A sad day for Science Fiction
This is kind of a personal thing but since this is my blog I figured I can indulge myself. I found out this morning that Iain Banks, brilliant author of the Culture series, has late stage cancer. He is easily my favorite author and Use of Weapons is my all time favorite book. If you have not read it I highly recommend you do.
I stumbled upon that book while looking for almost anything and the cover drew me in. It was a cool picture of a city burning, and at the time I was really into military sci fi. The story however blew my mind. Mr. Banks crafts a narrative like no other and draws you into his characters amazingly well. His books are full of cool twists and plot points, and the Culture series is a shocking rich setting. If you enjoy Use of Weapons the next two I would recommend would be the Player of Games and Consider Phlebas. Both are excellent.
His books always have a dark side which I appreciate. However if you like the darkness check out some of his non-sci fi fiction. They make his sci fi look like a Smurfs episode. The Wasp Factory is as dark and grim as anything you could consider and if that doesn’t ruin your life (in a good way) read the Crow Road.
Anyway, it is a sad day not only for sci fi but in my opinion literature. He is penultimate example of where science fiction could go with the right amount of imagination based in reality, and makes most of the amateurish work out there look like 4th grade creative writing assignments (for example the book they based the movie I last reviewed on). 
If there were a god and he loved nerds he would send a miracle to Mr. Banks.
Dave
(Nerd message courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
I have a new favorite holiday.
So I just found out that June 1st is National Punch a Hipster and I couldn’t be more excited. I am already putting together a posse to cruise Temescal and the Mission District. Most holidays I celebrate by playing video games or staring morosely at my TV, but now I have a holiday I’m actually excited to participate in. Also, rather than playing pretend violence I get to participate in some real violence!
In truth I doubt I will punch anyone. I’m really not a violent person. However, be warned on June 1st if you cross my path and are dressed like a ’70s flood victim, spent an hour making your hair look like you just got caught in a wind storm (or had someone really fart in your face), are willing to argue for an hour that vinyl records just sound better than digital, and know that iPads are mainstream but are using one ironically there is a pretty good chance you will get your aviator sun glasses pushed into your face with my fist. If you are doing all that while riding a fixie there is a very good chance it will happen.
Die Hipster Scum image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category.
Dave
21 & Over Review
About as bad as you can imagine x2.
When I reviewed Project X I talked about how much I hated high school and how movies about high school kids having fun and getting laid sends me into a murderous frenzy (actually this is a recurring theme for me so unless you are doing something along the lines of Donnie Darko or Heathers you can expect me to excrete all over your high school comedy). However my natural resentment does not really extend into college as I managed to enjoy myself through most of it. Sure, I still wasn’t getting laid but at least I had friends and wasn’t inclined to kill either myself or everyone else on alternating days. 
Thus the opportunity for me to enjoy college comedy movies is wide open. (Animal House image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Unfortunately 21 & Over took that potential good will and projectile vomited all over it. It’s a high school comedy without the issue of how to get more booze. If you took the DNA of the Hangover, Superbad, and Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (the really bad one), mixed it all up in a dirty ashtray and the injected into a pregnant banana slug the offspring might look vaguely like this film.
At this point I usually find something to say like “The movie could have been decent if they had just…”. I could probably find something like that, but honestly I just don’t care enough. I think the worst part about this film is the complete lack of impression it will make on your brain. If you have ever turned 21 or seen someone turn 21 then you have seen every funny moment in this film, and the rest of the “plot” is only so much paper towel used to clean up the mess. It really is unremarkable in almost ever regard.
I want to take a second to grind a personal axe with regards to this movie. It is rated R for language and nudity. Films that go R for just violence and gore are a waste of potential. If you are going to get the R rating throw in some hot girls. It will often distract the portion of the audience that likes girls from the horrible plot or whatever other miserable failure your film is maneuvering around. This film did that to an extent. However, for every two seconds of naked, shaky camera boob we saw (and I’m not kidding when I say the longest shot was like two seconds) they would gift us with at least five minutes of naked man ass (or dong). I’m reasonable sure that even girls who are into guys don’t want to see that much manflesh, and as a straight guy I can tell you it makes my eyes very sad.
Anyway, the story. Loser drop out party boy Miller (Miles Teller-Project X, Footloose, Rabbit Hole) and preppy future finance guy Casey (Skylar Austin-Wreck It Ralph, Pitch Perfect, Hamlet 2. By the way, who names their son Skylar?) come to town to celebrate the 21st birthday of high school friend Jeff Chang (Justin Chon-Twilight (all three)). They show up only to discover he has an interview with a medical school the next morning and his draconian father (Francois Chau-Rescue Dawn, Beverly Hills Ninja, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: the Secret of the Ooze) is there to make sure he doesn’t screw up (and to provide the only remotely interesting character in the film).
In spite of what is going on Jeff agrees to go out. At that point it is basically a non-flashback Hangover. He gets drunk off his ass. Casey meets a hot girl (Sarah Wright-the House Bunny, Made of Honor, All You’ve Got) who “forgets” to tell him about her boyfriend until after he is totally into her (speaking as a guy who has set foot in that pile of dog waste on pretty much a weekly basis can you women out there just assume if a guy is talking to you there is a reasonable chance he likes you and you should find a casual way of mentioning your significant other in the first two minutes? Otherwise just save him a lot of time and start the conversation off by kicking him in the nuts. I think most of us would prefer that). Eventually they figure out that then need to get Jeff home before his life is ruined but can’t remember where he lives. They do everything possible to find his home while dragging his passed out ass all over town. They have multiple run ins with the girls angry boyfriend, get branded by a sorority (out of basic human decency I’m not going to go into the events that led up to that moment. Sufficed to say I think I would prefer a fortnight at a forced labor camp to seeing anything that stupid again), discover Jeff’s “dark” secret (it is implied that he is suicidal and possible homicidal, but in the end they figure out that he just likes to party too much. F+ on the plot twist), and engage in enough drinking to kill everyone in the theater from alcohol poisoning.
In the end Jeff finally mans up and bitches out his father, has his penis stretched (again, human decency), and Casey gets the girl. Sorry if I spoiled the movie for you but if you go to see this thing after this review you are a glutton for punishment and probably get some kick out of having someone ruin stuff for you. You would have to be in a vegetative state to not have seen the ending coming from miles away anyway.
The stars. Some nude breasts. One star. In spite of how horrible this film is, there were some points where I laughed. I think it’s just some situations are funny no matter how bad the context. Seeing a drunk guy bazooka barf all over a crowd while riding a mechanical bull is as funny here as it would be in Citizen Kane. One star. Total: two stars.
The black holes. The film treats the story like a half dead abused mule dragging the plot from drunken set piece to drunken set piece. By the end of the film they whipped it to death. One black hole. Derivative of every drunk movie and most of your home videos. One black hole. Way, way, way too much naked man ass. Two black holes. Some of the plot devices were incredibly lame. One black hole. Somehow Miller and Casey managed to do a months worth of drinking and drinking games in like two hours. One black hole. The running gag about the girls boyfriend wasn’t funny the first time, and then they beat it into the ground a couple dozen more times. One black hole. The ending was painfully trite and stupid. One black hole. Overall a big waste of my time. Two black holes. Total: ten black holes.
A grand total of eight black holes. I think the producers of this movie hoped that the drinking theme would drag out the party animals and alcoholics, but I don’t think there is enough booze on the planet to make this movie fun. Given that there is so much good film out there right now give it a pass. Date movie? If you and your date are looking for a quiet, empty place to make out or possible have sex this one will do. I don’t think you will be sharing the theater with many people. Bathroom break? Anywhere you like, and by that I mean feel free to whiz all over the projector. You will be doing American culture a service.
Thanks for reading. I feel cleansed now. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review feel free to post them at the bottom. If you have off topic questions or comments you can email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Oscar Recap 2013
Odds are I should have done this a few days ago but things are busy. Also odds are I should have actually watched the awards, but I figured out a couple years ago I could either watch 3-4 hours of bad production, lame jokes, and stars butt kissing each other and acting all out of breath or I could just spend five minutes reading off a list. So here I am with comments on each winner (all based on the ones I actually saw, of course).
Best Picture–Argo. I’m feeling pretty smug and self satisfied about this as Argo was my pick for best picture of last year. I saw most of the nominees for a change and will admit they were all admirable movies (except maybe Les Miserables. My opinion on that one has kind of soured in the months since reviewing it. I suspect if I were to sit through it a second time it would be pretty agonizing) but Argo was my choice. Well done.
Best Actor–Daniel Day Lewis for Lincoln. Again no real argument. I was really impressed by him. I was a little surprised that Hugh Jackman got a nomination for Les Mis. Not that he did a bad job or is not a really good actor, but can you really be said to be acting when you spend 90% of your screen time singing? (Lincoln image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category)
Best Actress-Jeniffer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook. Unfortunately this is one of the films that slipped my net. My cousin saw it and enjoyed it a lot. She wrote the review. I will have to see it. I think Jeniffer is a really talented actor and am glad she got it.
Best Supporting Actor-Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained. I thought he was awesome in this, although I also really like Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln.
Best Supporting Actress-Anne Hathaway for Les Miserables. Not sure about this one. She was only in about 1/3rd of the movie (yes I’m still bitter about that. I really wanted to see her throughout the film. I like her a lot) and again, if you spend all your time singing are you really acting? However, none of the other nominees really jump out at me so I don’t know.
Best Animated Feature Film-Brave. Ugh. Here is one where I really disagree. Wreck It Ralph was far superior in almost every regard except for maybe the art. It had a much better story, was funnier, and actually had a character arc and cool underlying message about accepting and loving who you are while not ascribing to labels. Brave was just another Disney pretty princess fairy tale about some little girl choosing her own husband (someone pack up this movie and set the Wayback machine for 1952 quick!). Trite in almost all regards whereas Wreck It Ralph worked incredibly well on multiple levels.
Best Cinimatography-the Life of Pi. Totally agree. This film was beautiful.
Costume Design-Anna Karenina. Didn’t see it. Not going to see it. Yes, I suck as a reviewer.
Best Directing-the Life of Pi. I am going to agree here as well. The director managed to take the smallest set in the universe and turn it into a complete world, as well as pace the film wonderfully.
Documentary and Documentary Short-I don’t watch documentaries for the most part, unless it’s about Star Trek fans or Warhammer. Sorry but I didn’t get into this to learn stuff.
Film Editing-Argo. I’m actually torn between this and the Life of Pi. Both films were brilliantly edited but the Life of Pi managed to take what could easily have been the most boring stretch of film in cinima history and keep me engaged. Argo kept me engaged as well but was working with easier to use footage. I think if I were in the Academy I would have voted for the Life of Pi.
Foreign Film–Being a typical poorly educated cultural tunnel vision American I didn’t see a lot of foreign film last year. During my movie selection process it usually goes like this: “Hmm. There’s a Bollywood film that is getting good reviews. Odds are it will be fun to watch a make for a good review. What’s this? Kevin James plays a 43 year old MMA guy in Here Comes the Boom!? Score!” and that’s it for my attempt at cultural self improvement for the month.
Makeup and Hairstyling-Les Miserables. I’ll give them that. They successfully transformed Anne Hathaway from my 100% dream woman into my 99.3% dream woman.
Musical Score-the Life of Pi. Music is something I really only notice in a film when it is bugging me (cough cough Rock of Ages cough cough). Otherwise it is literally background noise.
Music Best Original Song-Skyfall from Skyfall. Again, not something that registers well for me.
Production Design-Lincoln. I’d give it to them.
I’m going to skip a bunch of the technical awards I don’t have a real opinion on.
Writing Adapted Screenplay-Argo. No Argo-ment here.
Writing Original Story-Django Unchained. I’m glad Tarantino got something out of this. He does deserve way more credit than Hollywood gives him. 100 years ago Django will be far more remembered than Argo I suspect.
That’s pretty much it. I think it funny that the writing awards are listed last when if I were in charge they would be first. I think writing the the 800 pound monkey on the back of most of Hollywood right now. Oh, well. Thanks for reading. I’ll try to write up my review for Jack the Giant Slayer later on today. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on my remarks or the awards feel free to post them here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. By the way one of my readers asked me to add a link to his Kickstart campaign to get a pretty cool Street Fighter/Sesame Street mashup poster printed. I think it’s pretty kick ass. If you want to support him check out his campaign here. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Important Lessons Learned from Movies: Hudson Hawk
Last night at movie night (where we watched Johnny Dangerously, a movie that constantly hovered around good and funny but never went in like a very timid hummingbird with a flower phobia) the discussion turned to other bad/good movies from history. The subject of Hudson Hawk, Bruce Willis’s attempt to reinvent his Moonlighting character as the worlds greatest cat burglar came up. While this movie did indeed suck on many levels, on other levels it was hilarious. As I thought about it an important life lesson returned to my cerebral cortex.
The lesson is this: just because the plunger bomb gun plunger bomb stuck to you forehead turns out to be a dud does not mean the plunger bomb gun plunger bomb stuck to the wall behind you is (in case you missed it, the plunger bomb gun was my favorite part of the movie and I like saying plunger bomb gun). If you are faced with two forms of certain death it’s OK to run away from one of them in the hopes that the second one is less certain than it appears on paper. Sure, either one of them will probably kill you but if both of them are 99% than it’s better to have a 1% chance of survival than a 0.01% chance.
Bomb technician graphic courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category, by the way.
Dave
Lincoln Review
SPOILER ALERT: he dies at the end.
I honestly was going to let this one slide by. I had heard all the speeches were boring people to tears, and I have an issue with “historical” movies that actually treat history like a paper towel used to mop up the baby upchuck that passes for stories in most movies these days. I had heard that Daniel Day Lewis delivered a powerful performance, but my contrarian nature tends to disincline me to see what everyone else thinks is great. Just look at how long it took me to finally see the Artist.
Fortunately I have a friend who really wanted to see it and the fact that it is still in theaters says a lot about it’s staying power. Going in I was afraid the film would have me wishing fondly for a return of Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter but I was very pleasantly surprised. Like my experience with The Artist I found myself eating crow with my popcorn and wondering what the hell the deal is with my deep-seated psychosis that keeps me from doing stuff I should enjoy. (Lincoln image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category, incidentally)
The speeches and stories are indeed long. I can easily see how someone who has no patience or appreciation of a powerful performance or craves action films would find this dull, and for you sir I recommend Parker (the film I reviewed yesterday). I consider it a sign of my maturing cinema eye that I enjoyed it so much. In the years prior to starting this blog I probably would have been bored stupid(er). However, when you see every bad action movie done you find yourself craving a film based on more than explosions and cheesy CGI effects (I’m looking at you, Michael Bey).
The story is of Lincoln trying to ramrod the 13th Amendment through congress in the last few months before the Civil War ends. Not only does he have very specific reasons for needing to do so, but he explains them and they all make total sense. He does seem more motivated by the abolition of slavery than I happen to know he really was (Lincoln’s real motivation was always the preservation of the Union. The Emancipation Proclamation was a political move designed to keep France and Great Britain from siding with the Confederacy, and even the 13th Amendment was more to make his Proclamation legal. Here is an excerpt from a famous letter to Mr. Horace Greeley in 1862: “My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union.” This is why you don’t want to see historical movies with me). I guess some rosy painting is a good thing, although a lot of the really fervent Abolitionism was put in the mouth of assorted Congressmen.
At that point this movie becomes a political thriller as he wheedles assorted Democratic Congressmen to vote yes. He hires a team of guys to do a lot of the dirty work and is both aided and confounded by his main Congressional supporter Thadeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones-the Fugitive, Men In Black, No Country for Old Men). His wife Mary (Sally Field-Forest Gump, Mrs. Doubtfire, Brothers and Sisters) seems bent on making his life hell, which she for the most part does. His son Robert (Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Looper, Inception, Premium Rush) drops out of school and joins the army. Honestly that’s about it. This movie isn’t great for the story. It’s about the performances.
The stars. Daniel Day Lewis nailed this roll. Three stars for a stellar performance. All the supporting actors were amazing. Not a bad egg in the bunch. Two stars. Good story and well paced. Even scenes that should have felt like they were dragging were actually timely. One star. Historically accurate enough to not drive me bonkers. One star. It was really refreshing to see a Congress that can actually get something done and compromise, as opposed to the clown troupe we are stuck with these days. One star. There was almost no action whatsoever, and honestly the movie was better for it. One star. Total: nine stars.
The black holes. Not much, really. I was definitely feeling the 150 minutes on my bladder, but didn’t want to cut out for a break. That wasn’t a pacing problem. I think this is going to be one of those extremely rare gem among gems wherein I find no nits to pick. Well done, Mr. Spielberg.
So nine stars and not a single black hole. Definitely see this film. If you missed it in the theater NetFlix is as soon as you can. Well worth your time, and very true to the PG-13 rating so if you want to bring your kids to something both cool and educational go for it. Date movie? No reason not to. Nothing to really get her turned on except a weird liberal satisfaction at seeing justice done in our history. Bathroom break? I actually really needed one and held it. There isn’t a scene in this film you will not regret missing. If you really have to go to avoid embarrassment I’d say the scene where General Grant is negotiating with the Confederate peace commissioners. Less important than other scenes and you get the gist of it in a couple later scenes, but still try to hold it.
Thanks for reading. I’m seeing Warm Bodies and am really looking forward to it, so either I will be effluent in my praise tomorrow or so bitterly disappointed that the bile will ooze from your computer monitor and run all over your keyboard. I hope it’s the former. Follow me on Twitter (please, for God’s sake. My low numbers are starting to hit my self esteem pretty hard) @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post comments on this review at the bottom of this page (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Any off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Parker Review
Same movie, different poster
I think we need two different movie rating scales in our society. The first would be for all the normal movies, with things like Argo at the top and and Jack and Jill at the bottom. The second would be exclusively for Jason Statham movies. You see, his movies kind of defy qualification when compared to other movies. They are usually awful, but weirdly fun and entertaining. Kind of like picking at a big scab. It hurts, and you know you are just going to bleed again and you will probably end up with a worse scar, but you just can’t help yourself.
On the Jason Statham scale of movie judging, Parker is not particularly good. Statham films are usually pretty thin on story, plot, character development, believable action, and acting challenges for Jason but this one is diaphanous to the point of invisibility. I can’t help but feel like this film was either written or directed by a bubble baby; someone who as never actually seen a movie but has had them described to them. I’d also say that the person doing the describing must come from France or some other country that has contempt for American culture as every bad American stereotype possible is trotted out and held up for ridicule.
That’s probably not fair. The screenplay writer also wrote Black Swan and worked on Carnivale (great series if you don’t mind stories getting shut down incomplete). The director did Ray and the Devil’s Advocate. Both of them seem qualified. Perhaps they watched a Stratham marathon as prep and realized that actually putting effort into this project would be an exercise in futility. Or maybe the studios have been studying Stratham films for a while and realize that a certain amount of suck equals box office success (if so, fail deluxe. Parker netted $7MM first weekend and cost $30MM to make).
The story. I’m going to do a quick one sentence summary to see if this sounds like any other Jason Statham movies: Jason Statham plays a criminal with a code of ethics who is betrayed by less moral criminals and spends the rest of the film seeking revenge with the aid of a super hot girl. Sounds like about 326% of them if you count all the movies he is likely to to do in the next ten years. The longer version is Jason plays Parker, an expert armed robber (or safe cracker, or martial artist, or something. There’s nothing in this film he’s not good at except Texan accents). He hires on with a crew of American stereotypes (bald sociopathic head villain (Michael Chiklis-Spirited Away, the Commish, the Shield), fat black sidekick (Wendell Pierce-Ray, Horrible Bosses, the Wire), the hillbilly white trash gadget expert (Clifton Collins, Jr.-Star Trek 2009, Tigerland, the Mindhunters), and the greasy mafia goomba (Michah Hauptman-Iron Man, A Bag of Hammers, S.W.A.T. Firefight). Geez, did they turn past the forth page of the Stereotype Spotters Handbook?). He was introduced to them by his girlfriends father Hurley (Nick Nolte-Cape Fear, the Thin Red Line, Warrior). His girlfriend (Emma Booth-Blood Creek, the Boys are Back, Introducing the Dwights) is some kind of trauma nurse or something. Anyway, the crew robs the Ohio State Fair (white trash stereotypse a go go) and uses a fire vehicle to escape. During the robbery Parker tells a bunch of witnesses his rules for robbing people, which if you have seen the trailer you know already.
Anyway, during the ride out the head villain offers Parker a chance at a bigger job. Parker bows out, so they shoot him to keep his part of the loot. Parker survives and walks out of the hospital with two bullet wounds, uses some trivial detective techniques (anyone watching this film notice how the entire plot would shrivel up and die if the bar owner Parker interrogates for 30 seconds said “Orlando” instead of “West Palm”, thus saving the life of his brother) to figure out where the next job is going to be. Once he arrives in West Palm Beach Florida he gets struggling real estate broker Leslie (Jennifer Lopez-Out of Sight, Maid in Manhattan, Monster-in-Law) to help him find the crew. By the way, at this point in the movie my ears started to bleed listening to Jason Statham try to do a Texas accent. Bring ear plugs.
Leslie figures out that Jason isn’t from Texas (a three year old could have figured that out) and inserts herself into the plan for a cut. The bad guys are going to rob some jewelry using a fire truck (hey, if it was exciting the first time it has to be exciting the second time, right? Coming up with new plot devices is a pain). Jason, in spite of two bullet wounds, two stab wounds, and who knows what else manages to shoot, stab, and bludgeon his way to righteous revenge. 
(sorry if that was a bit of a spoiler, but if by this point in the movie you hadn’t figured out how the plot was going to go I’m surprised you can even read. Wicked Smart image courtesy of the Funny T-Shirts category).
The stars. In spite of being the movie equivalent of chewing on packing foam, I can’t deny there is something fun about Statham movies. One star. JLo is super easy on the eyes and managed to deliver the only credible performance in the film (although that might be greatly enhanced by the mediocrity of the rest of the cast). One star. The comic relief character (Leslie’s mom. Patti LuPone-the Heist, Driving Miss Daisy, Witness) was everything one could hope for in an action movie comic relief character: funny, appropriate, and brief. One star. If you are a fan of Jason Stathams monotone English character this film will fill your cup. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. All the problems associated with most Statham movies: weak story, one dimensional characters, and Jasons Terminator-like ability to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. Two black holes. Excitement through repetition. One black hole. Milking the stereotype cow dry. I understand that a lot of these films make their money in foreign markets and those markets like to laugh at Americans but if you are going to debut and hope to make money here consider your primary audience. As an American watching the filmakers make fun of Americans to make Chinese audiences laughs makes me want to find them and give them a wedgie that stretches up over the back of their head and covers their eyes (in high school that was called a “covered wagon”. Very painful). One black hole. A house of cards style plot that only seemed to advance through the most tenuous of random coincidences. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
A grand total of one black hole. Should you see this? I’m going to say yes for the same reason I say to a good friend “Smell this” after opening a bottle of rancid pickled eggs. There is definitely stuff to entertain you, and if your movie standards are low enough you should really enjoy it. However, if you are the type to punch your “smell this” friend then perhaps you should give it a pass. In spite of being an action film there isn’t anything I would say needs to be seen on a big screen so NetFlix the hell out of it. Date movie? Probably not. Nothing in here is likely to put your date off unless she is truly a delicate flower but her respect for you might suffer a bit when she sees your taste in film. Bathroom break? There isn’t much in here that is critical to your understanding of the plot, so take your pick. I’d say the scene where Leslie is running around showing Parker houses feels like a clip of Cribs inserted randomly into the film and could readily be missed.
Thanks for reading. I finally saw Lincoln and am working up a review for it. More to see soon. I’m also seeing a midnight showing of Warm Bodies and am excited about it. Looks cool. Feel free to post comments on this film or my review at the bottom of this page (if you don’t see a comment section click here). Off topic questions and questions can be emailed to [email protected]. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Talk to you soon.
Dave
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Dating 101: The First Date…and Getting the Second…
Okay, as promised a couple weeks ago, here’s Cousin Nora’s attempt at some advice for eligible gents (and ladies) who are subjecting themselves to the joys and pitfalls of modern dating. Ugh. First, allow me to present my “credentials:” I’ve dated a lot. I was married once. I’ve had many GREAT relationships with fantastic men who just weren’t right for me. And I’ve gone on more dates than I care to remember. I’ve dated some daddy mac ladies men and can tell you what makes them so annoyingly endearing. I also have a brother who always gets the babes and another brother who never does and has given up trying. This is fortunate for the women of the world, since he’s the hairiest man alive. I also have four sisters by blood and many sisters by choice (hey, girls!) I have lots of guy friends as well. What do we talk about? Dating and relationships, of course. And here’s a place where I’m hoping to share some information, information derived from countless hours spent discussing men and women and every combination thereof.
I’d been thinking about writing a dating blog – and have even toyed with the idea of writing a book about my unique dating stories and relationship tales. I was further inspired to action when one of my closest friends and I inadvertently observed a date while she and I worked at a café in Silicon Valley (a mecca for the ladies since eligible nerds abound). Anyhow, Alexis and I were at this café and ended up sitting next to a man and woman who appeared to be in their mid-30’s. It was quickly clear to us that we had stumbled upon an internet date. Alexis and I have been on many of these dates (not with each other, tragically, as she and I share an addiction to men and their accouterment – more on why I’m bitter later lol). 
So allow me to present our daters: Dude: Attractive (but not hot), fit, white guy wearing jeans, good shirt, great boots (guys, don’t underestimate the importance of selecting the right shoes) (Chick Magnet image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Chick: Attractive, fit, Asian (turned out to be Japanese) woman nicely dressed and coiffed. Let’s name the dude, hm, Brent and the chick Kathy.
It’s clear that Brent and Kathy have had at least some communication online because Kathy has brought a Tupperware container with stewed bananas in sauce and, at some point, the two share this dish. So they must’ve discussed it before they met, unless Kathy just travels with prepared snacks. When Alexis and I first sat down, Brent and Kathy’s conversation seemed to be going pretty well. We could hear Brent very clearly since a. The table was pretty close to ours and b. his voice was on the loud side. In fact, we couldn’t have ignored him if we’d tried. According to what we heard, Brent worked in technical sales and had a couple kids and an ex-wife who now lived in Japan. He liked to ride bicycles. In fact, he said that, at one point, he compulsively rode bicycles and had to discipline himself from overdoing it. Red flag number one: In talking about his exercise this way, Brent was bragging and pretending that he considered his compulsive exercise a flaw. It was like he just wanted to show Kathy how hardcore he was about cycling. At this point, Brent disappointed me and I thought he made himself sound like a total wanker. But Kathy seemed okay…her body language for at least the first 30 minutes of the date showed that she was into Brent and he had a chance at a second date.
But then Alexis and I noticed that he was talking about his ex an awful late. HUGE red flag! Not only did he talk about her too much, but when he talked about doing different activities, he referred to “we” instead of “I.” This was weird. Was he talking about him and his kids? Him and his ex and their kids? Was he thinking he was King Brent and utilizing the “royal we?” WTF, Brent?! He never clarified who “we” meant and, at this point, we noticed that Kathy seemed less enthusiastic. Why, you wonder? In addition to the “we” thing, at this point in the date, we know all this stuff about Brent, but nothing about Kathy because HE DOESN’T ASK OR SEEM TO CARE. We know Kathy’s from Japan. We know she cooks bananas in sauce (which looked pretty good), and we know she lives in or near Oakland because Brent thanked her for driving down to the peninsula and talked about Oakland restaurants near her.
Towards the end of the date, Brent kept bringing up different restaurants in Kathy’s area, clearly hinting that he wanted to have dinner with her. Kathy ignored these attempts at establishing date number two. Neither Alexis nor I heard Brent asking her for that second date, but what I did notice was that he asked her something, she responded, and then he said, “Well, nice meeting you,” turned quickly and walked out of the café as quickly as he could without breaking into a sprint. Crash and burn. Poor Brent. Alexis and I felt really bad for the guy because he seemed nice, interesting, and intelligent – and he was cute, as well. So what went wrong?
Fatal error: Brent talked waaaaay too much about himself. If we (ha) were to divide the time he spent talking and the time Kathy spent talking, I’d estimate the proportion to be 75% (Brent) vs. 25% (Kathy). That’s way too much talking time from Brent. And, not only was he talking too much, but he talked about himself the whole time. And about Japan and his fondness for all things Japanese. This creeped me out, since I was wondering if Brent had an Asian fetish and was just looking for Kathy to fulfill his Asian fantasy (or substitute for his Japanese ex). Anyhow, Kathy wasn’t as loud as Brent – maybe she didn’t want to share her business with that particular corner of the café or maybe she was shy or, by that point, wanted to end the date as quickly as possible – so Alexis and I couldn’t hear her as well. But it was obvious that he talked most of the time. By the second 30 minutes of the date, Kathy had shifted into leaning back against the chair with her arms crossed.
So here’s my advice:
This morning, I went for a walk with one of my closest and oldest (as in long-term, not seniorly) friends, Denise, and we discussed relationships. Since I am on a self-imposed “guyatus,” I’ve taken the last few months to reflect on dating, relationships, and my romantic life. As such, I’ve been talking with my closest friends about this, of course, and what I told Denise was that I’ve decided that I only want to date men who could be secret agents. How did I come to this decision? I was at dinner with my ICB (“Inner-Circle Bitches”), four women who seriously kick ass. As I looked around the table, I thought about how smart, funny, and pretty these women were…and how we all complement one another’s areas of expertise, skills, and talents. This train of thought evolved into a fantasy of us forming a secret agent den, combatting evil and saving the world. Then I thought about the men I admire, the ones who really get to me. Hm. They seemed like secret agents, too. The ones I wasn’t that into? Not secret agent material. James Bond knows how to date (duh). How does James Bond get so many chicks? Well, Denise and I think it’s because he knows how to engage in ACTIVE LISTENING with women. What’s that, you ask (because you ARE “listening.”) It’s when a guy (or chick) really engages and cares about what you’re saying – and AUTHENTICALLY questions and follows up on the information you’re giving them. Don’t just pretend to listen while you’re slyly gazing down her blouse (secret agents are VERY discreet about this, too, btw). Don’t give the standard answers or ask the standard questions. Really listen, like your future depends on it. Because it could. Listen, follow up, and remember what she said on that first date. And if she talks too much about herself, maybe she’s not the right one for you, no matter what she’s packing. And can nerds be secret agents? Hell yes! In fact, nerds are better choices for partners because they aren’t routinely shot at, they don’t have access to all sorts of hot women at work every day, and they come in very handy when it comes to stuff like integrating comments into your cousin’s blog (more on that in a second).
And those are my initial thoughts about dating and first dates…Cousin Dave (Head Nerd) is looking into making comments more visible, but, in the meantime, to comment on this (or any) blog, click on the blog title.
In the next post, I think I’ll revisit first dates and share some of the better ones I’ve enjoyed over the years…sigh…anyhow, I hope this helps in your search for THE ONE (ah, yes, Highlander…now HE would definitely NOT talk too much about himself on date one…or two… or three….J )
Cousin Nora over and out!
Important lessons learned from movies: Lethal Weapon 2
I am always looking for stuff I can do short blog posts on and have struck upon something cool. Movies and TV have for the most part given up any pretense of trying to educate the populous (and in may ways can be considered responsible for making humanity stupider in the aggregate). 
However, while the days of expecting anything resembling scientific fact or knowledge has gone the way of the dodo (an extinct species of bird. I never said reading blogs couldn’t be educational) there are still things to be discerned in the common sense department, especially if you plan a career in crime and/or world conquest (Curses Foiled Again image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Most of these lessons come in the form of watching other guys fail, like “Don’t tell James Bond your diabolical plan and put him in a death trap when you can just shoot him.”
The first run at it comes from the movie Lethal Weapon 2 (1989). The lesson is this: if you screw up on a job that costs your crime boss millions of dollars in gold Krugerrands and he calls you into a late night meeting with only him and his enforcer and you find yourself standing an a plastic tarp, you might question him when he says “Don’t mind the tarp. We are having some work done.” In fact, it is safe to assume you are about to be killed and you might as well pull out your gun and go out in a blaze of glory.
Silver Linings Playbook Review
“Silver Linings Playbook:” Great game with a fourth quarter fumble
When I went to see this movie, I had no idea what it was about. When it started, I was happy to discover that, “Pat,” the main character (Bradley Cooper) was a patient in a mental hospital. So is his pal “Danny,” played by Chris Tucker. For some reason, I enjoy movies set in mental wards; maybe it just makes me all warm and fuzzy for home. “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” is an all-time favorite and my brother and I grew up repeating classic lines from it. There are also lots of movies that romanticize mental wards and the residents within. Another one that sticks in my brain is “Crazy People” with Dudley Moore, who recruits mental hospital patients to help him develop ad campaigns. And ANOTHER scary one I recently re-watched was “Shutter Island” with Leonardo Dicaprio. That was worth a see. Anyhow, if you read this and are offended by my language, I should disclose that I feel like I should get a pass because my sister is mentally ill and I’ve had to deal with that all my life, as has my whole family. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity and members of my family straddle that line more often than not. That’s why I liked this movie, “Silver Linings Playbook.” It provides a glimpse of what it’s like to have a member of the family struggle with mental illness. Wait. It’s never just one member because mental illness is a struggle for family members involved – and for family members who have chosen to no longer be involved.
But let’s start back at the beginning: In “Silver Linings Playbook,” we see that Pat is obsessed with his (ex)wife and won’t stop talking about her and the song “Ma Cherie Amor” by Stevie Wonder. The movie really starts when Pat’s mom, played convincingly by Jacki Weaver, pulls up in the Caddy to take Pat home…and then she stops and picks up Chris Tucker, another patient who seems to have also been released and needs a ride. Chris climbs in, only to be returned to the hospital shortly thereafter (seems his release wasn’t kosher and he’s more like one of those hitchhiking Pirates of the Caribbean ghosts). But the Chris Tucker character is really just a minor add-on that provides a funny beginning.
The movie revolves around the life of Pat and his parents, who let their son move back into their house. Pat and mom walk into their solidly middle class Philadelphia home and, as they do so, I was happily surprised to discover a domesticated Robert DeNiro as dad (I really didn’t pay any attention to this movie before I saw it, except that I saw it had good reviews). Robert seems surprised to see his son as well and there’s tension as we wonder if dad’s going to let Pat stay. But then dad embraces son and we all move in. This movie does a REALLY good job of portraying what it’s like to be living with someone who’s bipolar. Now, for those of us who deal with mentally ill family members, this is a pivotal moment: How do you balance having your own peaceful life with making sure your sibling/daughter/son/parent is being taken care of, preferably somewhere else? If you don’t have mentally ill family or friends in your life, watching scenes of Pat’s manic episodes provides a glimpse: At around 3:00 a.m., Pat crashes into his parents’ bedroom and wakes them up because he can’t find his wedding video. DeNiro and Weaver play this scene beautifully, as does Cooper. It felt so real to me and brought back memories of similar episodes with bipolar sis. Another vivid scene involves a similar episode that turns into an awkward physical confrontation where dad’s frustration and anger comes through sadly well. Wow. These people can act.
But this movie isn’t just about the difficulties of living with mental illness. It’s also very funny. The DeNiro dad lives and breathes Philadelphia Eagles and all sports of the Philadelphia type (Flipadelphia from Always Sunny image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Seeing DeNiro in plaid sans-a-belt golf pants and Eagles cardigans cracked me up. Pretty quickly, we’re also introduced to Pat’s circle of friends, which includes a classic suburban couple who still socialize with Pat’s (ex-ish)wife. In an unoriginal twist, we see flashbacks of this wife, who Pat catches cheating on him, an event that ends with Pat beating the bejeebus out of some dude and Pat being institutionalized. We’re also introduced to the Jennifer Lawrence (main chick from Hunger Games) character, Tiffany. Tiffany is very cute, quirky crazy, and recently widowed. She and Pat immediately connect in a bizarre way and Tiffany begins reeling him in. There are interactions between Pat and Tiffany that are great and their relationship unfolds in a nice way…but then things go awry and the movie takes a big detour into Hollywoodland and never regains its original course.
I won’t spoil anything, and the movie’s still worth a watch, but the ending was lame. The lameness begins when Pat and Tiffany enter a dance contest. That in itself wasn’t bad, but the dance contest is connected with a bet DeNiro makes with his crony. That’s the part that’s lame and that provides the means for a triple dose of a Hollywood ending. It’s like the really clever writers who were doing a good job of creating authentic script and relationships got overruled by the producer who just wanted a happy ending. To follow the sports metaphor, the coach has been scribbling down some fantastic plays and the players have been following them brilliantly, but, sure of a victory, coach tries a 4th quarter play that bombs. Did the ending have to be so happy that the movie became another syrupy romantic comedy? I mean, I liked these characters and wanted there to be a “happily ever after” for them all, but did it just have to happen in such a clichéd way? It felt lazy and uninvented, which this movie hadn’t been. So, in a nutshell, is this movie worth the price of admission and two hours of your time? Yes, if only for Cooper’s portrayal of Pat, the fabulous characterization of Pat’s parents, and the scene where Tiffany wows DeNiro (a la Marisa Tomei’s classic “My Cousin Vinny” courtroom scene). The movie’s received much praise and deserves it, but did have its shortcomings, primarily at the end. On the whole, I’d give this movie an A-/B+. And there you have it. Over and out…until the next time.
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