Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 59 And the Children Shall Lead
There are a few episodes that really just bug the hell out of me. This is one of them. First off as was later proven by The Next Generation and Wesley Crusher kids have no part in Star Trek. I think one of the reasons I liked Voyager and DS9 is they really kept kids to a minimum. Anyone younger than Charlie X should be verboten.
It’s not that I hate kids, mind you. I just think there is something really off about kids in a sci fi world. Sci fi is a chance to escape from reality and kids are by their very nature a harsh bite of reality. Also they tend to suck as actors, which in this series is saying a lot. If you doubt what I’m saying about kids in sci fi why don’t you go back and rewatch the Phantom Menace and ask yourself if young Anakin Skywalker was anything other than a 20 ton anchor in that movie.
Also whenever I see kids on TV or movie in my mind I always see some creepy Hollywood parent pushing him or her along and making the directors life hell.
The next issue with this episode is I really don’t like it when the crew of the Enterprise looses about half their brain cells. I see in the Enterprise the smartest, most capable humans (and half Vulcans) the Federation can muster, and when they see a red flag and blatantly ignore it I want to punch my screen. Kids singing and playing around the rotting corpses of their parents? You don’t think they might warrant a little supervision just on the off chance that they are being influenced by some alien creature and had something to do with the murders, do you? Maybe Kirk and McCoy were a little blind due to their humanity but I would imagine Spock might raise an eyebrow. It’s not like humans being controlled by aliens or aliens imitating humans wasn’t the plot of 20% of the previous Star Trek adventures.
And finally there is the fact that the Gorgon is a FREAKING CLOWN! Someone might wonder where my intense dislike and fear of clowns came from and you might have an answer right here. DIE CLOWN DIE!
Evil clown (kind of redundant putting those two words together IMO) image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 60 Is There in Truth No Beauty?
This is another episode that I found kind of confusing as a kid. I guess I didn’t really get Marvick’s motivation to kill the Medusan ambassador or his obsession with Miranda. I mean, she was super hot of course (Diana Charlton Muldaur) but I was so buried under hot Star Trek women that she seemed kind of run of the mill at the time. I think the episode is pretty amazing now, but I always have a hard time enjoying episodes wherein they make Spock act like a happy, emotional human. It feels like a caricature to me and I can’t deal. Do not denigrate the patron saint of the Church of Spock.
I will say that Diana Muldaur is singular in that she played two different characters on Star Trek TOS and another one on TNG. All her characters were doctors of one type or another. As far as I know the only other actor to pull that off was Mark Lenard, who played Sarek Spock’s father in Journey to Babel and the Romulan commander in Balance of Terror. He later resurfaced again as Sarek in TNG, the Search for Spock, the Voyage Home and Star Trek: The Motion Picture as the Klingon Captain (you really have to have your Trek chops to catch that one. Damn I’m Star Trek sexy! Trexy?).
Anyway, the one thing that was funny to me was the idea of someone so ugly it would drive you insane. What if you were really, really, really drunk? Imagine waking up the next morning and finding that in bed with you asking where you keep your coffee. Although to be fair for the first time you would have a legitimate excuse to ask her to put a bag over her head (image courtesy of the funny t shirt category).
For the record the title comes from a poem called Jordan by George Herbert.
Dave
The Nut Job Review
Sometimes you feel like a nut, but after this movie you won’t.
It’s a weird phenomenon that occurs for me whenever I go to see a kids film I know ahead of time is supposed to suck. I walk in with my talons out and my canines sharpened in anticipation of mauling the latest crime against developing children’s brains but then as the other kiddie movie trailers start rolling by I feel myself ease up on it. “It’s a kids movie for Christs sake” I can hear myself think. “It has cartoons and celebrity voices. How bad could it possibly be?”
Image courtesy of the Nut Job Official web site.
Well, two hours pass and by the end of it I usually have my answer. In most cases it’s the writing and super pandering nature but oddly enough in this film it’s the characters. You see, most movies (grown up films included) have what is commonly known as a protagonist. This mythological creature is generally made to be somehow likeable and sympathetic. The goal is to have the audience identify and connect with this individual in an attempt to make us care about what happens to him or her and thus enjoy the movie.
Such doddering outdated movie concepts are too old school for director Peter Lepeniotis, the David Lynch of children movies. Instead of creating a character we can all like he seems to be set on creating the most unlikable cartoon character since Scrappy Doo. Surly Squirrel has a reprehensible selfish personality, speaks the dialog of a sociopathic mafia hit man, has the voice characterization of a sexual predator (sorry Will Arnett. I actually am a fan of yours but you play creepy jerks the best and thanks to this film I now know it’s mostly your voice), and looks literally like a diseased rodent. There is nothing to like about him and you spend most of the film hoping he gets run over. For that matter why name him Surly unless you wanted us to hate him?
This failure in the art and casting department carries over to the rest of the cast as well. Surly’s best friend Buddy (oh, I see what they did there) is a mute rat who looks like the cartoon equivalent of a meth addict. The girl (not really love interest. No such thing as romance here) squirrel is a shrill version of Surly with a conscious, the bad guy oozes evil on the screen with every syllable, most of the rest of the crew are attempting to see who remembers the Three Stooges, and the human villains are ridiculous caricatures. The only character even remotely likeable was the dog Precious.
Which brings us to another point: the dialog. One of the reasons Precious was likeable was because she was the only animal in this movie about cute animals that was remotely cute and said animal-like things such as “I’m going to lick your face”. The rest of them spoke like cast members of the Sophranos. This disparity between visual and audio I found really confusing and it hurt my brain. If you are going to do cute go with cute dialog and voice characterizations. Don’t discuss your food inventory level like the a scene out of Boiler Room. Are they smart as humans or just dopey animals? The needle kept flipping back and forth, usually just in time to provide a key point to advance the script.
Ironically the script wasn’t unredeemable. If they had stayed away from making this a character study of the character equivalent of a blood fluke and focused on a cool “Animals do a daring burglary and steal a ton of nuts” story it would have been a lot better. However the director has only both written and directed two films; this one and a short called Surly Squirrel. It appears this character is his baby and no one puts baby in a corner. Not on his watch.
Sigh. The story. Surly Squirrel (Will Arnett-Arrested Development, Despicable Me, Hot Rod (as proof of my fandom I did not even have to look at his filmography to pull those three great items)) and his side-rat Buddy live in a park. The park is effectively some kind of socialist food collective (almost a farm for animals of some kind) wherein everyone pools all the food they collect during the summer and rations it out during the winter. This is all done at the behest of Racoon (Liam Neeson-the Grey, Taken, Schindler’s List), who apparently doesn’t rate his own name. Surly and Buddy refuse to participate, taking an every-rodent-for-themselves approach. The rest of the park is dangerously low on food (Missing nuts image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
They spot a nut cart on the sidewalk. Andy (Katherine Heigl-A Big Wedding, New Years Eve, One for the Money. Wow. A trifecta of crappy movies. Why can’t you find something worthy of your talent Katherine? Although based on the rumors I hear regarding your interaction with other movie professionals I could probably hazard a guess) is the local smart squirrel and is sent out with macho yet dumb squirrel Grayson (In case you are having trouble telling all the squirrels apart Grayson is the gray one. Oh wait, I see what they did there. Brandon Fraser-Escape from Planet Earth, Bedazzled, Breakout) to loot the cart but Surly and Buddy beat them to it.
They get into a tiff and manage to ignite the propane tank of the cart, sending it careening into the tree where the park collective has stored all the food. The winter supply is completely destroyed. Surly gets blamed and is banished from the park into the city.
Meanwhile it turns out the guy pushing the nut cart was part of a gang casing a bank for a robbery. They have taken over a nut shop and are using it as cover. Surly spots the nut shop and sees it as his opportunity to eat himself into coma. At the same time Grayson and Andy are sent out in the city in a desperate attempt to find more food. They run into Surly and opt to go in on the robbery together.
At that point the story kind of teeters off. They make multiple attempts (this is where the Three Stooges get channeled in) and make friends with a cute pug named Precious (Maya Rudolph-Turbo, Idiocracy, Bridesmaids) after torturing her with a dog whistle. Turns out one of their park friends is actually evil (Racoon, OK. It was Racoon. Sorry for the spoiler but if you didn’t see that coming you must still be putting your hand in the campfire just to make sure it still burns) and has a bizarre convoluted plan for no apparent reason. There is an epic two level chase scene and a happy ending pulled out of the far reaches of the writers colon.
I don’t do stars and black holes for kids movies. It seems petty and pointless. I would normally judge a kids film by how much the kids in the audience seemed to be reacting but the theater was mostly empty (read into that what you will). I suppose if I were five years old I would enjoy about 15 minutes of it on the nursery television before going off to hit my little sister on the head. Any older than that and I think I would probably be pretty bored. That boredom will increase exponentially as you get older so if mom and dad have to sit through this I hope you brought your beer helmet full of Steel Reserve.
Well, that’s it I guess. This film exceeded the industries very modest expectations so I guess we can look forward to seeing Nut Job 2: Bigger and Nuttier soon. Odds are the industry failed to factor in how desperate parents are for entertainment for their hyper overexposed rugrats. Either that or the sexual double entendre in the title was badly misinterpreted by assorted deviants and the opening weekend was filled with guys in raincoats who left halfway through the movie but were too embarrassed to demand their money back. Should you see it? Meh. This film was basically designed to be bought as a DvD and thrown on the “My God find something to keep that brat distracted for an hour” shelf. As an adult fan of well done kids movies absolutely not. Date movie? No. If she is a kid at heart (or you are in that grace period before they find the right photo of you to put up on the Megan’s Law website) see the Lego Movie (writing that review next). Bathroom break? Any time you see Surly Squirrel about to deliver a monolog about how he is a lone squirrel or something is a great time to boogie. The only scenes really worth watching all have Precious in them.
Thanks for reading. Like I said I just saw the Lego Movie and am eager to write it up but had this thing 2/3rds done and wanted to get it out. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu and post any comments you might have on my review or this film right here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 67 the Empath
This is another episode that was banned by the BBC for sadistic elements and I don’t necessarily disagree with them. It seems an alien race capable of transportation technology would be capable of creating some kind of VR or cloning creatures for their torture tests. How about using some of the other millions of inhabitants of the Gem’s world rather than shanghai some hapless scientists and our favorite command crew? Sounds way more fair. Also Gem’s planet is one of several inhabited worlds in the system but no one seems to be shedding any tears about the other planets. Where they all inhabited by flatulence monsters?
All that being said I do like this episode a lot if only because it shows the incredible loyalty that Kirk, Spock, and McCoy had for each other. Like I said in a very personal Star Trek post earlier most everything I learned as a kid about honor and loyalty I got from TOS and this episode taught me a lot about how to be a friend.
Also Gem (the lovely Kathryn Hays) was drop dead gorgeous and couldn’t speak at all. The perfect woman, right? And I wonder why I have trouble in my dating life. (problem solved image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category) She was a regular on As the World Turns and Guiding Light, but honestly my mom only watched Days of Our Lives so I never got to see her perform. Since she didn’t speak in this episode for all I know she had a high helium squeaky dolphin voice. That might have been a little weird.
Dave
The Legend of Hercules Review
You too will want to herc while watching this legendary bomb.
The Legend of Hercules is a singular event in that I can’t recall a film that sucks so evenly in all aspects. Normally a movie sucks in one or more categories such as story, filming, special effects, acting, sound track, action, dialog, casting, or editing but inevitably you find one aspect that it at least didn’t suck as much as the rest of it. Even the worst Nicolas Cage movie still has Nicolas Cage in it to entertain you in the same way slowing down on a freeway to look at a car wreck is entertaining. It’s rare that I can’t find some slightly more positive thing to mention in a shyte movie (“At least the sound effects were adequate. Kudos to the Foley artists!”) to ameliorate the buzzard-like glee with which I pounce on these roadkill scripts.
Not so with this film. The whole movie is in perfect crap equilibrium like one of those balancing rocks in a Road Runner cartoon. If that were the writers and directors intention I would say this film is Oscar worthy. Unfortunately I’m sure it will turn out to be mere happenstance. The weird part of all this is due to the strange balance this film has struck I really wouldn’t ask them to change a thing. It’s like a perfect Zen moment (of the craptastic movie world).
I sometimes think of myself as a diagnostic doctor (or in this case a coroner) of movies and part of my job is to determine what the exact illness (or cause of death) is. When a film has loaded up the suck scattergun and fired it at the movie screen it’s hard to pinpoint the main cause so it usually falls upon either the director or the writer. The director Renny Harlin actually has a couple decent movies under his belt (The Long Kiss Goodnight, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger) so I can’t land the blame completely in his lap (on the other hand he also did the Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Somehow back in 1990 when I watched that movie I suspected it would come back and bite me on the ass again one day) although he did agree to do this film after reading the script. Looks like most of the blame is going to have to land on the writers. Not a lot of credits here, and it looks like on of them wrote Conan the Barbarian. ‘Nuff said.
Like a drug addict tearing apart your medicine cabinet and popping every Vitamin C and baby aspirin in a frenzied attempt to find a fix Hollywood is desperately searching for the next big franchise. You see creating an original movie requires effort, vision, and above all risk (three things that seem to be verboten in most of the film industry these days) but simply writing a sequel to an established franchise can be done by having your cat walk across your keyboard a few hundred times. 
While watching the opening credits words to the effect of “The Legend Begins” rolled across the screen and I sat back in comfort knowing exactly what I was about to see: a lawn dart fired from another time zone hoping to land in the magical circle of franchise success previously only occupied by Harry Potter, sparkly vampires, and Hobbits (Lord of the Fail image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category).
These franchise abortions give me a certain amount of glee. When contenders like the Host, Mortal Instruments, Percy Jackson, the Last Airbender, the Golden Compass, and John Carter all step in the ring only to trip on their own genitalia and fail miserably I secretly rejoice that you, my beloved movie going readers, have had the sense and sensibility to demand quality film. There is an ugly trend in Hollywood in that they seem to think we are all brain damaged tow truck drivers and all we need to be entertained is hot faces and some bad CGI.
However, the happiness I feel from seeing a franchise launch fail pales to insignificance compared to the joy I experience seeing a big budget film hang itself on its own petard. I knew this movie was going to suck just by seeing any one of a) the trailers, b) the poster, or c) the movie title. This film had a $70,000,000 budget and yet the producers couldn’t be bothered to actually sit down and watch it? Can you not afford to hire a good writer for a day to just review the script and tell you how it’s sewage drinking-ly awful? Did you spend all your money on bad CGI and tanning creme? This is proof positive that you don’t have to be smart to be rich. I can name a few dozen people who could come out some a better film on 1/5th the budget (send the remaining $56 million to me. Thanks).
The story. Have you ever read the actual story of Hercules as created millennia ago by the some of the originators of all Western literature and culture? If so hit yourself on the head with a ball peen hammer until you forget all of that as it has no relevance as far as this script is concerned. King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins-the Bourne Ultimatum, Zero Dark Thirty (really? How did you end up here exactly?), the Expendables 2 (oh)) is a Greek conqueror and all around dick. His wife Alcmene (Roxanne McKee-Hollyoaks, Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines, The Expelled) is pissed off at him and prays to Zues to kill him or something (I guess this was the first historical recording of a domestic dispute). Zues opts to “help” her by getting her pregnant (if there are any other hot women out there who are praying for something and are willing to believe that letting some stranger into your pants will solve it email me immediately).
She gets pregnant and gives birth to Hercules. Flash forward 20 years and Hercules (Kellan Lutz-the Immortals, Twilight. Wow. I hate this guy. I was going to feel bad about dumping on his acting but now I feel no remorse whatsoever) has taken time out from his 12 hours a day in the gym and job as the Fake Bake spokesmodel to fall madly in love with Hebe (Gaia Weiss-Mary Queen of Scots, Bianca come il latte, rossa come il sangue (?), La nuit), a princess from nearby Crete. They are out for a PG-13 safe swim and picnic when Hercules’s brother Iphicles (LIam Garrigan-the Night Watch, Blue Murder, Inn Mates) shows up to rooster-block the deal. Hebe heads back in town while Hercules kills the worst CGI lion in the history of film making (I’m not kidding. A stuffed lion with googly eyes and a roaring sound effect when you squeeze it would have looked more real. $70 million? Really?). Iphicles claims credit even though he didn’t do much more than soil his toga.
Amphitryon announces that Iphicles will marry Hebe. Hercules tries to rescue her but they get caught after running into a river. Amp sends Hercules off to a certain death with guard captain Sotiris (Liam McIntyre-Spartacus, Blod on the Game Dice, Ektopos). They are ambushed by mercenaries and are sold into slavery for a gladiatorial game. Somehow they convince their slave owner to enter them into the biggest fight ever and free them if they win. Hercules managed to kill 5 men and trap 1 woman (PG-13 remember). They go free and start a revolution.
Ugh this recount is giving me thrush. Fight, stab, make dumb speech, get lightning super power up from Zues, fight, stab, live happily ever after. Sorry if I just spoiled the ending for you but there is no way you didn’t see that coming unless you grew up on Bizarro Earth.
The stars.
…Nope. I got nothing.
The black holes.
Where to begin? The story was awful and except for the fact that they used the name Hercules had absolutely nothing to do with the source material. I guess the writers read the Cliff Note version of the Cliff Note version of the Cliff Note version of Hercules. “Hercules was the son of the Greek god Zues who fought with a sword and wore a loin cloth. The end.” Two black holes. The editing was done so that the film jumped from scene to scene with the painful abruptness of a slide show composed of the vacation photos of eight different families, a colonoscopy, and stills from three John Waters films randomly mixed together. Don’t misinterpret this as a request for more of this carcinogenic film but it honestly felt like they cut 3-15 seconds off the beginning and end of each edit cut scene. Given that the film only ran 99 minutes (oh god was it only that long? Sure felt longer) that might actually be the case. Horrible. One black hole. The CGI was in general awful. I’m not kidding when I say the opening battle montage had me thinking I was watching the opening cinematographic for a video game and the lion scene was laughable. I honestly think you couldn’t be this bad without purposely trying to suck. One black hole. The weight of the PG-13 rating smothered all the action and love scenes like one of those lead radiation blankets they give you for x-rays soaked in tar, draped onto your face, and then set on fire. I might have given the film a star for having a couple hot girls but honestly you never see anything of interest and they spent most of the film looking like kidnap victims. One black hole. Before the movie started a good female friend of mine who is into muscle guys told me that lead dude Kellen Lutz just isn’t hot and I spent a lot of time in the theater trying to figure out why. I honestly think it’s because his head is too small for his muscly body although the 12 gallons of spray on tan he must go through a day doesn’t help. One black hole. The action was dopey and used that Matrix slow motion at points to pad it out. One black hole. Acting so artificial it made the fake CGI lion look alive. One black hole. As much as the acting problems could be blamed on the actors the dialog was pretty much fighting that fire with napalm. One black hole. The filming was constantly badly lit and you could hardly tell what the hell was going on (in a way that was almost worthy of a star. Kind of a relief really). One black hole. The 99 minute run time felt like 99 hours. I was in serious danger of falling asleep. One black hole. Overall a movie so bad I felt sorry for the dinosaurs who had to die in order to make up the film it was shot on. Two black holes. Total: thirteen black holes.
Well, the good news is I have an early contender for my 2014 worst movie of the year and by comparison the rest of the movies this year would literally have to throw excrement in my face in order to be considered worse. The bad news is this is a bad omen for the rest of the year. Should you see this film? Let me put it this way: given a choice between certain, horrific death and watching this movie you should at least think about it. Like a manufacturer being fined for spilling toxic chemicals into the local drinking water this studio (Millennium Films) needs to suffer for injecting this toxin into our culture and the only way to do that is to hit their pocket book. Of course, I’m sure they will recoup all their money once this film hits China. Foreign markets are the enablers of bad movie making. However, if watching muscled men wrestle, fight, and ride horses in slow motion turns you on then go for it. I would like to note that on IMDB under the category of Plot Keywords the first one listed is “bare chested male bondage” (let it never be said I don’t do my research). Date movie? If you are hoping to cajole your date into attempting to murder you as some kind of frame up this just might do the trick. Other than that hell no. Bathroom break? If by bathroom break you really mean “Go yell at the theater manager until he refunds your ticket” I’d say about ten minutes in. Moot point since if you listen to me you won’t see this film and if you don’t you deserve to wallow in your own filth.
Thanks for reading. As painful as these crap movies are to watch I enjoy bitching about them so I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Comments on this film or my review can be posted here, and off topic questions or suggestion can be emailed to [email protected]. I’m still trying to see Grudge Match and then will finalize my best and worst of 2013. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Star Trek Retrospective: Episode 73 the Lights of Zetar
This was one of the episodes that literally freaked me out at age six. When they get on board Memory Alpha and that crewman has the weird face and is speaking like she is gargling gravel I was truly frightened. This one and Devil in the Dark did a number on me.
In reflecting on this episode it suddenly occurred to me that Scotty is literally the kiss of death for women in this series. He is the only red shirt to consistently survive yet every time he gets close to a girl something horrible happens to her. In this case Mira managed to survive but still it was pretty awful. When you think about it he was acquitted of murdering all those women in Wolf in the Fold but maybe he just found a dopey alien patsy to dump his crimes off on. Sure the alien more or less confessed but perhaps it was Scotty who had the ability to compel aliens to do his bidding and secretly he really is a serial killer (Loved and Lost image from the funny t shirt category).
That’s one episode that was never really addressed in any Star Trek; humans being the uber powerful aliens on a planet with some evil power that terrifies the locals. What if human halitosis caused alien flesh to dissolve, or dead skin cells flaked off implanted in alien soil speed grew up into super soldiers ready to do whatever random red shirts bidding. Sure, the idea of technology and social progress changing primitive societies was explored in A Piece of the Action, A Private Little War, Bread and Circuses, and Patterns of Force, but what if humans just had some intrinsic power that would be terrifying to behold? Considerable argument could be made that Kirk exuded some pheromone that makes alien women take their clothes off.
Anyway, this episode was weird but not really of massive social or personal impact (aside from giving me a lifelong distrust of disco lighting). It was the originator of Memory Alpha, the top Star Trek Wiki and one that I personally refer to often. Of course, given our current social situation when we do a giant star base for all knowledge it will probably be called Google Alpha.
Dave
Saving Mr. Banks Review
Ever wonder just how amazing Walt Disney was? Well now Disney is here to show you!
It is fair to say I see more than the average amount of movies and that after a while they all tend to blur together like cats in a tree shredder 
(I joke, I joke. I really do love cats. The finest moment image, by the way, is one my my favorite new shirts recently added to the funny t-shirt collection. Awesome). However, it is a bad sign when I saw this movie the night before last yet when I sat down to write this literally had to look up what movies were playing in order to jog my memory as to what movie I had seen.
Not to say this movie is bad. Like most Disney movies it is extremely competent and accomplishes its goals of tugging your heartstrings and showing how cool and likable the founder of their company was. However, every move on the screen seems clearly calculated to accomplish these goals and in the end the cliche and almost robotic nature of the film greatly lessened the impact. I definitely felt emotions at times but at the end of the film I could almost hear the flushing sound as my brain evaluated the experience and determined that the memory was not worthy of taking up too many brain cells. Fun, interesting, and well executed but at the end of the day eminently forgettable.
I think the forgettable nature of the film is exacerbated by the fact that there is no climax to this film. It glosses over Act One with a simple expository scene, lands comfortably in Act Two like a sea lion flopping on the beach, and proceeds to wallow there for the entirety of the film. The movie ended at what seemed the appropriate moment but the story advanced at a plodding pace, grinding forward inexorably towards the end we already knew was coming and counting on the talents of the cast to keep the audience engaged.
That being said the talent of the cast was considerable. I am a big fan of Tom Hanks and he inhabited his role like he planned to retire there. Emma Thompson was brilliant as P.L. Travers and the rest of the cast nailed down their roles admirably. Directory John Lee Hancock did the Blind Side, but on the other hand he did Snow White and the Huntsman so I can’t tell if the good parts of this film stem from his direction or if the strength of the cast carried the entire film.
The story is of writer P.L. Travers (Emma Thompson-Brave, Love Actually, Nanny McPhee) being cajoled into selling her rights to Mary Poppins to Walt Disney (Tom Hanks-Saving Private Ryan, Forest Gump, Big). Honestly that’s the story in a nutshell. Mrs. Travers doesn’t want to see her beloved Mary Poppins get turned into a farcical cartoon and is withholding the rights until she is comfortable with the script. Meanwhile a second story is being told through flashbacks about her as a young girl in Australia with her father (Colin Farrell-Total Recall, In Bruges, Seven Psychopaths). He has a drinking problem but dotes on his daughter. Mrs. Travers keeps flashing back to her childhood and it becomes apparently pretty quickly that the book was written about her experience as a child with a nanny.
Walt hooks her up with a talented writer (Bradley Whitford-Cabin in the Woods, Scent of a Woman, Billy Madison) and two songwriters (B.J. Novak-the Office, Inglorious Basterds, Knocked Up (he was in that? I don’t remember him there) and Jason Schartzeman-Rushmore, I Heart Huckabees, Fantastic Mr. Fox). She universally dumps on everything they hope to create and is in all ways a real pain to work with. Walt does whatever he can to make her sweet but to little avail.
Meanwhile she develops a friendship with her driver Ralph (Paul Giamatti-Saving Private Ryan, Private Parts, Rock of Ages) while the story of her childhood advances to the inevitable conclusion, the death of her father (as an aside, talk about plucking low hanging fruit. Getting an emotional response from people by showing the death of a little girl’s father is akin to watching me get rejected by introducing me to a girl I like. This part felt pretty heavy handed). Mrs. Travers finally has enough and flies home to England, only to have Walt Disney show up at her door . They finally make a connection and she signs over the rights. The film then ends in the most exciting way possible, watching Mrs. Travers and the entire cast in a theater watching their movie. The end.
I’m not saying this film should have ended with a car chase and an explosion (although that might have been nice. How about Mrs. Travers turns out to be a Terminator sent back in time by Skynet to kill Walt Disney? Talk about blowing a few brain fuses in the audience) but I was definitely feeling the lack of a true denouement. The whole thing kind of rolled along the tracks and into the station right on time. Oh well.
The stars.
Like I said, you can’t really do much better for a cast. Everyone was dead on, especially Tom Hanks. Three stars. The story was interesting, and if reasonably accurate I know feel like I have a better understanding of cinema icon Walt Disney. Now instead of seeing Disney as a soulless media conglomerate bent on world domination I see them as a soulless media conglomerate bent on world domination founded by a really nice guy. One star. The early 60’s doesn’t suffer from the burning personal hatred that the Summer of Love receives from me and I thought as a period piece it was extremely well executed. Plus I love all the cars. One star. The filming in particular helped capture the times, so I will award another for the camera work. One star. In general worthy of my time and money. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black hole.
Like I said before, the lack of an ending leaves you nodding your head and saying “Yep, that was a movie and it’s over now”. One black hole. Pacing was sluggish and were I less engaged in the story downright boring. Again, car chases are not required but something mid movie to liven things up would have gone well appreciated given that this film runs a whopping 125 minutes. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
So a grand total of six stars. Like I said, not bad. You won’t feel like you wasted your time. If you are a fan of Disneyland or any of the Disney movies you will probably get a lot out of it. Oh, yeah, I guess fans of Mary Poppins should go. Never saw the movie myself. Too much singing and dancing makes me want to punch people. However this film was pretty much made to watch on your home screen so feel free to skip the theater experience and just use the media streaming option of your choice. Date movie? Maybe, but honestly this film really feels more like the film you take your mom to see. By the way Mom if you are reading this you should go see this movie. Bathroom break? Pretty much any of the script writing scenes that do not directly involve Walt Disney are mostly development filler. Towards the end there is another scene where Mrs. Travers is chilling back in England waiting for the premier that could be missed too.
Thanks for reading. I was going to go see Grudge Match tonight and spew all over it (looks horrible) but then my best friend told me that American Hustle features Amy Adams nude so I’ve had to reevaluate my priorities. I only hope that is enough to overcome my intense dislike of the ’70s. Look for my review tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @nerdkungfu, and if you feel the need to express yourself with regards to this film or my review feel free to do so here. Just don’t mention fake Louis Vuitton bags, which is what 90% of the comments I get do. If you have an off topic question (6’5″, 235lbs SWM) or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you tomorrow. Happy New Year!
Dave
Frozen Movie Review
Blandtastic.
I guess the honeymoon for the marriage between Disney and Pixar is officially over. You know how it is. When a couple first gets together the husband lets the wife pick the restaurant, 
choose the shade of white for the living room, and drive the car once in a while but after a year or two he’s decided the best place for her is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen while he smokes cigars, watches football, and makes movies with princesses in them.
(If any of you want to speculate on the nature of my own relationships based on that last statement, chances are that you would be at the same time completely right and completely wrong. Game Over image is from the Funny T-shirt category)
Not to say that Frozen is bad. It has a number of mixed messages (which are at times at odds with each other) but is pretty to look at and has a lot of singing (more on that later). If you gave the writers the assignment of creating a kid film with as many princesses and collectable toys in it as possible I’d say they did an admirable job. This is going to end up one of those reviews where I am at odds with the masses of legitimate reviews, but something about this film just left me cold (haw!).
For one thing, is there an occupation in the Disney world for a cute young girl other than princess? I mean, surely the housekeeper and peasant women at some point were hot teenage girls who had a magical romance where they fell in love and procreated without the benefit of a palace and ballroom. I laughed at the end of Wreck it Ralph when Vanellope turned out to be a princess but honestly it is to the point of being a creepy, psychotic obsession. It’s like a middle aged single man who has a massive ceramic clown collection.
Another thing that bugged me was a couple of the messages. Sure, there was a great one about sisterhood and standing by your family, but the youngest of the two princesses sole stated goal in life was to fall in love and get married. Not exactly empowering. Definitely not the accepting of your own nature message that was so great in Wreck it. Is it possible that there might be a teenage girl in a Disney film who wants to go to college and accomplish something other than fall in love, or maybe just smoke a lot of pot and become the worlds best twerker?
That’s not totally fair. There was a good message about acceptance in this one as well, and the importance of not being a closeted shut in. A lot of it felt recycled from other films however and this really wasn’t the vehicle to carpool these messages to work.
There were some things that did bug me in definable ways. The trolls, for one thing. A more blatant ploy for selling toys you will not find, and they were truly annoying (as well as unnecessary). Yes, I know this film is for the kiddiewinks and I am an ass for even reviewing it, but a good kids film should entertain all ages. I could see WIR once a week and enjoy it. Anyway, the trolls sucked. What did they look like, you ask? Take a troll doll, squish the aspect ratio down vertically about 20%, and color them green. Done.
Finally, the singing. You know how in the Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast there are classic songs that work themselves into the movie seamlessly and you can hear them even now and not only know what film they were from but exactly what scene? I’m a dude of massive machismo and even I can recognize Be Our Guest and tell you exactly what was happening while it was being sung (truth be told, put a gun to my head and I could probably recite most of the lyrics. No amount of coercion will get me to actually sing it, however), or Under the Sea. No danger of that here. Instead of songs that enhance the film the music is forced into the film with the subtlety and painlessness of a garden hose catheter and are mostly the characters singing their dialog instead of speaking it. I honestly can’t remember one of them. They all blur together into a mediocre montage. The people singing them didn’t impress me with their pipes either, although to be honest I am not much of a musical talent myself unless playing the radio counts. I just know what I like.
The story. It starts off with Princess Anna (Kristen Bell-Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Veronica Mars, When in Rome) waking up her older sister Ilsa (Idina Menzel-Rent, Beowulf, Enchanted) so they can play. Ilsa has magical cold power for some reason and can manifest ice and show. While playing she accidentally shoots Anna in the head and freezes her brain. Her father and mother the king and queen take her to the local trolls, who look like rocks until they unroll themselves. The head troll (Ciarán Hinds-There Will Be Blood, the Road to Perdition, the Woman in Black) cures her and also erases her memory of Ilsa’s powers for some reason (?). Ilsa has to shut out Anna and hide in her room trying to control her power.
Skip forward a couple years and the king and queen are “lost at sea” (cough cough dead cough cough. Have fun explaining that to your kindergartener). Ilsa and Anna live almost alone in the shut down palace until Ilsa comes of age and is made queen. She still can barely control her power and has to wear gloves all the time. At the coronation party Anna meets Hans (Santino Fontana-Jersey Shore Gone Wild, Submissions Only, Nancy Please), a handsome prince. They hit it off and ask Ilsa for permission to marry after knowing each other for like two hours (another great message for your kids). She wisely denies permission but Anna argues. During the course of the argument Anna gets a glove and Ilsa unleashes her power, freezing over the countryside.
Ilsa runs off into the cold and creates a pretty spectacular ice palace. Anna goes after her and leaves Hans in charge. In the woods she meets up with Kristoff (Jonathan Groff-Taking Woodstock, the Conspirator, C.O.G.), a professional ice seller who is now in need of employment. She hires him to help her get to her sister. Along the way they meet up with a living snowman Ilsa created named Olaf (Josh Gad-Jobs, Love and Other Drugs, 21) who is along for the comedy relief. They get to Ilsa but she ejects them with the help of a terrifying snow monster she also created.
Hans leads an expedition to find Anna and capture Ilsa (the whole country is frozen over and everyone is bummed) and mixes it up with the snow monster. Two dudes sent along by a two big bad duke (Alan Tudyk-Firefly, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, Wreck it Ralph) try to kill Ilsa and she defends herself. During the course of the fight Anna gets ice zapped in the heart. Kristoff takes her to see Trolli who says only an act of true love will save her. They rush back to the palace where Hans has Ilsa locked up and he turns out to be a power hungry jerk (why is it chicks always dig the bad boys?). Conflict ensues, Ilsa learns an important message about the power of true love and sisterhood, and Anna finds her heart is elsewhere.
I don’t know. This is one of those films that in my opinion the total value does not equal the sum of all its parts. It has the elements needed. A princess or two. Check. Cute sidekick characters. Check. A hunky romance. Check. A bad guy who is not too threatening. Check. Singing. Check. Some magical visuals. Check. I have seen other reviewers call this one another Disney classic but honestly I don’t see it. It’s good but not amazing. A couple years from now it will be just another one on the pile. I don’t think they will be remastering and rereleasing it 25 years from now. Of course with kids films I skip the star/black hole thing and just go with how the kids in the audience react, and to be honestly they all seemed to be loving it. From that perspective this film is nigh flawless and perfect to help your kid kill a couple more hours of his or her childhood. I just don’t think you the adult will be as entranced.
So worth seeing sure. Maybe my dissatisfaction stems from my cold, dead heart but in truth there are plenty of kids films that I love. Date movie? Absofreakinglutley. If you don’t have kids but have a chick you are trying to thaw (haw! again) you can’t pick a better film. Bathroom break? Nothing really jumps out as being truly necessary or unnecessary. Maybe the scene at the trading post?
Thanks for reading. I still have Oldboy to write up but for some reason am not that motivated to work on it. I’ll try to get it done tomorrow. I double dog dare you to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Who wants to be my 200th follower? If you have a comment on this film or my review post it here, and if you have an off topic question or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Review
Game winning.
There’s a special feeling you get when you see a franchise movie with a dedicated fan base on opening night. If any of you saw any of the Star Wars or Harry Potter movies this way you know what I mean. As bad as some of them may be you cannot help but get caught up in the excitement and passion that the fans exude from every pore and orifice. People show up in costume, show creepy fan tattoos, and will happily band together and beat the ass of any with the temerity to doubt the world wide worth of their favorite book-turned-movie character. These things add a flavor and energy to the film that otherwise might go unnoticed. Also if you fail to appear to enjoy the film there’s always that band together thing to worry about.
Well, except for Twilight, of course. There isn’t enough fan loyalty and good will in the universe to make that franchise watchable. We’re talking a general feeling of warmth here, not the almighty power of God. The best way to find one of those sparkly vampire movies enjoyable is on some serious drugs in a completely different room from the one the film is playing in, preferable in a different house in a different city or even on a completely different plane of existence where life is based on silicon rather than carbon and communication is through low level coded emissions of radiation. Speaking of God and different planes of existence the Charlie Sheen winning image I got from the funny t shirt category. It was the only winning image I could think of.
So the fan base at the late night screening last night added to my enjoyment of this film. I saw three girls dressed as Katniss (one with a fake bow and quiver of arrows, although for some inexplicable reason she had her pretend arrows coming out of the quiver point first). All of them were young and cute, which are two words that could describe a really large percentage of the audience. I felt like an even creepier old man than I do when I see kids movies. At least at kids movies some people might think I’m developmentally challenged. I really need to get a girlfriend who loves movies so I look like less of a loser. Lacking that I adopted my usual creepy solo loner at an inappropriate movie mien by scowling continuously while reading my own blog (let it not be said that I am not a fan of my own work, or that my ego needs inflating) on my phone, thus guaranteeing a bubble of at least two seats in all directions so I could watch the movie in relative peace.
I saw the first Hunger Games and was honestly shocked at how much I enjoyed it. I was expecting it to be another sparkly vampire fiasco and walked in with my bile cannon locked and loaded, but I am man enough to admit when my ill informed preconceived notions are incorrect. I went and read the book afterward and enjoyed it as well. Suzanne Collins is a talented writer and cut from a much different cloth than certain writers of other novel series designed to suck disposable income and brain cells from the purses and brain pans of teenage girls. Katniss had actual depth, was not caught in a pointless love triangle with sizzle chested man/boys, and had actual drama going on in her life not the problem of deciding which idyllic life to choose. She showed courage and strength of character when she volunteered as tribute in the place of her sister, and since I was invested in her character I honestly cared about what befell her.
This film continued that tradition. I opted to not read the second book until I had seen it and in retrospect I am glad I did. You see, in the moments prior to Katniss being raised up to the arena floor in this film I had a feeling so alien I had a hard time classifying it. I was leaning forward in my seat, my pulse was elevated, and I could feel adrenaline rushing through my body. Was I having a heart attack? Brain aneurism? About to Sublime to an energy based level of causality? No, this was honest to God excitement, the rarest and most valuable of emotions for a movie reviewer (or just movie attendee).
The fact is by not knowing what happened in the book and by being invested in both Katniss and Peeta (most of the rest of the cast too) I was honestly concerned for their safety. This is a harder thing to pull off than you might think, and when you see 150+ movies per year (and then write rambling reviews of them) it is even harder. Since I knew there was a third movie I could reasonably deduce that Katniss was probably going to survive, but what about Peeta? Or Haymitch? What was going to happen to Cinna or that sizzle chested man/boy Gale that Katniss was mooning over (God dammit!)? Any one of them could have ended up on the wrong end of a machete and that would have been both amazing and a bum out. Even the new tributes had me engaged (especially Johanna).
On the other hand, if I were to offer one major criticism to this movie (and you know I have to) it’s that this is another book-to-film adaptation that assumes we all worship at the Hunger Games alter and read from the holy books every night before going to bed. Sorry but I didn’t write my thesis on Catching Fire (it was actually on the diminishing appearance of masculine art in a marginalization environment, if you have to know) and there were any number of moments where I was going “Huh?” while the rest of the audience was laughing or nodding sagely. I feel dirty for saying this given how much I have bitched about the multiple movie approach to other books (cough cough the Hobbit cough cough) but I think this story was dense enough and rich enough to warrant a part I and II. There was lots of stuff only touched on that I think I would have enjoyed seeing explored.
The film starts off with Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence-Silver Lining’s Playbook, Winters Bone, X-Men First Class) having PTSD flashbacks while hunting with her sort of boyfriend Gale (Liam Hemsworth-the Expendables 2, Paranoia, the Hunger Games). She has to leave on a victory tour of the 12 Districts with Peeta (Josh Hutcherson-the Kids are All Right, American Splendor, Epic). Before leaving she is confronted by President Snow (Donald Sutherland-Mash, the Eye of the Needle, Ordinary People) who tells her that her poison stunt is being seen as an act of defiance and the only way she is going to not have her family killed is if she sells her fake romance with Peeta to the hilt.
(Quick aside-while it is absolutely true that the subtle nuances of the human mating rituals are entirely lost upon me (along with most of the not-so-subtle ones, and for that matter a lot of the painfully obvious ones) but given what he does for her it is apparent that Katniss absolutely does not deserve a guy as good as Peeta. Haymitch says exactly that, but as a man who works to be a good guy and help his friends (female and male) I was feeling a lot of Peeta’s pain. If any of you women wonder why you never date nice guys let me say on behalf of all the nice guys you have probably rejected in your life go to hell (no the irony is not lost).)
Anyway, they get on the bullet train with Haymitch (Woody Harrelson-Zombieland, Now You See Me, No Country for Old Men) and Effy (Elizabeth Banks-Pitch Perfect, the 40 Year Old Virgin, What to Expect When You are Expecting) and travel to all the districts. They start to see signs of discontent in a lot of them, to the point that they managed to inspire riots and executions. They try their best but Snow is convinced that the two of them are a threat to his power and stability. At a decadent party Katniss meets Plutarch Heavensbee (WTF is up with the names in this film? It doesn’t look that far in the future. No one is named Bill? Plutarch is played by Philip Seymour Hoffman-Moneyball, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, the Big Lebowski), the new head of the Hunger Games. He says some ominous stuff.
Katniss and Peeta keep screwing up, so Plutarch and Snow decide to do away with them. The big 75th anniversary Hunger Games is coming up and the opt to pull in just previous winners from each of the districts. Haymitch is chosen but Peeta volunteers in his place. They go through the whole pre game rigamarole more or less same as last time; training, evaluation, interviews with creepy Caesar Flickerman (Stanley Tucci-the Terminal, The Devil Wears Prada, Captain America the First Avenger). This time the two of them work to build alliances with other tributes including wild girl Johanna (the strangely attractive Jena Malone-Sucker Punch, Contact, Into the Wild) and brainiac Beetee (Jeffrey Wright-Source Code, the Quantum of Solace, Casino Royale). All of the tributes are pretty pissed about getting dragged back into this fiasco and take every opportunity to turn the screws on President Snow.
They all get injected into the Games and Battle Royale mayhem ensues. This time there are no kids, but honestly it seemed even more cruel than last time. More effort is expended to survive the environment than each other. I don’t want to give away anything to anyone else who didn’t read the books, but there are twists and turns and the whole thing ends on a massive cliffhanger.
The stars:
Much better story that the subject matter deserves if you know what I mean. The real story took place outside of the Games, and greatly explored a lot of the politics. Two stars. I am a big fan of both Donald Sutherland and Woody Harrelson. One star. Jennifer Lawrence was looking even hotter here than in the last one, and Jena Malone was really turning me on. Of course it could be that I am drawn to psychopathic women armed with razor sharp battle axes, but I don’t want to follow that thought thread too closely. One star. The combined story and characters had me really giving a damn about what happened to all of them. I was really engaged. Two stars. I honestly liked the big twist, and it left me excited about the next film. One star. President Snow is a great villain. One star. Action was fun and exciting. One star. Pacing was great, and you hardly felt the 146 minutes. One star. An excellent use of my time. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
The black holes:
I don’t want to dump on the acting, but it was really inconsistent. Sometimes great, sometimes robotic as hell (except for Woody. He was solid throughout). One black hole. There were any number of points that would have made a lot more sense had I read the book. I know I could have, but honestly a film should always stand on it’s own merits and not require pre-reading. One black hole. The whole story felt really rushed. I have the feeling the directors cut runs like 3-4 hours. I think they missed an opportunity by not breaking this one into two films, and now that I have said that I will have to go to my dark closet and flagellate myself for crimes against film. One black hole. The sadistic nature of the Hunger Games has not softened with a second movie and I still find it really hard to watch. It is even more apparent in this one. I really hope there is some kind of long due comeuppance being delivered in the last film for everyone involved. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
Eight stars total. A very solid and respectable score. If you saw the first one you should absolutely see this one. If you are curious try to see the first one then see this one. The camera work is not so epic that it requires a big screen, so feel free to see it at home. That being said a large screen or IMAX will not be wasted. Date movie? A film about a hot capable chick who kicks ass and has a believable tragic romance? How could this not be a great date movie? Bathroom break? Hmm. I supposed if you aren’t into the visual of it the chariot scene is pretty expendable once they climb aboard. It’s pretty much the same exact scene as the last film. The training sequences are pretty perfunctory as well. Katniss kicks ass with a bow, everyone else is good at something. Not exactly the most staggering of expositions.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to see something else tomorrow or Sunday and write it up. Follow me on Twitter (or don’t as the vast majority of my readers seem inclined to) @Nerdkungfu. Comments about this review or movie can be left right here, and if you have an off topic comment or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. If you happen to work for a studio and want to get me in to see advanced screenings I am most definitely down to hear from you. Also I am willing to work with other sites publishing my reviews, so if your reviewer just went back to rehab and you are looking for someone let me know. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
The Counselor Movie Review
WTF?
And I’m not talking about the last part of the week. There is an ugly trend in my movie going life in that directors that I used to love when I was just an avid casual movie viewer are losing their luster as I see every film and realize that even the greats are capable of producing crap. Robert Rodriguez, Luc Besson, and even to a lessor extent Martin Scorsese (he should have never gotten involved in the Family even as a producer) have fallen prey to my current film perspective. So far only Quentin Tarantino has proven immune to this (for obvious reasons).
My love of Ridley Scott took a hard punch to the nuts when I realized I didn’t like Prometheus. However, one bad film is not enough to turn me off on a director. Neither is two, but two in a row is a bad trend. This film is not No Country for Old Men. It is not even the Road. It is a prosaic collection of mind numbing dialog and impossible to follow plot twists within plot twists. I’ve seen unnecessarily convoluted before, but this makes those look like they were drawn on a wall with a laser level. I think a director should see some kind of warning sign when you are introducing characters with a back story and development in the last 15 minutes of the film.
Weirdly enough, in spite of the fact that the story was impossible to follow the actual events couldn’t have been more telegraphed if the audience had had Western Union deliver a script a week before viewing. One of the main-ish characters tells a the main dude that he is going to get into trouble being involved with the Mexican drug cartel and sure enough, bad things happen. He tells a story about a horrible execution device in foreshadowing as dark as a mime’s heart and sure enough, we get to see it happen. Predictable doesn’t begin to describe it.
Speaking of stories, if you like characters telling long, rambling tales and dispensing inane homey wisdom at the drop of a hat this is the movie for you. The only reason to like Michael Fassbinders character is he is the only one who is not constantly going off on weird ass irrelevant dialog tangents that do nothing for the story other than clog it down. I spent most of the film struggling to figure out what the hell was going on and having every character tell another creepy sex or dog story made it like trying to untangle a huge ball of yarn while wearing boxing gloves.
Sigh. Acting was pretty good, but that is probably the result of the individual actors talent. Ridley told Cameron Diaz to play a bitchy, sexy, double crossing sociopath and she was able to do it. Fassbinder was told to be a lame tool in over his head and like magic the character appeared. The massively talented cast helped make this film more bearable, but not more watchable.
This film felt like Ridley Scott had a secret, more coherent script in his head that only he could see or understand. That is the only explanation I can think of for the disjointed, incoherent plot. There are twists within twists, and for the life of me I still can’t figure out who the bad guys were supposed to be. Major characters are introduced willy nilly only to die off or vanish into the ether. If you are a fan of knowing what the hell is going on I’d say this is not the movie for you.
The story recap may be my biggest challenge since I started doing these reviews. I didn’t understand a lot of it, and there is a lot of detail to remember. If being confused annoys you skip ahead to the stars and black holes.
The Counselor (no name in the credits, which I find annoying like The Voice or The Kid in Getaway. I am going to just call him Fassbinder, which ironically is more letters to type then Counselor but infinitely less on my jock. Oh, yeah. Michael Fassbinder-X-Men First Class, Prometheus, Inglorious Basterds) is in bed with his hot girlfriend Laura (Penélope Cruz-Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides, Blow, Vanilla Sky) having creepy sex (this pattern would continue for most of the time the two of them got together. Most of the scenes with the two of them sounded like a soft core phone sex operator). He needs a lot of money for some reason (?) and hooks up with old friend and sort of gangster Reiner (Javier Bardem-No Country for Old Men, Skyfall, the Sea Inside), who does something (??) for an unnamed Mexican Cartel. Reiner has a super hot and blatantly evil (I mean more evil than all women are intrinsically. Not that I’m bitter) girlfriend named Malkina (Cameron Diaz-There’s Something About Mary, Shrek, Gangs of New York) who by his own admission is super sexy, super smart, and super evil. She is doing something for Reiner with computer screens (???) and seems to know everything about his business. Fassbinder wants to get in on the drug trade and apparently can for a certain amount of money (?x4. How does this work? Don’t drug dealers get paid by the buyers, not douchy lawyers who don’t do anything but answer the phone?)
Anyway, all the drugs are loaded into a sewage truck and drive from Mexico (I guess) to Chicago (with Arizona plates. Who transports sewage thousands of miles?). They make a stop and remove some kind of critical driving component (?x5). Meanwhile Fassbinder meets with Ruth (Rosie Perez-White Men Can’t Jump, Pineapple Express, Won’t Back Down), some kind of local crime queenpin (?x6) who he is representing for some offense. She asks him to get her son out of jail for a speeding ticket at 206 MPH on a bike. He does and it turns out the son is a crime courier who gets the secret truck component and hides it in his helmet.
Fassbinder hooks up with Westray (Brad Pitt-Fight Club, World War Z, Inglorious Basterds), who does something (?x7) for the drug guys (or someone). Maybe money laundering. About 800 people tell Fassbinder he is in over his head and bad things are going happen eventually.
Some dude who works for someone (?x8) stretches a wire across the road and cuts off Ruth’s sons head to get the mystery truck component. He and another dude steal the truck. Fassbinder, Reiner, and Westray are now in trouble with the bad guys (who are who, exactly? We never see anyone other than the henchman). Things seem to fall apart fast. Some other dudes who work for what sounds like the original drug cartel (maybe. ?x9 I guess) steal the truck in a highway robbery. They repair the truck and send it to Chicago where it ends up where it was supposed to go in the first place I think.
Reiner gets killed in a botched kidnapping. Westray is seduced by a hot blond girl (maybe. The never showed any details) who steals the one password to all his money accounts and gives it to Malkina, who may or may not be behind this whole mess. He gets his head cut off while Fassbinder is trying to find a way to save a kidnapped Laura. Lots of loose ends are left flying while a few get resolved sort of. Honestly it’s all really confusing and would require a couple more viewings to really understand, something I am most definitely not willing to do.
The Stars:
Acting was good all around. Two stars. Camera work and editing about as flawless as one would expect from a truly amazing director. One star. Cameron Diaz looks super hot as a conniving evil bitch. Also she had a really sexy tattoo. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes:
OMG confusing as hell. Who was stealing from whom? Where are the actual villains? What jobs do any of these guys do? How did any of the characters to any of the stuff they did? Why was in necessary to show Fassbinder flying to Amsterdam to buy the world’s sexiest diamond for his engagement ring to Laura? Three black holes. Boring as hell. IMDB should be ashamed to classify this as Crime/Drama/Thriller as the only thing thrilling in this thing was…actually nothing was thrilling in here. What very limited action there was was perfunctory at best. Lots of scenes of slow moving sewage trucks traveling along dirt roads. Two black holes. Listening to the dialog was like trying to set the world record for eating sawdust; boring, tasteless, and completely without nutritional value. I never want to hear anyone tell any kind of story ever again. Two black holes. In spite of running a grinding 117 minutes it felt like about 100 minutes of expository scenes landed on the cutting room floor. I guess explaining to the audience what the deal is runs second to listening to a wise man tell Fassbinder about a Mexican poet in a 10 minute conversation that can be summed up with the words “You’re screwed”. This film felt weirdly long and short at the same time. One black hole. Rated R and no real nudity. Throw me a frickin’ bone here, people. Give me something more than side boob please. One black hole. Characters popped up and disappeared like the world’s largest Wack-a-Mole. Was it really necessary to give them all a back story and character development? One black hole. What the hell was the deal with the truck component? It looked like you could fix that truck with some baling wire and chewing gum, and if the truck couldn’t drive without the mystery grommet why send it hundreds of miles away by Speedy Delivery Guy? Sorry but that point is really grinding my gears (haw!). Also if the bad guys knew where the truck was couldn’t they have just towed it, or transferred the drugs to another truck? Why no guards on your $20,000,000 worth of cocaine? One black hole. A bunch of other dumb plot holes that might not have seemed so huge had I a clue who was doing what and why. One black hole. Who the hell was Ruth? One black hole. Predicable as the tides. One black hole. The overall message (getting involved with a Mexican drug cartel is a bad idea) was about as obvious and impactful as saying giving yourself a Ghost Pepper Sauce enema is a bad idea. One black hole. Total: 15 black holes.
Wow. 11 total black holes. This might be my worst movie so far this year. It is definitely my most disappointing. Watching a massive collection of talent such as Ridley Scott, Cormac McCarthy, Michael Fassbinder, and Cameron Diaz get together and s&*% the bed is 100,000 times more disappointing than watching Adam Sandler create another comedy a-bomb. It’s like meeting the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny in a dark alley and having them curb stomp you and steal your shoes. Worth seeing at all? If following a plot is a secondary goal (or you are some kind of super genius) I suppose. It is pretty and the acting is good. 
If you are going because you love Cormac McCarthy movies you should immediately seek psychological counseling (haw!) but honestly this film will only hurt your love of his work (image courtesy of the funny t-shirt category). I’m going to counsel you to stay away (haw again! I’m on a roll tonight). Date movie? Only if your date is super smart and likes to show you how much better she is at figuring out movie plots or super dumb and used to being confused at movies. If she is in the 85-130 IQ range no way. Bathroom break? This film is so confusing there is not a single scene that would further damage your comprehension by missing so go nuts. There is some resolution in the last 20 minutes so I’d say go in the first 97 minutes. Any time you see the sewage truck is a good time (and possible inspiration).
Thanks for reading. This is one where I hope I can help you not have a bad evening. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you think I am an idiot or agree with my assessment feel free to comment here, and if you have an off topic suggestion, question, or death threat feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a great night.
Dave
