Is a Carrie remake really necessary?
So the latest in the Hollywood Remake Death March is Carrie, originally done in 1976 by Brian De Palma and starring Sissy Spacek. It was a great film, and truly a horror classic. As a kid who spent most of high school wishing I had the telekinetic power to destroy my school and everyone in it, this film always spoke to me in brutal, creepy whispers.
So they are going to remake this film and to be honest, I’m not at all sure how I feel about it. On the positive, I am a big Chloe Moretz fan. I think she is incredibly talented for someone so young. She was awesome as Hit Girl in Kick Ass and even cooler as the vampire in Let Me In. I think she will do a great job and rule in this film.
On the other hand, the original movie was based on a high school culture of abuse that kids today really don’t understand. When I was in high school getting bullied meant getting your ass handed to you pretty much on a daily basis, not getting called names on Facebook. I have the feeling this story is going to get beaten about the head and shoulders by the PC cudgel.
Furthermore, the director Kimberly Peirce is best know for the movies Boys Don’t Cry (decent film about a transgendered person) and Stop-Loss (Iraq war sucks), while the screenplay writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has only done episodes of Glee (TV’s campaign to rid the world of testosterone) and Big Love (Mormon polygamist with three wives). I have scanned both of their IMDB profiles extensively and have yet to find any reference to anything remotely horror. Call me old fashioned, but if I found I had a skin condition I would want to go to a dermatologist, not a taxidermist. Is it really so hard to find people in Hollywood with experience in horror films?
All this implies a strong tendency towards softening this great movie up and making it more palatable for people who aren’t going to bother to see it anyway. This, in addition to the fact that once again Hollywood can’t seem to come up with an original idea to save its life. I hope this movie doesn’t suck, but I won’t be surprised if it does. I can only hope they don’t manage to insert a song and dance number into this.
(Sissy Spacek image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Dave
Pitch Perfect Review
Worthlessly entertaining.
I am, in the parlance of nerd gaming culture, a tread head. In other words, tanks are my favorite thing to play. I have always played better driving a tank than any other type of FPS, and I think in a previous life I must have been a tank crewman. One of the things I love about tanks is they have absolute singularity of purpose. They are designed to kill stuff on the outside while keeping the stuff on the inside safe. You can’t use them to drive the kids to church, plow a field, or tailgate at a football game. In this day and age of multi function devices they are absolutely assured of their one place in the world and nothing will ever budge them from that.
Why, you ask, would I start off a review of a chick flick like Pitch Perfect talking about tanks? Because Pitch Perfect is diametrically opposed to the idea of singular purpose. It almost defies categorization. It is sort of a comedy, sort of a chick flick, sort of a romance film, sort of a Glee rip off, sort of a coming of age film, and sort of a sisterhood story. It has all the focus of a cheap security camera at the bottom of a 50 gallon drum of petroleum jelly, yet in spite of all that is weirdly engaging and entertaining.
I’m actually disappointed in that. I chose this film hoping it would be as bad as all logic and every trailer indicated it would so I could come home and tear into it like a jackal with a freshly killed gazelle. After the run of decent movies I have seen lately I need something to sharpen my teeth on. However, once I got over the testicle shrinking experience of sitting in a theater filled with more estrogen than a Lilith Fair I found to my surprise I was actually laughing at moments, and for some reason really liking the characters. Even the dumb acapella jokes (“Aca-excuse me?!”) had me laughing.
The story itself is as vapid and insubstantial as possible without actually being written by the Kardassians, and after a while the singing will have your ears bleeding if you aren’t yourself an acapella fan, but the characters and jokes are enough to carry it through. Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a great movie. You will not learn or feel anything amazing by the end of this film. It will not touch you emotionally or inspire you to be closer to your loved ones. The best you can hope for is the modest satisfaction of filling another 112 minutes of your individual journey towards oblivion. However, like a popsicle made of Kool-Aid in an ice cube tray with tooth picks, it is better than nothing.
One thing this movie did for me was remind me of why college kids are the preferred target of horror movie monsters and serial killers. 20 minutes into this film and I was ready to go chainsaw shopping. However, another 20 minutes in I had gotten to like a lot of them enough to not want this movie to turn into another Friday the 13th (Creature from the Black Lagoon image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirts).
The other thing to remember going into this film is the entire premise of the film is based around the idea that acapella singing is the end all and be all of everything cool in the universe. Remember a few years ago when there was a movie about a national karaoke contest that had a huge cash payoff? Well, let me tell you this sort of thing does not really ring true. The whole concept felt forced and fake all the way through.
The story is extremely derivative. See if this rings any bells. Young, anti social but heartbreakingly cute girl goes to a new environment where she meets a struggling group striving to win the big award at something and by the end is pulled from her shell in order to give them their best chance at victory. In this case the hot anti social girl is Beca (Anna Kendrick-Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, 50/50, Twilight), a wanna be DJ (number 6 on the top ten loser jobs that sound really cool when you are 18) and the new environment is Barden University, the lamest college in the history of education. It is so lame that all normal forms of college fun-frats and sororities, sports, drugs and alcohol, sex-as well as all scholastic priorities must take a back seat to the coolest activity ever: acapella singing. She (correctly) decides it is lame when the head of the Bellas Audrey (Anna Camp-the Help, Forgetting the Girl, 8 Easy Steps) and her friend Chloe (Brttany Snow-Hairspray, John Tucker Must Die, Prom Night) try to recruit her. She gets convinced to try out when Chloe hears her sing in the shower. We are also introduced to the real comedic force behind this film Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson-Bridesmaids, the Wedge, What to Expect When You are Expecting). She was honestly funny and enjoyable.
The rest of the crew is rounded out with a few oddballs. There is the incredibly soft spoken Asian who is secretly more messed up than any of them (Hana Mae Lee-no other film credits. She had a role on Workaholics), the black lesbian (Nicole Lovince-also first movie role. She was in Worst. Prom. Ever.), the local slut (Shelly Regner-another newcommer.), and a few others. Their big competition is the Treble Makers, the all male acapella champion group lead by self obsessed jerk Bumper (Adam DeVine-Adam from Workaholics). There is a guy who Beca has a thing for (Skylar Astin-Hamlet 2, Talking Woodstock) and some other nerd (Ben Platt-no other roles) who are either on the Treble Makers or dream of it. If you have seen Bring it On and more than a couple episodes of Glee I pity you but you pretty much know the story.
The stars. While the story sucked and the premise blew, I have to say I really got to like all the characters in this film. Great job in casting IMO. One star. Most of the girls were extremely easy on the eyes. One star. There were some honestly funny dialog moments. One star. There were two vomiting scenes that had me laughing my ass off. Something about otherwise well put together and attractive people puking makes me laugh like nothing else. One star. The sub plot with the bitchy roommate I thought well played, as well as the total nerd dude. Very much reminded me of college. One star. Generally stupidly fun. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The story would make my high school AP English teacher kill herself. One black hole. The premise that there are more people who care about acapella singing than the people actually doing it is incredibly lame. One black hole. There was definite musical accompaniment for a lot of the acapella singing, and I have to say if you are not a fan the music grinds on you after a while. One black hole. The entire movie is a mashup of Glee, Bring it On, and Bridemaids with a light dusting of Animal House and West Side Story. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of two stars, which is literally about seven higher than I expected to give this film. This movie was clearly not made for me or anyone with two functioning testicles, so if Glee-ish chick flicks do something for you I don’t think you will be disappointed. However, don’t expect this movie to make you feel at all macho. Date movie? You should never ever suggest this one but if she does I’d say yes. You see, if a girl subjects you to this film and then doesn’t reward you with sex then you know that she is secretly a sadist and you are better off dumping her before she locks you in her oubliette. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere you like. There isn’t a lot in here that I would consider necessary, and at 112 minutes you will need something. If I had to pick a moment I’d say the bus ride to finals after Fat Amy gets hit with a flying burrito.
I will say one last thing on this movie and that is if acapella singing gets a film then I can hope for a Warhammer movie in there someday. I kind of see myself cast as the villain in that one, and I don’t think a lot of my friends would argue with that. Honestly I would be willing to bet it would be at least as interesting, if missing a lot in distaff actors. If any producers are interested in working out a concept feel free to contact me.
Thanks for reading. More to see this week. Hopefully something out there will really suck and give me something to tear apart (what’s that you say? There is a new Kevin James movie this Friday where he becomes an MMA fighter? Score!!!). Actually I have a Warhammer tournament this weekend (Infernal Zoo) so I don’t think I will be able to write a new review until Sunday night. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to post any comments on this film or my review on it here, and if you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Review
Entertaining, but if you read the book you might have an axe to grind with this adaptation.
Sorry I couldn’t resist it. The fact is I have been looking forward to this movie for a while, and during the last few months getting annoyed at fellow movie audience members who laughed at the trailers. Unfortunately they were for the most part correct to laugh as a lot of this movie was fairly comical in it’s need to suspend disbelief. However, if you can raise that disbelief to airline cruising altitude there is a lot worth watching here.
I read the book two weeks ago on my flight to Italy and enjoyed it a great deal. It tells of the secret life of Abraham Lincoln and his quest to rid America of the bloodsucking scourge of vampires. It was very clever and well done, with the vampire elements integrated into a broader story making for a cool, innovative retelling of his life while remaining grounded as much as possible in the actual events from American history. The action seemed realistic, with Lincoln developing his vampire hunting skills over a lifetime and coming up with many clever tools and tricks to make up for his human frailties and the strength and quickness of the vampires.
Tragically this movie took all that, wadded it into a ball, and tossed it into the nearest garbage bin. The story is devolved into the simplest of vampire stories, Abe himself is turned into a male Buffy the Vampire slayer with the speed, skill, strength, and reaction time of ten men, and no attempt is made at all to link the story to the historical events. (Buffy staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie t shirt category)
However, the question that can easily be asked at this point is “What were you expecting, Dave?” Hollywood has shown little to no interest in creating clever, interesting stories or perhaps improving upon the general knowledge of the unwashed masses they cater to so why should this movie be an exception? The fact is if you put the words “vampire” and “hunter” (slayer) in the same sentence the Brownian mentality of the movie going population immediately thinks of Buffy, so you might as well use it as your source material.
I will give massive props to this movie (and the book) for portraying vampires as they should be; arrogant, evil bloodsucking bastards who should be exterminated without mercy. The ugly trend towards pretty, “nice” romantic vampires that started with Interview with a Vampire and continues to plague us with the whole Twilight series (I refuse to call it a saga) has to be stopped somehow. While these vampires managed to not burst into flame in the sun, at least they made concessions towards the fact that the sun hurts them.
The major thing that burdens this movie more than any other is the mind numbing ridiculousness of a lot of the action. I understand the need for suspension of disbelief, but the action sequences here becomes literally laughable. The action also has the problem of obscuring the action. Quick cuts and jumbled scenes of people dressed in similar colors turns a lot of the action sequences into a kaleidoscope-like morass of brown and black shapes. Very hard to follow. Multiple times I found myself asking “What the hell just happened?”, which is rarely a good thing for a movie.
The story is of course of Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker-Flags of Our Fathers, War Boys, Kinsey) and his secret life as a vampire hunter. He starts young with the death of his mother at the fangs of a vampire. When he turns into a young man he goes after the vamp who did it but gets his ass more or less kicked. He is rescued by Henry (Dominic Cooper-Captain America-the First Avenger, the Duchess, an Education), who trains him to fight vampires. Abe takes the axe as his weapon of choice and turns into a samurai warrior with it. He goes out killing vampires at the bequest of Henry and meets his wife Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead-the Thing, Scott Pilgrim vrs the World, Final Destination 3). He dedicates his life to destroying vampires by removing their easiest food source, slaves. Eventually he ends up as president and has to fight against the South, who are aided and abetted by the vampires.
The stars. Very cool concept. One star. I thought Dominic Cooper was pretty good as Honest Abe. One star. Evil vampires. One star. The period scenery was very good and accurate. One star. I loved the book. One star. Pacing was good. One star. Generally entertaining as long as you can dumb your brain down a bit. Two stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. They took a cool, subtle story with strong ties to actual history and dumbed it down to a cheesy Hollywood action movie. One black hole. They also PC’d the hell out of it. In the book the slavery issue, while important, was only one piece of a much bigger story. In this one it was the end all and be all of the movie. They also forced in a black supporting character who looked and felt like they crowbarred him in for political correctness. One black hole. The action, which for most of the movie was kind of dopey, fell off the Great Dopey Cliff into Never Ending Valley of Stupidity towards the end (the train ride was really, really dumb). One black hole. Speaking of crowbarring, the managed to shove in Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad for no apparent reason other than to try to look more correct. It all felt awkwardly out of place and had nothing to do with the book or history. One black hole. The movie in general suffered from the problem of trying to fit an entire lifetime of vampire hunting and politicking (which was all well done in the book) into 105 minutes, and honestly it felt like you were watching a 4 hour movie but skipping ahead by five minute increments periodically. One black hole. At some point you have to ask yourself does the President of the United States not have soldiers and guards he could call on, or does he really have to play security guard more or less solo on a train? One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Sigh. Only two stars total, and to be honest I was being kind on a few of them. Another movie I really wanted to be better. It’s not terrible. In fact, it’s entirely worth watching on a big screen and looks like it would even benefit from 3D. It’s just that based on the source material I think it could have been much better. Almost to the point of being a classic. Instead it’s just another Tim Burton movie (think Sleepy Hollow). Date movie? Meh. You won’t lose anything on this but there is nothing in here terrifying, surprising, or interesting enough to really turn a girl on IMO. Bathroom break? The whole Lincoln/Mary romance could be missed without losing anything. The formal dance where they start to fall in love is an excellent place to void your fluids.
Thanks for reading. I am going to go see Rock of Ages later tonight, so have pity on me. It should really suck. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post comments on this movie or review here, and if you have off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected].
Thanks again. Have a great night, and look for a review on that rock movie tomorrow.
Dave
Dark Shadows Review
Q: How much Johnny Depp/Tim Burton schtick can they stuff into 113 minutes? A: A lot.
Last night when I told my friends I was going to see Dark Shadows at midnight they made me promise to watch 30 minutes of the original series. I did so (thanks iPhone) and understand what they were trying to get me to see. The soap opera Dark Shadows was campy and kind of dumb, but what it wasn’t was a schticky comedy.
If a movie were a car than Johnny Depp would be a powerful V8 engine pumping out more horsepower than a rodeo on speed. However, this particular car, while pretty with a nice glossy coat of paint, seems grossly underdeveloped in the wheels, seats, windows, and other accoutrements that make a comfortable automobile. The entire movie serves only as a vehicle to deliver Johnny Depps performance and baroque 17th century mannerisms. His character is a schizophrenic two dimensional dry humor joke machine; everyone else is a one dimensional sounding board from which to bounce one liners off of; the script wanders aimlessly from plot point to plot point without really locking onto anything (and it’s kind of boring); the humor seems at the same time highly predictable and out of place; and the ending they dredged up from the deep bowels of the writers…well, bowel.
All that being said, if you are a Johnny Depp fan you will probably enjoy his performance immensely. He managed to make the scenes cool and funny (he also manages to not sing at any point, a fact that made me very happy). However, his fish-out-of-water jokes wore thin after about 50 minutes and he was not enough to keep the entire movie alive solo.
I think this was a serious mistake on the part of Tim Burton (and it pains me to say this). Sure, Depp is an amazing actor and can deliver a stellar performance in his sleep, but the cast of this film was chock full of talented people. Michelle Pfeiffer plays the matron of the family, and while it is easy to hate her for her part in Batman Returns you still have to like her for Scarface. Of course she also did New Years Eve so I don’t know. Psycho witch Helen Bonham Carter (Fight Club, the King’s Speech, Sweeney Todd) plays the psychiatrist. The extremely hot Eva Green (Casino Royale, the Dreamers, Perfect Sense) plays the evil witch who cursed Barnabus. Bella Heahcoate (In Time, Glen Owens Dodds, Beneath Hill 60) plays the nanny. For Carolyn they even got Chloë Grace Moretz (Kick Ass, Hugo, Let Me In) who is a great young actress. Seems like any one of them could have added something to the story had they been allowed.
Anyway, the story. Barnabus Collinis rejects his maid Angelique. She kills his parents and fiance, cursing him to be a vampire (live forever with super speed and strength? I think the writers need to buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word “curse”) and gets the local townsfolk to form a torch-and-pitchfork mob to bury him in a coffin. Flash forward 196 years where a construction crew digs up his coffin and in a really stupid move opens it up (sorry, if I found a coffin shaped box with massive chains around it the first thing I would not do is call for bolt cutters. Maybe a power drill, along with a bible and a Super Soaker full of holy water). Barabus jumps out and slaughters 11 innocent construction workers, a fact that does not even rate more than passing mention from the local police or news media. These sorts of thing happen all the time in Maine I guess.
Anyway, he rejoins his family now consisting of his great great grand something (? Seriously, how was he related to these losers? His family moved here from Liverpool when he was a child. His parents died. He was an only child and never had kids), her brother, her daughter, and her nephew who live in the huge super creepy mansion his father built. He discovers that they are barely holding on and the family business is in shambles. Turns out Angelique, the witch who “cursed” him, has spent the last 200 years working to destroy his family financially (? She really had nothing better to do? Spend centuries stalking people who never even knew the guy who rejected you?).
Barnabus spends the next 80 minutes or so beating the fish-out-of-water jokes deep into the ground. He dedicates himself to restoring the family home and business and does so with remarkable ease. Along the way he slaughters a bunch more people.
Let me go on an aside here briefly and talk about one of the most disturbing things about the Barnabus Collins character. The fact is, most of the movie he was funny, witty, and charming and then every once in a while would kill a bunch of completely innocent people. It’s like if you bred a dog with a porcupine (dorkupine?) that you could totally pet and be cool with except every once in a while you would hit a patch of spines and get a fistful of them in the palm of your hand. I found it really distracting and every time he would do it my sympathy for him and my appreciation of the humor would drain from the film like spaghetti in a colander. I found it especially gruesome when he would apologize to his victim before draining them dry. (Buffy Staked Edward image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category)
Anyway, as the story plods along and you get less enthralled with Barnabus the movie gets more and more boring. The ending was hamhanded and chock full of deus ex machina. Stuff that possibly should have been hinted at or developed in the first 1/3rd of the film crops out of nowhere and solves problems with little to no effort on Barnabus’s part.
The stars. Johnny Depp was pretty amazing as Barnabus Collins. Two stars. Dialog for the most part was excellent. One star. Eva Green was driving me crazy through most of this. One star. Even though they didn’t get to show their talents much, I will give a star for Helen Bonham Carter and Chloë Moretz. One star. Costumes and visuals were generally very good. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. The script felt really unfocused and lethargic. Kind of like they tried to take an entire season of a soap opera and compress it into one movie. One black hole. Burton should have realized that after a while the audience would reach its saturation point on fish-out-of-water jokes. One black hole. Johnny Depp so eclipsed everyone else that no other performances were even possible, and all the other characters were left to wither on the vine. One black hole. The repeated shifting in tone for the main character from lighthearted witty fellow to murderer. One black hole. The Alice Cooper scene went on way too long. One black hole. The whole movie shifted gears in the last 20 minutes from horror/comedy to horror/tragedy. Overall the ending sucked. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A grand total of one black hole. Not great, but not irredeemable. If you happen to be a big Johnny Depp or Tim Burton you might enjoy it, and if you think they make magic together then definitely. Nothing visually that demands a theater, so wait to stream it. Date movie? Meh. She won’t find much offensive. On the other hand Johnny Depp with an accent is really hard to be compared to, so maybe give it a pass. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere, but if I had to pick the two scenes that stand out are the Alice Cooper musical tribute or the Barnabus/Angelique sex scene. In both cases the movie diverges from the only redeeming thing in the film-Johnny Depp delivering good dialog-and trust me when I say you will not see anything memorable.
Thanks for reading. I don’t know if I will get to see anything else this weekend. Maybe Pirates. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or post comments here. If you have specific questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Have a nice day. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Michael Bey looking to remake the Halloween series?
So I heard online a rumor that Transformers maker Michael Bey is looking to remake the whole Halloween series. I am more into horror movies than Dave is, and honestly don’t hate Michael Bey like he does either. I know there are too many explosions in his films, but I generally find them entertaining. At least, the first and third Transformers.
However, as a horror movie fan I have to say Michael Bey is probably one of the worst choices to remake these movies. The last horror movie he did was that horrible Nightmare on Elm Street remake a couple years ago. It was really worthless and boring. He just doesn’t really care enough to do a good job IMO. I don’t do the research for these that Dave does, but Rotten Tomatoes gave it 14%, which is god awful. He doesn’t do a lot of horror, so why does he need to regurgitate this one?
Honestly, I would have Rob Zombie do it. I like his films, and at least as far as horror goes he is in it to win it. As a real fan I think he would make a decent run at it, and at least he would bring along a dedicated fan base. I don’t think Bey has generated any fans who will go see anything he does, like with me and Sam Raimi.
This Micheal Myers image I found in Dave’s horror movie t shirts. Good image in my opinion.
Jason
The Hollywood “We Have No Imagination” Tour continues
So I was looking around online this morning and was struck by how many remakes and continuations/sequels are coming out soon. It pretty much looks like the so called creative types in Hollywood have thrown in the towel and are instead going to continued banking on making money on nostalgic morons who feel some kind of obligation to see a badly made movie based on something they watched as a kid when their brains were softer. Here are a few you can look forward to:
The Cat in the Hat animated (I guess they figure they don’t need Mike Myers). Home Alone 5, starring some new kid (looks like the mug shots of Macaulay Calkin don’t scream super cute kid anymore, although if they really wanted to do something cool they would star him as one of the burglars). Battleship (Are they kidding?). Red Dawn (I think the reason this movie worked back in the day was we were pretty tight in the cold war. Who do they think is going to invade now?). Weird Science. Short Circuit. Friday the 13th. Top Gun (hahahahaha). Judge Dredd. Akira. Annie. All Quite on the Western Front. 
Carrie (Image from the Horror Movie T Shirts). Child’s Play. Evil Dead. Mad Max (gah!). Pet Semetary. Point Break. Robocop. The Birds. The Crow. Barbarella (if this isn’t rated R I’m going to burn down the movie theater. However, since it looks like Katherine Heigl, odds are it won’t be). Drop Dead Fred. Starship Troopers. The NeverEnding Story. The Seven Samuraii. War Games. Time Bandits. American Psycho. Death Wish. Escape from New York. Heavy Metal. Lethal Weapon. Porky’s. Skarface. The Bodyguard. The Warriors. Westworld.
I don’t know how writers in Hollywood can call themselves writers anymore. Xerox machines, more like. Does anyone remember when movies were original and studios would take chances on films? Oh, yeah. Back when all these got made the first time.
Dave
Movie Review: Silent House
…but Deadly House.
To anyone who got that joke without any prompting, how are things going in your third grade class? Mine is great. Anyway, I saw Silent House last night and am kind of pleased. There are two kinds of horror movies. The first is the lame slasher film that has a double handful of teenagers getting butchered in assorted gruesome ways by some maniac in an isolated cabin in the woods (Friday the 13th image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirts). These films quickly devolved into a body count meter and are generally more comedy than horror. The second kind is the one where hardly anyone dies, but over the course of the film you get to really know and care about the characters and are therefore much more worried for them. The horror in these films is much more palpable, and your concern helps put you in their shoes. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is a good example of this, and Silent House definitely fits into that camp.
Another thing that makes this movie work for me is lead actress Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene and a bunch of Mary Kate and Ashley garbage). She has been playing third banana to the Olsen twins all her life, only to surface with her own acting career and an apparent ability to act that goes far beyond anything her sisters have done. In the story of my mind she is Cinderella. While her sisters are handed everything on a stick she has to work away in the kitchen, learning how to be a real actress, not a super hot novelty act, and consequently has smelted herself into an alloy far stronger than her sisters. I predict 20 years from now we will still be impressed with her performances while the Olsen twins will be another question on Trivial Pursuit Gen Y version.
Of course, I know nothing of the dynamics of the Olsen family or her relationship with the twins. I just like having stories in my head.
Anyway, Silent House. It is a creepy horror/psycho drama that I found intense and gripping. That is not to say there aren’t some problems, but overall I was totally engaged. The producers claim all 88 minutes was shot on one camera, with a few breaks here and there. I suppose that is doable, but I saw a lot of shots that would be easy to cut in and out of. The camera bounces around a lot, reminiscent of found footage but really more about trying to put you in Elizabeth’s shoes. For the most part it succeeds.
I won’t get too into the story, as it is pretty simple and also has some stuff I don’t want to spoil. Elizabeth Olsen plays Sarah, a young girl helping her father John (Adam Trese-40 Days and 40 Nights, Palookaville, Zodiac) and her uncle Peter (Eric Sheffer Stevens-As the World Turns, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Body of Proof) fix up the dilapidated family lake house. The house is apparently built entirely of foyers, creepy hallways, and cramped bedrooms. Peter takes off after an argument with his brother, leaving Sarah and John alone in a spooky mansion.
At that point it appears someone is in the house with them. John gets knocked out, leaving Sarah alone to run, pant, and scream in terror at every turn. She is locked in the house and all the windows are boarded up. The power is out so she is left with some propane lanterns and a couple flashlights. There are a lot of scenes of her running, falling, hiding, and crying all over the place. Plots thicken, a dark secret about the house is revealed, and things seem to go from bad to worse.
The stars. Really scary at points. One star. You really feel Sarah’s terror, and connect nicely with her throughout the film. One star. Elizabeth Olsen is easy on the eyes. One star. A lot of things that seem to make little sense early on in the film (and would have rated some black holes) get wrapped up nicely towards the end. One star. Excellent performance from Elizabeth. She really can act. One star. Even if they did have to cut and splice a little, the camera work and shooting were all really long, hard to do scenes, making it all the more impressive. One star. Interesting, different movie from what we are used to seeing. One star. A horror movie that does not rely on body count. One star. Overall a fun, exciting movie. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. The movie struggles to give us any real insight into Sarah’s character beyond what is going on at the moment. One black hole. You know all those “Don’t go in there” moments you hate in horror films? This one has more than a few of them. One black hole. This movie was so intense and focused that I felt it really could have used a modest bit of comic relief. Cat in the closet sort of thing. One black hole. The jumpy camera made for some hard to follow scenes, and there were more than a few moments when the lighting meant we were staring at a grey blog on a black screen. The single camera made it hard to keep everything in focus. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of six stars. Excellent score, and kudos to Ms. Olsen for a job well done. If you are into this type of horror try to see it on a big screen as I think a lot of the jumpy camera and generally poor lighting will make some of the horror get lost on a TV. Not a good date movie IMO. Sure it’s scary, but I think the terror of the main character will hit your date pretty hard.
Thanks as always for reading. Nothing to see right now, but I think I am going to write up something tomorrow that I should have done a couple months ago. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me at [email protected]. Of course, you can always make a comment here as well. I have to run. Have a good day.
Dave
The Grey Movie Review
Survivor Man just got real.
So my little “Choose Dave’s Adventure” contest ended in an exact tie, with one vote cast for The Grey and one vote cast for One for the Money (by my best friend, whom I think is screwing with me). However, I was feeling like crap and opted to cast the tiebreaker in the direction that would cause me the least pain.
Overall this movie was very good, at least in a couple very specific directions. I don’t know what kind of pain Liam Neeson (the Phantom Menace, Shindler’s List, Taken) has experienced in his life to allow him to project so much darkness all over the screen, but it must have been pretty heavy. No one else can project so much pain and despair combined with anger and gritty realism. He carries the movie entirely on his back, with a support cast of disposable heroes along give him a framework upon which to showcase suffering.
Before I get much deeper into this, let me say that if you have any kind of deep seated fear of plane crashes, being eaten by wild animals, or freezing to death in the Alaskan tundra than this is probably not the movie for you. This movie shows these deaths in a manner that makes you feel like it is you who is getting disemboweled. I will call this a credit to the director, Joe Carnahan (A-Team, Narc, Smokin’ Aces), and say 
further that this movie is far, far scarier to watch than any film about a goofy supernatural hockey mask wearing maniac risen from the dead to kill teenagers with a chainsaw (Friday the 13th image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category). The fact that these deaths not only could happen but actually have makes them far more graphic and horrible.
Let me also give myself a self congratulatory pat on the back for my prediction about this movie, that there was some factor making the wolves unusually aggressive, being more or less true. Feel free to call me the movie Nostradamus.
In the movie, Liam Neeson plays John Ottway, a sharpshooter hired by an oil company to shoot wolves, bears, and such in order to keep the oil workers safe. He is plagued by his wife leaving him and suffers from suicidal thoughts. He boards a plane for Anchorage which goes down for unexplained reasons (ice buildup on the wings is implied, but never confirmed. Nor does it really need to be). The plane crashing scene is as horrific and realistic as possible without actually throwing the theater you are sitting in down a cliff and setting it on fire. He and six others manage to survive relatively intact and set up a camp in order to not freeze to death. That night they encounter a pack of timber wolves who attack and kill one of them. Don’t make the mistake of seeing these wolves as being like dogs, by the way. They are huge and scary like nothing you have seen before. Anyway, they decide they need to get out of the area before they freeze to death or get eaten. Thus the long trek through the frozen woods begins, with member after member of the party dying with standard regularity, usually just after we learned more about them and got to like them. I want to give props to director Joe Carnahan for managing to make the audience really identify with and like his characters before killing them off. The fact that they were all gritty oil workers rather than vacuous teeny bopper contributed to that.
That’s pretty much the entirely of the movie. I don’t want to give any spoilers but want to say this movie was really, really scary (making the life of the loner movie critic going solo to see this stuff that much harder. I was seeing a lot of wolves out of the corner of my eye as I headed out to the car).
The stars. Liam Neeson was awesome. Two stars. Most of the rest of the cast was really great too. One star. Scary, scary movie. Two stars. The wolf CGI was very good. One star. The director managed to make me connect with pretty much every character before killing him off. One star. Overall he also managed to keep the tension ratcheted up to eleven on a continuous basis. One star. As long as you aren’t terrified of plane crashes or wolves, an excellent movie. Two stars. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. One of the support characters seemed a little over the top (although he got cool towards the end) and was sort of bugging. One black hole. The pacing, which seemed spot on for most of the movie, really slowed down in the last 20 minutes. One black hole. SPOILER ALERT I don’t want to spoil this movie in any way, but if you are clever you might be able to infer something from this next point so maybe you want to skip to the next paragraph. The entire movie seemed to be pushing towards some kind of meta message about things happening for a reason and the hand of God creating fate, only to prove that there was no reason of any of the stuff that happened in this film. I left the theater with a distinct feeling of “What point was the director trying to make?” in my head. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a grand total of seven stars. A really good movie, if you want scary. I think the camera work warrants a big screen, so try to see it in a theater if possible. Not a good date movie, in my opinion. There is nothing going on here that will inflame your her passion, unless she is turned on by gritty middle aged men wearing six layers of clothing (in which case, after you fail with her send her my way).
A little shorter than I would like, but I really am feeling like crap and think I am going to go crawl back into bed. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If I wake up with enough energy I will probably go see One for the Money, which I expect to suck like nothing ever seen before in this universe or the three universes next to us. Feeling this bad will probably hone my bitter sarcasm to the point that I will either write the best negative review ever or just spew a bunch of random words and letters all over the screen. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 Movie Review
Bare chestapalooza.
Yes, I saw it last night and yes, I felt my testosterone level drop as the title credits rolled across the screen. I was with a friend who loves Twilight (and who probably hates me now for the snide comments I was making throughout the film) and a bunch of other women and browbeaten boyfriends.
I am probably going to throw a few spoilers out here, so if you are for some freakish reason a fan who is going to see the film but haven’t read the books (illiterate, maybe? I can’t figure out any other reason. But then, what are you doing here?) maybe skip to the conclusion. Something I heard a couple years ago that is the author of the books, Stephanie Meyer, is an uber Mormon (magic underwear?) who not only hates the idea of premarital sex but sex in general. I know this sounds weird in a story that seems to capitalize on hot, young hairless guys who lack enough money to buy shirts, but when you think about it the main protagonist, Bella, remains a virgin until she gets married (at age 18) where on her wedding night has painful, bodily injuring sex exactly once and gets into the most horribly painful unwanted pregnancy since Eraserhead. Talk about punishment. When you think about it, seems like a certain morality agenda is being forced down the throats of young women worldwide, with some serious damage being done to women’s liberation along the way (Bella is, in almost all circumstances, the passive vessel for all of the what can laughingly be called masculinity on the screen).
Anyway, is the movie good or bad? Depends on your perspective. If you are a fan I’m sure you can enjoy it. If you are more like me and really only hold a passing interest in the cultural phenomenon generated by the series than it kind of seems sluggish and pointless, with a lot of really mediocre acting and dialog. I think the best way to describe this film is with the word “filled”, as in it is full of filler. You see, as far as I can tell the book Breaking Dawn was not really significantly longer than any of the others, yet somehow the studio has decided they need to make it into a four hour epic (Part 1 was 117 minutes). Every scene seems horribly stretched and elongated to no purpose, with a ton of flashbacks to scenes lifted from 15 minutes earlier. It’s like if you were making an energy bar and wanted to increase the size and weight by throwing in handfuls of sawdust into the mix. I spent the first 45 minutes praying for ANYTHING to happen (and by anything I mean I would have been happy if the Earth had fallen into the sun). Stretching a 2 hour movie into two parts is a way of doubling your revenue, but it really doesn’t add anything to the experience and, honestly, if it works here will set an ugly precedent for future sequels.
Anyway, the movie starts off with Jacob (Taylor Lautner-all the Twilight films plus the horrible Abduction (check out the review I did for that dog)) ripping off his shirt (surprise, surprise. Yes, ladies, he has his shirt off within five seconds of the opening credits ending) and running off into the woods as a wolf, dropping his invitation to Bella and Edwards wedding (Kristin Stewart-wow. She’s got nothing really besides the Twilight series. I guess bland doesn’t translate well to films designed to appeal to groups besides teenage girls. Edward is of course Robert Pattinson, whom I blasted in my review for Water for Elephants. Looks like his new emotion chip failed again). A bunch of other people whom I am sure would be important to me had I seen more than one of the other Twilight films get invitations too. We get subjected to more of the same chemistry-less romance between Bella and Edward and Edward runs off to his bachelor party that we don’t get to see (what to vampire bachelors who don’t actually drink human blood do at a bachelor party? Sounds like a quiet evening at the library to me). The wedding scene seemed to go on for 83,000 years and was overall kind of awkward and painful. Then a flight to Brazil and a romantic beach bungalow (what do these vampires do for money, anyway? None of them seem to have a job, unless being overly good looking pays) where the two of them have sex exactly once and spend the rest of the honeymoon playing chess (no joke. I wish I was joking). Edward is afraid he will hurt Bella because he bruised her or something during that first night.
Bella gets painfully pregnant and starts showing within a couple weeks (isn’t part of being a vampire that your cells are effectively dead, or perhaps crystallized? How, then, can vampire sperm cells fertilize an ovum? And what aspect of that union means the fetus will develop in a month?). They fly back to their estate in Washington (home of Starbucks. I’m not saying that Starbucks is run by vampires, but the evidence is stacking up) where the other main vampire/robot Carlisle (Peter Facinelli, another guy who has nothing else going on, unless playing Zan from the Wonder Twins in a film short counts for something. Everything else is garbage) announces that the fetus, who for some reason has put a lead shield or something around the womb preventing xray or ultrasound (???) from showing it, will probably kill Bella. She refuses to have the child aborted and has to drink human blood, in spite of still being human. Meanwhile, the werewolves come to the conclusion that the baby will be a monster and threat to them for reasons they opted to not really share with the audience. Once again we are treated (subjected) to vampire on werewolf action where no one of any significance dies. Vampire havoc ensues. You are finally given some action, although it is short lived and ultimately kind of pointless.
Before I get into the stars and black holes, I have a few questions I want to ask of any Twilight fans out there. First of all, if you are a vampire and your plush vampire house is surrounded by werewolves who significantly outnumber you, wouldn’t you look for some kind of equalizer? And by that I mean guns. Is there some rule that vampires can’t use guns at all? They seem to have unlimited money. A couple of SPAS 12’s would have put a hurt on the wolves as they came bounding towards you. For that matter, if you have the resources just mount an M2 .50 cal on the roof and surround your house with Claymores. That would put paid to the wolves pretty quick, and it’s not like local law enforcement has any interest in what goes on in the woods.
The second question is when did the Twilight series turn into a Saga? Crowbarring that into the title really bugged me, like adding Part 2 to the Hangover. Saga is a Norse term for an epic tale. Sorry, but there is nothing epic about watching Bella and Edward having “romantic” scenes with all the natural chemistry of a sugar cube being dissolved in water while Jacob skulks around outside.
Thirdly, what ever happened to the vampires sparkling in daylight? This is actually a point that grinds me like nothing else about this series, but if you are going to make it a point of the film please try to maintain it. Don’t just drop it (Sparkly vampire image courtesy of the Horror Movie T Shirt category).
Fourth, what the hell was the deal with those creepy looking vamps and the hot girl during the credits? I know those guys are the bosses from Italy, but what exactly was up with the girl? She didn’t seem to do anything wrong. Also, one thing I kind of liked about Twilight (there are words that I thought I would never type) is they managed to stay away from the Emo vampires, and then at the end there they are. Is there a minimum Emo requirement for any vampire movie?
Fifth, they seem to make sure you see Jacob and the rest of the werewolves rip out of their clothes every time they transform in an attempt to help show how wild and savage they are, but where do they get clothes for their next human scene? The wolves surrounding the house clearly left their territory in wolf form, but when they need to talk all of a sudden it’s like they found a lost truck full of Abercrombie and Fitch merchandise. Do they have secret caches of clothing hidden all over the place? Does the magic that transforms them back to human give them clothes again? I could actually buy that, as it was a premise in a Harry Dresden novel, but why then show the clothes ripping off? Muscle shirts a go go. For that matter, what do the werewolves do for a living as well? Their wardrobe budget would bankrupt a small European country.
Anyway, I could go on, but better get to the stars. I don’t know if this is a accurate assessment, as my liking his acting is only in comparison to the sub mediocre acting from everyone else, but I kind of liked Taylor Lautner’s performance. At least he showed emotion once in a while. One star. The flash back to the 30’s when Edward was killing humans was kind of cool, I guess. One star. I can’t think of anything specific, but will award two stars for not sucking as bad as I thought it was going to suck. Total: four stars.
The black holes. The plot had more holes than a golf course. One black hole. Horrible, deadpan, emotionless, drab acting from almost everyone. One black hole. Long, boring scenes that accomplished nothing. One black hole. Stretching one two hour film into 2 two hour films in a blatant attempt to take advantage of your gullible fans. One black hole. Filler added by recycling scenes from earlier in the movie just to run out the clock. One black hole. A decided lack of motivation on the part of the werewolves. A little more thought and/or expository dialog would have been appreciated. One black hole. The writer seemed to pull the ending from so deep in her ass that she must have bumped her tonsils on the way out. One second you are gearing up for the final, epic battle where someone might have actually been in mortal danger, and the next everyone goes home and orders pizza. One black hole. Robert Pattinson’s eyebrows. One black hole (petty, I know. But still. They are almost hypnotic in how they draw your eyes). Deus Ex Machina set to full power. One black hole. Thinly disguised religious morality message. One black hole. Total: ten black holes.
So a grand total of six black holes. Honestly, before you hate spam me I could have been a lot harsher. On a bad day each of those questions I asked earlier would have been another black hole. And again, if you are a fan I am sure you will find the love for this film. Just do your suffering boyfriend a favor and go with your girlfriends. Date movie? Maybe. I think a lot of girls might look at you weird if you expressed an interest in seeing this. Not the most macho choice you could make.
Thanks for reading this particularly long review. Feel free to post comments here, and as long as you don’t cuss I will approve them and try to respond. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. More coming up soon. Cheap movie night so I should be able to see something. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Jack and Jill Movie Review
So bad it could be considered a crime against humanity.
I know I went off on a huge “What happened to Adam Sandler’s career?” diatribe when I wrote my review for the Zookeeper, but really, what happened to Adam Sandler’s career? How did he go from the Waterboy, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and even serious comedies like Punch Drunk Love to playing, not a cop pretending to be a woman but an actual woman, and himself in a non funny piece of tripe laced with toxic humor that would embarrass a third grader? Is this what happens when comedians sell out? Is this what happened to Jay Leno? All great comedy is laced with tragedy, so maybe the comfort, success and wealth he has enjoyed has permanently damaged his ability to perceive funny. Either that or he fell off a ladder onto his head and this is what serious brain damage looks like.
I will say I did derive a certain amount of satisfaction from the fact that I totally expected it to suck, but based on the trailers any idiot could see that coming. That’s like seeing your dentist pull out the extra big drill and saying “this is going to suck”. However, even I was surprised at how deep the suckage delved. Odds are during the last year and a half of doing these review I have probably overused the phrase “praying for a merciful death”, but during this movie I was really hoping for the sweet kiss of oblivion, or at least a nice restful coma.
What’s really sad is it not that it’s totally bad, but that it’s not totally bad. By that I mean if it was just so bad it was actually comical I could sit back and enjoy how bad it was, like Killer Klowns from Outer Space (Klowns image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category). No, instead we get ghostly images of a decent film. Kind of like seeing a good foundation in a house that is rotting apart and build on a toxic waste dump. There are a few funny moments (mostly involving any of the secondary characters). Al Pacino (more on his participation in the bomb later) was entertaining. The kids were cute and the adopted Indian one was amusing (Elodie Tougne and Rohan Chand. I hope the fact that this movie was each their first role doesn’t relegate them both to reality TV hell). Katie Holmes player her typical bland, no personality supporting wife but does it well and is easy on the eyes. There were a couple other sub plots and minor characters that had potential. But these elements are like small pockets of air you suck on while trapped under the ice, desperately looking for the ice hole.
The thing (literally) that dominated every moment of the film and you dread seeing throughout it is Sandler’s female character, Jill. She is gross, shrill, whiny, repulsive, and in all ways so fake looking and sounding that she sucks whatever talent or decent dialog is flying around the screen into a black hole that nothing returns from. I liken her character to a parasitic worm that bores its way into your head through your ear hole and spends 91 minutes eating tunnels through your brain, stimulated the occasional pain center or muscle spasm while steadily diminishing your intellectual capacity.
Let me make sure I have explained the character of Jill accurately enough. It’s like if a once talented comedian created an otherwise inoffensive romantic comedy and then, at the last minute, made one of the main characters a walking turd monster. Not a cute one like Mr. Hanky, but an actual, human sized creature made of excrement with arms, legs, and a mouth, and then had everyone else act like it did not look, smell, or feel like crap. Then he gave it a voice that made fingernails on a chalkboard sound like the sound of gentle rain and dialog that made you wish you never learned to understand English, or any other language for that matter. That is the character of Jill.
The weird question that kept rattling through my worm infested brain, however, was not what happened to Adam Sandler, or how any studio was dumb enough to green light this thing, or why there were two other people in the theater with me, but rather what kind of blackmail material must Adam Sandler have on Al Pacino to get him to agree to do this travesty? I mean, is Al that desperate to get on screen? Does he have a secret yearning to do comedy? Aren’t there 1,000,000,000 better scripts he could possibly work with? It’s one thing for an actor to take a role that make him look kind of like a twit. It’s another thing to take a role that kind of makes him look like a twit and give him a romantic interest that no human, man or woman, gay, straight, or anywhere in between, would ever have an interest in. Then, it’s an even bigger thing to take that twit role with the horrid love interest and play it AS HIMSELF! Yes, Al Pacino does not play a weird guy with issues and an interest in a drag queen that makes Divine look feminine. No, he plays Al Pacino with serious issues and an interest in Adam Sandler in a dress. I don’t think there is enough money in the world to make this worth his while. I am a lot less expensive to hire than Al Pacino, but there would have to be a lot of money in it for me to do something like tattoo “loser” across my forehead, which is what I see this role as doing for Al.
So, the movie. Jack and Jill are twins. Jill is everything I just described, plus a nice side helping of serious codependency issues. Jack is an obnoxiously rich and successful (again? Really?) owner of an ad agency that needs Al Pacino to whore himself out for Dunken Donuts. Jill is coming to town for Thanksgiving. She shows up, makes things uncomfortable for everyone (especially the audience), and leaves a Godzilla like path of destruction behind her. Jack and Jill (just putting those words together makes me want to forget that I ever went to kindergarten) have a fight, and in order to make it up to her Jack brings her to a Laker game that he knows Al Pacino is going to be at. Al blows him off, but meets Jill and falls head over heels in love with her. I really don’t want to get to much into the story, as it is giving me a series case of PTSD, but chaos ensues, lessons are learned, and endings are trite and happy.
The stars. Al Pacino was entertaining at times, especially when he was bitching out Jack on the phone. One star. That Indian kid was cute and responsible for most of the laughs. One star. That’s it. Two stars.
The black holes. Adam Sandler has created arguable the worst comedic character ever. Three black holes. I want to give a black hole for every time I wished I was in another theater or possibly another planet with no breathable atmosphere, but I didn’t keep track so I will cut it back to four black holes. Excrement and fart humor. One black hole. A comedy with nothing in it actually funny. Two black holes. Gratuitous product placement. One black hole. Some of the scenes that were supposed to be some kind of development really dragged on for no reason (the theater scene in particular). One black hole. A bunch of semi-cool minor characters and sub plots that disappeared after a couple scenes. One black hole. Miserable dialog. It seems the writers don’t know how to write anything that isn’t whining. One black hole. And finally, two more black holes for taking a five minute Saturday Night Live skit and stretching it into 91 minutes.
So a grand total of 14 black holes. I’m not even going try to be funny here. Please don’t see this film. The only way we can stop the deluge of of crap pouring out of Hollywood is to not support it in any way. This movie has to fail miserable, or we will see sequels and copies until our brains shrivel up and look like giant raisins. Now, if we could only get the foreign markets to stop supporting this drivel we might be able to make a difference.
By the way, for the record Rotten Tomatoes gave this dog a score of 4.7%. I didn’t think a movie could get so low. I thought it was more like the SATs where you get 400 points just for showing up.
Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing my pain. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I’m starting to thing about what I am going to do after the New Year. I want to do some kind of award series for best and worst movie, best gratuitous nude scene, worst action sequence, etc. I need a name for my award, like the Nerdy’s or something. If you have a suggestion post it here or Tweet me. I’m also taking suggestions for humorous award categories. Also, if any of you have a clue how I can start seeing movies before they come out legally (i.e. any studio people reading this and want to have me review your film etc) feel free to post, although after this review I don’t know if any studio will ever want me to see one of their films. I have given good scores too. I liked Tower Heist. I swear!
Dave
