Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 2
Now, in an attempt to prove that the world is as surreal as possible, I will give you some basic instructions on how to dance.
As usual, I will start with the negative and end with the positive. Here is a list of dancing do-not-do’s:
First of all, imagine a horizontal line at your collar bone that extends in all directions. This is the gay line. Under no circumstances while on the dance floor can your hands extend above that line, or you will spill whatever reservoir of machismo you have built up during the evening on the floor like a broken water balloon (by the way, I have no issue with gay guys, and have often thought how much easier my life would be if I were gay (smarter friends, more successful, better dresser. It’s just the sex with men part I can’t get past), but this post is to help straight men date straight women so I have to keep things in order).
Secondly, never dance with a drink in your hand. Girls can do it and get away with it. Guys in general (and odds are you in particular) need their full attention while dancing. Also, drinking your drink while dancing will break that line I talked about last paragraph. So leave your drink on the table, even if your date brings hers along (incidentally, you might notice that some 
women are very hesitant to leave drinks unattended or with guys they don’t know particularly well. I guess it might be fear of Roofies, which is a legitimate concern. If there are any women reading this, Roofies mixed with alcohol produces a bitter taste, and the newer ones have a blue dye in it that will turn light drinks blue).
(poison mushroom image courtesy of the video game t shirt category)
Thirdly, never dance in a circle. You will look like an idiot. Also, don’t move around the floor a lot. Walk to your spot and just dance there. You don’t have the skill to actually walk and dance at the same time. Again, remember that focus.
I’m actually having a lot of fun working on this list, so I think I will continue on tomorrows post. That will give me time to think of other bad dance moves I have seen or done.
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 1
You are on your date, you have dinner, you wow her with your wit and verve, and it turns out your next idea sucks and she suggests you go dancing. This is not so much a trap as a series of land mines, spiked tiger traps, and poison gas surrounded by a ring of fire.
There is no good answer to this suggestion. If you nay say the idea you are a boring stick in the mud. If you agree you have to have an idea where to go. Furthermore, at some point in the evening you will have to actually be seen dancing, and for most nerds that is about as bad as it gets.
I try to remain realistic in most things (aside from my delusion that I will one day rule the world). The fact is I dance like a 6’5″ slightly overweight white nerd. Do not delude yourself into thinking you are good at dancing. If you could dance you really wouldn’t need my help with women. Odds are extremely likely you dance like you are having a slow motion epileptic fit (or, worse, a full speed one).
I could advise you to look into taking dance lessons and even link you some site that would help you find them, but let’s face the facts. You aren’t going to do it, and even if you did I don’t know how much good it would do. You can’t build a skyscraper with Play Doh. If you don’t have the natural inclination and ability to dance you aren’t likely to improve dramatically. (Raver Spock image courtesy of the television t shirt category)
The most important thing to remember about dancing (and the only thing that will help you save your dignity and impress your date) is to have fun. This might sound nigh impossible, but one night a friend of mind dragged me to a club and told me to just dance and enjoy it. I did, had fun, and actually met a girl who kind of picked up on my fun vibe. If you dance like it is actually causing you pain she will most likely associate you not having fun dancing with not having fun with her and bail out.
Next post, in a hugely ironic turn of events, I will be giving specific dancing tips. Talk about the blind leading the blind.
