder Twins from the JLA verses super creepy heavy Witchiepoo from drug inspired H.R. Pufnstuf. (JLA image courtesy of the Superman t shirts).
By the way, in case you were wondering, Witchiepoo’s full name Wilhelmina W. Witchiepoo. WWW??? To bad, Al Gore. Looks like we found the real inventor of the internet. Her very cool vehicle was aptly named the Vroom Broom. She also had a henchman named Stupid Bat. I have to give her props for that. It is a evil super villain cliche that the henchmen all be of less than average intelligence, but to employ one who has the word Stupid in his name speaks of a commitment to the stereotype that is beyond the pale.
Nerd Dating: Dealing with Rejection pt 1
“Love is like a snowmobile flying across the frozen tundra that suddenly flips over, trapping you underneath in the sub-zero temperature. At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening
I am going to suspend the line I was on earlier on making out due to the fact that I recently had an event that has caused me to question my ability to advise anyone on dating. Instead, I am going to discuss something that I am if anything overqualified to discuss: getting rejected and dealing with it.
(By the way, don’t worry too much about me. Odds are by this time next week I will be back in my usual cocky form. I tend to snap back pretty good. Thank god for self delusion)
Anyway, being rejected sucks, and any of my female readers may actually gain something in terms of learning how to make this less painful (or, for that matter, more painful if that is your personal bent, as I currently believe most women are inclined).
In the interest of not being totally bitter and dark I will start off with discussing the timing of being rejected. There are bad times and slightly less bad times to be rejected. I would say a week before Christmas is among the worst times to be rejected. Same with your birthday, 4th of July, or any other weekend that promises to be particularly fun. Tends to be a bit of a downer.
On the other hand, getting dumped right before Thanksgiving is not bad, as you can freely drown your sorrows in the food coma you were going to fall into anyway. Also, being surrounded by friends and family who wish you well is a nice salve for the burn (if, however, you don’t have any friends or family you might as well move to your Unabomber-style shack now).
The worst time, however, to be rejected is right before Valentines Day. No woman will willingly go into V-Day single, so if she dumps you right before it inevitably means she has someone else on deck, as it were. Also, I have found that the whole greeting card industry “You are a loser if you don’t have someone” message hits home like an acid covered harpoon in your gut when you have been recently dumped.
On the other hand, if you are looking for a slightly less painful time to dump a nerd, the best would be about a week before a big video game release. If you are going to dump a nerd and want to let him down easy, do it just before Cataclysm comes out so he can drown his sorrow by ganking lowbies in Stranglethorn Vale (WOW image courtesy of the WOW t shirts category).
It has been my experience, however, that the vast majority of women have little to no interest in making this easier for the guy. If I were a cynical person I would have to say that most of them are solely motivated to end it as quickly and conveniently as possible for themselves with no regard for the damage done as they pull the rip cord. Good thing I’m not cynical.
Incidentally, I am really not normally as bitter as I sound right now. However, I think the bitterness makes this post funnier. I love gallows humor.
Anyway, just a few words on timing a rejection. Tomorrow a list of things to NOT do when you are dumped.
The question posed in the last post, Maxwell Smart versus Austin Powers, is actually quite the conundrum. Austin Powers regularly killed more guys than Maxwell Smart and had a great nemesis in Dr. Evil. On the other hand, Smart worked for an organization with a much cooler name (CONTROL), fought a cooler sounding enemy (KAOS), and had the painfully hot 99 helping him. I think I am going to bet on Maxwell Smart, if only because Austin Powers had no trouble getting women and at the moment guys like that annoy the bejeesus out of me. I guess I’d like to see him eat a bullet right now. Not that I’m bitter.
For today, I am going to go mix genres. Who would win, Buffy the Vampire Slayer versus Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?
