Movie Review: The Guard
So the date I had Thursday was one of the best I’ve ever had. I had some comments on what I think is going on, but just decided I don’t want to shoot from the hip and screw things up until I have a better grip on what the deal is. She is a great girl, and I hope once she gets over her ex she figures out that I am a great guy.
Anyway, the movie we saw was The Guard, is an Irish film that was ridiculously funny and charming. In fact, it was probably the best date movie we could have picked out. I laughed my ass off, and we had a lot to talk about afterward. I do recommend it highly.
The story is of an Irish policeman (apparently called Guards over there, or Garda) named Gerry Boyle (Brendan Gleeson – Gangs of New York, Troy, Mad-Eye Moody from Harry Potter) who is grizzled and unorthodox. He apparently does drugs a lot, regularly hires hookers, and has ties to the IRA. Somehow he still retains a core of integrity with regards to his job. He gets paired up with uptight FBI agent Wendell Everett (Don Cheadle – Iron Man 2, a bunch of other crap including Hotel for Dogs. Iron Man image courtesy of the Marvel comic t shirt category) who is on the trail of international drug smugglers who are looking to land their product on the Irish coast. Boyle comes across as a racist, ignorant Irishman but as the movie progresses you realize it is a front to hide his sharp mind.
Pretty much every character is hilarious, and they all play together well. Most of the rest of the Garda is somehow corrupt and is bribed to look the other way. Boyle runs through the movie like a wrecking ball with a devil may care attitude that I appreciated. Everett has all kinds of problems with him but in the end appreciates what he is. Drug bust hijinks ensues. Some guys get shot (not as many in most American cop films). You spend about 1/3rd of the movie trying to figure out what the last guy said in his Irish brogue.
The stars. Brendan Gleeson was awesome and funny. Two stars. All the rest of the characters were pretty cool, including the American and the drug smugglers. One star. Good story and dialog. Two stars. Set in Ireland. One star. They kept the gun play to a minimum. One star. All the humor was really tongue in cheek and required you to pay attention. One star. Two really hot Irish prostitutes made a gratuitous but appreciated appearance, and there was a wife who was super hot too. One star. Overall a good movie. One star. Total: ten stars.
The black holes. There were points where the Irish accented English could have used a subtitle, causing me to think I missed a lot. One black hole. The last ten minutes devolved into a typical gun action cop movie. One black hole. While it may or may not be true, the movie did not paint Irish cops in a very positive light. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a total of seven stars, a great score. I really enjoyed this film and think I will try to see it again some time to try to pick up on the stuff I might have missed. I might suggest it to my friends for movie night as well. The shooting wasn’t exceptional IMO, so in spite of having the chance to film amazing gorgeous Irish countryside the film tends to focus on the characters and be a little on the bland side. Not enough to warrant a black hole, but enough to say it would be OK to watch on your screen at home. NetFlix it.
The 10 Worst Comic Book Movies
I was at movie night with my friends tonight (the movie was Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead, truly awful but in a funny way) and the topic of comic book movies came up during the pizza break. I gave it some thought on the way home and decided to compose a list of the really bad ones. I am going to stick to the main stream stuff, since if I start adding secondary characters like the Spirit, TMNT, and Barbed Wire this list could get to be 100 strong. This is all in my opinion, so feel free to disagree and argue all you want.
10. Fantastic Four-sorry, Jessica Alba is not the Invisible Woman. Mistreated in all ways, starting with making Ben Grim look like they a wax figurine they left in the sun too long. This movie basically tore into the great legacy of the first family of Marvel and excreted a steaming pile of cellulite pretending to be a coherent film.
9. Judge Dredd-I think this story is another one that suffers more from bad casting than from bad writing and direction (although it had those too). Sylvester Stallone has a hard time pulling any role other than Rambo or Rocky (although I thought he was great in Copland) and he really couldn’t pull off Dredd. More importantly, in my mind, is the fact that Judge Dredd the comic is a grim and humorless look at the dark and bleak future. Why, then, did the producers feel the need to forcefully inject a comic relief character (Rob Schneider) as the bumbling criminal sidekick who hides in a robot and is pulled out covered in spaghetti? Did the writers actually read any of the Judge Dredd comics?
8. Daredevil-another terrible casting job, but this one was overshadowed by the incompetent writing and direction. Ben Afleck sucked in here, but he was also given a crap script to work with. I harbor a special hatred for this movie as it infected us with horrible sequel Electra. This movie would have made this list, but I wanted to stay away from secondary characters. Jennifer Garner is pretty hot, but a quick look at her film biography makes it look like she is trying to wallpaper the Great Wall of China with pages from bad movie scripts.
7. The Punisher-this one hits me square in the heart, as the Punisher was always one of my favorite comics. However, being a fan boy only heightened my sense of outrage when I saw how they butchered the Frank Castle story. Also, if you want to go back even further in the history of bad movie casting, the original movie starred none other than Dolph Lundgren. I was a fan of his from Universal Soldier, and felt he really made the movie happen in the Expendables, but in this movie he only took a sinking ship and filled the hold with lead bars.
6. X-Men Origins: Woverine-I had a mental debate over which was the worst; this one or X-Men Last Stand. Based on the fact that Last Stand at least made a token effort to stay true to the original story (by like 5% more. I know it still butchered it) I had to go with Origins. Weapon X was a great mini series (although there is some serious debate as to a lack of origin for Wolverine was actually part of his charm) that got chopped into fertilizer and spread on a field of crapcorn. However, as mad as I was at the treatment of Logan in this bomb, it was nothing compared to the way Deadpool was molested. Talk about unfair treatment. There is another character whom I felt got worse treatment (we’ll talk about him when I get to his worst movie) but this one almost took the cake. Also, could they have miscast Gambit more? The only way they could have done worse is if they had cast him with a one legged Asian woman. Again, read the damned comic once or twice. (Deadpool image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirt category)
5. Ghost Rider-so Nicholas Cage is supposed to be a massive Ghost Rider fan, right? To the point that has a Ghost Rider tattoo. As a fan, wouldn’t you think he would at some point look at the script and say something like “Hey, you guys are kind of taking a great comic book character and making him into total crap”? I know I would. The story sucked, the back story sucked, and the fact that they couldn’t decide if they were doing Golden Age Ghost Rider, 90’s Ghost Rider, or Spirits of Vengeance sucked. Also, what the hell was the deal of him only being able to manifest at night? Where did that come from? Sounds like a convenient plot device designed to add drama and tension in place of an actually good script. Also, Johnny Blaze was blond.
4. Spiderman 3-I can sum up this movie in three words: emo Peter Parker. However, we can also talk about how one of the most amazing origin/conflict stories of all time, Venom, was compressed and mutilated into a five minute line to introduce yet another villain into an already sub-moronic script. Sorry, but the real Venom story could be a four hour two part movie. They did it for Harry Potter and Kill Bill. Then they stuck Harry Osborne onto a flying snowboard with no Goblin mask. The only villain that didn’t make me hurl was Sandman. I thought he was kind of cool, and would have been great as the solo villain. Also, Sam Raimi, I will always love you for the Evil Dead I and II, but burn in hell for making me listen to Kirsten Dunst sing.
3. Green Lantern-if you want to get a more detailed description of my issues with this film, check out the review I did for it a couple months back. However, this is yet another example of death by bad casting. Ryan Reynolds should focus on playing sleazy low life losers and leave the super heroes to people for whom acting is more than smirking at the camera. Plus the story sucked, they more or less glossed over the whole training and Green Lantern Corps business, and the villain was about as threatening as a big rain cloud coming at you. Yes, I put this movie as stupider than Spiderman 3, if only because Spiderman had one villain who was semi cool.
2. Catwoman-did the creative control people at DC have some kind of brain aneurysm and forget that Catwoman was a secondary semi-villain and love interest to Batman, not a resurrected crime fighter? I know, I said no secondary characters, but this movie sucked so bad I can’t let it pass. Also, if any of the X-Men movies taught us anything, it’s that Hallie Barry is not suited to being a super-anything and should focus on movies where she can show her breasts, like Operation Swordfish and Monsters Ball. Also, I’d like to give this movie a lifetime achievement award for the worst fight choreography of all time. There is no way a girl who weighs about 102 pounds can run onto the prone body of a fully grown man and ride him like a surfboard across a floor no matter how waxy. The physics just don’t allow it.
1. Batman and Robin-ugh. This dog. OK, this is the movie that in my opinion most destroys a comic book character, and that character is Bane. In the comics he is a super smart criminal from South America who uses drugs to enhance his physical abilities as he fights. In the movie he is just a grunting thug henchmen for Poison Ivy. Sorry, but if you are going to have Bane a movie you can only do the Breaking the Bat story line. Also, this movie proves the fact that there is such a thing a villain over saturation in a film. The greatest thing about Batman is not so much Batman the crime fighter as it is the amazing Rogues Gallery he has to fight against. Bane, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze; any of these have fascinating stories that could be fleshed out into a great film alone. However, Hollywood whore Joel Schumacher was literally meeting with toy manufacturers during production to see how many different toys he could shove into this farce, so I guess the more villains the more action figures, right? It is a sad state of affairs when I have to say the villain I liked the best was Mr. Freeze, as Arnold did an absolutely horrid job of it but was slightly less intolerable than any of the others. Also, what the hell was the deal with him needing diamonds to fuel his suit? Possible the worst and most unnecessary plot device of all time. Diamonds are an inert material, and there isn’t any stretch of science or science fiction short of cold fusion that implies they could be used for power in any way. Furthermore, assuming such technology actually existed, you can buy industrial grade and artificial diamonds by the pound that are in all ways chemically identical to jewelers diamonds. What, because Mr. Freeze creates ice we had to have him motivated by something else clear? It is literally insulting. I could go on listing issues here (Bat-nipples, implied homoeroticism (not a problem, but this was never a thing in the comic), guys skating on ice but clearly on rollerblades, etc.), but will instead wrap up by saying this movie killed the Batman franchise for eight years and won 11 Razzie awards. Nice job, Joel.
I have what may or may not be considered a date tomorrow night, and the girl wants to see a movie, so with luck I will have something new to review soon. Without luck I will have to sit through One Day again and probably kill myself on the way home by sucking on my car tailpipe. More movies coming out this weekend, including Warrior, Contagion, and Bucky Larson, so I should have some good stuff coming up. By the way, if any of you have a clue how to get invited to see movies early as a reviewer post something here or send me a message @Nerdkungfu (you can follow me too if you like).
Movie Review: Capt. America: The First Avenger
OK, I admit that I have been really looking forward to this movie, and that’s usually a precursor for me being bitterly disappointed when the suck seeps in. However, Marvel managed to keep the suck at bay, and delivered a fun and entertaining origin movie (Capt America shield logo courtesy of the Marvel Comic t-shirt category).
That’s not to say that it doesn’t have its problems, which we will explore in excruciating detail shortly. It just overall makes for a good flick.
Why do I like Captain America? He was never one of the main hitters in the Marvel Pantheon (although I loved him in Marvel Zombies). Nevertheless, I felt a real sadness when he died at the end of Civil War (bite me, Tony Stark) and am always glad to see him in a comic. I think there are two main reasons. The first is he is only a marginally improved human. I love heroes who can be taken out by any lucky punk with a gun. It makes their bravery and dedication that much more impressive and worthy of my admiration. This is why Batman rules and Superman sucks. The second reason is he represents all that is good and noble in the excellent men and women who serve in the military to defend us. Sure, it’s easy to stand for truth, justice, and the American way when you are invulnerable to all but a very rare element (see my post on the Science and Stupidity of Kryptonite for more on this), but to stand firm against oppression and evil is a real task when all you have is a shield and a heavy punch (or, more accurately, some body armor and an M16).
Something else that really appealed to me about this movie is they set the whole thing in WWII and didn’t make the lame attempt to modernize it. There is something really satisfying about a clear cut villain who is known by all to be demonstrably evil like Nazis. Even in something like Tranformers it seemed that the Decepticons were not totally lacking in sympathy. Sure, they wanted to enslave the human race, but they wanted to do it in order to rebuild their home world. Who’s to day given the same choice we might not do the same (Avatar?). Anyway, I like Nazis as villains.
The story. I won’t go into too many details as I expect you all to see it. Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is a skinny kid who keeps getting rejected by the US Army during WWII. He catches the eye of a government scientist (Stanley Tucci) who is impressed by his dedication and understanding of what it means to be bullied (cough cough topical reference cough cough). He recruits Steve into a top secret project that apparently starts off by putting guys through Basic Training. The Colonel in charge (Tommy Lee Jones, who did a great job) wants to boot him but the scientist is sold on him. They stick Steve into a giant martini mixer and inject him with super steroids or something. He comes out looking like Adonis and capable of kicking some serious ass.
Meanwhile, a Nazi officer (played brilliantly by the amazing Hugo Weaving, although what role has he not been brilliant in?) has found an ancient artifact (cough cough Indiana Jones cough cough) that he can use to power up all his super secret weapons with blue power (cough cough V cough cough. Ok I’ll stop) that makes them almost as good as a regular rifle, but have the benefit of making the bodies disappear completely as a blatant tool to get rid of any inconvenient rated R mangled corpses and screaming wounded Americans. His organization is called Hydra and he is indeed the infamous Red Skull (also looking very cool).
Anyway, there is some crap getting in the way of the actual story but eventually Capt. America and the Red Skull cross paths. WWII meets super science hijinks ensues. There’s a hot girl in there for no real reason (Hagley Atwell). There are some actually funny moments that are accomplished without an annoying comic relief character (suck it, Michael Bey). Once they get past all the war bonds selling stuff none of the story gets in the way of the story, if you know what I mean. Stuff blows up. Guys on both sides get killed. The director managed to steer clear of the obvious cheesy ending trap.
First, as always, the stars. Comic book movie. Two stars. Really decent story. Two stars. Hugo Weaving. One star. Tommy Lee Jones. One star. Not invulnerable hero. One star. Geeky kid turns into hero. One star. Nazis as enemies. One star. The Red Skull looks uber cool and uber creepy. One star. Good acting all around. One star. Hagley Atwell was driving me nuts all the way through the movie. One star. Non-cheesy ending. One star. Minor love interest managed to not derail or dominate the story. One star. All the supporting characters were cool and added to the story. One star. They kept more or less true to the story (remember Dum Dum Dugan?). One star. The final Capt. America costume was cool, especially the shield. One star. Total: 17 stars.
Now the black holes. I am going to have to give these guys a black hole for making what is essentially a two hour trailer for The Avengers. One black hole. The ever present Marvel spoiler, for which I had to sit through any number of credits (what exactly does a Best Boy do? Sounds like the son of Best Buy. Either that of some kind of sexual predator tag), was in fact an actual trailer for the Avengers. Thanks a lot, guys. One black hole. While Hugo Weaving was great as the Red Skull, he really played up every corny evil super genius cliche in the book. Execute henchmen who fail, faceless minions who look imposing as hell in their S&M helmets but can’t shoot straight, grandiose plan to conquer the planet by blowing stuff up (face it, Red Skull. In order to really conquer a territory you need boots on the ground, not some super weapon), capture the plucky hero but don’t just put a bullet in him so you can explain your whole diabolical plan, etc. Also, I think the movie would have benefited from more Red Skull screen time. One black hole. The whole villains-can-never-hit-a-hero-who-is-charging-directly-at-their-guns card got played so much I started to wonder if there were any other cards in the deck. One black hole. A lot of the action, especially towards the end, got kind of hokey. One black hole. There was a rescue mission early on that seemed to drag on for ever, as did the whole Capt. America as a vaudeville show to sell war bonds sequence. One black hole. A few story holes, including one big one towards the end. One black hole. As cool as the story was, pretty much all the characters seemed pretty two dimensional. I think the movie could have done with a hair more character development (125 minutes. They could have added 1o more without hurting the plot). One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
In the irksome-but-not-black-hole-worthy category, I have a couple. First of all, the Hydra salute was painfully stupid. I understand the need to have a distinct salute that is derived from but not quite the same as the Nazi salute, but come on. There is a reason most countries us a reasonably similar salute. Also, while I am a fan of and support every reasonable attempt to include racial diversity in a movie cast, the fact is there were no African Americans who had a combat role during WWII (ironic, really, as 160,000 of them fought for the North in the Civil War). I am just kind of a stickler for historical accuracy. Additionally, why would you put all your best new technology, your prisoner, and yourself in a room with huge glass windows that can be easily zip lined to (or, for that matter, just put a sniper bullet through?)? All the Nazis spoke perfect English, even the rank and file troops when they yelled “Hail Hydra”. And finally, while I appreciated the eye candy that Hayley Atwell brought to the screen, in pretty much every scene with her in it I found myself asking “What function does her character actually serve?” The romance was never developed enough to make it significant, and the purpose of most of the rest of her character kind of felt crow barred in.
However, a great film going experience all around. Go see it in a theater to get max benefit and to support the kinds of movies we nerds like. Not a real date flick, as I believe most girls will not really appreciate the comic book story and the female character is too underdeveloped to draw her in. See it with your nerd friends.
Movie Review: X-Men First Class
There are only two words that accurately describe this film: freaking awesome. It has been a long time since I felt the desire to see a film a second time in the theater, but this one definitely qualifies. (Xavier Institute image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirts)
I will admit I approached this flick with a certain amount or trepidation. I feel like I have been abused by the trend towards prequels over the last few years. I know they make good Hollywood sense (reboot the franchise, hire younger, cheaper actors, get all the fan boys back in the theater, etc.) but it seems like they are all an excuse for directors to give a big F-you to the fans while spraying their musk all over the francise like a dog marking it’s territory. It started with the whole Star Wars Episodes I-III and has declined from there. Most recently we have had the joy of the latest Star Trek (sorry, but if you loved that movie because of the acting, casting, and special effects than you are a class one idiot and not a true fan. The story was amateurish at best and aneurysm inducing at worst, ruining 40 years of true Star Trek history in the process. J.J. Abrams, bite me) and then with Wolverine: Origins, a movie whose script resembled (and probably started off as) used toilet paper.
But, like a battered housewife returning to her abusive, alcoholic husband, I come back to yet another prequel, hoping against hope that it won’t kick me in the balls for the temerity of wanting to like it, because really, I do want to like this film. Miracle of miracles, it is indeed likable.
I don’t want to get into the story in too much detail, as if you are reading this than you will most likely see it soon. It starts with a recreation of the heartbreaking opening scene of Erik Lehnsherr (Magneto) being separated from his parents at Auschwitz in the first movie. It follows his and Charles Xavier’s development as young adults in 1962. They crowbar in Mystique as Professor X’s adopted sister somehow. Anyway, Magneto is gung ho to kill the doctor who experimented on him in the concentration camp while Xavier is running around being a good guy. They team up and recruit a bunch of other mutants. Mutant hijinks ensue. There is a great training montage and generally cool stuff happens. Overall the story flows well, is exciting, and not written for the idiots who loved the last Star Trek movie.
As always stars first. Comic book movie. One star. Great story that didn’t completely destroy any of the known comic book “history”. Two stars. All the actors (and I mean every single one of them) was brilliantly cast and acted extremely well. They all stayed true to the character. Three stars. Decent CGI and special effects, but not forced in like certain moronic directors who’s names rhyme with mucus. One star. They had a brief cameo by Hugh Jackman as Logan but didn’t feel the need to force him or any of the more modern X-men into the story. One star. Kevin Bacon as the super villain. One star. Honest to god character development for Magneto, Mystique, and Professor X. Two stars. Moira McTaggart is in it and is played by the super hot Rose Byrne, whom I gave a nod to recently for her role as Helen in Bridesmaids. She looked hotter here. One star. Rose Byrne manages to find a legitimate excuse to run around in her underwear for ten minutes. One star. The plot had no holes that I could perceive, and none of the decisions or motivations aggravated or puzzled me. One star. With a few exceptions they didn’t try to modernize the story to make it more palatable for our soft American brains. One star. The subplot around Beast was really cool. One star. They didn’t shove a cheesy romance story down our throat in a pathetic attempt to make women like this movie more (there was a little undertone between Mystique and Magneto, but that was more foreshadowing of what was to come). One star. One more bonus star for general awesomeness. Total: a whopping 18 stars.
Now the black holes. (Yes, even this gets a few. If I gave a movie all stars and no black holes that would diminish what little credibility I have, or something). They tweaked the Mystique story in order for her to have an emotional connection with Charles Xavier. One black hole. I’m sorry, but I don’t care how far advanced your personal technology might be to the rest of the world, no one in 1962 is making wheelchairs out of billet aluminum. One black hole. The managed to turn a bunch of slacker teenage mutants into the highly trained X-men in just a week of training (elapsed time). One black hole. If you are going to hide from an agency who already knows your name your ancestral estate doesn’t strike me as the best place to do it. One black hole. Total: 4 black holes.
14 stars! Truly amazing. Also, the four black holes I gave it were super duper nit picky, so feel free to disregard those and run with the original 18. Probably my favorite movie this year. If you don’t go see this you will miss out and a great experience. Biggest screen you can find.
By the way, it is of course several months in the future but I have decided towards the end of the year I will do my own personal Best Film or Worst Film of the year. Kind of like the Academy Awards, only without all the celebrities hanging out in my office (who want’s that?). I need to think of a name for my awards, like Nerdy’s or whatever. Also, amusing award titles are needed, like “Most IBS Inducing Fight Sequence”. All suggestions will be gratefully considered. Feel free to post a reply here or email me at [email protected]. Thanks
Movie review: Thor
So last night I got a suggestion from a friend of mine for a movie that could potentially really suck, Dylan Dog, about a zombie private eye or something. It was playing 20 miles away but during the drive my girlfriend (for lack of a better term) texted me saying she got free of work early and wanted to go see Thor. Since the only reason I didn’t see it opening night was because she wanted to see it with me, I grabbed the chance like a life preserver and headed off.
The movie was, of course, great. However, I think I fell victim of the trap of having everyone I know or read about gush about how awesome it was and really elevated my expectations. Then, when I showed up with my bitter and cynical critical eye I see faults. Nevertheless, great movie.
I’m not going to get into the story too much on this, as pretty much everyone who reads this most likely will see it or have already seen it. Thor, the God of Thunder (or some kind of super advanced alien. They seemed to imply both. Thor image courtesy of the Marvel Comic t shirt category) gets into trouble with his dad and gets cast down to earth, where he gets to deal with being a mortal. Absolutely no “stranger in a strange land” local color happens, much to my surprise. I’m willing to bet a lot of it ended up on the cutting room floor. Norse battle hijinx ensue. Natalie Portman shows up as some kind of ill defined scientist (is she an astronomer, meteorologist, theoretical physicist, or astrophysicist?) as the love interest. Things get blown up. Guys get beat up. Overall very cool and exciting.
By the way, I’d like to add that, in spite of his limited time on screen I thought the coolest character in the movie was Heimdall. Fan boys looking for a great costume to make for Comic Con won’t go wrong here, especially if you are African American.
First the stars. The movie was in general awesome. Two stars. Natalie Portman. One star (two if she had done another thong shot like in Your Highness). Anthony Hopkins. One star. The casting in was extremely good overall. Both Loki and Thor were really done well. One star. The CGI and special effects were godlike in their greatness, and didn’t suffer from the obvious restrictions of being stuck in a small blue screen studio (suck it, George Lucas). Two stars. The acting was all great. Two stars. Comic book movie. One star. No annoying comic relief characters. One star. Thor, as the protagonist, actually shows some character development. One star. The destroyer was freaking awesome. One star. There was a moment that honestly got an emotional reaction out of my cold, dead heart (you’ll know it when you see the movie). One star. Spoiler at the end of the credits. One star. Total: fifteen stars.
Now the black holes. I had a really hard time understanding Loki’s motivations. He seemed to drift from one thing to the next, and even at the end I was not sure what his ultimate goal really was. One black hole. Natalie Portman as the super hot scientist who can’t find a man really didn’t ring true. One black hole. Thor and Natalie seem to fall completely in love and are willing to dedicate eternity to each other after knowing each other for about 12 hours. One black hole. The pacing of the film seemed really rushed. They had everything happen in like one day when it seemed like it should have gone a couple months (and would have eliminated that whole super fast romance issue too). One black hole. The spoiler at the end of the film after the credits made no sense whatsoever, nor did it imply any other movies except perhaps Thor II. One black hole. They took a pretty liberal hand with modifying the Thor back story from the comic book, and tried to imply that all his godlike powers were the result of some kind of super science rather than actual divinity. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
Thus we come to a total of nine stars, an awesome score. I highly recommend you all see this, in IMAX if possible. This movie will work for comic book fans (assuming they don’t get all uptight about the back story) and laymen alike. Great visuals, great story, all around a fun time. The only thing I can say is, while I enjoyed the hell out of it, I am not really gung ho to see it a second time, which is what I would normally do for a movie of this ilk. I think I need to ponder my motivation for that.
I will try to see Dylan Dog this week with the question “How bad could it be” foremost in my mind. I think tomorrow I am going to talk about my new favorite movie reviewer (aside from me, of course). Check it out.
Nerd Rant: the 10 greatest superheroes WITHOUT any super powers
So at movie night a couple weeks ago my friend showed Kick Ass. This movie is a favorite of mine. I didn’t bother to review it as it has been seen by pretty much everyone I know and most likely everyone reading this blog, but it got me started thinking about superheroes who have no natural super powers.
In my humble opinion, these are the true heroes. It’s easy to stop crime when you are bulletproof, super strong, can fly, have x-ray vision, and can melt stuff with your eyes. The real heroes (are all in Afghanistan right now, in my opinion) are guys who could be killed by any random thugs bullet and have to ride a skateboard to the crime scene yet still manage to get some stuff done. Here is my personal list. (By the way, I am going to not list guys who gained super powers from super technology like Green Lantern or Iron Man)
10. Sgt. Rock. This guy was a man’s man, and showed Hitler’s boys what for. Seriously, I think there is a serious lack of military heroes listed in the lexicon of comic heroes. He is a crack shot, dangerous as hell in close combat, and has been shot so many times his dress uniform must look like a grape from all the Purple Hearts on it.
9. Shaggy from Scooby Doo. I never liked Scooby Doo, to be honest. It seemed like all the villains went to an amazing amount of trouble to accomplish over several month what ten minutes and a handful of bullets would do. Also, why was it they always found diamond smugglers in dead astronaut costumes instead of cocaine smugglers in body armor? However, of all the characters on that show I liked Shaggy the best, if only because he was truly a coward but, like a true hero, was able to rise above his terror and do what was necessary. He was the only human character with a true sense of his own mortality. He was also the only one who had the brains to suggest the radical plan of “Let’s get the hell out of here before we all end up hanging on a meat hook.”
8. Nick Fury, head of S.H.I.E.L.D. This man goes to show how far a man with one eye and a smoking habit can go, as long as he has super advanced training, equipment, and a team agents ready to obey every order. Still, very cool character (S.H.I.E.L.D. image courtesy of the Marvel comics t-shirts).
7. Green Arrow. Not only does this guy have no super powers, his technology was antiquated about the time of the invention of gunpowder. Also, it takes super courage to go out in public wearing that Robin Hood feathered cap and Ren Faire beard.
6. Oracle. Barbara Gordan, rendered a paraplegic by the Joker, turned out to be a super information broker and investigator, as well as a computer hacker and date mining expert. It has been said that the pen is mightier than the sword, and in the modern age information is the most dangerous weapon out there, so I think we will see more heroes of her stripe.
5. Big Daddy, Hit Girl, and Kick Ass. I am going to lump these three into one listing as they all come from the same comic and movie. Big Daddy is a fav of mine in particular, especially in his willingness to use any weapon available to accomplish his goes.
4. Brock Sampson. Brock Sampson is so the man. No superpowers, no guns. Just a knife, a pack of smokes, a serious bloodlust, and a ’69 Charger. Also he is a chick magnet (guys who are following my blog for dating advice look at how he interacts with women. Notice how he says hardly anything and kind of ignores them? Take notes, boys).
3. The Punisher. Duh. Frank Castle is the epitome of what a bad attitude combined some military training and seed money can do. Ex-marine, by the way, and there were some great comics of his experiences in Vietnam. Truly great.
2. The Chainsaw Vigilante. This guy is awesome. His stated goal is to convince other heroes wihn no powers to give up the life and return to their jobs and so on. He runs into the Tick, who is nigh invulnerable to his chainsaw justice. I don’t know why I included him, except that he has an amazing costume and name. I wish I could be known as the Chainsaw Vigilante. Of course, for those of you who take offense at me using a minor villain in this list, substitute the Tick’s sidekick Arthur here.
1. Batman. If I were to put anyone else at the top of this list, I would have to turn in my nerd card and then beat myself about the head and shoulders with a garden hose. Seriously, in my opinion not only is Batman the greatest superhero with no powers, he is just the greatest superhero of all time. Mr. “I’m-invulnerable-and-grew-up-in-pastoral-Smallville” Superman can suck it.
That’s it. I think I have another rant in me for tomorrow having to do with my tragic childhood, but the post after that should be more dating advice. As for the who-would-win question from yesterday, I hate to say it but I would have to vote for the Iron Giant. He is bigger than Optimus Prime, is basically a walking cannon, and can self repair. Sorry Optimus.
Todays question is also robotic in nature, if not scale. Who would win: Tweekie (with Dr. Theopolis) versus R2D2.
