The Top 10 and Worst 5 Kurt Russell Movies
I was supposed to see something tonight, but everything seemed to suck and I wasn’t in the mood. Instead I am going to publish something I have been working on, my list of the best and worst Kurt Russell movies.
I got this idea while working on my the Thing review, and have been thinking about it. Kurt Russell has had quite the film career, and seems to waver between loser and super tough action guy. Personally I’m drawn to the action guy, but they are all good (or bad). Here we go with the best:
10. Stargate-not many people besides me remember that Kurt Russell was the original Col. Jack O’Niel. While this movie was kind of crap, it earns it’s slot on my list (albeit at the bottom) for spawning one of the greatest sci fi TV shows ever.
9. Dark Blue-Kurt plays a sort of corrupt but really dedicated cop who pushes things a little too far but then starts to question himself. I liked this one as it was a real arc for Kurt’s character, and did not have a pat happy ending. Also, Ving Rhames always makes me happy when I see him in a movie, and honestly he is a guy who has worked hard to not get typecast.
8. Escape from LA-OK, yes this was just a remake of Escape from NY, but any movie featuring a one eyed Snake Plisskin gets props in my book. Also, I was living in LA when this came out, and it was fun to see the parts of town I was hanging out in as a post-apocalyptic wasteland. This movie, as cheesy as it was, it did feature one of the best gun fights of all time, which ended with Snake uttering the word “Draw”.
7. Backdraft-odds are this movie should be ranked higher, as it was really well done and I like firefighters. Just not enough sci fi for me. However, in addition to being a great story, the pyro special effects were amazing, back in the day of no CGI. Ron Howard is an amazing director.
6. Soldier-I love this movie. I own it on DVD and watch it about once a year. I can’t even tell you why. It’s kind of dopey and super camp. I think I just like the idea of super soldiers trained from birth. Also, for a guy who is supposed to show no emotion Kurt manages to give you some pretty cool feelings from his performance.
5. Grindhouse-Death Proof-yes, while there are any number of issues you can have with Grindhouse, everyone will admit the best part (or least bad part) is Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike. I guess he just inhabits that role very well.
4. Tombstone-Another Kurt Russell I am good to watch about once a year. While it is weird to see Kurt, who normally plays an outlaw, play lawman Wyatt Earp, he really plays the part well. Of course, it was Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday who made the movie pop. The strange thing is I don’t think I ever really considered him as a serious actor until that role. Plus, this movie gets the award for the best Kurt Russell mustache of all time.
3. The Thing-weird shapechanging alien escapes the dreaded Norwegians and tears ass through an American antarctic research base. Kurt plays a helicopter pilot with the unlikely name of R.J. MacReady and kicks ass. I will take a serious look at any John Carpenter movie, and this one is a great example of why. Also, I love the creepy, ambiguous ending.
2. Escape from NY-the movie that introduced us to Snake Plisskin and the mission to rescue the President from the slums of Manhattan. Snake is such a good character and such an all around bad ass that you can’t help but love this movie. Also, it inspired a pizza place in San Francisco called Escape from New York Pizza, which does a decent NY style pizza. If you find yourself on Haight stop by and get a slice. If nothing else, the attitude of the kids behind the counter is hilarious.
1. Big Trouble in Little China-sigh. Words cannot accurately describe how much and in what ways I love this film. Action with an awesome sense of humor, this is another phenomenal John Carpenter movie. Kurt plays Jack Burton, an over the top truck driver who gets embroiled in a supernatural war between Chinese spiritual factions in Little China of San Francisco. Not only does he manage to pull the witty everyman off to a t, but he does it without resorting to being some kind of super powered action guy. Mostly he gets lucky, and is hilarious while doing it. If you haven’t seen it jump on board the cool boat with your Captain Dave. (Pork Chop Express image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). I would also like to add that this movie has some of my all time favorite quotes. Here are a few that stick with me in particular:
Jack Burton: “That is not water.”
Egg Shen: “It’s black blood of the earth.”
Jack: “Do you mean oil?”
Egg: “I mean black blood of the earth.”
Another one.
Lo Pan: “Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this earth to get it!”
Of course, the funny thing about the career of Kurt Russell is he seems destined to do some god awful movies too. You can’t even say there is a progression, as in he did crappy movies when he was just starting out but now does only great ones. Six months after doing something awesome he comes out with a movie that makes you wish humans had never developed the sense of sight. Here, in my opinion, are the five worst movies he has ever done.
5. Posiedon– as a general rule I would say never get involved with anyone named Wolfgang, as in Wolfgang Peterson, the director of this 2006 bomb. For some reason they always sound creepy. It got a well deserved Golden Raspberry for Worst Remake. At the time it had really great CGI, and made a good amount of money, so I guess it’s not fair to call it a bomb. Culturally awful, however. Bad Titanic.
4. Tequila Sunrise-If you like complicated, labyrinthine plots that leave you wondering what the hell is going on then maybe this isn’t the 4th worst film Kurt has done. On the other hand, if you like your stories to make some semblance of sense then you should be with me on this. I think the best way to describe this plot is to take a love triangle and add about 14 more sides. Don’t try to follow the plot too closely or you will strain your brain.
3. Captain Ron-to give Kurt his due, I place more blame for the suckage of this family comedy in the lap of Martin Short. Of course, I have never found him charming or funny. Remember that anti-drunk driving commercial from the 70’s that was a kid playing with a toy car and the catch phrase was “a car is not a toy”? That’s how I see this movie. Kurt plays a great comedic action hero, but really should stay away from the actual comedies. It’s rare that you watch a movie and spend most of it hoping the boat sinks and all the characters die, but that is pretty much what I was hoping for.
2. 3000 Miles to Graceland-this movie, in addition to truly sucking, was a bitter disappointment for me. I am an Elvis fan, and when I heard it was about Elvis impersonators robbing a casino I thought it would be great. It also featured Courtney Cox, whom I have always had the hots for. However, the screenplay, acting, dialog, and action all really sucked. The movie really started to Hoover when 2/3rds of the way to freedom Ice T shows up as another action character for some of the dumbest sequences in cinema history. What he is doing in a movie about Elvis impersonators I don’t know, but he was so out of place what little credibility the movie still had at that point fell apart like a sand castle in front of a tsunami. I would also like to point out that this movie was one of the extremely rare times I got sick of violence. To say I have a high tolerance for violence in film or video games is a bit of an understatement, but this movie managed to fill my tank and spill all over the ground. I don’t know if it was the continuous violence that did it, or just the ridiculous nature of the violence, but after watching it I wanted to go home and watch Smurfs or something.
1. Tango and Cash–ironically, I had blocked this movie from my memory and it wasn’t even on my list when I started composing it, but while checking Kurt’s filmography came across it and the awfulness rushed back into my frontal cortex like a repressed memory of childhood molestation. Sly Stallone and Kurt play cops Tango and Cash, who are trying to nail crime lord Jack Palance in a terribly convoluted plot that looked, acted, and smelled like a garden maze made of excrement. The final action sequence with the off road vehicles didn’t so much as require me to suspend my disbelief as murder it and dump it in a quarry. There was also a really dumb prison break sequence, which is ironic given that the movie Sylvester had done before this one was Lock Up, a halfway decent prison break movie. It also featured Kurt Russell in drag in a scene that will make you want to drink a Drano martini. During the course of the film Kurt and Sylvester seemed to have entered a contest to see who could chew the most scenery, and by the end of the film the audience lost.
That’s my list. Thanks for reading, and be sure to follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. I think I am going to see the new Johnny English film later tonight, which I expect to kind of suck. Should be fun to review. Anyway, talk to you later.
Dave
Nerd Dating: Dirty Dating Tricks Part 2-the Dinner X2
Also known as the Double Dinner (Double Deuce image courtesy of the movie t shirt category), this trick is one that really only guys can do and so most women find it pretty offensive. Therefore, never admit to having done it or even knowing how to do it. Of course, this bodes ill of my dating life if any of the women I go out with read this blog, but honestly, how much more damage can I really do at this point? I can only hope that the women I date find out about this blog on or around our fifth wedding anniversary.
Basically, this is one you should pull out under a certain set of circumstances. They are if you are not really sure how much you like the girl, and/or you are more or less broke but still want to impress her by taking her to a nice place for dinner. This is actually best used for blind dates or first time meeting of an internet date.
The trick is, on your way to meeting her or picking her up, you stop off at Burger King and eat a burger. Then, you take her to a nice place but before you order you tell her “I’m not really that hungry. I think I will just have a salad.” The vast majority of women (at least, the vast majority of women you should want to date) will never order more food than they guy they are with, and she will most likely follow suite. Furthermore, you will gain points with her for your ability to restrain your eating habits, something most women respect.
Thus, your $50-60 dinner turns into $22, for the dater on a budget. This plan doesn’t work so well in most ethnic restaurants like sushi and so on, so make sure you are going to a place where a salad is an acceptable choice.
Having taught you that one, let me say I really don’t use this much at all. There is a lot of value in breaking bread with your date. I think the last time I did this was an internet date, and god punished me by giving me food poisoning from the Caesars salad I age (bad shrimp, I think). However, the money I saved was of great comfort as I puked my guts out the next day.
A Guide to Nerd Guys Meeting and Dating Women: Making the call Part 2
This post will be short and sweet. Before we get into the actual mechanics of making the call I need to give you another one of my simple dating rules: the two message rule.
Like the two minute rule, the two message rule sets a contact guideline. Here is how it works: if, after you have made two attempts to contact a women, be it voicemail, email, smoke signals, or whatever, and you don’t get a call or email back, it is time to lose the number.
Unlike the two minute rule, there is no room for interpretation or judgment on this one. Two messages. That’s it. Honestly, if you don’t get a call after the first one it really is time to give up hope, but there is always the chance that the first message got lost, spam filtered, or accidentally deleted. However, if you give two missives and don’t get a response, that is her sending you a message and that message is move on.
Don’t be that guy who calls over and over again. In addition to never working anyway, you will sound pathetic and end up bruising your ego in a bad way. Your ego needs to be tough, like Chuck Norris here. 
(image from the movie t shirt category)
A Guide to Nerd Guys Meeting and Dating Women: How to start talking to them Part 3
OK. Your dressed right, bathed in the last 24 hours, and understand how to not mess up the personal space and body language. You see an attractive young woman and need to talk to her. What do you do?
This is the famous question of what is the best opening line. Honestly, opening lines suck and feel fake. The fact of the matter is there is no such thing as a good or bad opening line. If the girl thinks you are attractive you could say something completely dumb and worthless and she will be enthralled. If she does not then you could make a statement that would cure global warming and she will blow you off. The only time the opening statement is important is in that very broad “maybe” zone that most guys end up in.
I have found the best way to open a conversation is observational humor or comments. If you are at an event and see a couple women with big hair you could say something like “I hadn’t realized the 80’s were back”. If you are at a coffee house and observer her reading a book you could ask here what she is reading (or, better yet, notice what book she is reading and make an intelligent comment about it. If you have the time it might be worth looking the book up on your iPhone, read a review, and then tell her you were just reading a review of the book and wanted to get a first hand opinion on it). If it’s cold or hot make a comment about that. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter what it is (unless you say something really dumb or inappropriate). The reason it doesn’t matter is because it shows confidence.
Captain Kirk didn’t score with hot alien women from one end of the universe to the other just because he had power (although power doesn’t hurt. Try to get some. T shirt, by the way, from the Movie t shirt section) but mainly because he is insanely confident. Girls don’t want to date a wimp, and the first test is if you are confident enough to strike up a conversation. Look her in the eye and speak as clearly as you can.
My best “line”, for lack of a better term, is usually something on the order of “How are you doing?” However, if I am in a park near a hot girl and the Blue Angels pass overhead in formation I will jump on that opportunity and say something like “Think they are on their way to finally bomb the Tenderloin?” (local humor). The best part about that is not only have I opened a conversation, but if she laughs I know she has a good sense of humor too.
That’s it for now. Next post: open ended questions.
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I am the top nerd!
So I went to this very tiny Warhammer tournament this weekend and took best overall, going 5-0. While it is pretty pathetic to win something that small, it does make me feel like Conan in this movie t shirt answering “What is best in life” with “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.” Of course, as usual there were very few women there (one playing 40K), but you get the idea.
Winning best overall gets me an army box set, a plaque, and an invitation to the national championships in Las Vegas. I am torn as to whether I want to go or not. I always say no right after a full day of Warhammer but then a couple months later get gung ho again.
So I got home, just had dinner, and now get to start diving into all the work I blew off in order to do the tournament. Lots of new shirts to write up, including the new baby onsy’s. Should be fun.
Sooo many shirts
So I am trying to get all the shirts unpacked from WonderCon and it is quite the task. Almost overwhelming, really. The cool part is it is a nice chance to look at and mentally review all the shirts and licenses.
It is also a chance to think about what I would like to bring in at my earliest opportunity. Due to the nature of the licensed t-shirt industry I can’t just have anything I want made up. All the shirts on our site are licensed so I have to find someone who actually paid royalties to the studios who made them. Here is a partial list of shirts (mostly movie t shirts) I would like to find:
Mad Max (MFP), Road Warrior, Deathrace 2000, Harry Potter, Stripes, Caddyshack, The Maxx, Spawn, Hellboy, Kick Ass, Cowboy Bebop, Astro Boy, Mars Attacks!, Gorillaz, Drinky Crow/Tony Millionaire’s Maakies, Space Ghost, The Walking Dead, Venture Bros, Babylon Five, and Brazil.
Here are the shirts I probably should bring in based on their popularity by my basic humanity will not allow:
Twilight
That’s pretty much it.
‘The Big Lebowski’ Improves with Age
Some movies are so imminently quotable and frequently hilarious that they command a viewer’s attention the whole way through. The first time I saw “The Big Lebowski” in theaters back in 1998, I was somewhat confused by the on-screen spectacle. At the time, there’s no way I would have placed it among the top comedy movies of all time. In truth, I didn’t know what to expect from this movie. It certainly wasn’t anything like the Coen Brothers’ previous offering, the relatively straightforward “Fargo.”
As it turned out, repeat viewings allowed me to appreciate the movie for the comedic masterpiece it is. Jeff Bridges turns in perhaps his signature role as Jeffrey Lebowski (I don’t care if he did just win an Oscar), a down-on-his-luck acid casualty from the ’60s. The adventures of “The Dude” and his best buddy Walter Sobchak function as a witty subversion of hardboiled crime thrillers and shaggy dog narratives. The Big Lebowski used to be the quintessential cult comedy, but with people sporting Big Lebowski shirts like this one from our movie t shirt collection and annual gatherings to celebrate the film, it has certainly risen above cult status.
V returns?
Not V for Vendetta (which is an insanely cool movie and one that I keep hoping to find t shirts for) but V, the tv invasion serious. I guess ABC saw what happened with Battlestar Galactica and opted to cash in.
The thing is, I don’t recall the original V as being all that engaging or interesting, and I also don’t recall ABC as having a staff of writers who know anything about science fiction. It also seems they suffer from the same moronic executive pool that Fox draws from, as some executive (head of the company or something. It think it was Stephen McPherson) opted to bury Masters of Science Fiction and cut it short. This serious could have been great.
Who knows. Maybe ABC will impress me somehow. I have my doubts. I also have issues with aliens who look like humans. All aliens should look like Alien (as seen on this shirt from the movie t shirt section) or something equally weird. If HR Giger is not involved in the design I doubt it could look good.
Anyway, I will probably watch it, but won’t go out of my way for it. Not hearing a ton on it. That being said, I think I will watch V for Vendetta tonight on DvD.
