Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 10: understanding poster’s careers
Sorry I didn’t get anything posted over the weekend, but I had something to do that was WAY more important (and fun) than sniping at jobs listed on online dating posts, and I’m not talking about the Superbowl. However, I will make sure to get something done every day this week, although I might have something to do next weekend as well.
Anyway, I’m getting into more specific jobs, mostly based on what I think I can make the most funny and insightful comments about. Still, I think this could all be pretty useful.
Pharmaceutical Representative. In the world of manufactures sales reps being a pharm rep is the Holy Grail. Great money, low geographic area, and easy to sell products. I have long dreamed of dating a pharm rep, for any number of reasons. First of all, pharmaceutical companies as a matter of course only hire super hot women to do it. Something about trying to convince male doctors to prescribe their drugs. So even if you don’t see a phote, you can know they are probably pretty good looking. On the other hand, they are super busy and honestly are probably shopping for a doctor, so go easy.
Massage therapist. These women fall into three camps. The most first is trained, true massage therapists. They tend to be into Eastern culture and are probably do something like Shiatsu. They take lots of classes and have a ton of certifications which in their mind is the equivalent of a college degree, in spite of the fact that it really isn’t. They tend to be super fit, kind of skinny, vegetarian, and into stuff like meditation. However, if you ever hope to see her naked you can never get her to massage you. These women are so paranoid about being unprofessional that as soon as they dig into your doughy musculature you will forever be considered a client. The second type is less trained, tends to be a lot more hippy dippy, cute in an slightly out of shape granola way, and more willing to give you a massage after sex. She tends to be more happy and into the fun of it, but is flat broke. The third is pretty much a hooker. Usually from another country (Korean, most often from what I have heard) and willing to have sex for money. I don’t know why they would be online, but if they are I would highly recommend not having anything to do with them. It is a mess you don’t want to deal with. If this person is a guy it will either be a super hot, muscular dude or a big, overweight, not terrible attractive guy. If the first, I can almost guarantee he is looking for a sugar mama. If not he is probably pretty sleezy. If the second he is likely to be a decent guy, who actually will be able to give you a killer back rub. See past the bulk if you can.
Stripper. Often listed as erotic or exotic dancer, most likely this woman is actually just fishing for guys to go to her pay website. A women who dances for money who is sincere about meeting someone for a relationship will make up a fake job (which is a whole different kind of problem). Odds are at some point I will do an entire post on dating (or trying to date) strippers, but for now believe me when I say dating a stripper is like being stuck in the accretion disk of a black hole. If the stripper is male and not gay then he is 100% a sleezeball. Basically he is not meeting enough women through his job (where is is surrounded by dozens of women stuffing money into his jock) and wants more sex. On the other hand he is probably pretty good at sex, so if you are looking for a good time and/or a social disease, then go for it. Just know going in he will cheat on you if you attempt a relationship and lie about it constantly.
Waiter/Waitress. Or server, if you want to be PC. Very similar in many ways to a retail worker, in that they can be very fun to date when they are young and absolute hell when they get older. The main difference is if you date one he or she will totally critique your food habits, table manners, the servers professionalism, and how much you tip. Also, if you want to lose any desire to eat at a restaurant ever again have him or her tell you stories of health code violations that they see pretty much every day. Also, they can cause you to eat less by telling you about all the fat bastards who do 10,000 calorie meals every night.
Wactor/Wactresses. This is a waiter/actor or waitress/actress. I have no experience with actual actors or actresses (I actually assume if you are good enough looking to be an actor you don’t need to go online to meet someone) but living in LA I used to meet wactors and wactresses pretty much every day. They usually studied drama in college, work as a server to pay their bills, and fight mounting desperation as each day passes without being discovered. They generally tend to date each other like cockroaches living on each others filth, but once in a while will branch out. However, be prepared to go to a lot of horrible plays and spend a tone of time reassuring them that they are still attractive and can act. If they didn’t actually study acting then there is a pretty good chance they will eventually get into stripping or porn. Kind of fun to date on the front end and generally easy on the eyes, these folks usually turn into a headache of astronomical proportions.
That’s enough for now. I think I will do one more post on this and then move on to interpreting online photos.
For our question last post, a ninja versus a football team’s worth of zombies, I think the Ninja would win as long as he figured out early enough to cut their heads off. If he tried anything else he would probably end up as zombie chow. (Ninja image from the cheap t shirts category)
For today let’s get political. Who would win, Abraham Lincoln versus a young Ronald Wilson Reagan?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating pt 3: tranlating online post speak into English
Before I get into the dating advice, I have to tell you about the greatest online comic book ever: Axecop. It is about a cop who uses an axe, and is written by a five year old and illustrated by his 29 year old brother. Truly amazing.
So we are exploring the mysterious and (to be honest) dangerous world of online dating. I think I will for the next several posts list some phrases that are relatively common in online profiles and then translate them into English. This is so you know what to look for and also what to use or not use on your post. To keep it interesting for my female viewers for each post (where appropriate) I will for each listing translate both the female and male usage. A lot of these will probably by physical and kind of insulting, so please don’t hate on me.
“A few extra pounds.” For women a few can be translated into anything from 3 to 47, but usually ends up in the 15 to 20 pounds overweight. This is the phrase women use when they know if they really buckled down and ate less and exercised more they could get back to their fighting trim in a matter of weeks. Men who describe themselves as this weight are typically 10-15 pounds overweight and have been so for the last 10 years. They usually don’t show it so much.
“Curvy.” For women, this usually means a large bust and a huge ass. No man should ever use this phrase.
“Brawny.” For women, lesbian. For guys, fat.
“Rubenesque.” This is a girl code word for fat. She is hoping the guys are too dumb or ignorant to know what this means, so odds are she has little respect for men as well.
“Husky.” This is less a guy code word for fat so much as it is a guy self delusion that they are not fat. Guys who call themselves husky are in serious self denial with regards to their weight, and are also inevitably convinced that they are about 80 times more fit than they actually are so some amusement can be had by asking them to run around the block or do a push up or something. (Homer image courtesy of the Simpsons t shirts category)
“BBW.” Ahoy, Captain Ahab! Your search is at an end. Actually I have respect for women who are comfortable describing themselves this way, as they are cool with having their own personal postal code. Not that I would date one. Note for women, guys who describe themselves as being into BBWs generally have some serious mommy issues.
“Athletic.” For women, this means never ending yoga, running, and a ton of fitness. Generally these women teach spin classes or something. All good, but you had better be cut from the same cloth or she will walk out of the first meeting without even giving you a handshake. For guys, this usually means he played football in high school and still hasn’t come to grips with the fact that he sits on his ass 22 hours a day.
“Fit.” For women, this is very similar to athletic for men. She played high school volleyball and still does yoga a couple times a week but spend most of her time behind a desk. Likes to hike on the weekend. Oddly enough, for men this generally means more actually fit. These guys tend to run a few days a week and hit the gym regularly.
“Very fit.” Generally very good for both sexes. This description is one where it means more or less the same for both sexes. These people tend to be the ones who yell at you for being in the wrong lane as they pass you on their $12,000 road bike on a 50 mile ride. They also tend to be real type A personalities and painfully uptight.
“Muscular.” Or body builder. Very rare for women, but if you meet one be prepared for a deep voice and the potential of facial hair. For men they tend to be freaking huge (except where it counts, if you catch my double entendre). Regardless of men or women, if you date this person be prepared to be the submissive in the relationship. Men in particular tend to be controlling roid-fueled rage-o-holics.
That’s it for tonight. Tomorrow we’ll get into more of the personality catch phrases.
Yesterday’s who-would-win question was Xena versus Buffy. I think I am going to have to go with Xena, just for build alone. Also, while Buffy was born to be the Slayer, Xena spent her childhood training to be a warrior while Buffy was training to be a cheerleader.
For today’s question I am going to indulge myself with a simple match up: who would win-Spock from TOS versus any single character from Star Trek Next Generation except Q?
Nerd Dating: Online Dating Part 2-More Pros and Cons
OK, I know I haven’t posted a lot recently, but the fact is I have spent the last five days fixing mistakes made by other people. I don’t want to get into it except to say that it really sucked. Anyway, let’s have more fun discussing the pros and cons of online dating.
Pro: given time to consider your words you can avoid blurting out something really stupid or inappropriate. Most of us have said dumb things without thinking in our lifetime. I have found I tend to sound better and smarter if I have even a couple seconds to consider my words before pressing send. Even IM seems smoother that way.
Con: if you are illiterate or like to wRiTE liKE ThiS you will look like a moron. Yes, spell check is great but if you lack basic spelling and grammar skills you can really look stupid. Also, that wanna be gangster mixed upper/lower case writing is the online equivalent of tying to impress a girl by covering yourself with paste and rancid meat (and being a moron). I don’t care if you have seen girls do it. Trust me, you will never get anywhere with those girls, and you don’t have to be a guy to be brain-damagingly stupid.
Pro: you can meet people who share your interests. Yes, if there is a girl out there who shares your love of 14th century bardisches, Snorky from the Banana Splits, or debating the eternal Captain Kirk/Captain Pecard argument (Kirk, IMO) this is the place to find her. Unfortunately, any girl who lists anything remotely nerdish or cool will have her email box filled by other nerds so fast her laptop may melt down.
Con: your specific interests may well repulse the majority of women out there. I play Warhammer and love it. However, as much as my dream would be to date a girl who plays it this is the last thing I would list on my profile as I know the vast majority of the girls out there would take one look at it and say “What is this guy into? He must be some kind of dork, playing with toy soldiers.” There is the cool, sexy nerd (you know, the hipster teck geek. Die hipster scum) and then there is the just plain old nerd. You need to seem to be in the first camp to intrigue a girl online. Try to find a girl who is willing to to help you and tell her what you are considering listing as interests. If she at any point wrinkles her nose and says “really?” dump that item.
Pro: you can claim to be into things that you have done once or twice in your life. Ever been on a pony ride at a carnival? Then you could claim to be into horseback riding. Completed a paint-by-numbers painting of a kitten? Then you are both artistic and into animals. Again, I don’t recommend out-and-out lying, but as long as you are ready to reap the whirlwind when she finds out your passion for ballroom dancing is derived from dancing with your mom at your sisters wedding, then go nuts.
Con: she can (and probably will) do the same thing. Trust me, this plays both ways and if something seems to good to be true, it probably is. If she claims to match your passion for Star Trek that most likely means she watched a couple episodes with her brother years ago. Girl Trek fans exist, but unless she lists it on her profile unsolicited she is probably trying hard to match up to your level of geek.
Pro: you can do it from your home. If the burden of bathing, dressing, and grooming weighs very heavily on you, you could theoretically pull it off from the comfort of your desk chair and never have to put any effort into it at all. This is a horrible idea and I highly UNRECOMMENDED this. However, it remains a pro.
Con: if you are prone to being anti social, this will only make it worse. If you feel intimidated talking to women trying to meet them online will only aggravate your condition. The only way to really get over being shy is to force yourself to get out of the house and talk to women.
I think that’s it. Next dating post I will either get into understanding other posts or writing your own. Not sure which is better. I think understanding posts would be funnier, though, so I am inclined to head that way.
As for the whole Wolverine vrs Freddy Kruegar question, it is interesting and boils down to actual powers. If Freddy can attack adults and just chooses kids than he would be highly competitive with Logan. On the other hand, if Wolverines healing powers can fix damage done in dreams than Freddy could never actually kill him. I think I am going to call this one a draw (Blood and Steel image courtesy of the Wolverine t shirts).
I am kind of into horror movie, so for today I post the question of who would win, telekinetic introverted high school hero (in my opinion) Carrie versus champion of the popular good looking kids Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
