The end of the Harry Potter Marathon is in sight: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I
Yes, I’ve seen all that can be seen via DvD and am now poised to see the very last one in a theater tomorrow night. I say poised but in truth I am excited. In spite of my original belief that Harry Potter was a kiddish version of the Lord of the Rings it has really engaged me and held my attention. I honestly think having watched them all back to back like this I might have even gotten more out of them than most people did, and I am ready to see the final one tomorrow. That will be a full on review, with the whole stars and black holes thing, but this one will be the usual abbreviated version with annoying questions.
I have kind of pondered why I am not comfortable doing the whole review thing for these. It’s not like stars and black holes take any more effort to write up than coming up with these questions. It really comes down to a few things. First off, I don’t sit on my couch and watch DvDs with 100% of my attention. I am usually working on my new secret army (just got the second full rank of the first unit done. Very laborious), or folding my laundry, or whatever. Therefore I could be easily off on some of my assessments and impressions. Also, these movies are in the past and I want to treat them differently. I don’t think any of you gain anything by having me recount the story and then pick it apart in painful detail. Finally, I have noticed a trend where when I start doing black holes I can act like a broken fire hose, spraying black holes in quantity and volume that I originally didn’t intend. Often times this can really look like I hated the film, and the fact is I am quite enjoying these. Also, there are enough psychotic Harry Potter fans out there to actually make me concerned for my safety should I get too harsh on it.
However, that does not prevent me from coming up with more annoying questions. The good news is since the Deathly Hallows does not feature any Qudditch I have not come up with any sports related questions. However, my first questions directly related to Voldemort.
Here it is. Voldemort has created seven horcruxes in which he has hidden fragments of his soul. As long as even one of them is intact he essentially cannot be killed. Why, then, does he leave them lying around for anyone to come across? If I had seven horcruxes the first one I would embed in a six foot block of concrete and then drop into the Marianas Trench. The second I would stick inside the Japanese nuclear reactor that went bad. The third I would magically transport to the dark side of Pluto. Actually, since they can only be destroyed by very specific means I think I would send the fourth into the sun and the fifth into a black hole. The sixth I would embed in my body, probably where my appendix used to be. The seventh I would put in a relatively easy place to find, but surround it with as many deadly booby traps as possible. I’m not talking trap doors and rolling stone balls, either. Claymores. Nice way to thin out the Voldemort Killing Committee. The one thing I most definitely would not do is give one to a crusty lady with terrible fashion sense who has already been bested by my worst enemy once to wear around the Ministry for any fool to grab.
Speaking of the Hot Pink Nightmare, Dolores Umbridge, didn’t she get eaten by centaurs a couple movies back? How did she resurface?
I have a question about the Death Eater recruitment program, and it kind of ties in with a previous question I asked about the economy of the Harry Potter world. What, exactly, does Voldemort promise someone like Snape to join him? I can understand a crazy nutjob like Bellatrix Lestrange doing it just for the joy of causing mayhem, but Snape is a well thought out, cautious, learned man. What could possibly induce him to not only risk his life and career, but also to betray his friends and colleges, as well as make an death binding oath to protect what is effectively just another annoying Hogwarts student? All the power in the world? Sorry, that is reserved for Voldemort. Money? A hot car? A makeover reality TV show? Honestly, what is it? It doesn’t seem like anyone in this world is hurting for money and can conjure food at will, so what do you offer a man who has access to everything? I can understand once Voldemort more or less takes over everything being a Death Eater is the cool thing to do and all the wizards are gung ho to join, but Snape seems to have been involved for a long time. What was the first carrot Voldemort ever held out?
As an aside, I do have to give props to the directors for casting Helen Bonhome Carter as Lestrange. If you are ever casting a crazy bitch with possible occult powers you really can’t find anyone even slightly better. I loved her in Fight Club, but she seems to have been really stereotyped in the roles she is given (Paper Street Soap Co (from Fight Club) courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
I have a question regarding the title of this movie. When I first heard the Deathly Hallows I assumed the Deadly Hollows referred to a serious of inimical geographic locations. You know, like Sleepy Hollow, only deadlier. I find during the course of this movie that the Deadly Hollows actually refers to three items that are presumably horcruxes. I have taken the liberty of looking up both hollow and hollows in a couple different dictionaries and, while there are a number of definitions, none of them in any way relate to any kind of magic item or fetish. Is the J.K. Rowlings just screwing with the English language to make for a better sounding book? I admit Harry Potter and the Deadly Objects really doesn’t have the same oomph the hollows gives, but it just seems a little self serving.
Note-I just found out I am an idiot. The title is Deathly Hallows, not Deadly Hollows. Thanks to all my Harry Potter fan friends for not making me avoid that huge mistake. I haven’t been this embarrassed since an unfortunate incident in the first grade I don’t want to get into.
I am glad to see that no force on Earth or Heaven can prevent J.K. Rowlings from employing deus ex machina yet again. Does it not strike anyone on the planet that the fact that Luna Lovegood’s father just happens to be wearing a pendant that symbolizes the exact three things Harry has to find has to be the biggest coincidence of all time? Or even that Harry noticed it? Every character in this movie is wearing an occult symbol as a pendant. But seriously, Xenophilius Lovegood is such a fan of a children’s story that he wears a pendant from it? That is like me wearing a pendant symbolizing Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
By the way, did I miss something? How did Harry lose his tracking chip?
Finally, if both Harry and Hermione both know that the pendant horcrux is screwing with Ron’s attitude and perceptions, and both understand that within a few hours of taking it off he will be back to normal, why did they bug out and leave him with no means of finding them after he calmed down? My dad used to take us camping once in a while and was a total jerk. I would get pissed off and run off into the woods to throw rocks at stuff. This is like if he packed up the car and left me on my own hundreds of miles away, except for the fact that Ron actually likes Harry and Hermione. I’m glad to see that Ron and Hermione’s romance is still going, but at some point one of them has to say something. I am going to be really, really upset of one of them gets killed in the next movie and leaves the other one miserable.
That’s it for questions. I am going to see Part II tomorrow night, I think. I am going to take a moment to make myself feel better and make a few predictions, based on what I know of J.K. Rowlings writing style. Let’s see if I am half as smart as I like to think. These predictions are based on no prior knowledge whatsoever:
Harry Potter himself is the final horcrux. Severus Snape will sacrifice himself in the end to stop Voldemort. There will be no non-white characters in the film at all.
That’s it. I’ll let you know how it goes. Have a good one.
