Movie Review: Paul
So last night I was going to see Limitless but screwed up on the times and had to see Paul. I have been looking forward to Paul for a long time, but don’t think it will make a good review as I expected it to be amazingly cool (which it was). I will try to see Limitless later this week. Also I just found out that Regal Jack London Square has extended $5 movie night to all day Sunday, so I am pretty sure I will see Sucker Punch this weekend and review it too. I can’t wait.
For those of you living in a cave and not at all familiar with nerd culture, Paul is the latest movie by British comedy greats and nerds Simon Peg and Nick Frost. If you have not seen Shawn of the Dead or Hot Fuzz stop reading RIGHT NOW and go rent them immediately. Then come back. You will be a better human being for having done so. (Winchester Tavern Shawn of the Dead image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
By the way, if you are a Simon Peg/Nick Frost fan be sure to check out Spaced, a BBC show about two flatmates (that’s British for roommates) that I happen to think is really funny. It’s a lot of fun.
Anyway, Paul is about two nerds from England who come to America to go to Comic Con and then tour famous UFO landing sites. In the middle of nowhere they pick up an alien named Paul and have to help him get away from the Secret Service. I’m not going to go into the plot too much more than that, since I don’t think I really need to. The best stories are the simplest. Along the way they pick up a girl, are chased by some Secret Service guys, and enjoy some Americana as seen through English eyes. Stuff blows up, alien hyjinx ensue, and at the end you get a cameo appearance by someone who will put a big smile on your face.
I really shouldn’t even bother with my usual rating system, as I will be struggling to find black holes. I will start off with the stars and see what pops up. First of all, the movie is freaking awesome in general. Two stars. All the characters are great, especially Paul. Two stars. The story is really cool. One star. The dialogue is well done. One star. Every actor delivers a decent or better performance. One star. It’s about nerds. Two stars. There are literally several hundred inside nerd jokes and references to other movies (like the hillbilly band in a hick bar playing a country western version of the Star Wars Cantina jingle). Two stars. The CGI for Paul was truly amazing. You really feel like there is an alien there. One star. In spite of the marketing seemingly directed at kids the movie is actually meant for adult nerds. One star. Simon Peg and Nick Frost. One star. It features the guys at Comic Con and remains very true to what I know to be the convention atmosphere (although it seemed a little uncrowded, if you know what I mean). One star. Total: 16 stars.
Now for the black holes. Umm. Hmmmm. Not a lot. I suppose I could give one for the occasional habit of devolving into Scooby Doo-like antics when it came to hiding Paul from the authorities. In a lesser film that sort of Three Stooges slapstick can wear thin pretty quick. One black hole. That’s pretty much it.
So grand total of 15 stars, my best score to date. Awesome movie. Not only do I recommend you see it, but in fact I beg you to see it in order to boost the movies revenue and therefore encourage Hollywood to give more money to Simon and Nick more money to keep making them. We need to support guys who make movies that don’t suck.
That’s it. Kind of short for one of my movie reviews, but the long ones are where I can bitch and find ton’s of black holes. Great movie, and in my opinion a very decent date movie. If you don’t see it you suck.
As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Lex Luthor versus Joker, I am going to have to go with Joker. Sure, Luthor is a genius and has the resources of Lexcorp, but the unpredictable nature of the Joker will mean he will come figure some way of getting to Lex that was completely unseen.
For today, I would say let’s keep going in this thread going but take it up in scale. Who would win: Lexcorp versus Umbrella Corporation?
Dundracon, Vegas, and Valentines Day
I’m going to rush this out as I have a ton of things to do today. I wanted to give everyone an update as to what is going on lately.
First of all, I will not be writing anything tomorrow as I will be having a miserable time in Las Vegas at the t-shirt trade show. Actually, it is a very tiny corner of a much larger clothing show. I am going to look at new t-shirts, try to wrangle some better discounts out of my vendors, and to give the guy who I am in a lawsuit with the creeps (anyone who subscribes to my commercial web site newsletter has heard that story). I used to spend more than two weeks a year in Vegas, and believe me when I say if you don’t drink a lot, gamble, or engage the services of sexual professionals it really is painfully boring. I try to keep my time there to a minimum. Consequently I will be leaving here about 5am and getting home about 11. Hence no time for blogs. (Hangover Vegas shirt courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
Actually, I wish I had the kind of luck it takes to win a gambling, but I traditionally lose money at a fairly steady rate. My curse is I am good enough at math to know that I will probably not win anything but not good enough at math to be really good at gambling. It just always struck me as kind of dumb to play games in a multi-million dollar building built entirely from the profits on gambling.
This weekend we have our first show of the year, the illustrious Dundracon in lovely San Ramon, CA. It is a gaming convention, with all the nerdish whimsy and wonder associated with that. I will have a booth set up on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday so if you are a gamer and in the Bay Area come down and say hi. If the new (super cute) girl I hired is working out well enough on Saturday (alas, Winter has moved to the bowels of Arizona) I will probably play in the Warhammer tournament on Sunday. Also, if you are kind of a peripheral nerd and haven’t really committed to the nerd lifestyle, this is a great opportunity to see what the REAL nerds are like. Just because you have a bad haircut and work as a programmer does not qualify you as a nerd (you could easily be a hipster). This convention is like drinking bottled spring water all your life and then one day traveling to the actual mountain spring for a sip of the purest water you’ve ever had in your life. If you consider your study of nerds more of a cultural anthropological experience than a convention like this is where Jane Goodall would have set up her observation post.
Finally, today is Valentine’s Day, and as a nerd who gives other nerds advice on dating it seems appropriate that I say a few words. Normally I would rant and rave about a fake holiday created by Hallmark as an opportunity to schlock greeting cards that has the added effect of making all single people feel like the lowest forms of loser life on the planet, but the bile just isn’t in me today as I actually have a wonderful girl to have dinner with tonight. Like any sellout turncoat I have jumped into V-Day with both feet and waiting on my kitchen counter right now are a dozen long stem red roses (I hope she doesn’t read this blog before I pick her up).
However, I should offer some advice to those of you who don’t have someone to go out with. Hmm. First of all, you missed your opportunity. Women were looking for guys to date for Valentine’s day about a month ago. No one wants this day to be like the third date. Also, single women will as a rule shut themselves in and bar the door to avoid the painful sight of happy couples on what is effectively the Superbowl for women. Therefore, if you had the concept of going out and trying to meet someone (on this day more accurately called “doing the buzzard”) then really, don’t waste your time.
The best thing you can do is find an anti-Valentine’s party (I have been to many) and hope to get really hammered. However, those things are like bitterness magnets, so odds are you will feel worse leaving than entering.
My advice to you would be to follow suite with the sane women out there and shut yourself in. Order a pizza (hopefully delivered by an even more pathetic and bitter single loser than you) and play video games until your eyes bleed. Trust me. Griefing people online is a remarkable balm for the gaping hole where your heart should be.
Then, first thing tomorrow morning, wake up with a new attitude, re-read all my dating advice blog posts, and jump back into the fray. I sincerely wish you all the best of luck.
Goodbye, Leslie Nielson and John Steakley
I need to break away from the dating stuff for today as two of my favorite guys in the world both died yesterday and I feel the need to comment on them.
The first is the great Leslie Nielson, who passed away yesterday from pneumonia (Naked Gun image courtesy of the movie t shirt category). I’m sure this isn’t news for any of you, but I want to mention how much he meant to me personally. The Naked Gun was so much fun. It came out in 1988. At the time I was probably at my lowest point in my life, having dropped out of college and gotten a horrible, horrible job working graveyard shift at a medical lab, doing dangerous, mind killing work for a company that did not give a damn about me. Ever wonder how long it takes a gallon bottle of frozen urine to thaw out? I can answer that for you.
I used to go to work at 10:30pm and do overtime until about 11am. I would stumble home and was supposed to sleep until 6 or 7. However, my best friend at the time, Eric, would come over usually about 2 or 3pm. My mom would never let him wake me up so he learned to sneak around the house and tap on my bedroom window to wake me up. He was a manager at a local Edwards movie theater and we would inevitably go see a movie for free before I went to work. We saw pretty much every movie out, and let’s just say with a few exceptions it was not a great period in cinema. We saw a lot of crap.
One day we went the theater and the only thing playing that we hadn’t seen was something called the Naked Gun. I had never seen Police Squad and had no idea what it was about. I watched the movie and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I was totally jazzed that night at hell job, and I think I watched it three more times over the next few weeks. To this day, the scene with Leslie and Richardo Montalban in the office with the pen and the exotic fish makes me laugh my ass off.
Leslie Nielson had this amazing combination of looking serious while delivering the most off the wall, insanely funny comments. He didn’t need to make weird faces or even be in particularly weird situations to make the scene funny as hell. I have been an avid fan ever since the Naked Gun and seen all his films before and since. I will miss him a lot.
The other passing was less well known. John Steakley was an author who wrote all of two novels, Armor and Vampire$. Vampire$ was about a team of mercenaries who would go around being paid to kill vampires. Good book, and was made into a mediocre movie starring James Woods. When you consider the fact that it was made by John Carpenter it actually really sucks. It was number 55 on a list of the top 70 vampire movies. Personally I think they took too much license with the script rewrite and should have stuck closer to the story, but that’s what I say about almost all movies that are derived from literature.
The other book, Armor, is considered a classic of military science fiction and that is for good reason. I don’t remember when I first read it, but when my literature well runs low I just pull it out and reread it again. It details the life of a truly messed up guy in a truly messed up war against giant ants. He runs around in a suit of power armor that is extremely cool. The story is amazing, the writing clean and very cool, and the characters engaging and interesting.
I have probably read that book twenty times, and to say it had an influence on my life is like saying the sun has an influence on the ecology of our planet. If you have never read it I highly recommend it. My love of science fiction started with Robert Heinlein’s Starship Troopers (another book ruined by a bad movie) and was firmly cemented into place with this book.
Also, it seems I have a thing for powered suits of armor. It bugs me that we have advanced so much in asinine stuff like better ways of delivering porn but don’t have a powered suit of armor that I can use with jump boots to leap over a building.
Anyway, two guys who I like to consider a part of my life are gone, and the world is a sadder place for it. I will miss them both.
Movie Review: Megamind
Ok, I know I shouldn’t interrupt the interview series with Danny Nero, but I just saw this movie and want to do this while it is fresh and the movie is still relevant. Also I have nailed down the rating system and want the chance to present it.
Like many movie reviews, I am going to award movies stars. However, unlike other movie reviewers, I am going to tell you exactly what each star is for. Each positive thing I see in the movie will get a star or two. For example, I might say “Plot was decent. One star.” Then, because I am a nerd who loves outer space and knows what happens to stars when they go bad, I am going to award black holes for negative things I see in the movie. An example might be “After the movie I felt compelled to go upstairs and murder the projectionist in an attempt to keep other film patrons from suffering as I had just done. Four black holes.”
At that point I will add up all the stars and subtract all the black holes and hopefully come up with a number between 1 and 10 in either stars or black 
holes. So a movie like Blade Runner would have like 10 stars and one black hole (for coming out with 14 different versions and making the first release the weakest of them. See the final cut if you haven’t) for a net total of 9 stars, an extremely good score. A movie like Zardoz would have like 10 black holes (plot, acting, character development, costumes, chest hair, the list goes on) and two stars (for having Sean Connery in it and for the fact that pretty much every woman in the film has a nude scene at some point) for a net of 8 black holes, a terrible score. (Blade Runner image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
Let’s try it out, shall we? Megamind is an animated superhero movie that borrows so heavily from Superman comics that if it were a lung transplant there would be no chance of tissue rejection. It details the adventures of Megamind, a super intelligent alien sent to earth by his parents while their planet got blow up by a supernova-I mean sucked into a black hole, and his arch nemesis, Metroman, a completely different super powered alien sent to earth by his parents from a different planet that was being sucked into the same black hole. The twist here is that Megamind, the protagonist, is the villain rather than the hero. I enjoyed the movie too much to give any more spoilers that that.
Stars first. Excellent plot-one star. Animation was un-freaking-believable-one star. Main character was very cool-one star. Main character was voiced by Will Ferrell, whom I am a big fan-one star. Main character was a villain-one star. Comic relief characters were not completely worthless but were rather actually pretty bad ass in and of themselves-one star. Dialogue was fun and well written-one star. Female supporting character was drawn as a younger, hotter version of Tina Fey (whom I already think is pretty hot looking) and basically had her sarcastic, dry personality with short haired brunette elfin-like looks-one star. Tons of super villain devices, robots, explosives, and weapons-one star. Total: 10 stars.
Now the black holes. The movie had not just one, but two comic relief characters (in a comedy, no less)-two black holes (one each). Story was kind of predictable-one black hole. While the writers can claim it’s a tribute to comic books all they want, it’s basically a Superman story with a twist-one black hole. Also, they couldn’t decide if they were writing the Incredibles or not-one black hole. Total, 5 black holes.
If you have a 1st grade eduction you can probably subtract the 5 black holes from the 10 stars and get this movies final score in my opinion: 5 stars. However, remember that there is a range of stars (positive) and black holes (negative) so really, it’s like a 15 out of 20. And that’s the last time I will explain that. Essentially a 5 is very good, as even a one star movie is still in the positive.
Also, note that there is no upper limit to either stars or black holes (just like in space). As an example, I give the Star Wars Holiday Special one star for each of the main movie stars that made the horrible mistake of showing up in it and another star for the cartoon first appearance of Boba Fett. Then I give it one black hole for every second of it’s existance-7200 black holes. Plus a black hole each for the appearances of Harvey Korman, Bea Arthur, and Jefferson Starship, with 10 bonus black holes for the wookie porn scene and 83 black holes for Bea Arthur singing. Net result: 7289 black holes.
(Please note-that is not my clever way of saying you should see the Star Wars Holiday Special for some kind of nerd cred. There is nothing good about that flick. Trust me. It would be better if you watched the Phantom Menace in slow motion every day for a month than watch that. If you ignore my advice on this you will have a cherished childhood memory sexually abused, murdered, and then have the corpse desecrated. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
But I digress. Megamind gets a 5 from me, which means it’s totally fun. You can bring your kids to it. You can bring a date to it. Heck, I think I’d even bring my mom to it. Well worth seeing, even though I had to watch it in 3d, which gives me a headache.
By they way, as far as that rating system goes, Copyright 2010 Dave Inman
Nerd Dating: Spotting crazy girls early pt 2
Today we continue with our list if signs that the girl you are seeing may turn out to have a bunch of bodies buried in her basement. I will just keep going. These are not presented in any kind of order. Some are more telling than others, but any one of them should at least make you look a little more carefully.
5. She has at some time in her life been involved in some kind of restraining order. Either against her or against someone else. If she has had a restraining order taken out against her there is a good chance you will eventually either have to take one out yourself and/or have all your stuff burning merrily on the front lawn. The real trap here, however, is if she has had to take one out on an ex boyfriend or husband. This might seem like a reasonable response to a situation but in most cases the restraining order went to the person who called the lawyer first, not the sanest party. There is also a very good chance that she may well have grossly overreacted to something and slammed some guy for effectively nothing. Another crazy girl trick is to get the restraining order and then hang out the guys favorite places. Steer clear.
6. She has no girl friends. The girl who tells you she “only has guy friends” is inevitably insane. Remember how I started this series by telling you that guys can’t tell if a girl is insane due to a desire to see them naked? Most women are not really subject to that bias and can readily tell if she is a kook. Also, if the girl has only guy friends that means she is not only nuts but has a bunch of losers hanging around waiting for the first chance for her boyfriend to screw up so they can try to get something. Either that or she loves driving guys nuts and guess who is next in her sights.
7. She is now, or has ever been, a stripper. This one is not subject to interpretation. All strippers have serious mental and emotional issues when they start, and those issues are exacerbated by the lifestyle. They always seem to have a horrible relationship with their fathers, and only feel good when they have 14 million guys going after them. Sex is a wonderful, intimate thing and the decision to sell it for cash on any level indicates some real problems. This rule is triple true for any girl that has done any kind of porn or something that is akin to stripping or the sex industry (“I’m not a stripper, but I wrestle girls in a giant jello bowl while wearing a thong”). Also, don’t be fooled if she says she is not a stripper but an Erotic Dancer. She’s still a stripper. (Showgirls image courtesy of the movie t-shirt category)
I can actually expound upon this from personal experience. A good friend of mine moved in with his stripper girlfriend and two of her fellow sex workers. These girls did nothing but strip, come home at 3am, do drugs to help deal with the degradation they feel all night, date scumbag guys they met at the club (like my friend), and sleep until 4pm. Also, something interesting happens to strippers under the harsh reality of daylight. They really aren’t that hot when not under a ton of makeup and the very complimentary lights used in the strip club. Also, they all smoke and drink too much, which hurts their skin and ages them prematurely.
One more thing on this. If you hang out with enough strippers (and yes, I have) you will inevitably meet the girl who says “I’m just doing this to pay my way through college.” Often times you can meet ones who are going to a major university, but usually it is just a local JC. The fact is, it is extremely rare for a stripper to ever really let go of the lifestyle. An ex-stripper, even if she managed to get her degree and a “real” job, will at some point look around her cubical and the horrible thought will creep into her mind that “I used to make $800 a night and was worshiped by hundreds of losers. Why am I sitting in this cubical for $40K a year?”
Finally, the saddest thing in the world to watch is the stripper downward spiral. Some girls save and invest a lot of money, but most don’t. What happens is when they are young and hot they get hired by the best club in the city. Then, a few years later, when she has slid down the inevitable looks decline, she ends up working at progressively worse and worse clubs until she ends up working at one of those clubs down by the airport with sawdust on the floor. Either that or full on prostitution. Eventually she is likely to end up a Denny’s waitress.
I stopped going to strip clubs a few years ago, not because I don’t like hot women, but because I started to find them incredibly depressing.
Anyway, more crazy girl rules later.
Nerd Movie Review: Skyline
Ok, for all the fans of my dating advice, I have some good news. I am leading up to some great stuff, including the dreaded “When and how to make ‘the move'” post. Before that I am going to do some psycho girl detection advice that should be hilarious. Before that, I want to do this movie review, and might start posting my Danny Nero interview after the psycho girl detector stuff, but want to keep the variety going.
By the way, in my reviews I try to not spoil anything, but if you are really good at inference you might gain some insights into the story from this. Spare me any hate spam.
Let’s talk about Skyline. It should come as no surprise to anyone that I am a huge science fiction fan, and anything that smacks of alien invasion will at least gain my attention. And the fact of the matter is I really enjoyed this movie. There isn’t an original bone it it’s body, but like “mash ups” that are so popular these days in music (sometime I weep for America) the sum of it’s contributing parts actually melds into a movie that exceeds the value of it’s individual parts.
The movie is a mix of Alien, the Day After, Independence Day, Mars Attacks, Cloverfield, the Road, and Dawn of the Dead. (Alien image courtesy of the movie t shirt category) It starts off with way too much character development in the form of a Brooklyn couple coming to LA for a huge Hollywood party with their overly successful buddy. I started off hating the main character for being a kind of sleazy pretty boy with a way too hot girlfriend, and most of the other characters didn’t really appeal to me much either. Is it so much to ask for at least one token nerd in a science fiction movie?
Anyway, after a long night of debauchery blue lights show up and start Hoovering people into the sky. Giant alien ships show up and more or less kick the crap out of everything the humans throw at them.
The one major issue I have with the story is, if in the case of alien invasion (or zombies, werewolves, vampires, chainsaw wielding maniacs, or killer bunny rabbits) where there is no place appears even remotely safer than where you are currently, then barricade the doors and freaking stay put. This is doubly true if you are stuck with a couple of really hot women. Is it that hard to think of something to do? In the movie it seems pretty obvious that just showing your nose outside the door is a fast track to the super vacuum cleaner in the sky, yet they seem to try to find reasons to run outside every 30 seconds. For god’s sake, hang out and drink your toilet water until the aliens get bored and bail out.
On the positive side, the aliens and ships look freaking awesome, and the F/X amazingly lifelike. I could have spent two hours watching the aliens run around wrecking Los Angeles (something I kept hoping would happen while I was stuck there for two weeks last month) and been happy. As it is, you pretty much get only 45 minutes of that. The aliens are scary as hell, and makes you never want to see a blue light again in your life. The main character, who I disliked at the start of the movie, got to be pretty cool towards the end and I am happy to report that the classic story of the guy sacrificing himself for the girl is reversed in this film.
The other thing I loved is, while the movie was derivative of other films in the same way a photocopy is slightly derivative of the original document, they managed to stay away from the horrible cliche Hollywood ending that the movie felt like it was leading up to. I found that really refreshing in the same way that Independence Day felt like a massive waste of two hours of my life (a computer virus? Really? They can’t even get PC viruses to work on Apples. Give me a freaking break). I’m not going to spoil anything by giving any more details than that.
Overall, I enjoyed it and would have to recommend it. I am trying to figure out a rating system that is nerd related, like pocket protectors or something. I think I like the 10 point systems rather than 5 point, so if any of you have a suggestion let me know. I have an idea that is star related but I need to think about it some more. Odds are it will be painfully complicated, but I have to assume anyone reading this has half a brain or more and can understand something slightly more convoluted than a Lego assembly instruction book. However, until I figure it out (any suggestions would be very seriously considered, so by all means chime in) I will just say I give this one a 6.5 out of 10.
Nerd movie review: Zardoz
I was going to do the Expendables, which I saw last week and more or less enjoyed, but the other night at Bad Movie Night at my friend Brian’s house he made us watch Zardoz. Now understand, I am a fan of bad movies that are in 
their own way entertaining for being camp, or surreal, or just badly done with the best intentions, but this is bad on the level of the Star Wars Holiday Special. It is not quite as bad as SWHS, but it is a close second to the worst movie I have ever seen (this Rocky Horror t-shirt, courtesy of the movie t shirt category, is presented as an example of bad movies that are good, so don’t hate spam me).
This film is less like watching a movie and more like being mauled by a pack of wolves and when you drag yourself into the emergency room your treatment involves the doctor punching you in the balls for two hours straight. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there is some kind of hipster kitsch value in watching it. If you watch this you will feel stupider and less human for the experience. God knows I did.
This movie, bizarrely enough, stars Sean Connery POST JAMES BOND! He should have used his license to kill to take care of his agent on this one. This was after they stopped using him for a couple movies but still, he should have laid off the peyote long enough to actually read the script and realize it would have pissed off PETA if he had lined a bird cage with it, much less tried to act to it. Actually, I’m pretty sure they didn’t have a script for most of the movie and started each day of filming asking the question “OK, what do we feel like filming today?” God I hate the ’70s.
Sean plays Zed, a post-apocalyptic (with remarkably little evidence of any kind of disaster) Brutal (that’s his race, not a descriptive) from the Outlands who spends most of the movie wearing a bright orange loincloth, thigh high brown leather boots, a matching pair safety orange bullet bandoleers, a pony tail, a Texas style handlebar mustache, and an ungodly large amount of chest hair, except of the scene where he wears (no joke) a wedding dress. His acting is pretty wooden, but I really couldn’t judge too accurately as he never had a line that went more than 10 words and spent most of the movie staring into space while the effete upper crust of the future prodded him in the chest. Most of the dialogue was delivered by his girlish dilettante friend named Friend, a hottish (in a ’70s sort of way) woman named Consuela who spent most of the movie trying to get him executed by the annoyingly democratic society but then had a massive and sudden change of heart (similar to a brain aneurysm), fell in love with him and eventually bore him a son, and his only real ally May, the Queen Goddess of Freckles. There is some exposition by Arthur Frayn, who misleads the Brutals by pretending to be the god Zardoz and has a goatee and mustache that was literally drawn on with a Sharpie (again, no joke. Actually, I wish I was joking).
The movie starts off with Arthur’s head floating in space talking to the camera about how he is a magician, immortal, and a god. This is less breaking the 4th wall so much as it is running over it with a Mack truck, then backing up to rape and desecrate it’s corpse. At that point the movie actually gets a little interesting and shows a little promise with a giant stone head floating through the sky, announcing that it is the god Zardoz (SPOILER ALERT-the name Zardoz came from the book The WiZARD of OZ. This is the big revelation that blows Zod’s mind and sets him on the path of deicide. Seriously, the big turning point in his character’s life is finding a childrens novel), and coming up with the one redeeming line from the movie “The Gun is Good. The Penis is Evil. Go Forth and Kill.” The giant head then vomits up hundreds of guns and bullets.
At that point I am thinking “OK, this is kind of interesting. Post apocalyptic religious war. The Road Warrior meets the Passion of the Christ. This has some promise.” Unfortunately, that was the last interesting point in the entire movie. Zod sneaks on board the head, kills Arthur (who later is reborn), lands in the Vortex where an advanced civilization who all have mysterious, ill defined powers and super advanced technology but spend their time grinding grain on a stone grind wheel, is sort of captured, sort of enslaved, sort of experimented on, and is sort of in danger for his life. I really can’t go into the story in any depth at that point as it really is kind of a blur. Somehow all the advanced people are immortal but want to all die, no one has a sex drive any more, the queen of freckles wants to procreate, there is some kind of computer in a crystal that runs everything, Zod is actually some kind of advanced mutant created through selective breeding by Arthur, the old people are kept in a tent in a blatant example of elder abuse, thought crime is punishable by being aged, and everyone is required to do some kind of new age meditation on something called Level 2, but really looks like a hippie freak out session.
Eventually Zod shuts down the force field surrounding the Vortex (did I mention you get to see Sean Connery show off his mime skills?) and his Brutal buddies (also in orange man-kinis and awkward looking Zardoz masks) show up and kill everyone with a serious of brutal summary executions in the most boring action scene of all time. Arthur (Zardoz) resurfaces to claim credit for everything that happened before eating a bullet. By that time I was hoping everyone remotely associated with the movie including the Key Grip and Best Boy would die, so I derived a certain amount of satisfaction from that scene, but it was too little too late. Also, the special effects guy must have had a budget of about $45, as he used at most three squibs during the entire movie. I think they spent all their money on codpieces.
The movie ends with Consuela giving birth to Zods son. He grows up while Zod and Consuela age, die, and decompose into skeletons in a mini montage where they don’t move an inch from a bench. Seeing the credits roll was like getting that first breath of air after being trapped under the ice for 105 minutes. The only difficulty we experienced at that point was resisting the urge to take Brian, the host and architect of pain, out back and beat his ass.
I highly recommend you never see this movie, or mention it in polite company. However, if you want to catch the gist of it without going through the root canal-like agony of watching it I found this Zardoz in 10 minutes clip that really makes about as much sense as the full movie.
Nerd Dating: Dating on a budget pt 4
Let’s talk about dining. Unfortunately there is no ecologically responsible reason to not eat, and if you push the issue too much you will end up eating wheat grass and fungus for the rest of your life. At some point you will actually have to eat a meal in a restaurant with your date. How, then, to do so without breaking your bank?
There is really only one real answer: ethnic food. And by ethnic, I mean it needs to be as authentic as possible. The best places for ethnic food will make you feel like you just walked in off a street in Ho Chi Min city. Also, the fact is the more authentic the food, the less burden it will be on youe budget.
This is not a free pass, however. You still have to sell it to your date. Start off by telling her you know the most amazing Chinese/Vietnamese/Thai/Ethiopian/Mexican/random Third World restaurant that is totally authentic. Try to pick one that has ethnic decorations, a staff that speaks little to no English, and a $2.99 all you can eat buffet or something equivalent. Make sure you know something about the menu (a certain amount of research may be required) as you cannot expect any good advice from the wait staff (as a matter of fact, if they can give you good advice you are in the wrong place). These things will most definitely help to convince her that you are a world traveler, open to new experiences, and not trying to steer her towards a meal that runs $12 for the two of you.
Of course, after the fourth or fifth cheap ethnic meal she may well start to catch on, but the point is by that time you’ve had four or five meals with her and with any luck have made some progress towards actually forming a relationship (and honestly, if you haven’t made any progress by the fifth date it’s time to lose her number. Never forget that your time is valuable too).
Another thing to keep in mind when picking your restaurant of choice is dietary considerations your date might have. Chinese food has a ton of MSG, Vietnamese is relatively healthy but tends to have a lot of salt, etc. If your date is vegetarian or vegan than this whole plan could easily backfire, as a lot of ethnic places tend to not bother with that sort of thing, or do things like call vegetable soup vegetarian even though they cook it in the same chicken broth. In fact if your date is vegan really the only place to take her would be an Ethiopian place, as they generally have great vegetation dishes and know to keep the meat separate. Also, it is delicious and fun to eat (finger food at it’s sloppy best).
(Chinese kung fu shirt (I know. I just couldn’t think of anything else appropriate) courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
Anyway, while this may sound like you are trying to trick your date, remember what I said about women actually being pretty perceptive when it comes to stuff like this and just treat it like a delicious dinner for only a few bucks at a fun place to eat, which is what it is. I love all sorts of ethnic food and if you haven’t tried any you should make the effort.
Dave goes A.P.E.
Alternative Press Expo, that is. I went to the show yesterday, took some really cruddy photos with my camera phone, and had a great time.
Going in, it was pretty obvious that it really was alternative press. I think I saw maybe one or two DC or Marvel images in the whole show. I was trying to get a booth myself, but now that I have seen it I am kind of glad they were full up. My DC and Marvel shirts would not have been well received, I think. Next year I will consider it again, but if I do it I will most likely be very selective as to what I bring in.
I did see one guy wearing this Umbrella Corp t-shirt, but that was literally about as mainstream as the show got (image courtesy of the movie t shirt category).
So, instead I saw a ton of really amazing comic books and graphic novels done by guys in their homes and published on a shoe string budget. There were any number of great ones (as well as any number of mediocre and cruddy ones), as well as a huge selection of art, creative products, and t-shirts (more on that later).
I was also really impressed with the vast number of booths and the size of the event. San Francisco is well know for creative people, but I had no idea it was so broad and encompassing. The other great part was how cool everyone was. Going in I had an idea that there were a lot of counter-culture people with an attitude towards mainstream comics. Instead, I found almost everyone was just comic fans trying to break into the world and get their art out there, as well as just being cool and fun to talk with. Everyone was grateful for people just stopping by their booth. No one was trying to hard sell anything (and I stopped by every booth).
Speaking of selling, I broke my personal promise to myself and actually bought four t-shirts for myself. Ironic that I run a site that sells t-shirts and end up buying more to add to my already massive collection, but these shirts were too cool to not own. In my defense, I am seriously considering bringing a lot of the very cool shirts I saw onto my site (maybe create a small press t-shirt category?) .
The event goes all day today as well if you are in the Bay Area and are looking for something to do. Well worth the $10 ticket. Parking is another $10, but I found street parking about four blocks away, which in San Francisco is like parking three cars down. The event is very well organized and smoothly run. The people running it were all very friendly. Food kind of sucks, and there was a huge line for the only overworked ATM machine, so consider packing a lunch and loading up on cash if you want to buy anything.
Probably more dating advice tomorrow, although I am working on some really great interview that I am really excited about. Keep checking back and see what I come up with.
Nerd Dating: Dirty Dating Tricks Part 3: Body Language Mirroring
This whole concept will sound pretty dumb, but I swear it works. The fact is, when two people have a connection and are having a great conversation, they tend to do the same thing at the same time. They lean forward at the same time, they drink from their glass at the same time, and so on.
(Mirrormask t shirt courtesy of the movie t shirt category)
This is kind of a natural phenomenon. However, you can increase your connection to your date by actively trying to mimic her actions. If she leans forward, you lean forward. If she drinks from her glass, you drink from your glass. If she scratches her nose, you scratch your own (<—IMPORTANT!) nose. The weird part is, in all the years I have been trying to do this, no one has ever noticed.
Now, don’t take this to the point of being ridiculous. If she reaches into her purse or adjusts her bra odds are you should pretty much do nothing. However, sitting in the same pose can do a lot for you. Just avoid looking completely different. If she is posed in her seat there is no excuse for slouching down, crossing your arms, or stretching back. However, you will find that if you mimic her for a while she will start doing what you do unconsciously. Try it by scratching your forehead or something innocuous.
By the way, while this technique is mostly harmless and pretty natural, it is one that you can never, ever tell her you actively used. If you end up marrying her, have a wonderful 50 year marriage, and then confess you did this on your deathbed she will still be incredibly pissed off. Treat this one like you just silently farted on a crowded elevator; no one will know it was you, and you will only embarrass and inconvenience yourself by admitting it. Take this one to your grave.
That’s pretty much it. Simple and effective. Try it next date.
