Gangster Squad Review
A well executed but ultimately lazy film.
I think one day I would like to be a movie producer (one of those producers who doesn’t really produce anything but gets to sit in on the meetings and gets a big screen credit) if only to see how the creative process actually works for film. In my mind I see this film starting with a cool concept taken from actual historic events, casting that would be any directors wet dream, high production values, and in the last three days before production they pay $50 each to a drunken creative writing student, a Minnesota housewife who watches soap operas all day, and a homeless meth head who used to work in a video store to write out the script.
It boggles my mind that a film with a $60,000,000 budget wouldn’t take 1 lousy million and hire the greatest, most creative writers in the history of of film to craft an amazing original story. Instead they seem to treat the writing as secondary to casting, filming, special effects, marketing, and catering so you end up with 113 minutes of formulaic, cliche pap. “We need a reason for Ryan Gosling to join up and hate the crime boss. How about some kid who shines his shoes gets killed in a drive by shooting? We also need a reason for the main character to risk almost certain death when he has a pregnant wife at home and no real reason to care. How about we give him no real reason at all?”
The movie looks nice and you will definitely be drawn in to the Sean Penn character, but the motivations are suspect at best, the action is kind of tepid, the good guy who is going to die couldn’t have been more obvious if they had shown sniper cross hairs on him in every scene, and every event is about as predictable as saying a burst septic tank is going to smell bad. I took the liberty of looking up the screenplay writer (I don’t actually hold the book author responsible. He is writing a book which has a different aesthetic) and with the exception of Castle (where it is not only OK but kind of expected that there be a certain amount of camp cliche) his biggest movie to date is…Gangster Squad. Again, $60,000,000 budget. Why not hire a proven writer?
By they way, he is working on movies that I completely expect to suck like the worlds biggest Hoover: Logans Run (want to see how Hollywood takes amazing movies and remakes them in to lame crap (oh, wait. We just had Red Dawn)?), Lethal Weapon 5 (milk a dead cow a go go), and Justice League (never let it be said that DC isn’t willing to jump on the “Missed the Boat” boat). However, due to the fact that I enjoy Castle I won’t name his name.
Anyway, the movie (some spoilers inc.). Sean Penn (Tree of Life, Colors, Milk) plays Mikey Cohen, a former prizefighter turned gangster who runs crime in LA. Sgt. John O’Mara (Josh Brolin-Goonies, No Country for Old Men, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Truffle shuffle image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) is recruited by Police Chief Parker (Nick Nolte-Cape Fear, 48 Hours, the Thin Red Line) to gun down criminal elements in LA (Parkers motivation is also missing). O’Mara recruits Ryan Gosling (Crazy, Stupid Love (where he also had a romance with Emma Stone), Drive, Ides of March) as Sgt. Jerry Wooters, a sexy, well dressed, deadpan pretty boy who transmits few if any emotions at any time (in other words, every role Ryan Gosling has ever had). He hooks up with Grace Faraday (Emma Stone-the Help, the Amazing Spider Man, Zombieland), who just happens to be Mikey Cohen’s girlfriend (see what I mean about lazy?). His shoe shine kid gets killed in a drive by. He recruits a posse of red shirts including token black guy (Anthony Mackie-Hurt Locker, Real Steel, Million Dollar Baby), token Mexican guy (Michael Pena-Crash, End of Watch, Crash), and a couple of other guys including a dead man walking (Giovanni Ribisi-Saving Private Ryan, Avatar, Gone in Sixty Seconds).
They start taking down mob businesses (if you have ever seen the Untouchables you can probably fast forward about 40 minutes) until the inevitable trap/retribution. Stuff gets blown up, guys get shot, and the fate of the city of LA boils down to a completely unnecessary (from both the film’s perspective and the story) boxing match.
The stars. I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining (there’s your quote for the back of the DvD box: “‘I can’t say it wasn’t well done or entertaining.’-the Nerd Blog”). Two stars. Sean Penn more or less made the movie happen. Two stars. The rest of the cast did well. One stars. Emma Stone is quite the heart breaker. One star. The period portions were dead on and cool (cars, clothes,etc). One star. Total: seven stars.
The black holes. The story was about as formulaic and derivative as a Choose Your Own Adventure novel with half the pages ripped out. One black hole. The action was actually kind of silly to the detriment of the film. One black hole. The only character that had any motivation to do anything at all was Mikey Cohen. The rest of the gang looked and acted like guys who got caught up in the spirit of a riot and then later wonder what the hell they were thinking. One black hole. Any time a main character does something you know is stupid the movie takes a detour into the Valley of Suck, and O’Mara’s decision to duke it out with a professional boxer for no reason whatsoever was less a detour and more a drive off a cliff. One black hole. Total: four black holes.
A grand total of three stars. The cast is good and it is well executed, but this film is firmly in the land of the mediocre. Should you see it? Sure, why not? It will entertain you without any of that pesky thinking that so clutters up better written movies. Date movie? I suppose, as long as you can stand up to being compared to Ryan Gosling. Nothing in here will put her off. Bathroom break? There’s a 50’s style barbeque scene that could be pretty easily missed. It’s early, so if you need a break later on I’d say the scene where Cohen is looking for a bug in his house. Honestly, there isn’t a lot of this film that I would say is 100% necessary. You can pretty much extrapolate any scene you miss by just assuming they did the easiest, most cliche thing available.
Thanks for reading. Lots coming up this weekend, but unfortunately I have something I’m doing for pretty much all of the weekend. Believe it or not it’s even weirder and more nerdy than Warhammer. I’ll try to see something tonight. If you have comments about this film or my review feel free to post them here. Follow me on Twitter for the one Tweet a day I tend to do @nerdkungfu. Off topic questions or suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Independence Day 2?
Hollywood tries to milk a cow that really never had much milk.
I have long railed against the endless proliferation of remakes and worthless sequels that Hollywood seems intent on spewing forth from every orifice. Some sequels are nice continuations or reimaginings of a good story, and often times will enhance or improve upon the first film. Terminator 2 for example. Some sequels are completely unneccessary blood ticks leeching onto an otherwise great film like a tapeworm that lives in your wallet. Boondock Saints 2. Some rare sequels are a dramatic game changer that takes a bad movie and makes the franchise awesome. Star Trek the Wrath of Khan is the penultimate example of this miracle.
However, occasionally we get the other rarity, a sequel to a really bad movie that looks like it is only going to suck more. I liken this to spending months getting rid of your warts only to have a brand new family of them surface just when you thought you were safe. I think the recent Wrath of the Titans is probably one of the best examples of this unpleasant phenomenon.
Thus we come to the horrible sounding sequel to Independence Day. While I am a fan of alien invasion films (Alien image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) this one is to science fiction what Justin Beiber is to rock and roll. In spite of what everyone who knows nothing about science fiction thinks it is truly awful, and only a star studded cast and decent special effects saved it. To anyone who thinks it was good I offer the following challenge: aside from watching the White House get blown up try to recall any detail regarding the story or plot (I can recall it because I am cursed with a memory that remembers every plot I have ever seen but can’t recall anything I have read in a text book). The more you can remember the better the movie, right?
So we come to the looming possibility of Independence Day 2, most likely sans Will Smith (in spite of his poor choice of scripts I actually like him as an actor). What could this possible add to the story? And before you answer that understand that director Roland Emmerich has never had much interest in doing great stories or anything that is not a special effects exxxxxxxxxtravaganza (in addition to the original Independence Day his filmography includes the Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla 1998, and 2012. Science just called and wants to put a hit out on this guy). Odds are it will be a simple rehashing in hopes of culling 60% of the $811 million that the original made. Most likely it will have some great special effects, some early 20’s heartthrobs (Chris Helmsworth, I can here the call now), 3D to give me a headache, a story that makes one wish for the complexity of See Dick and Jane, and an abuse of science that is akin to childhood molestation.
So what does this mean? For any of you with a brain nothing, since odds are you will skip this travesty. For me it is like my doctor predicting an impending bout of irritable bowel syndrome triggered by massive diarrhia and causing projectile vomiting, and then giving me a release date. Being a reviewer is not always fun in the sun, let me tell you.
Anyway, I need to get back and do my worst 10 of 2012. Nora just saw Flight and is going to review it later. I hope you liked her review. She has a different style than I do (generally less analogies in the form of body function descriptions) but I enjoy it. Talk to you soon.
Dave
2012 Recap: Top 10 movies of the year
So another year has gone by and this week I have had the chance to reflect on what I have seen and how it all shakes out. Last year I got kind of in depth but this year I am going to keep it fairly simple with three posts: a best 10, a worst 10, and a general prize posts for things like “Movie Most Likely to Make Me Want to Club Baby Seals”.
Before I go on I’d like to mention my cousin Nora has expressed an interest in posting some of her own movie reviews. She also has some dating advice that is probably even more valuable than my own haphazard collection of misinformation and ill informed theories, mainly due to the fact that she is not only a girl but is several orders of magnitude more successful in the dating world than I am. She also grew up with my other cousin who is something of a chick magnet (no bitter jealousy here, I swear) so she has seen it all.
Bear in mind that these lists and my awards are strictly movies that I actually saw last year, so spare me your “Why isn’t Jiro Dreams of Sushi on this list?” emails and comments. Last year I watched and reviewed 94 movies, which is a lot in anyone’s book (although the year before I did 110, so I must be slacking some). In retrospect as I look over the scores I gave out I realize I have been overly generous. Does Men in Black 3 really rate even 1 star? It looks like I tend to be nicer to sci fi and other nerd movies.
In compiling my list I have used my scores as a guideline, but not an absolute. Some movies are just better than others in spite of the stars or black holes I was able to find in the film. so, without further ado, here is my list of the 10 best films of 2012.
10. End of Watch-Ironically not a lot of people I know saw this film. A found footage film based on the daily lives of two LAPD officers. What made this movie work for me was the amazing intensity the film brought to the screen. Not like a horror movie but instead a consistent level of seat arm gripping. Don’t expect to feel good at the end of this one.
9. the Dictator-I’ll admit I am a Sasha Baron Cohen fan and this film might not be as good as Borat, but I laughed my ass off. I think a lot of people might not have been happy with the exact subject matter, and I think it hilarious when his movies get accused of antisemitism, but if you can unlock your sense of humor I think it’s a great film.
8. the Grey-another movie that manages to break out of the norm and thrill you without car chases and an idiotic master plan to destroy all of Nebraska or something. I love the fact that the director didn’t compromise his vision by pushing out a happy ending like an impacted bowel movement. I don’t know if this is a good example of excellent acting or just really good casting, but Liam Neeson nailed this one. Don’t hold your breath waiting for a sequel here.
7. Moonrise Kingdom-next time I use the word “whimsical” in a review one of you do me the favor of driving over to my place and smothering me with a pillow. That being said, this movie is in all ways cute and fun. Sort of “Stand By Me” meets “Peewee’s Big Adventure“. Also the cast is really impressive. (Stand By Me image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category)
6. the Raid Redemption-when you see as many movies as I do it sometimes feel like you are chained in front of a guy with a fire hose and the hose is shooting out mediocrity. That is more true in the action genre than any other, if only because even movies that try to avoid cliche’s still get hit with the fact that action films in themselves are cliche. The Raid Redemption is one of the few I have seen that really made the whole action thing work without reminding me of every other action film I have seen, starting with Die Hard.
5. Looper-Sci fi is like fine wine to me, and honestly I think I like sci fi better in the dystopic near future of Bladerunner than the fabulous far future of Star Trek. Not only that, but this movie managed to use time travel as a plot device without running into the usual movie time travel paradox: how did the writer get his head so far up his own rectum (I’m talking to you, J.J. Abrams). There are holes but for the most part they were forgivable, leaving us with a great story, excellent performances, and an awesome ending.
4. Dredd-This is one people might disagree with me on. It’s not amazing in the traditional sense of movies like Citizen Kane or the Godfather, but in a very real sense I appreciate it for having a vision of what they wanted to do and executing it perfectly. They wanted to do a Dredd movie that truly derived from the comic book and have it remain exciting and cool. They absolutely succeeded. While I found it highly derivative of the Raid I think the sci fi element more than made up for it. Besides, taking inspiration from another good movie sounds more like a smart move than just lack of imagination. It’s movies that rip off bad movies that end up sucking (cough cough Red Dawn cough cough).
3. Wreck it Ralph-as a kids movie I didn’t give this one a score but if I had it would have ranked up there very high. An excellent kids movie that even adults will really enjoy. All I can say about this film is of all the movies I saw last year this was the only one I saw a second time.
2. the Life of Pi-on paper this film shouldn’t even be in my top ten, but in the viewing you realize how extremely well done and beautiful this movie is. Great story, awesome acting, and a cool subtle darkness that appeals to the side of me that likes grim movies. Well worth watching IMO.
1. Argo-this shouldn’t come as a huge surprise to anyone who read the review I wrote. Phenomenal story, awesome action, and a pacing that somehow managed to make a walk through an outdoor bazaar as exciting as the chase sequence from the Italian Job. It’s place as my Number 1 is cemented not only because it rated 12 stars but because I couldn’t find a single black hole to give it, a singular event indeed. I see this movie as not only a triumph of direction, but also of editing. As close to flawless as a movie can get in my (less than) humble opinion.
That’s my list. Feel free to disagree and post your own opinions in the comments here. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have any off topic suggestions or questions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thank you all for reading, and for all your support last year. 2013 is going to rock!
Dave
P.S. Nora just texted me that she is going to write a review for This is 40. Thank god. That movie looked like a good excuse to jump off a bridge, and now I don’t have to go see it.
Killing Them Softly Review
Boring me majorly.
This is a film I saw a week ago but have not had the time to write up. Saying the Holidays are busy for me is like saying Red Tails is a bad movie. The actual words fail to encompass exactly how busy I am (or how bad Red Tails was). Sufficed to say things have been nuts but now I should have time to get caught up on reviews.
I am a Brad Pitt fan, and have been ever since I saw Fight Club mainly because there was nothing else on that day and walked out of the theater with the thundering realization that I had just accidentally seen my all time favorite film (I Beat Tyler Durden courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Inglorious Basterds was amazing, and I even got to like Meet Joe Black, although not for the story. In spite of the fact that Brad was originally sold to us as a pretty boy I have gotten to like him, and will take a serious look at any movie he opts to do.
All that being said, while he did an admirable job with the mediocre part he was handed there was nothing he could do to save this film from being a total snooze-fest. Watching this film is like staring out the window in detention in school where even the actions of two pigeons on a ledge seem fascinating because you are so painfully bored. It runs 97 minutes but felt like 197.
Like most mediocre to bad films the real sin the director committed was a failure to commit strongly enough in any single direction. At the same time this film tries to be an action film, character study, and drama while completely lacking in action, character development, or drama. Something like 75 of the 97 minutes is of two men sitting in a parked car talking about what they should do and why (different cars and different men, but almost the same scene every time). The main thing this repetitive shooting does is highlight how rote and mundane a lot of the camera work is. There is only so much shot-counter shot you can do in a film until it starts to feel like the editor is running off a metronome.
The other thing this film really lacks is a point. The whole thing seemed pitched as a character realization, either for the Brad Pitt character or the other main guy (Scoot McNairy-Argo, Monster, In Search of a Midnight Kiss). However, at the end nothing is realized and everyone is either worse off or exactly the same. There is some kind of sub plot involving James Gandolfini (the Sophranos, the Last Castle, In the Loop (<–great movie, BTW)) and his alcohol problem that just vanishing into the mist like a badly created sub plot. There might be some kind of important message about how fragile the organized crime illegal gambling economy is and how all it takes is one idiot to ruin it, but I failed to see the importance of that.
The story. Frankie (Scoot McNairy) and Russell (Ben Mendelsohn-Killer Elite, the Dark Knight Rises, Tresspass) are small time criminals and drug addicts who get hired (after the longest interview process in employment history) by a small kingpin (Vincent Curatola-the Sophranos, Monk, the Good Wife) to rob a local illegal poker game run by Markie Trattman (Ray Liotta-Goodfellas, Hannibal, Smoking Aces). (By the way, the casting director really phoned it in on this one. He or she was told this was a mafia film and called the first five guys cast typed into it (I guess Joe Pesci had other things to do)). Robbing a mafia game normally would get them all killed badly, but since Trattman was known for robbing his own game they all figured he would get the blame for it.
They rob the game, and that is pretty much the last interesting thing that happens in the entire film. The rest of it is Jackie (Brad Pitt), the mafia enforcer, being called in to find the guys and kill them. This might sounds good, but most of his search seems to involve sitting around talking about what it’s like to be a hit man or something. He hires his old frind Mickey (Gandolfini) to kill the guy who cooked the deal up but Mickey is more interested in drinking, hiring hookers, and bellyaching about his life to anyone in proximity. For some reason we are given extensive lectures on the economics of organized crime and criminal committee decision making, kind of in the same way that a lump of grass takes an extensive tour of a cows massive digestive system. There are a number of action-ish scenes that in a normal film would have been pretty cool but in this one it has all the excitement of a corpse twitching after death. I am going to use the old “I don’t want to drop any spoilers” excuse to end this story description, but the truth is just recalling it is triggering my narcolepsy.
The stars. Brad Pitt was decent even given the garbage role he was handed. One star. While the film was painfully boring the director made the merciful and wise decision to make it relatively short. One star. I don’t know where Mickey is finding his hookers, but the one that is shown is heartbreakingly hot (no nudity, however). One star (I’m kind of reaching here). Three stars total.
Boring. Boring boring boring boring boring boring dull. Two black holes. The ending felt worthless and rushed, like they suddenly all realized how dull the movie was and just wanted to end it so they could move on with their lives. One black hole. Not a single sympathetic character in the bunch, and no real protagonist. Even the main guy sucks for being so stupid. You kind of end up hating them all equally. One black hole. Mundane camera work and pulseless action. One black hole. A movie with all the pretension of having a point without actually having a point. One black hole. This is one of the very rare occasions that I can say I walked out of the theater with the definitive feeling that I had wasted my time and money. One black hole. Total: six black holes.
A total of three black holes. Worth seeing at all? Meh. If your choices are watching this or watching two pigeons on a ledge outside your window than sure. Not worth time in the theater in my opinion. See it at home. Date movie? Probably not. You will burn all your credit choosing a dude movie and then look lame when she passes out from boredom. Bathroom break? Pretty much anywhere. If you want to pick a specific scene I’d say the one where Russell and Frankie are smoking crack together. Even more nothing happens, and the only relevant plot point is restated by Brad Pitt five minutes later.
Thanks for reading, and sorry I had to start off with something dull like this. Some interesting stuff coming out this week. I will try to see something good soon. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this film or my review feel free to post them here. If you have any off topic questions or suggestions feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Life of Pi Review
I actually saw this movie last week but have just now (Saturday night at 6:44pm, if any of you want a little insight into what my social life is like) found the time to write it up. To be honest, I have been less than motivated to write this one. Not because it was bad. Quite the contrary. When I see a bad movie I am way more motivated to write it up, like a tiger spotting a gazelle walking with a limp. Nothing but fresh meat. Plus the act of tearing a bad movie several new orifices has a wonderful purging effect, leaving me fresh as a daisy for the next film (sort of. I still have the taste of Jack and Jill in my mouth and that was over a year ago. There isn’t enough ginger in the world to clear your palette from really, really bad sushi).
No, the reason I have been less that motivated to write up this film is it actually was really good and I enjoyed it a lot, but it didn’t tickle my nerd nerve. How many ways can you find to say how beautiful an exquisite painting of a flower is? Sure, you could stand there for hours admiring it but in the end it is a picture of a flower. If I had enjoyed a science fiction or comic book movie I would have had it half written by the time I got home. This is a beautiful movie about a tiger on a lifeboat. Honestly, there isn’t much more I can say besides you should all go see it.
Sigh. I guess I don’t get paid for 250 word reviews (who is paying me for these again? Oh, yeah. No one). Before I go any deeper into it I must say no, I did not read the book. That seems to be the question everyone I tell I saw this flick is programmed to ask. Does that diminish my enjoyment of the film? Maybe. I won’t know until I read it. I have heard from people who have both read the book and watched the movie that the movie is less gory yet manages to retain the main message and a lot of the feel. I will say that it is very apparent that this film was based on a book, if only because this level of sophistication and creative fancifulness has long been missing from the hacks who currently write in Hollywood.
This is the story of Pi, a young Indian who gets trapped on a lifeboat with a tiger (tiger image from the Hangover courtesy of the Movie T Shirt catagory). The story is told as a flashback (suspiciously similar to Titanic, but I’ll let it slide) by adult Pi (Irrfan Khan-Slumdog Millionaire, the Amazing Spider Man, the Darjeeling Limited). It starts out with young Pi (Gautam Belur-first movie credit) growing up in a zoo and learning about how tigers are not friendly. There is a cute vignette about how he got his name. Then he is teenage Pi (Suraj Sharma-also first movie credit). His family is going to sell the zoo animals overseas and immigrate to Canada. While traveling with the animals the boat sinks (by the way, if you have any fears of being on a boat that is sinking this movie will do nothing to help you with that. I do and it creeped me the hell out). Pi ends up on a life raft with a zebra with a broken leg, a baboon, a jackel, and a tiger. In short order the ride is reduced to Pi and the tiger.
At that point it is just the story of Pi struggling to survive both the elements and the fact that there is a tiger in the boat with him. There are some really great moments as he figures out ways of keeping the tiger fed without being eaten himself, and clever ways he keeps himself from going stir crazy. There are some fanciful parts as well, such as star visions and a strange island. I’m not going to get too far into it as there are some cool twists and undercurrents and any spoilers would be a real disservice to a great film.
The stars. For a movie set on a life raft this film had depth that is missing from the vast majority of other films. Somehow the scope of the set managed to seem bigger than it really was, and the interaction between the tiger and Pi much more engaging than most films with two or more human actors. Two stars. A complex story masquerading as simple that managed to draw you in and still surprise you. One star. The film manages to connect you to the protagonist amazingly well. You are really rooting for him and hoping he survives. One star. You also get to like the tiger a great deal. One star. Overall a very high quality cinema experience. Three stars. Total: eight stars.
The black holes. Not a lot, really. It drags a little towards the middle, and you definitely know you have been in a 127 minute movie. I guess that’s about it. One black hole total.
A grand total of seven stars. Yet another great film that had me entranced without a single gun fight or explosion. I must be finally maturing. Should you see it? Yes. Yes you should. Even if this is not your style you will not at all regret the time. Date movie? An emphatic yes. If you take your girl to see this and Wreck it Ralph and she doesn’t sleep with you lose the number because it isn’t going to happen. Bathroom break? Unfortunately all the best chances to use the rest room are in the first 30 minutes or so. I’d say use the bathroom when the family first starts out on the boat and then hold it for the rest of the movie.
Thanks for reading. I don’t know if I have time to see something tomorrow but if I don’t I’ll try to go out on Monday. My life seems to get busier each month. At some point it will either slow down again or I will hit critical mass. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have a comment on this movie or my review post it here please. Any off topic question or suggestions can be emailed to [email protected]. Thanks again and have a great day.
Dave
The Man With the Iron Fists Review
A whole lot stupider than I had hoped it would be.
I have been dreading writing this review. I love martial arts movies (the Master of the Flying Guillotine will always be my favorite, but 36th Chamber of Shaolin is up there. Kung-Fu the Invisible Fist image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) and am a fan of Quentin Tarantino, so when I heard he was presenting an homage Kung Fu Theater film I was as excited as possible and really looking forward to this.
However, I have discovered that being a movie reviewer has a huge karma element, in that you pay for the good movies with the bad. The last few months have been a wonderful stroll through movies that I expected to suck that were actually fun and entertaining (Pitch Perfect, for example), so it seems inevitable that I would go to a movie that I expected to be amazingly good and instead be handed a big, incoherent mess. The first sign of incoming suck was when, after the title credit of “Quentin Tarantino presents…” you don’t see his name listed in anything that remotely relates to the actual production of the film. Can someone who works in the film industry please explain to me what the word “presents” actually refers to? Was Quentin involved in the writing at all? Did he see this film and think “Hmm. This is exactly the kind of Kung Fu movie I would have made had I had the time.” Did he finance the film? Did he operate the projector at the premier and sell popcorn at the concession stand? Really, what the hell did he do with this film? I need to know.
Instead, this film was written and directed by RZA, who was also the star. In some situations this can lead to a brilliant movie when the star is actually an extremely talented director as well as an accomplished actor (Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino, etc), but if the person in charge doesn’t have that kind of past credibility it is easy for the experience to turn into a massive self aggrandizing ego trip. RZA is a founding member of the Wu Tang clan, one of the few rap bands I can actually listen to, and is a well known fan of Kung Fu Theater. It is apparent that he wanted to create a tribute to the Wu Tang films of yesteryear but got sidetracked by his fan induced need to stick everything and the kitchen sink into this film.
I will say it apparent that his knowledge of Kung Fu Theater is extensive, and he managed to incorporate a lot of the visuals and concepts into this film. However, the one thing most old martial arts films seem to have is a fairly coherent and direct story plot. This movie seems to want to take five different movies and run them through a tree shredder before mixing them up and taping them into one film. The rumor I read is that the original film ran four hours and RZA wanted to present them as a Part I and II Kill Bill style but was forced by the studio to cut it down to 90 minutes. If that is true than the mishmash of story elements, the characters that we are supposed to care about without even being introduced to, and the choppiness of of the story pacing makes a lot more sense.
I’d like to talk a bit about the story as it relates to classic Kung Fu movies. Most of the best Kung Fu films were made in Communist China, which in addition to being plagued by Chinese racism (mostly against other Asian cultures) were always written from the perspective of the hero doing what is best for the people, and usually dies in the attempt. The villains are always working for the evil dynasties or trying to prevent the unification of China. The movie Hero is a perfect example of this. The main character literally lets himself be killed in order to ensure the continued unification of China. This film however is all about gold. The bad guys want the gold, the good guys want to give the gold back to the local governor. I know it’s a minor point and one that RZA is free to argue with me, but I think the film might have benefited from a less grubby motivation.
Anyway, the story. The governor is transporting a huge shipment of gold and opts to send it through Jungle Village, a brutal town under the control of warring clans. He hires Golden Lion of the Lion clan to guard and escort the gold, but Golden Lion is betrayed and killed by his two lieutenants, who are going to steal it. Russell Crowe (Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, LA Confidential) shows up to do something(?) and steal pretty much every scene while sticking out like a square peg in a round peg factory. RZA (Ghost Dog: the Way of the Samurai, Bulworth, Repo Men) is the Blacksmith, a local weapons manufacturer who is saving up money to buy his lover Lady Silk (Jamie Chung-Sucker Punch, The Hangover Part II, Grown Ups) away from the local brothel run by Madame Blossom (Lucy Liu-Kill Bill Part I, Kung Fu Panda, Charlies Angels).
Ugh. Just sorting this script out is making my brain hurt. I’m going to break it down into bullet points. Golden Lion’s son the X-Blade (Rick Yune-Die Another Day, The Fast and the Furious, Snow Fall on Ceders) is out for revenge. The bad guys send Brass Body (Dave Bautista-WWE Smackdown!, House of the Rising Sun, the Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption) is hired to kill him with his ability to turn into brass. Madame Blossom convinces the bad guys to store all their gold in here trap infested death dungeon. Russell Crowe is some kind of bad ass who works for the governor. The Lion Clan kills a rival clan. The Blacksmith saves X-Blade for no apparent reason and gets his arms cut off in punishment. He then forges iron fists (oh, wait. NOW I see it…) to fight with after a long, completely incongruent flashback/origin story. He, X-Blade, and Russell Crowe all team up to attack something(?).
The stars. Martial arts movies always rock. One star. Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu both seem to have figured out that this whole thing was a joke and played their parts brilliantly in that context. One star. Some of the action was good. One star. The costumes, props, and sets were all really well done. One star. Some decent visuals and camera work. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. A story that looked like someone took 83 of those Magnetic Poetry word sets and threw them randomly against the worlds largest refrigerator door. One black hole. For all the good acting Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu did, the rest of the cast acted like test subjects at a Valium research center. One black hole. The fact that he was only one of two people really acting grossly exacerbated the fact that Crowe’s character (Jack Knife) was as out of place as I would be in the company of beautiful women. One black hole. Pacing and editing was like trying to handle a three year old kid who has just had a triple latte. One black hole. For every cool action scene, there were three or more that you would laugh at if you saw them in a TNMT cartoon. While some liberties can be taken with suspension of disbelief in the martial arts of a Kung Fu movie, if you reach the point that the audience is laughing at how dumb it was than you have really gone too far. One black hole. Literally no thought put into the names of the characters. A guy who turns his body into brass? Let’s just call him Brass Body. Madame Blossom, Lady Silk, X-Blade, Golden Lion, Silver Lion, Copper Lion, Poison Dagger, Jack Knife? It’s like I’m back in 6th grade playing D&D and trying to name a village full of NPCs. One black hole. An attempted homage to a great film genre that gets sidetracked into confusion hell. One black hole. A movie that is clearly a massive self gratification session for RZA. Why not just show him masturbating to pictures of himself? One black hole. A rated R movie that has sex scenes that are almost late night Skinimax in explicitness yet still manage to not show any nudity. If you are going to swim in the rated R pool just jump in the deep end. Don’t pussyfoot around. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
A grand total of four black holes. Is it really bad? Not horrible. Like I said in the review for Resident Evil: Retribution if you like this sort of thing you might enjoy it. I will say that if they made the extended four hour version available on NetFlix I would probably watch it. Maybe without the brutal editing hammer this film would make sense and engage me more. Date movie? Hell no. Not only is this film a complete waste of time for most women, she will also see it as a massive waste of time for you and lose respect for the way you are spending your life. Bathroom break? Take your pick. If I had to specify I would say any of the Russell Crowe/Chinese prostitute sex scenes. They add absolutely nothing, show absolutely nothing, yet at the same time imply any number of images in your frustrated head. If you want to avoid being the Man With the Blue Balls you might take that moment to go relieve yourself.
Thats it. I feel bad dumping on this film. I really wanted to love it, but Hollywood had a different fate for me in mind. I think I am going to see Wreckit Ralph tonight. That looks fun. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. Any comments on this movie or my review feel free to post them here. Off topic questions and suggestions can be sent to [email protected]. Thanks for reading. Have a great day.
Dave
Cloud Atlas Review
A bit of a conundrum.
I have to admit I have been putting writing this off for a while. I saw the film Friday night and have been trying to figure out if I like it or not ever since. Normally, even if a movie is mixed I can readily pick out the good and bad elements and say “I liked this but hated this.” However, with this film even the elements I disliked I also liked on some level, whereas the parts that were cool also annoyed me. Trying to follow all six stories was a huge pain in the ass, but most of the stories were cool and reasonably original (from each other), although in context to each other really foggy yet at the same time simplistic. The vast number of characters was bewildering, as was trying to keep track of who was occupying by each soul, but to a man or woman they were all interesting and engaging. There were some great visuals, but for some bizarre reason the sound quality really sucked, at least as far as the dialog went.
This is one of the reviews that will inevitably attract comments from pretentious blowhards about my inability to “get it” like intellectual flies drawn to a picnic lunch left in the sun too long (see my review for Tree of Life for a good example of that). I want to state that for the most part I do “get” the point being made in this film: that we are reincarnated as a group in life after life together and the good and ill that we commit will affect our station in the next one. Furthermore, the love of your existence will resurface in one form or another in each incarnation. I actually like that a lot. I have a strong desire to believe in both reincarnation and karma (of course if that were all true than based on my dating life now I must have been Ghengis Khan in a previous life). I just don’t know how necessary that message is, or how well it was delivered here.
This film suffers from two major problems that I can see. The first is the same problem that plagues other multi-line stories like New Years Eve or What to Expect When You’re Expecting, in that by having six different stories with completely different characters you never really identify with any one of them and therefore not really care a lot. However, this film is so in advanced of that dross that comparing the two is like comparing a slug to Robert DiNero. This film makes up for a lot of the connection issues inherent in multi-lines by employing amazing actors and characters that really draw you in. However, each of the sub plots ends up feeling really undeveloped and insubstantial. I honestly wish I could have seen each of the stories fleshed out into a separate movie, although that would have ruined the overriding message that was being delivered. This movie does not lack for ambition, and in the end it feels like they might have tried to keep too many balls up in the air.
The other issue I had was the dialog. I don’t know if it was a sound quality issue, the homemade dialects, or the Clockwork Orange-esque linguistic idiosyncrasies, but I honestly didn’t understand about 2/3rds of what was being said. I was able to surmise most of it from the context, but for the majority of the film I felt like a ten year old listening to my parents talk about sex using allusion and secret words. I was able to get the big picture of what was being said but a lot of the more specific and subtle references were completely lost on me. It was frustrating and distracting.
The film is six different stories, all starring the same set of actors in different roles. There is a story about a young man in the early part of the 19th century on a ship being poisoned by a doctor while trying to help an escaped slave, a hot reporter in the 70’s trying to uncover the secret behind a nuclear power plant, a young composer in the early 20th century dealing with his homosexuality while composing a symphony called the Cloud Atlas, a modern book publisher who gets tricked into incarceration in an old folks home while fleeing from British thugs, a cyberpunk replicant slave girl who escapes the lies of her existence in a nightmarish futuristic Seoul, and a post apocalyptic survivor who helps a young woman contact off world colonies in an attempt to escape a dying and poisonous Earth. Tom Hanks (Saving Private Ryan, Philadelphia, Forest Gump) plays six different characters, Halle Berry (X-Men, Catwoman, New Years Eve) plays six, Jim Broadbent (Gangs of New York, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (bleh)) plays five, 
Hugo Weaving (Matrix, the Lord of the Ring, V for Vendetta. Middle Earth image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) plays six (all of them villains), Jim Sturgess (21, One Day, the Way Back) plays seven, Doona Bae (the Host, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Take Care of My Cat) plays six, Ben Whishaw (Bright Star, Skyfall, I’m Not There) plays five, and Keith David (the Thing, Platoon, Mr. & Mrs. Smith) plays four. The stories connect only connect in the most tertiary manner, but each of them has something cool going on (although I was much more intrigued by the two sci fi stories).
The stars. The acting was tremendous. Seriously, Tom Hanks managed to pull off six completely different and believable characters, all of them intriguing. The rest of the cast rocked as well. I was most surprised by Halle Berry. She has developed extremely well as an actress, and I am going to have to start taking her seriously. Three stars. The movie had some amazing visuals, especially Neo-Seoul. Two stars. Each of the stories had the seeds of a great one, especially the sci fi ones. One star. Pacing and story balance were great. One star. Overall an extremely intriguing and interesting movie. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
The black holes. Taken as a whole, the story is foggy and lacks direction. Two black holes. Each of the sub stories is like a seed planted in the shadow of a big rock, stunted and weak. One black hole. The freaking dialog and my inability to understand it was driving me berserk. One black hole. The overall message was on the prosaic and simple side for such a complex story. One star. Said message could actually be easy to miss, especially if you hadn’t seen all the trailers that more or less explain it to you. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
A grand total of five stars. Should you see it? Absolutely. Even if you find it confusing and annoying, this is a movie that should not be missed and should be seen on a big screen if only for the experience. I’m not going to say it’s a cultural classic like Star Wars or even the Matrix, but ten years from now you will feel like you missed something when people are talking about Cloud Atlas and you have to say you saw it on NetFlix. Date movie? Maybe. The visuals are good, but if she gets confused by the complexities of the stories (no sexism implied here. I was getting confused by the complexities of the stories) that could turn her off, and if you give in to your natural instinct to explain things to here you could come across as a pretentious blowhard, leaving you at home alone with nothing better to do than post comments here. Bottom line, there are better date movies out there. Bathroom break? This movie clocks in at a massive 172 minutes (although to be honest, it didn’t feel like it) so odds are you will need one. I would recommend holding it if you can, however. If you have no choice I think the modern story with the book publisher is the least important and engaging sub plot, so every time you see Jim Broadbent bumbling around on screen that is your time.
Thanks for reading, and for your ongoing support. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. If you have comments on this review or the movie feel free to post them here. I try to respond to all of them, and as long as you keep it civil will post them. Any off topic questions or comments can be emailed to [email protected].
I’m a little slammed right now with work, by the way. I will try to see some movies this week (Skyfall tonight, I think) but have come across some stories I wrote about my father that are pretty funny. If I don’t have time I might start throwing those up for laughs. Let me know what you think.
Dave
Argo Review
Dave the Pirate says “Arr, go see this movie!”
I promise that joke will seem funnier once you see this film. I actually saw it a few days ago but due to life, work, and Warhammer haven’t had a chance to write this up. This has given me a chance to really think about this film, trying desperately to find a fault I can bitch about. There is no way I want a movie to escape my evil grasp without some scar to remember me by. I swear I could find an issue with the greatest movie of all time (Fight Club, in my opinion, although most credible reviewers seem to want to list films like the Shawshank Redemption or the Godfather) if I really put my mind to it.
However, I think I am going to be disappointed. This movie is nigh flawless, and in spite of the fact that there are no gun battles, fist fights, car chases, or monsters I was glued to my seat experiencing a buildup of tension and pressure that was highly reminiscent of my dating life, except that the movie manages to find release. This movie managed to make me care about each of the characters, even the bit ones who only had a line or two, and I was honestly gripping my seat in fear for them in a way no good or bad horror movie has ever accomplished.
Of course, if you are one of the grunting unwashed masses who can’t go two minutes without seeing something explode or Jason Stratham breaking someone’s arm than this movie is probably not for you. For you, sir, I would recommend Taken 2 followed by a bout of breaking beer bottles on your forehead in the parking lot of your local WalMart. For the rest of us (and hey, I’m not saying I haven’t broken beer bottles on my forehead. I’m just saying not all movies need to be done by Michael Bey) this movie is a great, well written story with excellent acting, direction, and pacing.
I vaguely remember the events of the Iranian Hostage Crisis. At the time I was more concerned with staying out of my father’s line of sight and the fact that I was getting my ass kicked at school at least once a week, so world events were not a really a concern for me. I remember thinking Carter was kind of a wimp for not just sending in the army and kicking the crap out of them all, but in retrospect I understand how that might have been a bad move. The fact that this story is based on a true story adds a lot to the perceived value of the film in my opinion.
Anyway, the story is of six members of the US Embassy in Iran (Tate Donovan, Scoot McNairy, Rory Cochrane, Kerry Bishe, Christoper Denham, Clea DuVall) who managed to sneak out the back when the revolutionary students stormed the building. They hide out at the Canadian Ambassador’s house (Victor Garber-Sleepless in Seattle, Titanic, Milk) and spend a couple months sponging off him and his wife. Meanwhile, back in the USA CIA director Jack O’Donnell (Bryan Cranston-Total Recall, Breaking Bad, Red Tails) taps extraction expert Tony Mendez (Ben Affleck-Gigli, Saving Private Ryan, Good Will Hunting) to help construct a plan to get them out of the country. The guys in charge are coming up with all kinds of bad ideas, and Tony calls them on it.
Eventually he comes up with the idea of creating a fake science fiction movie called Argo and an even faker Canadian film company to shoot it in Iran. In order to give legitimacy to their back story he contacts Hollywood make up man 
John Chambers (John Goodman-Monsters, Inc, the Artist, the Big Lebowski. World of Pain poster courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) to help him. They recruit director Lester Siegal (Alan Arkin-Little Miss Sunshine, Grosse Point Blank, Edward Scissorhands) and together they create a fake movie buzz in true Hollywood fashion. Tony flies to Iran to scout locations, where he has to train the six to get them out of the country.
I don’t want to get too much more into it. Pretty much everything I just told you I picked up by watching the trailers, so no spoilers there.
The stars. Honestly, this might be a waste of time as I don’t think I will have any black holes, but it might be fun to list the parts I particularly enjoyed. Excellent story. Two stars. Excellent acting by literally everyone. There wasn’t a bad seed to be found. Two stars. Pacing and editing were brilliant, mixing the many sub plots (the fake production company, the suits at CIA headquarters managing things, the plight of the Americans as well as the hostages, and the Iranian investigation trying to track down the missing Americans) in a way that each piece reinforced the overall story rather than distracted from it. Two stars. Normally I give movies set in the 70’s and 80’s black holes for being true to the era (I have issues with American culture and fashion during my childhood. Also bad porn mustaches) but here it was well done. They also managed to give the film a very 80’s feel, which kept it from looking too polished and further set you in the time period. One star. The characters all made it incredibly easy to connect to, thus increasing the tension and concern as the movie progressed. One star. The tension and worry were palpable. One star. Direction and camera work were very well done. One star. In a movie with no action to speak of I was completely engrossed. Two stars. Total: twelve stars.
Black holes? Not really. If I had enjoyed the film less I could have dug something up, but that would just be petty. A big donut here.
Twelve stars and no black holes? I must be losing my mind. Normally September and October are the movie equivalent of crossing a huge open field comprised entirely of ruptured septic tanks (mainly because all the movies that suck to much to compete with the summer and holiday block busters slink here to hide like worms and bugs under a rock) but the last couple months has been a truly great movie experience. Should you see this? Duh. That’s like asking if you should keep on processing oxygen. Date movie? Yes, not because this film will really turn her on (no romance or shirtless young wolf men) but because everyone should see this film and she might appreciate your taste and intellect on this one. Plus if the date goes nowhere and you never see her again at least you have seen a great movie. Bathroom break? Honestly, this is one you are going to want to hold it. It’s a long 120 minutes but feels like 90. However, if you super sized your drink and really have to keep from embarrassing yourself I would say the scene where all the Americans have to go to the Grand Bazaar. It is a great scene but I think you could miss most of it without losing track of what is going on. But trust me, just get a small drink.
Thanks for reading. Things have gotten really weird lately in that I seem to be liking more movies than I hate. I hope watching all the horrible movies hasn’t desensitized me or shifted my tastes. Of course, we are on final approach to the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 so maybe I can tell myself I am building a bile reserve to unleash like a fire hose on that train wreck. Incidentally, Silent Hill Revelation is coming out this weekend and I can honestly say that playing the video game did horrible things to my head. I am not looking forward to seeing this. Fortunately my friends are queuing up to see it with me. I suspect they hope to see me do something embarrassing that requires a change of clothing. I plan to disappoint them.
Thanks for reading. My reader numbers are growing, and I appreciate every one of you that got to this point in my review. Follow me on Twitter (act now to be follower #169!) @Nerdkungfu. Any comments on this movie or review feel free to post here. Any off topic questions or suggestion feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Here Come the Boom Review
What could possibly make Kevin James more appealing? How about Kevin James in a unitard?
That’s a little unfair I guess. I actually enjoyed this movie. I think it’s fair to say that to date I have not treated Kevin James movies with the kindest hand. For the most part I find them to be lame remakes of King of Queens but instead of playing a fat loser UPS driver with an incredibly hot wife he plays a fat loser job X with the incredibly hot wife/girlfriend. There’s only so much Kevin James looking lame in a dumb uniform that I can handle.
This movie manages to exceed the boundaries of the genre. The Kevin James genre that is. Sure, he plays a fat high school teacher who ends up within a hot girlfriend (Selma Hayek). However it didn’t annoy me like it usually does and I found myself rooting for his character. Maybe it’s because he kept getting his ass beaten over and over.
This movie had other elements that worked as well. The characters were all interesting and well-developed, especially Henry Winkler. The story had no glaringly obvious potholes, except of course for the obvious one of a 42-year-old high school biology teacher beating fighting and winning against an MMA champion who looks like a white Hulk. But generally it was a fun, harmless movie.
The story follows the general Rocky, Bad news Bears, Kevin James formula (Rocky image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Scott Voss (Kevin James-the Zookeeper, King of Queesn, Paul Blart, Mall Cop) is a high school biology teacher who is kind of on his ass not giving a damn about teaching anymore. He is on the outs with his principle (Greg Germann-Bolt, Ally McBeal, Sweet November), who is sort of the villain but not really. He is also into the school nurse Betty (Selma Hayek-Desperado, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Frida. As an aside, our school followed the “I hope you know how to put on your own band aid because if you get hurt you will bleed to death” policy of not having a school nurse but if we had had one this hot I would have managed to get hurt every day) who consistently rejects him. He is friends with the music teacher Marty Streb (Henry Winkler-Happy Days, the Water Boy, Night Shift) who is dedicated to helping his kids. Unfortunately the principal has to announce the cessation of all extracurricular activities due to lack of budget.
Any of this sounding familiar? Scott meets an MMA trainer named Niko (Bas Rutten-the Smashing Machine, Paul Blart, Mall Cop, Inside MMA). Once he learns what even losing MMA fighters earn he decides to train to be an MMA fighter and donate his winnings to saving the music program. After that it’s pretty much fat Rocky. There is a sub plot about a girl in the music programs who’s father needs her to work at his restaurant, Niko’s trying to pass the citizenship test, and Scotts father or brother (I really couldn’t figure it out) hating his job. Honestly they were all pretty minor and managed to not derail the plot at all.
Scott eventually ends up in the octagon with a bad ass MMA fighter known as the Executioner (Krzysztof Soszynski-the Ultimate Fighter, CSI) who looks like he chews on railroad ties for breakfast. There is some cool stuff in the background about how the MMA sets up and supports stuff like this that may or may not be real.
The stars. The actual fighting was kind of cool. Hokey in a Three Stooges kind of way at first but got better as Scotts skills advanced, showing a nice progression. One star. Henry Winkler was pretty awesome. One star. The entire rest of the cast managed to deliver a fine performance, and even the actual MMA fighters used in the film did a really good job of it (normally athletes pulled into movies are the death knell of the acting qualities. Just look at Shaun White in Friends With Benefits). One star. Selma Hayek can grace my screen any time she likes, if you know what I mean. One star. By the end of the film I found myself actually rooting for Scott, which means they managed to get me to connect with the protagonist. Always a good move for a movie. One star. In spite of what I was expecting (suckage) it was a good and fun film experience. One star. Total: six stars.
The black holes. The entire concept of a 43 year old overweight guy beating anyone in MMA is laughable. One black hole. You spend a lot of time seeing Kevin James in a unitard. That’s a lot of dumpy white guy to have to look at. One black hole. Total: two black holes.
A grand total of four stars. Honestly I’m as surprised as anyone. In concept this looked to be a lame as possible without starring Nicholas Cage. However, I have to say I enjoyed it quite a bit. Should you see it? Sure, why not? It won’t surprise you but it won’t offend you. I’d say the best word for it is safe. Date movie? Actually yes. It has a good, uplifting message and Kevin James is one actor you can probably count on looking at least decent in comparison. Bathroom break? A big stretch of the movie is training montage and none of that is really too critical. If I had to pick a point I’d say the scene where Niko is teaching his yoga class could readily be missed, and it’s towards the second half so it would serve you well. The movie is 105 minutes so it’s not too long, but maybe just long enough to need a break.
Thanks for reading. I also saw Seven Psychopaths and will review that one tomorrow morning. I will try to see Argo and Sinister this week. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Post any comments you have on this film or my review here. Off topic questions or comments can be emailed to [email protected]. Talk to you soon. Have a great day.
Dave
Cold Light of Day Review
Yawn-tastic.
It’s rare that you see such a blatant use of the old bait-and-switch gambit in movie making. The other night while considering what movie to subject myself to I came across this film and saw that it featured Bruce Willis. I am a Bruce Willis fan and have found that he brings a lot of intensity and actual acting ability to action films. I checked out a trailer and saw he was featured prominently so I figured “How bad can it be? Even Hudson Hawk was entertaining”.
However, 15 minutes into the film Bruce’s character proves to have a fatal allergy to bullets, leaving us with Henry Cavill grinding through some of the most formulaic spy movie garbage possible. If there were a spy movie drinking game this film would have had me carted off with alcohol poisoning by the third act. If you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen this movie.
Again, the thing that frustrates me is that this movie did have some elements that might have saved it. Henry Cavill did his best with what he had. Sigourney Weaver is always worth watching. Some of the driving action was pretty good. The Spanish girl they got to play the female eye candy was reasonably hot.
However, this film seems motivated to prove the Third Law of Thermodynamics: for every force or action there is an equal and opposite force or action (or in this case film element). For all of Henrys effort in doing something with his character the rest of the cast acted like animatronic characters from a Disneyland ride. Sigourney Weaver Skyped in her performance, and her character gave us no real reason to either love or hate her. The chase scenes are well executed, but the jerky editing really takes you out of the immersion into a rancid theater seat with some homeless guy in the row ahead of you coughing up phlegm (I don’t know for sure he was homeless). The hot girl turns out to be the protagonists sister, bleeding any potential romance and secondary nuance into the afterlife with Bruce Willis.
And of course, the story is dry, boring, plot hole riddled, and ultimately lacking in anything to draw you in. You can watch the entirety of the film and never once feel your pulse quicken or your eyes open all the way.
The only thing that got my blood moving is an ugly trend I see in movie titles. It turns out in the last few years the need for a movie title to actually have anything to do with the movie is way more optional than most of us would imagine. Remember when Fight Club would describe a film about a club for fighting? Star Wars was about wars among the stars, Dusk Till Dawn was about surviving until morning, and Sex and the City was about a mythical (in my recent experience) city wherein sex would occur. Instead we get a lot of movies that seemed to be named by a marketing research department with no regard for the actual content of the film. This movie shares a lot in common with the movie Abduction, and one of those things is the worthlessness of the title. There is nothing in the film that remotely implies some significance to light, cold, or day. In fact a lot of the film takes place at night in what looks like a balmy Spanish city.
Anyway, the film. Will (Henry Cavill-the Tudors, Immortals, Man of Steel. By the way, I will say his acting ability has improved since Immortals) is a businessman flying into Spain to spend a week with his family; his enabling younger brother (Rafi Gavron), alchoholic mother (Caroline Goodall-Schindlers List, Cliffhanger, Hook), the brothers girlfriend (Emma Hamilton-the Tudors, Into the Storm, Friends Forever), and his father Martin (Bruce Willis-Die Hard, Sixth Sense, Fifth Element). Turns out his business is going bankrupt. Martin is a domineering jerk and the family does some social things and some attempt is made at developing the father/son antagonistic relationship. This all would have been handy if Martin hadn’t died 10 minutes later and the rest of his family gotten locked in a box for the rest of the film. Anyway, Will has a fight and swims to shore. While there the boat moves and it turns out the entire family is missing. They have been kidnapped and Martin has been working for the CIA as some kind of agent. 
He rescues Will from the local corrupt law enforcement and meets with Carrack (Sigourney Weaver-Alien, Paul, Heart Breakers. Alien image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt Category). After the meeting he gets shot.
Honestly, that is about when the story started to come apart in terms of keeping me interested. Will gets chases by a bad guy and accused of killing a Spanish policeman. He meets up with Carrack who turns out to want nothing(?) from him or something. He tracks down a friend of his dad and a hot girl (Verónica Echegui-Bunny and the Bull, My Name is Juani) who turns out to be his half sister. The bad guys turn out to be kind of good somehow, and Carrack is supposed to want to kill his whole family for no reason. There is a massive car chase and gun battle that no one in the city seems to care about.
The stars. The girl is pretty much what my dream woman should plan on looking like. One star. Even in bad movies I enjoy seeing both Sigourney Weaver and Bruce Willis. One star. I’ll give half a star for Henry Cavill doing his best with the role, and another half star for some of the driving action. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Having the main reason I saw this film disappear after 20 minutes. One black hole. Overall kind of boring and pointless. One black hole. Mediocre acting from pretty much everyone. One black hole. Some big giant plot holes and lack of motivation. One black hole. There was this huge mystery surrounding the contents of a briefcase, and at the end of the film not only did they fail to tell you what the hell was in it but they failed to impart any kind of meaning or point to the film. This isn’t Pulp Fiction. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
So a total of two black holes. It has been a while since I had a review in the negative. Either I am getting soft or have so become acclimatized to banality and mediocrity that even crap is starting to look good to me. I need to tighten up and be more merciless. Is there anything to make you want to go see this film? Not really. On the other hand there really isn’t anything so bad to make you not want to go see this film. If you watch it you will be occupied for 93 minutes and not really regret the time, but honestly you would be better reading a good book. Date movie? I supposed, if what you are looking for is bland, PG-13 action with no surprises. The lack of romance will not get her thinking in the right direction however so maybe not. Bathroom break? I’d say the scene in the club when they are treating Will’s gunshot wound with a magic spoon (I wish I were kidding) is pretty worthless.
Thanks for reading. More stuff coming out soon. Plus I have some more Star Trek related things to talk about. I know you can’t get enough of that. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu. Feel free to comment here on this film or my review. If you have an off topic question or comment email me at [email protected]. Thanks again. Talk to you soon.
Dave
