Movie Review: Priest
So I had planned to see this opening night and pretend I was a real movie critic by coming out with a review close to the opening weekend, but it turned out my girlfriend really wanted to see it and made me wait until last night. She is really into vampires, which is something of a mixed blessing as it sometimes lets me see great films and sometimes has me watching pretty boy vampires sparkle in the daylight while I look for a spoon to gouge my eyes out. (Twilight sucks. Sparkle vampire image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
So, Priest, in 3D (not really by choice, but it was my only option). This is not one of the great vampire movies, but it is also not eye-gougingly bad either. It sits, like 99.9999% of the movies I have reviewed since Paul, right on average. It’s like all of Hollywood has hitched up to the mediocrity train and is steaming towards Bland Junction.
The Priest story comes to us from a Korean graphic novel by Hyung Min-woo. It’s good to know their geek culture encompasses something besides Starcraft. The movie Priest, however, comes to us from the Road Warrior, Blade Runner, Dark City, Blade II, and a Fist Full of Dollars with a sprinkling of Star Wars for flavor. It borrows unabashedly from these and about 1,000 other movies and forces them into a arguably decent rehash, or perhaps new to younger kids.
Speaking of younger kids, let me tangent off a bit here and bitch about the fact that the family in front on us had a little boy with them who was somewhere between 2 and 3 years old. The movie was rated PG-13 for a good reason and at times drifted close to R in terms of gore and violence. The vampires would have given me nightmares at 12, to say nothing of 2. My dad took us all to see Orca the Killer Whale at the drive in when I was 8 and that pretty much ruined the ocean for me for the next five years. Seems like most parents I wouldn’t trust with a pet rock, much less a child.
OK, off my parenting soap box and onto my movie reviewing soap box. Priest is set in an alternative world (every other reviewer or whatever likes to say post-Apocalyptic, but the opening credits clearly showed both Medieval and WWI humans fighting vampire armies, so I refuse to imagine this is set in our world. Also, our world has some terrain) that is apparently flat and featureless as a billiard ball wherein humans and vampires have fought for thousands of years and more or less destroyed the planet, except for a Blade Runner-esque steam punk city where everyone dresses like an escapee from the Great Hot Topic Massacre. The city has for some reason purposely blocked out the sunlight, which is established as the humans only real defense against vampires (???). Paul Bettany plays a Priest, a Catholic Church super ninja who had his Ash Wednesday cross tattooed onto his face. His brother, who appears to be living on a farm that literally produces dust, is mortally wounded by a vampire attack and his niece is kidnapped. Priest needs to go back out into the wilds to rescue her and kill the vampires, but the head of the church, who I will refer to as Monseigneur Stupid, decides that, in spite of the fact that vampires were not killed off completely but reside peacefully on reservations (sucking on rat blood, I guess) and he loses absolutely nothing by letting Priest go off and get himself killed, there is no way the attack could have been vampires and forbids Priest to go. He goes anyway on his super ninja electric/solar motorcycle that can exceed 200mph on dirt and hooks up with the local sheriff who told him about the vamp attack.
Anyway, some other Priests are sent after him for no real reason except for the insult the first Priest gave unto the Church, including the new love of my life, Maggie Q. A bad guy in Western drag named Black Hat (possibly for some article of clothing he was wearing, but I can’t be sure) is involved. Vampire hunter hijinks ensues. Vampires and innocent humans get killed. Stuff blows up. Deep dark secrets are revealed. The fuze is lit for a sequel.
Anyway, the stars. The animated opening credits were really cool. One star. In spite of the limited material handed them by the dialogue, all the main characters delivered a pretty good performance. Paul Bettany was especially good. One star. The steam punk city and Gothic costumes were pretty cool. One star. The action sequences were decent and made sense (obviously they hired a fight choreography). One star. Except for the attitude of Monseigneur Stupid, the story was reasonably linear and more or less didn’t strain my brain. One star. The CGI was well done but not over used. One star. Overall the visuals were good. One star. Total: Seven stars.
Now the black hole. The dialogue was limited. One black hole. The whole movie was extremely derivative. One black hole. Some of the action sequences strained my suspension of disbelief enough to give it a hernia (sorry, but no one can survive jumping off a motorcycle at 200+mph). One black hole. After 10 minutes in a cool, semi modern dark Gothic city, they then spent the rest of the movie in a much cheaper to shoot open flat wasteland with NO TERRAIN FEATURES WHATSOEVER. It was like they filmed most of the movie in a giant parking lot. One black hole. During the course of the movie they kept hinting at some kind of character development that never surfaced. I can’t help but feel they could have added a lot to the film by exploring deeper the relationship between Priest and Black Hat, or even Priest and the female Priest. One black hole. Total: five black holes.
Also, like I did in my Fast Five review, I have a few things that bugged me but really aren’t worthy of a black hole. First off, the movie was only 88 minutes. I don’t feel like the pacing really suffered for being short, which is why this doesn’t get them a black hole, but if I am going to pay $10 for a movie ticket I want to feel I am getting a decent value. Remember all that missing character development I gave you a black hole for? Maybe sticking a few minutes of that into this movie might have made my wallet feel better. Also, I can honestly say I feel ripped off for paying an extra $4 for 3D. The 3D did absolutely nothing to enhance the film and was hardly noticeable, at least until my usual 3D headache started to kick in.
So, a total of 2 stars. Not bad, not great. If you are a fan of Blade style action see it on a big screen. Don’t waste your money on 3D. I think overall it’s worth seeing in a theater, as a lot of the visuals and action may suffer on a smaller screen.
That’s it. I have an idea for something funny for tomorrow so check back. Have a great day.
Nerd Dating: Spotting crazy girls early pt 1
Ok, we are moving towards the big finally of 2010 when I give you my advice on when to move in and make “the move”, but before that I feel the need to help you avoid dating insane women. This is another subject I am too intimately familiar with, so you will be gleaning a lot of benefit from my pain.
Here’s the problem for guys. It’s not hard to spot a nutball when it’s another guy. It’s seems pretty obvious and you get to spend the next three months wondering what his girlfriend is doing with him. However, when a guy looks at a girl his vision is blurred by sexual desire. In other words, you can’t see her lobotomy scar because you are too distracted looking at her breasts. Even experienced daters get caught in this.
Now, this list is not definitive, nor is it conclusive. A decent girl could have a couple eccentricities that show up on this list and still make a good girlfriend. The fact is in my experience all women are insane to a greater or lesser extent (and, to be fair, all men are more or less stupid, including me. It’s the wonderful dance known as life). The trick is find one who is either sane enough to deal with or is insane in a manner that compliments your particular brand of stupidity.
So here are a list of warning signs I have seen or read about that make sense. Feel free to add to this list if you have some ideas, but I will be breaking this list up into several posts so as to milk the content and not damage anyone’s brains. By the way, to any of my female readers, if you spot any of these behaviors youself might consider hiding it until you get a guy locked in.
Here are the first few:
1. She has actually been committed to or participated in an insane asylum, rehab center, or 12 step program. Is she on serious psychotropic drugs? This should be obvious, but you would be surprised how much guys will put up with when they are horny. I had a good friend who met a hot girl and was working hard to hook it up with her. Then a bottle of Tegretol fell out of her purse. His father was a psychologist and he knew that that drug is used in the treatment of the most severe bi-polar disorders. He was going to bail out, but then his little brain took over and he slept with her. Let’s just say things restraining-order bad from there. (Imaginary Friend image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category). Just goes to show how dumb guys can be.
2. She has more than two cats. This is a subtle, but really good rule. Here’s how it works. One cat is cute. Two cats is so the first cat has someone to play with and still kind of cute. Three cats is the first step to turning into crazy cat lady. I had an ex girlfriend who had two cats, so I thought she was OK. However, her roommate also had a cat, which was three in the household. She turned out to be totally bat guano nuts.
3. She has a purse dog that she brings with her everywhere. This is totally valid in my experience. Any girl who hauls her toy poodle around (especially on a first date, which I have had happen) and lets it hang it’s head out of her ridiculous over-sized bag should have a blinking neon sign over their head reading “THIS WAY LIES MADNESS.” The pet has taken the slot in her life normally reserved for children, and given a chance to save your life or her Snookums she will without hesitancy drop you into a lake of molten lava. This rule also counts for pretty much any pet, be it cat, ferret, parrot, of something a little more exotic.
4. She collects exotic pets. As long as I am knocking out all the pet signs I might as well go into this. “Normal” pets are cats, dogs, birds, fish, small rodents, and sometimes ferrets (they are really cute). Any girl who has a fascination with and collects snakes, spider, tarantulas, frogs, or anything else bizarre she is nuts. This is something only creepy guys are into (like my friend Eric. How you doing, bud?) and when you get a girl into them I can more or less promise you she is freaky-deaky. Also, plants are very cool, but if she has more plants than furniture you could consider this a warning sigh.
That’s it. I gotta run, but will post more tomorrow.
Nerd dating: Dating on a budget pt 2
So your are broke and lonely. Nothing would help comfort you than the company of an attractive, intelligent, witty, fun, and exciting girl. Unfortunately, those girls only date guys who actually have money, right? WRONG!
Trust me, one of the great frustrations of my life has always been that it seems like the women I am most attracted to always seem to be dating complete and utter losers. We will get more into that later, and to be honest that is more a malfunction in womens brains (at least, the women I seem to be attracted to) than in your dating process, but for now we are on the subject of having a good time dating with no money.
Like I said before, most women (at least, the ones worth dating) are not avidly money hungry. However, being broke is not impressive for even the most non-material girl. All women, however, will claim to not be into it for the money.
The thing is, even if the girl you are asking out is a saint and does not care that you live in this palatial estate (trailer image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category), almost all women find the subject of money dirty and distasteful. In their minds it is something that they don’t even want to handle or deal with. You might notice that women seem more willing to use credit or debit card than men (statistically this is true). Cash is dirty, and talking about money is gauche.
What does this mean to you? Simply put, don’t talk about your finances. You don’t have to say “I can’t afford movie tickets tonight.” Instead, say something like “It’s such a nice night. How about a walk through the park?” We’ll get into more specific cheap alternatives to spending money later but you should practice never talking about what is going on.
You really aren’t fooling anyone, by the way. Women are pretty astute in this regard, and most of them will figure out that you don’t have a lot of money to burn pretty quick. However, if she likes you (ah, another test for her) she will put up with it up until the point that you rub it in her face. This is part of the trick the total loser guys who get hot girls pull. Deep down inside the girl knows he is a loser, but because he never gives her incontrovertible proof of his loser status she can turn a blind eye and more or less live the lie that he is actually a decent human being and not a hairless primate.
Anyway, bottom line, don’t talk about money, or how much stuff costs. Like I said before, find the positive. A NetFlix movie, a couple candles, and take out Chinese food can be quite the romantic evening and sound more appealing than an elaborate night on the town if you spin it right. The fact that it costs about 1/4 what the night out is merely coincidental.
Nerd dating: Dating on a budget pt 1
Let’s get back on to dating. In the current economic circumstances, not many of us have money to burn on extravagant dating. However, the fact is I have gone through any number of ups and downs financially and have an extremely large amount of experience with attempting to woo women with $12.89 in my pocket.
I won’t lie. It’s tough to date broke. Currently, with the combination of the economy and the fact that I lost a major source of income last year and then sank my entire life savings into a t-shirt selling website has brought me to an all time low. Does that prevent me from dating? NO! It’s actually the fact that I spend 12-14 hours a day working on my website that really prevents me from dating.
The trap that a lot of less-than-wealthy guys who don’t do well with women fall into is making the assumption that all women care about is money. This is true to a certain extent, but for most women it is less a mercenary thing and more a stability thing. They like to believe that the guy they are dating is capable of surviving and potentially keeping up his half of the relationship. The one thing almost all women dread and fear is the idea of having to support a boyfriend or husband.
By they way, coming to believe that and expressing it in public is about as unattractive as you can become. Don’t turn into a crusty old man at age 22.
That being said, there are indeed mercenary women out there for whom money is everything. However, trust me when I say you don’t want anything to do with these women and the sooner you find out about their gold digging predilection the happier you will be in life.
The fact is, having money is an enhancement, similar to being tall, well endowed, having great hair, doing an exciting job, having a great personality, or playing guitar (although personally at this point I would trade in a couple of those that I have for more money, if you know what I mean). If you lack in one or two areas you can make up for them by being good at something else. It’s like I always say when I see a short rich guy with an amazing girlfriend; he looks taller when he stands on his wallet.
So don’t despair for your lack of funds. The right girl will see past that, and the wrong girl you don’t want to deal with. That being said, however, there are things you can do to still look like you are fun and not completely destitute. We’ll start in next post with how to talk (or not talk) about being broke with a girl.
(Ben Franklin image courtesy of novelty t shirt category).
Nerd Dating: to see a movie or not Pt 3 Movie Etiquette
OK, you have successfully selected a movie and are going to a local theater to see it (I hate theater shirt image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category). Now to discuss how you should behave.
First of all, walk up to the box office and buy both tickets. Don’t even ask. If she looks perturbed or says something say she can buy the drinks and popcorn. This is your chance to man up and look like a guy in control. Also, don’t hand her one of the tickets. That is something friends do, not boyfriends. Hand both tickets to the guy at the box office.
I do recommend popcorn. People build bonds from sharing food. A little accidental hand contact as you both reach for it is a good thing. Let her hold the popcorn and eat it from her lap. She will feel weird reaching into your crotch. Also, if you are going to do candy get something you can easily share, like Skittles or M&Ms. Don’t do hot dogs or anything that looks like a meal. Also, nachos, as delicious as they are, are a prime opportunity to look like a total slob, so stay away. If she made a stink at the box office let her pay, but if she accepted your purchase of the tickets blithely than pay for this as well. Drinks are good, but don’t super size anything.
In the theater, pick a section that seems pretty even. Let her proceed down the aisle and choose the final seat. If you are fortunate enough to be in a theater with the retractable arms (also known as snuggle seats. This is another opportunity where five minutes research may well pay off) it is perfectly acceptable to leave the arm up in order to stay closer to her. It is not necessarily acceptable to use her acceptance of that to creep in on her. Put your drink in the armrest on the outside.
Put your jacket on an empty seat next to yours and take hers. By the way, if the theater is one of those that runs their air conditioning like a cryogenic facility you can gain a lot of respect and appreciation by giving her your jacket to use as a blanket for her legs. If you feel like you want to wear your jacket suck it up and give it to her. Be the man, and the gentleman.
After you get settled turn of your cell phone. Do not wait until you see the notice or she does it. You want to look like you are both considerate and in control. Doing it because you are told to do it is wimpy. Let her be reminded by you.
If you think you might need to drain the lizard during the movie do so now. A good excuse is that you want to wash your hands before the popcorn. You will be taking a slight risk leaving her alone in the theater, but it is acceptable and also shows you are secure and not overbearing. She may take the opportunity to do the same.
By the way, a decent test of how much she likes or trusts you is how she passes by you. If she faces the screen and shows you her bottom as she sidles by she likes you. If she turns her back to the screen and goes crotch first she is not sure and/or is already bored. Of course, don’t read too much into this as she could either be on the fence or just not thinking about it, but I have found this to be a decent barometer.
When the trailers start, it is generally OK to make quite funny comments about the trailers. Here is your chance to be witty and funny. Pretend you are in the theater with the MST3K crew (in fact, if you are a fan don’t be afraid to borrow a couple lines from Tom Servo or Crow. No one will bust you on a copyright infringement, and odds are extremely unlikely that she has ever watched more than five minutes of the show. For that matter, if by some weird alignment of the solar system she is a fan you may gain credibility by referencing the show).
Once the movie starts, shut the hell up and enjoy. When it ends, unless she is in the movie business get up once the credits start. Don’t be one of those weird guys who sits through the entire credits in hopes of seeing a spoiler at the end. If you heard there was one YouTube it. People who sit through credits are never hot or cool, if you know what I mean. Hand her her jacket and if you are feeling particularly smooth assist her in putting it on. It will actually be very awkward and take more time than it would have for her to do it herself, but you will look like a stud if you pull it off correctly (or a dork if you don’t).
That’s it for now. More later.
Nerd dating advice: to dance or not to dance Pt 6
So I’m back from LA and the small comic book convention I did out there. Not great, but not bad either. Nice nerds, for the most part. I will say that the most painful dating lessons I learned were beaten into me while I lived in LA. With few notable exceptions (including one amazing girl I met while at the show but who broke my heart by leaving without coming back to my booth again) women in LA are among the most horrible girls I have ever tried to date, from a purely ego breaking point of view. For the most part, if you are not rich, a movie star, or in some crappy garage band opening up at the Whiskey dating in Los Angeles is like running full tilt into a brick wall while women throw peanut shells, banana skins, and men’s underwear at you to enhance the comedy. Let’s just say I am much happier and do better in the Bay Area (here they only throw banana skins). LA sucks. Not that I’m bitter.
Anyway, back to dancing on your date. We should talk about specific moves you can do to enhance your sex appeal. Fortunately science, long time friend and staunch ally to nerds since the first nerd rubbed two sticks together and invented fire, has actually done a study on dance techniques and has determined what actually works to impress ladies (science shirt courtesy of the novelty t shirt category).
Basically, the scientists (who are, no doubt, expert dancers themselves) determined that in general moves that show health or vitality tend to be more attractive. Specifically head and torso movement tends to be pretty attractive (that’s head AND torso, not head OR torso. Don’t do the headbanger) to women. Leg, arm and hip movement helps a lot too. For some reason movement of the right leg and knee seems to work well. It’s is supposed to have something to do with most people being right leg dominant. Not sure if I really understand that one, but I am not one to argue with what works.
One of the things that this and other studies has shown is that variety is key. You can’t pick one move and proceed to do it all night. You need to mix things up. Don’t be afraid to copy other guys you see over your date’s shoulder, but don’t be too obvious. Mix it up, and above all keep moving.
Next post more specifics and stuff like how long to dance and so on.
Nerd Dating: What to talk about on your first date pt 1
I am going to start a whole new section here. We have talked about what to avoid but now you are in the zone of actually coming up with something to talk about. This is a bit of a tough subject and I think it will end up going a few posts.
The best thing to talk about is her. Let her tell you about her life, her pets, her parents, what she studied in college, and which bead stores have the best selection of ceramics (I could only dream of a girl who was into beading, or for that matter anything at all. Most of the girls I meet seem to have no interests whatsoever). The problem is you can’t just space out while she blabs on. You actually have to pay attention. She is setting traps to catch you in on the next date when she says something like “Remember what I told you about my cat who got caught in the combine?” The correct response to an obvious trap like this is “You mean the one you called Tripod?” not “You had a cat?” Remembering and referencing details she has told you will help you score points on the later dates, and can also save you some pain if she is the type to tell you the same stories over and over again.
So encourage her to drone on. The big mistake here (and one that I still fall into all the time) is having her tell you something painfully boring but reminds you of something funny from your life that you feel compelled to tell her about. Next thing you know dinner is over and you have done nothing but tell her stories of your childhood or t-shirt selling website.
The next thing you need to do is look and act like you care about whatever she is talking about. Pay attention, look her in the eyes, ask insightful, provocative questions, and encourage her to give you details. This takes practice, but once you learn it you can kill an hour easy. (I don’t care t shirt courtesy of the novelty t shirt category)
Of course, it helps immensely if you are actually interested, not only for the date flow but also for the possibility of an actual relationship. My cousin reads this blog and she will beat me if I indicate there have been dates wherein I wasn’t really interested in the girl’s life story but feigned interest. I guess I am due for a beating.
Anyway, this is a good way to start off the date. Unfortunately it will not suffice. We’ll go into some other things to talk about on the next post.
More advice for Nerds to meet and date girls: Dating Etiquette part 2
I have been seriously remiss in blogging lately, but have had an unbelievable amount of other stuff happening. This last weekend I was at a Warhammer tournament where I got my ass beat pretty badly. I need to figure out how play 8th edition competitively.
Anyway, I promised I would get back on the dating advice and so here I am. Last post I started talking about basic dating etiquette and I will continue here. I am going to operate on the assumption that you have not creeped her completely out and she is going to let you pick her up at her place (I’ll do a post later about what to do if you HAVE creeped her out and she is going to meet you at a public place). First of all, it behooves you to show up early, but not too early. 5-10 minutes is most appropriate. If you show up 30 minutes early park OUT OF SIGHT of her building (don’t be seen hanging out in your car like a stalker. In fact her neighbors might see you. Try to park at the 7-11 a few blocks away or, better yet, don’t show up 30 min early) and play Plants vrs Zombies on your iPhone (fun game, BTW).
I know this is a stereotype, but it often remains true that she will make you wait while she finishes up. If she is willing to let you into her living room odds are she is fishing for compliments about her decor, so be sure to say something positive about her place. “Nice wall hanging, wow lots of space, love the potted plant, did you paint that sacrificial alter yourself?” DO NOT wander about her place at will. Stay in the living room unless she invites you elsewhere. DO NOT open cabinets or drawers. DO NOT turn on the TV or start texting on your phone. In fact, your best policy is to sit on the couch with your hands on your lap waiting patiently and trying to think of good compliments for her place.
Once in a while you will be stuck with having to talk to her roommate(s). This is a special level of hell. Be extremely careful. Not only are the roommates examining you like a fetal pig on a dissection tray, but since most women seem to like to see each other single and miserable they are looking for a 
reason to shoot you down. They will report to your date in excruciating detail all the reasons why you suck. They will claim to be looking out for her, but misery loves company and if the roommate is single then she will hate the idea of living with someone in a relationship (Lifeguard shirt image courtesy of the novelty t shirt category)
Also, this should really go without saying, but given the guys I am talking to here I guess I can’t assume anything, do not under any circumstances say anything to any roommates that could be misinterpreted as hitting on them. It is a sad fact of the dating world that the roommate of the girl you are picking up will almost inevitably be hotter and more interesting than your date. Deal with it.
Breathe Some Fire into Your Gift Selection
Every year when my younger cousin’s birthday rolls around, I struggle to figure out what to get him. It’s not that I’m not familiar with his interests – to the contrary, I know all about his hobbies. He’s the prototypical geek, although I mean that in the nicest sense possible. He spends hours at a time online playing World of Warcraft, and I’ve also overheard him talking about getting together with friends to play Dungeons and Dragons.
For three years in a row I got him expanded editions of the Lord of the Rings on DVD, but lately it’s been tough to come up with a new angle. Luckily I happened upon a site that specializes in nerd t shirts. Purchasing something marketed specifically to “nerds” may sound counterintuitive, but I know he’ll love the Dragon’s Lair t shirt I got him.
A New Breed of Superhero Movie
Even people who had become disenchanted with the Batman franchise have been impressed with what Christopher Nolan has done with the latest installments of the series. Casting Christian Bale as Batman, many people finally got what they felt was missing from some of the previous Batman movies. They had a hero that could pull of both Bruce Wayne and Batman. The two very different personas had stumped previous actors such as George Clooney (an admirable Wayne but a faltering Batman) and Michael Keaton (an amazing Dark Knight but a bumbling Wayne).
The new films also boast a much darker feel and have fans donning Batman t shirts once again. These certainly aren’t happy go lucky films intended for comic-loving kids. The villains aren’t caricatures of lunatics. They’re just lunatics, and Heath Ledger was even awarded a posthumous Oscar for his twisted and unsettling portrayal of the Joker. And that is what’s so fantastic about this new breed of superhero movies. They stand alone on their own right. While we can all praise Ledger for his amazing turn in the film, it takes nothing away from the iconic way that Jack Nicholson portrayed the goofy grinned gangster.
