The Raven Movie Review
When was this movie supposed to get interesting? Nevermore.
I’m not saying this movie was particularly bad or annoying. It’s just really generic. If you took Seven, mixed in equal parts of Sherlock Holmes and Scooby Doo, added a dash Batman’s the Riddler, and let it simmer for 111 minutes this is the film you would get.
The problems with this film is it just fails to meet expectations. The plot isn’t bad. However, given the source material and claims of being a mystery movie you would expect some kind of plot twist or horrific reveal. Instead we get a led by the nose mystery wherein the villain supplies handwritten clues for Poe to decode and a denouement that ends up being almost random. There is no satisfaction in a mystery solved when the killer just steps out and reveals himself. In spite of the fact that Edgar Allen Poe wrote of some of the most horrifically grisly murders imaginable and this movie has an R rating, with the exception of the pendulum scene all the murders are neutered of all gore and grimness. I saw a more graphic murder last night on the British Being Human. John Cusack acquits himself well but the character he has been given just doesn’t really feel like I would imagine Poe being; a tortured, melancholy, dark alcoholic who revels in gallows humor. Instead we basically get Sherlock Holmes without the deductive ability or English accent.
I think a big part of the disappointment for me is the fact that I am a John Cusack fan. 
He has been in several of my favorite movies, including Better Off Dead, Hi Fidelity, Gross Pointe Blank, and even Hot Tub Time Machine (Cherobly image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). I think he is a talented actor and I enjoy his performances, even in this one. He brings real to the screen.
The story is of course about the last days of Edgar Allen Poe, American literary hero and father of modern horror. He is a destitute alcoholic who is struggling to make money from his past writing and fame. He is also in love with daughter of a rich Baltimore socialite, Emily (Alice Eve-Big Nothing, She’s Out of My League, Sex and the City 2). Her father (Brendan Gleeson-Troy, Gangs of New York, Braveheart) wisely thinks he is bad news and hates him. Meanwhile across town two women are murdered in a scene lifted from one of Poe’s stories. The detective (Like Evans-the Immortals, Clash of the Titans, the Three Musketeers) investigating regonizes the scene and hauls Poe in for questioning. Meanwhile a fat man suffer the Pit and the Pendulum death in the only murder scene worth anything. Turns out he was a literary rival of Poe and suspicion falls on him again. However, he (somehow?) convinces Detective Fields of his innocence and agrees to help in the investigation. Emily gets kidnapped out of a party and at that point the killer starts sending notes to Poe instructing him to follow the clues and keep investigating the murders or she dies.
Honestly if you took a massive bathroom break after the kidnap and came back about two minutes before the murderer is revealed you wouldn’t miss much (and as an aside, my recommendation for a bathroom break is any time after Emily gets kidnapped). Stuff happens. A couple more people die. A string of Scooby Doo-esque clues are followed. Other stuff happens. There is a fire in a random building that turns out to be Poe’s home so he moves in with Fields (did I mention there were elements of the Odd Couple in this?).
The stars. John Cusack did a good job with the acting. One star. I like the source material. One star. I am a fan of that period of American History, and they kept it in tone. One star. The pendulum scene was as grisly and horrible as the rest of the movie was not, in a good way. One star. Overall executed competently, with good pacing, dialog, and camera work with no obvious continuity issues or plot holes. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. A real failing to live up to it’s potential, but in plot and rated R material. I’m not asking for nudity here (although a little would have been appreciated) but if you are getting an R anyway why not make this fit in with the world in Edgar Allen Poe’s head? One black hole. With the exception of Fields and Poe, most of the characters were at best expository noise holes. Very two dimensional, even the killer. One black hole. I’m going to hit them for being derivative of a bunch of other movies without really taking a very singular character and making an original film around him. Basically a generic, boilerplate serial murder film sans horror. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
A grand total of two stars. At least it stays positive. I won’t say I regret the time or money I spent on it, because really I didn’t. It’s not a bad, and there are parts you can really appreciate. I just don’t know if it really holds up to a lot of the other movies coming out right now. I think this movie will do great as a late night let’s just watch something kind of film. Date movie? Not really, unless she is a huge John Cusack fan.
Thanks for reading. I will see Safe and Pirates this week, so keep checking back. Also, something Jason wrote the other day about female superhero movies got me thinking about it and discussing it with my friend, so I think I will write something about that tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu or email me at [email protected] if you have any specific questions or suggestions (or if you work for a studio and want to hook me up with some kind of advanced screening). If you have comments about this review feel free to post here. Talk to you soon.
Dave
The Three Stooges Movie Review
This film goes from zero to suxty in 0.00023 seconds.
It’s rare that movies start off sucking from the very first scene. Most films ease into suckage, like a proctologist giving you a Valium and telling you to try to relax before starting the colonoscopy. Either that or they have a few minutes of nice, soothing credits to take your mind off the pain to come. This movie, however, leaps right into the deep end of the suck pool from the very first few seconds with a huge rock tied around it’s feet.
It should be noted that I am in fact a huge Three Stooges fan, which probably contributed to the bile you are about to read regarding this bad idea of a movie. Many a childhood afternoon (and, for that matter, adult) was spent enjoying Larry, Moe, and Curly going through their Stooge antics (and, to a lesser extent, Shemp. Curly Joe we won’t discuss here). They were truly comedic geniuses, combining hilarious characters, brilliant dialog, ridiculous situations, and awesome physical humor into a layer cake that has never been duplicated (nor should anyone ever attempt to do so, a thought I wish had occurred to the Farrelly brothers a couple years ago. Three Stooges image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
I would also like to add that I am for the most part a fan of the Farrelly brothers movies. Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary will always rank up as some of my favorite film. I am just going to have to call this one “that movie”. You know. “All the films by the Farrelly Brothers were great except for ‘that movie’.” This will likely be the film that ten years from now in interviews they will point to this film as the one that got away from them, or they were on serious drugs when they wrote the script (I don’t know if they do any drugs, but for the sake of my respect for their movie making skills I kind of hope so). I think my biggest disappointment in this film is that these guys opted to just do a bad remake rather than put the work in to make a good original film.
The problem is the Three Stooges aren’t really about Moe, Larry, and Curly as characters. They are about the comedic genius of Moses Horwitz, Louis Feinberg, and Jerome Horwitz who spent years honing their comedy and had a working chemistry that played brilliantly off each others strengths and weaknesses. You can’t recreate that by getting three guys who look vaguely like them and write a script. You can’t create that genius under direction. Half the time they were ad libbing anyway. They had 20 years of vaudeville experience before ever setting foot in front of a camera, and the thing about vaudeville was if you sucked you got booed off the stage. While the three guys did a decent imitation of Moe, Larry, and Curly they really didn’t have the timing, action, and pacing down well enough to be a tribute.
As I implied in my subtitle, the film starts off badly painfully with a bunch of orphans singing. I consider it a credit to my own humanity that I have never wanted to hit or injure a child in any way, but the opening few minutes really put that whole “never murder a child” resolution to the text. A duffel bag is thrown out of a moving car and the nun opens it up to reveal the three baby Stooges.
This is the first point at which it is driven home that we are not actually watching the Three Stooges (I can’t say the movie ran off the rails, as I don’t think it even knew where the train station was). You see, if this were an actual Three Stooges short or film and they needed baby Stooges the wouldn’t have cast three actual babies with bad hair. The Stooges would have dressed up as babies and continued with the schtick. This is even more driven home when they are shown a few minutes later as ten year old boys. Adult Stooges dressed up as kids with a giant lollypop is hilarious. 20 minutes of ten year olds doing a bad Stooges impersonation is excruciating. It’s like being dragged to the school play of the kid of a guy you see at work once in a while. This scene, which should have lasted 4 minutes (if it was even necessary) drags on as if one of the kid actors was the editors son.
Anyway, we finally get to the Stooges as adults (for the record they are Chris Diamantopoulos-Under New Management, Wedding Daze, Behind the Camera: the Unauthorized Behind the Scenes of Mork and Mindy(???); Sean Hayes-Will and Grace, the Bucket List, Parks and Rec; and Will Sasso-MadTV, Best in Show, Less Than Perfect). The live at the orphanage still doing odd jobs. We are treated to some decent if farcical Stooges-like antics, only to discover the orphanage is being closed if they can’t come up with $830,000. The boys decide to head out and find the money (Mission from God? Anyone else think this smacks heavily of the Blues Brothers? Again, I would have expected more from the Farrelly’s). They head off to the world they know nothing about (again, a failure to connect with the actual Stooges. The three were dumb, but not babes in the woods. In their own way the characters were canny and street wise). A super hot woman (Sofia Vergara-Modern Family, the Smurfs, Four Brothers) and her boyfriend want to kill her husband and promise the Stooges the money they need if they smother him in his sleep.
This is the final nail in the “We’re not in Kansas anymore” Stooges coffin. Sure the couple used some trickery to convince them this was the thing the victim really wanted, but in the real Stooges the three were in all ways decent guys. If they got into trouble with the law it was because they were “victims of circumstance” more than anything else. They always tried to do the right thing within the limits of their abilities (except for the ones where Moe played a spoof of Hitler) and were often motivated to help people.
The plot kicks off from there. The Stooges meet an old childhood chum (Kirby Heyborne-Saints and Soldiers, Pirates of the Great Salt Lake, The R.M.) and reconnect with him. The Stooges failed to kill their victim the first time and are off looking for him. At one point they dress as doctors and nurses and use babies as urine Super Soakers on each other (I have stated that rated R comedies now require baby excrement jokes. I guess PG means baby urine). I wish I was kidding. I can’t really see the Stooges condoning this, although at one point they did give a baby a loaded handgun. Then, just when you think you can’t hate the new Stooges anymore, the cast from the Jersey Shore crops up like a herpes sore. Again, I wish I were kidding. They are here, and not just for a few second cameo. Whatever connection this movie had to the original Stooges is more or less broken irrevocably and the movie is officially transformed into absolute drivel, although I have to admit I did enjoy seeing some of those failed abortions get slapped around by Moe.
As an aside, could the Farrelly brothers found a worse reality TV show to try to tie into? The show has really lost its popularity and even when it was hot it was truly polarizing (between the people who liked it and the people with two functioning brain hemispheres). Overall felt really dated. Kind of like the one reality show that answered the phone the day before shooting started.
The stars. I did catch myself laughing a few times. One scene in particular when the three guys were beating on each other on a stage, and some of the earlier scenes with one of the nuns from the orphanage. Also, there was some entertainment to be had watching Snookie get the double poke in the eyes. One star. Sofia Vegara seems to only play complete bitches in the movies I have seen, but I would probably let her stomp on my fingers for a chance at a date with her. One star. That’s it. Two stars.
The black holes. The whole Three Stooges remake concept in general. One black hole. A failure to really understand what makes the Stooges cool or connect properly with what they do. Two black holes. The film is laced with dopey kids who made me yearn for the quality acting and emoting of young Anakin Skywalker from the Phantom Menace. One black hole. Having three of those kids do a painful Three Stooges imitation for an extended period of time. One black hole. Making the Stooges out to be willing to kill someone. One black hole. Hiring actors not known for their physical comedy to do physical comedy. One black hole. Baby urine squirt guns. One black hole. The Jersey Shore. One black hole. A pat ending drawn from so far out of the the writers ass that it came with a free set of tonsils. One black hole. Total: ten black holes.
A grand total of eight black holes. I would love to tell you to not go see this but really, what’s the point? If you are the type to see it you will regardless of what I might say, and if you have any taste or discretion at all you will most likely have already discerned how much it blows and will avoid it anyway. Besides, it doesn’t matter if the movie bombs in America or not. Anything with this much physical comedy is going to kill in the foreign markets, making us slaves foreign cultures. I will say that while I was desperately searching my armrests for a fast forward button or hidden compartment with a handy cyanide pill in it a lot of the rest of the audience was laughing their (dumb) asses off. The fact that I saw it mid day on a Sunday for $5 might be a contributing factor to the audience’s intellect level, but perhaps I really don’t have a grasp on what people like these days. So if you are entertained by idiotic remakes of things that don’t need to be remade by all means go see it. Date movie? Hell no. Women hate the Three Stooges even when it is good. They don’t have the gene to see the quality of that performance (that’s OK. Men lack the gene that would allow us to find Sex in the City entertaining) and odds are she will hate you for subjecting her to it.
Thanks for reading. I saw Lockout this evening and will review it tomorrow morning. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or send me an email at [email protected] if you have specific questions or suggestions. Feel free to leave comments here if you have something specific to say on this review. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Mirror Mirror Review
Not as funny as I had hoped it would be.
I try hard to not get sucked into the hype surrounding the trailers for upcoming movies. I know that often they can simply be the six best moments in the entirety of the film (and in some cases, actually really funny scenes that got cut from the final production). In fact, I frequently find that most trailers either oversell the film or, in many tragic cases, undersell them. The trailers for the Grey had me convinced it was going to be a fairly rote survival movie, and when I saw it I was kind of blown away by how good it was.
So the trailers for Mirror Mirror had me thinking it was going to be a dopey story but that Julia Roberts, whom I think is great, would carry the film by being the bitterly sarcastic megalomaniac character that I love. The few scenes they showed definitely seemed to imply it. However, I probably should have taken a look at the credits and realized that directory Tarsem Singh was also the creator of crime-against-storytelling the Immortals. He also did the Cell, which I always liked, but still he is not known for his story delivery.
What he is known for is amazing visuals, and that definitely shows here. Be it a CGI castle in a cliff, the amazing dresses Julia Roberts wears throughout, or even something as simple as a winter forest every scene screams amazing eye candy, which I did enjoy a lot. The action was farcical but fun, and every shot was done with loving care.
That’s the part that frustrates me about this film. All the pieces of a great, funny film are present. Great camera work. Awesome costume design. Good, creative CGI. Good source material. I thought Julia Roberts did an admirable job as the queen, and her interactions with her toady yes man Brighton (Nathan Lane-The Lion King, Bird Cage, the Producers) were easily the funniest parts of the film. Lily Collins (the Blind Side, Priest, Abduction) managed to be more than a pretty face, and leading man Armie Hammer seemed to catch onto what this movie was supposed to be about and seemed really into the spirit of it. The Seven Dwarfs (Jordan Prentice, Mark Povinelli, Joe Gnoffo, Danny Woodburn, Sebastian Saraceno, Martin Klebba, and Ronald Lee Clark) had the potential to be a real comedy asset, although they got sidetracked into being more the Seven Samurai and less the Three Stooges. It looked like you could really craft something great out of all these parts.
However, like a building made of all the best bricks money can buy but put together with a mix of sawdust, chewing gum, and peanut butter the quality parts of this film never really stick together and fall apart by the end. The story was plagued by continuity problems that bugged the hell out of me. All the characters except the queen lacked any kind of clear motivation to do any of the things they do. The comedy kept shifting tone from acerbic dry humor to goofy kiddy humor (think You Can’t do that on Television as performed by adults) with smatterings of slapstick, none of which really worked off each other and all kind of died on the vine. While the dialog between the Queen and Brighton was good, the rest of it lacked any real impact and the the quick camera work, more apropos for an action scene, robbed a lot of it of any impetuous. There was a dark undertone in the form of the queen really being some kind of Baba Yaga style witch (or at least her alter ego was) that kind of detracted from the lighthearted nature of the rest of the scenes, but that undertone itself was robbed of any gravitas by the lighthearted parts. It was a snake eating its own tail.
Anyway, the story is about as basic as possible. Snow White (Lily Collins) is under the care of the evil(ish) Queen (Julia Roberts) after her father mysteriously disappears in the forest shortly after marrying the queen. The queen is taxing the hell out of the peasants to pay for her Paris Hilton-esque lifestyle while claiming it is all for defense against a mysterious man eating beast in the forest. Snow White goes out in the world to observe what is going on (cleverly disguised as a commoner in her solid gold robe) and discovers the prince and his valet tied up after being robbed by the seven dwarfs (who use expanding stilts that bugged me at first but I got to like by the end). They experience fairy tale love at first sight but pass on. The prince ends up at a ball at the palace where the queen plans to entice him and marry him for his money. Snow White crashes the party and they meet again. The queen sends her to the forest to be killed with Brighton, but he balks and she ends up with the dwarfs.
If your experience with Hollywood and fairy tales hasn’t let you know how this story is going to go from here email me and let me know what kind of Skinner box you were raised in. The Dwarfs aid Snow in getting the prince back. A kiss to break a magic spell in involved. No surprises arise to derail the train before it’s last stop at Mundania.
The stars. Great visual movie. One star. Costuming was really, really good. One star. For the most part acting was well done across the board. One star. Some funny moments, and some of the dialog worth a chuckle. One star. Julia Roberts and Lily Collins are both easy on the eyes. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. Pacing/continuity issues that bugged me (one example might be a training montage that turned Snow White from a fairy princess into a deadly warrior in like an afternoon of elapsed movie time). One black hole. Overall not as funny as I think it should have been. One black hole. Story felt disjointed, and lacked a real tone. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
One star total. If any of you have read any of my other reviews you should be able to tell when I am ambivalent about a film by the relatively low numbers of either stars or black holes I give it. Is it worth seeing? Sure, if you just want something that won’t strain your brain and might impress you with some great dresses or scenery. If you are a Julia Roberts fan you might very well enjoy it. Is it a must see? No, not really. You won’t walk away from this film with any kind of enrichment, and in six months it’ll be one of the many “Oh, I saw that” films. However, if are are going to see it you might well benefit from a big screen for the imagery, so consider going to a theater.
Thanks for reading. I am seeing the Raid: Redemption tonight. It is an Indonesian movie and looks freaking amazing. I am a huge martial arts film fan and think this could be awesome. Look for my review on it tomorrow (Invisible Fist image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category). Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Kick Ass 2 is looking kind of Kick Ass
So I was reading a little about the new Kick Ass sequel this morning and actually did something I hate doing, which is research. It seems that at first the original director, Matthew Vaughn, was not going to do it which is always the first recipe for suck. However, it looks now like he is going to step in as a producer. I don’t really know what the difference is between those two jobs or how much more influence the producer could have, but this is promising. Dave is the one who pays more attention to these sorts of things, but I always thought the director did 90% of the work and the producer made sure the staff had enough coffee and donuts on hand. However, if he is involved in any way that lends promise to the sequel.
By the way, I found out Dave does not have any Kick Ass t-shirts on his site, but I did find this pretty kick ass Bruce Lee shirt in his movie t shirts. Seemed appropriate, given how much ass Bruce kicked in his life.
Anyway, unlike most of the posts I do about sequels where I think they are a dumb waste of time, I am looking forward to this. Normally 11 year old girls beating the hell out of adults bugs me, but this one made it work, and Chloe Moretz has said she is going to do it, so that is very cool.
Jason
Casa de mi Padre Review
I’m pretty sure they had a point, but I can’t figure out what the hell it was.
Casa de mi Padre is a study in “sort ofs”. It’s sort of funny. It’s sort of dumb. It’s sort of a spoof on a movie that sort of started off as a spoof. The cast sort of plays the roles seriously, while the entire movie is sort of silly. It’s sort of like watching a SNL 15 minute skit stretched out to 84 minutes, and it’s sort of like watching 84 minutes of Mexican drama on Telemundo.
One thing this movie is definitely not sort of is well paced. The film drags for comedic effect, because slow is always funny. At least one person in the row in front of me fell asleep and started snoring, and I was seriously wishing I could turn on my phone to check my email. That being said, most of the audience was laughing, but it was that special kind of desperate laughter one gets when they believe something should be funnier than it really is. Kind of like when you pay good money for a movie touted as a comedy that seems to have all the elements of funny, but doesn’t quite add up to really gut busting and you end up forcing yourself to laugh in order to not feel like you just got ripped off.
The one running gag was purposeful editing and continuity errors. Bad animatronic animals, painted on backdrops, horrible stunt man doubles, and repeated driving footage resound. It all would have been really campy and funny if they had purposefully shot it with poor quality camera effects, but the camera work was fairly flawless, making the dopey purposeful film errors seem really forced and fake. Honestly, if they had ramped the film effects back to the level of say, Six String Samurai, then it would have truly played out as a great spoof and tribute to Mexican drama. Instead it was like some jackass hipster wearing clothing from the local thrift store in spite of making six figures in order to seem more “real”.
The story. Will Ferrell (Zoolander, Stranger than Fiction, Anchorman, Talladega Nights. Zoolander image courtesy of the Movie T-Shirt category) plays Armando, son of a Mexican rancher and generally fairly dopey guy. His father has some ill defined problems but thinks Armando is to dumb to help. Armando’s brother Raul (Diego Luna-the Terminal, Y Tu Mamá También, Milk) comes home with his gorgeous fiance Sonia (Genesis Rodriguez-Prisonera, Man on a Ledge, Doña Bárbara. By the way, I said in my Man on a Ledge review that Genesis is my dream woman, and this movie only reinforced it). Armando finds out that Raul is involved in the drug trade and is here to take of the territory of another drug lord, Onza (Gael Garcia Bernal-Bad Education, the Science of Sleep, the Motorcycle Diaries). Armando confronts Raul and is uninvited from the wedding by his father. At the wedding the script gets hijacked by Scarface and the father is killed. Armando is shot, and while dying is visited by his spirit animal and has a dream vision that looks like the bullets were all laced with peyote. At that point it devolves into a goofy shooter that was equal parts Scarface, Police Academy, and the Three Stooges.
Anyway, the stars. There were portions of this film that were really funny. Two stars. I don’t know if Will Ferrell speaks Spanish or not, but he managed to make the role seem believable and passionate. One star. Genesis Rodriguez will always get a star from me. One star. I am also a fan of Will Ferrell from his Zoolander and Elf days. One star. Total: five stars.
The black holes. Pacing like watching a zombie horde cross a rocky slope. One black hole. Taking 20 minutes of funny and stretching it into 84. One black hole. Failing to deliver a point. One black hole. Total: three black holes.
So a total of two stars. Given the relatively low star and black hole count this movie sits right in the middle of mediocre. I actually left the theater kind of regretting spending the money on time, where even a really bad movie I often feel like I got something out of it. Worth seeing? If you are a Will Ferrell fan or watch a lot of Telemundo sure. Nothing on here needs to be seen on a big screen. In fact give the bad set backdrops and props it might even look better on a small screen. Netflix it IMO. Date movie? Meh. Like everything else in this film I am right in the middle on this. Maybe if there is nothing else to see.
Thanks for reading. Shortish review but that is what always happens when I get a movie that sits in the middle. Nothing to review tomorrow, but I have a couple things I want to write about so I will come up with something. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me questions or suggestions at [email protected]. Any comments on this review itself feel free to post here. Talk to you soon.
Dave
What’s the deal with Prometheus?
So I have been seeing a lot of trailers about the new movie Prometheus, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell is going on. Is it an Alien prequel? That seems to be the main thrust, and it does show the ship from Alien and some guy with something clamped to his face, but they don’t actually show any aliens. I see a lot of explosions and guys running around in space suits, but while the aliens are seriously implied they are never really shown or directly mentioned.
I for one would really enjoy a movie about aliens, but if this turns into one of those things where there is a lot of drama leading up to the appearance of the aliens and they only appear in the last 2 minutes I am going to be pissed. You know, kind of like the whole Star Wars prequels was supposed to be about Darth Vader and instead we get to see some whine emo kid acting badly, and the only time we actually see Darth Vader is at the end when he acts like a whiny emo kid who can’t act. Don’t do this to me again, dammit.
This cool Alien shirt I found in Dave’s movie t shirts. Talk to you soon.
Jason
A Thousand Words Review
At least eight of them have to be synonyms for “confused”.
I had mixed feelings in anticipation of seeing this film. On the one hand, the trailers made it look like a mediocre rip off of Liar Liar. A fast talking guy who is good at making faces is somehow magically compelled to curtail his speaking behavior. But then I remembered enjoying Eddie in Tower Heist and thinking at the time maybe he had evolved past doing kiddie movies and was back to doing films adults could enjoy.
Unfortunately my first instinct was more correct. I say more, because it wasn’t 100%. Instead of being a rip off on one movie this film is an unhealthy mix of Liar Liar, Groundhog Day, and Jerry Macguire all stuffed into a giant blender, set on puree, and then left in the sun for a couple days. It starts off with a very old school Eddie Murphy slapstick comedy with Eddie playing Jack McCall, smooth and successful literary agent with a gift for gab. Then it shifts over to a mystical lesson being taught by the universe to curtail his bad ways, with a thick frosting of a cheesy spiritual journey to address his daddy issues. You start off kind of laughing and expecting the story to be the Clumps, but by the end of the film you are watching a serious drama with Eddie dealing with his impending death and his feelings for his long estranged and deceased father, his dementia afflicted mother, and his unhappy wife and child. I swear it felt like someone knocked me unconscious and dragged me into a different theater halfway through the screening.
Anyway, the story. Eddie Murphy plays Jack McCall, hotshot literary agent who uses his quick wit and fast tongue to get anything he selfishly desires. His wife (Kerry Washington-the Fantastic Four, Ray, the Last King of Scotland) is unhappy as he refuses to consider moving to a more family friendly house for their infant son. He is given the assignment by his boss (Allison Janney-the West Wing, Juno, Finding Nemo) to secure the rights to a book written by an extremely popular new age guru Dr. Sinja (Cliff Curtis-Training Day, Live Free or Die Hard, Three Kings), who’s whole philosophy (which is never actually explained in any detail) seems to have something to with finding the truth in the silence, or whatever. While signing Dr. Sinja Jack is cursed with a magical tree that pops up in his back yard. Every time he says a word a leaf falls from the tree. Dr. Sinja theorizes that when the tree is out of leaves Jack will die. He agrees to consult with other new age experts on what to do.
At that point some goofy slapstick comedy begins, although to be honest I preferred the smooth talking Eddie Murphy comedy from the first 20 minutes. 
Jack enlists his long abused assistant Aaron Wiseberger (Clark Duke-Hot Tube Time Machine, Kick Ass, Greek. Chernobly (the drink from Hot Tub Time Machine) image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category) to be be the most awkward comic relief sidekick ever (I’m sorry, but this kid is only funny in a nerdy deadpan way. Watching him do schtick felt as natural as watching all the white guys do black jive in Bringing Down the House. Also, it should be considered a comedy warning sign when the writers feel the need to give an actor known for his great comedy a comic relief sidekick). Jack and Aaron bumble and ruin a couple of huge business deals and Jack gets fired. His wife attempts to seduce him but feels since he isn’t talking they cannot communicate and leaves, taking his child with her.
At this point we get into the unnecessary and really unasked for meat of the story, the spiritual journey where Jack learns to choose only words that have real meaning. He runs around making amends to all the people he had abused up until then (specifically the guy at Starbucks (Jack McBrayer-30 Rock, Forgetting Sarah Marshal, Despicable Me) and his building parking attendant). More emotional scenes come in and the whole story gets wrapped up with a bow made entirely of cheddar.
The stars. I do like Eddie Murphy, and he was good in the comedy scenes (if a little dated). One star. While it was a fairly mediocre movie, it weirdly didn’t feel like a mediocre movie. You could almost spot the bone structure of a decent movie under all the flab if crumminess. One star. I don’t want to bury this film in black holes because in spite of everything it was not unwatchable, so I will give it another star for exceeding my (fairly low) expectations. One star. Total: three stars.
The black holes. Extremely derivative. One black hole. Trying to mix three different movies that have no business being on the same screen together. It’s like if instead of mixing chocolate and peanut butter you mixed chocolate and lead paint chips. One black hole. I felt a lot of frustration at Jack McCall’s inability to use simple solutions to fix a couple of his bigger problems. Had he actually explained to his wife early on with a minimum of words the situation it would have saved him a lot of pain. One black hole. The fact is the story never actually make sense, and no attempt is ever made to explain it. One black hole. Attempting to turn a lifetime straight man like Clark Duke into some kind of comedian. One black hole. Eddie Murphy is at his funniest when he is actually talking, so to put a gag on him is a crime against comedy. Furthermore, there were a couple “comedic” scenes I would like to have scrubbed from my cerebral cortex. One black hole. If each individual movie used to create this Frankenstein were studied they would all have major issues. The comedy just wasn’t that funny, the life lesson learned felt forced, and the spiritual journey felt really cheesy and trite. One black hole. Total: eight black holes.
So a grand total of five black holes. Not very good, but not bad enough to prevent you from watching it on a bored Tuesday night at home. Worth paying money to see? Not really, although I didn’t walk away feeling like I had wasted money seeing it. It’s relative inoffensiveness makes it a good film to take your mother to see, but other than that just wait for video. Date movie? I suppose, although really if you want a date movie go see the Vow.
Thanks for reading. I might see Silent House tomorrow if I get the chance. Looks creepy. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu, or feel free to post comments here. If you want to send a suggestion, as a question, or invite me to any upcoming movie screening (I’m still have to see these films after they come out. Come on, Hollywood. Hook me up. I promise any film that invites me to an advanced screening (I’m in the Bay Area) will probably put me in a more receptive mood towards the film. I’m not saying I won’t dump on it if it sucks. I’m just saying I will feel much more guilty for having done so and probably apologize during the review) feel free to email me at [email protected]. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
Project X Review
Project Why?
Movies about kids having amazing fun and sex in high school are difficult for me to review objectively. My high school experience can only be favorable compared to the Bataan Death March. Between high school and my home life the closest thing to fun I had was throwing bottles at concrete walls on the walk home. Thus I am having to struggle on Project X to divorce my personal feelings and accurately judge this movie on it’s on merits.
Fortunately for my desire to hate all movies involving high school kids enjoying life, once I get past my curtain of bitterness the movie more or less sucks. It is the hideously deformed mutant love child of Superbad and the Hangover, only without the premise, good story, jokes, character dynamic, or script. The story is of the laziest quality, mostly being chunks of YouTube found footage with nothing really connecting the pieces beyond the premise of “let’s have the world’s biggest and most destructive party” combined with the important life lesson for teenagers “high school popularity can be gained by throwing the world’s biggest and most destructive party.” 
What is weird is the main writer, Michael Bacall, also wrote Inglorious Basterds and Scott Pilgrim versus the World, two good movies (actually I have issues with Scott Pilgrim, but that is more from personal issues than real problems with the script. Inglorious Basterds poster from the Movie T Shirt category). I can only figure the studio offered him a ton of money to write something Superhangover-ish, and he dashed out the script on a plane flight to Las Vegas.
I could easily say that the lack of story (or anything else) is simply endemic of the whole found footage movie genre, except for the fact that a couple weeks ago I wrote a review for Chronicle and found it to be extremely well done (Devil Inside was decent too). With those as examples of how a found footage film can rise above the limits of, well, being made of found footage, Project X instead takes the attitude that stories and plots are crutches for directors who don’t have the balls take inane party home movie montages and call it a film. Of the 88 minutes that comprise this movie, only about 30 of them were occupied by anything that could be interpreted as necessary for plot advancement or character development. The remaining hour or so is entirely composed of hot girls dancing in hot pants, swimming topless in a pool, kids drinking, doing drugs, breaking things, jumping off things, or generally destroying a house or two.
The part that galls me, however, is all that being said I actually found myself laughing out loud several times and in general enjoying it. I guess there is a reason party videos are fun to watch. There were a couple scenes I found really funny (including all the ones involving little person Martin Klebba, whom I just heard on an interview on the Howard Stern Show. There is nothing funnier than watching a little person punch a guy in the balls). The brief nude scenes and general hotness of the distaff cast was greatly appreciated by my insensitive straight libido, and the general destruction of everything in the house hearkens me back to the days when all I ever wanted to do was destroy a rich persons home.
The story is, in case you were brain dead while reading the last few paragraphs, of a high school kid who’s parents leave town and he and his two friends destroy the entire neighborhood with the Little Boy of house parties. That’s pretty much it. There is some kind of sub plot involving the main kid Thomas (Thomas Mann. No real credits worth mentioning) having a thing for his childhood friend Kirby (Kirby Bliss Blanton-not a whole lot of credits more than Thomas. She did a couple episodes of Entourage), who is supposed to be the plain Jane that he falls for because of her personality rather than because she was so hot she made my teeth ache. He screws that up by hooking up with the hottest girl in the school Alexis (Alexis Knapp-Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, Couple Retreat, Look). There is another sub plot about a ripped off drug dealer who shows but I can’t remember the point of that really.
By the way, is it worrisome that all the actors in this film are playing characters named after themselves? I guess this is an attempt to make this actually look like a real video, but I can’t help but think this is just more lazy film making.
Anyway, kids get drunk. Stuff gets wrecked. Girls are for the most part treated with the same respect you would accord any group of crack addicted strippers (I’m sure the feminists of the world will be thanking the film producers for such an advancement). The story, which started out lagging, is more or less forgotten for about 50 minutes straight. Then, like a collage student suddenly remembering a term paper due in two hours, kicks in for the last 10 minutes in an attempt to actually give the story some kind of conclusion (and more or less failing).
The stars. Like I said, the film had some funny moments and I found myself laughing. One star. Lots of hot women, with some marginally rated R nudity. One star. For some reason this film got a much better performance out of most of the actors than it really deserved. Either the cast is comprised of some really talented future actors or it doesn’t take much of a stretch for teenagers to act like drunken morons at a party. One star. In spite of everything, it wasn’t unfun to watch. One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. No story. Two black holes. Completely derivative of (or ripped off from) Superbad and the Hangover. Two black holes. The few plot devices actually wedged between dance party scenes (like why was there a camera guy filming the whole thing, etc) were hamhanded and crude. One black hole. My personal hatred of films trying to convince the world how much fun high school is (if you actually enjoyed high school disregard this one. Also, know that I hate you). One black hole. The fact that the lack of story and the found footage format made me feel like I just spent 88 minutes watching random YouTube videos. Seriously, I kept wanting to minimize the screen and check my email. One black hole. There was one particular character I kept hoping would die of alcohol poisoning. One black hole. The title of the film has nothing to do with the film itself. Would someone please tell the producers that the whole “add X to a title automatically makes it cooler” phenomenon is pretty much overplayed and done. Kids are for the most part wise to that. One black hole. Total: nine black holes.
So a grand total of five black holes. Pretty bad, although to be honest based on the trailers I thought it would score much worse. Like I said, it is not not fun to watch. If you are in high school (or are one of those losers who keeps wishing he was back in high school) you might enjoy it. If you can sneak a bottle of Night Train into the theater with you and proceed to down it odds are you will love this film. Good date movie? Absolutely not. Worth seeing in a theater? Honestly, no. The best treatment for this film would be to wait for it to come out on video and then watch it at home with a bunch of your friends and a large supply of alcohol.
Thanks for reading. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu, or post a comment here or via email at [email protected]. I just notice Jason hasn’t posted anything recently either so I will get him back on track here. I can’t do a movie review every day. There are a couple movies floating around that I haven’t seen like Gone or Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds, so I will see what I can see this week. Thanks again. Talk to you all soon.
Dave
The Post Oscarlyptic Review
I should have done this yesterday, but this week is kind of crazy. I don’t really want to tell you what I have going on, as it makes me look like an uber dork, but I will. I have a tournament for Warhammer coming up this weekend and have to get four new models painted before Friday. Wish me luck at the tournament please.
Anyway, I did not actually watch the Oscars. Watching the massively wealthy, successful, and great looking people of Hollywood give each other phallic golden statues kind of annoys me, and some of the acceptance speeches by actors or actresses I formally respected makes me regret having ever seen a movie in my life. From what I heard about the event I didn’t miss much. Sounds like the same bland pap and smug self congratulatory ass kissing that goes on every year, although according to reports this year got even more boring.
However, I would be remiss in my duties as a self proclaimed movie reviewer if I did not at least comment on what movies got what awards. For the most part I was not grievously offended by most of the awards, and was gratified to see that Tree of Life got what it deserved, which was el zilcho (and in truth the director should be parking cars at the Oscars next year). I’ll go through them in the order of the list I just found on the interlink.
Best Cinematography-Hugo. This makes sense. Given that Martin Scorsese seems to have done this movie more to learn new filming techniques and 3D it works for me that he would do some amazing cinematography. Also he is a brilliant director and knows his way around a camera. Hugo image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category.
Best Art Direction-Hugo. Again, this film was made for amazing visuals, and the sets and props in this movie rocked.
Best Costume Design–The Artist. Didn’t see it. Probably not going to see it. I know. I’m a neanderthal. From what I saw the costumes looked pretty good, and nothing else jumps into my mind for great costumes.
Best Make Up–The Iron Lady. This one threw me off at first. When I think of Best Make Up I go to Evil Ash from Army of Darkness. But then I thought about this movie and the way the make up artist successfully made Meryl Streep look both young and vibrant and old and decrepit. I lot of that goes to Streeps acting ability, but a healthy share belongs to the make up. Kudos.
Best Foreign Language Film-A Separation. Didn’t see it. I just looked it up and odds are I should see it, although I think I might find it depressing.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role–Octavia Spencer, the Help. I applaud this choice. I loved her in this movie and thought she really rocked it. I was torn on this one between her and Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids. I think they made a good choice here, however.
Best Film Editing–The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I can see this. I thought the pacing of this movie was excellent, and that is a reflection of the editing.
Best Sound Editing-Hugo. It seemed pretty obvious to me that Hugo was destined to win all the technical awards. Sound was good in this one.
Best Sound Mixing-Hugo. Has there ever been a movie that won Best Sound Editing that hasn’t won Best Sound Mixing? Why are they really separate awards?
Best Documentary Feature-Undefeated. Didn’t see this one. Documentary films rarely do much for me, unless it’s about Star Trek fans.
Best Animated Film-Rango. I can see this. I didn’t review this film as I saw it on video but it was certainly good. Better than Tintin.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role–Christopher Plummer, Beginners. I didn’t see this one, but enjoyed him in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Best Original Score-the Artist. Given that there was no dialog and the film was entirely score, it makes sense that they would win this.
Best Song–the Muppets, Man or Muppet. I don’t know. I loved the film and most of the songs were pretty good, but this song was sung by new Muppet Walter (the most boring Muppet since since Blandy McBlanderson) and Jason Segal (the second most boring Muppet since Blandy). Seems like they could have picked a better one. I think they voted this one just because the name is easy to remember and associate with the film.
Best Adapted Screenplay–the Descendants. Excellent choice in my opinion. I can’t really speak of this since I didn’t see the Artist, but I think it should have won best film.
Best Original Screenplay–Midnight in Paris. I did enjoy this movie. I don’t know if would have been my first choice, but I don’t find this choice objectionable.
Best Live Action Short-The Shore. Isn’t this another term for Best YouTube Video? That’s what it sounds like. I suppose it’s a short made with live actors rather than a cartoon. I didn’t see any of the nominees. I don’t have time to watch movies these days.
Best Documentary Short–Saving Face. I am more likely to watch a documentary short than a full on documentary. I blame my MTV generation.
Best Animated Short-The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore. Didn’t see this one, but it sounds like one of those whimsical cartoons parents love and wish their kids would love but the kids hate.
Best Director–Michel Hazavanicius, the Artist. Again, didn’t see it. Congratulations to Mr. Hazavanicius. I don’t know if lightning will strike twice.
Best Actor in a Leading Role-Jean Dujardin, the Artist.
Best Actress in a Leading Role–Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady. I totally agree with this one. Meryl Streep is an exceptional actress and totally deserves this in my opinion.
Best Picture-The Artist. OK, I’ll go see it and review it dammit!
That’s it. Thanks for reading as always. Like I said I’m super busy right now and might have to back off movies this week. I’ll try to sneak off and see something before Friday. Maybe a midnight showing of some kind. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu or email me [email protected] with questions, comments, or suggestion. Feel free to post a comment here and as long as you keep it clean and I understand what you are asking I will approve it. Talk to you soon.
Dave
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island in 3D Review
The human race is collectively stupider for each child that watches this film.
I am in all ways a man of my word. I didn’t do as well as I had hoped at the Warhammer tournament and as I promised in punishment went last night and saw the Mysterious Island. This movie is actually one of the hardest for me to review, as from a cinema point of view it is the movie equivalent of blunt trauma to the head: painful and potentially brain damaging. However, as I scan a few other reviewers I respect the phrase “good for what it is” keeps cropping up like a returning herpes sore and I have to admit, taken in the context of “moronic entertainment for kids with a story that won’t have parents wanting to kill themselves” it definitely qualifies.
I did not see the first one but honestly, I don’t think I missed much. I have read a lot of Jules Verne and watched a lot of Scooby Doo, which seems to be the basis for this movie. The problem is of course how to review it? If I treat it like a kids movie I won’t have a lot to say. If I treat it like an adult movie (and based on how much the camera lingers over Venessa Hudgens (Sucker Punch, High School Musical) very skimpy outfit outfit an argument could be made that it is an adult film) I will be dumping all over it but be revealing to the world what a bitter and horrible soul I am at heart.
I think the answer is, like most bad comprises, to jump both ways. I will review it like a childs film but raise a lot of the points I would have raised if it were an adult film, thus creating more work for me but in truth probably writing something a little more entertaining. I will try to keep my complaints about the really, really, horrifically bad science to a minimum. 
Sufficed to say science and technology will have been set back 10 years when the generation of kids watching this film grows up to become scientists and have the items in this film rolling around in their subconscious (anyone else remember Idiocracy? Brawndo shirt image courtesy of the Movie T Shirt category).
So the story. Sean (Josh Hutcherson-American Splendor, the Kids are All Right, Journey to the Center of the Earth) hates his stepfather Hank (Dwayne Johnson (NOT the Rock)-Fast Five, the Rundown, the Scorpion King) and wants to decode a secret message in Jules Verne code from his missing grandfather Alexander (Micheal Caine-Batman Begins, the Dark Knight, The Prestige, Children of Men). Turns out Hank is a construction worker who also is an expert code breaker and he and Sean solve the complex code in about 14 seconds. It is a map and coordinates of a mysterious island of some kind out in the Pacific near the island of Palau, a small country who’s official language is happily English. In an attempt to bond with his stepson Hank agrees to take Sean out there to find this island. Once they land they find that the only person crazy enough to take them to “the most dangerous part of the oceon” is the incredibly goofy Gabato (Luis Guzman-Boogie Nights, Anger Management, Carlito’s Way) and his incredibly hot daughter Kailani (Vanessa Hudgens). They board the most decrepit helicopter in the history of aviation and in the 7th worst decision in the history of the world (after the decision to air the Star Trek episode Spock’s Brain but before M&M’s decision to not let their candy be featured in E.T., passing it over to Reeces Peices) opt to fly into the mother of all storms.
They crash, of course, and wash up on the beach of some mysterious seeming island completely uninjured. At that point the adventure begins and they travel the island, coming across many wonderfully stupid and impossible creatures (I know I said I would avoid bitching too much about the scientific impossibilities of the things in this film, but there is a phenomenon known as scaling and strength of materials that tells us why giant ants and tiny elephants couldn’t exist. For the most part they wouldn’t be able to breath). They find Alexander in about 2 minutes and it turns out they are all experts of one type or another in tectonic plate activity, biology, archeology, and jungle survival. They find out the island is sinking (and does so ever 140 years. Sorry to be a pill but do they really think an entire complex ecosystem can develop that quickly?) and have to get out. The only way to leave is to find the hidden Nautiless, the submarine from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea left hidden on the island 140 years ago (again, sorry about this, but the fact is my dad once left a car on a driveway for two years and when he wanted to move it had to replace the battery, tires, and about half the hoses. I don’t think a 140 year old abandoned sub would really be seaworthy).
Anyway, from a child’s point of view this movie is fun, with cool giant creatures running around on and some funny, dopey dialog. Visually impressive, and will probably make a ton of money both here and overseas. I think what I object to in this and a lot of other children’s movies is the missed opportunity to enhance rather than degrade a young persons education. Would it have been so hard to write in a few actual scientific facts that were based on reality, thus making this film slightly more less worthless than the giant sodas sold at the concession stands? I understand that Jules Verne took a liberal hand when it came to science, but still. A movie for children should, in my opinion, have something other than empty calories. That being said the kids in the audience seemed to be loving it, and I can’t argue with that.
However, if I were to treat this as an adult film I would give the film the following stars and black holes:
Stars: Vanessa Hudgens is super hot, and the movie apparently had a limited wardrobe budget when it came time to buy her shorts as there wasn’t a lot of material in them. One star. Some entertaining moments between the characters, especially the dislike and needling that Hank and Alexander had at first for each other. One star. I am a big fan of Michael Caine. One star. The CGI and camera work, while not really state of the art, worked well together and delivered some pretty impressive images. Also this is one of the few movies I have seen wherein the 3D actually enhanced the film and didn’t just leave me with a headache (actually I was headache free from this. Weird). One star. Total: four stars.
The black holes. For the most part the characters were all pretty flat and two dimensional. One black hole. As a fan of science and technology I found concepts offered here to be really offensive, and hate to imagine teachers dealing with kids thinking that you can ride a giant bee in school for the next few weeks. Three black holes. I don’t know if I can call what I perceived as plot holes plot holes, as they all seemed to derive from the concept of “we are here to make really bad decisions” (for example: Alexander is trapped on the island and makes a radio out of coconuts or something. He can only transmit every two weeks and so when he has the chance he sends out his message in a code that only one human on the planet, assuming he is even listening, will understand. Why not just send out a regular SOS and get rescued? The castaways on Gilligan’s Island would have taken him out back and beaten him with a 2×4), but the plot holes were annoying the crap out of me. One black hole. For the most part the characters were all in a secret contest to see who could be the most annoying movie character of 2012 (Luis Guzman won IMO, although Dwayne Johnson was a close second). One black hole. At one point we are forced to listen to Dwayne Johnson sing while accompanied on a ukelele. One black hole. Total: seven black holes.
So a grand total of three black holes, which is shockingly less that I thought I would give walking into the movie, assuming I were treating it like an adult movie. Should you go see it? As an adult absolutely not. If you have kids they will probably enjoy the hell out of it, but understand that you are opening their brains to all kinds of oddball future theories, such as aliens, Bigfoot, the government orchestrated 9-11, flat tax is good for everyone, or creationism. Odds are pretty good you will want to own a copy as it will keep your rugrats out of your hair for 94 minutes.
Thanks for reading one of my most disjointed reviews. Not a lot of new stuff right now, but next weekend is looking really good. In particular I am looking forward to Acts of Valor and dreading Wanderlust. Follow me on Twitter @Nerdkungfu and feel free to post a comment here. If you don’t tweet and want to ask me something or make a suggestion privately email me [email protected] (email me in particular if you are in any way associated with an upcoming movie and want to invite me to an advanced screening in the Bay Area. I would like to get these out before they are released if possible. I promise I will buy popcorn and not text). Talk to you soon.
Dave
