Nerd Dating: Making “the Move” part 3: Kissing basics
I’m not going to dig in too deep on this. There are any number of sites with advice on how to kiss. Instead, I will highlight things to look for that can make the kiss work well or fail miserably (trust me, when it comes to mistakes you can make to crash and burn, I am an expert).
1. Clean breath. I have stated this before many times, but it is important enough to restate again. If you think you might make out, don’t order the onion-garlic special for dinner. In fact, operate under the assumption that you might be kissing on any given night and order accordingly. Get your stank breath dinner plate on the way home after she rejects you for other reasons. Also, brush, floss, and toss in a breath mint at some point.
2. Match her tongue technique. Kissing a girl can be like trying to pet a strange cat. The slightest bad move and she will skitter under the bed, never to be seen again. Some women like a lot of tongue. Some women think it’s gross as hell. She will show you what she likes with her tongue. Go as deep as she does and not one micro-millimeter further. The difference between her thinking you a nice guy or a sex driven pervert is literally one lick too many.
3. Hold her face. Most (not all) women kind of like it if you put one hand on the side of her face while kissing. DO NOT use both hands. Try it and see if she seems to respond positively. Also, if you have hands big enough to encompass her entire head (I generally do) just use the the finger tips.
4. Go gentle. Slow and easy. Remember that strange cat. (Actually, this advice can be applied to all your interactions).
5. Close your eyes, and keep them closed. Some women will, at some point during the long kiss, open her eyes to make sure you don’t have your eyes open. Somehow the romance is robbed if you open your eyes, but not if she does. It’s called a double standard because it is twice as true.
6. Do your best to control your autonomic responses. Nothing will kill the mood like you having to belch (or something even less savory) during the kiss, but that should be obvious. However, given the audience I am talking to I can’t assume anything, so don’t belch during the kiss. The important one to avoid, however, is showing your excitement in a physical sense if you know what I mean. For some girls this would not be a real problem, but like I have said most women are constantly looking for an excuse to dump you and pitching a tent 30 seconds into your first kiss can give her the rip cord she is looking to pull. Think about baseball or something.
That’s it for today. Next post I will start talking about when and how to initiate the kiss.
Last posts’ “who would win” question actually seems pretty obvious in retrospect. I think Gandalf would kick seven kinds of crap out of Harry Potter in about 30 seconds. Sorry to all the Harry Potter fans out there, but any man who can beat a Balrog one on one will not have a lot of trouble with a pimple faced teenager on a broom.
Today’s question is kind of a “stoppable force meets movable object” one. Who would win; a squad of Stormtroopers verses a squad of Red Shirts? (Stormtrooper image courtesy of the Star Wars t-shirt category).
Nerd Dating: Making “the Move” part 2: How to Kiss
OK, we are on final approach to Makeout International Airport, but we need to make sure you aren’t going to completely repulse your date with your heinous kissing technique. What you see in movies and TV is not really what you need to do. Like anything else, this requires some research and practice to be not bad.
This is a bit of a tender subject for me, as I didn’t kiss my first girl until a later age. I don’t want to get into the specifics, as they are terribly embarrassing, but let’s just say I was no longer a teenager (may my high school and everyone who ever attended it burn on the 7th level of Hell). It is also a little awkward as the first girl I ever kissed took that opportunity to check to see if my tonsils had been removed with her tongue, and I assumed for years that this was the technique to use on all women. Tragically, this was not the case.
I will get into specific instructions tomorrow, and will actually be referencing some sites to help me, as I don’t consider myself an expert on this at all. For homework I would recommend you all start by checking out a site like this one on how to kiss. Seems like good info, and if you all read that I can save time on specific stuff and stick to the funny. For today I will talk about signs the girl can give you that you have either mistimed your kiss, misjudged her interest in you, or just have some painfully bad breath (by the way, like we discussed months ago, make sure your breath smells good. Mints are not a bad way to go). I am doing this both because I think it relevant and because talking about it is hilarious.
1. She turns and gives you the cheek. This is pretty much the sign that she was planning on giving you the let’s-be-friends speech and was just waiting for the moment to cause you maximum pain. On the one hand, it sucks. On the other hand, you just saved yourself some pain sometime in the future.
2. She kisses you, but does everything possible to keep from 
touching any other part of your body. Girls can do this weird Twister-like maneuver that allows them to kiss you while somehow not in contact with any other part of your body. Maybe it’s all the yoga. If she looks like she is trying to stick her lips through a knot hole in a fence or maybe like poor Flick from this Christmas Story t-shirt than you should probably get the clue. Odds are she isn’t really sure about you but was leaning towards a no. Sorry.
3. She starts kissing you but then pushes away. This is a pretty good sign that your breath stinks (shouldn’t have ordered extra onions) or you have god-awful kissing technique. We will talk more about this but odds are you went too far too fast with her. Practice more.
4. She shoots mace or pepper spray into your eyes. Yeah. Are you sure this is the girl you had dinner with and not the coat check girl? If she is your date you should go home and review your thought process on the entire date. It would appear you seriously need to re-evaluate your ability to properly interpret statements like “I really don’t find you at all attractive and want to pay my half in order to not feel in any way obligated to you.” In fact, I would consider examining all your human interactions. Odds are you misinterpret things from people all the time. It might actually be better if you didn’t reproduce, so consider a career in lighthouse keeping.
That’s it for now. Yesterday’s vs question was Skynet vs JLA sans Superman. The consensus seems to be what without Superman the JLA should be riding the short bus and that Skynet would kick the crap out of them. Personally I like to think that Batman would do something, and Green Lantern is pretty cool, but I think Skynet would be a real issue for them. I would have to vote for Skynet.
Here is today’s question: Who would win, Harry Potter or Gandalf?
