Movie Review: the Hangover Part II
First of all, I have an issue with the title of this flick being called “Part II”. When you say something is Part II that implies that Part I was not complete, and that you had some kind of plan for a continuation of the story. Godfather Part II, for example. I think the story of the Hangover was pretty well encapsulated and completely told. There were no loose wires or unresolved issues at the end, like Darth Vader not being killed at the end of Episode IV and the whole Empire still in full power. There was nothing, in fact, that even suggested a second part was needed or even desired (except for the whole “Doug married a Las Vegas hooker thing, but in spite of being the only thing that seemed to lead to another film the writers of P2 managed to dispense that whole issues with one line of expository dialog).
(Baby Carlos image courtesy of the nerd t-shirts)
This does not mean that the Hangover was not worthy of a sequel, nor that it would not be funny. Just that calling it Part II is a level of hubris that goes beyond the pale. I happen to know the story behind the creation of P1, and there was never a plan for this thing to do more than slink off to the DvD graveyard. The wild success of the movie out of nowhere is part of the mystical story of the film beyond the film. Also, there is no way calling this movie the Hangover Part II in any way enhances the film watching experience, unless having me be annoyed while standing in line at the box office is a part the movie magic.
Anyway, I got done with the convention I did yesterday and treated myself to a full price movie ticket. So, after being annoyed at the film name and scoring my usual Junior Mints, I creeped out some guy by sitting in the empty seat right next to him and watched the film.
I am going to be tossing out some spoilers here in a few lines and will, out of basic human decency, warn you beforehand. However, I can say without reservation that if you have seen the Hangover P1 then you have seen the Hangover P2. It is the bastard love child of the Hangover mated with the Hangover, and like most cases of direct inbreeding, has come out with something that looks remarkably similar but is in many ways defective. Is it funny? Yes. Will you laugh? Yes. Will you want to spend the money to see it a second time? No. Just not that good. The overall feeling is that the writers mostly phoned it in. Maybe they were under some kind of unrealistic deadline (“We need to start making money on this NOW NOW NOW!”) and figured the best way to get it done was to just rework the old script with a couple new characters and an Asian supporting cast.
Before I get into the story I would like to reiterate what I just said in the last paragraph: it is EXACTLY THE SAME MOVIE. The individual jokes and scenes are (modestly) different and funny, but the story is the same, only grittier and set in Thailand. Here is where I toss is my SPOILER ALERT, but honestly, nothing to worry about. Does any of this sound familiar? The movie starts with the Phil (Bradley Cooper) calling in to tell a friend of the bride that the crew f***ed up. Then the flashback begins. Stu is getting married to a super, duper hot Thai girl in Thailand. Her father hates him in the most stereotypical “I hate white boys” way humanly possible. They have a little party on the beach and one of the Wolfpack who shall go nameless but whose name rhymes with Talan accidentally drugs the whole crew while attempting to do something more benign. They wake up in a seedy Bangkok hotel room missing the 16 year old brother of the bride, who is a Stanford premed. They find, instead of a baby and a tiger, a monkey (ok, I guess the writers made some changes), and, for no reason whatsoever except to crowbar him back into the film, Mr. Chow from the first movie. Stu, rather than missing a tooth, has a Mike Tyson style tattoo on his face. The crew is then required to run around the city recreating the night before wherein the following stuff that is not exactly like the first movie happens (spoilers incoming in force. Do not keep reading if you plan to see this movie and want to be “surprised”):
Stu finds out he had sex with a tranny hooker (which is not the same as marrying a hooker). The crew kidnapped a Bhuddist monk under a vow of silence and get beat up by another monk when they try to return him (which is not the same a stealing a tiger from Mike Tyson and getting punched in the face for it). Stu got a face tattoo (which is not the same as removing a tooth). The monkey is made by Alan to look like he is giving oral to a fake penis on the monk on a bus (which is not the same as making it look like the baby is masturbating at a breakfast table). They meet up with an Arabic tranny club owner who points them on their way (which is not the same as meeting the Israeli wedding chapel owner in Vegas). They meet a guy who claims to have kidnapped the kid they are looking for and will not give him back unless they get an account code from Mr. Chow but then later turns out he doesn’t have the kid at all (which is totally different from Mr. Chow claiming to have kidnapped Doug and will not give him back unless they give him his money back only to find out that Chow had the wrong Doug). In the end, they find the kid trapped in an elevator 30 feet from the room they woke up in, which is completely, 100% different from finding Doug on the roof of the hotel they were in at the beginning of the movie.
Anyway, other stuff happens. Bangkok hijinks ensue. Most of the stuff was funny when taken in part but kind of lame when placed into the context of the whole film. Overall the film had a much darker quality that really bled off a lot of the humor. Alan’s motivation to drug people was actively malicious rather than an good hearted attempt to let everyone have a good time. Having a fully grown adult male go missing in a relatively safe city like Las Vegas and the only real concern was getting him back in time for the wedding is good, lighthearted fare whereas having a 16 year old boy go missing in a city known for it’s danger like Bangkok seemed to be a much less funny motivation, especially when everyone they talked to about the missing kid seemed to feel like it was pretty good odds he was dead or living as a male drug whore already. The phrase “Bangkok has him” kept coming up. In one movie you were worried about a guy missing his wedding. In this one you were worried about a kid being dead in a ditch. Just not that funny.
Honestly, that really brings me to my ultimate problem with this movie, and that is the lack of consequences for any of the actions. In the first movie the crew stole a police car and ended up getting used as tazer practice. They stole money from Mr. Chow and got the Mercedes wrecked for it. Stu married a hooker and, for good or ill, ended his current long term relationship. Actions had consequences, and that is what made it real and funny for me. In this movie some of the most horrific, life changing mistakes a person can make occurred with no real consequence and even less concern by the characters involved. A man has unprotected anal sex with a Thai transvestite hooker? No danger or concern for an STD there. A 16 year old kid who wants to be a surgeon and is a concert cellist loses a finger? Nothing to worry about after the initial shock, and even the kid doesn’t seem to care. Lose a finger and spend 24 hours trapped in an elevator in a Bangkok slum, a city know for it’s hygienic standards? No danger of gangrene at all. Your bride finds out that you once married a Las Vegas hooker and had sex with a tranny hooker when you show up for your wedding with a face tattoo? No reason to call off or postpone that wedding, or even demand an explanation. Have a human corpse to deal with? Stuff it in the nearest ice machine and get on with your day. Wash your brand new face tattoo with brown Bangkok tap water and later have pig blood sprayed all over it? No danger of infection there. Kidnap a monk? Run a speed boat up a beach and over a stone barricade into a wedding party? Steal from Russian drug dealers? Incite a riot? Throw a Molotov cocktail and burn a police car? Be involved with an international criminal when he is getting arrested by Interpol? All boyish pranks that in no way should get you killed or arrested.
The list goes on and on. The problem is after about the third or fourth one you get disconnected from the potential seriousness of the situations and, ironically, that makes them less funny. It’s like if the big battle between the criminals and police during the robbery in the movie Heat had been done with Nerf guns. You just wouldn’t care, and honestly after a while I found myself not really caring either.
This is on it’s way to being my longest review ever. I had better get into the stars and black holes. First the stars. The movie was indeed funny, in parts. One star. The monkey is also funny. One star. The chemistry between the main characters is still, in spite of the less than inspired writing, excellent. Three stars. Some of the Thai scenery was beautiful and well shot. One star. The bride (Jamie Chung) was so hot it made my head hurt. One star. Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) was back and, in spite of being forced into the movie, was really entertaining. One star. Paul Giamatti managed to show up as a secondary character. One star. Dialog was decent. One star. Total: ten stars.
Now the black holes. I should give one for every scene lifted directly from the first movie, but I will restrain myself. Three black holes. Alan was kind of a dick instead of the relatively happy innocent he was in the first movie. One black hole. He has some awkward scenes at the wedding party that I just wanted to end. One black hole. The whole “action without consequences” thing I bitched about earlier. Three black holes. Rampant xenophobia. One black hole. Rampant homophobia. One black hole. Every Thai person needed to propel the story along spoke nearly perfect English, including one of the Buddhist monks and the tranny prostitute. One black hole. The future father-in-law was as stereotypical as possible. One black hole. The bride and her relationship with Stu was painfully one dimensional (“We love each other because we’re in love.”). One black hole. If you are going to do a film in Thailand is it absolutely necessary to make a significant part of it about transsexuals? One black hole for grabbing the low hanging fruit. My one positive thought throughout the movie was “At least they didn’t figure out a way to get Mike Tyson into this” until the end when they figured out a way to get Mike Tyson into the film in a scene that will have you holding your breath in an attempt to pass out rather than have to watch any more of him. One black hole. Multiple penises shown on screen in an obvious attempt to stay in the rated R zone. One black hole. Total: 17 black holes.
Yes, a total of 7 black holes. Of course, in spite of me panning it along with the vast majority of critics out there it was still a massively grossing movie. Some days I just hate people. If you loved the first one see this one, but try to wipe the first from your memory. If you for some reason never saw P1 then you might actually really enjoy P2, but honestly without the character perspective given to us by P1 you might miss the charm of Alan and the others. There is nothing in the filming here that requires a large screen, so feel free to watch it at home. Decently entertaining, but two years from now you will not be quoting it or holding it up as one of your all time favorite comedies like you would the Hangover.
Movie review: Source Code
I actually saw this a few days ago, but felt I liked it too much to write an interesting review given that I have liked most of the movies I have seen lately. I went and saw Arthur and, ironically and in the face of all logic and previous experience, like it too. So I am stuck writing this one too. I will try to make it interesting.
I am trying to find something sucktastic this weekend. Best choice I think would be Soul Surfer, since I hate surf culture with the burning passion of a super nova, but sharks creep me out like very little else on earth and it looks like there is a lot of emotional coming to grips crap that would make me feel bad for dumping on the film. I think I will see Hanna, which potentially could suck, but I am worried that I will come out with something good from it too. I’ll let you know.
Also, I am judging a Warhammer tournament tomorrow that will take up all day so I don’t think I will be able to blog while getting my geek on. Sunday should do it.
Anyway, Source Code. Jake Gyllenhaal stars as an Army captain with the incredibly macho name of Colter Stevens (Really? The only way they could have cooked up a more manly name is if they had gone with Duke McHugepenis) who snaps to awareness in the body of another guy on a commuter train outside Chicago. Eight minutes later the train blows up and it turns out he has somehow been sent back in time, sort of, to relive the guys last eight minutes in an attempt to figure out who blew up the train and what his next target would be. I say somehow in the most literal sense possible. This is actually an old concept in time travel science fiction, but when they try to explain how they are doing it there doesn’t seem to have been a lot of research into possible explanations. Somehow the last 8 minutes of memory in the dead brain tissue of the guy killed on the train can be translated into a time travel experience that still can’t have anything changed in the past. I don’t think a writer should ever use the term “quantum physics” in a movie scientific explanation unless they actually know something about quantum physics. My own understanding is limited, but I know enough to understand that there is very little in a human brain that can affect the space/time continuum. (Dr. Brown Enterprises image from Back to the Future image courtesy of the nerd t-shirts)
In spite of the fact that the science doesn’t even attempt to make sense, the movie is pretty good. They keep sending Captain Stevens back over and over again, Groundhog Day-style, where he investigates different passengers looking for the bomber. While there he manages to fall in love with a girl (super hot Michelle Monaghan) who he can only interact with for eight minutes before being killed (actually, when you think about it, there is something about that relationship that sounds a kind of cool and headache free. Not that I’m bitter). I the train blows up over and over again, people are accosted, and deep dark secrets are revealed.
First that stars. Story concept is actually pretty cool, if you can ignore the lame explanation. One star. For the most part the writing and dialog was decent. One star. Michelle Monaghan is extremely easy on the eyes. One star. In spite of being a Hollywood pretty boy, Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t completely offend me. You actually feel a connection to his character. One star. There wasn’t a lot done outside of the train, but overall the filming, lighting, and editing were professionally done. They were able to create distinct atmospheres between the train and the military base the Captain was operating from. One star. They managed to deliver a decent movie without resorting to massive gun battles, car chases, and gratuitous explosions (except for the one big one). One star. Total: six stars.
Now the black holes. The lame attempt at science I, as a nerd, found extremely annoying and insulting to the collective intellect of America, in spite of the fact that probably 99% of us bought it. One black hole. The ending they literally pulled out of their ass and seemed to have nothing to do with anything previously established in the movie. One black hole. That’s pretty much it. Two total.
So a net result of four stars. Not bad at all, considering how few black holes showed up. Decent movie to see, and OK as a date film as there is not a ton of violence or nudity. Nothing in the filming was epic enough to require a large screen, so if you want to wait a bit you can see it on NetFlix and save a few bucks.
That’s it. I”m still kind of debating the Wonder Twins versus Aquaman question, so I won’t answer it. I will, however, ask why the Wonder Twins default forms weren’t always a T-Rex for Jan and an ice M1Abrams tank for Jayce? Seems that would have solved a lot of their problems quicker than turning into a marmoset and an ice Frisbee. Also, if Jayce turned into water, would he be subject to evaporation? Sounds dangerous to me.
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 16: interpreting photos
OK, this is the last one I am doing on this nuance of online dating. Not because I have run out of items to describe but more because it is starting to get kind of repetitive and honestly, by this time you should be able to figure these out yourself.
Girl surrounded by a huge pile of stuffed animals. Take whatever age she is and subtract 15 from it. This is OK if she is 40 but kind of problematic if she is 25. Also, I guarantee that she has a very protective daddy who is probably willing and capable of putting out a hit on you. I’d give this girl a 7.5 on the pain-o-meter to date.
Big coke bottle glasses. For both guy and girl, this actually translates into pretty cool to date. In both cases it usually means someone who is cool with their nerd lifestyle and doesn’t care enough to take pains for their appearance. Often times they are super nerdy, which in my mind translates into pretty cool. Also, girls who wear coke bottle glasses in photos in my experience are rarely fat. I don’t know what the deal is, but overweight women seem really inclined to take off their glasses for photos.
Doing something improbable and potentially dangerous. Skydiving, dirt bike riding, rock climbing, hang gliding, or other “extreme” sports. This is almost always a guy. Unless his title for his profile is something like “Live to rock climb” then he is trying to show the world what kind of a macho man he is. Odds are you can take however often he claims to do these things and divide it by about 20 to get the actual frequency (“I skate 3-4 times a week” = 182 times per year/20 = 9 times last year). Guys who actually do “extreme” sports on a regular basis rarely have to go online to meet women, as there are any number of hot low self esteem women willing to be treated like a doormat to be encountered all the time in their daily lives. If by some fluke you do meet a semi-pro skateboarder and feel dumb enough to date him you can look forward to having his shoes wiped on your back.
Lots of tattoos and/or piercings. If a guy this man has a serious F-you attitude towards life and people in general. Either he is serious and will likely end up (back) in prison or he is a poser and feels a lot of personal frustration that no one understands what kind of a rock star he secretly is. The best you can hope for is that this guy owns his own lame clothing company (something I know too much about) but odds are he works in an auto shop or something even more blue collar. If this is a girl than she has serious daddy issues and this is likely her revenge on her parents. The funny thing is they never seem to get enough and will keep getting revenge long after her parents pass. If she is pretty hot than there is a good chance she has been a stripper or should have been. If, however, you can get past all that they tend to be a lot of fun to hang out with and are fairly uninhibited, so given the opportunity I would date her. Just be ready for the inevitable drama. Also, in both cases you can glean some insight into their personality and intellectual ability by judging the subject matter, originality, cleverness, and spelling of the tattoos shown. As a general rule, if you see a misspelled word run away screaming.
Lots of guns. Again, mostly guys. This person is probably trying to make up for something, if you know what I mean, so if you have issues with larger junk than this would be the guy for you. Also, these guys tend to be weird conspiracy nuts, so you can look forward to hearing how the Rand Corporation really runs the country and how the second Kennedy gunman was actually an alien who traveled back in time to prevent him from nationalizing the phone companies. These guys tend to get turned on by shooting more or less harmless and inoffensive animals, so if you have any love of animals odds are you should steer clear. A real man would fight a bear with a knife, in my opinion (or just try to stay away from one).
That’s pretty much it for today, and more or less for this matter. Next time I do more dating I will talk about what to send on your first email to a girl online. However, today is Tuesday which means cheap movie night at my local theater. I’m afraid (literally) that I am going to have to see a late showing of the new Nicholas Cage film Drive Angry. It looks truly awful and I look forward to writing a burning review of it tomorrow, although I anticipate a long evening of pain for myself.
As for yesterdays question, the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds versus the nerds from Scooby Doo, I think this question is very situational. If the Revenge guys were trying to haunt an old amusement park so they could smuggle diamonds out of the state then I would have to bet on Scooby Doo. In almost every other situation I would have to bet on the Revenge guys, if only because they seem less unwilling to mix it up. (Adams Atoms shirt from Revenge of the Nerds shirt courtesy of the nerd t shirts category)
For today I ask the question of who would win, Jayne Cobb (with Vera) from Firefly against Snake Plisskin from Escape from New York?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 15: interpreting photos
This will be my last post on photos for now, and it will be quick as I am going out to dinner with some friends. Let’s get into it.
Party photo. You know, the person in question sitting on a couch that looks like it was rescued from a toxic land fill surrounded by a bunch of poorly dressed losers and one guy in the background talking to the only hot girl in the place. Everyone has a beer in one hand and there is a bong on the table. That photo? This person, guy or girl, seriously wishes they were back in college still. Not that I blame them. There are many times I wish I were back in college. However, as for dating material this person will be kind of a drag and can’t really let go.
Person in photo hitting a bong. OK. You have hopefully read any number of these posts and my interpretations on photos. Hopefully you have gleaned a little skill in this area. Do I really need to explain this one to you? Let’s call it a pop quiz. I’m sure you can figure it out.
Person in Halloween costume. If this is a girl, odds are she is pretty cool and would make a great girlfriend, unless it happens to be a cat costume, in which case stay as far away from her as possible. Be aware, however, that masks and makeup can often hide some horrific blemish so if she is dressed like a witch and has no other photos up there is a pretty good chance the wart on her nose is not just good special effects. If it is a guy and he is dressed as something from comic books or science fiction odds are he is a pretty cool nerd (unless it’s something from Harry Potter, in which case I would say pull the rip cord). If he’s in something else use your best judgment. However, if he is dressed as a woman I guarantee he is an ex frat boy and likely in the closet as well.
Guy on a motorcycle. Ugh. Unless he is actually a Hell’s Angel odds are he is some kind of loser who wants desperately to be a bad boy. He probably drives a delivery truck for Coors and has a history of fairly abusive relationships. Also there is a very good chance he got the bike just because he knows it impresses dumb women. I’ve never seen a personal with a girl on a motorcycle, so I have no basis upon which to comment. My gut tells me she is probably pretty cool but likes to be in charge. If you have any info email it to me.
On a Vespa scooter. If a guy I can promise he is a hipster scooter guy, which can be both good or bad (or both). If he is gainfully employed it is likely to be good. If not it is probably bad. Either way, however, you had best have a high tolerance for pretension and crappy garage bands. If this is a girl either she is the female, albeit somewhat cooler and more tolerable, version of the hipster scooter guy or she loves Italy and has fantasies of living there. Either way she is probably pretty cool and worth going out with, as long as you like to travel.
I gotta get going, so I lied and will actually post one more on pictures tomorrow. I’m actually having a lot of fun with this particular topic. As for yesterdays who-would-win question, Jack Burton versus Buckaroo Banzai, first of all let me say I hope it never would come down to this as these two are both great and I truly hope they never have to cross swords. That being said, I am going to have to bet on Buckaroo Banzai, but it wouldn’t be close. He just seems more ready to deal with weird situation. (Pork Chop Express (from Big Trouble in Little China) image courtesy of the many nerd t shirts)
For today I ask a true nerd question: who would win, the crew from Revenge of the Nerds versus the gang from Scooby Doo?
Nerd Dating Dealing with Rejection Pt 4: What to do
So I have not kept my promise about more dating advice, instead doing a couple movie reviews. I feel bad, and in spite of the fact that I have a great movie related thing to talk about from Friday night that actually contains a dating related story, I will instead assuage my readers who are here for my dating advice and continue with my list of things you can do to after getting rejected. I’ll do the other story later this week.
5. Hit the gym. Work out your frustration while pumping some iron like Arnold here or riding a bike. This has the added benefit of making you look better, which will help a lot when it comes time to replace your ex. Also, the best revenge available when you get dumped is to lose 20 pounds so the next time you see her you look 10 times better. This is a trick women have mastered, which is why the first thing they usually do after getting dumped is lose a ton of weight, get a hot haircut and makeover, and generally look really good next time you see her. Really makes you question your reasons for dumping her, and if you tell her you want her back she can either make you crawl through hot coals and broken glass or get the last word in by rejecting you entirely. Turnabout is fair play (Conan image one of the many nerd t shirts images on my other site).
6. Buy some new stuff. Nothing helps you get over a certain period of your life (the period wherein you had someone and were happy) like a change of venue. While moving to another building or town may be unfeasible, sometimes all it takes is a new couch replacing the rotten old pile of wood, cloth and metal that has been festering in your living room since college to help you put your head into a new space. Again, this may help you actually get a new girl next time around, and if you ex happens to drop by to give you something back she may be impressed with the improvement. Also, a new TV might be a dramatic improvement in your ability to mindlessly entertain yourself, and TV shopping is super fun.
7. Buy some new clothes. Like new stuff, new clothes may help you reinvent yourself as a sexier, more datable human. Go back to the earliest posts on the dating advice on buying clothes and spend a few bucks. Try to bring a friend along so you can regale him or her with all the gruesome details of the fascinating tale of love found and lost you have stuck in your head. I swear there is no way your friends are sick of hearing about it.
8. Create a blog where you bitch about your dating life and give advice to other people. Yes, misery loves company and sharing your pain with the world wide web will indeed help ease yours. If you can use the blog to do movie reviews and schlock t-shirts even better.
9. Revert to your childhood. Bust out those old Legos or GI Joe dolls and spend an afternoon pretending you really don’t care about women again. Buy a bunch of comic books. Go to the movies and sneak into another showing afterward. Ride your old skateboard. Get in touch with your inner child because, while you might be inclined to beat yourself up over the whole thing, no one wants to beat a child.
10. Get wasted. Drown your sorrows in alcohol. Your goal should be to not remember anything from the evening. If you feel like total crap the next morning odds are you will forget your heartache while you are barfing up a lung. Also, you could end up with a new friend sleeping next to you, which should be at least entertaining as you try to find a way to extricate yourself from a weird situation.
If I can think of any more tonight I will do more tomorrow, but I think that’s it for this thread. Remember, there was a time when food had flavor and the sun was a warm, loving life giver not a burn ball of garbage shining a harsh, scum revealing light on a cruel world. Things will get better over time. Your best plan is to learn from this and try not to be such a moron next time.
As for our question from last post, Freddy Kruegar versus the Scooby Doo gang, I am going to have to bet on Freddy. The Scooby Doo gang are experts when it comes to ghosts, have access to all kinds of performance enhancing drugs (what is in those Scooby snacks, anyway?) and drive a bad ass lime green sex wagon, but they are essentially kids and that is Freddy’s meat of choice. As soon as they run out of speed and have to sleep Freddy will get them. If Freddy were facing the Ghostbusters I would bet on Venkman and the rest, as he never seems to do much to adults.
For today, I offer up the question of who would win; the Three Stooges (with Curly) versus Doug and Bob Mackenzie with their dog.
