Movie review: Kingsman the Secret Service
The secret is it’s not total crap.
All three of our regular readers must have notice I backed off considerably on my movie reviews in recent months, leaving a lot of the real blogging to the well written Jae. The fact is I started this blog to help promote my t-shirt web site and it kind of took on a life of its own. I found I enjoyed writing and espousing my opinion on movies and pop culture and what should have been 2-3 paragraph mini posts turned into 3,000 word epics.
Then a few months ago the consultants I hired to help me with this blog and my site promotion read me the riot act on what a huge waste of content that was. Phrases like “Keyword phrase embedment”, “link density”, and “optimal content length” were bandied about and I shifted my style to breaking up posts into multiple smaller posts with cross links in order to get the best Google love. However I found that I really don’t function well as a writer under those strictures and the actual writing turned into more of a chore than something I enjoy. At the same time my actual job (you know, the thing I do that makes money) got busier as Jae was showing her considerable talent as a writer and queen of social media I more or less opted out of writing on this blog.
However yesterday while writing my tribute to Leonard Nimoy I was reminded that when the muse takes me I really enjoy writing. Last night my mind was aflame with things to talk about, new turns of phrase, and the need to express myself creatively so I decided this morning to just write these reviews when the mood and time are right and leave all the structured writing to Jae. This will also give me the opportunity to keep seeing all the movies (something I quite enjoy) and continue to be the pretentious movie blow hard all my friends have learned to despise. So keep an eye out for these post, although in the interest of having a real job I will probably keep them somewhat short and sweet. I don’t plan on doing the elaborate story recaps or detailed star/black hole rating system. I think I will keep the 0-5 Phaser system in continued tribute to the great Mr. Nimoy.
No sparkle here.
So Kingsman: the Secret Service. I did not expect much from this film. When I saw the trailers I pretty much expected it to be yet another Hollywood “youthification” of a beloved movie genre. Remember when vampires were creepy old dudes with Eastern European accents who crawled out of the grave and burst into flame in daylight? Or when radical revolutionaries were people who had read a book once in a while, not some chick with a bow who won the worlds most deadly reality TV game show? Well, into the dipsy dumpster with all that content related nonsense. Now all you need to have in order to be an iconic movie figure is youth and bland Caucasian good looks.
And so it seemed with Kingsman. This looked like a remake of James Bond done with the young love child of Doctor Who and Jason Stratham 
(one of the good looking Doctor Whos. Not the current guy). Young hot dude. Check. Older fatherly figure with good looks. Check. All white people in main good guy roles. Check. A charismatically cartoonish evil villain who overshadows all the other acting in the entire film. Check.
But as I watched the film I realized I wasn’t reacting with contempt as I expected and I think it has to do with the fact that secretly I really never liked James Bond that much. For the same reason I really don’t like Superman I find characters who are so unbeatable truly boring. I like my heroes flawed and human. I think I like Daniel Craig’s James Bond the most because at one point he got tied up and some weirdo beat his testicles for a while. That’s the kind of adversity I need in a film. Also he got shot in the last one by a hot chick (oh, the irony) and ended up an alcoholic bum on a beach. My kind of tragic hero.
So it was here. Eggsy (Taron Egerton) did not emerge from his mothers womb with a Bowie knife clenched in his teeth and kill a terrorist hit team that was taking over the hospital before cutting his own umbilical cord. He starts the film as a typical dumb teenager getting into trouble and getting his ass beat. In time through one of my favorite movie tropes ever the training sequence (thanks to seeing hundreds of Kung Fu Theater films) he gets to be a bad ass but even then you never get the feeling he is so overpowered that his life is not in danger and therefore you feel a real connection with him. He perseveres through a series of luck and determination like all great heroes and never seems like he could kill a platoon of soldiers with a carefully aimed fart. Nor did he cause women to fall into bed and spontaneously orgasm with one smoky glance across a darkened restaurant. The one time he got hooked up he had to work really hard for it and as a man who has to work really hard to get laid I appreciated that.
Plus there was a lot of other great stuff in here. As a tribute to Samuel Jacksons acting ability he started the film with a lisp I found distracting (sorry if it’s real and to all my readers with speech impediments) but by the end of the film I totally bought it and him as an excellent villain. His hench woman had blade runner legs that seemed dopey at first but kicked ass by the end of the film (and I was totally in love with the actress Sofia Boutella. Sofia, I know we have never met and I am nothing more than a broke opinionated movie nerd but if any of that is some bizarre fetish for you marry me). Plus let me say whoever they hired to do the fight choreography kicked serious ass. One fight in particular will go down in movie history as one of the greats. If you have ever wanted to see white trash homophobic racists meet a bloody end this is the film for you. The camera work and editing were nigh priceless and I appreciate wire work rather than more lame CGI.
4 of 5. Kind of great.
So I quite enjoyed the film. It dragged a little in the last half of Act 2 (oh, look at me Mr. Educated Film Critic) and they shoved in a clincher at the end that turned Eggsy into exactly the super human who bores me stupid but really I quite enjoyed it. The story is very comic booky but good comic booky (and comes to us from a comic book. What a coincidence) and zero of the characters annoyed me, the plot did not travel through any swamps or toxic waste dumps, and the action was both super fun and reasonably believable. 4 of 5 Phasers.
the Infamous Dave Inman
